Summary:  Adam travels home from college
Rating:  G   10,130 words

A Long Way Home

New York

Adam Cartwright sat up in his seat and craned his neck to get a last backwards view of the tall buildings behind him, as the train rounded the bend. He sighed, then straightened up again on his seat and looked at the high embankment beside him that was now effectively blocking out the view. He wished that he’d had more than one day to spend in New York, but it was either catch the train today or wait another five days for a connection to Albany. He was travelling through a lot of large cities on his way, but he knew that none of them could compare to New York.

He’d been lucky enough to spend some time there two summers ago when he’d been invited to visit a friend from college and his family, and had thoroughly enjoyed it. The opportunities that the city offered to see plays and musicals were many, and he’d taken advantage of the time away from his vacation time to indulge himself completely in such things. There must be nowhere on earth, he decided, that would quite live up to the city of New York.

Still, he didn’t begrudge not having the time to spend there this time. After all, he might have plenty of chances to be there in the future. He turned his thoughts away from such things, knowing that he had plenty of time ahead of him … too much time now that he thought about it … in which to think about such things. 

He really wasn’t looking forward to this long and exhausting trip at all, but if he was to get back to his family again, there was no other alternative. His grandfather had offered to pay for his sea passage which would have cut the travelling time considerably, but Adam would have none of it. He supposed that he had his father’s Cartwright pride, he thought ruefully. Ben Cartwright was known as a stubborn man and Adam knew that it was one trait that he’d inherited from him. It just hadn’t seemed the right thing to do to accept such a gift from his grandfather and Adam had finally convinced the old man that he was looking forward to seeing the countryside again … which he couldn’t do if he had travelled by sea.

He thought back to the steamship he’d travelled on from Boston to get to New York and how much he’d absolutely loved the water voyage. He’d made that trip before of course, but it never ceased to amaze him just how much he enjoyed travelling by water. He supposed it should be so, considering his heritage with both his grandfather and his father coming from sailing backgrounds. 

He’d been far too excited to sleep much on the boat and was now feeling very drowsy indeed. All the hectic weeks of study and the excitement of his graduation would no doubt be catching up with him now and at least now he could afford to sleep. There wasn’t much to see at all until they got to Detroit and so he leant his head against the window and stared out of it, his mind thinking back to that morning when he’d said goodbye to his grandfather in Boston ….

Adam put out his hand. “Well, I suppose this is it,” he said, trying to control his emotions as he looked at the old man. “It’s time to get on board the boat.”

Abel Stoddard gazed at the young man in front of him, his heart nearly breaking at the thought that he might never see him again. “Yes,” he said simply, trying to hide his feelings with his gruff voice. “You take care of yourself Adam … have a good trip.”

“I will,” Adam assured him. They stood for a moment looking at each other before Abel reached out, took his grandson’s hand and drew him towards him in an uncharacteristic gesture of affection. Adam responded to the hug and for a moment the two men held onto each other, not wanting to ever let go. 

Adam thought back to how it had been three years ago, when he’d first come to Boston and met his grandfather. Neither of them had really known how to act with each other at the time and it had taken many months before they’d passed the point of just being polite in each other’s company. Once they had, however, they’d become as close as grandfather and grandson could possibly be.

They had both appreciated the opportunity to get to know each other over an extended period of time and between them they cherished Elizabeth … daughter to one and mother to the other. She had become a common bond between them … Abel having the opportunity to relive his memories of his daughter as he talked to her son about her and Adam having the opportunity to learn about the mother he’d never known, from the man who’d known her best. 

As they finally drew apart, Adam smiled at his grandfather. “I want to …” he hesitated, the words not coming easily to him. “I want to … thank you,” he said sincerely. “For all that you’ve done for me Grandfather. I never could have got through these past three years if it hadn’t been for you.”

Abel smiled at his grandson, tears brimming in his eyes. “Of course you would have,” he said. “You’re a wonderful young man Adam and I’m very proud of you. Your mother would be so proud of you as well if she were here to see you now.”

“Thank you,” Adam replied, tears springing to his own eyes. “It means a lot to me to hear you say that, Grandfather.”

“You take care now,” said Abel, patting his grandson on the arm. “Give my regards to your father and those two young brothers of yours.” He hesitated for a moment. “And promise me that you’ll think about things.”

“Of course I will,” Adam assured him, knowing that the man was referring to him coming back again. His grandfather was hoping that once Adam had the opportunity to see his family again, then he’d make the decision to settle back here in the east after all. He swallowed, knowing that it was a decision that he’d think about a lot in the weeks ahead of him and wouldn’t be one that he’d come to lightly. “I’ll always remember you Grandfather,” he added. “No matter what I decide.”

“And I you, my boy,” said Abel, wiping his eyes. “I, you.”  He swallowed and tried to compose himself. “I still wish that you had let me pay for your sea passage,” he added. “This trip of yours is unnecessary, you know.”

Adam shook his head. “We’ve been through all this before,” he said. “You’ve done enough for me Grandfather by allowing me to live with you all this time. I couldn’t possibly let you pay for my passage on a ship as well. It would be too much on top of everything else. Besides …” he lied, “I’m looking forward to the trip and seeing everything I did on the way out here. The long way suits me fine.”

Abel gave him a slight push. “Well you’d better get on board that steamship or you’ll miss it,” he said.

Adam gave him once last smile and turned towards the gangplank.   He hesitated for a moment before turning back to his grandfather and hugging him tightly. “I love you,” he said, before turning once more to the steamship and walking up the gangplank.

