My Age of Majority

Adam recounts the tale of his first engagement and Ben’s reaction. Written for the “20th Anniversary Bonanza Brand (When I Was Twenty) Challenge”

Rating: T Word count: 4479

 

When I was twenty, I packed in a trunk the trappings of three years of city life, secured my new college degree in my traveling bag, left behind any architectural and engineering dreams beyond those that would help civilize my family’s piece of the West, and boarded a ship home.  Pa had allowed me my dream of an education in an environment of culture and intellectual stimulation financing it by sacrificing the further enhancing of his dream, our family’s dream- the Ponderosa.  He had done so knowing the emotional price he and my brothers would pay due to my absence, and I was thankful beyond measure, but it was not gratitude alone that drew me home.  I had missed my family and felt the pangs of homesickness many times over more than three years away, and I wanted once again to see and speak to those dear to me and be an integral part of their daily lives. I admit I also wanted to show them the man I had become and see the pride in their eyes.  I whistled as I walked up the gang plank and smiled as the ship left its berth.  The trip east to college had been my first independent adventure though the captain of that ship was a friend of my father’s, and Pa had charged him with looking out for me and delivering me safely to my Grandfather Stoddard.  Still, for the first time, I had been in charge of my daily life in a way I had only imagined before, and college had furthered that daily independence.  This time I had chosen the ship and booked the passage, so my chest swelled with manly pride as I carried my portmanteau to my cabin.  Money from tutoring freshman students the past two years made a private cabin an affordable indulgence for which I need not feel guilty.  I stowed my gear, washed, and dressed for dinner wondering if my table companions would be an enjoyable lot.  I walked into the dining room, spoke to the steward, and followed him to the table.  I need not have worried that any of those seated there would add a sour note to my meals.  Once the last member of our group was seated, I had no concern for anyone else.  My guardian angel had interceded and placed Lillian at my table.

 

Lillian Grace Spenser walked across the dining room on her uncle’s arm, and every male eye turned to gaze.  I barely breathed as she took her seat and her uncle introduced himself and presented her as his niece and ward.  How can I describe Lillian as I saw her that night?  She was beautiful, yes, but much more.  The only word I can use – inadequate though it may be- is alluring.  I would soon find that she was also intelligent and possessing of a sharp wit.  She was educated, polished, and could converse knowledgably on literature, art, music, and even politics. A slight smile directed my way emboldened me to invite her for a moonlight stroll about the deck.  That stroll was the first of many as the ship made its way toward the isthmus. With no chores and no responsibilities: academic, occupational, or familial; I was free to concentrate my time and attention on the object of my desire.  Lillian, while remaining the proper young lady at all times, accepted my attention and shared her time with me freely and to all appearances happily.  Her uncle, Alton Spenser, seemed accepting of me as a suitor for his niece and did nothing to impede our developing relationship.  By the time we left the ship for the isthmus crossing, those aboard the Golden Adventurer viewed us as a couple.  We sat side-by-side on the wagon that carried us to the Pacific with our clasped hands hidden in the folds of her skirts.  My eyes focused on Lillian while the tropical scenery passed by barely noticed. My ears were attuned to only her voice.  Her Adam whispered into those ears held an intimacy that made my heart race. To state it simply, I was in love with Lillian Spenser.  The gossips who observed us together may well have used the word besotted, and there would have been truth in that observation.

ACACACAC

By the grace of fate, Lillian and her uncle were making the same connection as I and also traveling on to San Francisco.  When she walked up the gang plank of the Golden Voyager on my arm and stood at my side as the ship pulled away from the shore, I knew I could not face losing her when the ship docked again at our final destination.   I added endearments to our conversations, sang her love songs, and dedicated my poetry to her.   Then one moonlight night after we had strolled the streets of San Deigo during a provisioning stop, I sank to bended knee and asked her to be my wife.  She accepted my proposal.  As I sprang up, grasped her in my arms, and kissed her long and deeply; my happiness reached heights previously unknown.  The shadow that San Francisco’s approach had previously cast had morphed into a beckoning sun promising an eternally bright future.  At twenty, I was young and in love enough to believe in perfect futures.

