Summary:  Ben feels the pressure of his many responsibilities and needs a break for a while.
Rating:  G   6,740 words

Alone in a Crowd

“Ben?” Ben Cartwright turned at the sound of the woman’s voice. He smiled into her blue eyes and she returned the look with a worried one of her own. “Are you alright out here?” she asked.

“I’m fine,” he replied as he turned back to stare out over the balcony again. “Just admiring San Francisco at night. It really is a beautiful city you know Doreen.”

“Yes,” she said, coming to stand next to him and looking at the lights below as well. “It is. Tom and I love it here.” She touched Ben on the arm gently. “We’re so glad that you’ve come to stay for a while Ben. It’s doing Tom the world of good to have you here visiting.”

Ben smiled at her again. “It’s doing me the world of good too,” he admitted. “Away from the worries of the ranch and all the business.” He took a deep breath of night air. “I needed the rest,” he said.

She nodded. “Yes you certainly looked as if you did when you arrived,” she said. “I hope you’re getting just what you need here with us.”

Ben nodded. “It’s been wonderful,” he said. “I can’t thank you and Tom enough for letting me stay like this.”

She gave him a mock indignant look. “And why wouldn’t we?” she asked, putting her hands on her hips. “Haven’t you helped us enough over the years?”

Ben shrugged. “I was just being a friend,” he said.

“And we’re just doing the same,” she said. “Come on inside Ben. It’ll do you good to talk to everyone.”

“I will in a few minutes,” he said, patting her on the arm. “I’d just like to stay out here for a little while longer.”

“Whatever you want Ben,” she said. “Well, I’d better get back to our guests before they wonder where I’ve got to.”

Doreen swept back into the crowded room as Ben watched her. He listened for a few minutes to the low murmur of the chatter from the many guests they’d invited for the evening and then turned back once more to lean on the railing of the balcony and stare out into the darkness beyond. He sighed as he thought about the last few days and the things that he’d done here in San Francisco.  This was probably the very first time that he’d visited this city without a work agenda to keep him busy. Even when he’d taken vacations here in the past, he had always combined the trips with business to justify the long trip.

That was what the problem had been, he reasoned. The ranch had consumed so much of his life for so long now that he felt quite lost without it. He kept feeling guilty that he wasn’t working at least in some capacity, but he supposed that was only natural for someone who’d lived for so many years with the ranch as the major focus of his life. He stopped his thought with a jerk. No … the ranch wasn’t the main focus of his life …. His boys were that …. And it was because of his boys that he’d ended up listening to everyone and coming to San Francisco in this way.

He thought back to how he’d been during the past few months and realised now that he must have been very difficult to live with. The problem was of course that at the time he just couldn’t see it. The constant heavy workload and the pressures of business had gradually been grinding him down to the extent where he’d felt that he was ready to snap. He should have seen the light long before now, but in his usually stubborn way he’d not listened to his own body or the opinions of those around him when they’d tried to tell him that he needed a break. Thank God that he finally had, for he hated to think what the outcome would have been if he hadn’t.

They had all tried to tell him. Paul Martin in particular had been most insistent that he needed a break, and had tried time and time again to tell him. Even the boys had tried and he’d certainly given them a hard time during these past months. He frowned as he thought about it ….

**********

Ben looked up. “Do you want something?” he snapped. 

Hoss shrugged. “Not really,” he said.

“Then go and do something,” said Ben irritably as he looked back at the papers sprawled in front of him on the large desk. “Can’t you see I’m up to my ears in paperwork here?”

“Sure thing Pa,” said Hoss, shrugging again. “Only …”

Ben sighed in frustration. “Only what?” he said, looking up again. “Spit it out Hoss. If you’ve got something to say, then say it for heavens sake!”

Hoss looked slightly hurt at his father’s remark. “I was only wondering how ya are Pa,” he ventured.

“How I am? I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” asked Ben impatiently.

Hoss shrugged for a third time, giving his father a puzzled look. “Well ya looked a mite peaky at breakfast. I thought maybe you was sick or something.”

