Summary:  Adam takes Becky away to help her recover from her illness. As Becky regains her health, they both find renewal. But then Adam is forced to accept that some wounds are so deep that they can never be truly healed.

Rating:  T  (21,265 word)

Memories of Love Series:

Memories of Love
The Future of Love
Love’s Rewards
A Time to Heal
The Unlooked for Saviour
To Rage in Heaven

This story takes place nearly eighteen months after Adam and Becky are married. It refers back to the story ‘A Man’s First Duty’, but can be read independently of it.

This story is dedicated to Gail who first gave me the idea of revisiting Alice and Jed. I hope she likes the result.

A Time To Heal

Chapter One

Adam Cartwright was at home, sitting on the green sofa in front of a roaring fire, looking into the flames and trying hard not to think. Every time he did all he could see in his mind was the pale, perspiration-covered face of his beloved wife.

Becky had been ill with a fever for more than three weeks. Sometimes they thought that she had thrown it off, but then it would return, sapping her strength and leaving her exhausted.

Adam could not help but think of his father’s three wives, each mother to one of his sons, and the injustice of their untimely deaths. Adam had inherited many traits from his father, his strong will, his courage and his sense of justice among them. Now he prayed that he had not inherited tragedy as well.

“I think that she’s going to be all right.” Said Doctor Paul Martin, emerging from the bedroom.

“What?” Adam’s head jerked up as he dared to hope that he had heard correctly.

“The fever seems to have gone, her colour’s better and she’s breathing evenly. I think the worst is past.”

Paul went to sit beside his friend, and saw his face drawn and hollow eyed with exhaustion and worry.

“I think you should try to get some rest. Lie down for a while, I’ll stay here tonight and keep an eye on Becky and the children.” He suggested. He knew that Adam had not only been worrying over Becky but also looking after their twins, one-year-old Josh and Elizabeth, as well as running their ranch which was usually Becky’s chosen job, and doing his work for his father at the Ponderosa.

Adam shook his head. “No, it’s all right, Paul, I’ll just go and sit with her for a while.”

“She’s sleeping now, let me at least make you a cup of coffee first.”

“Yes OK, thanks.” Adam leant back against the sofa, and said a silent prayer of thanks, both for Becky’s recovery and for the skill of his friend, and squeezed his eyes tight shut against the tears that threatened to fall. Paul returned a few minutes later and handed a cup to Adam, who was glad to see it was strong and black, it would help to keep him awake. Paul stood over him while he sipped the hot bitter liquid, until he had finished it.

“That’s better, now you just put your feet up on the sofa and go to sleep.” He ordered.

“No, I’m going to see Becky.” Adam said. He was grateful for Paul’s ministrations, but wanted to assure himself that Becky was all right. “I’ll just sit with her for a while and then…then I’ll…um…go and sit with her.” Adam seemed to be having trouble with his words, his mind was disappearing into a fog.

“I think that the amount of sedative I put in that coffee will keep you asleep for several hours, so do as I say and put your feet up.”

“Traitor.” Said Adam sleepily.

“Well, you wouldn’t do as the doctor ordered.” Before Paul had finished speaking, Adam was asleep. The doctor caught the cup that was slipping slowly from the unfeeling hand, then lifted Adam’s feet onto the sofa, and pulled a blanket over him and sat, watching over all his charges.

Four weeks later Adam was sitting on the veranda outside the Ponderosa ranch house, enjoying the peace of the dusk that was settling over the pine forests surrounding his family home. He was dressed, as was his custom, all in black and his raven hair and dark, handsome features were slowly disappearing into the shadows. He yawned, stretching his long arms above his head as he did so. He slouched back into his chair, thinking that it had been weeks since he had felt that he’d had enough sleep.

Becky had thought that she was better, but Adam could see that the effort of looking after the twins left her exhausted. She was obviously far from well, and was worrying that she couldn’t look after her home and family, despite Adam’s assurances that he could manage perfectly well. Now, with only a slight improvement, Adam had decided to take her away from their ranch, and their children.

Ben came out of the house to join his eldest son, carrying two glasses of brandy, handing one to Adam as he sat down opposite him.

“Pa, I don’t know how long we’ll be away, are you sure you will be all right with the children?” Asked Adam looking at the older man. His father’s hair was grey and he walked with a slight stoop, but his lined face still showed the strength and determination of his youth

“Of course, it will be a change for us to have little ones about the house, and Joe and Hoss are looking forward to it as well. I don’t think I will have too much to do, I suspect that they will want to do it all.” Ben laughed, thinking of his two younger sons, and how they spoilt their nephew and niece. “Just get Becky away for as long as it takes.”

Adam looked sombre, he wasn’t happy to leave the children for such a long time but he wanted Becky well again, and knew it might take weeks for that to happen.

“I am very grateful to you, you know that.”

“Adam, it’s what a family is for. You go and take care of Becky and don’t worry about anything back here. Joe and Hoss are going to keep an eye on your place, and the children will be fine here.”

“I’m not too worried about the ranch, Jeb and Andy are good hands, they will take care of it. And they know they can come here if they need help.”

“Then go and get Becky well again. That’s all you have to think about now, not what’s happening here. I know where you will be, and if there is any problem I can get in touch with you.”

Adam yawned again.

“Go to bed.” His father instructed. “You have to catch the stage in the morning.”

“OK Pa.” Adam said, standing, and his father stood as well and put a hand on his son’s shoulder.

“Go and enjoy yourself. You and Becky haven’t had any time alone since the children were born. It will do you both good.”

Adam turned to look at his father, and felt a deep well of emotion open inside him. A feeling of love and respect for this man who had raised three sons almost single handed, and yet now, when he should have been sitting back and enjoying a more relaxing life, was willing to take on extra work so that his son and daughter-in-law could go away.

Adam suddenly put his arms round his father and hugged him. Ben was taken by surprise at the move, Adam was not a man who showed his feelings easily, and Ben hugged him in return.

“Thank you Pa.” Adam said breaking away and moving quickly into the house, almost as though he was embarrassed at what he had done. Ben stood and watched him go, treasuring that rare moment when his son had worn his heart on his sleeve.
Chapter Two

Adam and Becky travelled slowly towards their destination. They could have done it in four days, but they broke their journey twice, to allow Becky to rest, and it took them over a week.

