Summary:  Ben is worried that his memories of Marie will fade with time.
Rating:  G  2,745 words

The Rose

Based on an idea from Jenny.
Thank you my friend!

Ben Cartwright sighed as he picked up the shawl and held it against his cheek for a moment.  It felt so soft to the touch … almost as if … he shook his head firmly and placed it in the trunk along with the dresses that lay there before turning back to the dresser again and picked up the next item of clothing.  He smiled as he stroked the green dress in his hands fondly.  He remembered the night that he’d last seen Marie in this.  It had been last Christmas Eve and they were attending the social at the Henderson’s.  Marie had fairly shone that night, her beauty apparent for all to witness and Ben had been so proud of her.

He placed the green dress in the trunk as well and turned back to open the next drawer of the dresser.  He had been putting off doing this for so long … dreading the chore of putting his wife’s personal things away … and it was proving to be as onerous a task as he had imagined it to be. Still, it had to be done and Ben Cartwright was not the sort of man to let someone else do it for him. Hard though it was, each article of Marie’s clothing and possessions brought back memories of her … and with the memories came the pain that Ben had been trying to suppress during these past few months.

‘Pa?’ Ben turned sharply to see Adam standing in the doorway. ‘Are you all right?’

‘I’m fine son,’ Ben replied, placing yet another blouse in the trunk. ‘I’m just putting some of Marie’s things away.’ Adam came into the room and sat down on the bed to watch his father. ‘Where is Little Joe?’ Ben asked as he worked.

‘Downstairs.  I asked Hoss to watch him for a while.’  Ben nodded.  Little Joe unsupervised was not a good thing and they all knew if they couldn’t watch the child, to find another member of the family who could, before leaving him. ‘Are you sure you’re all right to do that?’ Adam asked after a moment. ‘I’m sure that Hop Sing would do it if you asked him to.’

‘I’d rather do it myself,’ replied his father. He picked up another shawl. ‘This one brings back memories. Marie used to wrap Little Joe in it when he was first born.  She’d sit here by the window nursing him …’ His voice trailed away as he brought the shawl up and buried his face in it. Adam watched as his father stood for a moment lost in thought, noting the frown on his face as he did so.

‘Pa?’ he said.

Ben shook his head. ‘I’m all right son,’ he said. ‘It’s just …’ He wiped his hand over his face and sighed before putting the shawl in the trunk with the other things. ‘Sometimes I feel as if I’m losing her all over again,’ he said quietly.

‘Again?’

Ben nodded. ‘Her … smell … is beginning to fade from all of these things.  It’s as if her touch is gradually leaving everything around here.’  He smiled. ‘I suppose that’s natural.  After all it’s been six months now.’

Adam bit his lip. ‘I suppose so.’  He looked at his father, desperate to help the man, yet not knowing how to. ‘You won’t ever forget her Pa,’ he said quietly.

Ben smiled at his son. ‘I know that,’ he said. ‘None of us will. But … time makes things fade son.  My memories of Marie are fresh now, but … in time they will become more distant.’

‘Did that happen with my mother?’

Ben looked startled. Adam hardly ever referred to his own mother and the fact that he did so now showed his father just how much he was hurting through all of this.  Ben knew that they were all hurting. ‘Yes,’ he said simply. ‘Yes it did.  With Inger too.  Much and all as we don’t want it to, we lose part of those we love once they’re gone. I just feel …. It’s hard to think that it will happen again, that’s all.’

There was silence between them for a few moments as Ben methodically put things into the trunk. ‘Is that going into the attic?’ asked Adam finally.

‘Yes. I suppose it’s silly.  I really should give some of these things to someone who could use them, but I really don’t feel that I’m up to that yet,’ replied Ben. ‘One step at a time as they say, eh?’  He closed another empty drawer and opened a third one. ‘I’m going to keep a few things down here.’  He indicated a small pile of things on the bed. ‘Her music box.  Little Joe loves it so and I thought we could keep it downstairs so that he can listen to it now and then.  I’ll leave her jewellery in the safe for the day when Little Joe might want them for his own wife.’  Adam grinned at the thought of his little tearaway brother with a wife. ‘And there are a few things I thought you boys might want to keep as mementos,’ finished his father. ‘Take whatever you’d like.’

Adam picked up a few books and fingered them. ‘These would be great,’ he said. ‘If that’s all right.’

