Synopsis: Adam is found after being held by Cain. Now with his family’s help he must find himself again.
Rating:  PG  (14,750 words)

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Author’s Note:  If it weren’t for Susan L. this story would not exsit anywhere but in my mind. Thank you for pushing me to write and being there to help me through the tough spots.
Jill, Thanks for showing me how much better my story could be with proper grammar 🙂

 

The Ride Home

Ben held his son like only a parent can, with the gentle rock that soothes a crying baby. The son he was holding was no child, but his oldest son, Adam. He had been half laughing and sobbing in his father’s arms, unaware of everything else around him with the one exception of his father holding him and what was left of his sanity firmly. After some time Adam looked into his family’s faces, not believing they were really there. He reached up and touched Little Joe’s face. “I thought you were a dream,” he said with half a smile. He closed his eyes and let himself be carried away by the exhaustion.

Hoss, Joe and Ben looked at each other in puzzlement. What had happened to Adam out there in the desert and who was the dead man he had with him, they wondered. Hoss was the first to speak. “We gotta get Adam out of here, it’s still a day and half ride to the nearest town and we don’t have enough horses for the four of us.”

Joe, still looking at Adam, added, “he’s in no condition to ride anyhow. He can barely open his eyes, let alone sit up.”

They all nodded in agreement. The decision was made to bury the dead man and put Adam on the travois. Adam had grabbed a hold of Ben’s arms in his restless sleep. Unable to loose the grip of his son, he set Hoss and Joe to burying the man.

“Make sure you mark the grave well boys. When we get to the nearest town we will report the body.” Ben sat on the ground looking at his son who he had almost given up for dead. He whispered in a prayerful voice, “my God boy, what happened to you?” The only answer he received from Adam was a mumbled ” I don’t want to kill ya, I just wanna get away from ya.”

Hoss got the travois hitched to Sport and then walked over to help Joe with Adam. Each of them gently took one of Adam’s arms and carried him to the travois. Ben followed closely behind. “Easy, boys. Put him down gently. He doesn’t seem to have any injuries, but we just don’t know that until he comes around and can tell us.”

He tightened the cinches that would hold him on the travois. Each mounted and rode silent towards the town.

After some time Hoss rode up next to Joe. “Joe, who do you think that dead man was? And why do you think Adam was draggin’ him?”

Little Joe had been lost in his own thoughts and took time to ponder his brother’s questions. “I don’t know, Hoss, maybe that man was ambushed by the same men who robbed Adam and took his horse. Maybe he was in the same predicament so they worked together to get out of the desert. When we buried the body I looked for some kind of bullet holes or something and I didn’t see anything, maybe he died of exposure.”

Hoss nodded. “Yeah, I didn’t notice any foul play either but that still doesn’t answer why Adam was draggin’ him.”

Hoss settled in back behind his brother. Hoss watched how Adam, never waking, would laugh or mumble something. Suddenly Adam yelled, “who’s the animal now Cain?” His eyes were wide open looking around wildly trying to pull himself up. Adam started to panic! My God, I am still with Cain! My father didn’t find me, that man is still holding me. “HELP ME!” he yelled and pulled at the cinches. “SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!”

Hoss jumped from his horse and in quick motion cut the ties. Adam jumped up and began running blindly away. Ben called after him, but Adam heard nothing but the pounding of his heart in his ears. I have to get away from this man, he is going to kill me. He stumbled forward once more when Joe grabbed him by the arm. Adam blindly swung at him and yelled, “let me go. I will not go back to that hell hole!”

Joe easily sidestepped the punch but held firmly on to Adam. He grabbed his other arm and held it at his side. Ben once again took Adam and called his name. “Adam, it’s okay. It’s us, son. Come back here.”

Hearing his father’s voice calmed Adam down and he sunk back sobbing. ” Pa, I heard you yelling.”

Ben looked at him confused. “I heard the three signal shots,” Adam continued. ” I knew you were there, I tried to climb the rocks and call out to you, but Cain stopped me, he dragged me down; and I couldn’t fight any more. I heard you yelling. I thought you had given me up for dead after that. I was so close and I knew you weren’t going to find me.”

Ben looked at his son, appalled at what he was hearing. Calmly he talked to him. “Adam, I found you didn’t I? We found you and now we want to take you home.” The words Adam said cut him deep. Just moments before finding him, Ben had given up hope of finding him dead or alive.

Joe turned away from Adam and Ben, hiding the guilt he had been carrying with him since discovering Adam’s horse at the way station. If only I had talked Adam into staying in town with me, or if I had gone with him none of this wouldn’t have happened. Joe had spent most of his time reliving the sickening feeling he had when the man brought Sport over to him. The knot that was already in his stomach that day tightened two fold upon seeing his brother’s horse.

From what Joe gathered in Salt Flats while waiting for his father, Two men had robbed Adam out in the desert somewhere, sold the horse and saddle at the way station, came to this town and proceeded to get themselves killed. Joe wasn’t sorry about that, he had just wished he could have been the one to do it. He had gotten the sheriff to let him look in the dead men’s hotel room for some of his brother’s belongings. Joe had found his brother’s wallet, and his saddlebags. The last two things he found had made his heart sink: Adam’s gun and his canteen. If these men hadn’t shot him outright, they left him to walk out of the desert with no protection and no water. What kind of person would do that to a man? Joe took the things to the sheriff’s office and told him they were his brother’s. “Sheriff, do you need these things or can I take them with me?”

The Sheriff answered, “I don’t see why you can’t take ‘em. Those two men can’t argue otherwise and I don’t need ‘em. There ain’t gonna be a trial of any kind.”

Joe nodded and took the stuff to his room.

Ben calling Joe brought him back to the desert. “Joe did you hear me?” Ben asked.

“Uh, no sorry, Pa, I didn’t.”

Ben took a deep breath and repeated himself. “We are all tired and the horses are worn out. We will camp here for the night. We made better progress than I thought and didn’t you say you put Cochise up around here?”

“Yes,” Joe answered. “If we leave early tomorrow, we should get to the stable by mid morning. Salt Flat is another 40 miles from there.”

Still shook up from the nightmare of Cain Adam spoke weakly, “If we leave now we could be there much sooner.”

Adam continued after he gathered up enough courage to confront his father. “Pa, I just want to go home, I have been out here for God knows how long.”

Ben could here the anguish in Adam’s voice and looked at him sympathetically but he had to hold firm. “No we have to stay here tonight. It’s almost pitch dark out and we won’t be able to see our hands in front of our faces much longer. Beside we can’t use the litter now and the horsed are too tired to carry two people. Let’s make a fire and get some food in us.” Ben waited for the argument from Adam, but none came.

Adam sighed and got up to gather brush for a fire. His fight was gone, he wanted out of the desert more than he could say. He wanted to get away from the memory of Cain and everything that happened. He just wanted all of it to be over and to get on with his life.

——————-

“Lil’ Joe, come on with those beans, I am plum starvin’ over here,” Hoss whined at his brother.

“Listen Hoss, cryin’ about it isn’t gonna make the beans cook any faster. If you wanna cook the beans be my guest.” Joe handed him the spoon and felded his arms waiting to see if his brother could do any better than him.

Ben chuckled at his two sons. You wouldn’t think making beans could be such a production. He poured himself and Adam another cup of coffee. Adam said nothing but smiled weakly at his father. The look Adam gave him prompted him to try and get what happened out in the open.

“Listen, Adam, you and I both know you don’t wear your feelings on your sleeve, but you need to talk about what happened. I can tell just by looking at you something awful happened out there. This is not something you can keep inside. It will eat you up if you don’t get it out.”

Adam stared at the ground then pulled the blanket his father and given him earlier around his shoulders, barely above a whisper he replied to his father’s request. “I can’t Pa, I just want it to be over. I don’t want to relive it all again.”

Ben silently nodded. Maybe it was too soon to try and get Adam to talk. His oldest son had never been known to express his feelings. Usually they had to be pried out of him like a rusty nail in an old board.

“The beans are done. It ain’t Hop Sing’s cookin’, but it’s better than nothin’.” Hoss looked around with a smile on his face.