When they finally got off the stage, Becky insisted that she didn’t need to rest, and made Adam go and hire two horses for them to ride, saying that she would enjoy the fresh air and the feeling of being on a horse again, and she wanted to get to their journey’s end as soon as possible.

Adam arranged for their few pieces of luggage to follow them, and then he and Becky rode out of town.

Jed Tucker, the foreman of the Bartram ranch, looked up from examining his horse’s hoof to see two riders come into the front yard. He stood up and smiled, recognising the black clothing and dark looks of the man he was proud to call his friend.

“Adam!” He shouted, waving, and running across the yard.

Adam pulled his horse to a standstill, and dismounted. He held out his hand in greeting. Jed ignored the offered hand and threw his arms round Adam, who embraced him in return.

“Jed! It’s good to see you. How are you?”

“I’m fine, so’s Alice. She told me you were coming.” Jed stood back and looked at Adam. “By God, you’re going grey!” Observed Jed seeing signs of silver in the black hair showing below the rim of Adam’s hat.

“Have you looked at yourself lately?” Adam laughed, seeing Jed’s once fair hair was now mostly white, and then turned to Becky. “Jed, I’d like you to meet my wife, Becky.”

Jed took a long look at the woman who had managed to capture so completely the heart of his friend. Becky had her dark hair hidden beneath her hat, but her slim figure was emphasised by the shirt and trousers that she habitually wore for riding. “Becky, this is Jed Tucker, the best friend a man could have.”

Jed and Becky shook hands.

“It’s a real pleasure to meet you, ma’am. And you have my deepest sympathy, getting mixed up with this tyrant.” Jed said.

Becky looked at Adam, smiling.

“Oh, I manage to keep him under control, most of the time.” She laughed.

“How’d you do that then?” Asked Jed.

“Blackmail, mostly. I just threaten not to feed him.”

“Would you two mind not talking about me as though I’m not here.” Adam protested lightly.

“I’m sorry, my darling, but you have told me so much about Jed, and I was so anxious to meet him, I feel as though we are already friends.”

“He’s written me about you too, ma’am.”

“Please, Jed, call me Becky.” She insisted.

“Is Alice in?” Adam wanted to know.

“Of course, come on up to the house. Do you have any luggage?”

”Yes, a little. I’ve arranged to have it brought out from town. We wanted to get here as fast as we could, so we hired a couple of horses. We’ve spent days on a coach, it was good to be in the saddle again.” They were walking towards the house, and Adam was pleased to see how good the place was looking. It was four years since he had been there, just before he left to travel the world, and it seemed that the ranch had prospered in his absence.

When he had first seen the house ten years ago, it had looked run down and in need of a coat of paint. Now it looked bright and welcoming, and as always there were flowers in the pots on the veranda that ran the width of the house.

The front door of the ranch house was thrown open and Alice Bartram walked quickly down the steps and flung herself into Adam’s outstretched arms, and he lifted her off her feet, as she hugged him.

“Oh Adam, it’s so good to see you. How are you?” She cried. Alice was in her mid sixties, small and grey haired, but she squealed like a child at seeing her favourite man in the whole world.

“Alice! I’m very well.” Adam set her back on her feet and held her at arms length, looking at her. “You look well, how’s everything?” He remembered that in her letters she had complained of a touch of arthritis, but she seemed otherwise to be in good health.

“Everything’s fine, thanks to you.” Alice glanced past Adam to the young lady standing behind him.

“Alice, this is my wife, Becky.” Said Adam turning to put his arm round Becky’s waist. Alice had not yet met Becky, she had been unwell when they were married and the doctor had advised against making the long journey to the Ponderosa.

”Becky, may I call you that?” Becky nodded, “Becky, welcome to my home. Please come in, you must be tired after your journey.” Alice knew of Becky’s illness and was concerned to see that the girl looked a little pale.

Alice led them into the house and made them sit in the parlour while she went to get the coffee. She returned with a tray, which she placed on the table in front of the sofa. Becky suggested that Alice should sit next to Adam, and then she poured coffee for them all.

Becky could see that Alice could not take her eyes from Adam, and wondered at the relationship her husband had with this spirited old lady. He had told her something of the history between them, but she suspected from his reception that there was a lot he had missed out.

“Mrs. Bartram…” Becky started but Alice stopped her.

“Please, my dear, call me Alice. Mrs. Bartram is too much of a mouthful.” Adam laughed, he remembered her saying exactly the same thing to him many years before.

“Alice, thank you for inviting us here, Adam has told me so much about you all, I have been longing to meet you.”

“I gather that you have left the twins with Ben.” Observed Alice.

“Yes,” said Adam, “He couldn’t wait to have them, but I suspect that we’ll find him glad enough to give them back when we get home. I don’t think he remembers what it’s like to have small children about.”

“Well it’s wonderful to see you. You know, Becky, that but for your husband I would have no ranch.” Alice put her hand on Adam’s knee, and he put his hand over hers.

Becky raised her eyebrows, this was the first that she had heard of it.

“Adam, why don’t you go with Jed and take a look around?” Alice suggested, but it was more like an order.

Adam and Jed stood up, Adam knew he was being dismissed, the ladies wanted to talk. He bent down and kissed Becky on the top of her head.

“Don’t believe everything Alice tells you, she’s prone to exaggerate.” Said Adam. Alice watched him go, a fond smile on her lips. Then she turned to Becky.

“Tell me, my dear, how are you?”

“Getting better, but I seem to have no energy. Every time I try to do something I feel so tired.”

“Then let’s hope that your stay here will make you well again. You need do nothing but rest and relax, and enjoy the countryside. It really is quite beautiful, and I hope to be able to show you some of it. But you must treat this house as your own, because in one way it is Adam’s house.” Becky raised her eyebrows in surprise. Alice continued, “Oh I know it actually belongs to me, I don’t mean that, but it is only because of Adam that I still have this house and ranch, and am alive to enjoy it.”

“What do you mean?” Becky asked, intrigued.

“Adam probably hasn’t told you the story of how we met.” Said Alice, guessing correctly that Adam would not have given Becky all the details.

