Summary: Hoss thought Joe’s problem with food had been solved years ago. But he wasn’t as right as he thought.

Rating: T, discussion of eating disorders.
Word count: 2,343

---

“I’ll grab something later. Gotta get out to switch with the boys on watch.” Joe snagged a full canteen and his rifle before heading out to the herd. They were only three days out from delivering without losing a single head, and he was on night watch until just after midnight. If everything went right, they’d be on their way home within the week. He clapped Hoss on the shoulder as he passed the fire and left the ring of light.

In truth, he was pretty hungry. He hadn’t eaten anything for lunch that day, and only had a cup of coffee at daybreak. Oh sure, there was no shortage of water, but that only went so far to curb his hunger. Joe took another drink from his canteen anyway. He’d have to eat something eventually he figured, but until it was absolutely necessary, he didn’t want to. Once he reached the man who was on watch, he hailed him and sent him into the chuck wagon and dinner. 

He settled himself down to lean against a rock that was still warm from the sun shining on it all day. The surface of the granite boulder was covered in rough patches of lichen that flaked off as Joe slid down it. He ran his hand through his hair before replacing his hat onto his head and looking around. It was going to be a calm night.

Four hours later, he was relieved from the watch by the next man. Josiah had been with them for a few drives before, but he never stuck around for day to day ranch work. He was a good worker though, and a rather fun fellow to have around. He always had a ready joke when spirits were turning south, or an open ear if anyone needed. Joe liked the man and was always happy to see that he was looking to sign on for one of the Ponderosa’s drives. Joe nodded his thanks and left Josiah to go back to camp. When he got back to camp, the fire was burning low, so he added another log then settled down into his bedroll, asleep almost as soon as he pulled the blanket over himself.

The next morning, Joe woke when Candy kicked his feet as he went around the fire waking all the men for the day. The chuck wagon cook had already boiled water for coffee and was starting in on making breakfast. Joe filled his cup, drained it, and refilled it before wandering over to the horses. One of the steers had run into the horse Josiah had been riding yesterday and caused it to trip. The horse had seemed fine after the episode, but Joe wanted to make sure the gelding was still alright now that the night had passed. 

He ran his hands down each of the horse’s legs and felt each joint. Finding nothing wrong, Joe gave all the other horses a cursory glance to make sure all the mounts were ready for the day. By the time he was done, he noticed with satisfaction that all the men were done with breakfast and were breaking camp. Joe inwardly grinned that he had gotten out of eating again and moved to saddle his pinto. 

“Hey, Joe! Don’t you want breakfast?”

“Naw, I’m good Candy. Had a couple cups of coffee. I can have something at lunch.” He mounted his horse and turned to ride out to get the cattle moving. He missed the look that his older brother Hoss threw his way as he rode past.

“Hoss, what’s up with him? He skipped dinner last night too.”

“I’ll talk to ‘im. Maybe he’s just off his feed a bit.”

As it went, no one got any lunch at all. The herd reached a river that was normally an easy crossing. But this year, there had been uncharacteristically heavy rains for the season. Which meant that a crossing that was normally 18 inches deep had turned into something that was nearly four feet deep and had slick mud up both banks. It took all the men nearly three hours and a lot of convincing to get the herd across. After, they made the call to get as many miles behind them as they could then just make camp for the night. 

The chuck wagon cook dished up plates for each man, and Joe helped hand them out. He had slid one out of the stack and back to the supplies, so even though all the plates were filled, he once again managed to not have to eat anything. 

He tried the same trick the next morning at breakfast. However, before he managed to slip out of the camp, Hoss stopped him and gave him no choice but to answer some questions.

“Alright, little brother. What’s goin’ on with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You didn’t eat anythin’ for breakfast, nothin’ at all yesterday, and nothin’ fer dinner the night before. Ya sick or somethin’?”

“No Hoss, I’m not sick.”

“Well, yer gonna be if you keep going at this rate. I have a hunch it’s been even longer than that since you last had anythin’ substantial.”

Joe glanced away and tried to slide around the chuck wagon, but Hoss was deceptively quick when he wanted to be and shoved him back against it, successfully preventing his escape.

“Joe, you ain’t getting away from me this time.”

“Oh come on, Hoss! I can take care of myself.”

“Listen, yer still my baby brother, and that gives me a certain amount of allowance when it comes to worryin’ about ya. Now tell me when it was ya last had somethin’ to eat.”

Joe knew he had lost the fight and gave in to answer the question, “Two days before last.”

“Why’re ya doin’ this to yerself? I thought we solved this years ago, Joe?”

The younger man shrugged. He wasn’t entirely sure why this had made a reappearance. Joe chewed on his bottom lip and thought about his answer. He traced the start back about a month ago. At first, he had still been eating, but was careful about the amount. It soon progressed to smaller amounts at each meal. Then just one or two meals a day. Then just one. Now for the last few days he hadn’t ingested anything other than coffee and water. And he was starting to feel the effects. He’d gone to sleep with a headache and woken up with the same one. After the river crossing yesterday, Joe was quite a bit more tired than he thought he should have been. If he was being honest with himself, he had found it a chore just to stay upright in the saddle for the last hour and a half before they made camp for the day.

But as for what had triggered it?

“Do you remember last time I … had this problem?”

