Summary:  He may be retired, but to his fans Jack Richards will always be Alex Carver, the most drop dead gorgeous cowboy to ever roam the Badlands…

Rating K  (2583 words)

Jack Richards Series:
Right is the Third Left
When Your True Lover Comes Your Way
There Is A Season
Reprise
Return to Grace

Right is the Third Left

PREFACE

Many years ago, back in the days of the first Bonanza forums, a certain person had way too much time on her hands and came up with an idea for a sitcom starring Pernell Roberts.  The premise was that he would play a version of himself, a former television star who only wants to retire quietly on the sunny shores of Malibu. The idea was pitched as follows:

MALIBU SUNSET chronicles the ups and downs of retired actor John Patrick “Jack” Richards (known to his most ardent fans as Alex Carver from the popular 60’s western Badlands) in the role in which he truly shines – himself. Funny, longsuffering and loyal, with a tenderness only barely disguised beneath a gruff veneer that is mostly smoke without fire, Jack is a father, grandfather and senior citizen intent on enjoying his golden years in peace and quiet, though somewhat hampered by the rather odd assortment of people who share his life and love.

And who are these people?

Sara Richards Mathis:  Jack’s only child; recently divorced from one of his former co-stars and the mother of a teenage son, both of whom have moved in “temporarily.”  An aspiring author, personable, and not without a sense of humor, Sara is hands down her dad’s number one fan.

Mark John Patrick Mathis: Jack’s grandson. Named for his grandfather, he was described by one reviewer as a “mass of adolescent bravado and insecurity.”  But in spite of the spiked hair, body piercings and questionable taste in clothes and music, Mark is really a boy scout at heart.

Mavis Pennington:  Jack’s housekeeper. Mavis and Jack hail from the same small town in Georgia where nearly everyone is related; indeed, they are distant cousins. Mavis migrated to California in the 1970’s and worked briefly in the movie industry before marrying a cinematographer. Years later as a widow with no children, she was in dire financial straits. A family friend informed Jack, who arranged work for her, several times. How she ended up as his housekeeper no one really knows. Rumor has it that they’re the only ones who can put up with each other. Mavis has no qualms about giving Jack her honest opinions, though not always humbly. She’s an ace at Texas Hold’em, loves John Wayne and Jimmy Stewart, and according to Jack, makes the best peach cobbler west of the Mississippi.

Abigail Jones: Jack’s fan club president. A former political strategist, Abigail has longstanding ties with Jack; he met her father during the Civil Rights movement. She is almost as mouthy as Mavis though more apt to be tactful when the situation warrants.  She pulled out all the stops in the campaign to convince Jack he ought to have an official fan club, a fact he has often regretted. A reformed chain smoker, Abigail chews gum incessantly when she’s not sipping a Diet Coke. Aside from Jack, she loves Frank Sinatra, Italian food and has a weakness for Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies.

Violet Underwood: Jack’s “secretary.” Further evidence of his soft heart and sense of loyalty, Vi is the granddaughter of one of his first mentors. Extremely shy and rather unskilled in the office, Jack hired her anyway because she needed a job. She mainly opens the mail and answers the phone, which leaves her lots of free time to read and watch daytime talk shows; she loves Oprah and Dr. Phil and has read every book by Mary Higgins Clark and Danielle Steele. Vi is extremely sensitive and sentimental, and according to Jack “the cryingest woman” he’s ever met, which is why he can never say a cross word to her. Her idol is Audrey Hepburn and her favorite movie is “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”.

Marty Ebersole: Jack’s “too-slick-by-half” agent. Marty is the son of one of Jack’s closest friends and former agent during the prolific 70’s and 80’s. Most of Marty’s income these days is from investments (beneath that affable, easy-going, redheaded exterior lies a killer businessman who lives on the bottom line), and since Jack is mostly retired his services aren’t frequently needed. But he enjoys hanging out at the Richards place (even more so since Sara and Mark have moved in), catching a Dodgers game with Jack, playing poker with Mavis and wrangling an occasional dinner invitation.

Laura Adams Barkley McIntyre Richards: A former actress, Jack’s ex-wife #2 (#1 was photographer Elizabeth Kelley Richards, Sara’s mom, deceased). Laura is Jack’s thorn-in-the-flesh, the ex who refuses to go away. Effusively affectionate, obnoxiously intrusive and talkative to the point of tedium (Jack’s opinion), her saving grace is a good heart underneath the tinsel and designer trappings. Laura still considers herself a part of the family; she genuinely cares for Jack and has endeared herself to Sara by her devotion to Mark, whom she proudly refers to as her grandson. (Face it, man; you’re stuck with this woman.)

