Summary: Months after Marie’s death, Ben is ready to come back to his life on the ranch. Now it’s a matter of finding the way back home.
Rating:  PG   (Words 3,680)

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The Brandsters have included this story by this author in our project: Preserving Their Legacy. To preserve the legacy of the author, we have decided to give their work a home in the Bonanza Brand Fanfiction Library.  The author will always be the owner of this work of fanfiction, and should they wish us to remove their story, we will.

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HOME TO STAY

Author’s Note:  My first story, I hope you enjoy it!

 

 

Adam closed his eyes slowly, wishing that by so doing he could prove what was happening unreal. It didn’t work.

“The contract gets annulled now!” His father shot him an angry glare, and Adam knew that by trying to persuade him otherwise he was fighting a losing battle. Still, try he did – there was no other choice.

“Sir, I don’t see how we can go back on this now. I’m sorry if you don’t approve of the deal, but we need this money just as much as they need the horses.”

The color in the older man’s face rose dangerously as he regarded his young son. “Do you intend to defy me on this, Adam?”

It was always a bad sign when Ben’s voice turned this quiet, and Adam couldn’t help an involuntary shudder. A quiet desperation filled his heart.

“What would you have me do, Pa? I signed the contract, agreed to the conditions – they have my word.”

“You did it behind my back! Who gave you the permission to launch this horse-breaking business in the first place, I ask you?!”

Adam was finding it increasingly difficult to think clearly. He was exhausted – both physically and mentally. There wasn’t a place on his body that wasn’t hurting, and there wasn’t a part of his mind that would not be shadowed by pain and worry and grief. For months, he had been waiting for his father to re-enter their life so that he could shed the burden of responsibility that had been cast upon him.

And now it was happening – there was recognition in Ben’s dark eyes that was lacking there before. But instead of an expected relief, the feeling washing over him was closer to fear. He wished he could fall asleep, only to wake up to the world in which things were making sense again. He dared a look at his father, and his throat tightened. Nothing was right in the world, and everything was wrong.

**********

It was a harsh awakening for Ben. He knew he could no longer shun the reality of the world without Marie in it, but now this very world seemed to be doing some of its own shunning in relation to him. It wasn’t the life he recognized that awaited him back home. He knew it would take some time to pick up the pieces but was not prepared for the feelings of helplessness and frustration that seemed to dog his steps from the moment he set his foot on the ranch.

He certainly wasn’t prepared for the sight of his seventeen-year-old son breaking horses in a newly built corral, and when he learnt of the contract Adam had signed with Jack Hopkins, he was furious. Anger, fuelled by fear, was driving him now, and the defiance building up in the eyes of his first-born was not helping things.

“We needed the money.” Adam looked away, his voice quiet, almost pleading.

“This isn’t the answer to my question, boy! I asked you on what grounds you deemed yourself competent to make a decision to start a new contract, without my consent?! And horses, of all things!”

Adam’s eyes snapped back to him, his expression hurt.

“You weren’t here to give your consent, Pa.” He swallowed hard. “And about the horses… we can’t shut this part of life out just because Marie died the way she did,” he added quietly.

The pain and anger in their purest form blinded Ben to reason, and the next thing he knew, Adam was staring at him in shock. Then, slowly, the boy raised his hand to his mouth and studied the blood-smeared finger tips. He looked up, and Ben saw a play of responses reflect on his face: hurt, disbelief, something close to fear. His own heart was pounding, and his mind could not comprehend the meaning of what had just happened.

Adam squared his shoulders and, wiping the blood off his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt, walked past him and into the house. Ben stood frozen to the spot, listening to the falls of his son’s boots on the stairs, then the bang of the door closing, then nothing.

“Ben?”

He forgot that Roy was still there, a silent witness of a confrontation between a father and a son.

“Was that really necessary?”

He ran his hand over his face, trying to settle his confused emotions. “I didn’t mean to slap him, Roy…”

The other man put a comforting hand on his friend’s strong shoulder, torn between sympathy for a grieving husband and frustration at how he let this grief override his better sense.

“Your boy has been trying to keep this place from falling apart – he did a darn good job of it, too, Ben.”

“I know, Roy… I know… still, he shouldn’t have spoken like that about… about….”

Roy shook his head in exasperation. “And why not? He was right, and you know it,” he hated to be this blunt, but he could think of no other way to reach the man.

His features contorted with pain, Ben stared at him wordlessly.

“You lost Marie, Ben. How much more are you prepared to lose before this ends?”

