Summary: A prequel story — Ever wonder how Adam got that little scar on his lip?  This story tries to explain. Then —  the same story except from Ben’s POV.
Rating T   Word count 3,647

The Scar

Easter was fast approaching and twelve-year-old Little Joe Cartwright couldn’t wait. He wasn’t a child any longer, but the fun of decorating eggs and getting some rare chocolate treats was still a reason to be joyful. Easter meant no school for a week too so that made it even more special. His teacher was traveling to be with her family and wouldn’t be back for seven days. After that, he might be done with school for the year. Little Joe hoped to make the most of these days off if he could convince his brother Hoss and his father to do some fun things even if the spring workload was heavy. He wouldn’t even try to get Adam to do anything fun. He had been grumpy for at least a week and it seemed even longer. Little Joe even got out of bed before anyone called his name which was an Easter miracle in itself. He walked out into the hall dressed and ready to do his chores and met Hoss leaving his room.

“Hey, Shortshanks, what’s got you all fired up this morning?”

“Hop Sing said I could help color and decorate eggs. I’m going to do my chores and eat breakfast. He said we would start to work as soon as the breakfast dishes were done.”

Little Joe and Hoss met Adam coming out of the barn when they headed that way. He was leading Sport and had his jacket on and some tools in his other hand. He put the tools in his saddlebags and mounted up.

“All the chores are done. Tell Pa I’ll finish the repairs to the fence up in the east pasture and then start work on that line cabin like we discussed.”

With that, Adam turned his horse and rode out. Little Joe and Hoss stood there with nearly identical quizzical expressions. He hadn’t even given them time to say thank you. He never said goodbye and didn’t wave or even tip his hat.

“Well, that was right friendly of our older brother to do that.”

“Well he didn’t have to be so grouchy about it. A smile and a goodbye would have been nice.”

“Aw, c’mon now. He done our chores. How can you complain about him when he done that?”

“He’s just been so grumpy lately.”

“Maybe he done our chores to kinda say he was sorry about that. You know he don’t say what he’s feeling most of the time. You just have to read him.”

“What do you mean? How do you read him?”

“Well you watch how he walks or leans. You look at his eyes and his eyebrows. You watch where he puts his hands and his arms. You kinda learn what each move means so you can read him.”

“Seems it would be a lot easier if he just told us.”

“Don’t think that’s ever going to happen. Now let’s go get some breakfast.”

When they told their father what Adam had done and said, he was grumpy too.

“You would think he would have some time to have breakfast with us. He hasn’t sat down to a meal with us in a week. Now it’s his birthday and I didn’t even get to say ‘Happy Birthday’ to him this morning. I don’t know what’s wrong with that boy.”

Wincing when he heard that, Hoss had some idea why Adam was in such a poor mood. Being referred to as a boy and being introduced as ‘my oldest boy’ and so on had become irritating to his older brother, but complaints to their father were met with derision or dismissal. Hoss knew too that every year, Adam got grouchy and unapproachable as his birthday neared. Once, Hoss heard him say he wished that everyone would just forget about his birthday. The answer from their father was that his request was ‘ridiculous’ as if it didn’t even deserve consideration. In a moment, Adam got one of those faces that resembled a mask like he got whenever something was bothering him an awful lot. It was then that Hoss had wished his father had at least asked him why he said that. Instead, he tried to get that discussion going when Adam wasn’t there. It never worked, but their father could never resist Little Joe’s innocent probing.

“Pa, it’s really Adam’s birthday? Why didn’t he say something? When it’s my birthday, I always say something.”

“Little Joe, Adam don’t really like his birthdays.”

“Why not? I thought everybody liked birthdays. Heck, I even like other people’s birthdays. Hoss does too cause there’s always cake? Why doesn’t Adam like them?”

Hoss looked at his father and saw the shiny eyes and thought he better end this conversation soon.

“Little Joe, he just don’t and that’s it.”

“Well, if Pa won’t tell me, I’m going to ask him why then cause I want to know.”