“He said that he came here when he took a leave of absence from the Ponderosa.” Becky said, wondering if there was more to it.

“Leave of absence! Is that what he told you?” Said Alice, laughing, and Becky nodded. “Well I suppose you could call it that. Adam felt that his father had lost confidence in him, they argued, and he left. They sorted it out in the end, of course. No, he came here quite by accident, when Jed saw him in town and offered him a job. Adam had no idea that I knew his father, and I didn’t tell him until later. Jed knew a good hand when he saw one, and after Adam had been here just one day, Jed realised that Adam knew things that a man of his age had no right knowing if he was just a cowhand. Jed found out where he had come from and who he really was, and he asked Adam if he could set up a logging business for me, to help to bring in some more money. It was soon after my husband died, leaving me with a lot of debts, and there was a man who was trying to buy the ranch much too cheaply. Then one day this man, Williams, and his accomplice Jamieson, tried to take the ranch by force. Jamieson shot Adam, and threatened to let him bleed to death if I didn’t sign the ranch over to Williams. He and Adam fought and fell over a cliff. Williams died, but somehow Adam survived. He saved my life that day, and it very nearly cost him his own.”

Alice stopped, remembering, and Becky could see that the memory was painful for her. She moved to sit on the sofa beside Alice, and took her hand. Alice smiled, and held Becky’s hand between her own.

“It’s all right, my dear, everything worked out in the end. I sent for Ben, when Adam was so badly injured and I was afraid that he was going to die. They made up their differences, so perhaps it was for the best after all. As Adam recovered, he insisted on finishing what he had started and now we have a strong timber business, as well as the cattle. Adam kept an eye on it, before he went away, and now it runs very smoothly.”

Becky was silent for a minute, digesting the things that Alice had said. Adam had only told her that he had come to set up the timber business for Alice, but not any of the details. It sounded frightening, and she trembled as she thought that Adam could have been killed, and that he would not have been there to marry her and father her children.

Suddenly Becky felt the need for comfort and put her arms round Alice, who held her close, realising the emotion that she had stirred with her story. She rubbed her hand up and down Becky’s back.

“There, there, Becky, don’t fret. Adam’s fine, he’s a wonderful young man, you’re very lucky. But I suspect, from what he’s told me, that he is also very fortunate to have found you. I really shouldn’t have told you about it, I should have known how you would feel. But I am so grateful to him, and I wanted you to know what he did for me.”

“I know, it’s just the thought that if he had died, I would never have met him, never have known him. It could happen so easily. It doesn’t surprise me to hear what you say, it’s just like him. But it worries me that he might do it again. I know he would give his life to save mine, and I couldn’t bear to be without him.”

“Becky, look at me.” Alice instructed, and Becky pulled back and looked into Alice’s eyes.

“Becky, Adam knows what he’s got, and he will not lightly give that up. You’re right, he would give his life for yours, but he will not throw it away, he’s far too sensible to do that. But I know from his letters that he treasures you, and the children, so you mustn’t worry.” Alice stood and pulled Becky to her feet. “Now, why don’t we go and find that husband of yours, and Jed too, if you feel up to it?”

Becky nodded, she wanted to see Adam, to see him walking and talking and alive. They stood and went together out of the house, where they could see the two men down by the corral looking over some horses.

”They’re good friends, aren’t they.” Said Becky, looking at Alice.

“Yes. It started when Adam first came here, they recognised and respected the strength and ability in each other. They are really very much alike. Then after…what happened, they worked together, and formed a friendship that has survived despite not seeing too much of each other. You know, there is nothing that Jed would not do for Adam, and I suspect the reverse is true.”

“I’m glad.” Becky said quietly, and Alice looked at her, curious at her tone.

Becky returned the look. “Adam does not make friends easily. He tends to keep people at arm’s length because he has lost too many of those who were close to him. But he values the friends he has, and I know Jed is one of them.”

Alice smiled and put her arm through Becky’s. “Let’s go and stop them talking about us, shall we?” The two women walked across the yard, and as the men saw them approach they stopped speaking, proving the truth of Alice’s words.

“These are fine horses, Alice.” Adam observed, looking at the mares in the corral.

“Yes, Jed found them in the sales in Redding. They weren’t cheap, but worth the investment I think.”

“Indeed.” Said Adam admiringly. Then turning to Becky he said, “Perhaps you should think about breeding horses.”

“Let me get the hang of cattle first.” Becky smiled.

“I think you can say that you’ve done that.” Adam said proudly.

Suddenly Becky leant hard against her husband, who put his arm round her waist to support her.

“We’d better get you back into the house, I’m afraid the journey has taken more out of you than you will admit.”

“No really, I’m all right.” Becky protested.

“All right, hn? I don’t think so, now come on and don’t argue.” Adam turned her round, and walked slowly towards the house, supporting her in his arms. Alice directed him to take Becky up to the guest room, where, against her protests he helped Becky to get undressed and into bed.

“Now, you stay there until supper, and go to sleep.” Adam ordered.

Becky smiled at his fussing, and turned over and closed her eyes.
Chapter Three

When Adam was satisfied that Becky was sleeping, he came down to join Alice on the sofa in the parlour.

“She’s still not strong.” Adam explained to Alice who was looking concerned.

“So you said in your letter. I’m sure that all she needs is a complete rest, and she can get that here. Don’t worry, I will take care of her.” Alice put her hand on his knee, and Adam put his arm round Alice’s shoulder and kissed her lightly on the cheek.

“Alice, you’re too good to me, I don’t deserve it.”

“No, probably not, but I can’t help myself.” Alice looked up at him with compassion in her eyes. “I was sorry to hear about Becky not being able to have any more children, it must have upset her terribly.”

“It upset both of us at the time, but Josh and Elizabeth are both healthy children and we are thankful for them.”

“Tell me about them, what are they doing?” Alice asked, wanting to get Adam’s mind off their sorrow and onto a happier train of thought

Adam smiled. “Well, they’re a handful, Elizabeth has just started walking, and Josh is not far from it. I’m afraid that they will run Pa ragged.”

Alice laughed. “I remember other children doing that to him, and he survived.”

“Yes, but he’s not getting any younger.” Alice looked at Adam sharply, his tone telling her that he was worried about Ben.

