Synopsis: After a nightmarish experience, Adam and Joe find themselves riddled with guilt as they fight to keep their heavy burden a secret from their father and Hoss.
Rating:  PG-13
Words:  27,500

---

The Brandsters acknowledge that the authors are the owners of their stories.  Should an author included in the project reach out to us and indicate they do not wish their work to be archived in the Bonanza Brand Fanfiction Library, we will remove their stories.  We would also be happy to change the e:mail address for any authors who wish to continue to have their stories archived in the Library.

---

 

Silent Burden

I

“Adam?” a voice called him. It seemed nearby, yet sounded distant and soft as a whisper. “Adam?!?”

It was Joe. Joe was calling for him. Joe was his brother. But that was all he remembered. Adam couldn’t see, couldn’t speak, couldn’t tell where he was. And he hurt. He hurt badly. Soon, the exhaustion and pain overwhelmed him and he returned to the peace of unconsciousness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joe coughed. The smoke was beginning to fill the small cabin. Those men – if he could call them that – left soon after setting the fire. They’d set it, laughing at Joe, chuckling at his helplessness, snickering at his pleading. One of them spit on him as they left him to die in the blaze. And now, with his hands bound firmly to the post behind him and Adam knocked senseless, this shack was not only the Cartwright brothers’ hell on earth, it would soon become their tomb.

“Adam!!!” Joe screamed this time, scratching his throat. His nose stung and his eyes watered. The flames now crept along the wall towards his older brother. Joe kicked ferociously into the air, panicked at the thought of watching Adam burn to death in front of him. He dug his heels into the dirt at his feet and drove his back into the beam that held him in hopes he could somehow knock it over and free himself. “Come ON, Adam!” he screeched. “GET UP!!!!”

Adam wouldn’t move. Joe paused, catching his breath, his heart pounding in his chest. It hurt to breathe. He knew it wouldn’t be long before the smoke overwhelmed him. What could he do? There was nothing to cut the ropes and no one there to untie him. He was going to die. So was Adam.

Joe closed his eyes and gave up. There was no use in fighting anymore. The ropes were too strong and too tight. The post was too sturdy. And Joe was too shocked to deal with what he just lived through, anyway. It was easier to simply give in. Heaven would be a better place. Pa would understand. Wouldn’t he? He pictured his father, saw his worried face searching, suffering over the disappearance of his oldest and youngest sons. And when he found them and their bodies were brought forth from the charred mess, Pa would fold in agony. He’d lose two sons, Joe thought – two coffins to buy, two graves to dig, two headstones to lay. That couldn’t happen. Not to Pa.

With a surge of strength, Joe gave a final pull on the cords that bound him. His right hand cracked and broke, bending his thumb into his palm. Joe cried out in pain as his mangled hand fell free. The ropes loosened and he stood, but fell quickly to his knees. Black smoke blanketed the upper half of the cabin. Thankfully, Adam still lay on the floor.

Joe crawled, cradling his broken hand. He fell over his brother and in a fervor, searched for a spot on his neck for a pulse. When he found one, he slapped him with his good hand. “Get up, Adam!!!” he yelled into his face. “Get up, NOW!!!”

Adam didn’t stir.

With no further effort to rouse him, Joe grabbed Adam’s feet with his arms and dragged him towards the door. He stumbled with the smoke, with Adam’s weight and with the pain in his hand, but he pushed on. Just as the first touch of the cold night air hit his face, the cabin succumbed to the fire and fell. He picked up his pace and dropped Adam’s legs only once they were out of the fire’s reach. He looked back into the flames and saw the post that held him captive for so many hours.

It was still standing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Pa?” Adam said as he woke, shivering. “Pa, are you there?”

“Adam,” Joe scrambled over to him. “Adam, it’s me.”

“Joe?” he asked, desperately trying to focus on his brother in the moonlight.

“I’m here, Adam,” Joe said, helping him to a sit. He rubbed Adam’s arms to warm him. “Are you hurt bad?”

Adam reeled with nausea, but he managed to sit up by himself. A monstrous pile of embers burned yards away. “What happened, Joe?”

“You don’t remember?”

“No.”

Joe didn’t answer. He settled himself next to Adam and stared back at the dying fire, his eyes filled with hatred. “I’ll kill them for what they did, Adam,” he said, quietly. “I’ll kill every last one of them.”

Adam thought for a moment, trying to recall the reason for such a fatal promise. Even Joe wouldn’t threaten death for a mere beating. Then suddenly, quick flashes appeared in Adam’s mind…the whiskey, the laughing, the beating….

“My God.” Adam said, then thrust himself over so not to vomit on himself or his brother. He wretched violently. Each heave riddled his chest with pain. Each glimpse of memory scathed his mind with despair.

Adam sat back up and spit, then wiped his mouth with his arm. Dried blood caked his hands, but he didn’t know whose blood it was. He turned to his brother, who stared deeply into the orange and black pit. “Joe,” Adam said. “Were we the only ones in the cabin when they set it?”

Joe nodded. “She got away from them, Adam.”

Adam clutched his side and leaned over once again, but this time, the sickness did not come. He stared at the dark ground, still unsure about the events of the evening, even more unsure about himself. No questions would come from Adam, however. No questions would ever come. He turned to sit in stony silence with Joe.

“They’re gonna wish they never lay eyes on me, Adam.” Joe said. He bit his lip to quell his frustration. “They’re gonna wish they were dead by the time I’m through…”

“Stop it, Joe.”

“I’m not just gonna kill ‘em, Adam. I’m gonna…”

“I said STOP it!!!” Adam yelled and grabbed Joe’s arm.

“WHY?!?!” Joe jumped up in front of him. “Why should I? After what they did to us? What they did to…”

Adam stood and snatched Joe’s collar. “You listen to me, Joe. This ends here, do you understand me?”

“What do you mean, it ends here? It does NOT end here! I’m gonna make them…”

“You’re doing nothing! You’re saying nothing! That’s it!” Adam yelled. “What happened to us will not be brought up again, do you understand?”

Joe’s eyes searched his brother’s. “We can’t just forget, Adam.”

“We can.” Adam said. “And we will.”

“But what about…”

“Joe!” Adam yelled. “STOP!”

He let go of Joe and closed his own eyes tight, vowing to himself no one would ever know what happened to them. No one would ever know his pain or his guilt. No one would ever have to suffer through the memory. No one.

“Now come on.” Adam said. “We’ve got to find a house before we freeze to death.”

As he walked, every step brought agony and every movement brought pain. Adam’s legs weren’t broken, but they throbbed unmercifully and he could see from only one eye. Blood still trickled from the wounds on his face and he could feel it seep into what was left of his shredded shirt. The cold of the night only added to his discomfort and exhaustion. Adam wanted to sit down and give up. Had Joe not been with him, he would have.

Luckily, they happened upon another shack within a mile. Any farther and Adam would’ve sent Joe on without him. It’s owner and sole inhabitant was eager to help the unfortunate young men. Ike Petree was a scraggly old man, poorer than the dirt of his floor, but kind-hearted and friendly. He took the Cartwright brothers into his tiny home without a second thought.

“Son,” the old man ran his hand down Adam’s bare back as Adam washed himself carefully. “You’ve got some mighty awful bruises. Looks like you might be hurt real bad. You see the doctor first thing into town.”

Adam offered him a weak smile. “I will.”

He noticed Joe’s hand under the lamplight on the table. It was purple and swollen. A pang of sorrow and regret stabbed at Adam’s heart. He hadn’t even asked Joe how he was.

“Your hand.” Adam said. It was the first thing he’d said to Joe since they’d left the ashes of the cabin.

Joe nodded. “I broke it getting out of the ropes.”

“Ow!” the old man said. “My Lord, boys! Who did this to you two?”

“A group of animals, not fit to be called men.” Joe said. “They left Adam unconscious and me tied to a post, then set the cabin on fire.”

“Well, what the devil did they do that for?”

“They’re sick and evil. Poor excuses for men. Poor excuses for human beings.” Joe said.

“I’d a guessed.” Ike sighed. “Too many men like that round these parts lately. Eastern men, probably. Or maybe from Californey.”

Joe smiled with tired eyes. “Don’t know.” he said. “Wherever they’re from, they’re gonna wish they….”

Joe stopped as he caught Adam’s glare. Ike followed Joe’s gaze back to Adam. “What the heck is wrong with you, boy? Why’re you lookin’ at your brother like that?”

“I just don’t think he needs to talk about it, that’s all.” Adam said.

“Well, why shouldn’t he? You’ve been robbed, beaten, nearly kilt! I’d expect him to talk about it! I’d expect him to be rippin’ mad, too!”

“We shouldn’t bother you with our troubles.” Adam said, smiling in frustration.

“You ain’t botherin’ me. If I was bothered, I wouldn’t a let you in here.” Ike scowled.

Adam frowned one more warning at Joe before sinking his hands and face back into the basin of water.

“Young man!” Ike pointed his finger at Adam. “You ought to be thankful to yer brother, by God! He saved your life tonight.”

“Yeah.” Adam said. “I ought to be.”

Adam blotted his sore face with the scratchy towel Ike had laid out for him. It didn’t feel good to be so harsh with Joe. Joe was his brother and Adam loved him. Plus, the old man was right, Joe had saved his life. But harshness was the only way to get the subject dropped. Besides, Adam wasn’t sure if he was thankful that Joe had dragged him from the fire or not.

Adam sat in the wooden rocker near the woodstove and away from the chatter of the table. Ike had given him a shirt, so the chill was leaving his body even if the pain wasn’t. He had hoped he could borrow a horse, but Ike had none. He and Joe would have to walk home – or at least until they reached the next ranch. Adam knew a few of the families on the west side, but the thought of asking them for help didn’t make him feel better. He wasn’t in the mood to explain his condition to anyone. Virginia City was only a couple miles north, but the gawking he’d receive in town would be far worse than from any of the ranchers. It would be just as easy to cut into the Ponderosa and hopefully, meet up with one of the hands. Either way, Adam wasn’t looking forward to the trip.

Half a dozen whiskey bottles lined Ike’s mantle. Adam stared at them, each at various stages of fullness. Only one stood full and amber. Adam was repelled by the sight of it, disgusted by the memory of the taste. It’s what those men drank. It’s what they forced down his throat. He’d swallowed at least a half a bottle of alcohol that evening as a result. As humiliating as it was, however, those swallows had saved his sanity and given him the ability to hide from the horror of the evening. Adam found himself longing for a drink. Maybe that would clear his head.

Joe fell asleep at the table and Ike walked to Adam. “You want some of that, son?” he said. “You been starin’ at them bottles like they’s women.”

Adam shrugged and looked shamefully to the floor.

Ike walked in front of him, belching as he passed. Adam winced and Ike laughed at his disgust. “You’re much too proper, boy.” he said and held the full bottle out for Adam to take. “Ease up a little bit.”

“You don’t have much left.” Adam said. “I wouldn’t want to take your last bottle.”

“I got plenty more. You take this for your walk home.” Ike told him. “Somethin’ tells me you ain’t gonna be fit to be around without it.”

Adam took the bottle, even though slightly angered by the old man’s comments. He nodded graciously. “I appreciate all you’ve done for us.” Adam said. “And I promise, I’ll repay you for everything.”

“I’ll tell you how you can repay me, young man.” Ike said. “You be decent to that brother of yours over there. He thinks more of you than you realize and you ain’t said two words to him since you got here ‘cept to lambaste him for talkin’.”

Adam nodded solemnly. ” I know.”

Ike slapped Adam’s knee good-naturedly. ” I ain’t blamin’ you, boy. I’m sure you got your reasons. But if you start feelin’ uppity, you take a sip. You’ll feel better. And it’ll help those wounds heal, too. ”

Adam opened the bottle. The smell made him reel. He didn’t want it anymore.

“Go on, take a few.” Ike said, nudging the bottle towards Adam’s mouth. “I promise, you’ll sleep sound as a bear.”

Adam eyed the bottle and noticed his hand was shaking. He was hit with the sudden urge to yell, to punch, to cry. He wanted to kill those men. He wanted to tear them apart and watch them die. Try as he might, he felt no different than Joe. He wished

he was home. There, maybe he’d forget the images racing through him. He was ashamed at himself for it, but he wanted his father. He wanted his room and his bed and his books and his pa, but all he had now was the bottle. He brought the whiskey to his lips and swallowed. When he opened his eyes, Ike was smiling down at him.

“Feel a little better, doncha boy?”

Adam nodded, then took another swig. It ran down his throat, warming the cold hatred in his heart and dousing the pain and agony he was sinking in. “Course you do,” Ike said and pat his head. “Here’s a blanket. I’ve got some hay over in the corner for you to sleep in. Help me bring yer brother over. He’ll get a crick in his neck if we leave him where he is.”

After a few more swallows, then tucking Joe into the hay, Adam lay himself beside his younger brother. His head swayed slightly, but he did feel better. His chest didn’t hurt quite as badly, nor did the chunk of flesh that had been kicked off his cheek. In fact, Adam didn’t want his father anymore. Ike was right. Maybe it was just what he needed.

 

II

Morning brought little warmth to the October air. A fine mist fell on the young Cartwrights as they said their good-byes to Ike and made their way towards home. Fortunately for them, Ike saved everything. In his shed were bundles of old clothes. He found two jackets for the boys and helped them put them on. They smelled musty and dirty and were laden with moth holes, but Adam and Joe were thankful they’d at least be warm for their journey.

The two men walked silently. Their prints – at least 6 feet apart from each other – made muddy holes in the trail. Joe watched his brother ahead of him. Adam limped and stared at the ground, taking intermittent sips off Ike’s whiskey bottle. Joe knew he hurt. Adam’s face alone made Joe cringe in repulsion. His right eye was blackened and shut tight, his lips were swollen and purple. Numerous scarlet bruises covered his jaw and cheeks and the gouge near his chin still bled. Anger raced through Joe’s blood as he silently vowed revenge against the men who hurt his brother. He didn’t care what Adam said, Joe was going to kill them.

As mad as he was at the rest of the world, Joe wanted to be near Adam. He needed his reassurance and he needed his strength. Most of all, Joe needed to know that Adam was going to be all right. He quickened his pace to walk beside him, careful not to look at his face – not because of the horror of its condition, but because of the fear of angering him.

“You think Pa’s sent someone to look for us?” Joe asked.

“No,” Adam said. “We’re only a day behind schedule.”

Joe nodded. “You all right, Adam?”

Adam looked over and stopped walking. “Look, Joe,” he said. “I meant what I said about not bringing it up.”

“I didn’t bring it up,” Joe said. “I asked if you were all right.”

“I know what you’re trying to do.” Adam said.

“So, what are you going to do? Never talk about it again?”

“Joe,” Adam said. “You’re pushing it.”

Joe closed his mouth, both frustrated and angry. Adam walked away from him and took another swig from his bottle. That angered Joe even more.

“So what are you gonna tell Pa, Adam??” Joe called. “That you fell off your horse?!?!”

Adam marched back. “We’re going to tell Pa we were robbed and that’s it. End of story!”

“That’s not the end of the story!”

“Joe, it’s none of his business what happened back there. Don’t you burden him with that. Don’t you dare!”

“You say whatever you want to Pa and so will I.” Joe said.

Adam grabbed him and pulled him so close, Joe could feel his warm breath and smell the alcohol that escaped with it. “What do you think it will it do to him if he finds out, Joe?”

Joe stared at Adam’s broken face. “What will it do to you if you just keep it inside for the rest of your life?”

“Talking isn’t going to help.”

“But drinking will?”

Adam loosened his grip and turned away from Joe, his head down.

“You’re drinking that whiskey like it’s a canteen, Adam.” Joe said.

“I just need it until we get home, Joe.” Adam faced him once again. “In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not very comfortable.”

Joe blinked, unconvinced. “You’ve been hurt before, Adam, but you didn’t drink like this! First thing in the morning, taking a sip every…”

“Enough!!!” Adam yelled. “I’m not discussing this with you anymore.”

“Fine!” Joe walked ahead. “We can discuss it with Pa.”

Joe didn’t stop to see if Adam was coming after him. He was going home and he was going to tell his father.

“I’m asking you, Joe!” Adam called after him. “Please?”

Joe turned and Adam moved to him slowly. His older brother was no longer stern and forceful; he now stood pitiful and sad. Joe’s heart bled for him.

“Please, Joe.” Adam said. “For no other reason than it will hurt me more. Don’t speak of it – ever again.”

“How can I promise that, Adam?”

“I know it’s a lot to ask.” Adam said. “But I’m asking you. All I want is to go home and forget it ever happened.”

Joe swallowed the lump in his throat as he stared at Adam’s face.

“For me, Joe,” Adam said. “Please. At least give me time to sort it out in my own mind before I have to deal with hurting Pa, too.”

“But Pa will…”

“Please, Joe?”

Joe sighed and nodded reluctantly.

Adam didn’t smile, but he brushed Joe’s arm affectionately. “Joe,” he said. “It’ll be all right.”

Joe watched his brother walk ahead of him, knowing full well it wouldn’t be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam and Joe met their friends, Roger and Bill Clemens on the northwest road outside of Virginia City that bordered the Ponderosa. Adam stood below their horses, growing embarrassed as the Clemens boys made faces at the sight of him.

“Damn, Adam,” Roger winced. “You need a doctor.”

