Summary:  The wind of change is blowing across the Ponderosa.  A story written for the October Chaps and Spurs Challenge using the words Indian, smoke, leaves, frost and summer.

Rated: K+  Word Count:  3585

                                                                                      Leaving

To anyone who knew the Cartwrights well and happened to look in on the Ponderosa that night, they would have been left scratching their heads in puzzlement and not a little confused at what they saw before them. For as the four men sat around the table it would have seemed more like they were in mourning and a wake was in progress, which would have left the onlooker even more baffled seeing as there hadn’t been a close death in the family since the tragic loss of Marie more than nineteen years before.

To be fair Ben had tried to hide his own feeling of misery that evening as Hop Sing served their dinner. Putting on a brave face he’d attempted to keep the conversation light-hearted, making casual small talk about the unusually warm weather of the past few weeks which had brought with it an early and extraordinary show of apple blossom and budding of the leaves throughout the area.

In fact it had been the main topic of conversation amongst most folk around, such was the unprecedented display. For it was almost as if Mother Nature had foolishly mistaken the month of February for May that year, and the persistent early morning frost on the ground was the only true indication spring was only paying a temporary visit and winter was no doubt lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce and put in an appearance yet again.

But Ben soon realised his attempt at cheeriness was a lost cause. Adam, Hoss and Joe made it clear by their silence and hangdog expressions they were not interested in contributing to the witty and friendly banter which usually accompanied most meals on the Ponderosa. Instead they sat disconsolately as they played with their food and for once no one with much of an appetite.

Later after they’d all left the table Ben lit up his pipe and sank back in his chair, content to just watch and listen with the faintest of poignant smiles touching his mouth while his sons remained in continued low spirits; only uttering the barest of exchanges and for the most part just staring absently at the blazing wood fire in bittersweet companionable silence.

At long last the grandfather clock struck twelve and desperately tired and unable to take the gloomy atmosphere any longer, Ben finally decided his best move would be to retire to bed.

Laying a hand gently on the shoulder of each of his boys as he said goodnight Ben walked across the room then turned and looked back, simply taking in the scene as his eyes flitted from one to the other, lingering on his eldest for a few moments longer as if committing the sight to memory.

Then with his head bowed, slowly and deliberately Ben trudged up the stairs, leaving the three men to finish off a bottle of their father’s best Napoleon brandy together; the reason for their wretched melancholy never far from any of their minds.

After entering his room and undressing into his nightshirt Ben sank down, enjoying the comfort of his feather mattress as he pulled up the covers and closed his eyes. But to his intense irritation he was still wide awake some time later when his sons finally called it a night themselves and made their way to bed. And overheard by their father all their whispered goodnights to each other had the choked quality of men trying hard to hold on to their self control; this realisation doing nothing to help the emotionally drained and weary Ben in his attempt to slumber.

Eventually all went quiet again but after spending the next couple of hours tossing, turning and smoothing down his pillow on numerous occasions, Ben finally acknowledged he was no nearer sleeping than when he’d first turned in at midnight. So with a resigned groan he gave up the fight and pulled back the quilt.

Pushing off the bed Ben padded barefooted over to the window and drew back the curtains. As though it had been waiting for him to show his face, the faint glow of a full moon suddenly appeared behind a passing cloud. Briefly it caught Ben’s attention and he realised straightaway its low position in the sky meant first light was not a long way off. He heaved an unhappy sigh.

Ben’s gaze then instinctively travelled towards the jagged outline of the snow covered peaks of the Sierras; a sight which had greeted him each day for nearly thirty years. A rogue thunderstorm could just be seen in the far distance, lightning leaping across the heavens followed by a reverberating roll of thunder.

Usually such a magnificent display would have left Ben filled with awe and invigorated at the sight – but not tonight. Tonight he just gazed out, hardly seeing anything, barely hearing anything, just one thing on his mind.

