Summary:  an uncredited member of the Bonanza Cast finally gets to tell his story

Rated: K+ (1,105 words)

 

Recollections of a Hairpiece

 

Interviewer: “In our “Where are they now” series, we profile lesser-known performers who have nevertheless made significant contributions to the history of show business. We are talking today to Adam Cartwright’s hairpiece from the popular TV show “Bonanza.”

The interviewer sits cross-legged in her large chair, while the Hairpiece is comfortably arranged on a large purple velvet cushion on the seat of the opposite chair.

“Dear hairpiece, even though your role on Bonanza was uncredited, you nevertheless had a very prominent part.”

“Well, yes. Everybody knew I was there. I mean, just imagine Bonanza without me. It would have been a completely different show.”

“And how did you like Pernell Roberts? Was he nice to work with?”

“Now I’m going to be honest here. Pernell didn’t like me. We had a difficult working relationship. He always tried to get the producers to fire me. He thought he could do just fine without me, but of course, we all know that would have been a disaster. Still, the moment it was “cut”, he ripped me off and just flung me aside. Once he tossed me on the catering tables and and stormed off and I got mayonnaise all over me. No respect whatsoever. I guess it never occurred to him I had professional pride of my own. And then he’d forget where he put me, and they had to delay the next scene while everybody ran around looking for me. Really, that was very insulting.”

“But surely there must have been good moments, too. What are some of your fondest memories?”

“Oh, I liked the horse riding, whenever his hat got blown off and I could flutter in the wind a bit.”

“And your least favorite moments – other than being flung into the mayonnaise?”

“Anything where he had a hat on. Which was often. Sometimes, I wasn’t even called back if it was a hat scene. They just sent me home early. Apparently, Pernell preferred his hat to me.”

“Are there any scenes you are particularly proud of?”

“Yes – one. It was in “Right is the 4th R”. Adam gets beat up at the school, and when he keels over on the porch, you can see me kinda lift off a bit and wave to the audience. It’s very brief, but very expressive. You gotta look quick, though, or you miss it.”

“And the producers let you do that?”

“They didn’t notice till later! Oh sure, they were hopping mad. But it would have been too expensive to re-shoot.”

“On a different note, are you the only one in your family to go into show business?”

“Yes, actually. I come from very humble beginnings. My family has been mostly employed in the janitorial field: mobs, dusters, and so on, although one of my aunts is a fuzzy sofa cushion in a massage parlor in Las Vegas. The only other family member who had ambitions to be a hairpiece was my older brother. But it didn’t work out.”

“Why not?”

“He was afraid of heights.”

“Oh, that is unfortunate. Back to you, after Mr. Roberts left the show, what became of you?”

“My very next gig was when I got a small part as a tribble on Star Trek. It was uncredited, too, but for the first time I was acting by myself, not – you know – glued to somebody’s head, if you know what I mean. I even had a few lines.”

“You talked?”

“Well, I kinda giggled. Or sniggered. Those little peepeti-peep peep noises the tribbles made. You can hear me in that scene where Uhura snuggles up to me at the bar and coo-coos to me. That Uhura – I can honestly say that was the highlight of my career. Pernell never petted me the way she did.”

“But wait a moment – wasn’t that tribble beige or pink in color?”

“Well, yes. This is embarrassing. I had to be bleached. It was very itchy and unpleasant. Very humiliating. But the producers insisted there could be no dark tribbles. Tribbles were supposed to be positive creatures, so they could only come in fluffy, happy colors. I thought it was a very backwards attitude, and so did Lieutenant Uhura.”

“Did you ever have any lines on Bonanza?”

“No – I asked for it, but the producers felt it was inappropriate for Adam’s hairpiece to be vocal. That made me very angry, so whenever I could, I made sure I got a word in anyways.”

“Really? What are some of the things you said?”

“Well, I made some noises from under the hat or so. Little grunts or farting noises and such that could be attributed to Adam and not be blamed on me.”

“Name an example for our audience.”

“Okay, there was that time in Woman of Fire where Adam had to fall into the pond. I really hate getting wet. I complained to the producers, but they just laughed at me. So, in revenge, I made a really rude noise when Adam fell into the water. Everybody thought it was Pernell. Check it out on tape – you can hear it really well.”

“Good for you. After your work with Mr. Roberts, were you able to cover for any other stars?”

“No. Things were pretty rough for a while.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Yes. You see, stars don’t like to use other stars’ hair pieces. They like to have theirs custom-made. I briefly auditioned for Burt Reynolds in the late seventies – it was a low budget film –  but he was going grey at the time, and I just flat out refused to be bleached again. One has one’s pride.”

“I see. Have you done much since then?”

“No. Just lying around enjoying my retirement.”

“Do you have any plans for the future?”

“Well, we are continuing the fight to secure accreditation and health benefits for working hairpieces in the industry. You’d think they could at least afford to give us a few moth balls and some conditioner. I also applied for a position at the Museum of Television History. They’ve got a lot of Bonanza stuff there, but I guess they’re still not ready to acknowledge my contribution.”

INTERVIEWER: “Dear Hairpiece, I’d like to thank you for this interview and wish you good luck for the future.”

 

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.