 

When we docked in San Francisco, I made myself useful dealing with luggage and transportation to a fine hotel for us all.  Not the most celebrated or expensive inn in the city but one my family had found well-run and comfortable on previous trips to the coast for business and culture.  My stepmother Marie had given it her hearty approval; I had no concern that Lillian would find it wanting.  I then went to arrange that a message would travel to my father relatively quickly, if convolutedly, informing my family that my ship had arrived safely and that I would be staying for a week to ten days in San Francisco to make travel arrangements and conduct some personal business.  I also apprised my father of the fact that I would not be hurrying on the journey home, but would be pausing a few days in Sacramento due to the fact that my fiancée and her guardian would be traveling with me.  I imagined the look that would appear on Pa’s face as he read the word fiancée: one of astonishment, surely, shaded with some parental concern since he had not yet seen me in my full manhood.  I did not worry, though, that he would find fault with my choice or set himself against my marriage.  I had always known that Pa’s foremost desire for his sons was their long-term happiness.  When he saw the joy that Lillian brought me, any opposition would crumble, and he would open his heart to his first daughter-in-law. It did not occur to me that when he read that message he would feel compelled to act.  So, I was unconcerned, and a magical week passed far too quickly.  Uncle Alton’s time was filled with business matters, the specifics of which I remained ignorant.  I made few inquiries and simply congratulated myself on having so much time alone with Lillian.  That time seemed enchanted, and our journey to Sacramento was problem free, though, Lillian and Uncle Alton both declared they were glad we had planned a short respite from travel in that city.  We settled easily into well-appointed rooms, and when I heard a knock on my door, I thought it must be a hotel employee or perhaps Uncle Alton.  It was not.  When I opened the door, I came face to face with Pa.

 

I could not have been more astounded.  After a mere second, I felt strong arms surround me and felt Pa’s broad back beneath my hands.  We stood savoring the touch and substance of each other for several minutes before we began moving from the doorway into the hotel room.  A torrent of exclamations poured forth from us both as did questions and answers that would have to be repeated later when we each would be able to focus on more than the actual presence of the one so long missed and longed for.  It was the chiming of a clock that brought our attention to the fact that the dining hour approached.  I began telling Pa the wonders of Lillian Grace Spenser and then hurried off to tell her the news of my father’s arrival and to plan their meeting over a late supper.

During that meal my eyes constantly moved from Lillian’s face to Pa’s and back again, unable to settle.  Pa explained how upon reading my message he could wait no longer for our reunion and had rushed to intercept us in Sacramento.  He was welcoming to Lillian and offered rooms to her and her uncle upon our arrival at the Ponderosa.  He asked about our wedding plans and listened to tales of our trip.  If he was less than relaxed, was slightly more contemplative and cool than I might have wished, well, Pa was not an impulsive man and the unexpectedness of the situation could be blamed for his reserve.    I had taken a suite of rooms with a bedroom and a separate sitting room, so there would be a place propriety deemed suitable when we wanted to talk privately. After all, Uncle Alton was available to serve as chaperone.  Following dessert, we retired to my sitting room with a bottle of wine, but shortly Lillian asked to be excused, and she and her uncle departed.  Pa and I talked for hours more and then shared the bedroom, reluctant to be separated again even by a hallway, and we both agreed the rent of another room would be a needless expense.

ACACACAC

Since I was a young boy, I have been cursed with admittedly infrequent but terribly severe headaches.  When they come upon me, there is nothing to be done but to retreat to a darkened room and lie as still as possible praying for relief.  There appears to be no rhyme or reason as to when they appear, but a fickle fate would have it that the next morning found me in the thrall of one for the first time in over eight months.  Pa darkened the bedroom as best he could, pulling the curtains tight.  He said he would explain to Lillian and Alton that I could not join them for a late breakfast as had been planned and that my appearance any time before the morrow was unlikely.  He departed, and I lay upon the bed moaning not only in pain but in frustration.  I also wondered how Lillian would view my weakness.  I cursed my affliction, little knowing how I would come to view that morning’s headache as a twisted blessing.