“You need one right away.” Bill agreed.

“What we really need are a couple of horses, Roger.” Adam said.

“You know you’re welcome to anything of mine, Adam.” Roger said. “Climb up on back and Joe can ride with Bill. I’ll take you back to my place and you can take a couple of fresh horses from there.”

“Thanks for your trouble, you two.” Adam said, outstretching a hand to be hoisted up.

“What trouble? It’s only half a mile away. Besides…” Roger lost his train of thought and squinted as he pulled Adam up behind him. “Cartwright, you been drinking?”

“You noticed that, too, huh?” Joe spoke up for the first time since they met the Clemens. Young Bill helped Joe up behind him.

Adam shot Joe an angry glance behind Roger’s back. Joe shot it right back.

“I just had a shot or two,” Adam said. “Just to get me home.”

“Well, I don’t blame you there, buddy.” Roger said. “I think if I were in your condition, I’d have more than a couple shots.”

“He has.” Joe said.

“Do you mind?” Adam snapped at him. “You’re not funny.”

“I’m not trying to be.” Joe said seriously.

The two brothers glared at each other silently. When they reached the Clemens’

place, Adam took the first horse ready and left before Joe’s was even saddled, hoping his father and Hoss were out working so he could slip in without being seen. He didn’t want to talk to anyone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ben Cartwright brushed down his beloved Buck in the barn. He’d been worried since the horse strained his front leg in a fall up in the north pasture last week. Ben swore to everyone that Buck had hurt himself to save his master from injury. The horse had lost his footing and instead of rolling onto Ben, the old gelding wrenched himself forward. Thankfully, his leg was healing. Ben couldn’t bear the thought of having to put him down.

“You’re a good man, aren’t you, Buck?” Ben smiled as he rubbed the long yellow face. “And you’ll be better in no time. Yes, you will.”

He gave the horse a handful of oats, then walked back into the drizzle of the outside. Ben paused at the door as he heard a rider approach. Good, he thought, maybe it’s one of the boys. Better late than never, he supposed. He stood and waited. A sorry sight of a man rode in on a small red and white paint. The man was dirty and disheveled and held himself as if he were hurt. Who the devil is this?

“Adam?” Hoss asked from the porch.

“Adam?!” Ben reiterated and headed over. The young man had dismounted and was approaching Hoss. Ben could see Hoss’ expression go from question, to shock, to anger, but the rider was still back to him.

“Who did this to you, Adam?” Hoss demanded.

Ben finally reached his oldest son and turned him around. What he saw stopped his breath.

Adam wouldn’t meet his father’s eyes so he didn’t see them travel over his battered face, didn’t see the wave of horror and sorrow that filled them. Ben brought his hands carefully to Adam’s bruises.

“Hoss, get the doctor,” Ben said. “And bring Roy with him.”

“Yessir.” Hoss answered and jumped towards his horse.

“Hoss, wait! I don’t need either of them.” Adam said. ” I just had a scrape with a few bullies.”

“A scrape?!” Ben bellowed. “A scrape?!!? You call this a scrape????”

“Pa, calm down.” Adam said. He stumbled, but caught himself on his father’s sleeve. “I’m all right.”

“You most certainly are not all right!” Ben snapped. “Hoss, get the doctor now!”

“Pa! I said I don’t need a doctor!” Adam argued. “Will you listen to me?”

The arrival of Joe interrupted their argument. He pulled up beside them, pale and

just as dirty as Adam, holding his swollen hand to his chest.

” And you don’t look much better than your brother!” Ben yelled at him. “Are you going to tell me you don’t need a doctor, too?”

“No, Pa.” Joe said softly.

“Well?” Ben asked. “Are one of you going to tell me what happened?”

As Joe stared at his father, his lips began to tremble. Ben lost his frustration and ran to his youngest son.

“Joe,” he said tenderly. “What is it, boy?”

Joe looked over at Adam.

“We were robbed, Pa.” Joe said, softly. His tortured expression did not change.

Ben smiled tenderly and squeezed his son’s thigh. “Joe. You boys are all that matters to me. Money is nothing compared to the two of you.”

Joe nodded, but Ben could see he felt no better. “What happened, son? What has you so downhearted?”

“He told you what happened, Pa.” Adam said. “We were robbed and they got the better of us, as you can see. His pride’s hurt, that’s all.”

Ben turned back to Joe who stared down at his saddlehorn. “Is that all, Joe?”

Joe didn’t answer.

“Joe?” Ben said, wonder and worry welling inside him.

Joe’s face turned from sadness to alarm. “Adam!” He yelled and dismounted in a mad rush. Ben turned just as Adam fell into Hoss’ arms.

Adam moaned as Ben reached him. With the sweat running over his bruised face, Adam looked up at his father. “I couldn’t let them hurt Joe,” he whispered hoarsely. “I couldn’t.”

“Hoss!” Ben croaked, pulling Adam into his arms. “Get the doctor NOW!!!”

This time, Adam didn’t protest. He passed out in his father’s arms.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Even before his eyes opened, Adam knew he had a headache, one that throbbed through his ears and pounded in his jaw. It hurt so badly that he tried to return to sleep to escape it, but someone’s hands were on him. He woke to the concerned face of his doctor.

“For the love of God, Adam. What did they do to you?” the man asked.

Adam winced. “Got the better of me, I guess.”

“I’d guess, too.” Dr. Martin replied. “You know you have three broken ribs.”

“I figured I had one anyway.”

“Adam.” His father came to his side. “How are you feeling, son?”

“I feel about as good as I look.” Adam said, wryly.

His father smiled and gently rubbed his hand.

“Adam, this was no run of the mill brawl.” the doctor said. “You’re lucky you weren’t killed.”

” I suppose I am.” Adam said.

Dr. Martin pulled the sheets to Adam’s chin. “Well, I don’t think you have any internal injuries except for those ribs. You haven’t coughed up blood, have you?”

“No.”

“You know, you’ve got 16 stitches in you, Adam.” he went on. “And they broke one of your back teeth. That must have been one hell of a punch.”

Or kick, Adam thought. He ran his tongue around his mouth and felt the jagged molar. The way he’d been beaten, he was lucky his whole set of teeth wasn’t still back there in the burnt out cabin.

“Adam.” Ben said. “Roy wants to speak to you. Can you talk to him?”

“There’s really nothing to tell him, Pa.” Adam said.

“Can’t you tell him anything about last night?” Ben asked.

“No.”

“There must be something you remember.” Ben said.

“Nothing.”

“Adam, think!” His father coaxed. “These men must be caught and punished. The sooner Roy…”

“Pa, I said no!!! There’s nothing, so just drop it, will you??!!” Adam yelled, the effort sending stabs of pain through his body. How had he walked home in this condition? It hurt now to even think.

The whiskey….

Adam pushed himself to a sit and found both men’s troubled eyes upon him. He shouldn’t have snapped like that. He shouldn’t have yelled at his father. And now, he was bringing more attention to the situation than he had wanted. But that didn’t matter at the moment. What he needed was another drink.

“What do you think you’re doing?” his father asked, looming over him.

“I’m getting up.”

“Oh, no you’re not. Lie back down in that bed.” Ben said. “You’re in no condition to go anywhere.”

“I got home, didn’t I?” Adam asked.

“Yes and then you passed out in my arms!!!” Ben yelled this time. “Or did you forget that part?!?”

Adam swung his legs around to the floor.

“Adam,” the doctor said, quietly. “I’ll have to agree with your father on this one. You should stay in bed for a couple days.”

“Well, I can’t.” Adam said bluntly. He stood up and went to his bureau, grabbing his clean red shirt from the second drawer. He put one arm in his sleeve, then brought the shirt slowly across his shoulder.

“See?” Ben asked. “You’re in pain, aren’t you?”

Adam finished with his shirt and headed for the stairs, ignoring him. His father’s concern was starting to anger him and the last thing either one of them needed right now was an argument. Adam went down over the stairs.

Roy Coffee sat in his father’s chair and stood up the moment he saw Adam. “Landsakes, boy! Lookit you!” Roy said. “I ain’t never seen anyone beat so bad in all my days, no one that was still walkin’ around anyway.”

Adam acknowledged him with only a nod and poured himself a snifter of brandy. It smelled delicious and how good it tasted – much smoother than the whiskey, that was certain. He poured himself another and noticed Joe peering over at him in protest. He turned away, then drank it anyway.

“You have my word, Adam, I’m gonna do everything in my power to see those men tried and punished.” Roy said. “I’ll find them, don’t you worry.”

“I don’t see how, Roy. We don’t even know who they are.” Adam answered.

“Joe tells me he’d know the men if he saw them again.” Roy said.

Adam looked over. Joe’s angry eyes were no longer on him, but were now turned away in trepidation.

“I said maybe I’d know them, Roy,” Joe said. “And maybe I wouldn’t.”

Joe glanced back at his brother, sadly, and gave him a tight smile.

Roy walked over to Joe. “So, young man,” he said. “Would you know them or wouldn’t you?”

“I probably wouldn’t.” Joe said.

“What’s going on here?” Roy asked, more than irritated. “One minute you’d know them and the next minute you don’t?”

“I just…I probably wouldn’t know them after all.” Joe said softly.

“So what can you tell me about them?” Roy said.

“Well, they were on horseback,” Adam said. “And they’re now 4600 dollars richer than they were.”

“How many of them were there?” Roy asked.

“Four,” Adam said. “And since there’s really not much else to say, I’d like to rest, if you don’t mind.”

“Adam,” Roy grabbed his arm. “You tell me your version of what happened. I want to see if you remember anything different than Joe does.”

Adam stood, aching with every breath, sickened at the thought of talking about it any more. He knew it was wrong of him to hide the truth. It was as bad as lying. Both went against every fiber of what he’d always believed in. But Adam wanted it gone, wanted the whole night forgotten. The thought of a trial sent his insides reeling. Coward or not, liar or not, Adam wasn’t going to think about it ever again. Besides, after last night, his morals weren’t in question anymore. He was just as low as the men who did this to them.

His father stood watching, hands on his hips, mouth hard and eyes harder. Adam made a point of not looking at his father again.

“Adam,” Roy said. “Tell me what happened.”

“We were jumped while we were sleeping.” Adam said. “There’s not too much more I remember, besides trying to stop them and being beaten.”

“Are you sure you’re telling me everything, Adam?” Roy said. “Joe says….”

“Adam was knocked down right away, sheriff.” Joe spoke up. “It’s probably all a blur to him.”

“Well, why’d they beat him up so badly and not you?” Roy said. “He must know that.”

Joe got up and stood beside Adam. “How would he know how men like that think?” Joe said.

“I ain’t askin’ you to tell me what they think, I’m asking you to tell me what they did!” Roy was getting riled. “Now you tell me what happened Adam and tell me right now!”

“Why are you badgering him?” Joe asked angrily. “I told you he doesn’t know!”

“Because I think he knows and I think you know and for some strange reason, neither one of you want to tell me!” Roy snapped. “Now if you boys are getting images of goin’ after these men on your own without the law, then you best be changing your mind pretty quick or else…”

“We aren’t going after anyone.” Adam said.

“Then why aren’t you telling me the whole truth?”

“That’s what happened, Roy.” Adam said.

“Adam Cartwright, I know you’re stubborn. And I know you and I have butted heads on more than one occasion. But I’d never thought I’d see the day where you lied to me.” Roy shook his head.

“He’s not lying!” Joe shoved the sheriff back into the chair. “You heard what he said!”

“Joseph!” Ben ran over and grabbed him by the arms as Roy slowly righted himself.

Joe stared at everyone with pursed lips and a heaving chest. No one spoke or moved, except for Adam, who situated himself diplomatically between his father and brother.

“Look, he’s sorry.” Adam said, less than amicably. His words sounded more like an insult than an apology. “And I’m sorry. We’ve got nothing more to tell about last night and we’re tired of the questions.”

Roy’s narrow eyes slid between Adam and Joe as if calculating which one of them he was the most angry with. Adam could feel his father’s eyes burning through him, but he would not meet his gaze. He stood staunchly, yet awkwardly, staring at the bottle of brandy feet away as a tense silence filled the room. If he could only have one more sip…

“Well, I must get back.” Dr. Martin finally spoke up. “I’ve left some Laudanum in your room for the boys’ pain, Ben. Only give it to them if they really need it. I’d rather see them take a shot of whiskey if you have it.”

He gathered his coat and hat as the others remained wordless statues.

“I’ll be back the day after tomorrow to check on you two. Remember – no heavy labor. I want you boys resting whenever possible. Especially you, Adam.” He said. He raised his eyebrows. “Is anyone listening to me at all?”

Ben eased away from the discomfort of the room. “Of course, Paul, and thank you. I don’t know what we’d do without you.”

“Well, your boys are very lucky you weren’t killed dealing with men like that.” the doctor said. “Roy, how about riding back with me?”

The sheriff gave the Cartwright boys one last disappointed head-shake before meeting the doctor at the door. “If you two happen to remember anything else, you make sure and tell me.” Roy said. “And you remember what I told you. If I hear of you going after those men, it’ll be you who’s in jail. Understand?”

Adam and Joe nodded, keeping a united front even after the door closed. They turned to face their father.

“I just hope for your sakes that Roy is wrong.” Ben said. “If you’re planning on going after someone by yourselves, it won’t just be him you’ll be in trouble with.”

“We said we weren’t, Pa, and we meant it.” Adam said. “Can’t you just leave it at that?”

“Leave it at that when you boys were nearly killed?” Ben asked.

” ‘Sides, those men have 4600 of our dollars.” Hoss added. “Seems a shame to me that you two can’t come up with anything more than just there were four of them.”

“If that’s what the problem is, I’ll pay the ranch back the money out of my own salary.” Adam snapped.

“You know that weren’t what I meant, Adam.” Hoss said.

“Sure sounded like it.” Joe added.

“No matter what you say,” Hoss walked to Adam. “I think there’s somethin’ you ain’t tellin’ us, older brother. I just can’t figure out what or why.”

Adam rolled his eyes and went back to the carafe of brandy. He poured himself another shot and drank it.

“Well,” Ben said. “I think right now we all need some rest. We’ll figure out the whats and the whys in the morning.”

“There’s nothing to figure out, Pa.” Adam said. “How many times do we have to say that?”

“Adam, I know my sons and I know when they’re trying to keep something from me.” Ben said.

“Well, if you know so much, Pa, why don’t you go after them yourself and get your precious money back?” Adam asked.

“THAT weren’t called for, Adam!” Hoss said. “You know dang well we don’t care ‘bout that money! We wanna know who did this to you!”

Adam slammed his glass on the table, the motion sending a surge of pain through his insides. He exhaled and looked at his family. “I’m through talking.” he said and went up the stairs.

Adam could hear Hoss call after him. “You’re some lucky you’re banged up, Adam! Cuz if you weren’t, I’d….”

Adam slammed his bedroom door. He looked around his room – the porcelain basin, the volumes of literature, the picture of his mother and her music box beside it, the fine linen on his bed and the beautiful furniture his father had lovingly bought piece by piece for him. All these were symbols of the man he had been, the life he had known before this. Adam swiped his arm across his bureau, sending books and pictures to the floor, his body aching in pain, his mind swimming in guilt. Now he could add lying to his list of broken commandments and his father to his list of people he had hurt.

For a moment, he wanted to turn around and go back downstairs. He grabbed the door latch, ready to tell his Pa, tell him everything that happened. Tell him how he’d failed as a man, as a human being. Tell him why he would now have to hang his head in shame every time he looked at his oldest son. His hand slipped back to his side. How could he put Pa through that? What purpose would it serve other than to ease his own mind? No. Adam stayed with his first instinct. He’d have to deal with his guilt on his own. He wasn’t going to drag his father down with him.

 

III

Over the next few days, as their physical wounds began to heal, Adam and Joe spent their time as shadows in their house, floating silently from room to room, barely speaking and never smiling. They acted like wild animals, shying away from Ben and Hoss, snapping if they got cornered. Although their physical pain seemed to have lessened, their distance increased tenfold.

Ben tried more than once to engage them in conversation, but Adam had all he could do to even feign interest and Joe was short-tempered and grouchy. Ignored and snapped at too many times, Ben found himself nervous around them. Hoss, usually so understanding, began to scowl at his brothers. The family was growing apart. Even meals were no longer a time when the four could mend fences and share concerns. Joe was late every breakfast, lunch and supper and Adam barely ate at all.

Sleeplessness began to creep into Ben’s nights. He told himself not to worry about his sons, but it did no good. He found himself tossing and turning, laying awake for hours on end until the sun crept up over the horizon. After three days of this, Ben decided to rise before the sun, determined to eat breakfast with all his boys for the first time since Adam and Joe had left on their trip. He sat drinking coffee alone until Hoss came down the stairs a little after dawn.

“Mornin’ Pa.” Hoss said.

“Good morning, son.” Ben smiled at him. “Any noise from their rooms?”

“Adam’s up, I think.” Hoss said as he poured himself coffee. “I heard him banging around in there.”

Ben nodded. “Well, Hop Sing’s up and cooking right now. I’m going to make sure they eat with us this morning.”

“Good.” Hoss nodded.

The room stayed awkwardly silent for a moment, save for the sips of hot coffee. Ben had tried not to make too big of a commotion about his uneasiness regarding Adam and Joe to Hoss. He didn’t want to worry him needlessly. There was no sense in both of them losing sleep. Now, however, Ben needed Hoss’ help.