“What is it, is he unwell?” She asked, concern for her dearest friend evident in her eyes.

“Oh no, nothing like that, but I do feel that he should be taking things a bit easier. He’s got me, and Hoss and Joe, to look after the ranch, but he still insists on doing a lot of the work himself. He should be thinking about retiring from the active running of the place, sit back and let us do it for him.”

“I can’t imagine your father ever doing that. I’m certain that you could do it for him, but he would feel useless if he let you. Adam can you imagine what it must be like to feel that your children no longer need you, that they can manage perfectly well without you. Think about it for a moment, how would you feel if Josh or Elizabeth didn’t need you any more.”

Adam sat deep in thought, trying to picture his children grown up and independent, and realised what Alice meant.

“But he has spent so much of his life looking after us, I just think that it is time that we looked after him instead.”

“Adam, for an intelligent man you can be very stupid sometimes.”

Adam frowned, taken aback at the implied insult.

“Your father is a strong, independent man. As you say, he has spent the best part of his life looking after you. Now you want to cast him aside and take over.” Adam started to protest, but Alice stopped him. “No, I know that is not what you intend, but that may be how Ben will interpret it. Try to see it from his point of view. He will feel useless, and worse, a nuisance to you, taking from you and giving nothing back.”

“But that’s ridiculous.”

“Is it? He has worked all his life to care for you, and suddenly the roles will be reversed, you will be taking care of him.”

“But isn’t that what’s supposed to happen, isn’t it time that we repaid some of that care, gave him back some of what he has given to us? Isn’t he entitled to a little leisure?” Adam argued.

“Yes he is. But you must be very careful if you suggest it to him. Think about what you will say to him, and how you will say it. I agree with you, he should be able to take it easy now, but he may not see it that way.”

“You’re right, of course. I hadn’t thought how he would look at it. I just want him to be able to enjoy his life, without the worry of running the ranch. I want him around for a long time, I don’t want him to work himself into an early grave, and he shouldn’t have to with three grown sons to look after him. I want him to be able to see his grandchildren grow up, perhaps even his great grandchildren.”

“I’m sure he will, but I’m just saying be careful.”

“Alice you’re so wise, thank you for the advice.” Adam hugged her and stood up. “I’m going to look in on Becky.”

“I’ll get supper started.”

“Can I help?” Adam asked, not liking the thought of Alice waiting on him and Becky.

“Yes, you can go to your wife.”

Adam smiled at her and went upstairs to the guest room, which he had always used when he stayed at the ranch. Now, seeing his wife lying in the large bed, Adam thought that the room seemed brighter, and the painful memory he had of that place retreated into the background. He sat on the side of the bed brushing stray hairs from Becky’s face. She stirred but did not wake, and as he lay down beside her, she turned towards him. Adam put his arm across Becky’s shoulder and she smiled in her sleep.

He closed his eyes and must have dozed off, for he was woken suddenly by Becky’s soft cries. He shook her shoulder gently to wake her up from her uneasy sleep.

“Becky, it’s all right, I’m here.” Adam said softly, not wanting to frighten her. Becky opened her eyes, and when she saw him lying beside her, she put her arms round his neck and pulled him to her in an embrace that threatened to strangle him.

“It’s OK, you were dreaming.” Adam stroked her hair, trying to calm the shivers that he felt run through her as she gripped him.

“Oh Adam, I was so afraid.” Becky loosened her hold but did but let go, she buried her face in his broad chest, as he put his arms round her.

“There’s no need, I’m here.” He said comfortingly.

“Please, just hold me.” They lay there for several minutes, neither speaking, until Becky moved and sat up.

“I’m sorry, I was having a nightmare, but it’s gone now.” She smiled at Adam to reassure him, and he sat up beside her, taking her hand in both of his.

“Alice is getting supper ready, do you want to come down?”

“Yes, you go ahead and I’ll be down in a minute.”

Adam nodded, recognising that Becky wanted a few minutes alone to regain her composure.

“I’ll be waiting.” He said as he left the room and went downstairs to find Alice laying the table. She was setting four places, and Alice saw his silent observation.

“Jed usually joins me for supper.” She explained, and Adam nodded his understanding.

Becky joined them as Jed came in from the yard, bringing with him the luggage, which had been delivered by the carrier. They sat and enjoyed supper together, comfortable in their companionship. The talk was of ranch life and of Adam’s travels, and the meal passed quickly. When it was finished, Becky insisted that she would clear away and wash up. Jed offered to help her, and she accepted gratefully, telling Alice and Adam to go and take their coffee out onto the veranda.

The pair went out and Becky’s eyes followed them, thinking what an unlikely closeness they had, the tall dark man, and the small grey hired old lady.

As they got outside, Alice sat on the swing seat and patted the cushion next to her. Adam sat down and Alice turned to him.

“Adam I want to ask your advice.” Adam raised his eyebrows in question, inviting her to continue.

“You know I have no living relatives?”

Adam nodded. “Yes.”

“Well I’m not getting any younger and one’s thoughts naturally turn to what will happen to this place when I go.”

Adam was about to object to her train of thought, but Alice put her hand on his knee, and continued.

“Don’t be silly, you know as well as I do that one cannot go on for ever. I had contemplated leaving the ranch to you.”

“That’s very generous but…”

“Yes, I know, you have your own place, and Becky and the children. You don’t need it, and it is a long way from your family. No, I thought that I couldn’t do better than to pass it on to Jed, what do you think?”

“I think that he would be overwhelmed.” Adam laughed.

“Yes, but would he accept?”

“Do you want me to speak to him about it?” Adam could see that Alice was concerned.

“If you would. I don’t want to embarrass him, but he has worked this ranch for so many years, and it is his home as well. I would like to think of him being able to carry on.”

“I’m sure he will accept, though he will think as I do, and hope that it will be many years before he will be able to take up his inheritance.” Adam smiled gently at her, suddenly swallowing hard to hold back his tears at the thought of her passing.

At that moment they heard Jed and Becky approaching, and changed the subject.

“Adam would you take a look at the trees. There is a section where they don’t seem to be flourishing as they should, and I’m worried that there may be something wrong with them. The needles seem to be yellowing as they appear and the lower branches are dropping. If there is something wrong we will be short of lumber for the mining contract next year.”

