Synopsis: Adam’s cousin from New York arrives and Adam is faced with some tough decisions.
Rating:  PG
Words: 14,800

Decisions Series:

 

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Decisions, Decisions

by Kathryn (06/02)

“Papa! Papa!” The curly headed three-year-old raced across the great room to greet his father, hurling himself into outstretched arms.

“There’s my big fella!” exclaimed Ben, as he swung the little boy high into the air. He beamed at his wife, who was right behind her baby son, and placed a loving kiss on her lips. Although in reality Ben Cartwright had only been gone nine days, it seemed like an eternity to him. His family was the most important thing in the world and he felt as if he left a piece of himself behind each time he went away.

“Mama, kiss me,” the baby demanded. Both parents laughed and planted kisses all over his angelic face until he gave an ear piercing scream that made Ben set him down quickly.

“Joseph,” his mother admonished with an indulgent smile, and Little Joe Cartwright looked up at her, eyes wide and innocent, lower lip out. Unable as usual to resist her son’s charms, she bent over and squeezed him. “It’s all right baby. Mama’s not mad.” The grin he gave her just about melted her heart, and Ben shook his head, fearful that the child was becoming spoiled, yet unable to do anything about it.

“PA!” The door burst open behind them, hitting the wall with a resounding thwack and slamming shut again. Ben found himself wrapped in a bear hug, wondering if it was possible that an eight-year-old could have grown taller and broader in the short time he’d been away.

“Hoss, I’ve missed you son.” Ben managed to break free of his grasp and ruffled his middle son’s sandy hair, choosing not to reprimand him for slamming the door. “Been behaving?” Ben’s tone was teasing, as he knew this boy was usually no trouble at all.

” ‘Course I been behavin’, ain’t that right Ma?” He turned his crystal blue eyes toward his stepmother, who reached out and tweaked his nose.

“Other than his grammar, he’s been perfect,” declared Marie, winking.

Ben felt a tug on his pant legs. “Did ya bring me somethin’ Papa?”

“Of course I did, Joseph. I brought something for everyone.” Just realizing his entire family was not all there, Ben’s coal black eyes scanned the room. “Where’s Adam?”

Marie linked her arm in Ben’s before answering. “Our oldest son took the responsibility of running the Ponderosa very seriously while you were gone. He’s out with Jake and Charlie digging the new fence posts.”

Ben raised a black brow. “Oh really?”

“Yeah, Pa. He thinks he’s the boss,” Hoss complained, carrying his father’s saddlebags to where his parents were now seated, just in case. “He might not be home till way late, so maybe ya oughtta give us our gifts now.”

“Yeah, I want my gift now,” Joe parroted.

“I think we can wait for your brother. In fact, I think we can wait till after dinner, which by the way, smells wonderful.” He sniffed the air dramatically, making both boys laugh. “Hoss, why don’t you take your brother upstairs to get cleaned up?” Ben suggested.

“Aw Pa, he ain’t so very dirty,” Hoss replied, holding up the baby as proof.

“He’s not that dirty,” Ben corrected, although he knew he was wasting his breath.

“That’s what I meant.” Hoss’s tone was dejected, and Ben poked him in his ribs, making his smile reappear.

“Well, no matter. Just get him cleaned up.”

Alone at last, Ben turned to Marie and pulled her close. Lord how he missed her!

She looked up at him, teasing. “So are you going to tell me about your trip?”

“Plenty of time for that later. Right now, I can think of something else I’d much rather be doing.” And with those words, he bent his head towards her. Gentle, welcoming kisses soon turned a bit more heated, and neither adult noticed the red faced thirteen-year-old boy now standing in the dining room. Just as quietly as he entered the house, he departed, feeling like an interloper.

Sitting on the front porch, Adam Cartwright folded his sore arms across his knees and laid his head down. He had seen his father’s horse in the barn when he tended to his own mount and was anxious to see him, but he supposed a few more minutes wouldn’t make any difference. Marie and Ben were often openly affectionate with one another, and while he was pleased that his father was happy, witnessing their displays made him very uncomfortable. Better to wait out here, just rest for a moment or two…

“Adam!”

Adam felt a gentle shake and jumped, surprised to see his father sitting next to him.

“Pa!” The boy exclaimed, and found himself enveloped in a warm embrace. Adam returned the hug, then pulled away, slightly embarrassed. He rubbed his eyes and stifled a yawn. “Guess I kinda fell asleep for a minute.”

“Yes, I guess you did.” Ben’s large hand squeezed the back of his eldest’s neck. “Marie told me what a big help you’ve been, keepin’ an eye on things while I’ve been gone. I want you to know how proud I am of you.” He smiled down at the boy, who, Ben had to remind himself often, was just that, a boy.

Adam grinned and ducked his head, pleased. Like his brothers, his first thought was to ask what his father had brought him, but trying to be mature, he asked, “Did ya have a good trip? Did we get the contract?”

Ben bit the inside of his cheek to keep from chuckling at his son’s use of the word ‘we’. “Sure did. And if we deliver those horses on time, there’ll be a handsome bonus waiting for us.”

“That’s great, Pa,” Adam said sincerely, smiling, and Ben noticed how much older the boy looked. His teeth weren’t awkward and too big for his mouth anymore – they were all even and white, a young adult’s mouth, not a child’s. With his son’s sleeves rolled up above his elbows, Ben glanced at Adam’s forearms, noting the dark downy hair sprouting almost out of the blue. Pretty soon he’d be teaching his firstborn how to shave, and, more importantly, having the dreaded talk with him about girls. Overcome with a unexpected feeling of sadness, Ben rose slowly to go inside, wondering where the time had gone, wondering when the shy little dark haired boy had been replaced by the competent tall dark haired teenager.

“Pa?”

“Yes, Adam,” Ben turned to look at him. When his son didn’t answer, Ben said, “What is it?”

Heaving a self-conscious sigh, Adam asked softly, “Did ya bring me anythin’?”

Ben’s hearty laugh echoed in the twilight, and Adam stared at him, confused. Putting his arm around Adam’s slender shoulders, Ben guided him toward the door. “I sure did. I’d never forget my boy, you know that.”

 

After dinner, Ben instructed Adam to bring his saddlebags to him. Before he could unbuckle them, Little Joe was at his side, tiny fingers struggling to pull them open.

“Let me look!” Joe cried, reaching his hand down deep, pulling out a long, thin box. His eyes lit up with anticipation.

“That’s for Mama,” Ben explained, and the little face fell. Ben nudged the boy toward the opposite end of the table. “Give that to your mother, Joseph.”

He looked at his father as if he were going to disobey – this waiting was just too much for him! Adam caught the obstinate look on his baby brother’s face and suggested, “Joe, hurry and give that to your Mama, then Pa’ll give ya your present.”

“Yeah, hurry up, Joe,” Hoss added, anxious to see what Pa had brought him.

Little Joe scurried to his mother, shoved the box into her hands, then fairly ran back to his father. Marie smiled, patiently holding her gift unopened while her son dug into the bag again.

“Go on, open it,” Ben said with a wink. She undid the string and unwrapped a silk scarf, covered with flowers in varying shades of pink.

“Oh Ben, it’s lovely. Thank you.”

“Candy!” Joe squealed, finally finding what he was looking for, shoving a square of milk chocolate into his mouth.

“Ain’t he gotta share?” Hoss complained, and Ben handed him his own box, making him a very happy eight-year-old.

“And this is for you.” Ben pulled out a book for Adam, which was no great surprise to any of them. Adam smiled broadly, leafing through the pages immediately.

“Aw, another book?” Hoss said, mystified as to why his brother would prefer that over a toy or delicious candy.

“Well, that’s not all,” Ben said a bit hesitantly. He’d thought about waiting until he was alone with Adam before bringing it up, but Ben was a firm believer in being open with his entire family, and therefore decided to share his information with all the people he loved most. He looked over to Adam, whose smooth forehead was creased in confusion, and wished for a fleeting moment he hadn’t stopped in town at all.

“Waddya mean?” Adam looked up. “Ya got me somethin’ else?”

Ben pulled something from his breast pocket. “When I stopped at the livery to pick up my horse, Tom down at the telegraph station gave me this.” He waved a piece of paper in the air and Marie and Adam stared at him, puzzled.

“What is it?” Marie asked. “A telegram for Adam?” That even got Hoss’s attention. No one but Pa ever got a telegram!

Reluctantly, Ben continued, “Actually, it’s to Adam and me. It’s from James Cavanaugh.”

“Who’s that?” Adam interrupted. He couldn’t recall ever hearing that name.

Ben cleared his throat pointedly, and Adam quickly apologized for interrupting.

His father nodded in acceptance and continued. “He’s your mother’s cousin’s son.” A blank face was his response. “Your mother had one cousin, Jennifer Stoddard. She and her husband – what was his name?” Ben’s eyebrows drew together in thought. “Martin! That was it, Martin. Anyway, she and Martin moved to New York City shortly after their marriage. They married a few years before…before your mother and I.” His voice trailed off, remembering.

Marie came around the table and put her arms around her husband, knowing that even after all these years it was still difficult for him to speak of Adam’s mother. Adam knew this too, and although curious about these relatives his father had never spoken of before, kept his questions to himself, not wanting to hurt his father. Hoss, however, had no such reservations.