“How do they seem to you?” he said in the stillness.

Hoss looked at him silently for a moment. “I think they’re feelin’ better.” he nodded finally. “Joe was out ridin’ yesterday.”

“Have either one of them talked to you?”

Hoss shook his head. “No, Pa.”

Ben sighed.

“Pa, we’re probably worried ‘bout nothin’.” Hoss suggested. “They’re probably embarrassed or somethin’ ‘bout losin’ that money is all. You saw yourself how guilty they felt about that. Plus, they did get whalloped.”

“Perhaps.”

“We just gotta give ‘em some space.” Hoss said. “If somethin’s botherin’ them, they’ll come to us eventually.”

“I’ve been trying to give them space.” Ben said. “Joe avoids me and Adam looks right past me.”

“They’re doin’ the same thing to me, Pa.”

“Well.” Ben patted Hoss’ arm. “At least I’m not the only one.”

Ben stood and his smile grew wide as Adam slowly descended the stairs. The poor boy still looked as if he’d been swatted by a grizzly bear, but at least he was coming to eat for a change. By the looks of him, Ben wondered if Adam had eaten anything since he’d been home.

“Good morning, son!” Ben gleamed. “Feeling better?”

Adam shrugged, then nodded. “Mornin’.” he grumbled. He didn’t go to the table, but went to his hat and coat near the door. Ben’s happy face crumbled and he sat back down.

“Adam!” Hoss called over. “Pa thought maybe the four of us could have breakfast together.”

Adam walked around the corner, slowly pulling on his jacket. “I can’t.” he said.

“Course you can!” Hoss smiled. “Get over here!”

Adam didn’t share Hoss’ good nature. “I said I can’t.” he said. “I’ve got to go into town.”

“Town? For what?” Hoss said.

“For some things I need.” Adam said.

“I’m sure Hoss can get them for you later, Adam.” Ben said kindly. “Nothing’s open now anyway and you, young man, need your rest.”

“I know what I need, thank you.” Adam said.

“What’s so important in town that you can’t eat breakfast?” Hoss said.

“Since when do I have to answer to you?”

Hoss set his coffee cup on the table and glared at his father, his eyes narrowing in anger. Ben held up his hand to calm him.

“Will you be gone long, Adam?” Ben asked.

“I don’t know, Pa.” Adam said. “I’ll see you when I get back. Ok?”

“Ok, Adam.” Ben said.

When the front door closed, Ben bowed his head and rubbed his brow.

“I sure hope whatever’s into him gets out of him soon, Pa.” Hoss said. “I can’t figure out why he can’t talk civil to me anymore. ‘Sides, I can’t stand seein’ you worry like this.”

“He’ll be fine and so will I.” Ben said, as much for himself as for Hoss. “You know your brother. He has to work things out for himself. He’s just a…. Joseph!”

Ben brightened once again as his youngest came down the stairs and joined them, still in his nightshirt and robe. Joe took a seat at the table and rubbed his eyes.

“I need coffee.” Joe said, his voice hoarse with the morning.

Ben jumped up like a nervous butler. “Yes sir!” he laughed excitedly. “Hop Sing’s making pancakes and sausage which will be out very soon. Can I get you anything else, Joe? A pillow to rest your hand on? Is it aching badly this morning or are you feeling better?”

Joe squinted at his father, confused by his gibbering. “No thank you, Pa.” he said.

“No thank you!” Ben repeated, elated. “Are you warm enough? Would you like a shawl or a blanket?”

“Is he all right?” Joe asked Hoss.

Hoss grinned. “He’s just happy you feel better, little brother.”

Joe offered his father a weak smile and Ben laughed. “You think he feels better now, just wait ‘til he eats some of those pancakes. Hop Sing!!!”

Hop Sing served the three Cartwrights and they thanked him. Ben was so glad to have at least one of the boys show signs of normalcy that he didn’t stop laughing and chatting throughout the whole meal. Joe wasn’t very talkative, but he smiled more than once at his father. Things were looking up.

“Is Adam up yet?” Joe asked.

Ben nodded, trying to hide his disappointment. “He had to go into town.”

“This early?”

“Perhaps he’s got business to take care of.” Ben said.

“Adam wouldn’t tell us what he wanted in town.” Hoss added as he wiped his mouth. “He don’t want to tell us much of anything, I guess.”

“What’s there to tell?” Joe said.

“I dunno.” Hoss shrugged. “I just meant he ain’t talkin’ to anybody lately.” “Maybe if you were a little nicer to him, he’d talk to you.” Joe eyed Hoss.

“Me?” Hoss grinned. “You serious, Joe?”

“Yeah, you!” Joe wasn’t laughing. “First night home and you’re threatening to hit him, throwing your weight around like you always do. Just because you’re bigger than us doesn’t give you the right to boss us around!”

Ben could see that although Hoss was amused, Joe was more than serious. He was beginning to make a fist with his good hand.

“Joe,” Hoss smiled at him, good-naturedly. “I may’ve bossed you at times in the past, but I sure as heck ain’t never bossed Adam. For pete’s sake, who do you always complain about bein’ bossy? It ain’t me!”

Joe shook his head slowly. “I don’t complain about Adam.”

With that, Hoss broke into laughter and slapped his knee.

“Hoss…” Ben whispered.

“Now THAT,..” Hoss laughed. “Is the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time.”

“Hoss.” Ben said.

“You hear that, Pa?” Hoss giggled. “Joe don’t never complain about Adam. You get hit on the head, too, little brother?”

“Hoss!” Ben snapped, but it was too late. Joe decked Hoss from across the table, then raced around it to land on him and pummel him with punches. Ben’s chair fell over backwards as he jumped to stop the fight.

Before Hoss could speak, Joe screamed at him. “Don’t laugh at me!!!” Joe yelled. “Don’t you ever laugh at me!!! You hear me, Hoss???”

Hoss stared up at him, stunned. ” I hear you, Joe.” he said.

With that, Joe climbed off him. He shoved a chair out of his way and it tumbled into the middle of the floor. Then, Joe stormed off upstairs, leaving his brother and father bewildered behind him.

“I’m sorry, Pa.” Hoss said as he stood. “I didn’t realize he was so angry. I thought I was just teasin’ him like I always do.”

Ben nodded sadly, then straightened the fallen chair. He pushed it gently back to its place at the table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam walked down the street. The sun was warm already even though it was hours from noon. A nice change, he thought. Too bad it hadn’t been warm on their trip. He and Joe nearly froze in their blankets that evening. Joe kept nudging closer to him for warmth and Adam kept snapping at him to stop kicking and get his legs off him. The night had begun with a brotherly argument and had ended in a nightmare. Adam shook his head to clear the memory.

He had come to town early, hoping the town would still be groggy in the early morning. People would be eating breakfast and getting ready for the new day. Nothing would be open; nothing but Kate’s Boarding House, or, as Adam and most of the men of Virginia City knew, brothel. He turned the corner in the alley to cut across the back way to Vintage Street, craning his neck around to make sure no one saw him.

Adam walked to the back door and knocked. Someone had to be awake. This house never slept. The door opened and a startled young woman stood before him, her silky blue robe drawn tightly to her waist.

“Adam Cartwright?” she said.

“It’s me, Pauline.” he smiled through a sore mouth.

“My God, Adam! You look like you’ve been run over by a stagecoach!”

“Thanks, Pauline. You look good, too.”

She grinned at him and led him by the hand to the parlor. “Well! I couldn’t think of a better way to start my day,” she said, coyly. “It’s about time you took me up on my offer. Lord knows I’ve invited you here enough.”

“I’ve been busy.” he said, taking off his hat.

“Busy!” she teased. She stopped and touched his cheek, making him wince. “You’ve been busy all right. What happened to that handsome face of yours?”

“It’s a long story, one I don’t care to get into right now.”

Pauline grinned slyly. “Funny.” she moved closer to him. “I always pictured you to be one to talk first, if you know what I mean.”

Adam stepped back in to the wall, embarrassed and awkward.

“I’ll wake someone else if you like, Adam.” she whispered deeply and began to play with the buttons on his shirt. “But, I’ve always fancied you, always wished someday you’d come see me.”

“Pauline.” he sighed. “Tempting as you are, I really didn’t stop here for that.”

She looked at him quizzically. “You didn’t?”

He shook his head. “I was wondering if you possibly had an extra…. bottle? I’ll pay for it, of course.”

“Bottle? Of what?”

“Of whiskey? Or maybe brandy?” he whispered.

“Whiskey? You came here for whiskey?”

Adam nodded. “It helps y’know…. with the pain….”

Pauline stood stumped. “Well, sure Adam, I know that. But why’d you come here? Whyn’t you go to the Silver Dollar or the hotel? Even the general store has whiskey.”

“Well, it’s early and I was in town and…” Adam shrugged. “I just thought I’d visit you instead.”

Pauline looked at him. “Sure there’s extra, Adam. You can take one. You can take as many as you want.” she said. “I still don’t get why you came here. You sure you weren’t lookin’ for something else?”

“I’m sure, Pauline,” he said, growing nervous that someone would see him before he left town. He had already been here longer than he planned. “It hurts to ride my horse, let alone…well, you know what I mean.”

“Ok, Adam,” she said. She unlocked the cabinet and passed him a full bottle. “One enough?”

“Thank you, Pauline,” he nodded. “And make sure and thank Kate for me. ” He handed her money. “There’s extra for your troubles.”

She pushed his hand back. “Adam, I don’t want your money.” she said, smiling. “Anything of mine is yours. For free. If you know what I mean.”

Adam blushed. “Pauline, you can flirt your way to anything, can’t you?”

“Not to you, unfortunately.” she said.

Adam waved and walked out, leaving the money on the dining room table as he left despite Pauline’s rebuttal. He tucked the bottle into the inside pocket of his coat, then headed quickly back to his horse. He left town quickly, proud of escaping before anyone noticed him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joe dressed himself and waited in his room until he heard his father and brother leave the yard. He didn’t want to talk to either of them. He didn’t want to talk to anybody. He strode quickly out to the barn and gathered his saddle and tack. He sure as heck wasn’t going to sit around the house all day.

“C’mere, Cochise…tk, tk, tk.” he called his horse to face him.

Cochise turned eagerly to his young master and Joe nuzzled him. He closed his eyes and buried his face into the horse’s neck. “Thank God I didn’t take you, Cochise. You’d be with them now. But I’d come after you, boy. Nothing would stop me and I’d kill ‘em.”

Joe looked into his horse’s face and scratched beneath his mane. He remembered those men hadn’t even bothered to feed or water their horses once they’d gotten to the shack. They weren’t just monsters to him and Adam, they were monsters to any living thing they came in contact with. Anger reared its ugly head inside Joe once again. “I’ll kill them, anyway, Cochise.” he said. “I’ll kill them after I drag them to hell and back.”

Joe turned and saw Lenny, one of the ranch hands, standing in the doorway.

“What are you, eavesdropping?” Joe asked.

“No, Joe. I just got here.” the big man answered. “I just came looking for a new bit for my horse. His bothers him, so…”

“Your tack is in the other barn.” Joe snapped.

“There’s no extra bits, so…”

“So nothing!” Joe yelled. “Who said you could come in here???”

“I come here all the time, Joe. I took care of Cochise just last week for you!”

Joe stood fuming and embarrassed that someone had caught him confiding in his horse. “You don’t need to come in here when you know I’m in here.”

Lenny stood perplexed, then shrugged. “Whatever you say, Joe.”

Joe walked back to Cochise and quickly saddled him, ignoring his splint and ignoring the guilt he felt for his outburst. He galloped out of the yard and down the road, pulling the reins to a stop when he noticed another rider approaching. It was Adam. His chestnut horse walked slowly towards him, looking almost red in the bright autumn sun.

“And how are you doing, Joe?” Adam smiled and rested his weight on his saddlehorn.

Joe stared at him, trying to figure out how he could be so happy. Then he remembered. “You’re drunk.” he said.

“I’m not drunk!” Adam said, each word distinct and drawn out.

“Bull!” Joe snapped. “You’re drunk and it’s not even 10 o’clock in the morning!”

“Think what you will, Little Joe.” he said and tipped his hat. He swayed slightly in his saddle. “Whoa, boy.”

“Sport isn’t moving, Adam.” Joe said.

“Ok, so he’s not! So what?”

“So, you’re telling him ‘whoa’ when he’s standing still and you’re telling me you’re not drunk.” Joe explained.

“Joe,” Adam smiled. “I am having too nice a day to get angry at you. If you’re looking for a fight, look somewhere else.”

“This what you’re going to do, Adam?” Joe asked, disgusted. “You going to drink it away?”

Adam lost his smile. “I told you to shut your mouth about it and I meant it.”

“I shut my mouth, Adam!” Joe said. “Look where it’s gotten us.”

“You think it would be better if they knew, Joe?”

Joe thought for a moment. “No. It wouldn’t. And I’m not going to tell them, ” he said. “But you already know.”

“I’m not talking about it, if that’s what you’re looking for.”

“It’s driving me crazy, Adam!” Joe pleaded. “All I want to do is fight, all I think about is going after them and killing them. I can’t take it!”

“Grow up and deal with it.” Adam snapped. “I did! And I’m the one who….”

Adam shook his head. Joe saw his brother’s face bow in the agony of the memory. He wanted to go to him.

“Adam, you saved me.” Joe choked with emotion. “You did what you had to…”

“Shut up!!!” Adam yelled. “Just shut up!!!”

Joe calmed himself. “But you…”

“If you’re gonna bring it up every time I see you, then I suggest you stay away from me.” Adam ground his teeth as he spoke. “Just stay away, Joe, understand?”

Adam raced off and Joe hung his head, then wiped the tears that had escaped without him realizing it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Adam returned to the ranch, Lenny came out of the barn. Ignoring him, Adam tied Sport to the post and picked up the bucket to put some fresh water in the trough. He walked to the pump, dismayed that Lenny had followed him.

“Adam.” Lenny said.

“What is it, Len?” Adam said as he drew the water.

“Are we not allowed to go in the barn anymore?” he pointed to it.

“What are you talking about?”

“Joe told me to stay out of it; that we have our own barn.”

Adam stopped pumping.

“You know you’re allowed in the barn.” Adam said. “Did you tell me this to get Joe in trouble?”

“No, Adam,” Lenny said with innocent eyes. “I just don’t know what I did to make him so mad at me.”

Adam sighed. “Joe’s mad at everyone right now, Lenny, don’t take it personally.”

“Well, he ain’t mad at you.” the big man said. “Yesterday, Doug Wenkens was asking about how come you’re drinkin’ so much and Joe broke his nose for him. He told Doug if he ever heard anyone bring you up again, they’d be fired.”

Adam felt as if someone had slapped his face. He hadn’t realized anyone even knew about his new preoccupation, let alone discussed it. And Joe. Adam hadn’t realized it bothered him this seriously. Was he really drinking that much? He felt the bottle inside his jacket and remembered the empty ones inside the house. He’d been drinking nearly nonstop since that first bottle of Ike’s. Shame filled him and he closed his eyes.

“The boys know you’re hurtin’, Adam. One look at you is proof to that. They don’t think either way about it. Doug was just wonderin’ about how you were doin’ is all and Joe took offense.” Lenny went on. “And don’t worry – ain’t nobody sayin’ nothin’ to your Pa.”

Adam nodded and carried the water back to the trough.

“You feelin’ any better a ‘tall, Adam?” Lenny asked.

“No.” Adam poured the water for Sport. “I’m feeling worse, Len. I’m feeling worse.”

He threw the bucket to the ground and went inside the house.

 

IV

Ben stepped out onto the porch. A flock of geese chattered as they flew overhead and Ben walked out into the open to look up at them. The sight of them warmed his heart. No matter what was going on in his world, Mother Nature remained beautiful.

“Have a safe trip!” he called, waving after them. He laughed slightly at his foolishness. Those geese couldn’t care less that Ben Cartwright was wishing them well.

The wind whipped through the yard and Ben pulled his coat closer to his chest. He was hoping for another round of Indian summer, but it didn’t look like that was going to happen. Not yet November and he already wished he was wearing gloves. He looked back up at the geese, now just tiny lines in the white sky. Then the thought hit him. Had he given his boys the same farewell he had given those geese? He tried to remember and closed his eyes. Adam and Joe had left the morning Ben had slept late with a cold. Suddenly he felt very sorry. He never said a word to them.

The crack of an ax hitting wood came from behind the barn, so Ben walked over to see Hoss. He knew the boys had been taking turns with the pile, but since the trip, Hoss was the only one well enough to work on it. To Ben’s astonishment, it was Adam who stood amidst the cluttered logs. Ben cringed as he watched his son raise the ax again. “Adam!” Ben marched over. “You shouldn’t be doing that, now put that down.”

“I’m fine, Pa.” he said.

“I can see from over there that you’re hurting, so put it down like I asked you to!”

Adam sighed and set the silver ax beside the stump he was using for a chopping block. He wiped his face with his bandanna and turned away from his father to study what remained of the pile.

“Adam.” Ben’s tone softened. “Broken ribs don’t heal in a week.”

“It’s been over a week.”

“It’s been eight days.” Ben said. He put his hand to Adam’s shoulder. “Come and sit down with me.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “Pa…”

“Adam, please.” Ben said and sat on the fat stump. He upturned another large hunk of wood for his son and slapped it. “Would you rather come and sit inside?” he smiled.

