Summary: Little Joe waits by the grandfather clock for Pa’s return.  As the hours tick away, Joe grows fearful that something’s happened to Pa, while reflecting on the times he’s worried his father by coming home late. Rating T, WC 4674

Forever in My Heart 
Forever in My Heart #2 (coming soon)

Forever in My Heart

***Now, while we’re here alone, and all is said and done.  Now I can let you know because of all you’ve shown.  I’ve grown enough to tell you.  You’ll always be inside of me.  How many roads have gone by?  So many words left unspoken.  I needed to be by your side.  If only to hold you.  Forever in my heart.  Forever, we will be.  And even when I’m gone, you’ll be here with me.  Forever.  Once, I dreamed that you were gone.  I cried out trying to find you.  I begged the dream to fade away.  And please awaken me.  But night took a hold of my heart.  And left me with no one to follow.  The love that I lost to the dark I’ll always remember.  Forever in my heart.  Forever here you’ll be.  Know that when I’m gone, you’ll be near to me.  Forever in my life.  Always thought I’d be.  I’d be yours. Forever.  (Song: Forever, lyrics by Kenny Loggins, Eva Ein Loggins, and David Foster.) ***

I had no idea how many times I had limped over to the grandfather clock there by the front door.  The one thing that I did know was that it must be keeping time though every hour that passed by was at least a full day in my mind.  I’d never noticed how quiet the ranch house was when there wasn’t anyone else there but me.  That was a rare thing with two noisy brothers, a Chinese cook and part of the family, and of course my father.  Pa wasn’t noisy, but you’d know he was in the room just by the look he’d shoot your way.  In fact, he said more with his expressive eyebrows than most people could with a shout. I knew that from first-hand experience.  It was extremely rare for me to go one week without Pa’s eyebrows raised over something I had either said or done.  I guess it was because I’m his youngest and from what everyone tells me the rowdiest and the most hardheaded of the three sons, he’s tried to raise single handedly.  I won’t deny that.

I cursed myself for being so clumsy as it was the only reason why I wasn’t out with the herd like both Adam and Hoss plus every single one of our ranch hands because I’d hurt my ankle.  It was a stupid move on my part but how I’d done it would no doubt be brought up to me probably for the rest of my natural life.  I hadn’t meant to stay out so late but by the time I’d played that last hand of five card draw the Silver Dollar Saloon was closing.  I pocketed my winnings, which were a grand total of two dollars after five straight hours.  Then I hurriedly ran outside and just about leaped into my saddle.  Cochise knew that she’d be in for a real run now that it was past midnight.  I had a full moon to see by which was the only thing going for me that night.  By the time the two of us made it into the barn I was already making up a tall tale as to why I was coming home at such an ungodly hour.  Not that I thought Pa would believe me, but only to make myself feel better before trying to make it inside without waking the whole house.

Now to explain how I got hurt I’ll have to describe what happened step by step; which is a very appropriate choice of words.   I very quietly lifted the door latch hoping that when I had oiled it for Hop Sing it had paid off.  Slowly I pushed the door forward a quarter of an inch at a time.  It was then that I noticed that the flames in the fireplace were barely visible.  Boy, that was a welcome sight!  It meant that Pa hadn’t stayed up to stoke it while waiting on his no-account shiftless youngest son to come home.

***Yes!  Finally!  Pa hadn’t waited up for me!  I’m going to be able to tell him in the morning that I must’ve gotten home very shortly after everyone made it to bed! *** I thought as I quietly rolled up my holster and placed it with my hat on top of the credenza.  Now all I had to do was make it up the stairs.  Oh, there was a trick to doing that which I had also learned from prior experience.  Two of the steps make a terrible squeaking sound if you hit them dead center with your shoes.  So, before I moved a foot away from the front door I removed both of my boots.  I thought how very clever I was and couldn’t help smiling about it.  There’s something to be said for age and wisdom of course I had neither as anyone in my family would attest to.  But I wasn’t a seventeen-year-old anymore and I had a good two months of being a year from that now.  So, if anyone asked me how old I was I always say “almost nineteen” which makes my brothers laugh.  My wisdom isn’t from books, having barely gotten out of school with such awful grades the teacher made a point of telling my father she was surprised that I wasn’t adopted.  Good old Miss Gower and her terrible sense of humor.  She had a fondness for my brother Adam and thought him to be quite the scholar.  It just made me look more like the dunce she believed me to be just because he graduated from college.  My only saving grace was my brother Hoss, though even he excelled at book-learning far more than his kid brother.  But I had what I considered “vast life experiences” which made me smart in my own kind of way.  I knew how to oil a front door latch and where every squeaky step was on the staircase!