“I got cousins? How come we ain’t never seen ‘em?” Hoss asked, mouth full of candy.

Ben heaved a deep sigh and pushed away a feeling of foreboding. “James is really Adam’s cousin, and he’s lived in the East all his life. I’d say he’d be about eighteen, nineteen, by now and…” Looking into Adam’s solemn face, he swallowed and found the strength to continue. “He’s coming for a visit. Wants to meet Adam.”

Unable to keep quiet any longer, Adam asked, “What about Cousin Jennifer? Is she coming too?” He tried to keep the excitement from his words and only his father caught the constrained enthusiasm in his tone. Adam sent up a silent prayer that he would get to meet this cousin who might tell him things about his mother that his father hadn’t shared with him. It would be like clearing away one of the layers of fog that shrouded the elusive image of his real mother. Without realizing it, he held his breath, waiting for Pa to answer. He dared not hope. He’d found out early in life that hope was the road that led to disappointment, and he’d been down that road too many times before.

“No, son, I’m afraid not.”

Adam sighed, not surprised at the answer. “How come?” Adam’s hazel eyes were round and trusting, and now it was Ben’s turn to pray, pray that his son would understand his next words. Reading the look on her husband’s face, Marie scooped up a very dirty Little Joe and beckoned to Hoss to follow her upstairs.

“But can’t I hear ‘bout Adam’s cousins ‘fore I clean up?” Hoss pleaded. Marie shook her head and the child obediently made his way to the upper level.

Adam grew suspicious. Intuitive by nature, intelligent and logical to a fault, the boy knew without a doubt that his father was hiding something from him. Ben could hear the mistrust in his son’s voice as he asked, “Why isn’t Cousin Jennifer comin’ to visit too? And how come ya never told me about her and James Cavanaugh before?”

Ben shut his eyes and massaged his temples methodically, searching for the right words to make Adam understand. He brought his chair closer to Adam’s, reaching out and grasping the boy’s arm, shifting him so that they faced each other. Weary dark eyes met flashing hazel eyes. “Son, shortly after your mother died, Jennifer and her family came to Boston. James was just a little tyke then, and Martin, he was a very successful attorney. They arrived in their fancy coach just as we…we were getting ready to leave.”

Adam’s gaze never wavered from his father’s face.

“You have to understand, there I was with this newborn infant and elderly Mrs. Callahan, ready to go west. I…I didn’t have much to speak of, just a burning desire to leave Boston, leave my memories behind…” Ben hesitated. How could he explain to a child his urgency to leave the place where everywhere he looked he saw his beloved Liz?

“Pa? What about cousin Jennifer and her family?” Adam jolted him back to the present. He knew all this, the story of how they left Boston to follow his parents’ dream. Now he was eager for the new information that his father was obviously finding difficult to divulge.

“Ah, yes.” Ben had to smile slightly at his son’s impatience. So like Adam to want to drag every last detail out of him, leaving no stone unturned. “Your mother’s cousin took one look at you and wanted to keep you, take you back with her to New York and raise you as her son.”

Adam’s eyes widened.

“Your grandfather sided with her, saying that she and Martin could give you a better life, that you’d never want for anything. Even Mrs. Callahan, though she never said it aloud, agreed with them – I could see it in her eyes. But I was stubborn, wanted you with me, didn’t want to lose a part of Elizabeth…” Pa seemed to be far away now, not talking to Adam anymore but lost somewhere in the past. Adam wisely kept quiet while his father went on. “There was an argument, a bad one. We all said some things we shouldn’t have. And we left.” The insecurities Ben thought he’d left behind came rushing back. All the opportunities his son could have had with the Cavanaughs – the education the boy so craved would have been his for the asking – vanished with Ben’s refusal to give his son up. But the doubts surrounding his decision had never fully disappeared.

With the end of his story, Ben seemed to awaken from his trance and looked intently at Adam, trying to gauge his reaction. Adam, in turn, mulled over his father’s words before he voiced the many questions whirling through his head.

“How come ya never told me any of this before?”

“Because…well, there was never really a reason to…” Ben began.

“Never a reason to?” Adam’s voice rose in disbelief. “Never a reason to tell me I had relatives in New York City?”

Ignoring his son’s disrespectful tone, Ben closed his hand around Adam’s wrist, squeezing. “And what would you have done with that information? Visited them? Written them?” Before Adam could answer, he pressed on, a little louder this time. “Years later, once we were settled, I wrote and apologized, but they never answered. I wanted to spare you the hurt of their rejection.”

Narrowing his eyes, Adam spoke softly, “But they rejected you, Pa, not me. They mighta answered me.”

Biting his lower lip, Ben nodded his head thoughtfully. “Maybe you’re right, Adam. But I couldn’t take that chance now, could I?” Adam opened his mouth to speak, but Ben raised his hand to stop him. “No matter what you think, you are still just a child, my child, and I decide what is best for you.”

“Pa, I’m thirteen!” Adam protested, insulted.

Ben smiled, releasing his grip on his son. He reached up to brush back a lock of wavy hair that had fallen across Adam’s forehead, but his son pulled away, not yet willing to concede the argument.

“I don’t understand. I been old enough to watch Hoss since I was a little kid, and now Joe, help ya with the books, plus work on the ranch, but then ya tell me you get to decide things for me ‘cause I ain’t old enough!” He was shouting now, and Ben’s smile faded. He’d had a long day, and he could see from the stubborn set of Adam’s jaw that he wasn’t about to even try to see his father’s perspective.

“I think you’d better watch your tone, boy.” Just as obstinate as his oldest son, he added the final word to put Adam in his place.

“I ain’t a boy! When are ya gonna see that?” Teetering on the edge of childhood, but not quite ready in his father’s eyes to make the leap into young adulthood, Adam stood angrily, unable to control his temper.

“You are just that, a boy, and don’t you forget it!” Ben rose as well, drawing himself to his full six-foot frame, trying to intimidate his firstborn. But it didn’t have the effect he wanted. It just served to incense his son further.

“How can I forget it when ya keep remindin’ me every time I turn around?” Adam retorted angrily.

Silence filled the room. Rage smoldered behind Ben Cartwright’s eyes, and Adam wondered if perhaps he had gone too far this time. Standing erect, he didn’t back down, infuriating Ben even more. Adam braced himself for the impending storm, unconsciously balling his sweaty hands into nervous fists.

When Ben finally spoke, he was amazingly calm, catching Adam totally off guard. “So, you think you’re a man, do you? Want to be treated as an adult, eh?” Adam gulped audibly and willed himself not to tremble. “Fine. From now on, you may make all of your own decisions.”

Adam couldn’t believe his ears. Pa came around to his way of thinking? Nah, there had to be a catch – thirteen years of living with Ben Cartwright had taught him that his father never gave in that easily!

“But remember…” Ben hesitated and Adam let out his breath – here comes the catch, he thought. “You must live with the consequences of your decisions. I won’t be there to clean up your messes or wipe away your tears, understand?” Even as he uttered the words, Ben realized he was wrong; this was not the way to handle the situation. He knew with complete and utter certainty that he would always be there for his children, no matter how old they were. But stubbornness ran rampant in the Cartwright family, and just as Adam wasn’t ready to give in, neither was Ben.

 

By the time breakfast was served the following morning, Ben had calmed down considerably. Adam, however, was still heady with the excitement of his father’s promise to let him make his own decisions. Late last night, after Ben had confessed to Marie what had transpired between him and Adam, she had made her husband promise to rectify the situation. As he munched a piece of bacon, Ben recalled their conversation.

“Ben! I cannot understand you! Adam is right, you know.” She stated.

“What do you mean he’s right? So you think a thirteen year old is a man?”

“No, of course not. But you should have told him he had relatives. Why on earth would you keep something like that from him?” She looked at his reflection in the dressing table mirror as she unpinned her hair.

Ben sighed, hating to admit his own insecurities. “Because – what if he wanted to live with them? You know Adam, he always wants to see new things, travel to big cities, have new experiences. And what about the lure of school? What if he wrote to them and they rejected him? What if they said no, stay and live the life your father insisted on.” Suddenly it was important for him to make his wife understand. “Marie, you came to the Ponderosa when we were fairly established, and now, well, now I can afford to give my family the things they want. But when Adam and I started out, and for a good many years afterward, I couldn’t. His home was a wagon for nearly eight years.” He hesitated, letting the enormity of that statement sink in. “We barely had enough to eat. That child walked practically the entire way across the country! If he got sick, I couldn’t afford a doctor. If he needed clothes or new boots, I had to leave him alone in a strange place and find work so I could buy him what he needed. And then I’d think back to Jennifer and the life she could have given him, and wonder if my selfishness got in the way of his well being.”

Marie got up and sat next to him on the bed, laying her head on his shoulder. Her husband so rarely showed any self-doubt that now she wasn’t sure what to say.

“Darling, I think you are missing one important fact. Adam would never want to leave you. He adores you, loves you more than anyone, anything. Don’t you know that?”

Ben nodded. “Yes, I guess I do. But did you see how anxious he was when he heard about Jennifer? He wanted to meet her and…” His voice was edged with anxiety.