“I didn’t want to sit in the first place.” Adam turned away, but Ben grabbed his hand.

“OK, OK.” Ben pulled him down. “I just want to see you for a moment. I haven’t had the chance to talk to you since you came back – just you and I.”

“Here we go again.” Adam stood back up and moved away before his father could pull him back.

“Adam. Why can’t you talk to me?” Ben followed him.

“Pa, I can. I’m just not going to sit with you bombarding me with questions that I either can’t answer or are just plain stupid!”

“Stupid?!”

Adam began to walk away, muttering to himself, but Ben stayed right behind him.

“OK, Adam, OK. No questions. Just talking. Just you and I.” Ben said. Adam turned to face him, so Ben tried desperately to think of something to say without asking him anything or bringing up their trip.

“So!” Ben said. “You’ll be pleased to know that the Munsons are rebuilding. The whole town chipped in towards their new house.”

“What happened to their old one?”

“I thought I told you. It burnt to the ground last week.”

Adam shook his head.

“Perhaps the four of us can go over tomorrow and help with the framing.” Ben said. “I’m sending some lumber over today.”

He watched his oldest son with baited breath.

“I don’t know.”

“Adam, they’re our neighbors and they need our help.”

Adam looked up into the sky, then back at his father. “Yeah, I guess I could.”

“Ha!” Ben slapped his arm. “That’s my boy!”

“Yeah,” Adam nodded, sedately. “Your boy.”

Ben watched him, happy to have his son back. Yes, it was true he practically had to hold him down to talk to him and yes, it was true Adam barely spoke in return. But Adam had talked to him and the conversation had ended on a pleasant note. Ben smiled after him as Adam walked towards his jacket, proud of him for his determination to work no matter what condition he was in. Then, Ben’s smile disappeared as he caught a glimpse of the silver flask that had been hidden beneath the tan coat. Adam shoved it inconspicuously into his pocket, then walked back towards the house as his father’s heart sank into his shoes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Joe!” Eden Munson called after him as he walked to the barn. “Joe!”

He turned to watch her walk to him, her brick red hair bouncing behind her. Eden was not a girl he’d ever been too attracted to, but today, he thought any female company would be a nice change. It had been a while since he even thought about a girl, let alone talked to one.

“Joe, I want to thank you for coming here and helping my father today.” she said. “You Cartwrights are so strong and helpful. I don’t know how we could have done it without you.”

“Well, it’s the least we can do for a neighbor, Eden.” he said.

“How is your hand?” she asked. “I know it’s broken, but you’re using it like it doesn’t even hurt.”

“It doesn’t hurt that much anymore. Not unless I bang it or wrench it.” he said.

“I see,” she nodded. “Pa says you and Adam got robbed coming back from San Francisco. He said you lost nearly 5000 dollars.”

Joe nodded.

“That must feel awful, Joe, losing so much money. Why, that’s more than this house and land cost put together.”

Joe was beginning to wish he hadn’t stopped for her. “It does, Eden.” he said.

“What did you ever tell your father?” she asked, an excited smile creeping across her face. “Were you afraid to tell him?”

“Not really.” Joe looked around for an excuse to walk away from her. Now he remembered why he never thought of her as date. She was no more sensitive than a piece of rawhide.

“Well, I surely could never forgive myself for losing that much money.” she giggled. “You are certainly a good sport about it.”

“Eden, I have to go talk to my brother.” he said and headed to the closest one. Adam stood sawing a timber a few yards away.

“Adam,” Joe said. “What are you doing?”

“Sawing, Joe,” Adam said. “What does it look like?”

“Well, I just….” Joe began.

“Adam, Joe’s been telling me all about the robbery.” Eden had followed him. “How awful you must feel.”

The post fell cut in two and Adam lay down his saw. “Has he?”

“Why yes, almost 5000 dollars. That must’ve been a terrible ordeal.” she said. “Please, please tell me whatever did you boys do?”

Adam ignored her and carried the beam to Hoss and the other men who were studding the frame for the house. Hoss studied it. “Adam, this is almost a foot shorter than it’s supposed to be.”

“No it’s not.”

“Adam, look.” Hoss held it up next to the other posts and sure enough, it was too short. “I marked it straight across. Why’d you cut it there?”

“Well, Hoss, maybe you marked it wrong.”

Hoss marched over to Adam’s pile and picked up the freshly sawed wood with his lead mark down it’s center. Adam was way off.

“You just plum started sawin’ where you felt like it!” Hoss said.

“What happened?” Joe asked.

“Just stay out of it, Joe.” Adam said.

“Dagburnit, Adam!” Hoss said. “You can’t read a line?”

Joe heard Eden start giggling behind him

“Yes, I can read a line. Just give me another piece and I’ll cut it!” Adam said.

“You’re dang right you will!” Hoss said.

“Look,” Adam walked towards him. “I’m trying to be decent about this so just get off my back. I said I’ll saw another piece and I will!”

Eden’s giggling grew louder and rage began to fill Joe’s chest. She clutched his arm with the thrill of an impending fight.

“Yeah and you’ll take half the afternoon to saw another one.” Hoss muttered. “And I know just why you messin’ up, Adam. You ain’t foolin’ me.”

“Adam’s going to hit him.” Eden squealed with joy.

“Will you SHUT UP??!!??!??” Joe turned on her and pushed her away from him. “What kind of SICK person are you to laugh at that?”

Eden stood in shock for a moment, as did all three Cartwright brothers. Joe’s heart began to pound steadily as he realized what he’d done and what was going to happen. Eden then burst into tears, loud tears, loud enough to stop the hammering and the sawing of every man and woman on the lot.

In an instant, Mr. Munson rushed over to cradle his daughter in his arms. Ben joined them along with a dozen other curious neighbors.

“He told me to shut up, Daddy!” the girl wept. “He yelled at me and told me to shut up! Then he said I was sick! All because I was laughing.”

All eyes turned on Joe.

“Well, I’m sorry, but she was laughing at my brothers….”

“Is that a crime?!” Munson yelled at him. “How dare you speak that way to my daughter!?”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Munson.” he said shamefully. “I just…”

“I don’t care what you just!” Munson yelled. “Ben! Take your boys and go on home. This one isn’t welcome here.”
“George…” Ben said.

“Don’t George me! I want you and your boys off my property!” he yelled. “And you can take your lumber with you, too. Make a girl cry like that, what a sorry young man you are. And that one!” He pointed to Adam. “That one’s been drinking alcohol all day! It’s good to know you’re the type of man who won’t let his hired hands drink on the job, Ben, but has no problem letting his son drink while he’s building MY house!”

Shaking their heads and whispering, the crowd left the Cartwrights standing alone. Humiliated, Ben and Hoss stood fuming and the four men eyed one another.

Ben stepped closer to his sons. “I’m so ashamed I can’t even speak.” he whispered harshly.

“Then don’t.” Adam said. He threw down his saw and sauntered off to his horse.

Joe could see his father’s eyes turn coal black as he watched Adam mount and tear out of the yard. It had been a long time since he’d seen that look on his father’s face and Joe knew if Adam had been within his reach, Pa would have backhanded him. He jumped when his father turned on him.

“And you, Joseph Cartwright. It is one thing to snap at your brother and I, and even at the men at the ranch.” Ben seethed. “But a young girl? I didn’t raise you to speak to women that way.”

“You don’t even know what happened.” Joe said.

“I don’t know and I don’t care.” Ben answered. “This behavior is going to stop now. Do you understand me?”

Joe looked at his brother. Hoss used to be his friend. Hoss used to understand. Now, Hoss glared at him with as much anger as his father. Joe wanted to punch him.

“Do you?” Ben repeated.

“Yeah, I understand you, all right.” Joe said. He picked up his hat and headed for Cochise. He took off on his father the same way Adam had.

Joe found sanctuary in town, hoping to find Adam, but neither horse nor rider were anywhere to be seen. He walked into the Silver Dollar and ordered a beer.

“You seem awful solemn, Little Joe.” the bartender said.

“Tough day.” Joe said.

“How’s Adam doin’ anyway?”

“Why?”

“Heard he got awful beat up, that’s all, Joe.”

“Why don’t you just mind your own business? Ain’t people got nothin’ better to do than discuss me and Adam?”

Confused, the big man backed away from him without another word and walked to the other end of the bar. Joe took his beer and sat at the corner table, as far away from people as he could. As he sat, a thought crossed his mind. He was crazy. Nuts. Insane. Plain and simple. Things weren’t getting better. Things weren’t all right like Adam had promised. What did Adam know anyway? All he did was drink, the drunk. It was only a matter of time before Adam turned into Charlie, the bum of Virginia City who asked everyone who passed him by for a piece of silver. Adam. His big brother Adam.

Two weeks ago, Joe wouldn’t have thought it possible. Not Adam. Anyone but Adam. This was the same man Joe had always been so proud of, the same man Joe turned to when he needed advice. If you needed to know what was right, what was honest, what was fair, just ask his brother, Adam. No matter how much he argued with him, Joe knew no one matched Adam’s tenacity and composure, and very few matched his wits. Adam was always so strong and solid, so sure of himself and so smart. But now, Adam was lost in a bottle. The worst part was, it was all because of Joe. If he hadn’t been there, Adam would’ve made it to town that night like he wanted to. If he hadn’t been there, Adam probably would’ve made it home days earlier. And if he hadn’t been there, Adam never would’ve met up with those monsters in the first place.

Joe spent the rest of the afternoon plotting. He had to think of some way to make it up to his big brother.

 

V

 

Hoss listened as his father woke and went downstairs for the fifth time that night. His brothers had been home nearly two weeks and their father hadn’t slept right since their return, but tonight was worse. His father never even settled into bed until after 3 0’clock in the morning.

Hoss worried about them, too. He missed them. They never talked to him anymore. They didn’t joke with him, didn’t laugh with him, didn’t even smile at him. He was sorry for whatever it was they had been through, but Hoss wasn’t going to let whatever was bugging them get his father sick. Pa was beginning to look almost as bad as Adam.

He woke himself early and checked on his family. All of them slept – even Pa, finally. Good. He dressed, grabbed some donuts and coffee from the kitchen and headed for the barn. Adam was his best bet. Even though he all but ignored everyone lately, at least Adam didn’t punch him in the jaw every time he opened his mouth like Joe did. Nah. Adam wouldn’t hit him. And he just might talk if their father wasn’t around. Since older brother now had the habit of making early morning visits to town, Hoss figured he’d catch him when he wasn’t expecting it.

Sure as shine, Adam came to the barn at dawn. Hoss watched him for a moment without Adam realizing it and a stab of pity pierced Hoss’ heart. Adam was so gaunt and haggard and even though his wounds were disappearing, he still looked beaten. Bags hung under his eyes and his cheeks were hollow. He carried himself like a man who’d lost everything. Those proud shoulders were gone, that strong gait was gone. He didn’t look like the same man Hoss knew before they left.

“Mornin’, Adam.” he said, walking into the sparse sunlight so he could be seen.

Adam startled and looked over at him. His gaze was neither friendly nor happy. He looked mad. “Yep.” was all he said before he went back to saddling his horse.

“You got a minute?” Hoss asked.

“Nope.” Adam shook his head.

“Well, I’m gonna take a minute.” Hoss said and grabbed the horse’s saddlepad from his back.

“You picking a fight with me first thing in the morning?” Adam asked.

“No, Adam,” Hoss said. “I just need to talk to you. That’s all. Just for a minute.”

“I’m not in the mood to talk.” Adam said, snatching the pad from Hoss’ hands and laying it back in place.

“Listen, Adam. Pa hasn’t slept through the night since you two came home.” Hoss said. “He’s killing himself with worry over you two and I ain’t standin’ for it anymore.”

“Well, I guess that’s Pa’s problem, isn’t it?”

Hoss grabbed Adam’s jacket collar and yarned him over to him. “It’s YOUR problem, Adam!”

He stared into Adam’s eyes and there was nothing – no fear, no sorrow, no anger – just apathy. “What’s wrong with you, Adam? And what’s wrong with Joe?”

Adam wrenched himself from Hoss. “Why don’t you ask Joe what’s wrong with Joe?”

“Cuz I can’t say two words to him without him jabbin’ me in the face!”

With that, Adam raised his brow. “Try leaving him alone.”

“Adam,” Hoss said as he watched his brother saddle up. “It ain’t just me with Joe. He’s pickin’ fights everywhere he goes. The hands are even startin’ to complain. And you saw him the other day with Eden Munson.”

Adam straightened himself with pursed lips. “All we want is some peace, Hoss. We’ve been prodded since we got home.”

“Now, that’s a lie!” Hoss yelled. “Ain’t no one prodded either one of you!”

“Look,” Adam sighed. “I’m sorry that we’re troubling you two, but there is nothing to worry about!”

“Nothin’ to worry about? Why ain’t you eatin?” Hoss said. “Hop Sing said you ain’t taken more ‘n two bites since you came back. You’re gettin’ skinnier than Joe, dagblast it. Lookit you! You’re clothes don’t even fit. You…”

Hoss took his arm to feel its thinness and Adam’s canteen fell to the straw. The lid popped off and it began to drain into the floor. Adam dove for it, but Hoss was quicker.

“I’ll get you some more water, Adam. Right now, I want you to listen.” Hoss inhaled its scent, then brought the canteen to his lips. He took a sip, then spit it out. Alcohol. His eyes narrowed on his older brother as Adam tore the canteen from his hands.

“You tell me, Adam.” he said sternly, slowly. “You tell me right now, what’s wrong with you.”

“Just stay away from me, Hoss.” Adam put one foot in the stirrup, but Hoss pulled him down.

“You ain’t goin’ nowhere, big brother, fore you tell me what’s into you!”

Adam struggled with him. “Nothing!!!!” he yelled and pushed him. “Just drop it, Hoss!!! Drop it and mind your own business.”

Hoss shook him. “Why’re you drinking, Adam? Tell me why! What happened to you that you gotta drink????”

Adam ground his teeth. “I’m drinking because I happen to be uncomfortable.”

“That’s a LIE!!!” Hoss roared.

“Doc Martin said a sip of whiskey…”

“A sip? You’re drinkin’ mornin’, noon and night! I seen you. Clear up til you go to bed yer takin’ shots. I even seen you put it in your coffee. And I smell it , Adam. I smell it every time you walk by me. You smell like old Charlie Withers, for pete’s sake!”

Adam pulled away and clamored onto Sport. Hoss grabbed his leg to pull him down, but Adam kicked him into the stall. When he stood back up, Adam had his jacket back, his right hand on the gun in his holster. He didn’t draw it, but the look on his face told Hoss he wasn’t playing around. Shocked, Hoss backed away, his mouth agape, his heart racing in his chest. He wasn’t afraid that Adam would shoot him. He was afraid of whatever it was that had done this to his brother. Hoss didn’t know him anymore.

“I’m leaving.” Adam said and let his coat fall back over his pistol.

“Adam,” Hoss was frightened for him. “Please. I didn’t mean to rile you. I just…I’m just worried is all. I can’t stand to see you hurt like this. You’re my brother.”

Adam walked Sport slowly out of the barn and into the purple haze of early morning. He stopped and looked back and for one hopeful second, Hoss thought he was going to speak. Instead, Adam dashed away. Hoss kicked the straw back into Sport’s stall and slammed the door.

“Dagblast him!” he yelled to no one.

“He’s drinking, isn’t he?”

Hoss looked up. His father stood in the doorway. Hoss didn’t know what to tell him. He couldn’t lie, but he knew his father needed no more worries on his shoulders.

“Hoss, is Adam drinking?” Ben walked over.

“What do you mean, Pa?”

“You know what I mean, Hoss.” Ben said firmly. “Liquor, whiskey, alcohol…whatever! I want to know if he’s drinking!”

“This morning, Pa?” Hoss said innocently. “I ain’t seen him drink this mornin’.”

Ben sighed. “Nevermind.” he said. “I already know the answer. He’s got a bottle or a flask with him everywhere he goes.”

“He says his wounds still hurt.” Hoss offered.

“He’s not drinking because of that. You don’t believe that any more than I do.”

Hoss nodded.

“What’s happening to them, Hoss?” Ben asked. ” Lenny told me yesterday the men are fed up with Joe. He’s bullying them, he’s nasty to them. He broke Doug Wenkens’ nose the other day. And Jim Marshall! He told me Joe has Don Greenfield so mad that he’s gunning for him. I don’t know what to do with either of them! I don’t know what to do!”

Hoss shook his head and watched his father sit slowly onto the tack box near the door. He put his face in his hands. “What did this to them?” he asked, his voice full of pain and throttled with emotion. “Tell me what did this to my sons!!!”

“Pa, please.” Hoss kneeled in front of him. “I know things look bad right now, but we’ve been through hard times before. We got through it.”

“Not when they weren’t speaking to me.” Ben said. “You boys have always been able to talk to me. Now neither one of them says two words to me. I have to chase them around to even get a good morning! What have I done to make them avoid me like this?”

“You ain’t done nothin’, Pa, God’s honest truth.” Hoss said. “Maybe we just need to back off. I still got faith in both of ‘em. I got faith they can work it out.”

“By drinking and fighting???”

“I dunno.” Hoss sighed.