Abel watched him go with tears in his eyes. “Hurry back, grandson,” he said softly, as he waved. 

Adam knew just how much his grandfather was hoping that he’d come back and if he was begin honest with himself, he knew that a big part of him wanted to as well. He fingered the letter in his pocket that the man had given him before they’d left the house that last morning. In it his grandfather had said things that he couldn’t bring himself to say face to face with his grandson. His love and pride in his grandson had shone through each word and Adam knew that he would cherish the pages forever. 

He also knew just how much the old man would miss him … as he himself would miss his grandfather. He bit his lip as he looked out of the train window, at the passing houses on the outskirts of the great city. He was leaving behind him the love of an old man who needed him, as well as everything he’d known here for the past few years. For a moment he wondered how on earth he could be contemplating doing such a thing, but then he remembered what he was going towards.

He smiled as he thought of the white-haired man with the dark brown eyes whom he loved so dearly. He thrilled at the thought of seeing his father again after all this time, as well as those two younger brothers of his of whom he was so fond. Hoss would be quite grown up now, he reasoned. Considering how big he’d been when Adam had left, he assumed that he’d have some trouble calling him his little brother anymore. Little Joe …. well for a child his age, the time lapse could have brought about so many changes that his little brother might be quite unrecognisable to him. He sighed. Father, brothers, grandfather … why couldn’t life be simple? He leant his head against the window and was soon lulled to sleep by the soft rocking of the carriage as it carried him westward.

 ++++++++++

Illinois

Adam couldn’t help but feel restless with the inactivity that was forced upon him. There was only so much sleep a man could take after all, and if he allowed himself to drop off again then he knew that he wouldn’t sleep tonight. The small bunk in the sleeping car was uncomfortable enough at the best of times and he certainly didn’t relish having to lie there without being able to sleep, on top of everything else. 

He’d lost count of how many nights he’d spent on one train after another. It was strange to think that he’d actually been looking forward to this part of the trip and decided that he must have a selective memory if he’d thought that train travel could be in the least bit enjoyable. He glanced at the book on his lap and closed it fretfully. He’d been relishing the opportunity to read fiction again after having to read nothing but his college books for so long and had indulged himself during the stopover in Detroit by stocking up on some wonderful novels. The only problem was, now that he had time to read them, he found that he just couldn’t concentrate for long.

His mind kept drifting back to what he was leaving behind. With each city that they went through he felt more and more agitated at the thought of everything that he was turning his back on and wondered if he had done the right thing by insisting on this trip?  He wanted so much to see his family once again, but …

There was always that but … the one that occupied his mind every day. What was he to do? What should his decision be? He felt like he was leaving behind so many things that he loved …. Rachel, his grandfather, his friends, his career, his social pursuits that he’d enjoyed so much … his life as it had been for so long now. The life that he’d become accustomed to and enjoyed so much. 

He looked out of the window at the tall buildings as they pulled out of the station. Chicago hadn’t really inspired him very much and he was beginning to feel as if one city was the same as another. Maybe his feelings were telling him that his future lay in front of him and not behind? Well, he had six months in which to decide. Mr Wilkins had at least given him that.

He dreaded to think of what his father would say if he knew the thoughts that were invading his brain. Ben Cartwright had struggled to give his son the best opportunities that he could in life and over the years he’d gone hungry many times so that Adam could eat. He’d gone without adequate clothing so that his boy would be warm. He’d worked until his fingers had bled and his back had ached to build a future for Adam and his brothers. He’d sacrificed his own comfort to raise enough money to send his eldest son to college … and all for what? To have that same son come home three years later and throw it all back at him? To have that same son tell him that he didn’t belong out west any more? 

Adam sighed. No matter which way he looked at it, he was going to hurt someone. He glanced at the book on his lap again and closed it. Maybe he’d had too much reading at college and he needed a complete break from it? Maybe that was why his mind couldn’t settle? He’d certainly spent so much time with his head immersed in books during the past three years, that maybe it would be good for him to completely forget about them for a while?

He smiled as he remembered back to his graduation and how all those years of study had been worth it for the diploma that was even now in the bag on the luggage rack above his head. He’d worked so hard for it and even now could hardly believe that his study was finally over. He longed to see the pride in his Pa’s eyes when he showed it to him when he got home.

Adam knocked on the dark wooden door and shifted nervously from one foot to the other as he slicked down his hair with his free hand, the other one holding tightly onto his hat. He swallowed as he waited for the door to open, wondering why on earth Professor Mullins had sent for him. Surely the last essay that he’d done hadn’t been that bad, that the man wanted to let him know in private? The professor had always intimidated him a little and he couldn’t help but feel apprehensive at the thought of entering his study.

In the two years that he’d been at the college so far, Professor Mullins’ office was one that he’d never entered before. In fact, he didn’t know anyone who had. The head of the Literature Department had a reputation for keeping to himself and was certainly not known for his sociable qualities. He took his job extremely seriously and woe betide any of his students who didn’t give his classes their full attention. There was none of the frivolity in his literature classes that the students sometimes indulged themselves in with other professors. Professor Mullins expected their full attention and he got it.

Not that Adam minded it much. He had found the man’s classes to be stimulating and extremely interesting. So much so that he’d taken more than the basic ones that he’d needed for his degree. He had specialised in mathematics and the sciences for his Engineering degree of course, but had such a love for literature that he couldn’t resist taking advantage of the classes while he was here. It had made for a very full load, but he hadn’t minded in the slightest.