“When you tried to starve yerself and ended up passing out and falling off yer pony? Yeah, I remember that. You’d lost nearly 20 pounds in just one month. Is it the same reason, Joe?” Hoss remembered that time. He didn’t think he’d ever forget finding his brother just lying there in the middle of the trail. And when he’d picked him up, it had barely taken any effort at all. That had been when Adam was still on the Ponderosa. And their older brother had done a lot of research about nutrition over the following few months. Eventually, they had gotten Joe back to a healthy weight. He was still on the slim side, but at least he didn’t look like a waif anymore. Eventually, they’d pried it outta him that he simply didn’t feel like he deserved to be eating. And Adam’s research had shifted from nutrition to psychology. 

Hoss watched his younger brother carefully and waited for an answer. Finally, Joe looked away from Hoss and nodded slightly. He wasn’t sure if the problem had ever gone away entirely, but he was certain that he needed to be punished. Oh, it wasn’t that he had done anything specific that needed discipline, but in general, he was kinda a screw up. He’d spent enough time in his life trying to get out of work, and in his own opinion, he was just not worth much. Maybe it wasn’t so much that he deserved to be punished, but he certainly did not deserve to eat. 

But if he said that to anyone, no one would understand it. 

So he simply took his self-imposed punishment into his own hands. But he’d been caught. And he knew that Hoss would be forcing him into ‘normal’ eating habits again. Which, if he had to admit to himself, he was happy for. It meant that someone cared. That maybe he didn’t deserve the punishment. That maybe it really was ok if he ate three square meals each day. 

It also brought a few additional problems, which made themselves apparent about a half hour later. Hoss had sat Joe down and made him eat a full breakfast. Once they got back on the trail, Joe felt the food sitting uncomfortably solid in his stomach. He and Candy were riding drag that day. A few of the steers had broken off from the group and Joe ran Cochise after them. He got the steers back to the group, no problem, but it had taken a fair amount of movement and activity. He breathed deeply and swallowed a few times, but it was no use. Joe dismounted quickly and bent over with his hands on his knees before he lost the breakfast that Hoss had made him eat. 

Apparently eating such a large amount after not putting anything solid in his stomach for nearly 72 hours had been too much for him. He closed his eyes and just let his body purge itself as it needed. He felt a hand on his back and another snake in front of him to support his chest. Eventually his vomiting ran its course and he was able to calm his breathing back to normal. He wiped the back of his hand across his mouth and gratefully took the canteen that was held out to him before tipping some water into his mouth and rinsing before spitting it onto the dusty ground.

“Alright?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“This why you haven’t been eating?”

“This is BECAUSE I haven’t been eating.” He looked up at the man who was helping him and was unsurprised to find that it was Candy. And he was further unsurprised that the next 15 minutes had him explaining the entire thing to his friend.

*****

“So you’ve done this to yourself.”

“Yep.”

“And you meant to.”

“Yep.”

“And you know that’s not healthy?”

“Yes, Candy, yes! But it just… you won’t understand.” Joe sighed and took another drink of water.

“Ok, then let me try to understand. You felt that you didn’t deserve to eat.

Joe nodded.

“Be-caaaauuse…..”

“Listen, it barely makes sense to me, how am I supposed to explain it to you?!”

“Ok fine. We’ll skip that. What do you need me to do?”

“About what?”

Candy flapped his hands around in exasperation. “To help, you moron! How do I help you?!”

Joe just looked at him blankly for a few moments before realizing that there were now two people who wanted him to stop punishing himself and who thought that he deserved a normal amount of food. He gave a small smile and huffed a slight laugh while shaking his head. He couldn’t make sense of it. But it was now two to one. So he apparently had no choice. And he had to admit that it felt nice to know people cared. Maybe he should just say something next time the intrusive thoughts started. Maybe it wasn’t a bad thing to rely on others, especially if the people were Hoss and Candy.

“Well?” Candy was getting impatient. His worry in seeing Joe out of the blue like that had turned into a deep-seated need to help his friend.

But Joe just shrugged. “I don’t rightly know. I got pretty good at hiding it last time. And this time, I’d been restricting for about a month before cutting food entirely.” 

“So if I don’t see you actually eat, it’s a good chance you didn’t, no matter what you say?”

“That’s about the long and the short of it.”

Candy nodded. He could work with that. But he also knew that he’d have to ease Joe back onto solid foods. From what he had witnessed, the other man was simply not going to be able to eat full meals until his body was worked back up to it. 

“Alright.” He nodded again. “Yeah, okay. So, you don’t get any heavy food for a few days, and you eat right next to me.”

The look he gave Joe prevented any arguments.

*****

Dinner went better than breakfast did. Candy had spoken with the chuck wagon cook for him and the man made a light beef broth based soup. It was mostly liquid, but had a few carrots, potatoes, and some rice thrown in. The foreman had also filled Hoss in on the situation from earlier and the other man came to talk with Joe out of earshot from all the other hands. 

“Candy told me what happened, Joe.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yer sorry? Why’re you sorry? I should be sorry for making ya eat so much that you had ta go through that!”

“You thought you were doing the right thing. And… you kinda were. I mean, now both you and Candy know and between ya, I don’t have a choice but to admit that what I was doing to myself wasn’t healthy.”

Both men knew that Joe’s problem wasn’t entirely gone. It would probably make a reappearance again in the future. But with both his brother and best friend looking out for him, Joe figured he had a good chance that he would make a decent recovery.

END