“No.” Ben said. “This has to stop. I’m not just going to stand by and watch them kill themselves.”

Ben stood and walked to the last stall in the barn. Buck’s leg had healed and he needed some exercise. “Where did Adam say he was going?”

“He didn’t,” Hoss said. “But, I don’t think it’s too good an idea to go after him, Pa.”

Ben glared at him. “Good or not good, I’m going.” he said. “He went to town, didn’t he?”

“Probably.”

“Well!” Ben said as he furiously saddled his horse. “We’ll just see what has him so preoccupied. And in the process, I’m going to get to the bottom of this. I’m tired of this sulking around and I’m tired of this secret keeping and I’m tired of them not speaking to me. It will be over and done with TODAY!”

Ben rode in as the sun woke the sleepy town. It was quiet and peaceful and the brisk ride had strengthened his spirits. He had been paralyzed with worry lately. Now, he was finally taking action.

He found Adam’s sorrel tied in front of the general store. Relieved to have spotted him so quickly, Ben tied Buck beside Sport and knocked on the door. The shade was down and the sign read “closed”, but Ben waited for the sounds of footsteps inside. There was no one there. Ben looked around. Where the devil could he be?

He walked to the sheriff’s office, knowing full well that Roy came in before the sun rose. Say what you want about Roy Coffee, the man was at his job morning, noon and night. He wasn’t just a sheriff by word, but also by heart and soul. Ben went in, hoping against hope he’d find Adam there as well.

“Nice to see you, Ben.” Roy said from his pile of paperwork. He took off his glasses and looked up. “You haven’t been to town for a while.”

“No, Roy, I’ve been quite taken up with the ranch.” Ben smiled politely. “I just came in to look for Adam. Has he been to see you?”

Roy stood. “Ben,” he said. “Adam’s over to Kate’s.”

“Kate who?”

“Kate’s Boarding House.”

“The CATHOUSE???”

“Ben, now, calm down.” Roy said. “Adam’s a grown man. He’s got the right.”

“I know that, Roy!” he said. “I just didn’t know he…he visited those places.”

“Well, he gets to town around 5:00 in the morning and he’s gone an hour or so later.” Roy said. “I don’t think he realizes I see him ride in.”

“Every morning?!”

“Well, not every morning, but close to it.”

Ben sat heavily into the chair and sighed.

“There something wrong, Ben?” Roy asked.

“Yes, there’s something wrong, Roy.” he said.

“Anything I can do?”

“I don’t think so.” Ben answered.

Roy stood slowly in his chair and stared out his window. “Speak of the devil, Ben.” he said. “There’s the scoundrel now.”

Ben stood and saw Adam down the street, heading for his horse. He ran outside. “ADAM!!!”

Adam turned, then picked up speed and jumped on his horse. Ben ran after him.

“ADAM!!! WAIT!!!!”

Ben reached him out of breath, dodging the nervous horse hooves. “Adam! Why did you run away from me?”

“I didn’t run away from you.” Adam said, looking down at him.

“You most certainly did! You saw me and you ran across the street!”

“I don’t have time for this, Pa. Is there something you wanted?”

“Could you get down off the horse?” Ben asked.

“I really don’t have time to…”

“Get down off the horse, Adam, NOW!!!” Ben ordered.

Ben watched his oldest son’s lip purse in disgust as he stared ahead. For a moment, he thought Adam was going to kick the horse’s flanks and leave him in the dust, but he didn’t. He climbed slowly out of the saddle. Ben sighed in relief.

“What’s the matter?” Adam said dryly.

“We need to have a talk, Adam.” Ben said calmly. “We need to get some things out in the open.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “You followed me to town to have a talk?”

“Adam. I didn’t follow you to town.”

“You didn’t? Then why did you come?”

“I came to…. all right. I did come to see if I could find you, but I didn’t follow you.” Ben said. “I just think this has gone on long enough. It’s time for us to talk.”

“What’s gone on long enough?”

“This behavior of yours, of Joe’s…”

“Pa,” Adam said. “I’m fine. I wish you and Hoss would just leave me alone. It’s getting tiring.”

“Tiring?” Ben said. “I’ll tell you what’s tiring. What’s tiring is having a meal and you two not showing up. What’s tiring is your constant snapping and sarcasm. What’s tiring is your brother picking a fight with anyone who looks at him sideways. And what’s tiring is you turning to a bottle of alcohol every second of the day! THAT’s what’s tiring!!! And now I find out your visiting a cathouse??? What’s into you, boy?”

“Y’know, Pa. I am 32 years old. I think I can decide what I do, what I drink and how I act.” Adam said. “It’s none of your damn business.”

“YOU are my damn business!!! I’m not going to sit by and watch you turn yourself into the town drunk!” Ben yelled. “You are a sulky, nasty, and hurtful person lately, Adam, and it’s all because of your INSISTANCE on keeping your mouth glued to a liquor bottle!”

Adam’s dark eyes winced in pain and Ben drew back, suddenly very sorry.

“You don’t have to tell me what I am, Pa.” Adam said. “I already know.”

“Adam,” Ben fumbled, grabbing his arm. “I didn’t say that’s what you were. I said that’s what that alcohol is turning you into. Heaven knows, I think you are one of the kindest, most decent men I…”

“Pa, stop. Ok?” Adam said.

“Adam!” Roy called from down the street. He headed towards them, papers in his hands. Adam climbed back atop his horse.

“Adam,” Roy said as he approached. “There was a couple of men bushwhacked up near Placerville yesterday. Four men did it, sounds like something similar to you and Joe.”

“No.” Adam said. “They were heading to Mexico.”

“Well, take a look at these pictures and see if one of ‘em at least don’t spark a memory somewhere.” Roy waved the papers up to him.

“I never saw their faces, Roy, so why bother to look at them?”

“Well, what’s it gonna hurt?” the sheriff continued. “Just take a look. Billy West, Troy Nickerson, Joshua Humphry and Stuart Pauly….them’s their names. You hear any of those names that night?”

Ben watched Adam as Roy read. His son was growing uncomfortable in his saddle and his face was growing pale.

“Son?” he said gently. “Are you all right?”

“They never said any names, Roy.” Adam said, his eyes on the road before him. “I have to go.”

“They never said any names at all, yet they spoke about Mexico?”

“No, they didn’t and yes, they did.” Adam said. He shifted his hat.

“Well, they’re on these boys’ tails anyway. They think they’re holed up just outside Silver City Junction.” Roy said. “Only problem is, sheriff up there doesn’t think there’s enough evidence to win a trial even if they catch ‘em.”

“What about the men they bushwhacked?” Ben asked. “Can’t they testify?”

“This time, their targets weren’t so lucky. They’re both dead, beaten senseless. Seems one lasted just long enough to say there was four of ‘em.” Roy said. “That’s why I thought they could be the same men that attacked you and Joe.”

“How does anyone know who these men are if the men they robbed are dead?” Ben asked.

“Little Shoshone woman they bought from some traders up in the mountains.” Roy said. “She claims these boys have done this type of thing before. The boot of it is, the Placerville sheriff don’t think her testimony will hold up in court against these men seein’ how its her word against theirs right now. ”

Ben looked up to his son just as he kicked his horse into a run.

“ADAM!!!” he called, but Adam tore up the street.

“Quite a coincidence, Ben, that there were four of ‘em.” Roy said. “And that there were four men who robbed your boys.”

“What are you trying to say, Roy?”

“Nothin’ Ben. I just think it’s awful funny Adam wouldn’t even look at their pictures.”

“Well, I’m sure if Adam thought he could help, he would.”

“I’d like to think so, too, but that boy just doesn’t seem himself lately.” Roy said.

Ben sighed and shook his head. “He’s been preoccupied, that’s for sure.”

“Well, at least he don’t have half the county mad like your youngest does.” Roy said. “I swear, Ben, that boy is gonna get himself killed if he don’t stop. Just last night, I broke up a fight between him and Bill Clemens! Those boys are friends, Ben! I ain’t never seen Joe so angry. I think if I hadn’t shown up, Joe’d a killed him then and there.”

“Joe did this?” Ben said.

“Joe did this.” Roy nodded. “Ben, it was as if I didn’t even know him. He was like a wild animal.”

Ben brought his hands to his face, feeling like the whole world was collapsing around him. Both of them. He was losing both of them.

“I’m sorry to worry you, Ben, but you’re his father.” Roy said. “I suppose you have the right to know.”

“Thank you, Roy.” he said, walking blindly away, eyes filling with tears.

Ben stopped by the Clemen’s house to check on Bill and offer compensation for his son’s actions. Even Bill couldn’t believe what happened. He refused any money and told Ben he was sorry about Little Joe. Ben rode home and retreated to his desk, hoping he would have no more visitors that day. He wanted no more bad news than he already had.

The afternoon hours ticked slowly away and the gnawing began to grow in Ben’s stomach. He hadn’t seen any of his sons since Adam left him that morning. They hadn’t even come home for lunch. He began to pace the floor and watch the clock. When Hoss and Joe finally came through the door, Ben’s relief was far from complete.

“Where’s your brother?” Ben asked. “And why are you two late for dinner?”

“I ain’t seen Adam since he left, Pa.” Hoss said. “He was supposed to meet us down at the corral at noon, but he never did. And we’re late ‘cuz we had a little mishap at the mill. Nothin’ to worry about though.”

Ben noticed Joe re-buckling his gun belt and reaching for the coat he had just hung by the door.

“And where do you think you’re going?”

“I’m going to find Adam.” Joe said.

“Oh no you’re not.” Ben said. “You turn around and sit at that table this instant.”

“What if he’s in trouble?” Joe asked, straightening his hat.

“Adam is not in trouble. He’s mad at me, so he’s blowing off steam somewhere.” Ben said. “Now take off your coat and sit down! You and I have some talking to do, too.”

“I’ll just go in to town to check….” Joe began.

“YOU aren’t going anywhere until you prove to me you can keep that temper of yours in check!” Ben said. “I heard about Bill Clemens last night!”

Joe pursed his lips and took off his hat.

“That behavior is totally unacceptable.” Ben said. “I won’t stand for you OR your brothers, behaving that way and I don’t care how old you are! I am still your father and you are still living under MY roof. Now SIT! We’re going to have a nice dinner if it kills me. And I am going to get to the bottom of all this here and NOW.”

Hoss and Joe both walked meekly to the table and sat.

“First thing’s first.” Ben said. “Joseph. I want you to tell me what happened the night you boys were robbed – and tell the whole story, not just part of it.”

Joe shrugged, eyes not leaving his plate. “We were robbed.”

“I know you were robbed,” Ben said. “But something else must’ve happened to you boys. You changed overnight.”

“We got beat up.” Joe said.

“Joe, I’m not playing a game here.” Ben said. “I want to know what happened! Now tell me!”

Joe sat still and silent.

“Dagblastit, Joe!” Hoss said. “We just wanna help you.”

Joe put his head to the table.

“Joseph,” Ben said. “Adam. He’s wasting away in front of my eyes. He’s not eating. He’s not talking. He’s living off a whiskey bottle. You know! You’ve seen him. Tell me. If not for yourself, tell me for him. Let me help him, Joe. Please. ”

Joe sat back up with tears rolling down his cheeks. “I can’t, Pa.” he said.

“Joe,” Ben said frantically, grabbing his hand. “Why? Why can’t you tell me?”

“I just can’t.” he said and stood. He hung his head as he walked to the stairs.

“Joseph,” Ben stood. “I’m not through talking with you.”

“You have to be, Pa,” he said sadly. “Cuz I’m not talking anymore.”

“Joe, please!” Ben called, watching helplessly as his son left his sight.

“What do you think happened to them, Pa?” Hoss said. “What could be so terrible?”

Ben didn’t answer him. He wept in his hands.

 

 

VI

Ben awoke with a start. He had dreamt of his boys. They were laughing and happy, cavorting around the lake like they had the day he had watched them from the hillside last summer. Hoss and Adam threw Joe’s hat between them, racing in and out of the water like children as their brother chased after them. In the dream, however, when Ben trotted to the shore, he couldn’t find them. Adam didn’t smile “Hi, Pa.” Joe didn’t splash him with water. Hoss didn’t try to pull him off his horse for a swim. This time, a man in a black buggy rode up the shoreline, yelling “Don’t look in the lake! Don’t look in the lake!” Ben shouldn’t have looked. His sons lay motionless on the surface of the still black water. They had drown in front of him and Ben had done nothing to save them.

Ben wiped the sweat from his forehead and neck. It was nearly freezing outside, but the terror in his heart made him hot and nauseous. He had been waiting for Adam and fell asleep in his chair by the fire. Now it was 7 o’clock in the morning. His neck was stiff, his head ached and his oldest son still hadn’t come home.

Joe had come down in the middle of the night and had fallen asleep on the couch beside his father. Ben reached over and gently brushed his face with his strong hand. Part of Ben wished they were children again – Adam, Hoss, Joe. He always knew what to do when they were little. A kiss or some soothing words would stop their tears. A ride to town or a bedtime story could ease a broken heart. Those things didn’t work anymore. Those things were never done anymore. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d told them he loved them.

And when they were little, he always knew where they were. There was none of this waiting all night for their return or getting up early just to catch a glimpse of them. If he could just keep all of them here beside him, just like Joe was now, things would be all right. Ben laughed at himself. They were grown men, for heaven’s sake – grown men capable of making their own decisions and as Adam had reminded him, capable of choosing their own course in life. How could he expect them to cater to his wishes all the time? Perhaps these recent problems were due to his inability to let them go. Perhaps it was his high expectations that made Adam and Joe feel so guilty for losing that money. He’d always tried to teach them the value of a dollar. Maybe he went overboard. Maybe he went overboard on everything. Maybe he shouldn’t have driven them so hard all these years. Maybe he should have been more patient, more loving, more understanding. Perhaps then, Adam and Joe would see fit to come to him instead of withdrawing into their own private hell.

Hoss trudged down the stairs, bleary-eyed, his hair in all different directions. Ben smiled up at him, grateful at least one of his sons had stayed home on that trip. What would he do if Hoss was going through this, too?

“Adam ain’t come home, Pa?” Hoss said.

“No,” Ben sighed. “But he’s stayed out all night before, so I’m not going to get too worried over it.”

“Well, I’m gonna go look for him.” Hoss said. “Soon’s I get somethin’ to eat, I’ll head out.”

“What good will it do?” Joe asked from the couch. “He doesn’t want to be here anymore.”

“What makes you say that, Joe?” Hoss asked.

Ben stood. “Did he tell you that?”

“He didn’t have to.” Joe said softly. “I just know my brother.”

They heard the rumble of a horse and wagon come into the yard. All three men went to the door without hesitation. A young woman stood before them, bundled in a long wool coat and hat, nervously staring back at them.

“Joe. Hoss,” she smiled at them, then turned to Ben. “And you must be Mr. Cartwright.”

Ben stared at her in question. “Why yes, I am.”

“Pauline.” Joe nodded.

“Pa, this is Pauline,” Hoss said. “She works at the Silver Dollar a few nights a week.”

“And at the boarding house, Mr. Cartwright.” she added.

Ben felt a false smile freeze on his lips. He hoped he was showing no less to her than he would a neighbor’s daughter. “Well, please come in, my dear. You must be freezing.”

“I can’t.” she said and looked anxiously back at her buggy. “Adam.”

Ben stepped out on the porch and saw his oldest son floundering out of the carriage. He lost his footing and fell to the ground. Terrified he’d been hurt again, Ben raced out the door.

“Adam!” Hoss and Joe ran out after him.

Once he got to him, Ben lifted Adam by his arm and knew immediately Adam was drunk. Although his son’s recent drinking was no secret to him, Ben had never seen him like this – staggering, muttering, eyes half shut and lips jutted out as if he were sleeping. It shocked him. For an moment, Ben’s mind traveled back to Boston with memories of another man he had watched turn to alcohol for solace – Adam’s grandfather. He shuddered with the thought.

“You!” Adam pointed at him as he stumbled. ” Don’t you start yelling at me.”

Ben glared at his son, but held his tongue.

“And there’s my brother, Hoss!” Adam went on, leaning back against the carriage. “He’s a big guy, isn’t he, Pauline? He’s a tough one, he is!”

“He sure is, Adam.” Pauline said sadly.

“Hoss. Get him into the house.” Ben said.

“Sure thing.” Hoss said. “C’mon Adam.”

In one fell swoop, Hoss tossed Adam over his shoulder and headed for the front door. Ben could hear Adam protest, but he couldn’t watch him go in.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Cartwright,” the young girl said. “I…I just didn’t know what to do.”

“Don’t be sorry, Miss.” he said. “I’m the one who’s sorry you had to deal with him like this. Thank you for bringing him all the way out here.”

“I don’t mind.” she smiled at him.

“I’ll get one of the hands to see you back to town.” Joe said.

“I’d appreciate that, Joe.” she said.

“Get a coat and some shoes on before you do anything, Joseph.” Ben said. He took Pauline’s arm and tried to follow Joe into the house. “Please come in, Pauline, before you catch your death.”

“I’m warm and snug in this, Mr. Cartwright.” she wrapped her coat around her waist. “I’d like to speak to you alone, if I may.”

Ben nodded solemnly, worried about whatever she was going to tell him. He was struck by her, such a pretty girl, polite and graceful, seemingly with a heart of gold. Ben had a hard time believing she did what she did for a living, had a hard time believing that his son was actually paying this girl to abuse herself.

