Summary:  A What Happened Instead for The Decision.  What if the doctor wasn’t able to do the surgery?  Ben recalls conversations he has had with Hoss and the best of his middle son’s attributes.
Rating: PG  Word count: 1243

Always One More

There was always one more conversation to have, always one conversation that one wished had happened. Ben Cartwright had a conversation with his middle son that he needed to have. Hoss always had so much wisdom and Ben needed his words again more than he could possibly say. More than any other, he remembered the wisdom his middle son spoke to him on so many occasions. They were imprinted on his heart. He remembered one that would make an epitaph to make any family proud of the man of whom it could be said.

“Pa, in this world, there’s so much that’s no good that I want to say that when I’m done passing through, I’ve added some good and not done nothing to add to the misery any folks feel. Ifn I can’t do good, then I guess I shouldn’t do nothing at all.”

Remembering his answer now, it seemed even more of an excuse than it had then, and Hoss in his usual gentle way had more or less said that to him.

“Hoss, don’t you think sometimes hard choices force us to do things that we would rather not do? We have to do things because otherwise worse things would happen.”

“I guess maybe that could happen, but seems to me ifn we tried harder, we could always have found a better way, one that wouldn’t have done no harm, dontcha think?”

“I don’t know. I’m remembering those sheepherders who took Adam hostage. I know I didn’t handle that well, but, honestly, even if I had gotten the sheriff, that bunch was trouble. Maybe they would have hurt Roy if he had gone out there to try to move them on.”

Ben didn’t have to see that smile to know it was there. Hoss always knew when his father was being foolish even if he never or perhaps rarely said it to him. This was one of those moments. Hoss was the son who was the most sensitive and effective when telling his father he had a blind spot and needed to make a change. Adam had a way of challenging him that he needed at times, but it made him too prickly to listen to the wisdom his eldest might have had for him. His third son went from silly to wise in the blink of an eye so it was difficult to know when he should be listening and when he should be talking to him. Hoss though picked his moments carefully and usually made sure his father was ready to listen or made sure he did listen. His advice about those sheepherders was like that.

“Pa, we had more than a hundred men working for us at the time. Ifn we had shown up with a force to be reckoned with, they would have likely moved on peacefully especially if you had given permission for them to take that shortcut across our land. They wouldn’t have had done much damage if any, and none of us would have been in danger, and probably nobody would have died.”

Bristling at that, Ben had wanted to retort quickly but forced himself to hold back and think about it. He knew that some of his neighbors had turned to raising sheep on their rougher pastures especially at the higher elevations and had found that it was a myth that they destroyed the grass. As long as they were moved to where there was enough to eat, they did eat the grass lower than what cows did, but his neighbors had found that they could move sheep into a pasture that cows had already grazed and the sheep could graze successfully and the grass grew back quite well. When he finally responded to what Hoss had said, he knew there would be that small smile that Hoss could never hold back in such situations. Whenever he or Adam talked themselves into a corner like this, Hoss had that smile. Ben had to concede the point.

“Yes, you’re probably right about that.”

“Yeah, it can be hard to see things straight when we’re mad. Happened to me too. If I would have talked to Adam before I hit him instead of after I thought I saw him kissing Regan, I would have known what happened with her. I still wouldn’t have liked him interfering like he did, but I would have understood what happened. He was trying to help not take her away from me, but he was treating me like a little brother instead of like a man who could handle his own affairs. I still would have been mad but not so crazy mad as I was.”

“You’re a very forgiving man, Hoss. You’re always willing to see what’s in our hearts and not only judge us by our actions.”

“It’s what we’re supposed to do, ain’t it, Pa? Ifn we want it from folks, we gotta give it to ’em too. I shur would hate it ifn people held every little thing I ever did wrong against me. I try to forgive and forget except the forgetting can be a mite hard at times especially when what was done hurts so bad.”

“I can understand that. You would have to be a saint to forget all the wrongs that have been done to you.”

He had to imagine the conversation that he would have with his son about this.

“They all make us what we are, don’t they, Pa? I wouldn’t be who I am without all that’s happened. I guess I learned something from each and every one of them things that happened. Ifn you like me the way I am, then I gotta accept that what happened was for the best. It all made me a better man. It did make me a good man, didn’t it, Pa?”

“Yes, it did, Hoss. Yes, you did become a good man, a very good man.”

“Pa, I want people to remember me for what I tried to do and for what was in my heart. I want them to remember me and smile. I want them to say that I was a good man. It’s the kind of thing that you leave in other people’s hearts every day that matters, ain’t it?”

“Yes, it is, son. Yes, it is. You left a big memory in all of our hearts.”

“That’s good then, ain’t it. I mean there are those I remember, and the memory makes me smile. I want to be that kind of memory for folks.”

Then Ben could hold back no longer. Bending forward, he put his hand on the large pine box and dropped his head as his memory of his blue-eyed son with the infectious smile and booming laugh filled his heart. Ever since they had brought him in from that terrible accident, he had been reliving each and every conversation he could remember having with Hoss wanting to imprint them on his mind so he could never forget. There were so many questions to God and fate as to why his son had to die and others lived. He had done this three times before with his wives, but it was so much harder to bury a son. Yet the same thought was there.

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. I have the love forever of a son gone too soon.”

The tears came then.

TAGS:  Ben Cartwright, Hoss Cartwright