He tried to smile as the heavy door opened and Professor Mullins stood looking at him over the top of his spectacles. “Yes? Oh … Mr Cartwright. Come in.” Adam walked into the room, nervously looking around at the countless shelves of books around the walls. Apart from the college library, he’d never seen so many books in one place before. “Sit down Mr Cartwright,” said the professor, sitting on the other side of the desk, as Adam sat down nervously on the edge of a chair. He put his hat on his lap and then stopped himself as he discovered that he was twisting it between his fingers.

“So,” said the professor. “I suppose you’re wondering why I sent for you?”

Adam cleared his throat. “Yes sir,” he said.

Professor Mullins picked up a sheaf of papers from the desk and held them in his hands for a moment before speaking. “It’s about your last paper,” he said. Here it comes, Adam thought to himself and swallowed again nervously. “Interesting,” mused the professor, leaning back in his chair and staring at Adam thoughtfully over the top of his glasses. “Tell me young man, what are you doing in my classes if you’re taking an Engineering Degree?” asked the professor. “You don’t have to do them.”

“No sir,” replied Adam. “But I enjoy them.”

“I see.” The professor continued to stare at him and Adam began to feel even more uncomfortable. “Well young man, this last essay you did was very interesting,” the professor continued finally. “I wanted to tell you that in person.”

“Yes sir?” Adam wondered what was coming next.

“You wouldn’t consider swapping your degree by any chance?” asked the professor. “You could be an outstanding literature student, you know.”

Adam’s eyes widened. “I could?” he said.

“Yes. You’ve got a fine mind for the classics, young man,” said the professor. “Have you considered giving literature your full attention?”

“No. I mean … I want to be an engineer,” said Adam, feeling somewhat dazed at the man’s comments.

“I see. Well, from what I understand from your other professors you’re doing exceptionally well in that department as well,” said professor. “I understand, of course. Well … their gain is my loss. If ever you change your mind, feel free to come and talk to me about it.”

Adam stood up. “Yes sir,” he said. “Thank you sir.”  He began to walk towards the door.

“Mr Cartwright?”

Adam stopped and turned. “Yes sir?”

“I believe that you’ll do well, whatever field you choose. We don’t get many students like you. Make the most of these opportunities for study while you can, boy.”

“I will sir. Thank you.” Adam left the room, with a broad grin on his face. 

Adam fingered the medal that he always kept in his pocket since he had received it at the graduation ceremony. He remembered the pride that he’d felt the day it had been announced that he’d won it and the look in his grandfather’s eyes when he’d walked up to receive it at his graduation. He knew that his father would be just as proud of him when he showed it to him and his brothers. Three years of hard work had all been worth it, just to think of making his father so proud and he could hardly wait to see the surprise on the man’s face when he produced the medal. 

Adam stretched his legs and wished for the tenth time that hour that they’d get to St Louis. He was well and truly sick of these trains and he itched to be able to stretch his feet properly again and to feel the fresh air on his face. How could he ever have thought that train travel was exciting?

++++++++++

Missouri

Adam leant on the railing of the steamboat and watched as St Louis faded away into the distance. He felt the fresh breeze on his face and thought about how nice it was to be able to travel in the fresh air, instead of cooped up in a small train carriage all the time. He knew that he should make the most of it while it lasted, as the trip ahead of him after this via wagon from Independence and finally stagecoach was bound to be a lot worse than the train. 

He remembered back to three years ago when he’d travelled in the opposite direction coming towards college. Maybe it had been because it was all so new to him and maybe it had been because he was a bit younger, but he really couldn’t remember it taking so long. Perhaps it seemed so slow this time because he was so anxious to get home and see his family? Three years had seemed like an eternity when he thought back to all the things that had happened to him in that time and considered how much he’d grown in knowledge and common sense since then.

It was funny, but he’d spent so much time thinking about how his family would have changed since he’d been away, that he’d forgotten to consider himself through their eyes. He hoped that what his father and brothers saw would please them. He glanced down at his travelling suit, which was a very different style to that in which he’d left home. Since being away he’d learnt so much more than just his studies. The life he’d led had exposed him to such a variety of social experiences and he felt so much more comfortable now in such situations than he had back then.

He remembered how naïve he’d been about so many things when he’d first come east. He had been such a nervous and apprehensive young man, that it had taken him quite a while to make friends and feel at ease in their company, but once he had, then he’d made some close friends that he hoped he would have for life.

Adam sighed as he considered all the friends that he was leaving behind him, which was another reason to seriously consider returning after seeing his family.

“Excuse me, young man.”  Adam straightened up and turned at the sound of the voice beside him to see a woman in her late forties with a young girl standing beside her, smiling at him demurely. He tipped his hat quickly. “I was wondering if you could direct us to the dining area?” the woman asked.

“Straight down there, ma’am,” Adam replied, pointing to the stern of the boat. “Down the stairs, at the back, for two floors. You’ll see it straight in front of you.”

“You seem to know your way around,” replied the woman. “Is this a regular trip for you?”

Adam shuddered at the thought of making this long trip often … although now that he considered it if he decided to come back east after seeing his family then that was precisely what he’d have to do. “No ma’am,” he said politely. “I’m a stranger to these parts. I’m travelling to Nevada.”

“Nevada?” the woman raised her eyebrows. “What a long way! Goodness!”  She smiled at him in a disappointed fashion. “Well … thank you. Come along Mary.”  The young girl gave him a disappointed look and followed her mother towards the back of the boat.