 

Eventually, I heard the hall door open and footsteps entering the sitting room.  The thought crossed my mind that Pa was taking less care to be quiet than he had in the past when knowing of my suffering, for noise as well as light was amplified into pain when such a headache was upon me. I heard two voices and knew that Pa had not returned alone.  Both men were easily heard, not just because Pa and Alton Spenser had voices designed to carry, but because there was a louvered opening in the wall between the bedroom and the sitting room devised to allow better circulation of the breezes entering the large bedroom windows.  At first, I did not focus on the conversation I was hearing, but slowly single words and statements drew my attention so that even in the fog of my pain I began to follow the meaning of what was being said.  Actually, I can recount almost verbatim the remainder of that conversation.  Mental repetition and review have etched it into my mind.

 

“Then, Benjamin, I take it that you have some, shall we say misgivings about your son’s upcoming marriage to my niece?”

 

“Should I have?”  Pa’s voice sounded cool and business-like.  I could not, of course, see what Alton read in Pa’s face or demeanor, but there was the sound of a shrug in his response.

 

“Well, that would depend on the source of your concern.”

 

Pa’s response was one I would never have anticipated.  “How old is Lillian?”

 

Knowing I had no sure answer to that question, a trickle of realization stirred concern.  Though Lillian would have been able to write a volume about me, what she had told me of her past would have barely filled a single page.

 

“Well, now, asking a woman’s age…” Alton’s voice faded away.

 

“She is a woman then and not a girl.  A woman concerned with appearing younger than her years.  How old, Alton?”

 

I heard a glass set down upon a table before the answer came.  “Twenty-nine actually.”

 

My eyes, which I had been carefully keeping closed, shot open, and the room spun.  I had thought her closer to nineteen than thirty.

 

“How old does Adam believe her to be?”    Pa’s tone was still calm if resoundingly commanding.

 

“You would have to ask him, but I assure you she has told him no lie about that matter.”  Alton Spenser’s tone shifted.  “I can guarantee you that she has been very careful to make no verifiably false representations to him.”

 

“At least none that could be used in a suit for annulment?”  There was a challenge in Pa’s tone.

 

“Precisely.”

 

“Has she omitted perhaps a few relevant facts?”

 

“One is not required by law to give a detailed accounting of the past before a marriage or even a betrothal.”

 

I grasped in that moment that two things were true.  While Lillian may have told no lies, there had been purposeful deception, and Alton did not realize I was in the adjoining room.  I also realized that despite my father’s many admonishments against eavesdropping and his having punished us for it, this instance was the exception that made the rule.  The truth is that Pa had not told Alton I was resting with a headache in the bedroom for he had planned on my overhearing their conversation.  I do not actually know what Pa did tell him, as I never asked.

 

“And what little details might a Pinkerton agent discover if employed by myself?”   In my mind I could see Pa’s right eyebrow rise.

 

“Two marriages, one annulment, and one divorce.”  By his tone, Alton Spenser evidently still thought he could assemble a winning hand even in the face of that truth.

 

“I see.”  Pa cleared his throat.   “Do you and your niece expect me to pay you to prevent the marriage, or are you willing to wait for a divorce settlement?”

 

“It depends on what you are willing to pay now.”

 

“And if when told the details, Adam decides he doesn’t want second hand goods?”

 

“Lillian will sue for breach of promise.  Not as lucrative, but one makes do.  Most men are willing to pay something to avoid scandal.  Society can be so harsh, so judgmental.”

 

By then I was holding my pillow against my mouth to stifle any possible exclamation and to keep the bile rising in my throat from leaving my mouth.

 

“True.” Pa’s voice became the one he used when negotiating contracts.   “There is one detail I should make you aware of before negotiations begin.”

 

“And that is?”

 

“My son Adam has not reached his majority.  He shall not turn twenty-one for nine months, three weeks and four days.”

 

“WHAT!  He’s a college graduate, has a double degree… don’t think you can bluff…”  Alton shouted and then sputtered into silence.

 

“He was always a precocious child, my Adam, always more mature than his years; he entered college early and was determined to finish as quickly as possible.  He did not want to be away from his family any longer than absolutely necessary.”

 

Alton’s unintelligible response sounded as feral as a growl.

 

Pa continued to show his hand.  “In the eyes of the law my son is still a l’infant incapable of entering into any contract including one of marriage.  No possible legal contract, no breach of said contract.  No parental approval given; assured annulment if I go to the courts.  All this is true no matter how carefully Lillian has schooled her representations.”