“Of course he wants to meet her!” Marie hugged him tightly. “She’s a link to Elizabeth. You know Adam, if he met Jennifer, he’d be grilling her with questions about the mother he never knew. He can be relentless, you know.”

That last statement elicited a mirthless chuckle from Ben. “You’re right.” He blew out his breath in defeat, shoulders sagging. “I’ll apologize to him tomorrow.”

Marie hid her amused smile, knowing how much he hated apologizing.

Ben continued, “And I’ll tell him I was wrong about treating him as an adult. That was my anger talking.”

Marie rubbed her hand up and down his back, knowing he wouldn’t like her next words. “Well, he is thirteen. And I’m not saying he should make all his own decisions, but perhaps we should loosen the reins a bit.”

“Why? So he can hang himself?” Ben muttered cynically.

Smiling her sweetest smile, looking very much like their son Joseph, she said, “You will be there to make sure that doesn’t happen, oui? Isn’t that what fathers are for?”

“Joseph!” Marie yelled, startling Ben from his reverie. The baby had spilled his cup of milk, just as he did every morning. Without ever looking up, Hoss and Adam silently handed her their napkins, continuing to eat their breakfast as if nothing had happened.

“Adam, ya gonna come fishin’ with me this afternoon?” Hoss asked, chewing noisily.

Ben shot him a look and Hoss swallowed his mouthful quickly.

“I’m not sure, Hoss. Charlie says there’s a break in the southeast corral, so don’t know when I’ll be back from roundin’ up those strays.”

Ben stared at him. Adam hated rounding up stray cattle.

“But if it’s still light out when I get back, we’ll go. We can work on your spellin’ while we’re at it.” Hoss pulled a face – he hated doing his lessons – but was too happy to be going fishing with his older brother to complain. Adam turned to Marie. “If that’s all right with you, Ma’am.”

Marie glanced subtly at Ben, catching his eye and sending a silent ‘I told you so’ across the table. “Of course Adam. I think that’s a fine plan.”

He nodded and rose. “Guess I’ll get started then.” Grabbing his plate to bring to the kitchen, he left the table without asking to be excused. Hoss’s mouth dropped open, waiting for Pa’s reprimand, but none came. Before Hoss could ask what was going on, someone knocked on the front door.

In a few long strides, Ben was at the door and opened it to find a tall young man with dark wavy hair and hazel eyes so familiar that Ben took a step back to catch his breath. He stared at this visitor dressed in fine traveling clothes, and felt he had a glimpse of what Adam would look like in a few short years. The resemblance was uncanny.

“Ben Cartwright?” The young man asked and before Ben could find his tongue, Marie was inviting him in.

“You must be James,” she said, guiding him into the great room.

“Yes, and I’m sorry, you’ve got me at a disadvantage. You are?” James was polished with an air of confidence about him that belied his age.

Ben finally came to life and held out his hand. “James! It’s been a long time!” Ben’s voice was unnaturally jovial. “Let me introduce you to my wife, Marie.” James took her hand and kissed it gallantly, sending a slight blush to her cheeks.

“And our sons, Erik and Joseph.”

“Who’s Erik?” piped Little Joe, looking behind James for another person while Hoss winced at the use of his given name.

Adam entered the room at that moment and slowly made his way over to his family. Ben placed his hand on Adam’s back and gently pushed him toward his cousin.

“And this is your cousin Adam. Adam, this is James Cavanaugh.”

Adam held out his hand politely, extremely conscious of the resemblance this new arrival had to the picture of his mother that stood on Adam’s night table.

James laughed loudly and pulled Adam into an embrace. Knowing Adam was not one for open displays of affection, especially from strangers, Ben spoke hurriedly, “So James, where are your bags?”

James released the boy, who still hadn’t spoken. “Bags? Oh yeah, they’re outside.”

“Adam, Hoss, please bring in James’s bags.” The two boys went outside to do their father’s bidding.

James stared at their retreating backs. “Amazing, isn’t it? Like looking in a mirror – I think Adam and I look more like brothers than cousins, don’t you?”

“The similarity is amazing,” Marie agreed weakly, stealing a glance at Ben for his reaction. He seemed a bit dazed at first, but once he recovered from his initial shock, he motioned for James to sit in the red chair, while Ben and Marie settled on the settee, with Joe on Marie’s lap. Returning from their chore, Hoss squeezed next to his stepmother and Adam perched awkwardly on the edge of the blue chair.

“Did you have a pleasant trip, James?” Marie inquired.

“Oh yes. I’ve never been this far west before. It certainly is lovely.”

Ben cleared his throat, knowing he had to say something, anything. “So then you’ve been west of New York before?”

“Only as far as Chicago.” James replied. “Of course, I’ve been to Europe several times…”

“Europe?” Adam squeaked incredulously.

“Sure, during school holiday.” James explained.

Hoss looked at the visitor who was very much an adult in his eyes and said, “Ya mean ya still go to school?” Ben, Marie and James were all amused by Hoss’s tone of disgust.

“I’m in college now – started last year. Been in school since I was six and loved every minute of it.”

Ben looked over to his oldest son, whose jaw had dropped in envious wonder, and his heart sank. Since he first learned his letters, Adam had had a book in his hand, trying to soak in as much information as he could. Virginia City opened its first school last year, and already Adam had astonished his teacher by his innate intelligence and thirst for knowledge. Ben could see the longing in his son’s eyes for the education his cousin had received, and instantly felt very lacking as a father.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Ben queried, “So James, how are your parents?”

The young man’s face became serious as he informed them, “My father passed on about five months ago of consumption.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” Marie exclaimed, making a Sign of the Cross as was the custom in her Catholic religion.

“Thank you.” He replied. His smile then returned. “But Mother is well. I wanted her to make the trip with me, but she…uh…she had other commitments.” His lie was obvious only to Ben. James reached into his jacket pocket and pulled something out. “Here. I brought this along so Adam could see what my mother looks like. She always says how much she and cousin Elizabeth looked alike.” He held out a square gold frame to Adam, who reached his arm out quickly to take it, then just as quickly pulled his empty hand back. He looked at his Pa, for permission or encouragement, neither Cartwright was sure which.

Ben nodded silently, and Adam took it then, holding it almost reverently in his hands. Little Joe and Hoss hopped from their seats to get a look too.

“Hey, it does look like that picture Adam’s got of his Ma!” Hoss commented.

“Lemme see. Lemme see.” Joe demanded, pulling Adam’s arm down to his level. His brother held it so the little boy could see, and once he was satisfied, Joe said, “Let’s go play, Hoss.” All this grown up talk was boring. Hoss led his baby brother outside, wondering why Adam was so quiet, so serious.

He couldn’t pull his eyes from the portrait. She was beautiful, with dark hair swept up, a few curls spilling down. High cheekbones accented her large eyes – he couldn’t tell what color they were – but he did notice that they seemed cold, unfeeling – unlike the sweet smiling eyes that looked over at him from his night table.

“Adam.” His father spoke his name gently. He heard him but for some reason couldn’t answer. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and didn’t have to look up to know whom it belonged to.

Ben had been watching his son’s reaction, and although to others Adam’s face remained a mask, Ben could see the deep effect the picture was having on the boy. He crossed over to stand behind him, a little afraid to look at the picture himself, but steeling himself for his son’s sake. As he touched Adam, he forced himself to gaze at the picture, looking at a likeness of his beloved Elizabeth, and a thousand emotions coursed through his veins. This was what Liz would have looked like had fate not so cruelly cut her life short. There were differences to be sure, ones very apparent to the man who had loved Elizabeth so completely, but they did not stem the fresh wave of longing Ben experienced. He was sure Adam was feeling something similar, and wordlessly put aside his feelings to help his son deal with his own.

“Adam,” Ben called his name again, stroking the nape of Adam’s neck with his thumb.

“Pa?” Adam turned to look at him and although he wasn’t crying, Ben could see his lashes glistening with tears. “Is this…is this what she would’ve looked like now?”

Marie wiped her eyes with her lace hanky as Ben merely nodded, and Adam returned his gaze to the picture. James stood then and went over to his cousin. “Mother said she wanted you to have that, so you wouldn’t forget what your mother looked like.”

Ben’s eyes grew dark and stormy and his voice was tight as he pronounced, “He will never forget what his mother looked like. I will see to that.” For a moment, Marie was afraid her husband was going to strike the young visitor, who paled considerably.

“Oh, forgive me. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I only meant to say Mother wanted Adam to have that so he would have an idea of what his own mother might have looked like, had she lived. That’s all. I never for a moment meant to insinuate…”

Struggling to control his temper, Ben barked, “Adam, give James that picture back. It was very generous of Jennifer, but…”

Adam pulled his head back, his face puckered in confusion. “No.” He wrapped both hands around the frame.

Ben could feel the blood rush to his face at his son’s disobedience. Adam swallowed hard but stood firm. “No, Pa.” He repeated. “Cousin Jennifer wanted me to have this picture and I want it.”

“Adam!” Ben hissed.

“Pa, ya just told me yesterday that I could make my own decisions – that ya were gonna treat me like a grown up…”

“Adam, this is not the time…” Ben began, throwing a meaningful glance toward James Cavanaugh, who made no effort to move from his spot. In fact, Ben had a perverse feeling that he was enjoying the whole thing.