Adam smiled ruefully as he turned to stare at the churning water again. He’s seen that look so many times before whenever he’d mentioned where he came from. It seemed as if most people considered the west completely foreign and in a way, he couldn’t really blame them. So many times he’d begun to get close to girls back east, only to have their parents put a dampener on the romance. He knew why and couldn’t really blame them, for any parent would baulk at the thought of their daughter getting close to a man who lived so far away and might be the cause of them accompanying him, if he chose to eventually leave and return there. It had been that way with Rachel at first, although he knew without doubt that, if he did return, then things between them would be very serious. She’d virtually hinted at it many times …..

“But I don’t understand!” Rachel looked up at him with her beautiful blue eyes that threatened to brim with tears at any moment. “It just doesn’t make sense Adam.”

Adam drew her close to him and put his arms around her. “Not to you maybe … but to me it makes an awful lot of sense.”

“But why?”  She gave him a pleading look. “I thought you loved me? I love you!”

“I know … and I do,” he assured her. “But this is something I just have to do.”  He put his chin on the top of her blonde head and stared at the wall behind her. “I have to go home before I make any decisions about my future. I just … I just have to see my family and then I can decide what I want to do.”

“But …” she drew back from him and stared up at him again. “But what about us?”

He smiled at her. “This doesn’t have to change anything,” he said.

Rachel shook her head. “You know that it does,” she said sadly. “You’ll be gone for months. I’ll miss you.”

“I know.”

“And …” she hesitated. “You are coming back, aren’t you? Please tell me that you’re coming back, my darling.”

He hesitated. “I hope to,” he said finally.

“But you’re not sure?”

“No.”

Rachel’s eyes finally let go of the tears they’d been holding and she lowered her head. “Then you don’t care,” she said in a low voice.

Adam drew her to him again and hugged her tightly. “Of course I care,” he said emphatically. “Only … I care about my family too.”

“I see.”

“Maybe …”

He felt her head shake on his chest. “Don’t even say it,” she said. “You know that I can’t leave my life here.”

“Yet you’re asking me to leave my life back there?”

“No,” she said, her voice muffled against his chest. “I’m not asking you to. It’s your decision to make, my love. Besides … You’ve always led me to believe that it’s what you wanted … to live here and be with me.”

“It is.”

“Then?”  She looked up at him hopefully.

“But I still have to go, for now.” He stared down at her, willing her to understand. His love for her nearly overwhelmed him. He’d never felt this way about a girl before and the very thought of her took his breath away. At that moment he would have given anything to have her in his arms forever … to make her his wife. He smiled at her gently. “This isn’t the end for us,” he said softly.

Adam stared at the churning water thoughtfully, knowing that it could well be the end for them. He’d known as much that night when they’d said goodbye with fear in their hearts for the future. He knew now that he might never see her again and drew his hand across his face in despair. How could he have left her? How could he have turned his back on her after the way he felt for her? He didn’t know how he was going to live without her, for even these few months that he’d be away seemed to stretch before him endlessly as he considered the time without her. Yet …

And there was the rub to all of this. Why did life have to be so complicated? Why did he feel like he was being torn apart in this way? Why did …  Adam sighed and turned away from the water, walking slowly towards the back of the boat and the dining room.

++++++++++

Kansas

“I’ll get it!” shouted Adam, jumping off the wagon and running back to where the cow was standing. He grabbed hold of the rope around the animal’s neck and began to pull on it. “Stupid dumb thing!” he muttered under his breath as he tied the rope yet again to the back of the wagon. “Can’t trust you for one minute, can I?”

He shook his head as he climbed on board the wagon again. He really thought that stupid cow was more trouble than it was worth, the way it kept getting loose like that, but the Mrs Addison seemed to think that it was needed for the children and who was he to argue? She was probably right, although he couldn’t remember his Pa insisting that he bring a milk cow for him and Hoss when they were small and coming across these plains.

Not that the cow kept them waiting at all, for their progress was so slow in these wagons that nothing could possibly have held them back. At times the slowness of their progress frustrated him no end, but he only had to remember how lucky he was to have been able to join up with this group of wagons to feel better again. Pa had written to some friends in Salt Lake City and asked them to let him know of any travellers who were heading out west at the time that he’d be coming through and Adam had sure been lucky that he’d only had to wait two weeks to join with this group. Pa sure hadn’t been keen on him coming by himself across these plains and he was right. Now that Adam was here, he knew that he’d never have been able to make it with all his luggage by himself … even if he had rented a wagon. There was a great deal to be said about safety in numbers out here and he was mighty glad to have these people to travel with.

It meant that he had to work along the way of course, for everyone had to pitch in and help, but he had actually relished getting back into some work clothes and being active for the first time in weeks. It made him feel as if he were finally getting close to home again, even though he knew that he still had such a long way to go. The trip had been slow before, but now it was excruciatingly so. Still, he tried not to think about it and counted each slow step as another step in the direction of his family. 

His family! It was funny how that sounded so strange now that he was finally closer to them than he was to back east. His mind fixed on his father and brothers for a moment and he could nearly hear his Pa speak to him as he had that day a long three years ago when he’d left ….

“Are you sure you’ve got everything?” asked Ben. “The papers I gave you? The money?”

Adam patted the pocket of his jacket. “I’m sure Pa,” he said for the tenth time. “I’ve got them all safe. Don’t worry.”

“Well I can’t help but worry,” replied his father. “This is an awfully long trip you’re making son. I don’t think you truly realise the enormity of it.”  He looked at his eldest son with tears in his eyes. “I know you’ll be fine. Just look after yourself.”