“I’m fine,” said Ben. “Thank you for asking son,” he added. “Now please leave me alone to get on with this. You know I hate paperwork and I’d just like to get it done.”

“Can I help?” asked Hoss.

“No.”

Hoss made a face. “OK,” he said. “I guess I’ll go and get some chores done then.” Ben didn’t comment, but continued to write in the ledger. Hoss gave him a worried look and walked outside. “I’d get to work if I was you,” he warned Joe who was sitting on the edge of the porch with his hat over his face as he leaned back against one of the poles.

“I am working,” retorted Joe, taking his hat off his face and looking up at his brother. “I’m thinking about what to do.”

Hoss shook his head. “Well if I were you little brother, I’d do my thinking somewhere else. If Pa catches you sitting there he’ll have a piece of your hide.”

Joe made a face. “He still grouchy?” he asked.

Hoss nodded. “Yup. Worse than ever,” he replied. “I’m kinda worried bout him Joe. It ain’t like him ta be so bad tempered fer so long.”

“He’ll get over it,” said Joe, putting his hat over his face again. Hoss shrugged and walked away. 

Within two minutes, a booming voice behind him made Joe jump up with a start. “What do you think you’re doing there!” yelled Ben.

Joe picked up his hat from where it had dropped next to his feet and grinned at his father. “I’m just getting to work Pa,” he said. “You know that I’m always busy working.” 

Ben grunted. “I’m going down to the branding corral to check out where they’re up to,” he said. “I want to see you hard at work when I get back Joseph.”

“By the time you get back, then I will be,” quipped Joe, his grin getting wider and his eyes sparkling with mischief.

“You’ll get to work right this minute young man!” snapped his father. “Now get!”

“You want me to saddle Buck for you Pa?” asked Joe, unabashed.

“No I don’t,” replied Ben. “I’m quite capable of saddling my own horse thank you. Now get to work!”  He stomped off to the barn and Joe sighed as he headed off towards the woodpile with a resigned look.

Ben quickly saddled his horse and rode down the short trail towards the branding corral where Adam was hard at work directing the men. “Well at least on of my sons is working,” said Ben grumpily as he dismounted. “How’s it going Adam?”

“Fine,” said Adam. “I take it you mean Joe by that remark?”

Ben didn’t answer, but frowned as he looked across at the men working. “There’s an awful lot of men here,” he snapped.  “Why?”

“I brought the rest of the men down from the timber camp to finish off here,” Adam explained. “I thought we’d get finished here first and then take everyone up to start cutting the timber.”

“We have a deadline on that timber!” snapped Ben.

“I know that,” replied Adam calmly. “I negotiated it, remember?”

“Well then you should be very aware of how important it is to have men up there working at the moment,” said Ben, raising his voice.

“We have plenty of time,” reasoned Adam. “It makes sense to finish off here first and then …”

“I want those men back up there now!” shouted Ben. “See to it!”

“But …”

“Now Adam!”  

Adam drew a deep breath. “Alright,” he said. “You’re the boss.”

“I most certainly am!” snapped Ben. “And don’t forget it.” He stopped as he saw the expression on his son’s face. “I’m sorry Adam,” he said after a moment. “I didn’t mean to snap at you like that.”

Adam shrugged. “That’s OK,” he said. “I’ll get the men organised as you want Pa.” 

Ben watched as his son walked away and began to give orders to the men. He didn’t know why he’d suddenly lost his temper in the way he had, all he knew was that he’d been doing it a lot lately. As he mounted up again and rode back towards the house, he tried to reason it all out. I’m just tired, he thought. We’ve all been so busy lately … that’s all that it is. I must try and take it easy for a while. 

**********

“Did you move those men back up to the timber camp?” asked Ben at supper that night.

“Yes,” replied Adam shortly. “I told you that I was going to.”

“I was just checking,” said Ben.

Adam rolled his eyes at his two brothers as their father bent his head and commenced eating again.

“Hey Pa?” said Joe suddenly.