Joe and Ben laughed in agreement while Adam stared coolly ahead. Hoss shrugged it off and handed Adam a plate, which he immediately dug into. After a bite or two Adam looked down at his hand that he had just shoveled the beans in with. His eyes widened as he looked up and saw Hoss frozen right in front of him holding a fork out to him. In his head Adam heard Cain, I guess this put you down another notch, eating with your fingers like an animal. He shackily put the food down turned his back to his family and was sick to his stomach. This man is winning. He’s gone and he’s still torturing me.

Ben and Hoss were at a loss for words. Joe spoke up, “Adam, are you okay?”

Still not facing his family, he nodded yes, waited a second to get his voice under control and said, “I guess I ate too fast.”

The three men knew this was a bad excuse but took it. Adam got himself together took the fork from Hoss. He hadn’t eaten in awhile and he knew he was hungry but all he could force down was a fork full. He spread the rest of the food on the plate to make it look like he had eaten; it fooled no one.

Adam lay awake, afraid to sleep. His brothers and father had been asleep for sometime. He knew if he fell asleep he would be back in that mine trapped with that man. He could sense Cain was waiting for him on the other side of consciousness. He couldn’t let himself be taken back, no matter what. He quietly got up and walked to the fire, which had been banked for the night. He took a stick and turned over some coals to bring some of the warmth to the surface. Hoss had heard his brother get up; he waited a few minutes and followed him to the fire.

“I should have known you weren’t sleeping. I didn’t hear any snoring,” Adam said as he poked at the fire.

Hoss laughed. “Hey, I don’t snore.”

Adam looked up at him. “Oh so that racket I have heard in you room every night since I don’t know when, is a the bear cub you keep in there at night, right?”

Hoss sat down next to Adam and gave him a slight shove with his elbow, relieved his brother was joshing with him. “Aren’t you up for sleeping?”

“I can’t let myself sleep.”

“What do you mean, you can’t let yourself sleep?”

“If I do, Cain will come. He’ll keep me working in that mine, digging for gold that isn’t there. Cutting my rations until there was nothing. Tying me to a post every night and holding a gun on me everyday.” Adam couldn’t make himself stop talking. The words of what happened to him just wouldn’t stop coming. Adam had opened floodgate and it was taking everything in his power to close it before it broke down completely. Knowing no other way to make himself stop, Adam quickly got up and walked away into the darkness.

Hoss was dumbfounded. It must have been a nightmare of Adam’s. No human being would do that to his fellow man. Hoss slowly got up and walked to where Adam was; he put his arm around Adam’s shoulders and walked him back to the fire. Adam was afraid to open his mouth. Afraid that if he started to talk it would all come out, every horrific moment of his time with Cain.

“I’m gonna go to bed,” Adam whispered.

Hoss got up also and went back to his bedroll. Sleep didn’t come for either of them. Hoss couldn’t help but think about what his brother had told him, and Adam just couldn’t stop thinking.

 

————–

Morning came and the four Cartwrights got ready to head towards the stable where Cochise was being put up. Adam walked up to his horse and gave him a pat on the nose. “Hey boy, I never thought I would see you again.” Sport nuzzled his owner, equally happy to see him.

.

“Hey, big brother. Sport sure did miss you! He let me know he was not happy to have me riding him, with all the dancing around he did.”

Adam turned to his brother with a smile. “Well, you gotta have a special touch. Where did you find him anyway? Where is Cochise?”

Joe gave him the short answer. “Cochise split his hoof. I had to stop for supplies; so the man at the way station offered me the use of an extra horse, and it was Sport. The two guys that waylaid you sold him the horse, and the saddle too.”

Those men, Adam thought, are the ones who started the whole thing. He wished they had killed him; instead what they did was far worse. Leaving him to walk out of the desert with no water or food. Leaving him to stumble on that small camp in the middle of nowhere with Cain and his mule. Adam shook his head attempting to get the memory out of his head.

“You and I can ride Sport, if that’s okay with you.” Joe hadn’t noticed that his brother was lost in thought. “I don’t think Chub or Buck can handle a double load. Anyway, Sport listens to you better.”

“As he should,” Adam reply with a weak smile. Both of them started to saddle up the horses.

Ben was encouraged with Adam’s demeanor this morning; he seemed more talkative. He did notice, however, that Adam didn’t eat any breakfast. He just pushed the food around trying to make it look like he eaten something. Ben also doubted his son slept at all, he really didn’t look any more rested than he had last night. He had heard Adam get up, and almost got up himself until he noticed Hoss go and be with Adam, He knew his two boys had a close relationship; hopefully Adam would talk to Hoss. His hopes were dashed when after a few minutes Adam had come back and laid down again.

Adam was not really surprised at how tired he was. Saddling up the horses seemed to take the last bit of energy out of him. He took a long drink of water and tried to push the thought of resting from his mind; he didn’t want to hold up their efforts to get home, and he certainly didn’t want to worry his family any more. His goal was to just get home, and forget about what happened. He chuckled at this last thought. Easier said than done.

The four men mounted their horses and headed out. Ben was riding point and Hoss was right behind. Because of the weight of the two men on Sport, they were bringing up the rear at their own pace. A slow leisurely ride was not what Adam was hoping for, but until they could get Joe’s horse it was going to have to do. “How far is the stable from here?” Adam asked.

“About two hours, but at the pace Sport has set, let’s make it three,” Joe hesitated for another moment. “I have been waiting to say this to you. Adam, I am sorry I didn’t come with you, I am sorry I couldn’t talk you into staying into town with me. I am sorry for this whole thing.”

Adam was nonplussed. “Joe, what happened to me is not your fault. It was my decision to go camping. How were you to know what was going to happen? How was I to know what was going to happen? Do you think I would have gone if I thought there was going to be in any trouble?”

Joe shook his head no, but still couldn’t help feeling guilty.

Ben and Hoss were riding ahead of Adam and Joe, but out of earshot. Ben was keeping his pace slow. He wanted to keep Adam within his sights; he lost him once and he would be damned if he was going to lose him again. Sure, Adam had little outward injuries: sunburned pretty bad and a few bruises here and there, but nothing life threatening. The only thing he thought might cause physical problems was dehydration. He was more worried about what he couldn’t see. He knew something was really wrong with his oldest son, something building inside that needed to come out. Ben’s first attempt at getting Adam to talk had been too soon and was fruitless. Adam must have said something to Hoss; he had been very quiet since they had left camp and he could see that his son was thinking about something, almost brooding. With his lower lip out and his brows furrowed, his middle son could hide nothing from him and right now Ben could take advantage of that.

“Hoss, did Adam say anything to you last night? I heard you get up with him for a while.”

Hoss looked at the horizon. “Yeah, Pa. I had a few words with him. Adam started to tell me about a nightmare he’d had, I just don’t know what to make of it. Something about a man named Cain holding him at gun point, making him work in a mine, keeping water from him and other horrible things. It must have been a nightmare he has been having since he was lost. I just don’t know Pa, whatever it was has Adam shook up real bad; he couldn’t even finish what he was tellin’ me.”

The name Cain jumped out at Ben. That’s the name Adam used in his delirium several times. This man must have been holding him and the unknown man they had buried. That was all he could figure. Ben looked over his shoulder at his sons riding far behind them. Joe seemed to be carrying his brother’s weight; he was leaning forward. Ben could see Adam’s head resting on his Joe’s back. It was not the most comfortable place to sleep, but he hoped that was just what Adam was doing.

Joe knew his brother had dozed off. Adam’s head was resting on him and his arms had loosened their grip around his waist. It was starting to be a strain having to ride bent over. Earlier he had tried several times to start a conversation with Adam, but each time he was met with silence. He knew Adam hadn’t meant anything by it, but this was the loneliest two-person ride he had ever been on. They would be at the stable soon enough, though.