“I will,” said Adam, tears standing in his own eyes. He looked over his shoulder. “I’d better get on board now Pa.” He held out his hand to his father, but Ben ignored it and drew his son into his arms and hugged him. 

“I love you Adam,” he said in a low voice. “Come back to me safely, son.”

“I will Pa. I love you too.”  Adam turned from his father and got on board the stagecoach, suddenly glad that Hoss and Little Joe weren’t there. Both boys had wanted to come, but their father had insisted that they say their goodbyes at the house, and now Adam could see why. It had hard enough back there to say goodbye to them and if they were here, it would be well nigh impossible. He could still hear Joe’s frantic crying as he ran into the barn and away from the big brother, that he considered he was losing for good. Try as they would, none of them seemed to be able to get through to the boy that it was only for a few years, but then to a six year old, Adam supposed that a few years was just about the same as for good.

He could also still see Hoss’ pale, yet determined face, as he stood and waved to his brother, trying to be so brave … yet tears slipping down his cheeks as the wagon took off. Adam knew that the minute they were gone, Hoss would have gone after Little Joe and the two of them would have had a good cry in the barn together. He suspected that his father would be doing the same on the way back from town, which was another reason why he hadn’t wanted to bring the boys in with him. He needed to do that in private, so as not to upset his two younger sons any more than was necessary.

Adam himself certainly felt like crying and he swallowed the lump in his throat as he waved to his father, when the stagecoach set off with a lurch. He wondered for a moment what he was doing going away like this and it took all his resolve not to open the door and jump out, as they rounded the curve and the sight of his father disappeared. If it hadn’t been for the other passengers in the stage, he would no doubt have burst into tears at the lonely feeling that threatened to engulf him right at that moment. Instead, he shut his eyes and bent his head, as he listened to the rumbling of the stagecoach’s wheel that were taking him east to his future.

And now I’m going in the opposite direction, thought Adam wryly. He remembered how quickly he’d become used to the travelling last time and how it had all seemed so exciting, just like one big adventure. This time it just seemed monotonous and not the least bit exciting. He hoped that if he did decide to come back east again, that he’d be able to afford the money for a sea passage next time, for he didn’t know if he could stand this again. There it was again … the choice that he had to make. Here he was out on the plains of Kansas and he still hadn’t come to any firm decision about it.

++++++++++

Utah

Salt Lake City wasn’t exactly like the cities back east, but at least Adam considered himself in civilization again after all those weeks out on the plains. He’d actually seen everything there was to see in this town days ago and the inactivity had begun to fret at him until he didn’t know if he could stand it any longer. They might have moving very slowly before on the wagon train, but at least they’d been moving!  Here he felt like he was just wasting time.

Adam knew that he’d have no choice once he got this far west, for stagecoaches didn’t exactly come along every day, but he’d hoped that he might have only have to stay here a few days at the most before being able to catch one west. As it was, it had already been five days since the Addisons and the others had left to the south and here he was …. still sitting in this town waiting for a stage to take him across the rest of Utah and into Nevada. 

It was hard to take because he felt so close to home, but patience was something he needed right about now and patience was the last attribute that he felt he had. He stood up to look out of his hotel window again at the main street, feeling no desire to go down and wander up and down it again, as he had already done twice this morning. He glanced over at the book on his bed and with a sigh sat down and opened it, thankful at least that he still had something to read to pass the time. 

He turned to book over his hand and studied the cover …. It was one of the novels that he’d bought way back in Detroit. Well, at least he didn’t have any more study to do, he thought wryly, although at this point he probably would have welcomed an assignment to complete, even though he’d finished with all that now. At least it would have been something to do.

It was strange how he couldn’t wait to finish his studies … and now that he had he felt like he’d actually lost something … a part of his life that he’d never get back again. Was he doing the right thing by coming all the way out here? Was he going to waste valuable time that he could have been working back in Mr Wilkin’s office and forging a new career for himself? What had all that study been for after all? To sit here in the middle of nowhere? Adam shook his head. He just didn’t know what to think any more ….

“Adam! Come in son.” Abel Stoddard stood up and smiled at his grandson as he entered the room. “Come and meet Alf Wilkins.”  He turned to the thin man who was seated next to the fireplace. “Alf …. This is the young man I was telling you about … my grandson Adam.”

“Pleased to meet you, young man,” said Alf, getting up and shaking Adam’s hand. “Your grandfather has told me quite a bit about you and your success at college.”

Adam smiled politely. “Pleased to meet you sir,” he said.

“Sit down, sit down,” said Abel, indicating the seats near the fireplace. “I’ve been telling Alf about all your achievements, Adam.”

“It certainly sounds as if you’ve done very well,” said Alf. “Coming second in your class and winning that medal. Your grandfather is very proud of you, young man.”

“I certainly am,” said Abel eagerly. “I’ll be even prouder at his graduation next week.”

“Thank you,” said Adam, not quite knowing what else to say. Normally a quiet and unassuming type, he was finding all this praise a bit hard to take. “I did my best,” he added.

“Well, your best has certainly been impressive,” said Alf, leaning forward in his chair. “Now I have a proposition for you, young man,” he said. “I happen to run an engineering firm in New York and from what I’ve heard of you and your results, I think you’re just the sort of young man we’re looking for. How about considering a job with us?” Adam’s jaw dropped and he was silent for a moment. “We’d pay you well,” added Alf. “Nothing fancy to start with of course, but enough for you to live adequately. The real incentive would be for the future, if you understand me. It’s a big company and with your brains and potential, there’s no telling where you could climb to. You could end up being a very prosperous addition to our firm.”  He smiled at Adam. “Well?” he asked.