“Adam.” she began, flustered. “Adam is a friend of mine. He’s a good man, Mr. Cartwright. And I don’t want to seem like I’m tattling, but I really care about him. I’m afraid for him and I don’t know what to do.”

“Afraid for him?”

“He came to me at Kate’s a couple of weeks ago and wanted some…some spirits. He told me it was because he hurt so bad after the robbery. And maybe that is how it started, but…” she stopped and looked towards the house.

Ben paused and looked with her. The house was silent. Hopefully, that meant Adam had gone to bed. Ben wasn’t looking forward to seeing him in that state again. He turned back to Pauline.

“Go on.” he said gently.

“He’s coming more and more often, Mr. Cartwright.” she said. “He’s drinking a lot.”

Hoss walked past them towards the bunkhouse. He nodded politely.

“Where’s Joe?” Ben asked.

“He’s in with Adam.”

Ben waited until Hoss was out of sight before returning to his conversation.

“So he’s been coming to you for whiskey?”

Pauline nodded. “I think he’s ashamed to go anywhere else. He doesn’t want people to know. That’s why he comes so early in the morning.” she said. “And the reason I’m telling you this isn’t because he’s a problem. He’s not. In fact, he probably has the best manners of any man who’s ever set foot in that place. But this morning he came around 4:00. I knew he’d been drinking and I knew he was hurting, but I didn’t realize…”

The young woman closed her eyes and bowed her head.

“Didn’t realize what?”

“Maybe he didn’t know what he was saying. A lot of men don’t even remember what they say.”

“What did he say to you?” Ben prodded.

“He told me…he told me he wanted to die.” she said, sadly. “That’s when I knew the whiskey wasn’t for his broken ribs anymore.”

Ben stood frozen. He’d heard his sons say a lot of things, mean things, stupid things, rude things, but he’d never heard them say they didn’t want to live. He gasped.

“A lot of men say stuff like that, Mr. Cartwright.” she said. “They don’t mean it. But, hearing Adam say it scared me. He’s too serious, too honest a man. I can’t bear the thought of him feeling that way.”

“Neither can I.” Ben said softly. He stared at his front door, biting his lip. Dear God, Adam.

“I want him to feel better, that’s all.” she said. She stared up into Ben’s face with bright blue eyes. Ben could see tears in them. “I’ve grown pretty fond of him.”

Ben exhaled. “I thank you for telling me and I thank you for bringing him home.” he smiled as best he could. “And I understand why Adam came to you. You’re a lovely young woman. I haven’t been the most understanding of fathers, lately.”

She took his hand and put her gloved one gently over it. “Adam isn’t like this, Mr. Cartwright,” she said. “He’s going to work out whatever’s troubling him and be back to normal before you know it. The only problem then will be that I won’t see him anymore and I’ll miss him.”

Ben squeezed her hand as Hoss and Lenny joined them.

“Lenny’ll take you in, Pauline.” Hoss said and helped her back into the buggy. Lenny hitched his horse to the back and climbed in beside her.

They watched the wagon turn around and as it left the yard, Ben yelled, “Wait!!!”

He ran to Pauline’s side. “Pauline. How can I repay you?”

She leaned down and kissed his cheek. “Just get him better, Mr. Cartwright.”

Hoss walked over to him as the wagon disappeared. “What’d she say, Pa?”

Ben shook his head, his insides churning with fear and worry. “Adam’s hurting more than we know, Hoss.” he said.

“What’d Pauline tell you, Pa?” Hoss asked.

Ben looked into his face. His clear blue eyes brimmed with worry and sadness.

“Just that he’s hurting, son.” Ben said. Hoss didn’t need his heart torn apart like his had been.

The house was quiet when they returned. Adam sat in his chair, slumped forward, his elbows on his knees, his forehead resting on his palms. He swayed slightly as he rested and once, his hands slipped, sending his chin into his chest. He looked up for a moment, then leaned back and collapsed against the back of the chair, his eyes closed.

Joe watched him from the settee, his young face twisted in grief. He looked at his father and brother as they came in, but no words came from his mouth. Ben walked to Adam and put his hand on his shoulder.

“Son.” he said. “I think you need to go upstairs and sleep this off.”

Adam opened one eye. “I’m not sleepin’ it off, Pa.” he said. “I’m leavin’.”

“Leaving?” Ben said.

Adam nodded. “Soon’s I get up.”

“I told you he didn’t want to be here anymore.” Joe said.

“Joe, he doesn’t even know what he’s saying right now, for heaven’s sake.” Ben said. “He’s…”

“I know what I’m saying!” Adam said, pushing himself to an unsteady stand. He moved to the wall for support. “And I’m saying I’m leaving!”

“How are you going to leave when you can’t even stand up?” Ben asked.

“I can stand up fine.” Adam said and stood straight. He crossed his arms and lazily fell backwards into the hearth. It took him a second to regain his footing. “I just don’t want to right yet…”

“Take him to bed, Hoss.” Ben said, quietly. “I can’t bear to look at him like this.”

“Look at him!” Adam laughed slightly. “Look at you, Pa! The great Ben Cartwright! With a nasty drunk for a son! A rude one, too. Rude and nasty. And what else did you say I was, Pa?”

“C’mon, Adam.” Hoss took his arm. “We gotta get you upstairs.”

Adam ignored him. “Not what you thought I’d be, am I, Pa? You proud of me now? Or maybe you’re wishing I never came back.”

“Stop it, Adam!” Hoss yelled. “You stop it right now, you hear me?”

“No!” Adam said, pulling from him. He fell towards the floor, but caught himself before he did. “He wants me to talk so I’m talking! You want me to talk, don’t you, Pa?”

In a fit of sorrow and anger, Ben went for the cabinet in the dining room. He tore it open and gathered all the bottles inside it, then took his huge armload towards the front door. All three boys stood still as they watched him leave the house, bottles dropping and spilling as he went. He kicked one, sending it crashing into the door frame.

Ben marched outside and shoved the cover of the trash barrel aside. He threw the bottles in, smashing them all – the brandy, the whiskey, the fine carafes, the scotch from New York. He picked up the big pieces and smashed them again and again until all that was left was slivers of bright glass. He stopped to catch his breath, shaking with helplessness and frustration. He had ignored this too long and now it had gone too far. He wanted to cry, felt it bubble to his lips like a sneeze, but he gasped and caught his breath instead, then turned back to the house.

“You had no right to do that.” Adam said upon his return, still slouching and wavering, but trying to stand straight and tough. “Some of those were mine.”

“Look at yourself, Adam.” Ben said, fighting tears. “Is this what you want for your life?”

“Well, it’s MY life, Pa! Not yours! Ok?” Adam said.

“It’s NOT your life anymore, Adam, can’t you see that?” Ben yelled. “You’re losing your life to the bottle! This isn’t you! This is not my son!!!”

Adam huffed one solitary laugh, then frowned miserably. For a moment, he drifted off, deep in thought. “You guessed it, Pa.” he said sadly. “I don’t wanna be your son anymore.”

Adam would have done less damage if he’d punched Ben in the face. Ben drew back from him as if he had.

“Pa, he don’t mean it.” Hoss apologized for his brother. “You know he don’t.”

Adam stumbled to the staircase, oblivious to the stunned grief on his father’s and brothers’ faces. “I quit.” he said, then climbed the stairs slowly, unsteadily. “I quit all of it! I’m too tired. Too damn tired.”

Ben heard him fall upstairs, but didn’t move to help him.

“Pa.” Hoss choked and stepped forward, looking at the ceiling.

“Leave him be.” Ben said, then jumped in nervousness as Adam’s door slammed loudly above him.

Ben stood in silence with his two remaining sons. Both of them looked pale and sad, but neither of their faces could do justice to the pain that now coursed through Ben’s veins. He was losing not only his son, but his partner and his friend.

“He drinks because of me.” Joe said.

“What’re you talkin’ about?” Hoss said.

“It’s my fault.” Joe said.

“Of course it’s not your fault.” Ben said, still fighting his trembling. “Adam is the one who decided he needs this crutch, not you.”

“You don’t understand.” Joe said. “He can’t stand to look at me. It makes him remember too much.”

“Remember what?” Ben asked.

“Joe.” Hoss walked over to him. “What happened?”

“He thinks if you knew, it’d hurt you more.” Joe answered, his voice barely above a whisper.

Ben ran his hands threw his hair. “Knew what, Joe? What could possibly hurt me more than what I’ve heard tonight?”

Joe closed his eyes and shook his head. “He has to tell you Pa. And right now, I have to go.”

“Go? Go where?” Ben asked.

“I don’t know yet.” Joe said.

“You ain’t goin’ nowhere, Little Joe.” Hoss said.

“I’m going to do what I should’ve done a long time ago.” Joe said. “And neither one of you are going to stop me, so don’t even try.”

Ben watched, for the second time that morning, as one of his sons left him in anguish at the bottom of the stairs.

“He ain’t gonna tell me I can’t stop him cuz I’ll….” Hoss said, clamoring angrily after him.

“Hoss!” Ben ran up the stairs and stopped him.

“But, Pa…”

“Go out and get his horse ready.” Ben said.

“What?!”

“Go out and get his horse ready.” Ben repeated. He smiled gently at Hoss, then followed after his youngest son. Joe’s door was open and Ben could see him furiously packing an overnight bag.

“Pa.” he said without looking up. “There’s nothing you can say that’s gonna keep me from going.”

“Are you going after those men?” Ben asked.

Joe took a shirt from his bureau, rolled it and put it in his bag. “I’ll be back in a few days. Maybe a week.”

“Well, this day keeps getting better all the time.” Ben said.

“Listen, Pa.” Joe walked to him. “I promise you, when I get back, everything is gonna be all right.”

“Do you think killing those men is going to cure anything, Joe?”

“Pa. You talk about trust all the time.” Joe said. “I know I probably don’t deserve it lately, but trust me on this. They aren’t who I’m looking for.”

“Then who?”

Joe picked up his bag, then looked his father, his green eyes filled with sincerity. “I won’t let you down, Pa.”

Ben sighed and sat on Joe’s bed. On it, Marie’s quilt still lay, faded yet unscathed by rips or stains. Ben ran his hand across its softness. “Joseph.” he said. “Sit down.”

Joe hesitated, but joined his father on the bed. Ben smiled.

“You know, your mother had a habit of carrying things inside her; burdens she didn’t want to trouble me with, secrets she thought might hurt me.” he told his son. “I used to have to fight at times to get her to share things with me.”

“Pa, I…”

“You’re a lot like your mother, Joe.”

“Pa, please.” Joe said. “I can’t tell you anything right now, just trust me.”

“Joe.” Ben said and took his hand. “I’m trying to tell you that I believe in you.”

Joe looked at him. “Even after everything I’ve done?”

“What you’ve done doesn’t change who I know you are.” Ben said.

Joe smiled and his eyes lit up. It was the first genuine smile Ben had seen on the boy’s face in a long time.

“Thank you, Pa.”

“That’s not saying I’m not going to worry.” Ben said. “I’d feel much better if you took Hoss with you.”

Joe shook his head.

“So you’re going to really make me worry, huh?”

Joe nodded and got up to leave. “Bye, Pa.”

“Goodbye, Joe.” Ben said.

Joe left the room and Ben could hear his footsteps go down the stairs and out the front door. He wished he could forbid him to go. That would keep him safe. But Joe was 20 years old now and it was time to stop talking of trust and time to actually do it. He believed in Joe. Maybe the boy really could turn things around again. He prayed for his safe return, then panicked. Ben got up and ran through the house, praying he’d catch Joe before he left.

“Joe?!” he yelled. There was no sign of his horse. “JOE!?”

Joe came from the barn, leading his pinto. “Yeah, Pa?”

Ben exhaled in relief. ” I forgot to tell you,” he said. “Have a safe trip.”

Joe smiled at him and left him with a wave.

Ben stood out in the cold, very anxious and very frightened. He could only hope he was doing the right thing.

 

VII

 

Adam opened his eyes and rolled over to look out the window. The sky was filled with huge, gray, fair-weather clouds – the kind of clouds that brought a crisp, clean day with brown and red leaves clattering at your feet and the smell of pumpkin pie enticing you to the kitchen. Adam loved this type of day. Too bad he felt too horrible to enjoy it.

As if his headache and dry mouth weren’t punishment enough, Adam also had to contend with what he’d said and done the night before. He remembered most of the night and couldn’t believe he allowed himself to be seen in that condition. Was it worth it? Was the alcohol covering up the pain or was it just adding layer after layer of things to be ashamed of?

He got slowly out of his bed. Joe would be the first one he’d speak with. He knew Joe blamed himself for his condition and it was wrong of him to let Joe feel that way any longer. Joe was the innocent in all this – a young man in the wrong place at the wrong time. He had nothing to feel guilty over. Adam wished he could say the same for himself.

His father sat at the table as he came down the stairs. He didn’t look up at him, so Adam made a beeline for the door as quietly as possible. Adam couldn’t remember everything he’d said to him the night before and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know or not. Right now, he had to find Joe.

“Adam.” his father said from behind him.

“Hi, Pa.” Adam said with wide eyes. “You don’t know where Joe is, do you?”

“He’s not here.” Ben said.

“Where’d he go?” Adam asked.

Ben exhaled. “I don’t know.” he said. “He said he’d be gone for a few days, maybe a week.”

“What?! And you don’t know where he went??” Adam asked, suddenly terrified, suddenly sick.

“He told me to trust him, Adam and I did.” Ben said. “What else was there for me to do?”

“Well, you could’ve stopped him!” Adam furiously buckled his gun belt. “You just let him go by himself?!?”

“I’ve let him go by himself before!” Ben said.

Adam put on his hat and coat. He had to go find his brother. They couldn’t hurt him again.

” I’m leaving.” he said.

“I want to have a talk with you before you do anything.”

“There’s no time for that, don’t you understand???” Adam snapped.

Ben took his shoulders. “Calm down, Adam. Joe told me…”

Adam knocked his father’s hands from him. “They’ll kill him, Pa!! And you just let him go just like that!”

Adam ran out of the house, ignoring the protests of his father. Ben ran after him and grabbed his arm. “You wait just a minute, Adam!” he yelled.

Adam stopped short as Roy Coffee pulled into the yard.

“Adam!” Roy yelled upon seeing him.

“I have to go, Roy.” Adam pulled from his father and stomped towards the barn.

“Not until you hear what I have to say.” Roy slid from his horse and stepped in front of him.

Adam stopped reluctantly. “What is it that’s so important?”

“Those men I told you about?” Roy asked. “They’ve been caught. Two of them anyway. The other two were killed trying to get away.”

Adam swallowed and closed his eyes. If that was true, and if those were the men, then Joe was safe. He exhaled.

“Now I know you said these men weren’t the same as attacked you and Joe.” Roy said. “And I know you said you don’t know anything about them.”

“And?” Adam asked.

“Look at these posters, Adam.” Roy pulled them from his vest. Adam glanced at the top one. He saw “WANTED”, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually look at the picture. “If they don’t get another witness in this case, the other two are gonna get off scott free.”

Adam took a deep breath and looked over at his father who had joined them.

“Go on, son, look at the pictures.” Ben said. “You may remember if you see one of them.”

Adam looked away. A coward.

“Adam.” Roy went on. “The prosecutor told the sheriff if there’s no more evidence, then there’s no way a jury’s gonna convict ‘em. Nobody’s gonna take the word of an Indian woman against white men – ‘specially since one of ‘em’s the son of a preacher. And they left no other evidence. Now if these are the men that attacked you and you testify to that, these two that are left will be put away for life.”

Adam drew in his breath and held out his hand for the pictures. Roy placed them in his open hand. When Adam looked upon the black and white pages, he could hear their voices.

““Well, lookie here! We got ourselves a couple a Cartwrights! Bet old Ben won’t be so high and mighty after we get done with his boys, will he?”

“You think yer better ‘n everybody, don’t you, Cartwright? Ya filthy injun lover. I oughtta tie you to my horse and drag you clear to Californey.”

“Too good for him, Troy. We gotta make him suffer first. Knock my teeth out, will you? I say we kill the little one real slow in front of the son of a bitch.”

“Hey, Billy, let’s bring ‘em back to the cabin! Make ‘em wish they weren’t never born.”

“Yeah! We can give ‘em a little goin’ away party!”

“We’ll see if he loves injuns as much as his little brother….”

Adam stumbled backwards and shook his head. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe.

“Adam.” his father had his shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

“Tell them I’ll testify.” Adam said and threw the pages to the ground. He looked at their faces one last time before retreating to the barn. He knew he had a couple of bottles in there somewhere and he couldn’t wait for their comfort any longer.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ben watched his son close the door to the barn without another word.

“I’ve gotta talk to that boy, Ben.” Roy walked after him. “I have to know more about what he remembers.”

“No!” Ben pulled him back, though his eyes never left the barn. “He’s done enough for today.”

“But Ben…”

“No, Roy!” Ben said. “He’ll talk when he’s ready.”

“Well, he better be ready before Friday.” Roy said. He turned back to his horse, then stopped and turned back to Ben. He patted Ben’s shoulder in compassion. “You tell him, Ben.. I don’t know what he’s been through so I don’t hold nothing against him.”