Adam stood as Becky and Jed sat down, and then seated himself again beside Alice.

“If you like I will take a look at them tomorrow.”

“Oh no, you will do no such thing, there’s no rush and if there is a problem, another couple of days will make no difference. Tomorrow you and Becky must take it easy, rest and enjoy yourselves around the house.” Alice did not want to take Adam away from Becky, because she knew that in her fragile state of health the young woman would fret if her husband were out of her sight.

“Very well, perhaps the day after. We could take a picnic up into the forest, make a day of it.” Adam suggested, and the ladies agreed readily.

They sat watching the sunset, and as the darkness settled around them, Adam could see that Becky was tiring and said it was time they went to bed. He took her arm and gently sent her in front of him into the house. As he said ‘goodnight’, Alice looked at him and nodded, telling him that he was doing the right thing, Becky would soon be well with the care he was giving her.

Adam was less certain. Every time Becky slept her dreams were troubled, and often she woke looking for the comfort of his arms.
Chapter Four

As Becky was preparing for their day’s outing, Alice asked her to go and fetch the picnic hamper. Then Alice drew Adam outside, she needed to speak to him alone before they left.

“Adam, I wanted to warn you that the route we must take with the buggy, to get to the part of the forest I want to show you, will take us past Carey’s Bluff.”

Alice saw Adam pale at the mention of the site where Williams had tried to force Alice to give him the ranch.

“We can go another way, but it is much longer.” Alice suggested.

“No…it’s all right. Thank you for the warning, but I don’t want Becky to be in the buggy longer than necessary.” Adam said, and Alice could see him steeling himself against the memory. Adam had not been near the place since he had been injured, he recognised that he had purposefully avoided the site, and whenever he needed to visit that part of the forest, he had found a different route. He knew now that that had been a mistake, he should have confronted his ghosts sooner.

Alice was afraid that it would stir up some difficult memories, but she was proud of him for putting Becky’s comfort before his own.

Becky came out of the house and loaded the picnic into the back of the buggy, and they set out towards the forest, Alice driving with Becky beside her, Adam riding alongside. They went slowly, enjoying the warm morning sunshine, Becky exclaiming in delight at the countryside around her. Lush meadows suddenly giving way to dark green forest dappled with golden pools of sunlight. As they travelled out of the valley and into the hills, she had views of the country spread out before her, and realised how like the Ponderosa was this place.

She felt a pang in her heart as she thought of home and her children, and felt guilty that she had deserted them. Alice saw the look and guessed how she must feel, so talked cheerfully to Adam about absolutely nothing, until she felt Becky’s hand on her arm.

“Thank you, I’m all right. Adam, this is so like home, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it’s one of the things I love about the place.” He smiled at her, wanting her to like it as much as he did.

“Alice, I feel very much at home, thanks to you.”

“Well I did tell you to treat it as your own, and I suppose the scenery helps.”

The three of them continued chatting as they travelled, until Becky became aware that Adam had fallen silent. She looked round at him and saw his face, almost expressionless, but with a hard look in his eyes. She frowned, worried at the sudden change and turned to Alice, questions ready on her lips, but Alice just shook her head.

“Don’t worry, my dear, just leave him.” Alice instructed quietly and drove on, gradually leaving Adam behind as he rode more slowly. Once he was out of earshot Alice explained.

“This is where Williams tried to take the ranch from me.” Alice glanced up at the steep slope which was strewn with small boulders, to the low cliff, and on towards the grass-fringed edge. “Adam fell from that cliff, that is how he was injured, he still remembers.” Becky put her hand to her throat as she looked at the drop. “This is the first time he has been near here since it happened. Let him work it out by himself, I’m sure that he will be all right, it may do him some good to be here with you, to give him different memories. He needs to see it again, to lay the memories to rest, once and for all.”

Becky nodded in understanding, Adam was facing his ghosts and putting them in their place at the back of his mind. As they drove on Adam rode up beside them and smiled reassuringly at Becky.

“Where are the trees you want me to look at?” He asked Alice.

“Just up ahead, we’re nearly there.” Alice said, and true to her word pulled up ten minutes later.

They unloaded the buggy, and Adam started a fire while Becky prepared to make some coffee.

“I’ll show you the trees.” Alice said and led Adam into the forest. He could see immediately that there was something wrong, dead branches were scattered around, and instead of a dark green, many of the needles were yellow or brown. He stretched up and snapped off some twigs, examining the needles.

“Let’s go back to Becky.” Said Adam, taking hold of Alice’s arm. They sat down and Becky poured them both a cup of coffee, while they waited for his verdict on the trees.

“Well?” Asked Alice impatiently.

“I think it’s a disease which we call ‘needle cast’, it’s caused by a fungus, lophodermium, you see these fruiting bodies, that’s the spores ready to spread when the rains come in the fall. The only solution is to cut down the affected trees and burn them, and burn all the undergrowth and cast needles as well.” He looked into Alice’s troubled eyes. “I’m sorry, Alice, that’s all I can offer. If you don’t do it, your whole forest could become infected. And I would suggest not planting here until you are certain that the nearby trees are clear of it.”

“But what am I going to do about the contract?” The question was rhetorical, but Adam knew he had to find an answer for her.

“Let me think for a minute.” Adam said, as he absentmindedly sipped his coffee.

“I don’t want to lose the contract, it will damage our reputation if we fail to deliver, and after you worked so hard to get this started.” Alice looked distraught at the prospect.

“Don’t worry, Adam will think of something.” Said Becky, and Alice smiled, admiring the confidence that Becky had in her husband.

They sat waiting for the result of Adam’s deliberations. The forest was quiet around them, only the wind sighing through the branches, and the occasional bird song to lift the silence. Eventually Adam spoke.

“You can sub-contract to the Ponderosa. We can fill the contract for you.” He suggested. “I know exactly where we can cut the trees you would need.”

“But that would mean cutting trees that you were preserving for your own contracts, wouldn’t it?” Alice asked. “I know how you and Ben ration the trees you cut, how will he feel about it?”

“Leave Pa to me. There are more important issues here. I won’t see your business damaged when I can help you.” Adam declared, but he was thinking that his father might take some persuading. He was adamant that they should not take too many trees from the forest, despite its size. And the contract Alice had told him about was a large and valuable one.