His hope now was that Cochise’s hoof had mended enough to get him home. He ambled along, trying to readjust himself in his saddle without disturbing Adam. Joe could tell his brother’s temperature had gone up. The heat from the sun coupled with the heat radiating from Adam’s body was making an already uncomfortable ride even more so. He decided to wake up Adam and get some water for the both of them. Adam hadn’t really had anything to drink that whole morning, just a few sips here and there before they rode off. He had offered the canteen to Adam, but for some reason he kept refusing it.

Joe gently shook Adam’s hands that were loosely clasped around his waist. “Hey, Adam, wake up! You’re killing my back and we need to get a drink.” When Adam didn’t respond, Joe stopped the horse and shook his brother’s arms vigorously. “Come on, Adam wake up!” He was starting to worry. There shouldn’t be any reason for Adam not to answer.

Just as he was about to call out for their father, Adam tightened his grip around Joe’s waist and almost threw him off the horse. Luckily Joe had grabbed the saddle horn before Adam had succeeded in dethroning him.

Adam woke with a start, not knowing where he was and once again thinking he was with Cain. He grabbed his brother, ready to fight. As soon as he realized what he was about to do, he released his brother and jumped from the horse himself, falling to the ground. The sudden commotion startled the horse and Sport reared up. Luckily Joe had the presence of mind to hold on and slow the horse before he broke into a gallop. Ben and Hoss were far enough ahead that they didn’t see what had just taken place.

Joe jumped from the horse and went to Adam’s side. “My God, Adam! What has gotten into you? You scared the life out of me, not to mentioned spooked Sport beyond belief! We’ll be lucky if he lets us get back on him!” He couldn’t help admonish his brother; his adrenalin was still riding pretty high.

“I’m sorry Joe, I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep. When you grabbed my arms it was a reflex. I am so sorry, did I hurt you?”

Joe looked at him and replied with a slight smile. “As you always say Adam, you have to kill me to hurt me.”

Adam looked right into Joe’s eyes and said, “I have been hurt, badly, without even being touched.”

Joe just stared at him, then reached over to feel Adam’s forehead. Adam quickly swatted his brother’s hand away. “What I feel right now hurts more than any gun shot wound could ever. Where I was, Joe, is worse than any hell I could imagine.”

Adam could feel the words rushing out of him; this time he let the title wave come.

“Cain made a deal with me, I would work his damn mine and he would let me use his mule to get to Signal Rock.” With an ironical laugh Adam thought out loud. “He had no intention of ever letting me leave that place, he wanted to work me to death. Actually he wanted to break me. Cain wanted to be dead, but he didn’t have enough courage to kill himself so he tried to get me to do it for him. He wanted to be the better man; he wanted to win. He might not have succeeded in killing me physically but he certainly killed something deep down in me. I don’t know what it is, but something is gone and I can feel the emptiness inside.” No more words would come; he just put his head in his hands, fighting back the tears he didn’t want to admit.

Joe and Adam sat on the ground in silence for a long while. Joe looked at his brother and Adam just looked at the ground. Joe just didn’t know what to say, he knew Adam had gone through some sort of hell, but he couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for his brother.

Joe finally spoke quietly, unsure of what to say. “Adam, why didn’t you tell us about this earlier? I don’t know what we could have done, but you know that you can’t keep this inside of you, it might be the very thing that kills you.”

Adam nodded his head in agreement.

“Adam, you have to tell Pa,” Joe said.

With that, Adam jumped up. “NO! And you can’t say anything either! If you do Joe, I will never forgive you, do you hear me?”

Joe slowly got up, “I don’t know, Adam. This isn’t something you should keep from Pa.”

Before he knew what was happening, Adam was on top of him. Adam’s eyes were wild and there was a look of hate in his eyes. “DON’T SAY A THING, YOU HEAR ME?”

“Okay, okay!” Joe answered, more afraid of his brother than he had ever been. Even through the fear, he threw his brother off of him easily. It had taken the last bit of Adam’s energy to attack Joe. He now lay on the ground, panting, as Joe stood over him. He once again implored his brother. ” Please, Joe, don’t say anything. I will do it; I will talk to Pa. I just can’t do it now. I want to get home first, okay? Please Joe….” Adam slipped into unconsciousness.

Joe knelt down next to him and brushed Adam’s hair out of his face. He had never seen his brother’s emotions swing so far and so fast. “Sure, brother. I won’t say anything, not yet anyway.” Just then Hoss galloped up.

Ben and Hoss had gone over the next rise and had not seen what had taken place. They had waited for the two brothers to catch up at the bottom of the hill. When Joe and Adam didn’t appear, Hoss spoke up. “Sport is probably tuckered out, and they stopped for a rest. I’ll backtrack a little and tell them to get a move on. You stay here, Pa, and take a rest.”

Ben agreed. They probably were just taking a break; they all needed one. “Yes, Hoss, I’ll wait right here for you.”

With that Hoss took off up the hill. In the distance he could see two figures and knew they were his brothers. What worried him was that one of them was lying down, very still. Hoss thought about yelling to his father, but decided to investigate first. He waved to Ben to signal that he saw them. Ben waved back then dismounted his horse to wait for his boys.

As he approached, Joe was holding Adam’s head in his arms giving him some water. Hoss’ heart sank. “What happened?”

Joe looked up at Hoss, and then Adam, who had only moments ago opened his eyes. Adam mouthed the word: “Please.”

Joe answered, still looking at Adam “Can you believe it? Our fool brother here fell asleep so hard on that silly horse that he fell off!”

Hoss looked at them both for a moment. “I knew Adam shouldn’t have ridden behind you,” he said as he took Adam’s arm and threw it over his shoulder, then helped him to his feet. “That stable can’t be to far from here. Adam, you can ride the rest of the way with me. Are you okay?”

Adam nodded. “I just got the wind knocked out of me, that’s all.”

“If you say so, Big Brother.” From the way he was leaning on him, Hoss was sure Adam was in more pain that he let on, but nothing was broken so he decided to go along with Adam’s little ruse for now. With Adam on Chubb he would be able to keep a close eye on him. Hoss helped Adam onto the horse, then mounted behind him. They started off.

Joe watched as his brothers slowly started to head out. He was still in shock over what had happened between the two of them. Adam did have a temper but it normally took a lot to set him off. Joe had never seen him fly off the handle so quickly before. Maybe he was making a mistake keeping what Adam had told him to himself. As he mounted Sport, Joe said quietly to himself. “No, I made Adam a promise. I won’t say anything…for now.”

 

Adam rested against Hoss. He was ashamed of what he had done to Little Joe, he didn’t know what happened to him. Right before he attacked Joe everything went numb and he could feel something switch inside of him, and before he knew it he was on top of Joe. Adam thought to himself, I have to get control of myself. Cain is gone; he is somewhere in the desert away from me. We have gone our separate ways. I need to get him off my back. I can do this. I can get myself free of him….

They met up with Ben on the other side of the hill. He stood up when he saw Adam leaning against Hoss. Noticing the look of concern on his pa’s face Hoss spoke up. “It’s nothing Pa, Adam fell asleep on the horse and took a tumble.”

With concern in his voice, Ben started to ask Adam if he was okay. Adam didn’t let him ask the question but raised his hand to stop him. “I’m fine Pa, it just knocked the wind out of me, that’s all. Sport needed a break anyway. Joe says the stable isn’t more that ten minutes from here.” He sat up straighter and tried to look better for his father’s sake. He knew he looked awful and he felt just as bad.

Ben mounted his horse, still worried, but the sooner they got another horse, the sooner they could get to the next town. Although it was rough country, they should be able to make Salt Flats by sundown. Joe quickly caught up with his family and the four of them rode to the stable.

Joe jumped off of Sport and bounded to Cochise. “Hey boy! Has that guy been treating you well? I sure did miss you!” The horse gave Joe a neigh as if to agree with everything he said.

Hoss help Adam off Chubb. “Have you ever seen someone so wrapped up in a animal?”

Adam gave Hoss a smile. ” I sometimes think that Joe wishes that horse was his fourth brother.” The both of them watched as Joe continued to pet his horse and check him over.

“How’s the hoof?” Joe asked the stable master.