That night I learned an invaluable lesson about life.  Just because a fire looks like it’s about out does NOT mean that your father isn’t lying on the settee with a book on his chest waiting for you to sneak by him.

I made it to the first step and tiptoed to the second making my way up to my bedroom undetected.  My arrogance was my downfall.  And, in hindsight, downfall was a good word for what happened.

“Going somewhere, Joseph?” The deep baritone voice came up along with the man lying on the sofa.

It startled me.  No, to be perfectly honest it frightened me so much that I slipped and fell straight down into the living room.  The next thing I knew a very tired looking father was standing above me just shaking his head.

“Oh – hi, Pa,” I said, trying not to show the guilt that was now all over my face.

“Why hello, Son,” Pa nodded down to me.  “Nice of you to drop by at –” he paused and caught a sight of the grandfather clock across the room.  “Now let’s just see how well you know your numbers, Joseph.  The little hand is on the three and the big hand is on the four.”

“Uh – didn’t know it was that late,” I tried to gather my boots which had gone in two different directions.  I know that I looked foolish as I crawled around on my hands and knees like an infant until I finally pulled them to my chest.  Then I looked weakly up at my father.

Pa just stood there with his hands on his hips and his feet spread apart.  Not only did his eyebrows say more than words but that stance of his did too.  I took it to mean, ***Joseph, you’re in deep trouble with me now. ***

Pa drew in a deep breath as he watched his youngest crawling around at the base of the staircase retrieving his boots.  He hadn’t said anything yet, which wasn’t a good thing.

That’s when I finally stood and found out what that little unexpected fall had done to me.  Just as soon as I took one step in my stocking feet my right leg gave out and I went down to the floor once again.

“Joseph,” Pa said, a hint of worry blended with aggravation in the sound of that one word.  He knelt next to me and asked, “What did you do this time?”

“Oh – it’s nothing, Pa,” I returned, filled with embarrassment over my stupid move.  Then I felt Pa’s hands pulling me up.

“Let’s go over to the settee.”

I had to be assisted because it hurt to put weight on my right foot.  Pa made me lean back as he pulled up my pant leg.  Then, being the expert that he is due to my many injuries over the years, he inspected my leg from my knee down to my foot.

“Sprain,” He sighed and tugged the pant leg back down.  “You won’t be joining your brothers out with the herd tomorrow, Young Man.”

I stared up at my father who was hovering over me shaking his head.  I didn’t have to ask what he was thinking, I just knew.  *** Joseph you are going to be the death of me, Boy! *** Is what he wanted to say.  But Pa always gave me a break for at least the first ten minutes after I did something stupid before he went into an all-out lecture.

“Joseph, you are going to be the death of me!” Pa fumed, still shaking his head.

I hadn’t counted on him starting right in on me, but I guess the ten-minute rule is only in effect if it’s before three a.m.  I supposed I was fair game for him now.

“Gee, Pa, I’m sorry.”

My father stared at me much like Miss Gower used to when I’d tell her that I’d lost my homework while crossing a raging river to save a wounded child.  All belief in my being sorry for anything was suspended after three a.m. too, I supposed.

“Playing poker until the dawn and sneaking in here – and going to the lengths you did – like removing those boots I sometimes wonder if you are adopted.”

Oh no, Pa was harkening back to Miss Gower’s line and that wasn’t a good thing either!

“Pa – I almost won the whole pot tonight.  I would’ve been home sooner but –,”

That was when I felt the death grip on my right shoulder and then watched as Pa’s eyebrows knitted themselves together.  I knew I was in for it now.

“Well, let’s get you upstairs and into bed.”

“I can make it, I’ll just kind of hop, Pa,” I tried to help the situation, but my father wasn’t impressed at all.  He crossed his arms over his chest and pursed his lips.

“Joseph?” he questioned far too calmly.  It made me wonder just how my Christian name could sound so terrifying when Pa said it.