“Adam, how can I thank you?”

“Just pay Pa a fair price.” Adam laughed, and Alice was close to tears with relief.

“Now, how about some lunch, I’m starving.” Adam suggested.

Becky and Alice made sure that Adam had plenty to eat and drink. Alice out of gratitude, and Becky because she was so proud of her husband for helping Alice as he had.

They sat relaxing in the warm afternoon sun, and then slowly made their way back to the ranch. Again, they had to pass the cliff that brought difficult memories to Adam, but despite becoming quiet as he rode, he did not hesitate as they passed the site. He rode beside the buggy and gave Becky a thin smile to assure her that all was well.

Once back at the house Adam insisted that Becky go to their room and lie down for an hour or so. She protested that she was not tired, but Adam would not be dissuaded, and he promised Becky that he would come and check on her in a few minutes. Becky went upstairs and undressed, slipping between the sheets and laying her head on the pillows, waiting for him to appear.

True to his word, Adam came into the room quietly, but when he saw that she was not asleep, he came to sit on the bed beside her. Becky sat up, and then knelt behind him, encircling her arms round his shoulders until they rested on his chest, pressing her body against his. He put his hands over hers and drew a long breath and let it out slowly. He so wanted to take her in his arms and show her how much he loved her, but it had been a long time since he felt that he could ask that of her, and he was prepared to wait until she was ready for him.

He closed his eyes, dreaming of the feel of her soft skin and her gentle touch. He was marvelling at the way his imaginings seemed so real, when he became aware that in fact she had undone several of the buttons of his shirt, and was running her fingers lightly over the soft dark hair on his chest. He turned and saw her face, mouth slightly open, and her eyes deep pools of desire. She drew his face towards her and kissed him deeply. He pulled away slowly.

“Becky…?” He wanted to make sure that he was correctly interpreting her message.

“Now Adam, please.” She said softly.

“Are you sure?”

She didn’t speak, but pulled him down onto the bed beside her, and wrapped her arms round him, holding him close. He could feel the contours of her body mould with his, and a tremor went through him. They separated and she helped him out of his clothes, and then they lay close, relishing each other’s touch. Despite the time that had passed since they had lain like this, and despite his desire to take her quickly, Adam was gentle and didn’t rush her. He wanted to give Becky time to be sure she wanted this, but she didn’t hesitate, until they were lost in their desire for each other.
Chapter Five

Becky and Adam appeared downstairs, to find Alice and Jed were sitting in the parlour, talking quietly.

“Would you like a drink before supper?” Alice asked innocently, she recognised the look on his face.

“Yes, thank you.” Replied Adam, taking the offered glass from Alice, who also handed one to Becky.

“Alice tells me there’s a problem with the trees.” Said Jed.

“Yes, they’ll have to come down and be burnt.” Adam told him. “But I’m going to arrange to fill the contract from the Ponderosa.”

“I’ll start the men on it straight away.”

“I’ve got some books at home that I’ll send you when I get back, so that you will be able to recognise this sort of thing and take action to protect the forest.” Adam told him.

“Thanks. I suppose we should have thought that something like this could happen, but we’ve been lucky up to now. We’ll be more careful in future.”

They talked about the kind of things that could affect the trees until Alice served supper.

“I’m going to look at the herd tomorrow afternoon, would you care to join me?” Jed asked Adam, also inviting Becky to come and see the cattle. Adam agreed and Becky said that she would be interested to see them.

“I have a small herd, mostly good stock.” Becky told him.

“Mostly!” Exclaimed Adam. Becky’s cows had come from the Ponderosa and Adam knew that they were the best, he had selected them himself.

“Well you know how it is, there’s always one or two…” Becky laughed.

Jed was intrigued, he had never known a woman who knew cattle, and was interested to see what she would make of them.

They agreed to meet at the lower pasture the following day, and as they finished supper, Becky again cleared the dishes allowing Alice and Adam to go out onto the veranda, and enjoy some time together.

Alice had noticed that Adam seemed more relaxed than he had been when he first arrived, and correctly interpreted the reason for it.

“Adam, don’t push Becky too hard, don’t expect too much of her too soon.”

Adam raised his eyebrows, not understanding the point Alice was trying to make, and waited patiently for her to explain.

“I don’t mean to interfere, and you know that anything I say is with your best interests at heart.”

“Yes, I know, but I’m not sure…”

“I may be old, but I was young once you know. You look like the cat that got the cream.”

Suddenly Adam realised what Alice was getting at, and his anger flared. He took several deep breaths to calm himself, Alice was right, she only had his best interests at heart, but she was interfering where she had no right to be.

“I thought you knew me better than that. I would never do anything to hurt Becky in any way, you must know that.”

“Yes, I know, but a man sometimes has needs.”

“OK, hold it right there.” Commanded Adam, his anger beginning to get the better of him. He stood and paced the veranda in front of Alice, who watched him anxiously, realising that she had gone too far. “What I do, or do not do, with Becky is none of your affair, and I’ll ask you not to interfere in my relationship with my wife.”

Alice stood and held Adam’s arm, stopping his pacing, making him face her.

“I’m sorry. You’re right I have no business telling you what to do. But please believe me, it is only because I care for you, and for Becky. Please accept my apology.”

Adam looked down at Alice, and he could see the remorse in her eyes. His heart melted and he hugged her. Alice was like a mother to him, like the mother that he had never known.

“I know, I’m not cross. It’s just that you’re right a man has needs, and I’ve kept mine bottled up inside all the time that Becky has been ill. But this afternoon it was Becky who had the need.” He held Alice at arms length, looking at her and smiling. “I think that she may be getting better, being here away from the responsibilities of home, she’s relaxed.”

“I’m glad, for both of you. Don’t try to take her back home too soon though, or you will undo all that.”

“Don’t worry, we won’t leave until Becky’s ready, or until you have had enough of us.” Adam laughed, and sat down again on the seat, with Alice beside him.

Becky came out and announced that she was off to bed, and Adam excused himself, and with a wink at Alice, went with her.

Adam and Becky settled down in bed, wrapped in each other’s arms, and drifted off to sleep.