“Joseph, you will not bother your brother with this. He has a right to think however he wishes. Is that clear?”

Little Joe nodded. When his father talked in that tone, there was no other choice except to agree. Sometimes Adam didn’t stop when their father talked like that, and then there would be these loud arguments between Adam and Pa. Little Joe liked to be outside that room with Hoss whenever that happened. If he remembered correctly, they had had a doozy of an argument like that just last year on Adam’s birthday. He had not heard all that was said but he heard enough even if it didn’t make much sense to him. He decided it was time to ask Hoss about it but only once they were clear of their father’s hearing. When he sent them out to chop some wood for the kitchen, it was a perfect time to ask.

“Hoss, can you explain to me what that big argument was between Pa and Adam last year on his birthday? You said you’d tell me when I was older. Well, I’m older now.”

“Aww, Little Joe, I don’t know if I ought to tell you. If I do, you won’t repeat any of this to Adam now, will ya?”

“Not if you don’t want me to.”

“Well, all right. Pa lit into Adam last year for being sad on his birthday. He said there was no reason for Adam to grieve as he had never known his mother. Pa said he had grieve just as Pa had for the other two wives he had lost, you know, our ma’s but that Adam didn’t know what that grief was like. Well Adam done lost it then. He got real mad. He said no of course I don’t. I just feel guilty on my birthday when I see tears in your eyes and realize it’s because of me. And I never got to grieve for Hoss’ ma because when I did cry you said ‘Don’t cry, son, or you’ll make me cry’ so I didn’t. I held it all inside and never let it out. Then when Little Joe’s ma died, you fell apart in your grief so I couldn’t grieve then either. I had to take care of the ranch and Hoss and Little Joe while you were wallowing in your grief.’ And that’s when Pa hit him, and not a slap neither but he swung his arm and hit him in the mouth with the back of his hand. Now sometimes I’d like to hit him in the mouth too but not when he’s a telling me how he feels.”

“Is that how Adam got that cut and that big bruise on his face last year? I thought he got in trouble in town. That’s what he told me. He said he had some trouble and spent some time in town.”

“No, it was from Pa. He picked up his holster, hat, and coat, and he left, and he didn’t come back for more than a week. Pa was mad at first and then he was worried. By the time Adam walked back in, that bruise was all green and yellow, and the cut on his lip was all scabbed over but you could see it had been a bad one. He’d been in town for a week, but that’s not where the trouble was.”

“Why didn’t he get a whipping for leaving like that? If I did something like that, Pa woulda tanned me good.”

“Cause Adam’s a man. You don’t go tanning a man. He won’t stand for it.”

“How old do I gotta be to be a man so Pa can’t tan me no more?”

“With you, that may never happen.”

Hearing that, Little Joe got a wide-eyed look until he saw Hoss’ smirk. He would have done something about it but quickly remembered he needed to be on his best behavior so he could color eggs and so he would get his Easter treats. He could plan something to do to Hoss after Easter. Hoss ended up in the kitchen with him decorating eggs. They made a big bowl of them and set them on the dining room table. Then they watched as Hop Sing decorated a cake for Adam’s birthday. They couldn’t wait to taste it that night. It didn’t happen.

Little Joe was very disappointed though when Adam did not return before his bedtime. He was lying in bed thinking nasty thoughts about his oldest brother when he heard him ride in. He jumped out of bed and ran over to his window, and he was going to shout something at Adam to let him know how mean he was. But instead, Little Joe watched him dismount and drop his head against the saddle and just stand that way for a moment before he led Sport into the barn with slow steps. Little Joe remembered what Hoss had said about reading him and realized that Adam was hurt or sad. He planned to work on this because it really wasn’t that hard to do. Then he heard the front door open and close and saw Pa walking to the barn. He couldn’t hear what was said, but he saw them walk out of the barn a bit later, and Pa had his arm around Adam’s shoulders.

Hoss tapped lightly on Little Joe’s door. That boy slept through anything so if he was asleep, he wouldn’t hear. Soon though he heard footsteps and Little Joe opened the door.