“Yes, Sir?”

“If you hop up the staircase, I want you to be careful.  There are two squeaky boards that you need to avoid so you don’t wake anyone up,” he mentioned drolly just to let me know that he was fully aware why I had my boots off.

“Yes, Sir – I think you’re right,” I nodded because it would serve no purpose to lie about what I had been doing.  Pa was amazing!  Somehow, he always knew every sneaky thing I did.  I wondered if he was really a mind reader and just kept that to himself.

Before I could say another word, Pa had pulled me up from the sofa and placed his hand underneath my right arm.  Then the two of us made it upstairs, and those two boards squeaked very loudly under Pa’s boots and my one working foot.

I glanced up at the grandfather clock again.  Now my stomach was starting to tighten with fear.  Pa should’ve been home hours ago.  I didn’t know what to do about it.  My brothers wouldn’t be home for days and none of the hired hands would be back inside the bunkhouse until the entire herd was moved to the northern pastureland.  Even Hop Sing was gone.  A sick cousin in town had taken priority over tending to us.  Hop Sing was always there for both of his families, those Chinese and American.

I kept telling myself that Pa was perfectly capable of taking care of himself.  It wasn’t working.  Though I knew that he had mastered clipper ships as a captain and afterwards had taken that arduous trek by wagon train clear across the country.  He had fought Indians and thieves and then carved a ranch out of nothing but wilderness. Surely Pa could handle anything.  I limped over to the living room and grabbed the cup of coffee which had gone ice cold.  It didn’t matter; I drank it anyway.  Leaning back on the settee I was going to stretch my legs out in front of me and put my feet on the forbidden coffee table, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I mean the coast was clear with Pa being gone, but somehow, I didn’t want to do it anymore.  The little bit of worry I had about my father was working up into deep concern.  I think that’s when it hit me.  How many times have I put my father through this kind of worry?  How many times have I made him stare at the same clock that I couldn’t take my eyes off now?  It gave me such a terrible feeling of regret.  I had been thoughtless and now it hurt deep inside.  Pa had worried, he had beaten a path back and forth to the front door so many times.  Looking outside to see if I was riding up only to realize I was going to do something stupid like stay out to an outrageous hour and then come sneaking back in.  It wasn’t funny.  It was clear to me now and it made me feel awful to have done it to my Pa.  I had acted so inconsiderate to a man who loved me so much that he’d worried himself into a head full of white hair because of me.

Once again, I limped to the clock.  It was three a.m.  The same three a.m. that I’d come into the ranch house three mornings ago.  Why did I do that?  For two stinking dollars?  I put my Pa through the worry and later having to tend to my injury.  Pa hardly fussed about it after he’d iced my ankle.  Now I was consumed with remorse along with my worry over why Pa hadn’t made it home.  Doctor Martin had come out and told both Pa and me that I had to stay off my right leg for two weeks due to the sprain.  While everyone else was out pulling their weight I couldn’t stand on mine.  At the very least it should have been me and not Pa who had gone into Virginia City the day before to handle the payroll and tend to the other errands.  But no, Pa had to do it just because I had done something thoughtless and stupid.  Maybe Miss Gower was right, I was adopted!  I don’t act like either of my brothers or my father for that matter.  I don’t even act like Hop Sing!  And on top of that I’m inconsiderate.

Thinking that I had heard something outside, I pulled the front door open and looked out into the yard.  Nothing but the wind picking up and ringing that bell that should’ve been tied down earlier.  I limped out the door and secured the rope.  I prayed that Pa would appear, and my worry would prove to be in vain.  But he wasn’t back.  He wasn’t home and he had a lot of money on him.  I wondered if someone had watched him at the bank and maybe waylaid him for the payroll?  What if he’s lying on the ground wounded or — no, I can’t think that.  If Pa was gone – I don’t want to think of it.  I need him too much.  That’s a selfish thing to say but it’s true.  I know my brothers need him too.  This world would mean little to me if there wasn’t a Ben Cartwright in it.

The clock chimed four times.  That was all that I could take!  I limped up the stairs and those two steps squeaked.  I didn’t care about that this night.  I wasn’t the one sneaking out of the house, I was going to limp on out of it just as soon as I got my boots.  I found them at the side of my bed and pulled them on.  My right ankle screamed at me, but I didn’t care.  I had to go.  I had to find Pa.  It wasn’t like him not coming home.  No, only someone who was thoughtless stayed out as late as this.  That’s me, not Pa!