Shivering in the cold night air Ben crawled back into bed and pulled the covers tight up to his chin. He stared up at the darkened ceiling of his room, his mind swirling and feeling an ache in his heart and a pain so deep in his being he couldn’t imagine it ever going away. For the dreaded date he’d circled on his calendar all those months ago had finally arrived. He closed his eyes tight and swallowed hard. ‘Stop it! Stop it now,’ he lectured silently as he buried his face into the pillow to muffle a sob. ‘There’ll be plenty of time for this foolishness later on after he’s gone.’

As if his stifled weeping had been a signal all of a sudden there was the unmistakable creak of a bedroom door opening and the sound of footsteps moving quietly down the passage before stopping directly in front of Ben’s room.

Intuitively Ben sensed who was there. Wiping his face dry he sat up and waited expectantly for a faint tap, the handle to turn and the familiar dark stubbly face of his eldest son looking in towards him in need again of some fatherly advice which couldn’t wait. But seconds passed, a minute, and still the door remained closed. Then to Ben’s disappointment a floorboard squeaked and the footsteps continued quietly on their way down the stairs.

Ben sank back onto his pillows and waited patiently in case Adam changed his mind and decided to return. But after several minutes more there was no sign of him coming back. Curious Ben pushed himself off the bed yet again, slipped on his dressing gown and slippers and made his way into the darkened hallway.

Carefully he felt his way along the all too familiar passage and down the first flight of steps. On the small landing he stopped and rested a hand on an old Indian blanket draped over the wooden handrail; the treasured gift presented to him by a grateful Paiute Chief many years before.

For a few moments Ben stared down into the spacious sitting room as he accustomed his vision to the glow from a single oil lamp. Unobserved he held perfectly still, cherishing again into memory the sight of the fully dressed figure who was standing by the hearth, watching Adam obviously deep in thought as he sipped a cup of coffee and stared blankly towards the flickering flames of a newly made fire.

Ben could see immediately his eldest’s eyes were unusually moist and at any other time he would have put the cause down to the wood smoke as it curled its way up the chimney; but not today. Ben took a deep breath, swallowed hard then forced his lips to form a smile. “Mite early to be starting chores isn’t it son?”

Adam visibly started at his father’s unexpected appearance as he lifted his gaze. “Couldn’t sleep Pa,” he finally admitted, turning to look back to the hearth. “So I thought I’d come down and make the fire, warm the place before everyone got up. You know, for the last time.”

Ben nodded as if understanding all too well. “Mind if I join you? I haven’t been able to sleep myself and that coffee sure smells good.”

“Sure Pa. I’d be happy of your company.”

Needing no second bidding Ben joined his son and settled down into his comfortable old leather armchair as Adam poured out a fresh cup of coffee and passed it over. But instead of heading for his usual seat opposite, Adam sat near his father at the end of the settee, both men saying nothing as they took a few sips of the warming liquid.

Ben was first to break the silence. “Are you sure you’ve packed everything you need? I wouldn’t want you to leave anything important behind,” he asked though already knowing the answer. For if nothing else Adam had always been painstakingly thorough and well organised and Ben had no reason to think anything had changed.

Adam placed his cup down on the table and nodded. “Yep it’s all done. I’m just taking the essentials with me, but Joe’s offered to deliver my trunk to the railhead in a few days and have it sent on. It’ll probably arrive in Concord within the month so I won’t be without most of my things for long.”

Ben sighed a little wistfully. “New Hampshire. Can’t believe how long it’s been since I was last there. Probably wouldn’t recognise much of the area now,” he admitted reflectively. “But you will be sure to try and visit your mother’s grave and lay some flowers for me before the end of summer won’t you son?”

Adam’s face softened. He knew one of his father’s biggest regrets in life was the fact he’d never had the opportunity to return and visit his first wife’s final resting place and so was more than happy to comply with his request. He beamed an understanding smile. “Of course I will Pa. It’ll be my first port of call once I get settled and find my feet. I promise.”

Ben nodded. “Thank you,” he whispered appreciatively, his heart lurching to think in a few short hours he might never see that smile again.

Consciously forcing the thought away Ben picked up the pot and refilled his cup. And as silence once more ensued the quiet of the room was only disturbed by the grandfather clock ticking noisily by the front door. Ben turned his eyes towards it and gave an involuntary shudder as he noted the time. It seemed to be going far too quickly he silently mused and gazed back at his son with a sigh.