“Yes, it is the time!” Adam unwisely persisted, and Ben forcefully grabbed his upper arm, swinging him around.

“Ben!” cried Marie, not wanting a scene. He just stared at her, seething, so she tried a different tactic. “James, let me take you upstairs and show you your room.”

“Oh, yes, of course,” he agreed. “Sure didn’t mean to cause any trouble between you two.” His expression innocent, he kept talking as Marie led him up the stairs. “Mother just thought Adam might like it, that’s all.” The two disappeared on the upper level.

“Just who do you think you’re talking to?” Ben gripped his son’s arm tighter. Adam tried to pull away, but was no match for his father.

“I wasn’t tryin’ to be disrespectful, Pa. But ya said one thing yesterday about me bein’ grown up and all and now…now you’re changin’ your mind!” Adam’s eyes were full as he pleaded. “Besides, Cousin Jennifer gave this to me, not you, and I wanna keep it.” Adam wanted to explain to his father that he could look at Jennifer and pretend his mother was alive, have something more tangible to hold on to, but instead, he silently placed his lower lip between his teeth and bit down hard. He wished he could say more, but the words just stuck in his throat.

Ben looked down at his son and his anger melted away. He wasn’t really mad at
Adam; he was mad at Jennifer for making him, and apparently Adam, feel things that should have been laid to rest a long time ago. An unexplained fear gnawed away at the pit of Ben’s stomach, and he felt helpless against this faceless enemy. Ben loosened his grasp and brought his hand to stroke Adam’s cheek to comfort him as he’d done so many times in the past.

“If it means that much to you, keep the picture then.” Ben’s voice was resigned.

Still staring at the portrait, Adam assured him, “Don’t worry, Pa. I know she ain’t my Ma.”

 

James tried to fit into the routine of the Cartwright family, getting down on all fours to play with Little Joe and listening patiently to Hoss explaining about his various pets. He gushed over Hop Sing’s cooking and even conversed in French to Marie. Most of his time, however, was spent with Adam. James never refused an opportunity to accompany Adam while he worked on the ranch. Soon, James was helping out with the simpler tasks. Adam proved himself a wonderful teacher while James fit the role of apt pupil perfectly. At night, the two often discussed literature and history, and James was amazed that Adam was so well read with only one year of formal schooling. After only one week, the two became inseparable, and the adoration in Adam’s eyes was apparent every time he looked at his older cousin.

Ben, however, remained reserved and quiet, almost to the point of being aloof, where James was concerned. Marie tried to talk to him about it several times and had barely received more than a grunt for an answer. One evening while the three oldest boys were off for a twilight swim, Marie decided to broach the subject once again. Ben sat on the porch, fingers curled around his unlit pipe.

“Joe asleep?” He asked his wife as she sat next to him.

“Finally.” She was exhausted herself – just putting her young son to bed was a draining experience, and she was glad to be off her feet. She took a deep breath and said, “I think James is really enjoying himself, don’t you?”

“Um hmm.”

Obviously he wasn’t going to make this easy, so she tried again. “And the boys have really taken to him, especially Adam.”

“Um hmm.” Ben took a long draw on the pipe, never realizing it wasn’t lit. Marie gave him a sideways glance.

“I think Sheriff Coffee and I are going to run away to Mexico and elope. Is that all right with you, dear?” She cocked her head, waiting.

“Um hmm.”

Marie’s temper flared then. She rose so abruptly she nearly knocked Ben off his seat. Clueless, he stared at her as if she’d lost her mind.

“When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be in the house!” She exclaimed, skirt swishing as she marched to the door. Ben sprang up and took hold of her elbow.

“I’m sorry. My mind was somewhere else,” He explained.

“In Boston?” She was still angry and a trifle jealous that he’d rather be thinking of his first wife, gone thirteen years, than spend time with her.

“No.” Ben shook his head. “Just down at the lake.”

Slightly ashamed of her thoughts, she asked flatly, “Why don’t you like James?”

He shrugged. “I don’t like him or dislike him – don’t know him well enough. I do know that I don’t trust him – or his mother.”

“Oh Ben,” she chastised. “People change. Maybe she sent James out here to make things right between you. After all, she’s just lost her husband, and perhaps that put things into perspective for her. You and Adam are her only relatives, am I right?”

“I suppose.” Ben closed his eyes, his forehead creased. “The argument we had the day I left Boston got very nasty. Jennifer tried to convince Abel – my father-in-law – that I’d never really loved Liz, that I was punishing our child by taking him away from his family and a good way of life. She said that if I really loved my wife, I’d stay and be surrounded by the people and things that reminded me of her.” Ben hesitated, afraid to divulge the next piece of information. Marie’s eyes were so full of understanding that he found the courage to continue. “I have never struck a woman. But when she stood there swearing I did not love Liz and Adam, I raised my hand to her.”

Marie gasped. “Did you…”

“No, I didn’t hit her, but I wanted to. I have nothing to say in my defense except that I wasn’t in my right mind after losing Liz. That’s no excuse, I know…” His voice trailed off for a moment. “Anyway, Martin threatened to take legal action against me, and I took Adam and Mrs. Callahan and left – left before they found a way to take my son from me.”

Marie slipped her arms around his waist. “Ben, you did what you had to do to keep Adam. You did the right thing.”

“I could have stayed and fought them, but with their money and influence, I’m not sure I would’ve won. And I just couldn’t take that chance. I couldn’t lose him too. He’s all I had.” Neither spoke for a few minutes, both finding comfort in each other’s arms. “But you can see why I don’t trust James. Something isn’t right, I can feel it.”

“Are you going to tell Adam?” She asked softly.

“Tell him what? I have no proof, just a gut feeling and an unpleasant history. No, I’ll just wait out James’s visit and be very happy when he boards that stagecoach to leave.”

“But do you think it’s wise to let Adam get so close to him?”

“We’ll just have to see that he doesn’t get hurt. He’s been through enough in his life already – he’s so happy right now getting to know his cousin that I haven’t the heart to take that from him.”

Voices in the distance ended their conversation, and Marie and Ben waited silently as the three boys approached. They could make out James’s voice, deep and resonant, and Hoss’s treble tone talking excitedly. When Adam spoke, his voice fluctuated, cracking every now and again, making his parents smile.

“Pa! Pa!” Adam broke away from the other two and ran to his father.

“Slow down there, son.” Adam came to halt directly in front of Ben, his hair dripping rivulets down his tan face.

“Pa! Do ya think me and James…”

“James and I,” Ben corrected.

“Oh yeah, sorry. I mean, do ya think James and I could go campin’ tomorrow, for a coupla nights? Maybe do a little huntin’?” Adam’s enthusiasm was apparent, and Ben had to swallow back the “no” that sprang automatically to his lips. Before he could speak, Hoss was at Ben’s side.

“Me too, Pa? I’ll be good and listen to everythin’ Adam and James tell me. Please, Pa.”

Ben hesitated, his heart telling him to say yes, his head screaming the opposite. Adam’s hazel eyes pleaded with his father, and Ben knew in that instant he would give in.

“We’ll only be gone for one night, sir. If you’d like to come with us, you know, keep Adam and me out of trouble, you’re certainly welcome to come along.” James offered, knowing that Ben could never say yes to that without having Adam think he didn’t trust him.

Ben was cornered and he didn’t like that feeling.

“No, I think I can trust you two for one night.” Ben attempted a smile, but it came out as a grimace.

“Aw, Pa, what ‘bout me? Can’t I go too?” Hoss begged.

Ben pulled his middle son between him and Marie, hating to disappoint him. “Not this time, Hoss. I think Adam and James should spend some time alone with each other before James goes back home.” He paused for a moment, hoping James would jump in with a specific date for his departure, but no one spoke. Hoss’s face crumpled and tears dribbled down his chubby cheeks, despite the loving hug from his stepmother. “How about if you and I go huntin’ in a couple of weeks, just you and me? What do ya say?” Ben brushed the child’s tears away with his thumb.

“Really Pa? Just me and you?” Hoss’s sunny smiled returned as he threw his arms around his father.

“Really, son, just you and me.”

 

 

“This looks like a good spot to set up camp, don’t ya think?” Adam pulled Sport’s reins as he stopped to survey the area. “James!” Adam called out.

“Oh, sorry, Adam, wasn’t paying attention.” The older boy looked around with marked apathy and shrugged. “You wanna stop for a while?”

Adam fought the urge to roll his eyes. Ever since they’d ridden a couple of miles from the house, James had turned quiet and disinterested. Anxious to show off his tracking and hunting skills, Adam pointed to a thicket of overgrowth. “There’ll be some good game hidin’ in there.”

James slid off his horse noisily and made his way over to a fallen tree. Placing one foot upon it, he reached into his pocket and drew something out. Adam watched with first puzzlement, then fascination, then horror as his worldly cousin struck a match to the seat of his pants and lit up a long, thin cheroot.

Adam jumped off his horse, not bothering to use the stirrups. “What do ya think you’re doin’?” He couldn’t keep the shock from his voice and James let out a hearty laugh. Adam scanned the ground for the discarded match, found it, and placed it in his pocket.