Ben nodded, aching for his oldest son. He wanted desperately to go inside that barn and beg Adam to talk, but he didn’t. Ben went to the porch and sat. He stared at the barn door knowing full well whatever happened to his boys had been severe, whatever they had lived through had nearly destroyed them. Ben shuddered at the thoughts racing through his mind and found himself making a tight fist, wishing he could drive it into the faces of the monsters who hurt them.

Ben sat in the coolness of the afternoon, the only sounds the squirrels scolding each other in the trees above him. He waited for what seemed like hours for Adam to come out, but there was no sign of any life within the barn – no sign until he heard a loud crash inside. Ben stood up. Another crash. It sounded like windows breaking. He walked towards the noise, towards his son….

“NO MORE!!!” he heard Adam yell, then the smashing of glass again.

Ben quickened his pace and ran.

When he reached the inside, Ben could see a huge wet splotch on the far wall of the barn. Broken glass scattered beneath it. The necks of two or three broken bottles lay on the dirt floor. What would have enraged Ben before, now brought a lump to his throat. Adam sat on the ground and rocked himself slightly – so slightly no one else but Ben would have noticed. Ben hadn’t seen him do that since he was five.

“Oh, Adam.” Ben ran to him and knelt before him. He took his son’s cold hands in his. “Adam. Son. Please talk to me. Please tell me.”

Adam maneuvered himself away from his father and shook his head. “Adam, I beg you. Talk to me! Tell me what has caused you this pain!”

Adam stood. “I can’t, Pa! Don’t you understand?!?!”

“No, I don’t!!!” Ben cried, standing to face his son. “You ask me to understand yet you refuse to tell me what has done this to you!”

Adam tried to move away, but Ben grabbed his shoulders to keep his attention.

“Adam, look at me.” Ben said, shaking him. Adam’s head hung low, his eyes half closed in misery. “LOOK AT ME!!!”

Adam’s dark eyes slowly rose to view his father. In them, Ben could see the shame, the guilt, the sorrow his son had tried to hide for so long. He tried to hug him and bring him close, but Adam pushed him back.

“Please, Adam!” Ben could feel his throat filling with tears. “I’m your father. Let me help you.”

“There is no help, Pa.” Adam choked.

“Of course there is!” Ben tried to smile, his nerves making his voice shaky. “We’ll find help for whatever’s hurting you, son. I promise. I will help you. I…. I’ll do anything! Anything, Adam!”

Ben fought them, but tears filled his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. “Don’t let it take you from me, Adam. Don’t let me lose my son to this.” he brushed his face with the palm of his hand.

Adam stepped back, stung by the sight of his father’s tears. “Pa. I’m sorry.” he said sadly. “I won’t drink anymore. I promise. I got rid of all of it. Please, Pa. Don’t do this.”

“Adam.” Ben said, clearing himself of his tears. “All that is well and good, but what I want is to have my son back.”

Adam shook his head solemnly. He walked past his father towards the open door and into the rain that now fell lightly outside. Ben ran after him and took his hand.

“Adam.” he gave one final try. “Whatever happened…. I know my son.”

Adam’s eyes closed tightly.

“And my son is a decent, just and good man.” Ben said, he turned Adam’s face to look into his eyes. “And I have never lost faith in my son, nor will I. Never, Adam.”

“Pa.” Adam said, softly. “That son is gone.”

Ben watched his son disappear into the house. He stood for a moment, then collapsed in a heap of raw nerves upon the barrel beside the barn. He sat while the rain ran its course and sat while the sun traveled across the sky. He sat while the fullness of his stomach turned into a low growl. And he sat as a blanket of helplessness filled his mind, body and soul. Ben Cartwright could build an empire, bring down corrupt politicians and stop cattle rustlers. He could track a mountain lion, survive in a blizzard and save a calf from a roaring river. Ben Cartwright could do whatever he set his mind to do, but Ben Cartwright could not help his son.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joe stood outside in the lonely street. The town was dark, its only life coming from the saloon. He could hear the piano and the laughter half a block away. He was lucky to have gotten a room. The cold rain would drive anyone with the means to the nearest town. Joe looked up at the sign before him: “Placerville Jail”. His stomach lurched. He knew they were in there.

A light shown from the office and inside, Joe could see the sheriff – a big, booming man with snow white hair like his father’s. He was busy at his desk, his glasses to the tip of his nose, reading a piece of paper. The big man looked up to Joe and Joe ducked to the side of the window, his heart beating madly in his chest.

“Can I help you?” the sheriff asked, sticking his head out the door.

Joe exhaled. He’d been seen. He smiled awkwardly at the sheriff. “I…I..” Joe began.

“Out with it, boy. What do you want?”

“I… Roy Coffee from Virginia City.” Joe said. “He told me you might be able to tell me the whereabouts of a Shoshone woman. Her English name is Sarah. I don’t know what her people call her.”

The sheriff’s brow furrowed. “What do you want with Sarah?”

Joe didn’t know what to say. His feet shuffled nervously on the old wood of the porch. “I’d like to talk to her if I could.” Joe said.

The sheriff came out and shut the door behind him. “You a friend of hers, are you?”

Joe nodded. “Kind of.” he said. “I just… I just want to see that she’s all right. I…I have to talk to her.”

The sheriff studied him. “What’d you say your name was, boy?”

“Joe Cartwright.” he answered. “Of the Ponderosa.”

The sheriff nodded in recognition. “Yes.” he said. “I’ve met your father.”

Joe sighed in relief.

“I’ll tell you what, son.” the sheriff said. “You come back here first thing in the morning. I’ll have Sarah here to see you if she wants to come. But, I can’t tell you where she is right now. She’s a witness in an upcoming murder trial. I can’t risk her safety.”

“I understand.” Joe said. “I appreciate your help, Sheriff.”

Joe walked back to his room, wondering if he would be able to sleep at all that night. He lay down upon the hard mattress with visions of that night racing through his mind. Sarah was the only other person on this earth who knew the hell that he and Adam knew. She was the only person on this earth who had seen worse than they did. He fell asleep praying she’d be there to speak to him the next day.

In the morning, he rose early and shaved. What little facial hair he had was beginning to make his face look dirty. He hadn’t shaved for almost a week. He smiled picturing what Adam would look like after a week without shaving. Probably couldn’t even see his mouth, he thought. He put on his clean white shirt and tried to press the wrinkles out with his hand. It didn’t matter, he told himself, he’d have his jacket on anyway. He walked quickly to the sheriff’s office, thankful the rain had stopped and he wouldn’t be ringing wet for his meeting.

As he turned the corner, he saw her sitting outside on the bench in front of the jail. Joe stood motionless, afraid Sarah would scream or cry at the sight of him. Maybe seeing him would hurt her even more than she’d already been hurt. She sat staring onto the lifeless street, wrapped in a wool blanket and dressed in the clothes a young white girl would wear. She turned her head, her eyes widening at the sight of him.

“Joe!” she called. She threw her blanket from her back and ran to him, her arms outstretched in front of her. She fell into his arms.

“Joe,” she sighed. “I thought it was not you when sheriff told me. I thought it could not be!”

Joe put his hands to her hair and held her closely. “It’s me, Sarah.” he said. “Thank goodness you’re all right.”

“And you!” she cried. “I saw the fire. I thought you died within the fire. I thought Adam died within, too.”

Her brown eyes traveled over Joe’s face. “Adam.” she said, anxiously. “Is he not dead?”

“No.” Joe said solemnly. “He’s not dead.”

Sarah smiled. “I am happy he is not.” she said. She took Joe’s hand. “Sit. We shall talk here.”

Joe sat beside her on the bench, his insides still a tangled mess of nerves and pain.

“It makes you sad to see me.” she told him.

“I’m only sad, Sarah, because I remember.” he said.

She nodded. “But that is past. We are here now. We are alive. That is what matters.”

Joe tried to smile. “I needed to see you, Sarah. I needed to know that you were all right. Adam needs to know, too.”

She nodded. “And Adam is sad, too?”

“Yes. Very much so.” Joe answered. “Adam remembers.”

“They hurt him.” she said. “Their souls will go to the dark place. They are evil men who enjoy another’s pain.”

“Adam thinks he is evil, too, Sarah.” Joe said. “Because of what he had to do.”

Sarah’s eyes drew close in question. “Adam?”

“He didn’t want to hurt you, Sarah.” Joe said. “It’s killing him inside. It’s killing me.”

“No.” she said. “You and Adam gave the only kindness I received on that night. He did not hurt me.”

Joe swallowed hard. “He didn’t?”

“They kicked him. They hit him. They burnt him to make him hurt me.” She said. “He would not.”

“But I thought after they put the gun in my mouth…”

Sarah exhaled and bowed her head. “Those evil men could not make Adam evil.” she said. “He did not commit the crimes they committed. He took me to his arms and kissed my face. He told me not to cry. He held me close to him until I found the strength to flee.”

“But he thought he…”

“He did not.” she said. “They hurt him so badly he did not know where he was, but he did not hurt me. He found sleep in my arms.”

“Then why didn’t they kill me?” Joe asked.

“Drunkenness. They did not know that Adam didn’t do as they wished.” she said. “They set fire to kill you instead.”

Joe’s breath began to escape him. All these days spent so needlessly in pain. And Adam…. poor Adam.

“Sarah, come with me.” he took her shoulders. “Come with me to see my brother. He has to see you. He has to know this.”

Sarah nodded. “I long to see him as well.” she said. “So many nights I’ve cried over his death and over yours. I would want to stop his hurt. He was so very kind to me.”

Joe told the sheriff that he was taking Sarah back to the Ponderosa and although he did not like the idea, the sheriff allowed it. Joe had to promise she would be back in time for the trial six days later and he had to promise he would let nothing harm her. This was something the sheriff didn’t have to ask. Joe would defend this woman with his life.

 

VIII

 

Adam left Roy’s office the next day, his strength worn, his sorrow unrelieved. At least those men would never be able to see the light of day again. Adam’s shame was still strong, however – he had not told Roy everything. He had not told Roy the most horrible part. And he had not told him in time to save the lives of those other men. Two more crimes to hang on Adam’s conscience.

He walked to his horse and looked over at the saloon. A beer would be nice. After the other night, however, Adam decided it would be a while before a beer could grace his lips again. Besides, he had promised his father he wouldn’t drink and he wasn’t going to hurt him any more than he already had.

“Adam!” came from up the street.

Pauline lifted her skirts and ran down the walkway towards him. Adam waited patiently.

“Adam,” she said, out of breath. “It’s so good to see you.”

“And you, Pauline.” he tipped his hat. “You look beautiful, if I may say so.”

A broad smile brightened her pretty face. “Of course you may, Adam Cartwright.”

She held her hand out for him to take and when he took it, she jerked him towards the alley. Once in the seclusion of the buildings, she pulled him close to her and took his hands in hers. “I’ve been so worried about you, Adam.” she said.

“I’m better, Pauline.” he smiled.

“Are you sure?”

He nodded and winked at her. She gazed up at him, her blue eyes brimming with emotion. Adam grinned in shyness, then was smacked with the sudden impulse to kiss her. Nervous, he took a step back to escape the urge, but it did no good. Pauline followed.

“Your bruises are healing.” she said, solemn and intent on him. “Tell me you don’t hurt anymore.”

“I’m ok.” he said.

“You’re lying.”

“You and my father,” he teased. “Would make a lovely pair.”

“How about me and your father’s oldest son?” she asked, her eyes still fixed on his. She pressed herself against him and he backed into the cedar shingles of the general store. She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Let me help you, Adam. Let me kiss your hurts away.”

“Pauline…” he protested weakly. It had been so long since he’d felt a woman near him, so long since he’d been kissed, so long since he’d been captivated by the rush of desire. He began to tremble. He closed his eyes and her lips met his with such warmth and wetness, it sent him reeling. She kissed him passionately and he drew her into his arms, engulfing her lips with both tenderness and ardor. A month of tension, of sorrow, of pain slipped from his body and he knew nothing else but the excruciating longing he swam in right now.

“Oh, Adam…”she broke breathlessly from his lips to kiss his neck. “I’ve wanted you for so long….”

Adam rested his head against the wall and for a moment, all he knew was the bliss of passion. He opened his eyes to find her lips once again and from the corner of his eye, he saw the black and white of Joe’s pinto pass by the alley. Behind him on a dappled mare, was Sarah. Adam’s heart stopped. He pulled himself from Pauline.

“Adam,” she whined. “What…”

“Shhhh.” he put one finger to his lips and moved to the end of the alley-way, making sure he was not seen. He could hear Joe asking Roy where he was.

“The last I saw of him, he was with the young lady from Kate’s.” Roy told Joe. “You might not see him for a while, I’d expect.”

“Well, could you tell him I’m looking for him?” Joe asked. “I’ll be at the house.”

“Sure thing, Little Joe.”

“That’s your brother.” Pauline whispered.

Adam nodded, then placed his hand on her mouth gently. She kissed his palm and he smiled at her.

Adam listened as the horse hooves softened with distance. He exhaled.

“Why didn’t you want to see Joe?” Pauline asked.

Adam slid down to sit on the cold ground. Sarah. He put his face in his hands. What had he done to her?

“Adam,” Pauline coaxed as she knelt beside him. “Talk to me.”

He took her hands in his and kissed them. “Pauline,” he said. “There are things you don’t know, things you’ll never know. I’m not what you think I am.”

She brushed the hair from his brow. “You’re everything I think you are and more.” She dotted his forehead and eyes with kisses. “Come with me, Adam. For the rest of the day, the rest of the night – no money, no strings, nothing but you and I. Alone. Let me love you for just one day.”

Adam pushed himself up. “I can’t, Pauline.”

Pauline righted herself, slightly angry. “Why? Because I’m a whore?”

Adam stared at her, stunned by her words. She stood proud and hurt, straightening the satin of her blue gown. “I’m not good enough for Adam Cartwright, am I?”

Adam shook his head, stoically. He brought his hand to her face and caressed her cheek lovingly. “I’m not good enough for you, Pauline.” he said. He dropped his hand and went for his horse, but she grabbed him.

“You don’t have to come with me, Adam.” she said with tears in her eyes. “But you listen to what I have to say.”

He turned to hear her, regretful he had wounded yet another person.

” I knew a man once.” she said, fending off sobs. “He was good and kind and honest as the day was long. And he was handsome – so handsome women would turn and look at him as he walked by. The same way they do you, Adam.”

Pauline walked a few paces away and wiped her eyes. She turned back to Adam, noble and angry. “He married a young woman and they had a son. Well, this man decided he couldn’t bear to bring his boy up in poverty, so he brought his family west to strike it rich. They didn’t make a lot of money, but they were very happy. Then one day, their little boy died. He came down with a fever one night and passed before they could get to a doctor.”

She inhaled sharply and stared at Adam.

“After that, the man drank. He said he felt so guilty about bringing his son to the wilderness that he couldn’t bear it. He said he drank to stop the pain, stop the guilt.” Pauline began to weep. “And the last thing he said to me before he left was ‘I’m not good enough for you.’”

Adam pulled her into his arms and she quieted her tears as he brushed her long hair with his fingertips. “I’m so sorry.” he soothed. “I didn’t realize.”

“I didn’t tell you this to feel badly for me, Adam.” Pauline looked up to him, tears still streaming down her face. “I told you to teach you a lesson.”

“But it’s not the same thing, Pauline. Your husband – he had no reason to feel guilty. He couldn’t stop what happened. He didn’t have the power to.”

“Did you?” she asked. “Did you have the power to stop whatever it is that’s killing you?”

Adam thought for a moment. Did he? He remembered Joe, sitting there, hands tied behind his back, a rifle barrel shoved in his mouth. We’ll kill him, Cartwright. We’ll blow the back of his head clean off….

“No.” Adam buried his face in her hair. “I didn’t.” His subtle tears mixed into her brown curls. The two of them stood in silence for a moment, motionless, each other’s touch their only solace. Adam wanted nothing more than to spend the day in this woman’s arms.

“See?” she said, brushing his face with her soft hand. “I told you you’re everything I think you are.”

Adam smiled gently, then squeezed her hand. “I have to go home, Pauline. I have to straighten out a few things. Let me walk you home.”

“I think I can find my way since it’s right over there.” she grinned and fiddled with his collar. “But you should know – my offer still stands, Mr. Cartwright.”

He bent to her lips. “I’ll be sure to take you up on it.” He kissed her – one soft, smooth, sweet, strong kiss. “Soon.”

He tipped his hat to her, then left her standing in the first hint of dusk. He stopped and waited on the sidewalk to make sure she made it home safely, then mounted his horse and headed for home. He knew Sarah was there with Joe and he knew the time had come to face her, but Adam didn’t know if the racing of his pulse was out of terror or elation. He guessed he would soon find out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ben and Hoss sat at the table together – Hoss with a snack, Ben with the newspaper. Ben’s eyes were on the words, but his mind was far away. Neither Joe nor Adam was home. This had always unnerved him, but tonight it sent pangs of fear though his chest. He wanted them back, safe and sound. And although it had only been a couple of days since he last saw Joe and only hours since Adam, Ben longed to see their faces as if they’d been gone for months.

“No word from Joe, huh, Pa?” Hoss asked.

“Nothing.” Ben said.

“Hope he found himself a room somewhere.” Hoss said with a mouthful of apple. “I’d hate to be sleepin’ out in this cold.”