“Well, It’s not 100% percent, but as long as you don’t ride the horse hard, it should be fine. If you fellas want to take a rest and get cleaned up, you are more than welcome to do that. I got vittles in the kitchen, and you’re welcome to that, too.”

Hoss’ eyes lit up. “I sure could use a little food right about now.”

Ben laughed, “Hoss, I think you could use a little food anytime! How about it, Adam? Let’s take a rest, give the horses a little time to cool down and watered.”

Adam didn’t want to spend too much time in this place but getting cleaned up sounded great. “Sure I could wash up.” he replied.

Adam walked into the washroom, which wasn’t much more than a tin washtub and a water basin with a mirror. He stepped up to the basin to grab the pitcher and glanced in the mirror. What he saw caused him to drop the water pitcher, sending it smashing to the floor; it didn’t faze him. His eyes were fixed on the image in the mirror. He did not recognize the man he saw before him. The person he saw was a stranger. His hair was a matted mess, his face and lips were sunburned and raw, whiskers were more than just a trace on his face. And his eyes were dark and sunk, with many more wrinkles from squinting in the sun. My God, he thought to himself while he reached out to touch the reflection in the mirror. Who are you man? The image of himself confirmed his greatest fears; he no longer knew himself at all.

Just as Adam was about to put his hands to his face and cry, he heard hear his father call his name. “Adam, you alright in there? I heard something crash.”

Adam quickly got himself together and wiped what was the start of tears out of his face with his forearm.

Ben entered the room. “You okay?” he asked again.

Adam struggled to regain the strength in his voice. “Yeah, I’m fine. The pitcher slipped out of my hand, that’s all.” As he answered his father he looked down at his shaking hands. He quickly put them behind his back, hoping his father had not noticed. Stepping around Ben, he walked out without ever looking up. He didn’t want his father to see the pain he knew was evident on his face. Making his way to the water pump, he wiped his face there. The less he had to look at that stranger in the mirror, the better.

Ben was left standing alone in the washroom. Adam had left so quickly he didn’t have a chance to react at all. It was obvious Adam was trying to avoid him. As much as he wanted to take Adam and tell him everything was going to be okay, he knew he couldn’t. Adam wouldn’t allow it, and if he tried to get him to open up, it would only drive what was causing his pain down deeper inside. Ben’s heart ached for his son.

The four men were ready to ride about an hour after they arrived. All the horses had been watered and tended to. The station master gave them extra canteens and told them to leave them with the sheriff in town.

Joe had set the pace for the ride. With Cochise’s newly healed hoof, he knew better than to push for anything fast. If they didn’t stop too many times, they would make it to Salt Flats by early evening. The ride would be rough and hot, but they would get there. Nobody tried for conversation, each man had his thoughts to keep him company, or haunt him.

Adam was happy to be riding Sport alone, it was something familiar. Something that hadn’t changed in the past two weeks, he only wished he had his hat. The sun was high in the sky and beating down on him unrelentingly, causing his already battered skin to burn more. He had removed what was left of his sleeves long ago, so his arms were burning as well. It seemed to Adam that the sun was literally sucking the life out of him as they rode. The slow speed they were going also did nothing to help his exhaustion. Even if he had wanted to stop and get out of the sun there was no place to do it, all there was around him and his family was a sea of sand and dunes. All there was to do was to press on.

—————

They arrived in the town hot, sticky and tired. Adam was swaying in the saddle, barely awake. He was only vaguely aware that his horse had stopped. Hoss dismounted seeing that his brother was practically falling out of the saddle, and took the reins of Sport.

“I’m glad to see you held on long enough to get to town. Now let’s see about getting you a bed to sleep on. We don’t want you falling off of anymore horses.”

“Well then, help me off of this one will ya? I don’t t think my legs will hold me.” Hoss obliged by catching his brother as he slipped out of the saddle.

“Don’t worry, big brother. I will always be there to catch you.” Hoss said with a smile. Adam nodded, knowing what his brother meant was literally and figuratively.

Ben approached Joe out of earshot of Adam. “Joe, I want you to go get fresh clothes for your brother and then go over and get the doctor. I want him to just take a look at Adam, he should see the doctor no matter how much he argues differently.”

Joe agreed, and went on his way to run the errands.

“Hey, where is Joe going?” Hoss asked as he, Ben, and Adam walked towards the hotel.

“I sent him out to get some clothes and other things; we could all do with some real washing up and rest.”

Adam was looking forward to a bath.

Checking in was no problem, although Ben had noticed people staring at his oldest son. He knew about small towns and how word traveled very fast, he was sure they had heard of the man left to die out in the desert. He didn’t doubt that bets were taken on if they would bring him back or not. He smiled at the thought of the townspeople’s surprise of actually not only bringing him back, but bringing him back alive.

Adam, on the other hand, felt very conspicuous. His clothes were tattered, his face and limbs were red and burned, and he had several days growth on his face. At that very moment he felt like an animal on display at the carnival with people looking and pointing at him. He just wanted to get away go up to their room and hide. As soon as the keys were put on the desk, he grabbed one and headed right up the stairs to the room. Closing the door quickly behind him, he kicked the nearest chair, sending it flying across the room. He picked the chair up quickly and put it back where it was, he knew his father and brother would be close on his heels. “Pull yourself together, Adam, if not for yourself, for your family.”

Sure enough, Ben and Hoss knocked on the door. Adam let them in. “I am sorry. I just felt out of place down there in my current state. I know a bath will go a long way in helping.” With that, he headed down the hall to the washroom.

Taking a hot bath was near to impossible. The heat from the water had made him feel as if his skin was being peeled off. He compromised and took a lukewarm bath. Just as he was getting settled in the tub, Joe knocked on the door then promptly walked in. “What’s the point in knocking, Joe, if you are just going to barge in anyway,” Adam said with annoyance in his voice.

“Well, Big Brother, I have come bearing gifts, and I have to tell you these were hard to come by. I had to woo the shop mistress to open up so I could get you these things.” With that he held out a brand new black hat, shirt and pants.

“I made sure to get everything in your favorite color,” Joe said with a wry smile, hoping that a change of clothes would brighten up his brother’s mood a little. Joe had also bought him a razor and shaving powder. He handed those to Adam and walked over to get the mirror for him.

“NO! I don’t need the mirror!” Adam shot, trying to cover up for his sudden outburst. “I have had enough practice shaving on the trail, I don’t need it.” Adam didn’t want to look at his reflection again, at least not until he was ready too.

“Suit yourself,” Joe replied, a little hurt that Adam had barked at him, and failed to thank him for the new clothes. He turned to leave the room and then added, “Pa wants to see you when you are done. He’ll be in the room.”

“Sure thing,” Adam said as he set himself to shaving off the beard and grime that had been on his face for the past two weeks.

Getting dressed Adam finally got the nerve to once again look at himself in the mirror. The bath and shave and new clothes had done a lot to his attitude. Now he was curious to see if it had done anything to the reflection in the mirror. He was relieved to see it had. His face was still red and chapped, but he could recognize the man who was standing before him. Looking again, he spoke to himself, “I may now recognize the reflection before me, but the person on the inside is still a complete stranger.” With that, he picked up his boots and headed towards the room, trying to figure out how to avoid any conversation about what happened with his father.

Ben had sent his two younger sons out when the doctor came into the room. Adam hadn’t returned from washing up yet, so he took the time he had to explain to the doctor of what he knew about Adam’s two weeks in the desert. Which was, in all actuality, very little. The doctor had already heard about the Cartwrights from the stories going around the town. Also being the only mortician it town, he had fully expected them to bring him a body, not a living man. He was curious to meet Adam Cartwright. The man who “battled the desert and lived.”

Adam walked in the room and was simultaneously surprised and relieved that his father wasn’t alone. Ben turned to his son. “Adam, I would like you to meet Doctor Smith.”

When the doctor put his hand out for Adam to shake, he did not replicate. Adam just looked at his father in tense silence. “Now Adam, you were out there for two weeks with almost no water and, well, look at yourself! Your skin is burned and you look exhausted. I just wanted to make sure you were well enough for us to get you home. You were practically falling out of the saddle when we pulled into town earlier. I just want to know we can get you home safely.”