Ben reached out and took them from his son’s hands, turning them over so that he could read the titles. ‘Fine,’ he said, handing them back to Adam. ‘Marie would like to think of you having them. ‘I’ll ask Hoss to have a look later. I thought that he might like her riding crop.’

‘I’m sure he would,’ agreed Adam. ‘What about Little Joe?’

Ben sighed. ‘I don’t really know,’ he said. ‘He’s so little … I don’t know that anything would hold much significance for him at the moment.’

‘If you told him how Marie used to nurse him as a baby wrapped in that shawl he might like to keep that,’ suggested Adam.

‘You think so?  That’s a good idea son.’  Ben took the shawl out of the trunk and placed it on the bed again before closing the lid of the trunk. ‘Well that’s the dresser done. ‘I’ll start on her cupboard next.’

There was a bang and a shout from downstairs and both men jumped slightly. ‘Sounds as if Hoss could do with some help down there,’ said Adam with a grin. ‘I’ll see to them Pa.’

‘Thank you son,’ said Ben. ‘Later on you might help me carry this trunk up to the attic?’

‘Sure,’ said Adam as he left the room.

Ben sat down on the bed, suddenly too tired and dispirited to keep going. It was true what he’d said to his son.  He really felt as if he was losing Marie all over again, and putting her things away didn’t help at all.  For a moment the old pain washed over him and he felt as if he was losing control as he had so many times during the past few months, but then he shook himself in a determined fashion. ‘No!’ he said aloud. He knew with certainty that those times were past and while he might have the occasional moment of despair he would never again allow it to consume himself as it had previously.  Never again would he sink into that hole in which there was no hope.  Never again would he allow his grief to overtake his duty to his boys and his love of life.  Marie wouldn’t want him to stop living and he had no intention of doing so.  Still … it was hard and he wanted desperately to hold onto her even as he felt her slipping away again. Ben sighed as he stood up and walked to his wife’s cupboard. He flung it open in a determined fashion and began to take out the dresses that hung there.

============

Ben put his coffee cup down on the wooden table in front of him and smiled at the sound of Little Joe’s squealing.  The little boy was running around the front yard beaming as his brother Hoss ran after him, pretending to be a wild bear. ‘Ya can’t catch me!’ shouted the child with delight as he sprinted towards the corral.  Ben thought that he was probably right.  Young as he was, Little Joe was amazingly quick on his feet; a fact that Ben had personally experienced many times when he’d tried to catch him to give him a well deserved spanking for something.  Marie used to say … Ben stopped for a moment. What was it that she used to say?  Oh yes, that the boy was part jackrabbit!  Ben chuckled at the memory of it, thankful that he could now.  Only a few weeks ago he wouldn’t have been able to do even that much.

He stood up and leant against the pole on the front porch, watching his two boys at their play.  Little Joe scooted around the back of the barn and Hoss followed him, intent on catching his faster little brother for once. Ben leant his head on the pole and closed his eyes, thinking back to the many afternoons he and Marie had sat here watching the boys as he was doing now.  If only she were still here.  If only … Ben opened his eyes and looked at the climbing rose, so close to his face.  He breathed in its fragrance and instantly it brought back the memories of that day a few years ago …

‘What did you go and buy that for?’ Ben asked, trying not to allow his irritation with his wife show too much in the tone of his voice.

Marie looked at him indignantly. ‘I bought it because it’s beautiful,’ she said. ‘Don’t you think so?’  She held the fragrant red rose close to his face so that he could smell it.

‘I didn’t say that it wasn’t beautiful,’ said Ben grumpily as he shifted Little Joe from one hip onto the other.  The baby wriggled constantly and his father would be very glad when he began to walk and not have to be carried around whenever they were in town. Then again, perhaps not, he thought as he reconsidered.  The thought of a mobile Little Joe caused him to change his mind about wishing that the baby were able to walk. Ben was sure that they’d have to watch this particular youngster very carefully once he found his feet. ‘I just meant that it is a waste to buy a flower when we need so many other things,’ he finished.

Marie put her hands on her hips. ‘Ben Cartwright!’ she admonished him. ‘Sometimes we need to have things not only because they are practical, but because we need them.’

‘I don’t see why we need a rose,’ persisted Ben. ‘The money you spent on that would have bought enough seeds for our vegetable garden to last the whole season.