Adam swallowed. The offer was truly amazing and some thing that he could only have dreamt about previously. Positions in his chosen field were hard to come by at the best of times and up until that point, he hadn’t even thought of the likelihood of even securing one. He knew full well that there were many other graduands who had connections that he just didn’t have and that they would be the first ones snapped up by these sorts of companies, regardless of their results. His excellent marks would only serve to take him so far without suitable connections and he had never even considered applying for a position up until now. 

Furthermore, there were his plans to go home …

He swallowed again. “Thank you sir,” he said. “I’m truly flattered.”  He glanced at his grandfather, knowing that the man had had a hand in this. “I don’t quite know what to say,” he added.

“Then just say yes,” said Alf. “There’s no need for you not to, is there?”

“Well,” Adam licked his lips.

“I do believe you’ve taken the boy by surprise,” interrupted Abel. “He needs some time to get used to the idea, Alf.”

“Of course,” said Alf, standing up. “Well, you consider it Adam,” he said. “Your grandfather knows where to get in touch with me after you’ve thought it through.” He held out his hand again. “I certainly hope that answer is yes. Goodbye Adam.”

“Goodbye sir,” said Adam. “And thank you for the offer. “I’ll certainly let you know quickly.”  He stood in a daze as his grandfather saw his friend out. 

“Well,” said Abel, coming back into the room a few moments later and rubbing his hands with delight. “What do you think of that?”

Adam sat down heavily on his chair. “I … I don’t know,” he said. “It’s a bit of a shock really.”  He looked up at his grandfather. “Just how much did you have to do with that?”

Abel sat down opposite him. “Well I’ll admit that I’d thought of it when I invited Alf here,” he said. “But it was his idea. I just planted the seeds so to speak.” He gave Adam an intense look. “Well?” he asked.

Adam shook his head. “It’s a wonderful offer,” he said, still feeling dazed. “I could never have hoped to get such …” He shook his head again. “I don’t know,” he finished lamely.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said Abel. “I thought you’d jump at it. Isn’t this what you’ve been working towards all this time? What all your hard work has been for?”

“Yes,”

“Well then?”

Adam gave his grandfather an uncertain look. “What about …”

“What about your family?”  finished the man for him. “You were intending to go home, of course.”

Adam nodded. “Yes,” he said. 

“Adam, your father will understand,” said his grandfather, putting his hand on the young man’s shoulder. “He, more than anyone, knows what it’s like to have a dream about something. I remember him as a youngster around your age and he certainly had his sights set on what he wanted out of life. He wouldn’t begrudge you making your own way now.  In fact, I suspect that he might have been expecting you to, from the time you left for college three years ago. I’m sure it has crossed his mind many times that you might end up settling back here.”

“I know you’re right,” said Adam uncertainly. “But …”

“But what?” 

Adam stood up and began to pace up and down in front of the fireplace, running his hands through his hair. “I don’t know,” he said. “I just don’t know what to do.”

Abel sighed. “Well, you think about it,” he said. “An important decision like this shouldn’t be made in haste. You need time to consider all the options.” He stood up and patted Adam on the shoulder again. “You take your time and think about it, son,” he said.

Adam sighed as he remembered back. He knew that his grandfather had been hoping that he’d take the position. It would have meant that he’d have been able to visit with him occasionally and he would have been so proud to be able to say that his grandson was working in an engineering firm. But …  he looked at the bare wall in front of him … but, as he’d explained to him and to Mr Wilkins … how could he possibly have made the decision without talking to his father about it? 

His grandfather had suggested writing his father a letter about it all, but Adam knew that it wouldn’t have been enough. He had to have the opportunity to look deep into his father’s brown eyes as he told him about the offer. Only then would he know the depth of the man’s feelings about losing his son. For he would be losing him, they would both know that. Adam knew that in spite of what they’d both say about it …. in spite of the promises that they both would make to visit every few years …. that he would gradually be growing apart from his family, as he forged a new life for himself on the other side of the country.

Things would never be the same again, no matter which decision he made. If he took up the position, then he’d lose his family. If he decided to stay on The Ponderosa, then he’d be giving up all that he’d dreamed about for years. The chance for a position such as this wouldn’t come along again in a hurry …. in fact it might never come along again. How could he possibly say no to it?

Adam shut his eyes, as he tried to reason it out yet again. He knew that his grandfather had been disappointed that he hadn’t taken up the offer straight away, but he just couldn’t. He had gone to see Mr Wilkins that day to tell him and the man’s reaction had taken him totally by surprise. Just as he’d resigned himself to the fact that he was going to miss out on the offer because of his decision to go home, he had given him six months to make up his mind.

Six months …

In six months he would be well and truly settled at home, with ample time to decide if it was the life for him after all. He’d have plenty of time to gauge his father’s reaction to it all and to make him understand what he had to do with his life. In six months he’d have time to make Hoss and Little Joe understand that this was what he had to do with his life.

Six months ….

Six months left with his family. Six months to say his goodbyes. Six months to get his head around what he was going to do with his life.

He opened his eyes again and stared once more at the wall. This country was so big. His decision was so big. How on earth could he possibly make it without some help? He shut his eyes again and pondered on the problem.

++++++++++

Nevada

Adam stretched and tried to ease the kink in his back without disturbing anyone around him. It didn’t prove to be an easy task however, as the five passengers were so closely packed together in the small stagecoach, that any movement was felt by them all. He felt as if he’d been sitting in the one position forever and wondered if he’d ever get proper feeling back in his numb backside again.