“Yes?”

“I was thinking that I might go into town tonight and …”

“Well you were thinking wrong,” snapped Ben.

“But Pa …”

“That’s enough! You’ll stay at home.” Joe slumped down in his seat and pouted.

“Pa?” said Hoss. “Are you OK?”

Ben looked up. “Why do you keep asking me if I’m alright?” he said grumpily. “I’ve told you that I am Hoss.”

“You’re awful grouchy Pa,” ventured Joe tentatively.

“Well maybe I have good reason to be,” said his father testily. “What with sons who need constant reminding to do their work.” Joe said nothing, but lowered his head and stared at his plate of food.

There was quiet for a few minutes as they all ate. Finally Ben broke the silence. “I’m sorry boys,” he said. “I know that I’ve been testy lately. I’m just tired.”

“Why don’t you have an early night Pa?” asked Adam. “You’ll feel better in the morning.”

Ben nodded and got up from the table wearily. “I think I will,” he said. “Good night boys.”

“Night Pa,” they chorused. 

Ben climbed the stairs slowly, suddenly feeling very tired. He went straight to his bedroom and sat at the window, gazing down at the darkness beyond that was Lake Tahoe. He wondered what was wrong with him. It wasn’t like him to be so cranky with the boys and everything else and he hoped that a good night’s sleep would help. 

He just didn’t seem to enjoy life anymore and he didn’t know why. Perhaps it was that he had too many pressures with running the ranch or perhaps it was just that he was getting old? Whatever it was, Ben sincerely hoped that the lethargy he’d been feeling would soon pass.

**********

Ben shifted restlessly on the buckboard seat and rubbed his temples as he tried not to let his frustration show. Normally Joe’s constant chatter amused him, but today all he had wanted to do for the past hour was to ask the youngster to be quiet. Finally he could stand it no longer. “Joe, do you think you could just be quiet long enough to draw breath?” he asked sarcastically and then was immediately sorry as he noticed the hurt look on his son’s face.

“Sorry Pa,” Joe said quietly. “I didn’t mean to rattle on like that for so long.”

“No, I’m sorry son,” replied Ben. “I didn’t mean anything like that.” 

Joe remained silent as they approached Virginia City, making Ben feel even worse than before. “How about you go on up to the mercantile and order those supplies?” he suggested. “I’ll go to the Livery Stable and see about those horseshoes and then we can meet at the saloon. I’ll buy you a drink.”  He was rewarded instantly by one of Joe’s wide smiles that lit up his face and caused his eyes to sparkle. 

“Sure thing Pa,” replied the young man. “I’ll see ya there soon.”  He waited while Ben climbed down from the buckboard and then hitched up the team and drove on up the street.

Ben watched him go before turning and walking across the street towards the Livery Stable. He halted as he heard his name called. “Ben! Oh Ben! Wait!”

Ben turned to see George Bristol, the Bank manager, hurrying to catch up with him. “George,” he said, holding out his hand. “Nice to see you.”

“I was beginning to worry,” said George as he shook Ben’s hand.

“Worry? Why?”

George gave him a strange look. “You didn’t turn up for our 11 o’clock appointment,” he said. 

Ben slapped his hand on his head. “Oh George, I completely forgot,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”

“That’s alright,” said George. “Only it’s not like you to miss an appointment and I was worried that something serious might have happened.”

Ben shook his head. “No,” he said. “I must have just forgotten. I’ll call in and see you in about ten minutes if that’s alright?”

“Make it fifteen,” said George. “See you then Ben.”

Ben closed his eyes momentarily and shook his head as George walked away, wondering how on earth he could have forgotten about the meeting. It seemed that he was forgetting quite a few things lately and he felt as if he was losing control over his own life. The bank appointment was just one more example of it.

“Ben?” He opened his eyes to see doctor Paul Martin standing in front of him and looking at him strangely. “Are you alright?”

Ben forced a smile onto his face. He felt like shouting out his frustration, but instead he simply shook the other man’s hand. “I’m fine,” he said. “How are you?”