“What do you mean?” his eyes narrowed to slits, he considered the man before him.

Roy held his gaze. “What I mean is there’s more than one way to lose somebody.” He jerked his head towards the spot where Adam stood not so long ago.

Ben’s gaze traveled in the direction of the house, and his jaw clenched.

“I won’t let it happen,” he said in low voice. “I’m not losing my son, Roy.”

The words sounded like a threat.

***********

“Hey Adam!” Joe hopped off the porch and scurried in the direction of a tall, dark-haired boy.

Even in the gathering gloom of the late evening Ben could see the weariness etched on Adam’s face. Still, the older boy smiled as he scooped the child and lifted him up.

“Hey yourself, little brother,” he said in a tired voice, and planted a kiss on the top of Joe’s curly head.

“Hop Sing says… “Joe stopped suddenly and his eyes grew wide. “What happened to your face?”

A smile died on Adam’s lips and he lowered the boy back to the ground.

“It’s nothing, Joe. Let’s go in, I’m starving,” he put an arm around Joe’s slender shoulders and steered him towards the house.

It was then that Adam noticed his father standing on the porch, his frame somewhat blurred in the growing dark, and he paused for a second before carrying on.

“Adam…”

He stopped, but still refused to look at Ben. Sensing his brother’s sudden tension, Joe clung closer to him, his little hand gripping at the bigger one.

“Son, we need to talk,” Ben said evenly, and his gaze shifted towards his youngest boy. “Joe, tell Hop Sing that Adam and I will be in later, will you.”

The kid did not move – if anything, his grip on Adam grew stronger.

“Please, do as I say, son.” Ben gave his five-year-old a warning look. The boy hid his face in his brother’s pants and refused to let go.

Adam gave his father a furtive glance and saw the lines on his face carve deeper – a sign of hurt, caused by the realization of a wedge that forged between himself and his sons.

“It’s okay, Joe. Please, do as Pa says,” Adam said softly. The curly head shook fiercely, and the grip of the little hands tightened.

“I wanna stay with ya!”

Adam bit his lip. He squatted down on his heels and cupped the child’s face.

“Well, I guess I’ll have to starve then,” he stated sadly, watching the boy from under his long lashes.

“Huh?”

“I really counted on you to save some of the supper for me before Hoss has it all wiped out.”

“You want me to save some fer you?”

“Would you do that for me? It’s not an easy job, you know,” he winked, and Joe nodded.

“Don’t ya worry none, Adam,” he said importantly, and dashed for the house. He halted at the door. “But you won’t be long, right?”

“Right.”

The door closed, leaving the two alone in the gloom of the dying day. Ben studied the boy standing before him – for the first time in months he took a good look at his son, and was shaken by what he saw.

Adam’s lowered lashes did not manage to conceal the dark shadows under his eyes, and his face, while tanned from daily outdoorsy work, looked glaringly washed out. An ugly bruise on his cheek was a painful remainder of their earlier confrontation, and Ben’s throat tightened at the sight of his boy’s face, aware of his own contribution to its present state. The thought that he could raise a hand to one of his sons in this manner was still not fully registering with him. He reached for Adam’s cheek, and frowned when the motion made the boy jerk his head away, his eyes widening in fear.

“Adam… “he said softly, his hand left hovering in the air.

Hesitantly, the boy faced him again, allowing Ben to cup the side of his face with his hand. He cringed slightly, but otherwise remained motionless as his father surveyed the damage done to his cheek.

“I’m sorry about that, son.”

Adam averted his eyes. “That’s okay, Pa.”

Ben shook his head, scowling. “No, Adam, it is not okay. It was uncalled for.”

He stopped, unsure of how to say all the things that needed saying. Adam shifted uncomfortably. With his right hand he reached into the pocket and took out a few banknotes, which he then handed to his father. Ben raised his eyebrows questioningly.

“That’s for the horses we’ve delivered so far. I asked Mr Hopkins to come by tomorrow, so that you can tell him about your decision concerning the rest of the contract.”

The boy was still avoiding any eye-contact with Ben. Automatically, Ben stretched his arm to accept the money, surprised at this turn of events. Stronger than a feeling of gratification at hearing that Adam did follow his order was a sense of guilt at breaking the boy into obedience, regardless of all the effort he had put into the assignment.

Taking a deep breath, he faced his young son. “Very well, then. We’ll talk it over later.”