“Sorry,” he said to the woman opposite him as she moved her feet out of the way. She shot him an understanding look and said nothing, so he turned to look out of the window again at the same mountains, which he’d been staring at for the past two hours. When would they ever end? They seemed to getting no closer to them, although he knew that they had to be. 

He knew that he should have been grateful that he’d been able to catch stagecoaches at all from Salt Lake City where he’d left the wagon train, but at the moment he felt anything but lucky. The jolting of the small stagecoach was enough to make him nearly scream out with frustration, but he grimly held on and kept his feelings to himself. After all, they were all in the same situation and it was no use complaining about it.

He sighed as he shut his eyes and tried to work out how long he’d been travelling for, but after a while he gave up, as it was too depressing to even think about it. He knew how big this country was, but it was one thing to know it and another thing to actually experience crossing it. For a moment, he considered just how difficult it must have been for his father, who had travelled this route all those years ago with first one, and then two, young boys to care for. Adam shuddered to think about it. Pa had not only had himself and Hoss to care for, but had had to travel without many of the conveniences that Adam was now making the most of.

He gave a short laugh as he looked around at the so-called modern convenience of the stagecoach. At this moment it didn’t look too convenient to him, but he knew that it could have been a lot worse. He was lucky to have at least this much and travelling with the relative security of being with other passengers certainly made it easier than doing it by himself. He had great admiration for his father who had managed all those years ago to get them to Nevada in safety.

He sat up as he suddenly saw the lofty heights of the Sierras appear in front of him …. a sight that he’d pined after for so long now. His smile became a grin as he thought about the pine trees that he’d soon be seeing again. Lake Tahoe, Virginia City, Carson City, the high country … his mind was suddenly full of it all and he breathed deeply in anticipation as he felt his excitement rising with each minute that passed. To have come so far and to be so close now …. it was more than he could comprehend, to think that soon he’d be seeing his family again. Soon he’d be seeing the country that he loved again.

Adam stopped his mind wandering and brought himself back to the present with a start. Hadn’t he been saying the same things to himself only weeks ago about the east? And yet here he was now looking west with the same anticipation. How could that be? How would he possibly be able to be make this decision? He sighed again as closed his eyes as he tried to sleep, figuring that the more he slept now, the quicker it would seem like he’d get there.

++++++++++

Virginia City

Adam reached up and took down his bag, trying to keep his heart from racing as he watched Virginia City come into view around the bend. “Well here we are,” said the stout woman sitting opposite him. “I thought we’d never make it. It’s an awful long way from Salt Lake City, isn’t it?” she added, giving Adam a smile.

“It’s an awful long way from Boston ma’am,” he said absently as he craned his neck to look out of the window in the hopes of seeing his family.

“Boston!” she exclaimed. “My goodness! You don’t mean to tell me that you’ve come all the way from Boston, do you?”

But the woman was never to know the answer to her question, for at that moment Adam spied a silver-haired tall man standing on the side of the street under a porch overhang and flung open the door. He bounded down the two steps as the stagecoach was pulling to a halt and ran towards his father. “Pa!” he shouted, throwing his bag down and reaching out for the man.

Ben Cartwright stepped forward and embraced his son, closing his eyes momentarily as he felt the young man’s body lean in towards his. “Adam,” he said softly, before drawing the young man away from him and looking at him intently. “You’ve grown,” he said proudly. “Filled out.”

“Yes,” replied Adam. “I suppose I have.”

Ben hugged his son to him again. “Welcome home son,” he said softly.

“Adam!” shouted a voice beside them and Adam suddenly found himself being engulfed in Hoss’ enormous arms. He felt as if his breath was going to be hugged right out of him and he struggled to get free of his brother’s embrace.

“Hold on there!” he laughed as he drew back. “My goodness brother … is that you?”

“Sure is,” laughed Hoss, giving him a gap-toothed grin. 

“You’re taller than I am,” remarked Adam.

“And wider,” laughed Hoss proudly. “Sure is good ta have you home again, brother.”

“Sure feels good to be here,” Adam replied, looking around. “Where’s Little Joe?”

“Here,” said a voice behind him. “Hi, Adam.”

Adam turned around to see his youngest brother standing behind him, looking at him tentatively. “Little Joe!” he said. “Is that you? My goodness you’ve grown!” 

Joe’s face split into a wide grin, showing Adam that he’d said the right thing. He drew his brother towards him and gave him a quick hug, feeling the boy stiffen against him as he did so. Just as he’d predicted, there was going to be some work ahead of them both to get their relationship back on track again. He’d been gone far too long for a boy of Joe’s age not to make a difference. He let Joe go and stood back to look at him again. “You’re much taller now, Little Joe,” he said generously, thinking that it would delight the boy to hear it.

Joe drew himself up to his full height and tried not to smirk. “Its Joe now,” he informed his brother. “I’m too big for that Little Joe stuff.”

Adam nodded. “I see,” he said. “Well, I’ll have to try and remember that.” He grinned at his father, who winked at him over the top of the boy’s head.

“Come on,” said Ben, putting his arm around Adam’s shoulder. “We need to get you home.”

“Suits me fine Pa,” replied Adam. “It’s been a long trip.” He looked around. “I can’t actually believe that it’s over.”

“It’s over son,” said Ben. “Believe me, you’re home now.”

Adam gave his father a smile as Hoss picked up his bag and took it to the buckboard. “I’ve got my trunk up there as well,” he said, indicating the top of the stagecoach. He and Ben picked it up between them and carried it to the buckboard, as Little Joe bounced around them excitedly. 