Paul ignored the question. “You don’t look fine,” he said. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” Ben assured his friend. “I just remembered something I’d forgotten to do, that’s all.”

“I see,” said Paul, looking at the other man intently. “I just saw that youngster of yours down at the mercantile and he told me you were in town. I’m glad, because I was going to come out and see you tomorrow.”

Ben sighed, thinking that here was another person who wanted something from him. It seemed that everywhere he turned lately someone was wanting him to do something. “What’s the matter?” he asked.

“Well that’s what I was going to ask you,” replied Paul. “What is the matter Ben?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” said Ben.

“You know exactly what I mean,” replied Paul knowingly. “You haven’t been yourself lately and I want to know why. Are you feeling alright? I’m worried about you Ben.”

“I’m fine,” Ben assured him. “I’ve just been working a bit too hard lately, that’s all.”

“Well you look terrible,” said Paul. “I’d like you to come over to my office for a check-up before you leave town.”

“I said I’m fine,” said Ben, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice. “Why does everyone think I’m not?”

Paul lifted an eyebrow at his words and studied him for a moment. “Who else thinks you’re not?” he asked finally.

Ben waved his hand around airily. “Oh … no one,” he said. “I must go Paul. I’ve got quite a few things to get done before I meet Joe.”

Paul held onto the arm of his sleeve. “I mean it Ben,” he said. “Now either you come and see me for a check-up before you leave town today, or I’ll be out at the ranch tomorrow to do it.”

“Oh for heaven’s sake!” said Ben, this time showing his frustration. “Can’t a man just work a bit harder than usual without everyone getting on his back about it?”

Paul crossed his arms over his chest. “I thought you said that no one else was concerned?” he said.

Ben hesitated. “Alright,” he said. “You win. I’ll come over and see you in about an hour. Alright?”

Paul nodded. “See that you do,” he said and shook his head as he watched Ben walk over towards the Livery Stable.

By the time Ben made it to the saloon to meet Joe, he was in a bad mood. “Hi Pa,” said Joe as his father entered. “You’re late. It’s usually me who is, ain’t it?” Ben grunted and said nothing. “I thought you was weaselling out of buying me that drink like you promised,” continued Joe, grinning at his father.

“Your father doesn’t weasel … I mean … don’t I always keep my word?” snapped Ben, throwing some coins on the table. “Here …. You have your drink. I haven’t got time to stay now, so pick me up at Paul Martin’s office in half an hour.”  He pointed a finger at the surprised Joe. “And don’t be late young man. You’re to have one drink and no more. Understand?”

“Yeah,” said Joe, picking up the money. “But can’t you stay and have one with me Pa?”

“I just said that I couldn’t,” snapped Ben. 

“Why are ya going to see the Doc?” asked Joe. “Are you feeling alright Pa?”

“I’m fine!” snapped Ben. “Meet me in half an hour Joseph. No longer!”  He strode from the saloon, leaving a very puzzled Joe behind him.

“What’s wrong with your Pa?” asked Sam, the bartender. “You in trouble again Joe?”

“Nah,” said Joe. “He’s just crabby lately is all. I’ll have a beer thanks Sam.”

Ben sat in Paul Martin’s waiting room, getting angrier by the minute. He knew that he really didn’t have time for this nonsense and wanted to just go home and get back to the multitude of things that he had to get done. By the time Paul escorted Mrs Billings out of the inner office and was ready for him, he felt his blood boiling. “This’ll have to be quick Paul,” he said. “I haven’t got much time.”

“You’ve got just as much time as I’m going to need to examine you,” said Paul calmly as he ushered him into the inner office. “Now sit on the examining table while I take your blood pressure.”

“It’ll be high,” Ben warned him. “I can feel it.”

Paul was silent for a few moments. “It certainly is high,” he said. “Open your shirt while I listen to your heart.”  Ben did as he was told and tried to remain composed while Paul listened through his stethoscope. “Now lie down,” instructed Paul.