“Thanks Pa.”, Adam retorted. “I thought I looked a lot better since the bath, but I guess I was wrong. I don’ need a doctor. Thank you, Dr….Smith is it? I am sorry my Pa wasted your time but I am quite all right, I assure you.” With that, Adam started to show the doctor the door.

Ben spoke up, “Please, Adam, do this for me. I need to know you are well.”

“Fine! I will, but after this will you promise to leave me alone.”

“I will do what I can, son,” Ben replied and sat down in the chair.

Adam walked over to the bed and sat down, the doctor followed. “So tell me, how did you get yourself out of the desert?” Dr. Smith asked.

Adam replied dryly, “I walked.” He was unwilling to go any further into details.

Dr. Smith sensed a lot of hostility in his newest patient and decided the best plan of action was to just look over the external injuries, which for the most part were minor. This man looked exhausted, which was to be expected with the type of journey he had been on. He also knew that Adam would not sleep. The adrenalin that kept him going through the ordeal had not run its course and would certainly keep him from getting any kind of real sleep for some time.

“Well, the good news is you don’t have sun poisoning, which was what I was worried about. The burn will heal on its own, but will be uncomfortable and itchy for a while. I will give you some ointment to help with that. You are, however dehydrated. I know you probably don’t feel thirsty, but you have got to drink as much as you can. That is the only thing that will help that. You also need to rest. I wouldn’t recommend you leave town right away, maybe stay for a day and catch up on your sleep.” With his last statement the doctor handed Adam a packet of powder. “This will help you do just that.”

Ben got up and took the packet from Adam. “How much do we give him?”

Adam quickly stood. “Look Pa, I am not a child! I don’t need to take anything and I am done with all of this. Now if you will excuse me, I would really like to lay down for awhile, and without the help of any medication. I assure you that I am tired enough to fall asleep of my own free will.” With that he ushered both men out of his room and left them standing in the hallway.

 

Doctor Smith siently handed the packet to Ben.

“I must apologize for his behavior; he has been through a lot lately.”

Doctor Smith smiled at Ben. “I am not the least bit surprised at his actions, just put a tablespoon of the powder in water. It will dissolve the powder into nothing, but the effects will help Adam sleep. I know he doesn’t think it, but his mind and adrenalin will not let him get sleep. I will leave it up to you and Adam as to whether or not he needs this.” He walked down the hall. “If you need my services more, you know where to find me.”

“Thank you for your time, doctor!” Ben called out. He turned and opened the bedroom door, ready to have some stern words with his son, but he found him asleep on the bed. Maybe the doctor was wrong, he thought, looking at the packet in his hand. He didn’t need the powder after all.

Adam knew his father would be back in momentarily and decided that the best plan of action would be to play possum, then his father couldn’t berate him for treating the doctor so poorly and for yelling at him. He heard his father discuss something with the doctor, then walk in. Ben took two steps into the room then quietly backed out and closed the door. Adam had let go of the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. He just lay on the bed, enjoying the comfort. He couldn’t believe how good it felt to lay on a bed, he hadn’t even seen one since him and Little Joe had left for the cattle drive to Eastgate.

His thoughts went back to Eastgate, where he had first seen the two men who robbed him. Once again he found himself thinking that he wished they had killed him. Staring up at the ceiling, he heard the door creak open. Once again, Adam played possum. He heard his father put something down on the table next to the bed and then just stand over him for a few moments. His jaw tightened with the presence of his father standing over him, and he rolled over so his father could no longer look at his face. He stayed that way after he heard Ben leave the room.

Adam really did want to tell his father what happened; he knew that all common sense dictated that he should tell someone about Cain, but he couldn’t do it. He could feel the walls inside of him now growing so high they were even blocking out his father and brothers. He’d had long ago put up walls, never letting anyone get to close. He learned to put up them up early on, when it seemed that everyone he loved died. It was easier to keep a distance than to let himself feel that kind of pain again. The only people who could get past those walls were his family, and now he could see that he was working to shut them out completely also. Lying on the bed and thinking about this, he drifted off to sleep.

Ben had been relieved that Adam seemed to have fallen asleep; he knew his son needed rest. If only he could rest for a long while, then maybe Adam could get his thoughts together enough to tell him what happened. It was then that Ben decided to do something somewhat deceitful for his son’s sake. He took the packet the doctor had given him and put a half of tablespoon of it into a glass of water. He stirred it until the water was clear, then took the glass to Adam’s room and set it on the night stand. Looking at his son’s face, he wished there was something more he could do. He quietly walked back out of the room.

Just as he was closing the door to Adam’s room, Hoss and Joe returned for getting cleaned up themselves. “So, what did the Doc say?” Joe asked.

“Let’s go get something to eat at the café and I will tell you about it.” Ben said.

Hoss chimed in, “Hey Pa, now that sounds like a plan! I am starving. I’ll get Adam and we will be on our way.”

Ben took Hoss’ arm to stop him from opening the door. “No, Hoss. Adam is sleeping. We can bring him up some food later. He needs to rest right now.” The three of them left for the café.

—————-

Adam awoke with a start sweat beading on his forehead. He had heard Cain’s voice taunting him with that laughter he had heard so many times out in the desert.

Looking around the room quickly, it took a few minutes for Adam to convince himself that he was dreaming and Cain wasn’t there with him. He could tell he hadn’t been asleep very long, the light coming from the window hadn’t changed much. He took the glass his father had set down beside the bed and drank it in two swallows. The wet felt good going down his throat. Looking around for the pitcher to get himself more, as he rose he noticed the noises coming from the saloon below. He looked out the window and thought to himself, well, the good doctor told me to get plenty to drink! The only problem now was getting out of the room without his family noticing. He saw his saddlebags sitting in the corner, and he hoped that there was a little money in them. Walking over to the bags, he buttoned up his shirt and grabbed his boots. He opened the bags, and inside he found a one dollar piece. He smiled. That would be enough to by a bottle. Talking to himself, Adam said, “Now how do I get out the door?”

He slipped the coin in his pocket, put his boots on, tiptoed to the door and opened it a crack. Glancing around, he found no one in the hall. He stuck his head out farther and was happy at his luck. He quickly moved out the door and down the hall, amazed at how easy he got away. Putting his new hat on his head, he made his way to the saloon.

The atmosphere in the bar was lively, no one noticed him enter. Adam stepped up to the bar and ordered himself a bottle of whiskey. The first shot went down a little rougher than he would have liked, he stifled a cough and pour another. The second shot went down smooth. The third shot he decided to savor, swirling the brown liquid around in its glass. The other two shots were working their way through his body; he could feel them warming his stomach. He was surprised at how quickly he had started to feel the drinks, and he leaned a little heavier on the bar. What Adam didn’t know was there was more than just alcohol in his system; the sleeping powder his father had put in his drink was also starting to work its magic.

Adam had become lost in his drink and did not notice the large drunk man approach him. “Hey, aren’t you that dead man walking? Yeah, you gotta be the guy. Your face is about as burnt as bacon. I lost money because of you.” Adam’s eyebrows rose. The man continued, “You see, me and the boys heard about you being left out there and your brothers and Pa going out there to find you. I bet that they wouldn’t even find yer body, and now low and behold, here stands the man himself, and I am now out 20 of my hard earned dollars.”

Never looking up from his drink Adam replied. “Sorry I couldn’t have helped you and died out there in the desert.”

The man looked at him blankly. “Are you tryin to make a fool out of me?”

Just then the bartender took the drunken man’s arm. “Hey, leave him alone. Don’t you think he has had a hard enough time without you pestering him?”

The drunken man pulled his arm away. ” No, I think this man owes me 20 dollars, that’s what I think!”

Adam looked up just enough to see the man under the brim of his hat. “It’s your fault you lost your money for making such a foolish bet.”