“Pa says if you want some, you can come downstairs, and we’ll have birthday cake to celebrate Adam’s birthday.”

Little Joe didn’t need a second invitation. He ran down the hall and took the steps two at a time.

Ben was going to call to him to admonish him but stopped himself when Little Joe threw himself into Adam’s arms. Adam caught him by reflex.

“Hey, little buddy, what’s this all about?”

“Happy birthday, Adam. Can you play it on your guitar so we can sing it to ya?”

“I can. Does that mean you want me to play it?”

“Huh?”

Adam smiled and picked up the guitar. He played and the three sang to him. Then they walked to the table. Hop Sing brought out the cake with the candles blazing and Adam blew the candles out. Hoss ate his first piece of cake so fast, he hardly had a chance to taste it, so he asked for another piece. Adam smiled again and told Hop Sing to give Hoss a big piece this time. Little Joe was staring at Adam, and finally, Adam had to know.

“Little Joe, what are you staring at?”

“Does it still hurt?”

“Does what hurt?”

“The scar. Does that still hurt?”

Adam looked at his father and then at Hoss.

“No it doesn’t hurt at all. It’s all healed now. Thank you for asking, and can I have another piece of cake before Hoss has a third piece?”

“I can have a third piece?”

The Scar Story from Ben’s POV

My son Adam is a complex man. I seldom know what is going on behind those eyes that seem to see everything. I very much failed to see what the problem was this year as Easter neared. It was only on Adam’s birthday that the truth hit me between the eyes. As I sat at the breakfast table for the fifth time that week without my eldest in attendance, I was angry that he had so little consideration for us that he wouldn’t sit down to meals with us. He left early and came back after dinner. At first Hop Sing had been angry with him too but something changed and by midweek, Hop Sing was holding a plate for him on the warming shelf above the stove. Adam would eat in there and then head to his bedroom. I had no delusion that he was going to sleep. He was just avoiding us or as I came to realize, he was avoiding me with the one thing I could hardly forbid him to do: he spent all those hours working.

Every morning this week, Adam has been up early and doing his chores. He left each day before his brothers were even awake. Today they saw him before he left, and Joe said he didn’t say goodbye but only that he was going to do the repairs we had discussed. I never even got to say ‘Happy Birthday’ to him and he was gone no doubt to return as late as the other nights. Well, tonight was to be his birthday dinner and if he thinks I’m going to let that slide, he doesn’t know me very well.

Joe and Hoss have been my salvation this week with all of their excitement over Easter. Hop Sing has boiled eggs and the boys are going to help color them today. I have some chocolates in my room to gift to them on Easter after church services. I needed to give Hop Sing some time to clean up after breakfast and prepare for the egg coloring so I sent my youngest out to chop wood to fill the bins in the kitchen. Unlike Adam, they seem unaware of how well I can hear them with the window over my desk open to let in the mild spring breeze. When I hear Hoss talking in answer to Joe’s query about the argument that Adam and I had last year on his birthday, I suddenly found it hard to breathe.

“Well, all right. Pa lit into Adam last year for being sad on his birthday. He said there was no reason for Adam to grieve on his birthday as he had never known his mother. Pa said he had grieved just as Pa had for the other two wives he had lost, you know, our ma’s but that Adam didn’t know what that grief was like. Well Adam done lost it then. He got real mad. He said no of course I don’t. I just feel guilty on my birthday when I see tears in your eyes and realize it’s because of me. And I never got to grieve for Hoss’ ma because when I did cry you said ‘Don’t cry, son, or you’ll make me cry’ so I didn’t. I held it all inside and never let it out. Then when Little Joe’s ma died, you fell apart in your grief so I couldn’t grieve then either. I had to take care of the ranch and Hoss and Little Joe while you were wallowing in your grief.’ And that’s when Pa hit him, and not a slap neither but he swung his arm and hit him in the mouth with the back of his hand. Now sometimes I’d like to hit him in the mouth too but not when he’s a telling me how he feels.”