Too Good to be True?

A pilot and six episodes were proposed, as listed below.  Not all were fully developed but two were optioned (episodes 4 and 7) and debuted on the Pernellevision Network during its fantasy 24-hour trial run.  Unfortunately, the tapes self-destructed immediately after being aired, and while no one was caught or killed, TPTB disavowed any knowledge of the series and anyone even remotely connected to it.  But a few of the production notes and a couple of scripts turned up in in a zip file from a discarded Dell E510 desktop computer, so apparently all was not lost.

Pilot – Life’s A Beach – Sara and Mark move in with Jack “temporarily” after her divorce; ex-wife Laura pays a surprise visit.

Episode 2 – The Undoing of Abigail Jones – Jack’s fan club president may have bitten off more than she can chew by promising his attendance at an upcoming Badlands convention.

Episode 3 – You’ve Got the Wrong One, Baby – Mark borrows his grandfather’s classic Corvette with disastrous results.

Episode 4 – Right is the Third Left – Sara consoles a disgruntled Jack after friends and family camp out in his living room for a 48-hour Badlands marathon, which sends him running for cover.

Episode 5 – The Trying Game – It’s a crucible for Jack as he is forced to wait hand and foot on injured houseguest Laura while everyone else is away for the weekend.

Episode 6 – Searching for Jack Richards – A computer tutorial from grandson Mark yields a few surprises for Jack, who discovers, much to his chagrin, that old cowboys never die, they’re simply archived on the world wide web.

Episode 7 – Return to Grace – A bit of miscommunication results in a comedy of errors when Jack agrees to deliver a eulogy back in his old hometown.

Scenes from the Pilot:

Scene 1 — Abigail and Mavis do a little scheming 

Abigail:  How is he this morning?

Mavis:  Well, like my mama used to say about my daddy, he’s like a sore-tailed cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs.

Abigail:  What is it now?

Mavis:  For starters, Junior showed up at the breakfast table with his eyebrow pierced.

Abigail:  I guess that went over like a lead balloon.

Vi:  No it wasn’t a balloon, it was a little gold ring.

Mavis to Abigail:  If I were you, I wouldn’t mention the “B” word; it’s just not a good day.

Abigail:  But the convention is only five months away! I’ve got to figure out a way to talk him into it. People are counting on me!

Mavis:  Well, if you ask me,  your best bet is to get Daddy’s girl on your side, then get her to ask him.

 Abigail:  You think?

 Mavis:  Believe me, she’s his Achilles heel.

Vi:  Well, I think Sara’s very nice. A little uptight sometimes, but certainly not a heel….

Scene 2 — Jack is less than thrilled when ex-wife Laura comes to visit

Jack:  What in tarnation is she doing here?

Sara:  She came to hear Mark’s band.  She’s the only grandmother he has ever known, and he’s crazy about her. You were too once. Come on now, be nice.

Voice off-camera:  Jack, darling…

Jack:  Hello, Laura.

Laura:  Now don’t be a grump like last time. Of course, with your constitution and all that southern fried food you can hardly help it, I know. You just sit right down here and relax. I’ll go to the market and when I get back I’ll fix your favorite, cioppino. Toodles.

Jack (frowning after her):  I don’t even like cioppino!

And now,  our feature presentation, this week’s episode...

MALIBU SUNSET: RIGHT IS THE THIRD LEFT 

A “Badlands” Marathon puts Jack in a bad mood and sends him running for cover as friends and family settle in to watch it at his house.

Abigail:  Ooh, “Showdown at Sunup” — I love this one!

Mavis:  Isn’t this the one where Buck gets kidnapped and the bad guys threaten to kill him at dawn unless their friend is released from jail?

Abigail:  Yeah, and then the sheriff gets shot, so Alex has to take over.

Vi:  Poor Alex. He has to go against everybody to uphold the law. Even Hank and Jimmy Boy think he’s wrong.

Abigail:  Doesn’t Alex look great in this one?  No wonder they called him the most drop dead gorgeous cowboy to ever roam the Badlands.

Mavis:  That’s just a matter of opinion. Hank was always my favorite — those big broad shoulders, those baby blue eyes, that sexy drawl whenever he said “ma’am” — now there was a real man!

Vi:  Well, I like all the Carvers, but Jimmy Boy was my first crush. I love his curly hair, his cute little grin. To this day I nearly melt when he takes off his shirt.

(Enter Marty):  Hey, is this “Showdown at Sunup?” Great episode! Buck was pretty smooth in this one. But I really like the comedies, especially the one where Hank and Jimmy Boy go to that funny little town where everyone thinks they’re outlaws.