The next thing Adam knew the man had landed a punch right in his face, knocking him off balance. He grabbed the bar to steady himself, but could not quite do it. The effects of the drug and alcohol were slowing his reaction time. Before he could even land a counter blow the man hit him again sending him toppling onto the ground. He landed with a thud. A few men had seen what had happened and tried to come to his aid, but this had only caused more trouble. The saloon was very quickly engulfed in a full-scale brawl. Once again the man who started the melee found Adam, who was trying to crawl away. Picking Adam up by the scruff of his shirt, he delivered an upper cut so fierce it sent Adam across the room where he hit his head on the door jam, then slid down the wall. Before blacking out Adam thought to himself, all I wanted was a drink.

The man was not finished with him yet; he seemed to get his thrills using Adam as a punching bag. He picked him up one last time just as the sheriff came running in. Right behind him were the other three Cartwrights that had stopped off at his office to discuss the matter of the body in the desert. Running in, the sheriff caught the drunken man’s fist before he could land another blow to Adam’s head. He let go and Adam fell in a heap on the floor. Before the sheriff could pull the drunken man completely away from Adam, he landed two quick and forceful kicks right into Adam’s ribs.

Hoss had entered the saloon just in time to see the last kick inflicted on his brother. In one very graceful motion Hoss stepped up to the drunken man and hit him so hard it knocked him out cold. The sheriff just looked at Hoss and said, “That must be yer brother.”

Hoss nodded and knelt down by Adam, who was lying very still.

As soon as Joe ran into the saloon, he was immediately swept up in to the fight. He jumped in with full gusto and fists flying. Ben, concerned for his youngest son, ran after him only to be caught up in the fight as well, neither of them even considering the fact that Adam might be there. For all they knew he was still asleep in his room. Ben pushed a man to the ground just as heard Hoss call his name. “Pa, come quick!” Hoss bellowed.

Ben turned to see Hoss standing there with Adam draped across his shoulder.

Running over to his two sons, he said, “how in the world did he get here?”

The bartender answered Ben’s question. “He was the one that started this whole mess. A miner decided your boy there owed him his lost bet money.”

Ben looked at the bartender tersely. “Let’s get him back to the room.”

Hoss headed out the doors to the hotel with Adam draped across his shoulders.

Ben collected Joe, who was resting against the bar. “Joe, go get the doctor and bring him back up to Adam’s room.” Joe nodded and ran out the door.

Ben walked out wringing his hands. Why was Adam there? He admonished himself for leaving Adam alone.

Up in the room Hoss laid Adam on the bed. He let out a low moan just has Hoss was putting him down. Hoss caught a whiff of Adam’s breath. “Oh boy, Pa is not gonna be thrilled at the state you are in!” he muttered.

“What in Sam Hill was he doing out there?” Ben asked as he entered the room.

“Well, Pa,” Hoss answered. “It smells to me like he got himself a drink or two.”

Surprised at the answer Hoss had given, all Ben could think to say was “you have got to be joking…”

Just then the doctor came in. “I heard about the fight. Has he woken up yet?”

Hoss, seeing his father was still trying to figure out what had just taken place, answered the doctor. “No, Doc, he hasn’t. That miner did kick him a good one square in the ribs though. I didn’t see what else he got, but from the looks of it that drunk had some fun with him.”

Adam’s eye and left cheek were swollen and red, and his lip was split and bleeding. Doctor Smith set to work checking over Adam’s injuries and patching him up. Nothing seemed to be broken but he could already see two large boot shaped bruised forming on the right side of Adam’s rib cage. “Let’s sit him up and tape those ribs. I don’t think they are broke, but from the looks of the bruises one or two ribs could be cracked.”

Hoss and Joe each took a arm and helped Adam sit up. He still had not regained consciousness, his head rolled forward onto his chin. As the doctor taped up his ribs he continued talking. “I am concerned over the fact that he has not woken up. He has a small lump on his head, but I don’t think he hit his head hard enough to keep him down for that long.”

It was then that Ben noticed the water glass on the nightstand. He quickly asked if either Hoss or Joe drank the water. They replied in unison “NO.”

“That may be the reason why he hasn’t woken up Doc,” Ben continued. “I put some of the sleeping powder you gave me into the glass and left it there for him in case he woke up. I never dreamed he would go to the saloon after drinking it.”

The doctor stood straight up. “We now have a problem.” All three of the Cartwrights looked up at him.

“What do you mean, ‘we have a problem’?” Joe asked.

Doctor Smith continued “I can definitely smell whiskey on his breath, mixing that with the sleeping powder could very possibly be lethal. We need to get him up. Mr. Cartwright, how much powder did you put in the glass?”

Ben answered, “only about half a tablespoon. I figured since he fell asleep on his own he wouldn’t need a full dose.”

The doctor looked a little more relieved. “Thank goodness for that, but still, I have no idea how much he had to drink, so let’s get him up.”

Neither Joe nor Hoss wanted to try and wake him. They both knew what a terrible job that was, and they both looked at their father. Ben looked at his two sons and rolled his eyes, then sat down on the bed next to Adam.

“Son, you have to wake up. It’s time to get up.” He shook Adam lightly and then spoke up a little more “ADAM! It’s time to get up.” He got no answer, he found himself starting to panic. What if it he doesn’t wake up? I have just killed my son. The knot in Ben’s stomach was tightening to an unbearable pitch.

Adam slurred “Paaa?”

“Yes, son. That’s it, wake up. We need you to wake up for us.”

Adam weakly lifted his head. “I’mmm tired. Cain’s not here Pa, he’s gone. I don’t hear him, I like it here, Pa.” With that, Adam’s head fell forward again. This time Ben shook Adam hard.

“NO, ADAM! YOU NEED TO OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AT ME!!!” he shouted.

It was the pain of being jostled that brought Adam back around. Don’t they understand, I like it here. There is nothing here, no desert, no Cain, no thoughts, just darkness. But the constant shaking and the urgent voices far away kept him from going down into the depths where he wanted to be. Finally he gave in and opened his eyes. “I just want to sleep, please let me sleep,” was all he could say.

As soon as it looked as if he was roused enough, the doctor told Joe and Hoss to get him up and start walking him around the room. They obliged, one man on either arm. Adam, although, was not cooperating and Hoss and Joe ended up walking while Adam dragged his feet. He was barely conscious and his head still hung forward. He just kept saying, “Let me sleep, I liked it there. No Cain, no gold, no games, just let me go there.”

Ben grabbed the water pitcher to fill with clean water. “You boys keep him up; I will go get some cold water. Let’s see if we can’t get him a little more alert.” He walked out of the room with Dr. Smith close behind.

“Mr. Cartwright, might I have a word with you?”

Ben stopped, and faced the doctor.

“Sir, I am not going to beat around the bush. Your son is a lucky man, but you cannot let him sleep for least the next 6 hours. He needs to get the powder and alcohol through his system. I have to go back to my office. Send someone if you need me, I should be there all night.” Doctor Smith turned and walked down the hall.

Ben was once again left alone. All he wanted to do is get Adam home. It had turned into something easier said than done. Shaking his head he thought, this is going to be a long night.

He suddenly felt like he had aged immeasurably in the past 7 days. He had been so happy to find Adam alive and would be forever grateful for that; but now he feared for his son. Ben just had to deal with the situation that was put before him. He walked down to the lobby and got the clerk to get them fresh water and a pot of coffee brought up to their rooms.

Walking back to the room Ben heard Hoss yelling. “Dangburnit Adam! Work with us! You gotta stay awake! Stop trying to sit, and walk around with us.” The next thing he heard was a crashing sound.

Ben rushed into the room just in time to see Hoss and Joe on the floor and Adam crawling back to the bed. Taking quick stock of everyone in the room, Ben rushed over to Adam and pulled him up to his feet before he got to the bed. Adam tried to free his arm from his father’s grip, but wasn’t able to.

“Pa, please! I am so tired I haven’t slept in what seems like years. I haven’t wanted to let myself sleep, but now I just have to. Please….” his voice started to trail off.

Ben gave him a sharp jerk which caused a shooting pain through Adam’s rib cage, bringing him back around.

“I know you want to sleep. But I put something to help you rest in the water you drank earlier, and then you decided to have happy hour on top of it. The doctor said that if you sleep it could kill you, so you have to stay with us, okay?”

