A New Bonanza (by BettyHT)

SUMMARY:  A short silly discussion about what’s wrong with Bonanza.  It’s meant to be a light-hearted story and not to be taken seriously.

rating = T  word count = 865


A New Bonanza

“Boys, we got trouble, boys!”

“Pa, you don’t have to yell. We’re all sitting right here.”

“Adam, you don’t have to be so crabby. Pa needs us.”

“I’m always crabby, and you’re a crybaby.”

“Stop picking on me.”

“I’m supposed to be crabby and pick on you. Just ask the Joegals. It’s what I do.”

“Boys, stop arguing and listen to me or do I have to send you to your rooms for a timeout?”

“No, Pa. We’ll listen as long as you don’t whip out that pointy finger, but stop calling me a boy. I’m a man.”

“It’s only a term of endearment, Adam, and aren’t your brothers men too?”

“As long as you asked.”

“See, Pa, there he goes again.”

“Now, Joe and Adam, you two be quiet or I’ll thump each a ya ta make ya quiet.”

“Hoss, why aren’t you eating something?”

“Joe, I ain’t always eating something.”

“Enough! Tarnation, it’s difficult to explain anything around here. Now, rustlers have stolen half our herd, someone is trying to take the Ponderosa from us, and there’s an epidemic in town.”

“Is that all? That’s only three problems and there’s four of us. I guess I can keep reading this new book of poetry I got.”

“Aw, cut out yer foolishness, older brother. We need a plan.”

“All right, Pa, speaking for my younger brothers, I need to ask: what’s the plan?”

“I don’t know. I think we need a Mary Sue to save us.”

“I don’t have one. How about a Laura?”

“I could get a Tirza.”

“Maybe we could bring Margie back somehow.”

“Or maybe you could bring back Lady Chadwick, Pa. I think she could handle all of that.”

“Adam, that’s not funny. In fact, none of your suggestions were funny.”

“Pa, it’s the writers. We need to do something about them. All they do is hurt Joe so you can sit at his bedside until he wakes up, make Hoss eat, and break our hearts. Pa, I’m in my thirties and haven’t been to bed with a woman yet. That puts a lot of pressure on a man, Pa.”

“Yeah, Pa. It’s why I’m always eating. I got appetites, and I gotta do somethin’ ’bout ’em.”

“I don’t mind the part about crying all the time though. I like laughing and crying a lot. Those are the things I do best.”

“Sheesh, Joe, you done cried a river already. Ain’t ya tired a doing that?”

“At least I get hugs from Pa. How many hugs have you and Adam gotten?”

“He’s got a point there, Adam.”

“Hoss, don’t let him sidetrack you. It’s hugs from women we want, right?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“So, we go after the writers and force them to make a few changes around here.”

“Besides women, what do we want them to do?”

“Pa, no more stupid relatives showing up would be a good start don’t you think? We have had the worst crop of relatives known to mankind.”

“Yeah, Pa, and me and Hoss want to be able to smoke like you do.”

“I don’t want to be fooled by Joe all the time like I don’t know any better. It’s embarrassing. Ain’t no woman gonna want me ifn she thinks I’m that dumb.”

“It’s stupid that they make you not dumb. Dumb means you can’t talk.”

“Well, sometimes they got me all tongue-tied so I cain’t talk to ’em neither.”

“They need to write lines worth saying to a woman too. It would be nice to have a meaningful conversation with a woman.”

“We need to let them know we don’t want no more a them ninnies or wicked women either. We want some real good women, you know, the kind everybody will like and easy on the eyes too and with a purty voice to boot.”

“You mean you didn’t like the whining from Laura and the constant complaining?”

“I figured you fell off that roof on purpose trying to kill yerself so you could get out of having to spend the rest of your life with her.”

“It’s a thought. I wish there had been a better way for Will to have found time to spend with her. I mean couldn’t I have had to go to Tucson again?”

“And no more dying women. I want all healthy women. No more meet them, marry them, and bury them. I’m the youngest here, but all that tragedy is turning my hair gray.”

“Better ta have that than what’s happening ta all our hair. Oh, sorry, Pa. Didn’t mean ta let out your secret.”

“Too late now! Well, let’s sit down at my desk and make a list of the things we want.”

“What about the rustlers, thieves, and the epidemic?”

“Let the writers come up with a good plot idea for how to handle each one without anyone here getting shot, being kidnapped, facing certain death, or ending up locked in jail.”

“That would be a first.”

“Bout time for that!”

“Here, here!”



Tags:  Adam Cartwright, Ben Cartwright, Hoss Cartwright, Joe / Little Joe Cartwright

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Author: BettyHT

I watched Bonanza when it first aired. In 2012, I discovered Bonanza fan fiction, and started writing stories as a fun hobby. I have hundreds of stories now. If I am unavailable and anyone needs permission to post one or more of my stories on a site such as Bonanza Brand, AC1830 and/or Mo1427 are authorized to give permission in my absence.

26 thoughts on “A New Bonanza (by BettyHT)

    1. Thank you so much. This could have been even longer, but at some point, one has to call a halt. lol

  1. That was wonderful! You certainly got me laughing. The poor Cartwright family, little do they know that the writers have very little control. It’s all about the ratings – ever time Joe was injured, the rating would go through the roof. LOL

    1. Sometimes a writer simply likes to have a bit of fun with the Cartwrights. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

    1. Thank you so much. It was fun to write a humorous piece — drama can get to be a bit tedious sometimes.

  2. This was fun, Betty. Those poor Cartwrights should have been full of scars just from the episodes to say nothing of fan fiction, and they sustained more concussions than football players, yet we all do love those suffering scenes. I guess we like to see them vulnerable as well as powerful. Thanks for a quick, interesting read.

    1. Thank you so much. It’s fun to think about what we do to them and what other writers do too. They’re four tortured souls and pincushions too.

    1. Thank you so much. Giggles are good and especially if you can still find it humorous in a second reading.

  3. This good short story tickles the funny bone and ends the day on a positive note. Of course, the more you know the show, the deeper the references resonate.

  4. So funny, had me in stitches. Yes, there were things that maybe should have been different on the show, but there was still a lot that was also very good, and that is evident from the fact that so many of us still write fanfic about it and still love talking about it.
    Really enjoyed this
    Little Joe forever

    1. Oh, yes, we love the show and the characters, but there are things that are silly about the show sometimes, and it was a lark to take a few pokes at those. I was having a bit of fun and only wanted to share the silliness. I’m so happy to hear it had you in stitches. Thank you so much for that image.

    1. Thank you so much. If not the Cs then perhaps some of the fan fiction writers could have been in charge! Now that could have made a wonderful difference.

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