“Kinda reminds me of old times when you’d just arrived back from college,” he finally said, giving a faint smile of recollection. “The pair of us sitting together, drinking coffee in the early hours as you told me everything you’d done and seen during your time in Massachusetts and your plans to improve just about everything on the Ponderosa. Remember?”

Adam gave a gentle laugh of shame. “Yeah I remember Pa. I really thought I knew it all back then though I soon realised I knew so little. How did you all manage to put up with me for so long while I acted like such a pompous, know it all?”

Ben made no attempt to answer that question straightaway, just staring at his son and delighting in the closeness between them and wishing it could last forever. “I’ve never remembered you like that Adam,” he eventually answered. “All I saw was a fresh-faced young man with vision and ideas that were to help the Ponderosa flourish and prosper more than I’d ever thought possible. A man who made and continues to make me very proud.”

Adam lowered his gaze with embarrassment. “I mean it son,” Ben reiterated in a tender tone, then a thought came to him. “You looked as though you were doing some serious thinking when I came down the stairs. Is there something bothering you about your travel plans?”

Adam looked up and frowned questioningly. “My plans?” He shook his head. “No…no that’s not it Pa,” he replied hesitatingly but before Ben could question further Adam rose from his chair and after picking up a poker and giving the fire a prod stared distractedly into the flames for a few moments.

Ben patiently waited, saying nothing but just watching until Adam placed the iron back on the hearth and turned towards him. “Want to talk about it son?” he then inquired.

Adam considered for a moment and nodded. “Truth is Pa I’ve been so wrapped up with my plans lately I hadn’t given it much thought until now. But I need you to know this before it’s too late. If you don’t think you can manage without me, if you really need me to stay, then you only have to say the word and I won’t leave. You know that don’t you?”

Studying his son’s solemn face for a moment Ben swallowed hard. How easy it would be to now shout out the words that had been racing around his mind for the past months. Here was the perfect opportunity. ‘Yes! Yes! You must stay! Stay by my side, as you’ve been for as long as we can both remember.’

But instead Ben just gave a faint smile. “I know son, but you don’t need to worry about a thing. Both your brothers have shown more than once they are quite capable of taking care of me and the ranch. And besides, after what you gave up for us all those years ago there’s no way I’d attempt to stop you leaving this time. I haven’t the right.”

Adam frowned quizzically as he returned to his seat. “Gave up? I don’t understand what you mean Pa.”

Ben’s lips curved into a sad half smile of regret. “It’s been nearly fifteen years since you graduated from college. Fifteen years since you had the world at your feet and could have gone anywhere and done anything. But instead of letting you go off to follow your own dream as I truly should have done, I wrote you to come back here and help me run the ranch instead. And to your credit you agreed, willingly and without argument; something I can’t thank you enough for.”

Adam shook his head. “But Pa I don’t need your gratitude. You’ve always taught us family comes before everything else and I’ve never regretted for one day giving up a life back there to return home. Surely you must realise that after all this time?”

Ben looked up at him thoughtfully for a moment. “Yes I know son,” he finally admitted with a sigh. “But as soon as I’d put pen to paper, I knew I was being selfish in asking you to come back. Yet still I sent the letter and I’ve felt guilty about it ever since. So from the moment you stepped off the stage from Boston all those years ago I swore I’d never again put the interests of the Ponderosa above any of my sons’ wishes and desires and so far I’ve managed to keep that promise.”

Ben paused and with a soft smile patted Adam’s arm affectionately. “Of course I don’t want you to go. Your brothers don’t want you to go. We’re going to miss you, more than you’ll ever know. But I’m not going to stand in your way and ask you to stay. Not this time. Not again.”

Genuinely grateful eyes met those of his father. “Thanks Pa. And believe me I’m going to miss you too…and Hoss and Joe. But I promise you one day I’ll come back and….”