“Come on, Adam. Don’t tell me you don’t know what this is.” He held the cheroot between his thumb and index finger as if studying it carefully. James then offered it to the boy. “Wanna try?”

Not sure he’d heard correctly, Adam just stared at him. “’ ‘Course I know what it is. And I ain’t allowed to smoke.”

James’s laugh was louder this time and Adam could feel his face redden. “Well, your father isn’t here looking over your shoulder now, is he? Besides, everyone smokes. Even your Pa.”

Adam shook his head slowly, knowing what James was thinking.

“So here, go on, take it.”

“Nah…I’d better not.”

“Suit yourself.” James took another long drag. “You’re the one always going on about how you wanna be treated like a man, right? Tell me, Cousin, don’t you ever get tired of your Pa telling you what to do? I mean, he seems like a nice man, but…”

“He’s the best.” Adam defended his father.

“Yeah, yeah, I know that. You’re real lucky to have him for your father. But just between you and me, aren’t you a little sick of playing the dutiful son sometimes?”

Not wanting to disrespect his father, but honest to a fault, Adam murmured, “I guess.”

“Ahhh.” James smiled knowingly. “So here’s your chance. You’re not going to hurt anyone, and Cousin Ben never has to know.” He could see Adam was coming around to his way of thinking. “Unless of course you’re too much of a Daddy’s boy to try it.”

The hairs on the back of Adam’s neck prickled and he reached out to take the proffered item. Placing it gingerly between his lips, he held his breath, uncertain what to do.

“Now inhale, nice and slow.” James instructed.

Adam did so without swallowing. His nose wrinkled up and his eyes watered.

“Now swallow for God sakes!” James shouted.

Adam felt as though he swallowed fire, but forced himself not to cough. His throat burned all the way to his stomach, and for a moment, he was afraid he’d be sick.

“There, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” James clapped him on the back.

“Does…does it always taste like that?” All Adam wanted to do was run to his canteen and take a long drink from it, but he still smarted from James’s remark about him being a Daddy’s boy.

“Nah, it gets better. Go ahead, you finish that one. I got another one here for me” Adam tried to mask his disgust, but pride overcame his good sense and he took a few more puffs.

Feeling a little nauseous when he was done, Adam was carefully pouring some water on the burnt out stub of his cheroot when he spied James flicking the end of his into a pile of leaves, igniting them.

“Hey, look here!” James yelled. “I started my first campfire!”

Forgetting his queasiness, Adam ran to the spot and stamped out the small flames, pouring the remaining contents of his canteen over the spot.

“What are ya, crazy?” Adam hollered. “Do ya know how easy these trees can catch fire?” He couldn’t believe his smart cousin could do anything so foolish.

James had the good grace to look contrite. “Gee, I’m sorry, Adam. I guess I wasn’t thinking.”

Adam gave a nod, figuring his city-bred cousin hadn’t realized the disaster that could have occurred. They left the site without a word, neither one drawing their rifle once for the rest of the day, making for a very sparse supper.

Disappointed the day wasn’t going as planned, Adam sulked in silence as he shoveled some canned beans into his mouth. James looked just as sullen, until a slow smile crept across his handsome face.

“Hey Cuz, how far is town from here?”

“Not too far, why?”

“Because you and I are riding into town right now and having the best dinner Virginia City’s finest restaurant has to offer!” He declared and Adam grinned back at him.

“You mean Virginia City’s only restaurant.”

“You’re kidding, right? Cousin, you should see New York City. Why, there’s a fine restaurant on just about every corner, not to mention bakeries and fruit stands and just about anything else you can imagine!”

“Ya mean like San Francisco?” Adam, normally curious about everything, was especially inquisitive about James’s hometown.

“Oh no. It’s much bigger than that! More people, stores, hotels and whatnot. And theaters, loads and loads of theaters!” James continued to describe New York City to Adam on their journey to town, stretching the truth till it almost snapped.

 

 

“What can I get you two handsome men?” Vera asked, marveling at her two young customers. “Hey, ain’t you Ben Cartwright’s boy?” She looked from one to the other, not sure who she meant.

“Yes, ma’am. I’m Adam Cartwright and this is my cousin from New York, James Cavanaugh.” Both stood courteously.

“Handsome and polite!” Vera exclaimed. “Let me guess, you two want thick, juicy steaks, fried potatoes and nice cool beers to wash it all down.” She winked at them, and before Adam could protest, she turned on her heel to go to the kitchen.

Adam tugged on his ear, wondering if he should mention to James that he’d never even tasted beer. As if reading his mind, James turned to him. “Now don’t tell me you never had a beer before!”

Embarrassed, Adam replied softly, “Uh, no, not really. Pa says…”

“You’re too young.” James finished his sentence for him. “Well, I guess the waitress doesn’t think you’re too young or else she wouldn’t have offered it to you!”

He was right, Adam thought. James and Vera both thought it was okay for him to have a beer. And he was awfully thirsty. Besides, just one wouldn’t hurt him, right?

Vera banged the two frosty mugs on their table. James grabbed his and Adam did the same. “To cousins!” James toasted, and they clinked glasses before raising them to their lips. Adam sipped tentatively at first, afraid it would take like that vile cheroot. He found that once he got through the froth, it tasted tolerable. After a few more sips, it began to taste downright good. Nice way to wash that trail dust from your throat, he reasoned, and couldn’t for the life of him figure out why Pa was so against him having a beer.

The meals arrived just as Adam downed what was left in his glass, and James signaled for another round. As Adam opened his mouth to place a piece of meat in it, a long, loud belch escaped, seeming to reverberate indefinitely in the open dining room. Too late, Adam clamped his hand over his mouth, but not before a gale of laughter was heard from most of the male patrons. The women gasped, appalled at the boy’s horrid manners. James pounded him on the back.

“Those bubbles sneak up on you, don’t they?”

Adam’s face was blood red by now, as he hated calling attention to himself, and just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse, he spied Roy Coffee making his way over to the table.

“Oh no!” He moaned, head in hands.

“Evenin’ Adam. Guess Hop Sing got the night off?” Roy addressed Adam, but never took his gaze from James.

“Uh, no Sheriff.” Adam moved his lips as little as possible as he spoke, just in case there was another burp waiting to spring out.

Roy eyed them both suspiciously now and asked, “So Adam, this here yer cousin from back East?”

James stood, extending his hand. “Yes, I’m James Cavanaugh. Pleased to meet you, Sheriff. Cousin Ben speaks very highly of you.” Roy harrumphed. “Won’t you join us for dinner?”

Adam jerked his head up at James’s invitation, wondering what they’d do when Vera returned with two more beers.

“Well, that’s mighty generous of ya, but I gotta go check on my jail. Got a coupla very drunk customers there sleepin’ it off.”

Adam gulped, knowing Roy had added that last part just for him. James and Adam both let out a collective sigh as Roy left the room.

“What’s wrong with ya, invitin’ him to eat with us?” Adam’s words were slightly slurred. “He’ll tell Pa for sure!”

“You worry too much, little Cuz. He didn’t see you drink anything, so there’s nothing to tell. Trust me. I’ve been drinkin’ beer since I was younger than you.”

“Really?” Adam couldn’t believe his ears. “How come? I moan…I mean” he floundered with his words for a moment. “Didn’t your Pa get mad?”

“Never. He and Mother let me pretty much do as I pleased.”

“Honest?” Adam couldn’t comprehend that at all.

“Sure. That’s how it was; they let me make my own mistakes, my own decisions.” He let Adam digest that. “It’s a great way to live.”

“I bet,” Adam answered emphatically.

“Ya know, I was thinking. Wouldn’t it be great if you went back to New York with me when I left? I’d show you the sights; we’d go to plays, have a grand time. I know Mother would be thrilled to meet you.”

Adam’s face lit up with the thought of this adventure.

“Do ya really think I could?” Before James could answer, realization set in and Adam’s face fell. “Pa’d never let me go.”

“Why not? Because he thinks you’re just a kid?” James’s words stung, and although Adam secretly agreed with him, he wouldn’t admit it.

“I…I’d miss too much school.” He offered feebly.

“Don’t worry about that. We could enroll you in my old school. You’d be a bit behind at first, but with some tutoring, you’d be up to snuff in no time! Get you ready for college too.”

Adam’s muddled mind was spinning a bit, unable to fully digest his cousin’s suggestion. All he heard were the words ‘school’ and ‘college’ and immediately started planning his speech to convince Pa as he wolfed down his meal.

 

 

“That was a fine meal.” James remarked as he and Adam exited the restaurant. He kept his hand discreetly on his young cousin’s upper arm, as the thirteen-year-old was a bit unsteady after two beers. “What’s that over there?” James pointed to a white clapboard building around the corner. Lights shone brightly on the first floor, and silhouettes passed by the dimly lit windows on the floors above.

Adam grinned mischievously. “That’s Miss Maddie’s.”

James raised his eyebrows. “And who’s Miss Maddie?”

For some reason unknown to Adam, his tongue felt thick and fuzzy and his words sounded funny to his own ears. “I ain’t never been in there – Pa’d skin me alive, but I know she’s…uh…it’s kinda…a saloon, ‘cept…” He let out another loud burp and laughed at himself.