“I don’t have time for all …”

“I said to lie down,” said the doctor firmly. “Honestly Ben, now I know where Joe gets it from.”

Ben did as he was told again and allowed the doctor to examine him. After twenty minutes, Paul finally told him to get off the examining table. “See?” said Ben, as he did up his shirt. “I told you I was fine.”

“Your blood pressure is elevated and you terrible. I don’t call that fine,” replied Paul. 

“But you couldn’t find anything really wrong, could you?” asked Ben.

“Well …. No,” admitted the doctor.

“Then I’m fine. Look Paul, I appreciate your concern, but I’m just a bit tired that’s all. It’s nothing that a few good nights’ sleep won’t fix.”

“Ben, why don’t you try and get away for a while? You’ve been working far too hard and it’d do you good.”

“I don’t need to get away,” declared Ben. “Besides, I can’t afford the time.”

“Why not? You know as well as I do that those boys of yours are quite capable of looking after things around here for a while.”

“I know that,” said Ben. “But there are certain things that I have to do. It’s not fair to leave the boys in charge.”

“Why not? What things do you have to do?”

“Just things,” said Ben. “A ranch the size of The Ponderosa just doesn’t run itself you know Paul. I’ve worked long and hard to get things on that ranch to the stage where I …”

“To the stage where it’s killing you Ben,” interrupted Paul. “Face it my friend. You’re not doing yourself any favours by working so hard.”  He put his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Everyone needs some time off occasionally Ben, even you.”

Ben smiled. “I have been feeling … well … I’m not quite sure what I’ve been feeling to tell you the truth Paul,” he admitted. “I’ve been angry with myself and the boys for so long now … I’ve been short tempered for no good reason …” He sighed. “I just don’t know …”

“Ben was the last time you enjoyed anything?”

Ben jerked. “What?”

“When was the last time you really enjoyed anything?”

“I … I don’t know.”

“Exactly. You feel like you’ve lost your joy in life don’t you?”

“Yes,” Ben admitted. “I just feel ….” His voice trailed away and he walked over to look out of the window. “I love my life Paul … my work, my family … but lately it hasn’t seemed to have  been enough for me. I don’t know why.”

“Well I do. You’re overloaded Ben. You need to stop for a while. I’m serious when I say that you have to take some time off. Why don’t you go to San Francisco for a while? Take in the sights, visit friends, that sort of thing?”

Ben fingered his chin thoughtfully. “I … I suppose I could,” he said. “In a few weeks. After the timber contracts have …”

“Ben, go now. Adam can handle all of that … with Hoss and Joe to help him. You need some time away Ben. You need to make time for you.”

Ben nodded. I believe you’re right,” he said. “After all, the ranch is meant for the boys anyway. I suppose it’s time that I let them run it for a bit.”

“Exactly,” said Paul. “You’ll find that going away for a while is just what you need my friend. You’ll see.”

**********

And Ben had seen. Since he’d arrived in San Francisco he’d done nothing but enjoy himself. Doreen and Tom had seen to it that he had plenty of time to himself, but he’d also been able to catch up with so many good friends …. Like tonight. Ben glanced over his shoulder into the room full of people again and smiled. They’d organised this party especially for him and so many of his friends had come. So why was it that he felt so alone tonight?

“What’s wrong with me?” he said out loud to no one in particular. “Why am I feeling like this?”

“Like what?” asked a female voice behind him and Ben turned to see Mary Atkins standing there smiling at him. “What are you feeling like Ben?”

Ben smiled at her. “I’m just a bit out of sorts tonight,” he said. “Take no notice of me Mary.”

“Missing your boys?” she asked.

He stared at her. “I suppose I am,” he said. “How did you know?”

“Because you have that look about you,” she said. “The one you get whenever you talk about them.”

“The look?” he asked, puzzled.

“Yes Ben … the look,” she said, coming to stand next to him. “Everyone knows it.”

“Knows what?”

“How special those boys are in your eyes.” She placed a hand on top of his. 

“Am I that transparent?” he asked, laughing.