Ben stopped him in mid sentence with a shake of the head, knowing instinctively what he was about to say. “No son. Don’t say another word,” he instructed then took a deep calming breath. “This is your home and always will be. But the time has come for you to leave us all behind and follow your own destiny, wherever it takes you, how ever long it takes you. So I don’t want you promising or feeling obliged or beholden to return when deep in both our hearts we know this is not where you want to be anymore.”

Unable to find his voice as his throat tightened with emotion Adam pushed himself up and paced the floor for several minutes.

It was almost six months to the day since he’d received a letter from an old college friend, offering him the chance to join a well established architectural practice with numerous offices covering New England. But from the moment since he’d first considered the offer Adam now felt as though a great weight had been suddenly lifted from his shoulders. For after receiving his father’s blessing he felt free at last – free from family constraints and obligations – free to begin the career given up all those years ago before it had a chance to begin. Free to leave.

With his eyes unusually moist he returned his gaze towards his father. “Pa. I just don’t know what to say anymore.”

Ben gave a tender smile and rose from his chair. “Then say nothing son,” he said softly, longing to embrace him as if intuitively sensing it may well be the last chance he’d ever have. However Ben held back. For Adam had never been one for outward shows of emotion within the family, keeping his feelings to himself for the most part and happily leaving such sentimentality to his youngest brother over the years.

But to Ben’s surprise and delight Adam unexpectedly moved forward and allowed himself to be gathered gently into his arms; the close physical contact equally enjoyed as Ben held his eldest tight in the sort of close hug only a loving father could give a much cherished son, and their joint action saying more than words could ever express.

Suddenly a shaft of sunlight flooded through the wooden slatted shutters fixed to the window. The grandfather clock struck five times. Dawn was finally breaking – time had run out.

Slowly and reluctantly the two men pulled apart.

“Guess I’d better go get dressed so we can make an early start,” Ben said, though there was something different about his voice now…a kind of quiet resignation. “Don’t want to risk you missing your stage connection.”

He turned to go when suddenly there was a loud thud and instinctively both looked up, both from past experience knowing the reason for the noise.

“Would seem brother Hoss is awake and on the move,” Adam smiled, glad of the distraction as he wiped a drying sleeve across his face. “One of these days I’m sure he’s going to come through the ceiling and bring the house down.”

“Well if he does I know a first class architect I can call upon to design and build me a new one,” Ben quipped as he made for the stairs.

However as his father’s comment sank in Adam fell back down on to his chair as the enormity of what he was heading towards suddenly hit him. “What have I been thinking Pa? It’s been years since I’ve had to design anything significant and sizeable,” he murmured in a rare display of self-doubt as he buried his face in his hands. “What if I let everyone down and end up making a fool of myself? What if I fail?”

Ben paused on the bottom step. Under normal circumstances he would have dismissed his eldest son’s apparent lack of confidence as a contrived joke. But not this time. “There’s no way on this earth you’ll ever let yourself or anyone else down Adam,” he assured. “You’re going to be one of the most successful architects on the East coast….maybe the whole country! I just know it.”

Adam gave out a loud sigh, wanting to believe but still not totally convinced. “Thanks for the vote of confidence Pa but how can you be so sure of something like that?”

Ben shook his head and stared his beloved son straight in the eye while wagging a finger towards him. “Considering you’re the only one who went to college around here you sometimes can act real dumb for a smart fella,” he said, pretending vexation but softening his words with a broad smile. “Because you’re a Cartwright Adam. Isn’t that’s reason enough? And don’t you ever forget it!”

Still beaming under his son’s gaze Ben disappeared up the stairs and out of sight. But in the safety of his room the mask finally fell and Ben’s face suddenly became etched with a sadness rarely seen as the heartbreaking realisation life on the Ponderosa after today would never be the same for him, ever again.

Meanwhile with his thumbs hooked through his belt, Adam stared after his father for several long moments; his words ringing in his ears. “No Pa, that’s something I won’t ever forget,” he finally declared with a slow smile. “I wouldn’t dare. Not in a million years.”

And as his expression transformed into a full blown grin, Adam’s eyes once more lit up with confidence, self belief and anticipation, content to know that after today life as he’d known it would never be the same, ever again.

The End