“Except?” James prodded patiently.

Lowering his voice, Adam put his mouth close to James’s ear. “They got pictures of ladies…and they (hiccup) don’t have clothes on!” He looked at James, thinking he’d be shocked, but he wasn’t – he just looked mildly interested. “And I hear they got ladies who (hiccup) work there and go upstairs and…and get paid for…uh…” Adam searched his addled brain for the right word. “For matin’!” He whispered loudly, proud of his knowledge.

James hooted. “Mating! Is that what you call it? Cousin, you have been living on a ranch too long! Now in New York, we call it…” James threw his arm around Adam’s shoulders and whispered some new information into his ear, and even in his intoxicated state, Adam blushed furiously. He did, however, listen intently, and before he knew it the two of them were seated on a red velvet settee in Miss Maddie’s main parlor.

The tinkling of the piano keys droned in Adam’s head as his eyes curiously scanned the many paintings adorning the walls. He’d never seen a naked lady, and the detail of the pictures left nothing to his imagination. There were men in some of the pictures as well, and between James’s earlier revelations and those vivid images on the wall, suddenly Adam knew exactly what was taking place upstairs. He thought that even if he covered his ears with his hands, it would still be impossible to ignore the voices and moans and giggles and creaks coming from above.

He glanced over at his cousin, who was conversing with a pretty blond with painted lips named Rita. Her skirt fell just below her knees and Adam blushed at the sight of her shapely calves.

“Well, well, well, ain’t you a handsome one!” Adam heard someone say, and was startled to see a young woman speaking to him. She had brown hair and deep brown eyes that Adam never noticed. He couldn’t pull his eyes away from the dip in the bodice of her dress. She threw back her head and laughed; then to the boy’s amazement, plopped herself in his lap, twisting about until she found just the right position, making Adam very uncomfortable in the process.

“Ya got a name, Sweetie?” Her face was so close to his that he could feel her hot breath, smell the faint odor of whiskey.

“A…Adam.” He knew he should stand – he had been taught to always stand when introduced to a female, but the way she rubbed up against him made him so weak he didn’t think his legs would hold him up anyway.

“Adam, that’s a purty name. I’m Lainey. Buy me a drink, Adam?” She asked, then kissed him full on the lips. Stunned, not knowing how to respond, he remained still as if paralyzed.

“A drink for my cousin and his new friend here! And one for me and this pretty lady.” James called to the bartender, who brought over four glasses filled with amber liquid.

Nervous and glad for something to do, Adam grabbed a glass and took a big mouthful of whatever James had ordered. Once he got it in his mouth, his face wrinkled in distaste and he frantically searched for somewhere to spit it out. Finding nothing, he forced himself to swallow, his expression of repugnance almost comical.

“Takin’ to robbin’ cradles now, Lainey?” commented Rita dryly, gesturing towards Adam.

“He sure is cute!” Lainey said as she reached for her glass. She moved her shapely bottom provocatively across Adam’s lap, making his breathing come shallow and quick. “How old are ya, honey?”

Before he could answer, James interjected, “He’s fifteen.” He turned to Adam. “Listen, Rita and I are going upstairs for a spell. Play your cards right and maybe I’ll see you and Lainey up there!”

Adam’s heart began to pound. He knew what James meant. His good sense told him to flee the room, that Lainey was one of those women his stepmother spoke of in disapproving tones. He shuddered as a picture of Pa crossed his mind, knowing what his reaction to this whole situation would be. Yet he couldn’t move, didn’t really want to move.

“Whatsa matter, Honey? Ya cold?” Lainey rubbed her hands up and down Adam’s arms to warm him up. He was getting warm all right; in fact, he was feeling downright hot. He wriggled in his seat. “I ain’t never had one young as you before, but why don’t we go on upstairs now?” She stood slowly, very slowly, and bent from the waist to kiss him, giving him a full view of her very abundant charms. Eyes round as saucers, he didn’t even pretend to look away – he found the view too irresistible. Her lips met his and this time he kissed her back, following her lead. “Hmmm. Ya sure are a quick learner for a fifteen-year-old.”

“Thirteen! He’s thirteen!” Thundered a deep voice from behind Lainey and the authority in it made her straighten up and swivel to see whom it belonged to. There before her stood a tall, handsome man, with more gray than black in his hair, who looked as though he could kill someone with his bare hands.

Adam was thinking the same thing, except he recognized the voice and predicted he’d be the one killed. Without looking up, Adam let out a small hiccup and grinned sheepishly. “Hey, Pa.”

Ben’s face was the color of a ripened tomato. His black brows formed one thick line across his forehead as he struggled not to turn the place upside down. He wasn’t sure who he wanted to throttle first – Adam, this woman, or James! Instead, he reached out a long arm and grabbed hold of Adam’s left ear, pulling him to his feet.

“OW!” Adam cried involuntarily.

Ben bit back his rage as he led his son out, ignoring the raucous laughs of Maddie’s other customers. Adam felt sure his ear would be pulled right from his head, and he stumbled behind his father, trying to keep up with his long legs. Once outside, Ben finally let go of the boy, who folded his arms over his stomach. Not far from Miss Maddie’s front porch, Ben watched in disgust as Adam doubled over and violently lost his dinner. When he was through, he sunk to his knees, unable to rise. He wished the earth would somehow open up and swallow him whole – that would have been more welcome than facing Pa’s wrath. Ben yanked him up by the back of his collar and half dragged him to the livery, depositing him in a pile of hay. Some of the hay was wet, and Adam briefly wondered what it was wet with, but didn’t think it would be wise to ask his father. Besides, he was so sleepy. He just needed to close his eyes. Maybe when he opened his eyes he’d find it had all been a dream..

“I’m going to find James. Don’t move.” Ben said harshly, knowing his son couldn’t move if he wanted to. And Adam realized then that his nightmare had just begun.

 

 

“Adam, wake up!” Ben nudged the sleeping boy with the toe of his boot. When he didn’t waken, he prodded him a little harder until he heard a soft groan of complaint.

“Go away, Joe. Go bother Hoss.” Adam mumbled, rolling over in his sticky bed of hay. He never even opened his eyes.

Ben leaned over and shook him then, shook him hard enough that Adam felt his teeth rattle. “Leave me alone. I don’t feel so good.”

Without a word, he hauled Adam to his feet and handed him his hat which he’d found in the alley next to Miss Maddie’s. Adam held his throbbing head between his hands as Ben led him to his horse. He was surprised to see the first signs of daylight breaking in the deep blue sky.

“Where…where’s James?” Adam asked quietly, wondering what his father had done to his cousin.

“He’s halfway to the Ponderosa by now. I told him you and I needed some time alone together.” Ben mounted his horse and rode ahead. Adam slowly climbed on his horse, dreading the inevitable. Ben didn’t stop until they came to a small stream a couple of miles from home. Adam pulled Sport to a halt just out of his father’s reach. Ben dismounted in one fluid motion while he son slid much less gracefully to the ground, eyes downcast. Ben took a few calculated steps toward Adam, and it took all the boy’s willpower not to turn tail and run. His father placed his hand tight on Adam’s jaw, pressing hard on his chin, his mouth, his teeth. With his free hand, Ben gestured to the body of water. “Go wash your clothes. And yourself. You smell like the backside of a horse. Your breath reeks of beer and vomit, which, by the way, you have all down the front of your shirt. I for one, do not want your mother or brothers seeing you this way.” He let him free and Adam almost fell from the abrupt release.

Ben found a large rock near the water’s edge and sat, never taking his eyes from his son as the boy peeled his clothes off. He waded into the water and submerged his clothes, scrubbing them as best he could with his hands. He took as long as he possibly could, stalling, then decided to dive in. The water cleared the cobwebs from his head a bit, and when he thought he’d pushed his father’s limits as far as he should, he dragged himself out of the water. Still stalling, he painstakingly laid his wet clothes over some bushes and stood, unsure of what to do next.

“Come here,” Ben instructed. Taking a deep breath, Ben studied his son, letting him squirm under his close scrutiny. Dripping wet, drawers clinging to Adam like a second skin, Ben could see the child he was, a skinny thirteen-year-old who, when influenced by his older cousin, made a very wrong choice. But no matter how Ben tried to rationalize, the bottom line was that Adam had disobeyed and needed to be punished.

“I…I’m sorry,” Adam apologized.

“I’m sure you are,” Ben replied dryly. “But that doesn’t excuse what you did. And I know it must have been difficult to say no when your cousin let you drink those beers Roy told me about…” Roy! Adam thought – that’s how Pa knew! “…and when he took you to Maddie’s. A real man makes his own decisions and isn’t influenced by what others say or do. A man does what’s right for him and his family. You keep telling me that I should trust you to make your own decisions, that you’re no longer a child. Your actions have proven to me that you are just that, a child, a disobedient boy who needs to be punished!” With those final words, Ben pulled the belt from his pant loops with a flourish.

“Pa…p…please…I won’t ever …do…do it again” Adam stammered, but Ben shook his head.

“No Adam, that won’t work this time.” Adam closed his eyes and leaned across his father’s lap, the sting of the blows made that much sharper on his wet skin. Ben let him up when he was done, and Adam turned away so his father wouldn’t see him crying like a baby. His shoulders came up and down as he scrubbed the tears from his eyes, humiliated.