I made it back down into the living room and limped over to the credenza.  My ankle was still swollen and protesting the feel of my boot.  I’d have gone out that morning even if it had meant that I would end up losing my whole dang leg if I could’ve found my father.   I decided that no matter how far I had to go to retrace Pa’s steps or however long it took me, I was going to find him.  I strapped my holster around my waist and secured the strings to my left thigh.  Before I left, I needed to look at the clock one more time, so I’d know what to tell Sheriff Coffee once I made it into town.

Looking over at the grandfather clock it read twenty minutes after four.  I cast a look around the living room taking it all in.  My eyes fell on Pa’s red leather chair sitting to the left of the fireplace.  I wondered if it would always be empty now.  There were tears welling up in my eyes and I had to fight them back.  But the persistent dread just wouldn’t let go of me.  What if Pa wasn’t ever coming back?  The house already felt like the heart of the place was missing.  What if something had happened to Pa – something bad? I knew that this ranch house would never feel like home again.

That was the very second that the front door opened.  I quickly spun around, almost losing my balance.  Catching myself at the last minute I held my place as I stared at the man in the fawn-colored coat.

“Pa?” I’m not sure if I said the word or just thought it in my mind.  I stared over at the clock again and it was twenty-one minutes after four.  I almost felt like life had begun again for me, as if the whole world stopped until the moment I’d seen my father.

“Joseph?   What are you doing up so late, Boy?” Pa asked as he set his hat, holster and the payroll satchel on the credenza and walked over to me.

I couldn’t talk.  I just intently stared at my father.  Every crease on his face and every worry line that I’d put there now had new meaning for me.  Just half a minute ago I was terrified that my father was dead and now he stood there in front of me.

“Why do you have your holster on, Son?” Pa queried as he set a hand onto my shoulder.

“I – well – I,” I found words impossible to come by at that moment and I’m sure that I sounded like I was as dumb as Miss Gower believed me to be.

“Joseph?  What’s wrong?” Pa questioned, giving me the once over with his eyes.

I broke his stare and looked down at the floor.  I’ll admit to saying a couple of “thank God’s” to myself.”

Finally, Pa understood.  He’d noticed my looking at the grandfather clock and, evidently, the expression that I was wearing was a replica of the way he looked whenever he had paced there in front of it worried about me.

“Are you okay, Pa?” I finally found my voice again.

“Yes, sorry to get in so late.  Roy needed my help with a few prisoners he’d just caught and Clem was home sick.”

“Oh,” I nodded but all I could think about was how my father could have been killed bringing the payroll home all by himself.

“You should be off that ankle, Joseph.”

“I – I’m okay, Pa.”

With a tilt to his head, my father examined me with his eyes and then a knowing smile turned up the corners of his lips.  And the next minute, without warning, I was locked inside his embrace.

“Not a good feeling, is it?” Pa whispered.

With my face pressed against my father’s shoulder I shook my head.  “No, Pa – it’s not.”

“I’ve done it quite a lot in the last eighteen years and two months.”

“Pa – I’m really sorry,” I tried to get my meaning across, but it just didn’t express how I was feeling.   “I – I thought something happened to you.  Oh – Pa – if I lost you – I just – well –” I never finished my statement.  I couldn’t.  I never wanted to think of my father not being with me.  I wanted to look across the living room and see him sitting in his red leather chair smoking his pipe and spouting his wisdom.  Bad thing was that I couldn’t express that to him no matter how much I wanted to.  I was really beginning to believe that Miss Gower hadn’t been wrong about my intelligence or lack thereof.  Adam could recite Shakespeare and even Hoss could hold a straight thought.  But all I could do that night was stutter.

“Joseph,” Pa whispered and ran his fingers through my hair, his usual method of calming me.  “I’m never going to leave you so get that out of your head.  Even when it’s time for me to join your mother I’ll be with you inside your heart.  And on those nights that you’ve made me wait and worry about you there’s one thing that’s helped me and that’s knowing that you are forever in my heart.”

I could only nod.  That seemed like a dumb thing to do at the time but somehow, I think Pa knew why I had done it.  I don’t talk about my father dying and I never will.