Adam dreamt that he was falling and woke with a start. His whole body hurt, from his head to his feet he felt mind-numbing pain that stopped his breath, but then it faded as he came fully awake. Becky felt him stir beside her and opened her eyes, sitting up in fright as she saw the sheen of sweat that covered his body.

“What is it, what’s wrong?” She asked, her voice trembling, thinking he was ill.

“Nothing, it’s all right, go back to sleep.” Adam assured her, but instead Becky got up and went to the washstand and got a bowl of water and a cloth.

“Is it memories of what happened?” Becky asked him, and Adam nodded.

She gently washed the sweat away, as Adam lay there letting her minister to him, seeing her concern. Adam felt as though his nightmare was being washed away as she worked, and when she had finished he cradled her in the crook of his arm, waiting for her to fall asleep. His passion had been aroused by her actions and he would gladly have taken her there and then, but Alice’s words were playing in the back of his mind. But Becky felt the same and she turned to him, and lifting herself up she kissed him until he responded and took her in his arms and gave her the comfort she was seeking.

Adam dozed fitfully, waking frequently with images in his mind that he didn’t want to recall. It was nearing dawn when he was startled awake by Becky’s cries

“No…please no…!” Becky sobbed.

Adam shook her gently. “Becky wake up.”

“No…don’t…no!”

Adam shook her again, and she stopped crying and slowly opened her eyes. She looked up into his face and suddenly put her arms round him and hugged him close. Adam could feel her tears against his skin, and put his hand under her chin and lifted her face until she was looking at him.

“What is it? What’s troubling you?”

“Nothing.” Becky lied, but Adam saw through her poor deception.

“So, nothing’s making you have nightmares. Becky, it’s only since we came here that you haven’t slept peacefully. What is it?”

Becky sat up and wiped her eyes. She looked at Adam’s troubled face and knew that she had to tell him, to stop him from worrying about her.

“Ever since Alice told me what you did for her I have dreamt that I might lose you in the same way. The dreams are different, but always the same ending, you save my life only to lose your own.” Becky looked deep into his eyes. “Adam, promise me that you will never do that, give your life for mine.”

Adam shook his head, “I can’t do that, I can’t make that promise and be sure to keep it. But I will promise you that I won’t do anything that would put me in the way of harm, if I can get out of it by turning away. That’s as much as you can ask of me.”

“I know. I’m sorry”

“Don’t be sorry for wanting to protect me, for loving me as you do.” Adam bent and kissed her lightly, but it turned into passion as they held each other, and as they had in the night, they gave their love to one another, freely and unequivocally.
Chapter Six

When they came down for breakfast, Alice could see that beneath the smiles they were both looking tired.

“Alice, I’m going to find Jed. I won’t be a minute.” And he disappeared to go in search of his friend.

He found Jed in the barn, preparing to set out to look over the herd.

“Jed.” Adam called, and Jed turned to greet him.

“You ready?” He asked.

“Do you mind if I give it a miss today. Neither Becky nor I slept very well, and I’d like to keep an eye on her today. I don’t want her riding all over the ranch, I think it would be better if we stayed here.”

“Is she all right?” Jed asked. He had been looking forward to having Adam beside him again, but supposed that his wife needed him more.

“Yes, it’s just that being here, and knowing what happened, has worried her. And I can’t say it’s been easy on me either, seeing the place again.”

Jed nodded his understanding. “If there’s anything I can do, you know I will.”

Adam put his hand on Jed’s shoulder. “Yes, I know. And thank you.” Jed watched as Adam left, a small frown furrowing his brow.

Adam returned to the house to find Becky and Alice at the table laughing together.

“I told Jed that we would stay right here today, we’ll take a look at the herd another time.”

Becky smiled her thanks, and Alice looked relieved, she had been worried that her charges were not getting any benefit from their stay with her.

Adam and Becky went for a walk in the morning, and returned in time for lunch, then Adam insisted that Becky again go to bed for a while. Becky went reluctantly, and Adam said that he would stay with her while she slept. He laid on the bedcovers beside her and dozed off himself, until again he had the dream of falling, and the pain that went with it.

When he opened his eyes he was breathing heavily, and he rose and went to stand by the window looking down into the yard.

“This is ridiculous.” He thought to himself, every time he closed his eyes it was the same. “I have to do something to get the images out of my head. But what?” He didn’t like not being in control of his mind, it unsettled him.

He sat in the chair opposite the bed watching his wife sleep, thinking that she too had her dreams. Perhaps he should take her away from here, it didn’t seem to be doing either of them much good. But then he realised that Becky’s dreams would not vanish with a change of scene, and his own were best faced right here. And they had Alice here to help them.

Becky stirred and opened her eyes and had a moment of panic as she could not see Adam, then he was beside her.

“It’s all right, I’m here.” He reassured her and she sat up and stretched.

“Did you sleep?” Becky asked.

“A little.” Adam confirmed.

“But…?” She knew he was hiding something, she could read her husband like a book.

Adam smiled. “But. You’re right, it wasn’t exactly peaceful.”

Becky got out of bed and dressed and they went down into the parlour, where Alice was sitting reading.

“Did you have a good sleep?” She asked.

“Yes.” They both lied.

“I’ll make some tea.” Said Alice and went to the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with tea and cakes. She poured them each a cup then sat back on the sofa.

“So, what’s wrong?” Alice asked, coming straight to the point.

As Adam and Becky both started to say that they didn’t know what she meant, she stopped them.

“Please, both of you, don’t treat me as though I go around with my eyes closed. I can see that neither of you are sleeping well. Why?” Alice thought that she knew the reasons, but wanted the pair to admit their problems to themselves.

Adam and Becky looked at each other, and then Becky spoke.

“I am afraid that Adam is going to do something that will take him away from me, because of what happened to you.”

“I see, and what about you?” Alice said, turning to Adam.

“I keep reliving that day. I thought that I had forgotten about it, or at least put it at the back of my mind, but seeing the place brought it all back.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

Adam looked down at the cup in his hand. “I don’t know.” He said softly.

“Well I do. Tomorrow, Adam, you and I are going to Carey’s bluff for a picnic, and Becky will come too.” Her tone said that she would stand no argument.

Adam looked less than happy at the prospect, but Becky agreed that it was a good idea.