“Adam, your tears are nothing to be ashamed of. Believe me, I…” Ben wanted to tell him how he hated doling out physical punishment, but that was his job, making his sons into good men. He wanted to tell Adam that should never hide his tears or any emotion from his father. Most of all, he wanted to tell him how much he loved him and always would, no matter what.

But Adam just shook his head and choked out, “I…I’ll g…get dressed.” He ran to where his clothes were drying and donned them as fast as he could, back still to his father. He pulled his boots on over bare feet and stuck a foot in the stirrup, raising himself to sit gingerly on his saddle. Ben sighed, knowing his son was too hurt right now to listen to his words, so the two rode the rest of the way home in stony silence.

 

When they arrived in the yard, Ben tied his horse and angrily went into the house to find James. Adam led his horse into the barn, and there was his cousin, waiting for him. He took one look at Adam and gave a low whistle.

“Your Pa’s pretty mad, huh?”

Adam narrowed his eyes at him.

James looked contrite as he neared the boy. “All right, I’m sorry you got into trouble, but don’t worry about it. Once we’re back in New York, you’ll be fine. Mother is very understanding, believe me. She’ll be so happy to see you that she’ll let us do whatever we want!” He winked at Adam, trying to cajole him into a better mood. “Even with all that studying you’re planning on doing, you’re going to need to take a break once in a while. And, believe me, the girls are much prettier in New York. Better to save your first time for one of them.”

Adam threw the brush he was using on Sport down hard. “I got a headache. Just leave me alone, willya?” And he stormed out of the barn just as his father stormed in. James paled when he saw Ben.

“Guess I’d better go get cleaned up.” James started to follow Adam toward the house, but Ben laid a restraining hand on the younger man’s arm.

“No. Not yet.” Ben Cartwright’s voice was low and deadly, and despite all his worldly ways, James gulped, afraid. “It’s time you and I had a little talk.”

Studying the tips of his boots, James realized that Cousin Ben was someone to be reckoned with. He thought about lying – that usually got him out of the scrapes he got into at home – but somehow, he had the sensation that this man could look right through him.

“About last night, I can explain,” James offered. Ben’s eyes were hard as he locked his gaze on the younger man’s face.

“Last night was inexcusable. You influenced a young boy who obviously admires you. You influenced him to make the wrong choices, and he was punished. You have that on your conscience now. Much as I’d like to, I will not punish you. But mark my words, if you ever hurt my son or…”

“No sir. I…I was totally wrong and take full responsibility. I used poor judgment and apologize. But you must believe me that I’d never intentionally hurt my own cousin!” James tried to sound convincing, but he wasn’t sure if Ben believed him or not.

“Ah yes, the bond of blood,” Ben mused, then asked the question that had been on his mind since James’s arrival. “I think you’d better explain why, after all these years, you decided to pay us a visit. Why this sudden interest in Adam?” Ben leaned on a stall door, waiting.

“I…uh…” James stammered, unsure of what to say.

“I want the truth,” Ben directed, trying to keep his temper in check.

Heaving a heavy sigh, James looked Ben in the eye and stated simply, “My mother wants him.”

Ben’s heart quickened as his old fear resurfaced. “Why? She has you.” He managed to keep his voice calm, belying the knot in his stomach.

Anger flashed in the young man’s hazel eyes. “After what happened in Boston just after Cousin Elizabeth died, I wasn’t enough anymore. Neither was my father. She became obsessed with hurting you. She wanted revenge, pure and simple. She hated you, still does. No one ever spoke to her or raised a hand to strike her the way you did.”

“And no one has ever spoken to me the way she did either. But that was thirteen years ago. I wrote to her years later and apologized.” Ben tried to make sense of James’s story.

“Because as much as my father didn’t like you or agree with your leaving Boston, he was a reasonable man. Once we got back to New York, he figured you, and especially baby Adam, would never live to see California. He managed to convince Mother of that, and she believed it, until the day we got your letter. I can still see Mother’s face when she read it – she got that look again and started plotting how she could get even with you. My father, however, had long since let go of his anger toward you. Told her to leave well enough alone. But not Mother, oh no. She made his life a living hell.”

“And then he died,” Ben said quietly, realization dawning.

“Yes, and then he died. So now no one is standing in her way. She wants me to bring Adam back with me.” He hesitated before adding, “I’ve asked him to come for a visit. Told him he could go to school in New York. He’d be well taken care of and get all the things he missed growing up. No matter what you think of her, my mother can give him the things he wants, you know.”

“Ah, yes,” Ben pondered. “The things he wants. What about the things he needs, like his father? His family? His home?”

James lifted his shoulders in response. “Maybe once he lived a different sort of life, one not so remote and uncivilized, he might learn that he doesn’t need those things you mentioned. Maybe his needs are different from your needs.”

Ben nodded his head slowly. His heart was heavy as he realized that perhaps James spoke the truth – perhaps Adam needed something else, a different kind of life, and Ben would never want to hold him back, no matter how much it pained him.

“And he would stay with you and your mother?” Ben whispered, barely able to get the words out. His heart was a stone, heavy and burdensome in his chest.

Taken aback at Ben’s acquiescence, James tried to keep the surprise from his voice. “Yes, of course. Mother was Elizabeth’s cousin, after all.”

“And she’d treat him well?”

“It’s you she hates, not Adam.”

“Just what would stop her from taking her…her hatred of me out on my son? What assurances can you give me?” Ben’s voice was flat and dispirited now. It was the voice of defeat.

James smiled then, knowing he’d won. He held out his hand. “You have my word. And if Adam wants to come home, of course we’d send him right back to you.”

“Ben! You can’t be serious!” Marie’s voice was shrill and unbelieving as she made her way to her husband. She’d only caught the last part of their conversation, but that was enough. “I won’t allow it. Adam is our son. He belongs here with us, with his brothers. You can’t possibly believe that this is the right thing to do!” Tears streamed down her face, tears of anger mixed with fear; her hands clutched the sides of her dress as if to gather strength.

“Marie, Adam is thirteen now, and as everyone is so fond of reminding me, old enough to make his own decisions. I made the decision for him to leave Boston and his mother’s family a long time ago, and for the most part, I believed that to be the right decision. Now it’s time for Adam to decide what is best for Adam – not me, not you, not even his brothers – Adam. We owe that to him, don’t you think?”

“No! No I don’t!” With that, she stormed into the house, sobbing.

Ben stared into space, his thoughts a jumble of memories of his oldest son – the dark haired squalling baby, the timid toddler, the serious little boy, and now the self-sufficient teen. What would he grow to be like? Ben told himself he had to face reality and realize he might not be around to help shape Adam into the young man he was destined to become. And that notion left Ben cold with despair. The niggling doubts surrounding his decision made so long ago fashioned him as easy prey for Jennifer’s plan. What if she was right? What if a life in a big city was the right fit for his bookish son? What if he was forcing his dream onto his sons? Ben firmly believed that every person had a right to shape his or her own destiny, and therefore felt compelled to put the choice to his son. And when he broached the options to Adam, would his anger over his father’s actions this afternoon tip the scales toward James? Toward Jennifer?

“Pa?” Startled, Ben turned to see Adam standing next to him, his face pinched with anxiety. “Why’s Marie cryin’? Is it…is it ‘cause of me?”

Ben pulled Adam close, locking his arms around him, surprised that Adam didn’t pull away. Instead, he laid his head against his father’s strong chest, hearing the comforting thumping of his heart. “No. It’s nothing for you to worry about, son. She’s just a little upset. She’ll be fine.”

“Pa, are ya still mad at me?” His voice was tremulous as Adam pulled his head back a little and gazed up at his father for reassurance.

“Of course not, son. That’s all over now.” Ben quickly assured him.

Not fully satisfied, Adam once again rested against his father. Something was wrong, he felt sure. He’d been just about to lie down when he heard Marie rush past his room crying. Entering the barn, he found his father with a faraway look in his eyes, and an expression so sad that it tore the boy up inside. He hadn’t seen that look on his father’s face since Hoss’s mother, Inger, had died. Adam was scared and wasn’t ready to leave the solace and forgiveness of his father’s arms.

Embarrassed, James coughed. Apparently they had all forgotten he was standing there. Ben stooped slightly and rubbed his weathered cheek against Adam’s soft wavy hair, wishing time could stand still. But it couldn’t.

“Adam?” Ben spoke softly, pushing the boy a little away from him so he could look into his face. Placing two fingers under his Adam’s chin, he forced him to make eye contact.

“Yeah, Pa?” Adam answered, the worry evident in his tone.

Ben took a deep breath, trying to sound happy. “I’ve got wonderful news! Cousin James has invited you to visit him in New York City! What do you think about that?”

Adam shrugged and James was taken aback. He was so sure Adam would jump at the offer. Ben, too, was surprised, and decided to lay all his cards on the table, letting his son know each and every opportunity he would have back East.