“Yes,” she said. “You only talk about them non-stop you know.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t mean to. It’s just …”

“That they’re so special,” she finished for him.

“Actually I was going to say that it just because they have no mothers I think. I’ve had to be both father and mother to those boys for so long that I can’t help … well …. Concentrating on them so much I suppose.”

“I think it’s lovely,” she said. “I’m sure they’re wonderful boys.”

“I think so,” said Ben, his eyes shining at the thought of his sons. “Do you know that it took a friend of mine a great deal of persuasion for me to even come here?  I was sure that those boys of mine needed me. They’re grown men and yet I still fuss around ..”

“ … like an old mother hen,” said Mary.

Ben laughed. “Something like that,” he admitted. “I know they’re fine without me, but it’s what I’m used to I suppose. I raised them all practically single-handedly and I don’t like to think of them not needing me any more.”

“I’m sure they need you Ben. Children always need their parents, not matter how old they are.”

“You’re right of course,” said Ben. “Still, a man needs to be needed.”

“And a man also needs to think of himself occasionally,” she added. “I suspect that you don’t do that very often Ben Cartwright.”

“I suppose I don’t,” he admitted. “It seems like there’s always someone of something else to be dealt with.”

“Well I think it’s about time you are thinking of yourself for a change,” she said. “Now come inside and dance with me before everyone thinks that you left.”

Ben laughed again and held out his arm. “Ma’am,” he said. “May I have this dance?”

“Certainly,” she said and they swept into the room together.

**********

Ben stopped and looked into the shop window, reading the titles of the books that were on display. He wondered which ones he should choose for Adam and then considered that he should probably get a couple for Hoss and Joe as well. It was always Adam that that he thought of first whenever he went into book stores because he was such a voracious reader, yet he knew that even though they didn’t read as much … his younger two sons also enjoyed books. Their tastes mightn’t be a highbrow as Adam’s but he was sure that he could find something for them as well. 

He had already spent quite a bit on presents for his three sons since he’d been in San Francisco, but it gave him such delight to give the boy presents that he just couldn’t help it. He’d always made a habit of bringing them home something whenever he could, and this time he felt as if they really deserved it for putting up with his bad temper during the past few months as well as to make up for all the extra work they’d would have been forced to do because of his absence. 

He shook his head and tried to stop his thoughts from heading in that particular direction. He knew that none of his boys begrudged him coming away like this, but still he couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. If the truth be known, he just couldn’t see to concentrate on himself as he’d aimed to do. Try as he would, his boys kept invading his thoughts as he tried to decide on presents for them and think about what they were all doing.

He missed them. Pure and simple as that. 

It was strange how he could hardly wait to get away from the ranch once he’d made up his mind to have a vacation, yet as soon as he he’d left he had started to miss the boys and his home. Ben looked around at the throngs of people who were milling up and down the street and thought for a moment how ironic it was that a man could be so lonely in the midst of such a crowd of people. He wondered if it was time to go home. 

He walked into the bookstore and looked around. “May I help you sir?” asked an assistant. “Looking for something for yourself?”

“No,” replied Ben. “Actually I’m looking for ….” He hesitated. “Well yes as a matter of fact. I am looking for myself …. Among other things.” He surveyed the multitude of bookshelves around him. How long had it been since he’d bought a book for himself? He really couldn’t remember. “I’m looking for quite a few things actually,” he continued. “For myself and for some other people as well.”

“Yes sir,” said the assistant, rubbing his hands. “Let’s see what we can find for you then, shall we?”

Half an hour later, Ben emerged from the bookstore with a large package of books under his arm. Enough to satisfy all three of the boys … and himself as well. He wandered down the street towards the port, stopping to look in the windows of various stores along the way. He had made a habit of spending time down along the wharves each day since he’d been here, soaking up the atmosphere of the sailors and others who frequented the place. It took him back many years when such a place had been the focus of his life … even before he’d been married to Elizabeth, Adam’s mother.