Ben turned to him. “Thank you for easing my mind, Hoss.” he said, sarcastically.

“Listen.” Hoss sat up straight. “Somebody’s here.”

Ben and Hoss went outside. The relief that filled Ben’s veins was inexplicable. Joe was home. His son helped a young lady from her horse, then turned to smile at his family.

“I’m home.” Joe said.

Ben beamed. “That you are!” he said. “And boy, is it good to see you.”

“Sarah,” Joe led her towards them. “This is my father, Ben Cartwright and my brother, Hoss. Pa, Hoss. This is Sarah.”

The girl nodded graciously at Ben and bowed before him. Ben took her hand as Hoss tipped his hat.

“Our pleasure, Sarah.” Ben smiled.

Sarah’s eyes traveled over the yard in wonder. “I am very happy to meet you.” she answered. She looked at Joe. “Where is Adam?”

Joe looked at his father. “Adam’s not here?”

Ben shook his head. “Come inside and get something to eat.” he smiled. “We need to get you two warmed up.”

Ben followed his sons and this new woman into his home. She spoke very little as she studied the house. Ben noticed her eyes seemed much older than the rest of her.

The men made idle chatter as she and Joe ate a bowl of stew. The girl seemed worried and nervous, but at what, Ben did not know. He did his best to ease the tension, but she did nothing more than nod politely at him. Joe soon took her to the spare bedroom. When he returned, Ben and Hoss stood to meet him.

Joe’s eyes went from Ben to Hoss. “What?” he said.

“What?” Ben repeated. “Who is she?”

“She’s a girl Adam and I met.” Joe said. “She’s half Shoshone. She’s from up in the mountains.”

“So why’d you bring her here, Joe?” Hoss asked. “She in trouble?”

Joe shook his head.

“Scared little thing, ain’t she?” Hoss said.

“She’s the bravest woman I’ve ever met.” Joe answered.

“Well,” Hoss said. “I’m gonna go back there and see if there’s any of that stew left. This weather makes me hungry.”

Joe smiled. “Any weather makes you hungry.”

“You’re right there, little brother.” Hoss pat Joe’s back, then left for the kitchen.

Ben moved closer to his son. “This girl. She’s why you had to leave?”

Joe nodded. “She saved me, Pa.” he said. “She’s gonna save Adam, too.”

Ben hugged his youngest son. “I hope you’re right, Joe.” he said. “I hope you’re right.”

As the evening approached and wore on, Ben began to worry. Adam was still not back. Ben sat in his chair, hoping he hadn’t turned back to the bottle. He couldn’t take another night like the other one. His spirits lifted as he remembered Adam’s promise. If Adam promised he wouldn’t drink anymore, he wouldn’t. End of story. And when he heard Adam’s horse whinny outside, he jumped up to prove his worries wrong.

He found his oldest son still atop his chestnut horse in the yard.

“Adam?” Ben said.

Adam’s lips were drawn tight, his eyes deep and dark, staring straight through his father at the house.

“Adam, are you coming in?” Ben asked. “There’s a girl inside. The one you and Joe met on your trip.”

Adam didn’t answer. Ben saw his shoulders heave slightly. Adam remained atop his horse, who was making every effort to sway his rider towards the barn.

“Adam?”

“Don’t push me, Pa.” Adam snapped. “I’ll be in, in a minute.”

Ben sighed. He watched Adam get down and lead his horse to the barn, the door closing softly behind them. Light soon filled the window as Adam lit the lantern inside. Ben stood for a moment, deciding what to do next, then followed his oldest son. Adam was sliding the saddle from his horse’s back as Ben peered in. He scratched Sport’s ears fondly, then looked up at his father.

“Don’t worry, Pa.” he said. “I’m not drinking.”

“I didn’t come in here for that, Adam.” Ben said, slightly irritated. “I just wanted to tell you I was sorry. I didn’t mean to sound like I was pushing you out there.”

Adam sighed. He lifted a bundle of hay into the horse’s stall and picked up a brush. “I know you didn’t, Pa.” he told him. He stopped to glance humbly at his father. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. You didn’t deserve it.”

Ben swallowed and walked over to the stall. He lifted the extra bucket of water that he had poured earlier in front of Adam’s horse and rubbed his ears. He watched Adam’s hands glide over the animal tenderly and thankfulness warmed his heart. They were home. All of them were home. “I love you, Adam.” he said from nowhere.

Adam looked up at his father, slightly stunned. His eyes darted nervously around the barn and he scratched the back of his head. “I know, Pa.” he said. “Me, too.”

“Well,” Ben said. “Come inside before you catch cold.”

Inside the house were two more sons who needed to be reminded just how much they meant to their father.

“Pa!” Adam called.

Ben spun back around as he reached the door of the barn.

“Pa,” Adam’s face crumpled in pain, his voice almost a whine. “Pa, I need your help.”

“Adam,” Ben bolted for him. He hugged him quickly, then took his shoulders to see his face. His heart was pounding a million beats per minute. “Anything, Adam. Anything.”

“Promise me, Pa.” Adam said. Ben could see a dozen emotions graze his son’s face. “Promise me you’ll understand.”

“Dear God, Adam,” he gasped. “Of course I will.”

Adam walked to the middle of the barn. “You don’t know what I’ve done.” he said.

“Adam,” Ben said. “Whatever you’ve done, whatever has happened…you are my son. I love you no matter what. Don’t ever doubt that again.”

Adam wrung his hands and his face grew pale. For a moment, Ben wondered if he was going to get sick.

“Adam,” Ben said. “Tell me.”

Adam exhaled a shaky breath. “They came up on Joe and I while we were asleep. Must’ve been 9 or 10 o’clock.” he said. “We didn’t realize it until it was too late. They had everything – the horses, the money, our guns. One of them found papers with our name on it in the saddlebags. Seems they got a thrill from finding out we were Cartwrights.”

Ben eyes never left his son.

“I wasn’t going to fight.” Adam went on. “I figured four against two weren’t very good odds. But they were determined to take us down a few notches before they left. So we fought back and we fought pretty good, too. I caught the tall one in the mouth and knocked out his remaining front tooth. I think he was the leader because that’s when they decided to not only beat us, but kill us. They dragged us to their horses. Then I saw they had Sarah.”

Adam bowed his head and closed his eyes. Ben walked to him and put his hand on his shoulder.

“She had no coat, Pa, and no shoes. She was tied to the back of one of the horses like a pack animal.” Adam’s voice now resounded with pain. He sounded as if he were trying to excuse himself, but from what, Ben did not know. “I gave her my jacket. I asked them what they needed her for and I told them to let her go. I insisted they let her go. Then, they really went crazy. They started screaming at us, hitting us, calling us injun lovers. They knocked me out right after that. Maybe Joe, too, I don’t know.”

“You haven’t even talked to Joe about that night?” Ben asked.

“No,” Adam said sadly. “He wanted to, but I wouldn’t let him. I’ve been nothing but a coward. I’ve hurt him pretty bad, Pa, these last few weeks.”

As Ben looked into Adam’s teary eyes, his heart broke. “Joe is fine.” Ben assured him. “It’s you I’m worried about right now. And you are no coward, Adam. No coward at all.”

Adam smiled sadly. “You might wasn’t to reserve that judgement til I’m done, Pa.”

“Adam, you forget.” Ben said. “I know you.”

“I hope so.” Adam said. “Because I don’t know myself anymore.”

As Adam stared off into the stillness of the barn, Ben squeezed his shoulder. “So where did you wake up?”

” In this rotted out cabin.” Adam said. “Joe and I were tied to a post. I couldn’t move my hands, Pa, the rope was so tight. The four of them sat at a table playing cards – drunk, smoking cigars. Sarah was hopping around the shack waiting on them whenever they wanted something. They were disgusting, Pa, filthy, rude, vulgar men. I caught Sarah’s eyes and smiled at her. I was just trying make her feel better, let her know it was going to be all right. She snuck over to me and I told her who I was and that I was going to get her away from them. I told her to believe me, Pa. And she did.”

Adam put his hands to his face and Ben thought he was going to cry. “One of them saw me and said, ‘Look who’s up, boys! The injun lover!’” Adam’s sadness turned quickly into fury. He kicked the wall in a rage. “Bastards!” he yelled. “Filthy rotten bastards!”

Anxiety and fear welled within Ben and he smiled to cover it. “Adam,” he said with a fumbling tongue. “They…the girl is fine now. She’s…”

“She’s not fine, Pa, can’t you see?!?!?”

“Of course she is, Adam!” Ben laughed, terrified of what his son was going to tell him. “She’s right inside the house with Hoss and Joe.”

“Pa! They raped her.” Adam’s chest heaved as he caught his breath. “They raped her right in front of me and Joe.”

Ben caught himself on the door of the stall, feeling as if someone had crushed the air from his lungs. He wanted to cry out, but he held it inside, his body aching with the horror his boys had seen, the horror the girl had lived through.

“We begged them to stop.” Adam turned away to hide his face. “We begged them! But we couldn’t help her, Pa. We couldn’t move and couldn’t help her….couldn’t help her at all.”

Ben walked in front of him and turned his young face towards him.

“All we could do was close our eyes.” Adam said, closing his now. “She stopped screaming after a while. Pretty soon all I could hear was Joe crying.”

Ben bit his own quivering lip, his stomach rolling with abomination. “Adam,” he said, gathering as much strength as he could. “You could not stop it. It was not your fault. How can you possibly feel the guilt of those monsters?”

Adam said nothing and stared at the floor.

“Do you understand, Adam?” Ben asked.

Adam did not move.

“Adam!” Ben snapped and shook his son. His chest tightened as he realized Adam wasn’t through. Dear God, he wasn’t through.

“They untied me, Pa.” Adam’s eyes were heavy, his voice barely above a whisper. “They said, ‘go ahead, injun lover…it’s your turn.’”.

“Oh my God.” escaped Ben’s mouth before he could clasp it shut with his hands. He moaned and his stomach surged into his throat. Ben clutched himself and had to move from his son before he fainted. Dizzy, he grasped the saddle that rested on the stall. “No!” he yelled, then punched the saddle and threw it to the ground. Dust and hay clattered around it and the horses whinnied nervously. He pressed his hands into his face to stop the tears, stop the screams, stop the curses that were about to spring forth from his lips. Then, he remembered his son.

Adam stood still in the same spot, his pensive face now replaced with one that quivered as he spoke, his eyes swimming in agony. “I tried to fight them. I really tried, Pa.” he said. “They beat me ‘til I couldn’t see, kicked me ‘til I couldn’t move. They poured whiskey down my throat and took a hot poker to my back. I told them to kill me, Pa! I wanted them to kill me.”

“No, Adam.” Ben cried and ran to him. “Not your life. It wasn’t worth your life.”

“Yes it was, Pa.” Adam said, tears filling his dark eyes. “But it wasn’t worth Joe’s.”

Adam moved from his father and pressed his forehead into the wall. “The tall one. He put his rifle barrel inside Joe’s mouth – so far down that it gagged him.” Adam said. “He said if I didn’t do it, he’d pull the trigger. I couldn’t let them kill Joe, Pa! Not Joe.”

Adam collapsed in a heap in the middle of the floor, weeping. “Not Joe.” he repeated and sobbed in his hands.

“Adam,” Ben began to cry. “You had no choice.”

Adam looked up into his father’s eyes. “The worst part is, Pa. I don’t know what I did to her! I don’t remember any of it. All I know is when I woke up, Joe was still alive.”

Ben looked at his son, speechless and full of sorrow. There were no words that could take the pain away, so Ben scrambled to his son and took him in his arms. He held Adam tightly, praying that God would place his son’s suffering upon himself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam pulled away slowly, studying his father’s face as he wiped his eyes. He had once thought that if his Pa found out, he wouldn’t be able to look at him anymore. He had once thought the only thing he would ever see in his father’s face again would be shame and disgust. What Adam saw there now as his father gazed upon him was far from shame and disgust. All Adam saw was sympathy, sadness and devotion. He should have known, should have realized his father would never let him down. He cursed himself for the days spent hiding in a liquor bottle.

“So,” Adam stood and exhaled. “Now I have to face Sarah.”

“Adam,” Ben said, tenderly. “Do you think she would have come here if you had hurt her badly?”

Adam shrugged, lifelessly. “I don’t know.” he said. “I don’t know how badly I hurt her.”

“She asked for you Adam.” Ben rose to his son. “She wanted to see you.”

“She still does.” Joe said from the door, his young face stoic and sad, his eyes bouncing between his father and older brother.

Adam stared back at Joe for a moment. How long he had been there, Adam didn’t know, but that didn’t matter any more. The secret was out. The silence had been broken. The burden had been lifted.

“Sarah wants to talk to you, Adam.” Joe said.

Adam inhaled deeply, then walked to his brother. Outside, in the chilly moonlight, stood Sarah. She leaned against the corral fence, a shawl wrapped around head, a long fur coat on her tiny body. Adam saw her young face brighten at the sight of him and it lightened the weight in his heart. Joe pushed him outside, then closed the door to the barn, leaving Adam in the brisk night air with Sarah.

He walked to her slowly, but did not look at her face. “Sarah,” he said, trembling. “I am so sorry. I would do anything to change what happened. You don’t know how sorry I am for what was done to you, what I did to you.”

Her soft hand lifted his face and she looked into his eyes.

“You did nothing, Adam, but offer me kindness and give me strength.” she said. “You have no need for ‘I’m sorry’”.

“But I…”

“You kissed me, like this.” her lips brushed his cheek. “You held me, like this.” she wrapped her arms around him. “There was no more.”

He backed away from her to see her face. She smiled tenderly.

“You fell dead asleep in my arms. It is I who have been mourning your death these many days since we met.” she said. “I thought they killed you, Adam. I could not bear the thought that those evil men had taken such a kind man from this world.”

Adam’s breath sped. “I didn’t hurt you, Sarah?”.

“Hurt me? Your touch was the only one of compassion that night.” she said. “Your touch, your words…. I will never forget.”

Adam pulled her into his arms and held her close to him. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop them, Sarah. I’m so sorry for what they did to you. So very sorry.”

She smiled up at him, then buried her face in the vee of his collar. “You are a good man, Adam, a very good man.” she said. “It is time for you to stop being sorry.”

“I should have come after you.” he held her still. “I should have made sure you were safe and…”

Sarah put her hand to his mouth. “Let go of yesterday, Adam. There is only today.” she said. “Forgive yourself and remember who you are. Those around you know. I know.”

Adam exhaled. Though still angry at the events of that horrible night, still shocked by the pure depravity of those men, Adam’s shame was fleeing, his guilt was slipping away. He thought he would never feel this way again. He had been an innocent bystander – just like Sarah and just like Joe. How stupid he had been these past few weeks. How much more pain he had caused by not forgiving himself.

The barn door creaked open and his father and brother slipped slowly out and walked over. Adam’s eyes went right to Joe. Ben took Sarah from Adam. “You need to come inside, dear.” Ben said. “It’s freezing out here.”

“Will they be coming in?” she looked back at the two brothers.

“We’ll be right behind you.” Joe said. He walked to Adam and they stood in silence as the front door closed behind their father and the young woman. The two of them stared at one another, Adam’s face stern and Joe’s face anxious.

“What?” Joe said finally.

“I never thanked you for pulling me out of that fire.” Adam said.

Joe nodded. “That’s all right.” he said.

“And I never thanked you for keeping this a secret all this time.” Adam added. “I know I hurt you Joe, and I’m sorry. I was wrong and now, two men are dead because of it.”

“Haven’t you been hard enough on yourself, Adam?” Joe asked.

“Well, if I had told Roy…”

“Do you really think Roy would have found them before they got to those men? They were clear to Placerville.” Joe asked.

“I don’t know.”

“No, you don’t and you never will.” Joe said. “So stop thinking about it. There happens to be a lot of people who want you home.”

“I’m not the one who left.” Adam said.

“Oh yes you did.” Joe said, unsmiling. He walked to him. “And I want my brother back.”

“Even after I messed up so badly?”

Joe smiled. “We all make mistakes, Adam. Even you.”

Adam grinned. “How’d you get so smart?”

“Well, one of my brothers ain’t too bright, but I got another one who’s practically a genius.” Joe said, eyeing him playfully. “Name’s Hoss.”

Adam feigned insult and grabbed Joe. He wrapped his arm around Joe’s neck and squeezed. “What was his name again?”

“Hoss!” Joe laughed.

Adam squeezed tighter and Joe laughed harder. “Excuse me?”

“Hoss!!!”

“Who keeps yelling my name?” Hoss opened the door.

Adam let go of Joe. “Uhh…Joe was just telling me what the Clemens named their new mule.”

Hoss nodded. “Real funny.” he said, hiding a smile behind his false anger. “I think I liked you two better when you weren’t talkin’.”

“Hoss!” Joe still laughed. “Actually, I just told Adam it’s you who’s the genius of the family.”

“Yeah, that’s even funnier.” Hoss closed the door on them.

“Come on.” Joe pulled Adam to the door. “We gotta get him before he gets mad at us all over again.”

Adam pulled back and took his brother’s arm. “Joe.” he said.

Joe stopped with his hand on the doorknob. “Yeah?”

“I never told you how lucky I am you’re my brother.” Adam said.

Both young men smiled at one another with affection and tenderness.

“I’m lucky too, Adam.” Joe said. “I’m lucky, too.”

The End