“Why, Adam, you’d be able to attend a fine school and live in a big city, go to plays and lectures, explore the New York Harbor. I know you’d love to do all those things!” Ben forced out a laugh. He had to make Adam see all the wonderful things that awaited him if he returned with James. He had to make him realize the life he’d be giving up or else he’d resent his father for the rest of his life. As much as he didn’t want his son to leave, as much as he wanted to remain the guiding force in Adam’s life, Ben knew he had to add one more enticement. “And you’d get to meet your mother’s cousin. I know she’d take good care of you.”

“But what about you? Would you come with me?” Adam asked, sounding and looking much younger than he was.

Ben smiled slightly. “No, no. You’re old enough to go with James. That would be quite an adventure for a young man.” He tried to sound as if he thought it was a wonderful idea. He forced himself to step back from his son, as if by putting that small distance between them it would offer Adam some measure of independence.

Thrusting his hands in his pockets, Adam chewed his lip. “Do…do I hafta go?”

Ben’s heart leapt for joy, although he dared not show it. First he had to make sure Adam would not stay merely out of a sense of duty. He’d always been such a serious, dutiful child that Ben wasn’t sure if he was just saying what he knew his father wanted him to say.

“Of course you don’t have to. But I do want you to consider the offer carefully. I want you to think of all the wonderful things you’d get to see and do, things you wouldn’t have the opportunity to experience here.”

“Adam,” interjected a worried James. “Mother will be so disappointed if you don’t come! She has so many stories about Cousin Elizabeth that I know she wants to share with you.”

Ben clenched his hands in rage at the unfair tactic James used – how could the boy refuse learning things about the mother he never knew? But the ever logical Adam simply asked, “Well, couldn’t she write to me and tell me those stories?”

“I…I guess so,” James faltered. This time Ben didn’t hide the broad smile covering his face. How typical of his oldest son to trap someone with his logical reasoning, even his sophisticated older cousin.

“Pa, ya said I could make my own decisions, right?”

Ben nodded, wishing he’d never uttered those words. “Yes, I did.”

“Or does that all change ‘cause…’cause I disobeyed ya?”

Ben weighed his next words carefully. “Adam, I feel there are certain things best decided by your mother and me. However, in this case, I am willing to go along with what you choose.”

His brow furrowed, Adam continued, “Well, then I decide I wanna stay here.”

“But…but…” James stammered.

“I mean, maybe one day I could visit New York and meet Cousin Jennifer, right? Maybe the whole family could go,” he suggested innocently, and both Ben and James groaned inwardly at that prospect. “But not now, not yet.”

Placing both hands on the boy’s shoulders, Ben asked, “You’re sure?”

Adam’s face took on that mulish look Ben was so familiar with, the look that usually riled his father to no end. Today, though, Ben was never happier to see that stubborn expression. “Yes, I’m sure.” His voice brooked no argument and James threw up his hands in surrender.

“Guess I’ll go pack. I’ll be leaving tomorrow.”

 

 

After seeing James off the next day, the Cartwright family took advantage of the beautiful summer weather and stopped for a picnic. After eating, Hoss and Little Joe chased each other noisily, their screams of delight bringing pleasure to their parents. Quieter than usual, Adam sat off a bit, under a tree. He held a book, but Ben noticed he hadn’t turned a page since he opened it.

“Pa!” Hoss ran up to him breathlessly, his younger brother close on his heels. “Can we go swimmin’?” Without waiting for an answer, Hoss yelled over, “Adam! Wanna come swimmin’?” Adam shook his head no.

“Yeah Papa, we wanna go in the wadda!” Joe shouted, clapping his hands.

Marie stood. “Why don’t I take them down to the shallow end? Maybe you can convince Adam to come.” Before her sentence was finished, the two boys took off running.

Ben moved to sit by Adam. “You’re awfully quiet today.”

Adam shrugged without looking up. Although he didn’t always understand them, Ben was used to his son’s moods and knew something was on his mind. He also knew that questions just made Adam clam up; better to wait till he was ready to talk.

After a few minutes, Adam asked, “Pa, do ya ever not like bein’ a grown up?”

Ben studied his hands, trying to hide his amusement. “Sure. Listen to your brothers playing in the lake. What’s their biggest worries?”

Adam grinned. ” I guess Hoss is always worried about gettin’ enough to eat.” Ben laughed. “And Joe, well, I don’t think he worries ‘bout nuthin’.”

“That’s right, and that’s how it should be. It’s my responsibility to worry about providing for my family, deciding what’s best for them and me. And that’s not always easy.”

“Whew, that’s for sure,” Adam said with feeling, and Ben raised a black brow.

“Something you want to share, son?” Ben inquired, causing Adam to pale.

“Uh…not really.” Adam gulped, afraid to look up. The guilt he carried from his excursion with James still weighed heavily even after his father’s reassurances of forgiveness.

Ben cleared his throat. “Making decisions is easy. Making the right decisions, now that’s hard. Especially at your age.” Ben shifted closer to his son and slid his arm around his shoulders. He prayed Adam didn’t already regret his decision not to accompany James.

“Bet you never made a stupid decision in your whole life!” Adam mumbled, but Ben caught the misery in his tone.

“I probably shouldn’t admit to this, but I made plenty,” Ben declared honestly. “Especially when I was your age. But the important thing is to learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them. It’s all a part of growing up. Do you understand that, Adam?”

“I guess so.”

“And you’ll always have your mother and me around to help you.”

The boy nodded, knowing it was true.

“Adam, you’re in such an all fired hurry to grow up. You don’t realize you’re been acting grown up for years now – taking care of your brothers, working with me to build this ranch, educating yourself with no school! For the most part, your choices have been wise ones.”

Adam smiled then, knowing his father always told him the truth.

Dreading the answer, Ben had to ask, “Are you sorry you didn’t go to New York City and meet your Cousin Jennifer?”

Adam detected the apprehension in his father’s words and quickly assured him, “No. I mean, I’d like for her to tell me about my mother and all, but…but I didn’t want to live with her. Somethin’ about her in that picture – I mean she was pretty and all – like…like…”

“Like your mother,” Ben finished for him.

“Yeah, but Cousin Jennifer had mean eyes.” Ben was awed by his son’s insight, and even more so by his next statement. “I gave the picture back to James. I didn’t want it no more.”

“Another decision,” Ben commented, proud of his son’s maturity.

“Besides, I don’t wanna leave Hoss or Joe. Marie neither.” He looked his father full in the face, the worship written plain in his eyes, and stated, “But most of all, I don’t wanna leave you.” With uncharacteristic abandon, Adam threw his arms around his father and buried his head in his shirt. Momentarily stunned, Ben quickly returned the embrace, thanking God in heaven that Adam had decided to remain.

“I love you, boy,” Ben said gruffly, blinking back his tears. “And I’m proud of the fine young man you’ve grown to be.”

“Love ya too, Pa.” Adam didn’t say the words often, making them that much more special to Ben. “But Pa?”

Ben loosened his hold a bit. “Yes, son?”

“Can’t I be…can’t I just be a kid for a while longer? It sure is a lot easier!” He was so earnest that Ben couldn’t hold back his gale of laughter.

“Sounds like a good idea. What do you say we join those noisy brothers of yours for a swim?” Ben suggested, already unbuttoning his shirt.

“Yeah!” Adam jumped up and began running toward the water, pulling off his boots as he ran. “Race ya!” He called after he had a healthy head start.

Ben took off after him, passing the discarded boots, socks and shirt. By the time he got to the edge of the water, all three boys were yelling, busy splashing each other.

“C’mon, Pa!” All three chorused. “Hurry up!”

“Ben!” Marie laughed, pretending to be stern as her husband pulled off his boots, brandishing them in the air. “You’re worse than the children!”

He smiled devilishly at her, then jumped into the water, sending droplets of water all over the front of her dress. Ben dipped under the surface, slithering like a snake after the boys. Joe squealed and cried, “Adam! Pick me up! Pick me up!”

Adam held his arms out and Joe stopped and pointed to his big brother. “Ewww, what’s that?”

“What’s what?” Adam frowned, looking down at himself. Ben and Hoss looked too, trying to determine what had caught the little boy’s eye.

“That!” All eyes followed the path of Joe’s outstretched arm directly to Adam’s armpit. Ben noticed a few scraggly black hairs poking out and saw the man his firstborn was fast becoming. Adam raised his arm over his head, realized what Joe was pointing at, and blushed, dropping his arm in a hurry. He glanced at the shore to check if Marie had seen. She had, of course, but compassionately pretended to be looking at some nearby wildflowers, swallowing her chuckle.

Hoss, however, was not so thoughtful. “Aw Joe, that’s just hair, like Pa has. Adam just ain’t got that much.” The nine-year-old guffawed, glad he was not the focus of attention.

Ben tried not to laugh at the embarrassed expression on Adam’s face, but he couldn’t help it. Amused, he looked at his oldest son and smiled, “Guess it’s just another part of growing up, son.” He waded over to the red-faced boy and whispered, “And after dinner, you and I’ll talk some more about becoming a man, okay?”

Adam groaned. Everyone else seemed to be enjoying this growing up business except him.

“And,” Ben added with a twinkle in his eye, “you can tell me what you know about smoking, drinking beer, and Miss Maddie’s.”

Adam sunk low into the water and dove under, trying to decide if drowning would be less painful than that promised talk with Pa.

The End