He sat down on a bench facing the ocean and drew in a deep breath of the salty air. At times he really missed the sea! He briefly wondered what his life would have been like if he’d never left it and for a moment the idea thrilled him. Then he shook his head. If he hadn’t left the sea, then there would have been no Adam, no Hoss, no Little Joe and his mind couldn’t really take that in. Life without his boys? That was unthinkable. Through all the tragedies he’d experienced in his life, his boys were the things that had kept him going and he never have traded anything for that.

Ben smiled. Here he was thinking about his boys again! It seemed that Mary had been right the other night when she’d said that he was always focussed on them. If he wasn’t talking about them or buying presents for them, then they were invading his thoughts. 

Ben hoped that they had forgiven him for his behaviour before he’d left. He knew that he had hurt all three of them at times lately with his attitude and he really couldn’t justify doing so. They were good boys and only tried to please him … well … most of the time, he thought. There were times when they’d needed his discipline as all boys did, but on the whole they were sons a man could be very proud of. He patted the parcel of books on the bench next to him, thinking for a moment of their faces as they received their presents.

He smiled as he remembered their faces years ago. Adam …a serious dark-haired little boy who had always tried to be such a help to his Pa during the years of travelling. Adam had experienced a life that most children never had had to, full of deprivations and hardships. Yet through it all he had never once let his father down. Adam …. Dependable and steadfast .. always trying to be so mature. 

Hoss …. Such a wonderful child in so many ways. Hoss had never given Ben any worries really … only the occasional boyhood pranks that were normal for a growing boy. Always helpful, always dependable, never demanding …. Hoss had grown into a thoughtful and wonderful man.

Little Joe …. Or Joe as he now insisted on being called. Ben chuckled quietly to himself as he considered that this third boy of his had probably given him more worries than his two brothers combined. Yet he wouldn’t have had it any other way. Joe’s personality was such that he was a constant source of the unexpected in Ben’s life and yet amidst all the worries he was such a delight that Ben only had to look at his mischievous face to love him all the more for the trouble he caused.

What would he have done without the three of them? Ben closed his eyes and listened to the cacophony of noise around him and thought that of all the sounds in the world, the one sound he longed for right now was the sound of his three sons’ voices. No matter how many sights there were to see in this wonderful city, the sight of his three sons’ faces were the ones he longed for more than anything else. “It’s time to go home Ben,” he said out loud as he stood up. He looked across the vast expanse of water in front of him and nodded. It was time to go back where he belonged. He turned his back on the ocean and walked away from it.

**********

”Are you sure Ben? We’d love to have you stay longer.” Doreen looked at him with anxious eyes. “You do look a lot better than when you arrived of course, but still …”

Ben shook his head. “It’s time to go home,” he said. “I miss my boys.”

“Of course we understand,” said Tom. “But you must promise to come back again Ben. It’s time you took time out on a regular basis.”

“I know,” replied Ben. “I’ve learnt that much in these past few weeks. I promise that I’ll make this a regular habit. I’ve really had a wonderful time here and I can’t thank you enough. I feel rested and ready to take on my work again and that’s something I haven’t felt in a long time.”

“I’m glad,” said Doreen sincerely. “When will you go?”

“I’ve booked a ticket on the boat to Sacramento for Wednesday,” said Ben. “All things going well I should be able to catch the stage from there and be home within the week. I’ll wire the boys and let them know.”

“They’ll be glad to have you home again,” said Tom.

“I hope so,” said Ben. “Although the way I was behaving before I left, I wouldn’t blame them if they weren’t.”

“Nonsense,” said Doreen. “Of course they understood.”

Ben sighed. “I’ve truly had a wonderful time here, but there’s one thing I know …. I suppose that I’ve always known. I can never be completely happy anywhere without my sons. Even in the midst of all this excitement I’ve felt a hole in my heart because they’ve not been here.”

“They’re lucky boys,” said Doreen, giving him a peck on the cheek. “To have you as a father,” she added in response to Ben’s puzzled look.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m the lucky one.”

