Summary: The first Christmas after Hoss is gone is difficult for everyone even with Adam there.
Rating: PG  Word count: 1223

His Own Way

Remembering Hoss’ words, Adam had to smile even though he hadn’t thought of those words applying to Christmas before. These perhaps were not battles, but inside, there were emotional struggles for each one.

“Every man has to fight his own battles in his own way.”

As he watched his younger brothers at the tree that afternoon, it seemed appropriate. Jamie was handling his gift with reverence making Adam appreciate how thoughtful Hoss had been in choosing his gifts. Clearly, he had been planning for Christmas well in advance. In looking through Hoss’ room, Adam had found several cloth-wrapped parcels marked with tags labeled ‘Jamie’, ‘Joe’, and ‘Pa’. He had smiled when he found them seeing those little paper tags with Hoss’ penmanship so easy to read and so distinctly his style too. There wasn’t one for him, but then Hoss hadn’t known he would be home. If not for the tragic accident, he wouldn’t have been there, but the telegram with that news had drawn him home.

When Adam walked down the stairs with the three items in his hands, Joe had almost challenged him wondering why he had taken anything from Hoss’ room. It seemed that Joe had a nearly reverential attitude about the room. He didn’t want anything touched in there seeming to think that somehow he could keep up the pretense that Hoss was still there if his room looked like he had only stepped out for a moment. Most likely, Joe didn’t even like knowing what Adam had been doing, but Adam wasn’t going to hide it from him either.

“I was looking through his things getting a feel for what life was like in the years I was gone, and I found these. They’re marked with your names. They appear to be gifts to all of you from Hoss.”

Gently, Ben had taken his gift from Adam’s hands like a father receiving a newborn babe. He held it not removing the cloth from it. Joe took his gift and looked like he wanted to take it back to Hoss’ room as if he hadn’t received it. With excitement, Jamie however quickly removed the cloth wrapped around his and found a carved pair of bookends. Each was a scene from the Ponderosa. One was a mountain scene and the other was the big lake. Jamie examined each to make sure he didn’t miss a single detail turning each one over and over his hands to give them a thorough inspection. Then with tears threatening to spill, he looked at their father.

“Pa, do you see these? They’re so beautiful. Wherever I go, I can take the Ponderosa with me, and Hoss will be there too.”

Somehow, Jamie had fought his sorrow and found a way to keep Hoss in his heart. Watching their father and wondering how he had coped with the sorrow, Adam waited to see what he would do. Slowly Ben unwrapped his gift. It was a hand-carved pipe rack. It looked like it was meant to stand on a desk or table. Carefully setting it on the small side table beside him, Ben took his pipe from his pocket and put it in the stand. It fit there perfectly.

“I knew it would. He must have measured it when I wasn’t looking. His hands and his heart are right there for me. I can reach out and touch them any time I need him.”

Joe reacted in anger.

“It’s not enough. It’s only wood. It’s cold and hard. It’s not like Hoss at all.”

Silence prevailed for a time as no one wanted to react to that. Not wanting to let Joe’s words be the last thing said about Hoss’ absence on this first Christmas without him, Adam was the first to dare to speak.

“Why don’t you unwrap Hoss’ gift to you?”

“I guess I should. At least I have a gift.”

It was meant to hurt. It didn’t. Adam had already suffered guilt for not being there and sorrow for the loss. Nothing Joe said was going to make either of those worse. He stayed silent as Joe slowly unwrapped his gift from their brother.

“It’s beautiful.”

Unable to help himself, Joe was moved by his brother’s gift. Holding it in both hands, he caressed a small carving of a stallion running all out with its mane and tail extended because of its speed. Adam and the others had tears in their eyes watching Joe with his carving, but Adam was the one who spoke first.

“It’s something you shared, the love of horses and an appreciation of their beauty. You’ll always have that.”

“It’s strange. It’s almost like he knew he wouldn’t be here, and he left a part of himself for each of us.”

Jamie sounded a bit like a philosopher. Adam was beginning to like this new brother more and more and how he seemed a natural fit in the family.

Joe offered the olive branch to Adam trying to soften the blow he had delivered earlier. He knew it was the pain of losing Hoss that caused him to strike out. He didn’t want to hurt Adam, and now he needed to make amends.

“I’m sorry he didn’t leave anything for you.”

“He did. I have all of you.”

Seeing Joe’s expression, Adam could see that he had made him feel bad about what he had said. That had not been his intent, but he thought he had a way out of the dilemma.

“Hoss told me once that regret was like having a corral without a gate. You can ride and ride and ride and there’s no way out. You can’t change what happened and you can’t take it back. You have to let it go and move forward. I’m ready. How about you?”

“Yes, and thank you. Hoss was a wise man.”

“He certainly was.”

“It’s all right for you to be in Hoss’ room. Maybe we could sit in there together and talk over some of those things we did years ago, you know, with all three of us.”

“I’d like that. Maybe Jamie would like to join us and hear some of the family history he doesn’t know.”

“Yeah, I sure would.”

At about that time, Hop Sing announced their Christmas meal.

“There’s only two drumsticks, and I aim to get me one of ’em. House rule is first two at the table gets the drumsticks.”

Adam quoting Hoss’ lines caught both Joe and Jamie off guard which Adam had been counting on. He was halfway to the table before they realized they needed to run. Ben smiled. Hoss was still with them and helping their hearts heal from the loss, each in their own way. When Ben got to the table, his eyes were glistening. He took time to press his hands on Adam’s shoulders to let him know how much he appreciated how he was helping the family too. It helped Ben too because his heart could heal faster as he saw his sons regaining their joy in life. Ben knew Hoss would approve. The smiles from Joe and Jamie showed him that they did as well. Even though they found they had to heal in different ways, they were helping each other get there but each in his own way.