How could I have forgotten what had happened with Adam that day? What must my son be feeling? We never resolved that argument. I hit him, and he left for a week. When he returned, he said he didn’t want to talk about it. I meant to get into that conversation with him at some point but I failed in that regard. I spent most of that day lost in thought. I composed and then rewrote in my mind at least a dozen times the speech I needed to give to my son. I expected him to be late and wasn’t surprised when he wasn’t there at dinner. I tried to have a normal meal with my two younger sons but I could see how disappointed they were. I sent Little Joe to bed at the usual time but suspected he wouldn’t be going to sleep. That young one has a short fuse and holds a grudge. Hopefully, if I accomplished what I hoped with Adam, Little Joe, and Hoss would be feeling better before this evening was done.

The sound of a horse’s hooves let me know Adam was home. I looked out the study window and all I saw was the downcast set of his head and shoulders. My son was hurting and I was the only one who could help. I grabbed my jacket and headed out to the stable to see him. He was standing next to Sport feeding him sweet grain when I entered the barn.

“Hello, son. We missed you at dinner, and I know I’m the reason for that. I have something to say and it’s a year late so I hope you can forgive me. I’ve been told that when I’m angry, I lose my sense of hearing. I think it may affect my vision too because what I missed last year was all the hurt and grief that was inside you. I denied it was there because I didn’t want that to be true. You are not the reason for my teary eyes on your birthday. You are the reason that my grief over losing your mother was not all encompassing. She lives in you. I loved you from the moment I first held you, and I always will. I never knew how my words affected a six-year-old. I didn’t know that the wall you built up around your heart was built from my words. I was blinded by my own needs and didn’t see how a boy with no home who lost the only mother he had ever known would be devastated perhaps even more than I was. I can never make that right but I am so sorry I acted that way. And yes, I did the same to Little Joe and Hoss when Marie died and left you to take care of everything. I was wrong, but in my depression, I didn’t realize what I had done. By the time I regained my good sense, you seemed fine, and I never suspected that you were doing that to help me.”

My son Adam tried to reassure me then that he never meant for me to feel guilty. He just wanted me to understand how he felt. Finally, I did. Acknowledging his needs seemed to go a long way in lifting his spirits. I asked if he could celebrate his birthday with us as we all loved him and wanted to enjoy some time with him. He gave me one of those crooked little grins he has and I knew things were better between us. I hugged him then and in the darkness of the stable with no witnesses, I got a rare hug in return. We groomed Sport together and talked over the back of his chestnut horse about what he had done that week. I commended him on all that he had accomplished and he dipped his head a little in embarrassment over the praise. Apparently, I did too little of that with him too. We left the stable, and he allowed me to walk with my arm around his shoulders. I saw Little Joe at his window and suspected he had planned a verbal assault on his brother, but apparently, he had reconsidered because he remained as a silent witness.

Once inside, I sent Hoss up to get Little Joe. I knew he was awake, but the energy that young one has is amazing. He came flying down those stairs and before I could yell at him for it, he leaped into Adam’s arms and hugged him. Now Little Joe is the only one who can seem to hug Adam without him flinching out of it but he had rarely done it since Adam had returned from college. This was a welcome sight indeed and I saw Hoss standing on the landing grinning at the same thing that caused my heart to swell. Little Joe begged for Adam to play so we could sing to him. Now Adam is a fine singer and I’m sure our enthusiastic although discordant singing was difficult for him to hear, but he accepted the motive if not the gift with his usual aplomb.

Hop Sing brought out a cake with candles blazing, and we had a good time. Hoss ate three pieces of cake and then wondered if he could have another because there was still some left. I said no because we could have the rest for a rare dessert with breakfast. He was so disappointed, we all had to laugh at the look on his face. On my eldest son’s face though was a look of peace and calm I had not seen in a while. Little Joe had asked if that scar on his lip from where I hit him a year ago still hurt, and he looked at Hoss and then at me before smiling and assuring Little Joe it didn’t hurt anymore. Hoss and I both knew he was talking about more than that scar.