**********

Ben looked up from the book he was reading and smiled as he caught his first glimpse of the Sierra mountain range as it loomed in front of him. He thought about his sons on the other side of the mountains and his heart ached for them. It was strange how he had stopped in Nevada all those years ago when he’d first seen these mountains from the other side. He’d meant to come straight through to California and even though he’d eventually come further on to check out the country on the other side of the Sierras, one look had told him at the time that this was the land that he’d been searching for. It was as if God had told him to stay put …. Well, God and a young dark-haired boy named Adam who’d insisted that this was their new home. 

Ben smiled as he remembered that day so many years ago when he’d stood on the top of a mountain and looked over the spreading plains in front of him. Baby Hoss had been on his hip and Adam had stood by his side, proclaiming in no uncertain terms that this was where they were meant to stay. Ben really couldn’t have argued with the boy, as he had felt it in his heart as well. Nevada .. or Western Utah as it was then known … was the place that they had travelled all those miles to find and it was the place where their family was meant o put down their roots.

Coming back to it now, he had that full feeling in his heart as he always did when he’d been away. He was coming home … to his family and his land … and life was sweet. Of all the places on God’s earth to be … this was where they belonged. He’d take breaks again … and insist that his boys find their feet in city life as time went on … but Nevada and The Ponderosa would always be where his heart was. He hoped that their hearts would always be there too. 

Ben sat up straight and closed his boos as the stage began the steep climb up the western side of the mountain range. He was going home … to his sons and his ranch … he was going home where he belonged and he wouldn’t be lonely any more.

**********

As the stage approached the bend in the trail that would give him his first sight of Virginia City, Ben wondered for a moment which of his boys would be there to meet him. He widened his eyes in surprise and delight to see as they rounded the bend, that the three of them were standing near the stage office. He put his hand out of the window and waved to them as the stage drew to a halt, his heart constricting as it always did when he saw them after being away for a time.

“Hello!” he said joyfully as he stepped down from the stage. “I didn’t expect you all to be here to meet me.”

Hoss beamed at his father. “Well it was me who was gonna come Pa,” he said, patting his father on the back. “I was combining the trip with getting supplies.”

“And I thought that he would need some help in loading them,” explained Adam, stepping forward and shaking his father’s hand. Ben tried not to smile at his eldest son’s excuse. They all knew full well that the brawny Hoss had never needed helping with loading supplies at any time. 

“And I just couldn’t wait to see ya Pa!” exclaimed Joe as he jumped forward and hugged his father. “So I had ta come too!”

“He just had to come to get out of work, no doubt,” said Adam playfully, giving his youngest brother a light punch on the arm.

“Well I don’t care,” said Ben, drinking in the sight of them all. “I’m just so happy to be back with all of you again.”

“Does that mean you ain’t crabby no more Pa?” asked Joe, with a twinkle in his eyes.

Ben pretended to be cross, but failed dismally. “No son,” he laughed. “I’m not crabby any more. I hope you can all forgive me for the way I was acting before I went.”

“No problem Pa,” said Joe. He looked at his father hopefully. “Did you bring us anything?”

“Joe!” said Adam.

Ben laughed and put his arm around his youngest son’s shoulder. There was still so much of the boy in Joseph. “Yes I brought everyone presents,” he said. “How about we get on home and open them?”

Hoss and Adam grabbed his bags and they headed off towards the buckboard and the horses. “So …” Ben said. “How is everything on the ranch?”

“Fine,” said Adam.

“The timber contracts go alright?”

“Sure did,” said Hoss. “Older brother here did real well with em Pa.”

Ben gave Adam a proud smile. “I have no doubt about that,” he said. 

“Everything’s fine Pa,” said Adam. “Even this one …” he indicated Joe, “ …behaved himself this time.” Joe put on an indignant look and then broke into a giggle when Adam winked at him. 

Ben looked at them all. “I’m proud of all of you,” he said, looking at the three young men standing before him. His heart swelled with pride and for a moment they were his little boys again. “Let’s get on home boys,” he said with a contented sigh.

The End