“Did you bring us lots of stuff Adam?” he asked eagerly.

“Joseph!” said his father sternly. “What did I say to you before?”

Joe looked shame-faced. “Not to ask,” he said.

“Don’t you worry Joe,” said Adam with a laugh. “I’ve got lots of things to show you …. Lots for everyone.”  His younger brother grinned at him, as their father hitched up the horses and they started out of town. “Now I feel like I’m really home,” breathed Adam as he got his first look of the mountains to the west. “It’s been a long way … but I made it.”

++++++++++

“Hand Adam the potatoes please, Hoss,” said Ben, handing them to his middle son. 

Hoss handed his brother the plate. “Here ya go Adam,” he said with a grin and Adam smiled back at him. It seemed that Hoss would never stop grinning at him, for he’d had a permanent smile on his face since they’d left town. “It sure is great to have ya home again,” his brother said, a little shyly.

“It’s good be back again Hoss,” replied Adam as he dished out some potatoes onto his plate. It hit him suddenly that he really meant it. He’d been expecting to be a bit unsettled at first, but now it just seemed …. Well, it just seemed right. For some reason he felt as if he had never left … except when he looked at his brothers and realised how much they’d grown.

Adam handed the plate of potatoes to Joe, but the youngster shook his head. “No thanks,” he said. “I don’t want any.”  He stole a glance at his father who raised an eyebrow at him and then took the plate with a sigh. 

Adam chuckled. “It seems like not much has changed around here at all,” he said to his father, indicating Joe, who was slowly putting a tiny spoonful of potatoes onto his plate.

“Not much,” acknowledged Ben with a grin. He raised his glass of wine that he’d insisted on opening. “To Adam,” he said. “Welcome home son.”

Adam raised his own glass, as did Hoss. Joe picked up his glass of water and they all held them together in the centre of the table for a moment. “Thanks,” said Adam. I’m sure glad to be …” he hesitated as he sought the exact phrase that he was looking for. “… back where I belong,” he said sincerely, knowing in that instant as he looked around with love at his father and brothers that he truly was back where he belonged … in every sense of the word. 

Suddenly it hit him that there was no decision to make. He knew now where his heart was and where his future lay and his smile widened as he felt the burden of the decision that he’d been carrying around with him these past few months lift off his shoulders in a rush. The decision had been taken out of his hands … for there was no decision to make. There never had been. He’d been right when he knew that he needed to look into his father’s eyes to make it … but the truth was that he never even had to broach the subject with him. He just knew. Here was where he belonged …. with the father who loved him and the brothers that he adored. Here on The Ponderosa was where he would build his future.

“What’s that grin for?” asked his father, observing the look on his son’s face.

Adam shrugged. “Just happy,” he said, his grin getting wider.

Ben smiled back at his son. “Good,” he said simply.

Later that evening as they sat in front of the fireplace together … Hoss and Little Joe already upstairs in bed …. Adam gave a contented sigh as he stared into the fire.

“You must be tired son,” said Ben. “Why don’t you go on up to bed?”

Adam rubbed his eyes. “I am, actually,” he said. “I think I will go upstairs …. But I have some letters to write before I get some sleep.”

Ben frowned. “I’m sure they can wait until tomorrow,” he said. “You look deadbeat, son.”

Adam stared into the fire. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “They can’t wait. I have to write them tonight.”  He thought of Rachel, his grandfather and Mr Wilkins who needed to be told his decision as soon as possible. It was only fair that he write to them quickly, now that his mind was made up. “There’s no point putting them off,” he said quietly, unaware that he was even speaking out loud.

“I understand,” said Ben, giving his son a long lingering look.

Adam jerked. “You do?” he said.

“Yes,” replied his father. “I do.”  He reached out and patted his son’s hand. “I know how hard it must have been in some ways for you to come home Adam.”

Adam smiled. “You do understand,” he said. “Pa …. It’s not that I …”

“I know son,” interrupted his father. “You don’t need to explain it to me. You go and get those letters written and it will be a load off your mind.”

Adam stood up. “Thanks Pa,”

“For what?”

“Understanding,” he replied. “And … well, just for being … you know.”

“I know son,” replied Ben. “I know I’ve said it a few times today Adam … but welcome home son I’m so happy to have you here.”

“Thanks,” said Adam. “It’s been a long way home.”  He hesitated and then in a very uncharacteristic gesture he bent down and gave his father a quick hug. “Goodnight,” he said.

Ben watched his eldest son with a great deal of love and contentment as Adam walked up the stairs. 

As he walked down the hallway towards his room, Adam hesitated. He stood in the darkened doorway of Little Joe’s room for a moment, smiling as he saw his youngest brother’s form on the bed in the darkness. One of his legs was half off the bed and his arms were flung over his face … his bedclothes all in disarray. From down the hall he could hear Hoss’ inevitable soft snoring …. a sound that he hadn’t heard in a long time. He smiled and then headed for his own room.

Adam lit the lamp and looked around, giving a contented sigh as he felt all his old familiar things around him once more as they always had been in his younger years. Pa had made sure that everything had been kept for him, just the way it was when he’d left it. He took a book off the shelf and opened it at a random page, reading softly under his breath a few lines of a well-remembered poem. He shut the book and stood looking out of the window for moment before sitting down at his desk and picking up his pen and a piece of paper. Slowly and deliberately he began to write:

Dear Mr Wilkins,

It is with regret that I am writing to inform you of my decision not to take up your kind offer …

The End