Adam did not reply, but there was a shadow of curiosity in his expression as he considered his father cautiously. Ben wondered how much time had to pass before he would see something else than hurt or distrust, or confusion there. Gently, he put a hand on Adam’s shoulder and guided him towards the steps. They sat down; arm in arm yet worlds apart.

“Adam, my anger today was misplaced. I took it out on you, and I’m very sorry for that,” he hesitated, stealing a glance at the boy. “I know I failed you boys miserably in my duties as your father. I should have never left you alone to cope with… what happened.”

“Does that mean… you’re back?” Adam eyed him warily, his whole posture tense.

Ben smiled slightly at the question and its double meaning. He put an arm around Adam’s shoulders, and this time the boy did not shy away.

“Yes, son. I’m back,” he said softly, and his heart grew warm at the sight of a hesitant smile that crept on the boy’s tired face. But too soon the smile was replaced with a shadow of worry.

“I…I tried to do my best, sir. I just…half of the time I had no idea what to do, and how to do it,” he hid his head in hands, his fingers raking the hair that was in a desperate need of a haircut. “I never meant to do anything behind your back, Pa. I only tried to make things work.”

“Adam.”

While not harsh, the tone Ben assumed was nonetheless firm; enough so to get the boy’s attention. Once Adam raised his head to meet his father’s eyes, Ben continued, this time in a much mellower voice.

“Son, you were left to cope with the burden that should have never been yours to bear in the first place. And you’ve done beautifully. No father could be prouder of a son than I am of you.”

A look of concern on Adam’s young face dissolved once his mind registered his father’s words, and his eyes lit up. Never one to feel comfortable with open praise, though, he swiftly focused on his hands. This earned him a knowing smile from Ben.

“Thanks, Pa. You might change your mind once you’ve had a good look at the books, though.”

Ben squeezed the boy’s shoulder, and then, unable to stop himself, he simply drew his seventeen-year-old into a loving embrace. The fact that Adam did not fight it spoke volumes about how hard the last months must have been on him. Still, no matter what prompted the boy to accept this gesture of affection, Ben wasn’t going to complain as long as he could cherish this moment of closeness with his child.

He smiled when Adam rested his head against his shoulder, and held his son close, allowing some time to pass. At last, he tapped his back gently and made to let go of him, when the realization hit him that Adam’s head was still safely nested in the folds of his shirt. Surprised, he took a closer look at the boy, and rolled his eyes in amusement.

Adam was asleep.

***********

Having smoothed the blanket with which he covered Adam’s sleeping form, Ben spared his oldest son a worried look.

“He looks exhausted.”

Hop Sing, who had helped Ben to get the boy up to his bedroom, frowned at the remark.

“Boy not sleep enough, not eat enough. He make himself sick.”

As they made their way downstairs, Ben considered the cook’s words and found their inclination disturbing.

“Was it that bad, Hop Sing? I mean, for him to take care of things when I was away?”

The other hesitated, unwilling to add to the man’s burden, yet aware that lying would do no good either.

“Number one son work till dark, and then he work on papers late into night. And some nights he not sleep at all, when Little Joe has nightmares.”

Ben kept staring at the flames dancing in a large fireplace, his heart growing heavier as Hop Sing related the facts. He covered his mouth with a hand, trying to calm his racing mind.

“I didn’t know about Joe’s nightmares”

Hop Sing shrugged his shoulders; there really wasn’t much to say to that, nothing that both of them didn’t know already. An overcoming feeling of guilt flooded Ben, but he fought it off, knowing that this was not a right time for it. He needed to be strong for the boys, and feeling guilty was not going to help him with that.

“Well, I’ll make sure that Adam gets a full night’s sleep tonight. As for Hoss and Joe, we might as well leave the door to their bedrooms open, just in case they need me.”

***********

Loud cries pierced the quiet of the night, startling Ben from his slumber. Grabbing his dressing gown, he staggered into the hall, almost colliding with his middle son.

“It’s Joe, Pa. He’s havin’ one of them nightmares,” the boy mumbled, still drowsy and rather confused after his sudden awakening.

Ben entered his youngest son’s bedroom and rushed to the little boy that kept trashing in his bed.

“Hush, Joe… calm down, child. Your Pa’s here…”

His soothing words were lost on Joe, who kept tossing and turning, his shrieks growing in strength. Nothing Ben said or did seemed to have any effect on the child caged in his fear and blind to what was going on around him.

“It’s okay, Pa, I’ve got him.”

Ben found himself staring at his oldest son, who somehow materialized at his side and, taking hold of his little brother, brought him to his chest, his hand massaging the child’s back.