 

“You’ve seen them together.  Do you think she couldn’t lure him into an elopement?  Are you willing to have him hate you when you drag him back.  Law aside, he is no little boy to be spanked into submission.  He would hate you for even the attempt.”

 

Alton’s words were a punch to my solar plexus.  I ceased for a time to breathe but strained to listen.

 

“I’ll not deny the possibility; he has been rebellious and angry with me in the past.  Still, you have seen us together, Spenser.  Do you think I need fear an irreparable breach?”

 

“I think you would pay to prevent him suffering more than necessary. To avoid suffering for your entire family.”  Alton’s voice developed an accepting flatness.  “Lillian and I can depart in the morning leaving you with a letter for Adam explaining as gently as possible that upon further reflection she is convinced that what they had was but a shipboard romance that would not survive her having to live on a ranch in the wilds.  She will not even give him the chance to persuade her differently.  If he tries to pursue her, well, you can always reveal the “little details”.  Your payment will give him a chance to put the heartbreak privately into the past.”

 

“And how much would this letter and departure cost?”

 

“Possibly as little as two thousand dollars.” The bargaining had begun.

 

Pa coughed derisively. “Perhaps five hundred.”

 

“Lillian’s hold on a man can be nearly indestructible. He could decide to marry her in nine months, three weeks, and five days.  He does not appear to be a young man who gives up on dreams without a fight.  A thousand or two will carry her far, far away.”

 

“Will it assure that she stays away?”

 

“Adam’s share of the Ponderosa and its holdings would a temptation.”  Alton emitted a chuckle.  “The longer your money keeps her away from that temptation the less likely it is that a reunion would occur.  Surely, the peace of mind would be worth more than a thousand. The courts can be quite sympathetic to the needs of a young woman in a divorce settlement.”

 

“Perhaps.”  I sat up and almost shouted no, but the world spun, and I choked on the word. “But a divorce settlement holds no concern for me.  You should, Spenser, ask Lillian if she is willing to become a rancher’s wife permanently, for I assure you there would never be a divorce.  Cartwrights keep their vows for better or worse, and Adam would never give his wife grounds to sue for the breaking of hers.”

 

“I see.”  There was capitulation in Alton Spenser’s voice.  “Five hundred, you said?”

 

“Yes, but I do not have even that amount on hand, and my funds are not in a Sacramento bank.”

 

“A cash down payment and a cheque on your bank will be acceptable.  Benjamin Cartwright is known as an honest businessman.”

 

The sound of footsteps and counting were followed by the closing of the door and silence.  Pa walked softly then, and when he opened the bedroom door, I was seated on the side of the bed vomiting bile into the chamber pot.  He came and sat next to me placing his hand beneath my forehead and taking the pot to hold beneath my face.  “You heard.”  There was no need for me to answer.  After my stomach stilled and the room ceased to whirl, he eased me back to lie upon the bed.  “Rest now.  Do you want laudanum?”

 

“No.”  I have always hated laudanum, and Pa accepted my refusal.

 

His hand patted my shoulder gently, and he walked away closing the door with almost no sound as he left.  My body rested, held as still as possible.  My mind, though, raced through memories of conversations between Lillian and myself discerning every evasion and deflection that had passed unnoticed in the fog of my desire.  The conversation between Pa and Alton replayed itself dozens of times before I drifted into the sleep that would release me from my physical misery.

ACACACAC

When I woke, darkness filled the room.  I sat up, and the room did not spin.  I poured a glass of water and sipped it slowly.  I stood, and my legs held steady.  I wet a cloth and wiped my face.  While I had slept, my headache had receded and would soon fade away completely.  I saw a dim line of light along the bottom of the door to the sitting room, walked over, and opened it leaning against the door frame.  Pa had stretched out on the settee but sprang up immediately.

 

“Adam?”

 

“Yes, Pa.”

 

“Your headache?”

 

“Almost gone.”

 

“Good. Are you hungry?”

 

“No.”

 

“Perhaps later.  Come sit down.”

 

I obeyed, and the conversation that followed is also one which has never faded in my memory.

 

“She made a fool of me, Pa.”  I rued the whine in my voice.

 

“No, son, she fooled you.  There is a difference.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes, really.”

 

“How could I have been so …  so oblivious, so stupid.  I’m supposed to have a functioning intellect.”  I had already reproached myself a hundred times for allowing myself to be conned so easily.