Abigail:  Yeah, “Hired Guns” — that’s a classic. It’s on at 9:00.

Vi:  I like “Debtors Can’t Be Choosers” where Hank and Alex have to borrow money from Jimmy Boy to buy back the horse they lost in a poker game so they can enter him in the big race.

Marty:  Oh yeah. They have to put up half of everything they own for “security” then Jimmy Boy beats them with his own horse and wins it all. I love that one!

Enter Mark:  Hey guys, what’s up?

Marty:  Badlands Marathon. Look, there’s your granddad.

Mark:  Dude, no way! He had hair?

Mavis:  In a manner of speaking.

Mark:  Cool.

Enter Jack:  What’s everybody doing in here?

Abigail:  Shh! This is one of the best parts.

Jack:  Oh good grief, is that on again? I can’t believe you people don’t have anything better to do.

Mark (giving him thumbs up):  Lookin’ good, Granddad! Great hair.

Jack (shaking his head):  My own grandson — et tu, Brutus?

Marty:  Jack, don’t be a party pooper, sit down.

Jack:  Only a person with half a brain could sit through a whole episode of this mindless drivel.

Mavis:  Well, I guess you qualify.

Jack (scowling at her):  I’ll be in my office if anyone needs me.

A little later, Sara consoles Jack on the beach.

Sara:  I thought I’d find you out here. (She hands him a bottle of Perrier as she sits down.) Do you mind company, or would you rather mope alone?

Jack:  Suit yourself. I’m not moping.

Sara:  Sure you are. I know that face. Mark wears the exact same expression whenever I make him get a haircut.

Jack:  Are they still in there?

Sara:  Yes. Marty was ordering Chinese when I left.

Jack:  I guess that means they’ve laid siege to my living room for the entire evening.

Sara:  Uh, I hate to break it to you, but it’s a 48-hour marathon.

Jack:  Great. Maybe I’ll just check into a hotel for the weekend.

Sara:  Oh come on, they’re just having a good time. I know you’re not really mad at them, so what is it?

Jack (takes a drink, stares out at the water and remains silent for several seconds before answering):  I didn’t cut my teeth on Shakespeare to become Alex Carver. I was going to be the next Olivier.

Sara:  Dad, you’re a brilliant actor. Even Sir Laurence himself couldn’t top your Macbeth on his best night. But maybe you’re missing the big picture.

Jack:  Oh? How do you see it?

Sara:  Do you remember that movie about the musician who took a teaching job to support his family? It was only supposed to be temporary, because his dream was to be a great composer. But life kept getting in the way, and 30 years went by before he finally completed his symphony, and by that time he was retiring from a job he never intended to take in the first place. All those years, he felt his talents were wasted in the classroom, but in the end he realized he touched so many more lives as a teacher than he ever would have as a musician. Dad, you even told me yourself once, life sometimes takes a man in a direction he never meant to go, and I think that’s true. But maybe he ends up where he’s supposed to be, even if he takes the long way around.

Jack:  That’s pretty good. You ought to write that in a book someday.

Sara (laughing):   Maybe I will. Look, I know how you feel about Badlands. Artistically, it was kid stuff for someone like you, I know that. But I would argue against it being a waste of your time. You are forever a part of something that has touched so many lives in a positive way for over forty years, and it still makes people happy today. How many of us can say that? It’s a pretty awesome legacy if you ask me. In the grand scheme of things, Alex Carver may be the second greatest role you’ve ever played.

Jack:  So what’s the greatest?

Sara:  My personal favorite is Jack Richards as my dad.

Jack (looks away, obviously moved by her statement):  Well, I’ve lived long enough to know that a man doesn’t always get what he wants or deserves. (looks back at her and smiles)  Sometimes he gets more. Tell me something. How’d you turn out to be so terrific?

Sara (shrugs, smiling):   Born lucky, I guess. Plus I had a couple of pretty good role models.

Jack:  So I guess what you’re saying is that I should just accept the fact that I’m going to be Alex Carver for the rest of my life.

Sara:  Is that really so bad? (Jack rolls his eyes and shrugs) Just look on the bright side, Dad.

Jack:  Which is….?

Sara:  At least you’re not Jimmy Boy.

Jack:  I’ll drink to that.

P.S. A bonus vignette after the credits roll – Marty answers the door to pay the delivery guy and discovers he’s a little short on cash.

Marty:  Hey Mavis, can you spot me $20? I know you’ve got it because you cleaned me out at poker last night.

Mavis: Well, I guess I could float you a loan. Got any security?

***The End***

Tags:  Jack Richards, Malibu Sunset

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