Adam whispered soothing words in the boy’s ear and, gradually, Joe’s cries subsided, eventually turning into hiccups. The little form clung to the older boy, a little curly head finding shelter on Adam’s shoulder. A few more minutes passed, with Adam continuing to rock his brother, his own eyes drooping with tiredness.

“Let me have him, Adam. Go back to bed,” Ben whispered at last, afraid of wakening Joe.

Adam loosened his grip at Joe and tried to transfer the little body into his father’s arms, but a movement did not go unnoticed. Clinging to his brother, Joe voiced his objection.

“I’ll just take him to my bed,” Adam said softly, and scooped the child up, exhaustion evident in his every move.

Ben knew he should object to that – there was no way Adam could rest through what was left of the night with an upset Joe by his side, but there didn’t seem to be any choice in the matter. He looked at the boy and cringed at the sight of a bruise that marred his tired face, clearly visible now.

“Are you sure?”

Adam simply nodded, words presenting too much of an effort at the moment. Ben followed them with his eyes, his two sons whose pain he could not relieve.

************

“What do you think you’re doing down here, young man?”

In a grey light of an early morning, Ben could see a warning register on Adam’s face.

“Sir?”

Clearly weary of his father’s manner, Adam stopped at the bottom of the stairs and considered the man cautiously.

“I asked you what you were doing here this early, Adam?”

“Doing?” the boy blinked at him, incredulous, wishing that this conversation started to make sense.

Ben stood up from behind the table, where he enjoyed his morning coffee, and approached his son.

“I want you to go back to bed.”

The look of confusion on the young face was now complete, and Ben couldn’t help but smile. “And don’t look so unhappy about it, it’s supposed to be a good thing to be allowed to skip a few morning chores.”

“But Pa… I need to take care of —“

“What you need, my boy, is to do as I say.”

“But —“

Ben shut his eyes for a second, praying for patience.

“Adam, I think we discussed it last night. I AM back, and this means that the running of the ranch is not on your shoulders anymore. I’ll take care of what needs to be done, and you WILL go back to your bed and stay there till I say you may come down. And not a minute earlier.”

Seeing the frown that shadowed the boy’s face, he put a hand on Adam’s shoulder and looked at him squarely.

“Son, you’re barely able to stand on your feet. I need you to tell me about how things worked here for the last couple of months, and show me in, but not until I’m sure you’ve had a decent rest and won’t collapse on me. Is that understood?”

Adam nodded, still eyeing him suspiciously.

“Good. Now scoot back upstairs, and let me take care of you for a change. It will do both of us good.”

Hesitantly, the boy turned away, but came to a halt on the first step.

“Pa, are you sure –“

“Adam, do you really need a lesson in obedience, son?”

One brow raised, Ben gave him a familiar look. Adam shook his head vigorously.

“No, sir,” he assured Ben. Then, a mischievous grin brightened his features. ”In fact, I’m willing to let you do the evening chores for me as well, Pa, to make it up to you for this present lack of cooperation.”

Luckily, he was beyond the reach of Ben’s arm, and a cautionary “A-dam” was all he got.

Seeing him disappear upstairs, Ben allowed himself a little smile which soon turned into a quiet chuckle. He had never thought he would be happy to see Adam get smart with him, but in those circumstances he almost welcomed it as a sign that things were on their way back to normal.

Returning to his desk, he took a steaming cup and brought it to his lips. The papers strewn all over the wooden surface were screaming for his attention, but he chose to ignore them for a minute or two.

The day was dawning sunny and crisp, and for a moment Ben engrossed himself in the atmosphere of anticipation it inspired. He didn’t know how much time it would take for his family to heal, but he did know one thing – he would be there to see it happen. No, he would be there to make sure it does happen. It was just a matter of time and a matter of love – and Ben had enough of those, if nothing else.

**********

He stopped in the middle of his bedroom and took a deep breath. His eyes slid over a small form huddled in a small knot on his bed, sleeping peacefully.

A sound of rustling reached him from behind the wall; Hoss would be up soon, ready to track him down in the barn where he should be at the moment, taking his place by Adam’s side as they go about the morning chores. He wondered if Pa would intercept him, too.

Adam closed his eyes slowly, feeling the warmth of the first sun rays on his face. There were so many things he found confusing, emotions he couldn’t quite name. And yet, he was beginning to recognize the fabric of the world he stepped into. Eyes sealed, he held on to that feeling.

It felt like home.

 

The End