 

“You were young and in love. You’ve heard them say ‘Love is blind’.”

 

“Well, the scales have fallen from my eyes.”  A wave of despair washed over me.  “I loved her, Pa.  How could I love someone like… someone who could…”

 

“You loved the person you thought she was, the person she made you believe she was. And now?”  Pa wanted assurance that no embers still burned.

 

“I don’t even lust after her anymore.”

 

“Adam, tell me, is there any possibility…”

 

I didn’t wait to hear the question. “No, no, absolutely not!”  I rubbed my hands over my face and sighed.  “How did you know to come running to the rescue?”

 

Pa shook his head.  “I came to reunite with my grown son all the sooner and to meet my future daughter.  If she had been what you believed, I would have been overjoyed to throw the grandest wedding the territory has ever seen and wait impatiently for the two of you to give me grandchildren.”

 

“Pa!”  I shook my head and then realized he had just acknowledged that I was man enough to take a wife.  “But it took you only one night to see it.  I was with them for weeks and didn’t… one night.”

 

“Experience, son, often makes all the difference, and I, well, I was viewing her from a father’s perspective.  Fathers can be quite judgmental and exacting when it comes to their sons’ future brides.”

 

“Oh.  I’ll remember that in future.”

 

“There will be reason for you to, I’m sure, but perhaps not the near future.”  He gave me a rueful smile.

 

I sighed and shifted in my seat.  “Whatever am I going to tell everyone at home!”

 

“Nothing that you wouldn’t have told them if Lillian had not been on board that ship.”

 

“But…”

 

“I told no one of your engagement, except Hop Sing, of course. There is no one with more discretion than Hop Sing.  If things had gone as you expected, your bride would have been a wonderful surprise to your brothers and our friends.”

 

“Thank the Lord!”  I gave him a look that said “you may not have known, but you suspected.”  A few seconds passed in silence.  “Pa, I’ll pay you back.  It may take some time, but I’ll pay you back.”

 

“No, you won’t.”  His voice was adamant, and if I had been even a year younger, I would not have challenged him.

 

“I shall, you shouldn’t have to pay for my folly, my mistake.”

 

“The decision to pay was mine.  We shall say no more about it.”

 

I rolled my eyes thinking it unlikely that he would see in the low light with my face in shadow.  I leaned toward him then.  “Before we say no more about any of it, well, I…  If I had not accepted what I heard, if I had refused to believe…  Well, if I had snuck out the bedroom window and eloped, would you… what would you have done?”

 

Pa sent a steady gaze my way and spoke with a sternness that made my back straighten.  “I would have tracked you down, given you the last and worst whipping of your life for sneaking out windows and running away, and then brought you home.”

 

“And dragged me to court for an annulment?”  There was a challenge demanding acknowledgement of my adulthood in both my words and tone.

 

“That would have depended on the details.  Adam, if you had stood before a man of God and vowed to be Lillian’s husband, taking her as your wife in the sight of God and with knowledge of who she really was, well, I would have heeded the minister’s admonition.”

 

“What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.”

 

“Exactly.  Whether there was an annulment or not would have been your choice.”

 

“Despite my being a child?”

 

Pa smiled.  “You shall always be my child; I’ve told you that before, but I realize that you have become a man in your own stead.”

 

I smiled.  “You do?”

 

“You may have to remind me from time to time even after nine months, three weeks, and five days have passed but yes.  You are a college graduate after all!”  The was the pride I had longed to hear in his voice, and it swelled his chest and mine.  My misery lightened a bit.

ACACACAC

I made no attempt to see Lillian before she and Alton departed and burned her letter unread. The next day Pa verified that they had checked out of the hotel.  He and I remained another night and then traveled home.  Since then, Pa and I have spoken only a few times of my first engagement.  It comes to my mind infrequently and holds only the sting of wounded pride except in certain moments when the magic of the romance washes over me and makes me desire to find such a feeling again.  I think on it now only because my little brother just announced he intends to marry a woman instinct tells me will bring him not marital bliss but a continuing misery.  The memory makes me hold my tongue from understanding.  It also brings comfort from the thought that even the most besotted lover can have his eyes opened if fate is given a helping hand.