The clock chimed on the half hour.  It was four-thirty now.  Pa pulled me back and grinned at me.  I wanted to say something that would sound as smart as Adam or at least as thoughtful as Hoss.  But I was neither of them.  Maybe I am adopted?  If I am then fine!  I couldn’t have asked for a better father, adopted or not.

I heard Pa chuckle and then he patted me on the back.  “No, you’re not!” He insisted with a wink.

“Not what?”

“Adopted,” He returned with a gleam in his eyes.

“How’d you know I was thinking that?”

Pa laughed and ruffled my hair.  “I just know.”

I smiled gratefully.  Of course, he’d told me that before but somehow that night the way he’d said it felt genuine to me.

“And you’re not dumb either, Joseph.  No matter what Miss Gower said.”

I laughed along with him.  “You sure, Pa?”

“I’m sure,” Pa nodded.  Then he raised his eyebrows and said, “Of course you don’t use the brains the good Lord gave you sometimes.  But nonetheless you are smart.”

“Thanks,” I know I sounded like I’d just won a blue ribbon at the county fair.  Even if Pa was the only person in the world who would ever say that I was smart I was okay with it.

Something made me glance over at the clock again.  It was forty minutes after four.

“Joseph,” Pa whispered as he put his hand underneath my chin to redirect my gaze and make me look back over at him.  “It’s okay now, I’m home.  You can stop looking at the clock.”

I sighed and then I took a deep breath.  Then I let it out along with all of my previous worry about my father.

“Hand it over, Joseph,” Pa held out his hand and I removed my holster.  He walked over to the door and placed it next to his.  Then he moved back over to me and shook his head, giving me the look I’d seen so many times.  He was returning to his former self as the typical concerned father and worrying about my injury.

Pa put his arm across my shoulder.  I didn’t have to ask.  He was helping me across the room due to my sprain.

“Your boots, Joseph,” Pa pointed at my feet the minute I sat down and I nodded.  Then I removed them and tried to hide how much it had hurt to pull my right foot out of the boot.  But Pa knew anyhow, I could tell by the way he shook his head.  He was probably thinking how amusing it was that I would be the one trying to rescue anyone as klutzy as I was.

Then he did something that I hadn’t expected.  He patted my arm and whispered, “Thank you for what you were going to do, Joseph.”

That made me smile because he was acknowledging what I had planned on doing and wasn’t making me feel like a total fool for being worried about him.

The two of us sat on the settee together with neither of us talking.  I noticed his eyes closing with little effort. I knew that my father had to be exhausted after the long day and night he’d put in.  In just a few minutes Pa was sound asleep, and I didn’t want to wake him.  I reached behind us for the Indian blanket that was lying just to the left of where Pa was resting his head. Settling it over my father’s chest I couldn’t help staring at him like I was seeing him for the first time.

My eyes misted up when I thought about what Pa had said just a few minutes ago.  He’d said I was forever in his heart.  Despite all my antics, missteps and downright disobedience, my father loved and understood me.  He was right about how bad it felt to wait and worry about someone who came in late, and I swore to myself I’d not do that to Pa again.  Not purposely anyhow.

I decided that if Pa could fall asleep there on the settee, then I could too.  Stretching my legs out I set my feet on top of the coffee table.  It was safe to do so, as Pa was sawing logs by then.  The minute I leaned my head back and closed my eyes I heard him.

“Joseph—get your feet off the table,” Pa whispered and lightly elbowed my side.

I turned and looked over at Pa only to see him grinning at me.

“Yes, Sir,” I winked and withdrew my feet only to see him put his up on top of the table.

“Okay, now you can,” Pa smiled.

I think he just wanted to let me know that he was still there and that he was still in charge.

As I set my feet on the sacred coffee table next to his he handed me half of that blanket and closed his eyes again.

I watched Pa sleep until the clock chimed five times.  Then I nodded off with those words in my head.  Forever in my heart.  That’s where the man at my side would always remain.

The End

Written by Wrangler

7/15/26

The companion story to this is from Pa’s point of view and is my next one called, “Forever in My Heart #2”

(Dedicated to my story consultant Rob for all his pep talks. And two special friends who I’ve relied on, and they’ve never let me down.)