Adam weakly shook his head. “I should have known you wouldn’t listen to me about the sleeping powder.”

Ben replied, “I’m sorry son. I was worried about you, and now I am more so. Coffee is coming, but right now I think the best thing for you is to walk around. Let Hoss help you.”

Hoss got to his feet and walked over to Adam. “I’ll help you out if you don’t try and trip me again. I dang near broke my foot and Joe was nearly crushed by the both of us.” He looked over at Joe who was still sitting on the floor, visibly shook by the vision of his two brothers falling towards him.

After Ben was sure Hoss had Adam, he went over to help Joe up. “Joe? You okay son? You look a little shook up.”

“Yeah, Pa. The sight of those two falling on top of me is something I wouldn’t want to relive anytime soon. I think I need a good stiff drink after that.”

As soon as the words left his mouth Joe regretted it, looking up to see his whole family staring at him. Joe quickly glanced down. “I was just kidding, Pa,” he quickly added.

Just then, as if willed by some higher power, a knock came at the door. It was the clerk bringing up the water and coffee. Joe jumped to the door, relieved for the distraction. “Yes, thank you,” he said quickly and took the things from the clerk.

Ben just shook his head, muttering to himself. “That’s what I need, another boy in his cups today.”

Hoss chuckled as he continued to coax Adam around the room. Time passed slowly for the men. Adam had woken up a bit more and was now trusted to sit without falling asleep instantly. When it looked as if he might doze off, Ben, Joe or Hoss would put a cold washcloth on his neck to revive him. The night grew later and Joe and Hoss were half asleep on the bed in the room.

Ben roused the two of them. “Boys, get up. It’s no fair you sleeping in front of your brother. Go in to the other room and try to get some shut-eye.”

Rubbing their eyes, they both got up and headed for the door. Just as the door was closing, Joe popped his head back in the door. “Are you sure you two are gonna be alright?”

Adam replied, “yes, Joe, we will be fine.” He added sarcastically, “Pa is doing a great job of prodding me.”

Ben shot Adam a look and then added. “I’ll call you if I need you to take over for me.” With that, Joe yawned, nodded his head and closed the door.

The two men just looked at each other for sometime. Ben had tried to start a conversation, but Adam had resisted. He could tell Adam was resentful of being treated like a child. Ben watched as Adam tried to give in to sleep, the more he blinked the longer his eyes would stay closed until finally they wouldn’t open. Ben once again would call Adam’s name and shake him awake.

The final time this occurred, both were surprised at Adam’s reaction. He could feel himself losing the battle again. It had been hours since this ordeal had started and his body was numb from exhaustion. He let his eyes close and his head fall forward onto his chin. Ben dozed off himself. When he opened his eyes, he was startled to see Adam obviously asleep in the chair. Ben jumped up from where he was sitting and grabbed Adam into a standing position.

Adam shot awake, looking at his father with fire in his eyes. He exploded. “I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!” he roared.

Ben, surprised at Adam’s reaction, let go of his son and stood there dumbfounded.

Adam continued. “I have been through enough? The desert, the robbery, CAIN. I can’t take anymore. I am going to explode. I just want my life to be my own. I want to sleep let me sleep! I don’t care if I die, right now anything is better than this.” He didn’t know what he was saying all he could feel was the walls he had carefully constructed inside himself were crashing down around him and everything he had been holding came rushing out.

Ben could see Adam was caught up in the moment, and he seized this opportunity to get Adam to talk about what happened. “Adam, tell me what happened. What happened all those days you were gone? Who was that man you had with you?”

Adam heard his father’s questions and desperately tried to stop talking, but again the words just wouldn’t stop. His knees buckled and he fell to the floor. A sob came out of him. “Pa, I have been to hell. That man, his name is Cain. I stumbled on his mine after those two men left me out there in the desert to die. Cain saved my life. If I hadn’t found his camp I would have died of exposure. He gave me water and food. We made a deal, I would work his mine for a few days and he would let me use his mule.” Adam shook his head. “I shouldn’t have done it, I should have taken my chances with the desert. I worked his mine while he sat there inspecting those damn rocks. The heat was unbelievable in that cave.” He closed his eyes, remembering the feeling of not being able to take a fresh breath, just the stale still air of that mine. He found himself gasping for air in the room.

Ben didn’t move a muscle. He was afraid if he made any kind of move, it would startle Adam enough to come to his senses and stop talking.

Adam’s eyes were closed as he relived every detail of his ordeal. “Cain worked me those three days like I have never worked before. Every time I took a break he was down my neck. But I stayed, Pa. I needed that mule and water to make it to Signal Rock. I was trapped. I worked and on the third day I reminded him of our deal. Everything changed in an instant. He killed the mule, Pa. He killed it. I was getting water and Cain shot that beast right in front of me. He then turned the gun on me. I was his pack animal; there was no way for me to refuse. It was work and get water, or slowly die of thirst.

“At that pointed I wanted to live. I worked in his mine, I carried those rocks out for him to inspect until I was hallucinating. If I walked out of that cave, he was right there quick to cut what little rations of food and water he gave me. He would make me serve him food and would not allow me to sit in the shade. I was forced to eat like an animal. Pa, the man was trying to break me, I know that now.” The tears were streaming down Adam’s face. “He tied me up at night so I couldn’t escape. There was never a time when he didn’t have a gun pointed at me. But he would never use it; I wished he had. I wish he had killed me. But he was never going to kill me; he enjoyed torturing me too much. We ran out of food and water and still he kept me working that mine.”

Adam laughed out loud. “There was no gold, there never was. He just wanted to play cat and mouse with me. When you called out to me, I really did try to call back.” Adam was now looking up into Ben’s face. “But again Cain stopped me. Pa, I am sorry I couldn’t reach you. I tried, I really did.”

Ben knelt down next to his son tears were visible on his face. “I know you did, son. I know you tried. I am sorry I couldn’t find you, I couldn’t help you.” Ben’s heart was breaking at every word his son spoke; he, too, was living Adam’s pain.

Adam didn’t want to admit to himself what happened next but he knew he had to keep going. He forced the words out with every breath he took. “I tried to kill that man. I did exactly what he was trying to get me to do. He couldn’t kill himself, so he wanted me to do it for him. He wanted to break me, prove to me that I could kill in cold blood. He wanted to prove to me that I was no better then the men that left me to die in the desert. He was hiding the food and water the whole time, he wanted to play one more hideous game with me.”

Adam stared blankly ahead, lost in thought while he talked. “He wanted me to kill or be killed. I couldn’t take it anymore; I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t play any more games. The food was there the whole time.” The memory of that made him fume, he continued with his jaw clenched.

“He put his gun between us. Whoever got to it first would be the one to leave with the water. It was to much….” He could no longer look at his father in the face, his voice was now just above a whisper. “Pa, I attacked him. I grabbed him by the throat and tried to choke the life out of him. I didn’t know what I was doing, and when I realized I was choking him to death, I stopped. All I wanted to do is get away from him. I took the water and food and tried to run. I heard him call me, and tell me that he won. I couldn’t let him win. I couldn’t let him die out there in the desert. Not like that. If he was going to play games with me, I wasn’t going to let him win, not after what he did to me. I dragged him out of there, I got him out of there and now I don’t care where he is.”

Adam, suddenly aware of his aching ribs, put his arms around himself in hopes that the pressure would relieve some of the pain. “What that man did to me hurts so much worse than any physical pain ever inflicted on a person.”

Ben couldn’t believe the story he was hearing from his son. He thought to himself, Hoss was wrong. What Adam had started to tell him was not a nightmare, but it was something Adam actually lived. From the sounds of it, hell was the perfect description of what had happened to him. He also knew that Adam’s pain was not over. What he had to tell him might just put Adam over the edge. He had to tell him that Cain was dead, that when they found him, they found Cain’s body as well.

Ben started slowly. “Adam, you need to hear what I am saying. You also need to know that what you did to that man was not done in cold blood; it was in self-defense. It might not have been with a gun, but he was going to kill you, no matter what you think. When we found you, we found Cain also. He was dead; we buried him out in the desert.”