‘Yes,’ said his wife as she put the plant into the back of the buckboard. ‘And next year we’ll need seeds again. Or if it’s not seed,s it will be something else.  We’re always going to need something Ben and in the meantime are we supposed to do without beauty in our lives because of it?

‘Of course not.  Only …’

Marie wiggled a finger at him. ‘One day you’ll be glad that I bought this,’ she said. ‘One day you’ll thank me for it.’  She held out her arms for the squirming baby on Ben’s hip and settled him on her lap, as she waited for her husband to climb up into the buggy. She gave him a sideways glance as they started off towards home. ‘It’s red one,’ she said after a while.

‘Hmph!’

Marie tried again. ‘It will have a beautiful fragrance.’

Ben’s frown deepened. ‘Will it?’ he said tersely.

Marie continued to hold the fidgeting baby on her lap with one arm and linked the other under Ben’s, while resting her curly head on his shoulder. ‘Don’t be angry,’ she said softly. ‘I really need that rose darling.  It’s … food for my soul.’

Ben gave her a puzzled look. ‘Food for your soul?’ he asked.

‘Yes.  Haven’t you ever wanted something just … because?’ she asked. ‘For no other reason than you just knew that you need it in your life?’

‘I suppose so,’ Ben acknowledged.

‘Well, that’s how I feel about this rose,’ said Marie. ‘I just want something beautiful to look at. Something that isn’t there for a practical reason.  Something that is there just because we want to enjoy it. I thought we could plant it in a pot near the front porch and let it climb up over the roof. It will look beautiful in a few years, Ben.’

‘I suppose so,’ said Ben. ‘Now that you’ve bought it, I suppose we’ll have to put it somewhere.’

Marie smiled up at him. ‘Thank you,’ she said happily and kissed the top of Little Joe’s curly head as he gurgled happily on her lap.

Ben remembered planting that rose just where Marie had wanted him to put it.  Many nights they’d sat out here on this very porch looking up at the stars when the boys were finally in bed, discussing their plans for the ranch and talking over events of the day.  The fragrance of the rose had become an indelible part of those times and as he smelt it now it brought them back to him so vividly.

It occurred to him that the scent of this flower was a part of Marie as well.  She had loved it so and had always brought the cut flowers into their bedroom to enjoy, when she could.  He buried his face in it and smelt the fragrance of the flower … her flower … her fragrance. Suddenly he knew that as long as this flower bloomed each spring, the scent of Marie would always be with him and that thought caused his heart to lift. She had been right. The plant had now grown so much that it was beginning to trail across the roof and its blooms were large and beautiful. Its fragrance once more pierced his soul as it brought back memories of her. It was the best reminder of his beloved Marie that he would ever have.

Suddenly Little Joe appeared from around the other side of the barn, Hoss close on his heels.  He ran straight over to his father, jumping up into Ben’s outstretched arms with a giggle. ‘Save me Pa!’ he shouted as Hoss tried to reach up and catch him and Ben swung the little boy upwards and away from his brother with a chuckle. He buried his face in towards the child and revelled at the fresh smell of him, smiling as his little son giggled again.

‘Well my little jackrabbit,’ he said. ‘What are you up to?’

Little Joe hugged his father around the neck and Ben held him close for a moment longer. ‘Hoss was chasing me Pa,’ said the child. ‘But he didn’t catch me!’

‘No,’ said his father. ‘I guess he didn’t.’  He held the boy back at arm’s length and marvelled at how very much like his mother he was. Ben smiled as he stared at his son with the rose behind him in the background. No … he realised with a start … the rose was the second best reminder that he would have of his beloved Marie. He was holding the best reminder of her in his arms.

He looked down at Hoss and then over at Adam who was standing at the other end of the porch laughing at one of his brothers trying to reach the other who was secure in his father’s arms. At that moment Ben knew that it didn’t matter how time eroded his memories of his three wonderful wives.  He would always have the living memories of them here in the form of his three sons.  Living memories that he would cherish all the more for the links they were to their mothers.

‘Come on,’ he said to the child in his arms. ‘Let’s pick some of these roses to put in the house, shall we?’

Little Joe scrunched up his nose and gave his father a puzzled look. ‘How come Pa?’ he asked.

‘Just because,’ said Ben with a smile. ‘No special reason … just so we can enjoy them.’

The End