Adam’s face turned white as a ghost. “My God, I killed him! I really killed! I should have known. Why didn’t I realize he was dead? He won, Cain won. I am a killer. I killed him in cold blood.” Adam was staring at his hands, once again feeling Cain’s throat in his grasp. He quickly jumped up and grabbed the chair next to him and threw it across the room. He turned to the dresser and sent the coffee carafe and water pitcher crashing to the floor.

Ben grabbed Adam and held him close. He walked with him to the bed and sat. Ben once again found himself holding his son, soothing him, trying to talk calmly to him. “He DID NOT win, Adam. You are not a killer. I told you that what you did was self-defense. If you didn’t kill him, he was never going to let you leave the desert alive. I know that from what you just told me. You can’t blame yourself for his death.”

“Can’t I, Pa? I am the one that attacked him. I let him provoke me into choking him. I let him use me as his instrument of suicide. He won; I am a killer. I am no better than him. I let that man kill everything I thought I knew about myself, and now I am left with nothing but the knowledge that I killed a man in cold blood. He is going to torture me for the rest of my life.”

Shaking his head Ben replied, “Adam, it is up to you to decide whether or not to let Cain win. He’s gone and what is done is done. What he did to you is unforgivable, but you have to move past this. You have to find it within yourself to keep what you KNOW about yourself true. If you hadn’t fought with him, it would have been you out in that grave. You are not a cold-blooded killer. If you were, do you think you would be so torn up about this? Do you think it would have changed your life so drastically? Adam, if you were a cold blooded killer, you would have choked that man to death when you first had your hands around his throat.”

Adam just didn’t know what to say, he was exhausted mentally and physically. He just couldn’t go on. He let the walls come down completely and he cried. ” Pa, I want to believe you. I want out of the desert!”

Ben put his arms around Adam and didn’t say a word; he just let him cry. There was nothing more to be said. If Adam was going to get past this, it was going to have to be up to him. Ben leaned against the headboard and let Adam fall asleep. He had been through enough.

————-

Adam awoke with a start, and he found himself alone in the room with a blanket over him. He must have been asleep for sometime; the sun was already high in the sky. With the exception of a headache of magnificent proportions and a dull ache in his ribs, he felt a little more rested and his heart didn’t ache so much. He thought back to last night when his father had told him that Cain was dead. At the moment Ben spoke those words, Adam felt the last vestige of himself had died right then and there. But today, with the light streaming into the room, he felt that maybe it wasn’t so. Only time could tell, he hoped.

Slowly Adam got up out of the bed, steadying himself against the sudden tilting of the floor. Cautiously he made his way to the door, only to be greeted by his youngest brother leaning on a chair in the hall.

“Hey sleeping beauty! I thought you would never get up!”

Adam looked at him quizzically. “What are you doing out here in the hall? Where’s Pa? I need to talk to him.”

“Pa is at the livery stable getting our horses saddled and ready. I am in the hall because nobody wanted you to wander into the street of the town on your own after the trouble you caused yesterday,” Joe said with a wicked grin on his face.

Adam nodded with a sardonic half smile on his face. Joe continued, “now go get your boots on, and let’s go and get some food. Pa and Hoss are gonna meet us at the café and then we are gonna head out.”

Adam held the door open wider to accommodate his brother entering the room. Joe looked around at the broken porcelain on the dresser, then quickly looked away. He didn’t want Adam to see in his face what he was thinking.

“Joe, I talked to Pa. I didn’t want to, but I just couldn’t stop. You were right. I had to talk about what happened, I had to let the pressure out. Thank you for not telling Pa. I am sorry I asked you to do that, I’m sorry that I had to burden you with my secret.”

Joe walked up to Adam and unexpectedly hugged him, like Adam used to do when Joe was a young boy. Adam always knew how to comfort him when they were children. And all Joe could think of doing was to do exactly like his older brother would have done. No words were necessary.

———

As they entered the busy café, Hoss spotted them and motioned them to the table.

“Hey, Adam! I see you found your personal guard waiting for you.”

Adam threw an arm around Joe. “I guess it was Joe’s turn to do some babysitting, Lord knows I’ve done it enough with him.” He shot Joe a look waiting to see the short-lived expression of triumph on Joe’s face.

“How’s about some coffee and something to eat? I’m starved.”

“Well, I can tell you right now the pancakes are what to order. I’ve already had myself two helpings,” Hoss said with a smile.

“Then pancakes it is!” Adam said as he waved the waitress over.

Ben was waiting for the horses to be saddled so he could pay the man and get himself and his sons home to the Ponderosa. The thought of home brought a smile to his face. The last time he saw it, he was leaving with a heavy heart to find his son. Now with all three sons safe he was going to bring them home.

His mind once again wandered to Adam; this had been his constant thought for these last couple of weeks. After last night, Ben hoped things would be better for Adam. He knew it would be along time, if ever, before Adam could really forget what happened, but hopefully the experience wouldn’t consume his oldest son forever.

Still lost in thought, the stable master had startled him when he handed Ben the reins of the four horses. He gladly paid the stable master and headed towards the café where he knew his sons would be waiting for him.

What Ben found when he entered the café filled his heart with hope and happiness. Adam, Joe and Hoss laughing. He knew just from the looks on their faces that Joe and Adam were teasing Hoss about something, although Hoss was enjoying the joshing. Ben could tell even from a distance that the joke was on Hoss. With a smile on his face Ben walked over to his family and sat down.

————

Adam had elected himself to stay outside with the horses while his family went back to the hotel and collected their belongings and settled the bill. All Adam had was his saddlebags and he knew his father would get it for him. After much coercion and a solemn promise to stay out of the saloon. Ben finally agreed to let him wait outside on his own.

Adam had enjoyed himself at breakfast with his family. He really truly smiled and felt happy for the first time since everything had happened. But looking down the road that lead outside of town suddenly darkened Adam’s mood. He would have to go through the desert again to get home. The thought of that caused his heart to sink.

This has got to stop, he thought to himself. I can get through this. Suddenly Adam stopped the boy who had been walking past him. “Hey there, young man. How would you like to earn a dollar?”

With wide eyes the boy answered, “Sure, mister!”

Minutes later Adam was heading out of town in a full gallop and into the desert. He had paid the boy to watch the other three horses and to give his family the message that he would be back. He knew his Pa would be upset, but Adam had to be alone and it had to be in the desert.

Stopping about three miles outside of town, he found himself alone. Out of breath and afraid of what might happen; the ride was more that he should have done. With his sided aching and his head pounding, he sat on the ground and tried to stop the throbbing by rubbing the heal of his hands into his forehead and laying back in the sand. Taking a pause and listening to the silence of the desert, he started to yell. “Cain, you might have beaten me in this battle, but I will NOT let you win the war! Do you hear me! I am sick of the games you are still playing with me: I will not let you haunt me.” Calming down a bit he added to himself, in time the things you did to me will be just a memory, and nothing more.

He lay there a few more minutes, feeling the tension start to slowly drain out of him. Soon, because the sun was already hot in the sky, he got up and went to the shade of a lonely tree. He felt more at peace than he had in quite some time. Since talking with his Pa and his brothers, Cain and the desert seemed to have lost their hold on him. Adam knew it was far from over, there were still other battles he’d have to fight in order to deal with all that had happened in the last couple of weeks. At least he knew he wouldn’t have to do it alone. His family would give him the strength he needed. And where once that thought alone would have frightened him, now he welcomed it.

For quite some time he sat there, staring out into the desert, seeing its beauty for the first time since being waylaid. Closing his eyes, he let the silence once again wash over him. He’d come out here to confront his demons, and found that, because of his family, they had already gone.

Suddenly, he heard three gunshots in the distance. At first he was startled, thinking of Cain and his heart started to race, then he smiled. Of course his family had come looking for him as they always had, always would. He took out his own gun and shot into the air three times in reply. Mounting Sport, Adam rode back toward the town to meet them and begin the long journey home.

The End