So it was that the following day the three of them again set out with a picnic, Alice driving the buggy with Becky beside her, and Adam riding alongside.

They went silently, only occasionally exchanging comments about were they were going, until they went up the trail that would take them to the top of the bluff.

Adam dismounted and went to stand at the edge of the cliff, looking down. The drop seemed greater than he remembered, and he shook his head, amazed that he had survived the fall and his uncontrolled tumble through the scattered rocks. Williams had not been so lucky.

Alice unloaded the picnic and spread the blue chequered cloth on the ground. Adam turned and watched her, thinking that everywhere he looked there were reminders of that fateful day.

“Come and have some lunch.” Ordered Alice, pouring each of them a glass of wine and they sat and ate, Alice cheerfully, Becky quietly and Adam reluctantly, he was unconsciously waiting for the gunshot and the pain that accompanied it. When they had finished eating, Alice addressed Adam.

“Look around you Adam, this is a beautiful place, the forest behind you and the view before you. It is people who make places unpleasant, and the people who hurt you are long gone, dead, and should be forgotten. Look at you, with your wife here with you, and me, alive. You can’t change what happened, but you won, they didn’t defeat you, you got everything that you fought them for. You got your future and mine, Williams and Jamieson didn’t. If they were still alive they would be the ones having the nightmares.”

Adam stood, taking his glass of wine with him as he again went to stand looking down, thinking about what Alice had said. Of course she was right, a place couldn’t harm you, though these rocks had done a damned good job! But it was people who caused the ills of this world. He took a deep breath, trying to clear his mind of images. He looked out over the view, which reminded him so much of his home, and nodded to himself. Williams died here, and Jamieson lost a gunfight in the saloon, they were dead, he and Alice were alive. Those men had failed to take the ranch; they were part of his past and were best forgotten.

He turned back to look at Alice and Becky, who were staring at him with worried faces. He smiled at them.

“You’re right. They’re gone, and so should the memories be, gone and forgotten.” He went to Alice and drew her to her feet. He kissed her cheek lightly. “Thank you.”

Alice turned to Becky. “And you my dear, must accept who you have married. You love Adam for the man he is, he cannot change, because if he did he would not be that man any longer. It is no good worrying about what he might do, you only know what he has done in the past, and I can assure you that he would do the same thing again, given the circumstances.”

Becky looked sad, that was the problem, he would do it again with who knew what results.

“I have promised Becky that I will not put myself in the way of danger, if I can avoid it.” Adam told Alice.

“That’s all well and good, but how do you know how you will react on the spur of the moment?”

“I don’t know, but I can try.” He said, determined that he would keep that promise.

“Adam, you are the man you are, and I trust you always will be.” Alice turned to Becky. “My dear, I suspect that it is only your illness that has made you worry so. When you feel well again I’m sure that you will see what I mean. Adam has told me what a strong woman you are; that is one of the many things that he loves about you. You would not have married him if he didn’t match that strength, if he was the kind to run away from trouble.”

Becky looked at Adam, seeing him standing there tall and strong, her rock. She went to stand beside him, slipping her arm round his waist, and Adam put a comforting arm round her.

“No I don’t want him to change, you’re right, but I do want him safe.”

“Becky, you must realise by now that this world is not a particularly safe place, there will always be dangers, and Adam will protect you from those dangers.”

“I know. And you’re right I wouldn’t want him any other way.” Becky smiled up at Adam and he kissed the top of her head.

“Well, I’m going for a walk.” Said Alice. As Adam and Becky moved to join her, she put up her hand. “No, you stay here.” Alice walked away into the forest and was lost from sight. Adam and Becky stood staring after her, and then sat down at the edge of the cliff.

“She really is a remarkable woman, isn’t she?” Becky said.

“I’ve always thought so.” Adam agreed.

“Do you think you will forget?” Becky asked him.

“No. But I will learn to live with it. Alice is right, life goes on and I have everything I could want, I should look forward, not back. How about you?”

“At the moment nothing has changed. I will still worry about you, but she’s right, I don’t want you to change.”

Adam put his arm round Becky’s shoulders, and they sat in silence looking at the country below them, contemplating Alice’s words.

They sat for a long time, until they were startled by Alice behind them.

“I think it’s time we were heading back.” Alice said, and they packed up and headed back to the ranch, chatting happily as they went.

Adam and Becky went to bed that night, and for the first time since they arrived, they both slept peacefully.

When they woke in the morning they lay together talking quietly about the previous day.

“I have only one complaint about Alice’s advice.” Said Adam.

“Oh, what’s that?” Becky asked wondering why Adam should be dissatisfied.

“I rather enjoyed consoling you.” He turned to her and smiled.

“Why you…” Becky laughed, and pushed Adam so hard he tumbled out of bed, landing in an undignified heap on the floor.

“Hey! Be careful, I may be in no fit state to console you ever again.” He laughed, sitting up and rubbing his back.

“Just for that you can bring me breakfast in bed.” Becky ordered, so Adam got dressed and did as he was told.

He found Alice working in the kitchen, and sat her down while he made her a cup of tea, and then he cooked Becky’s breakfast.

“Is Becky all right?” Alice was concerned when she saw Adam preparing a breakfast tray.

“Yes, she’s fine, so am I.” He turned to face Alice. “Thank you, for the right words at the right time.”

“You must know that anything I can do for you, I will.”

“Don’t you think it’s time that you forgot what happened?” Adam sat down at the kitchen table, opposite her. Alice looked at him questioningly.

“Alice, all these years you have been trying to show me how grateful you are, there’s no need.”

Alice reached out and took his hand. “You are wrong, there is a need, but that is not why I do it. Haven’t you realised yet?”

“What?” Adam asked puzzled.

“When you first came here, I told you that one of the reasons I didn’t tell you I knew who you were was because I didn’t want you to leave, I wanted to share Ben’s son for a little while, do you remember?”

“Yes.”

“Well I have shared you ever since. You are the son I might have had, if my boys hadn’t died. I hope it doesn’t upset you, but I look on you as my own. I feel about you as I would my own kin, that’s why I will always look after you, be there for you if you need me. Even, dare I say it, be the mother you never knew.” Alice looked into Adam’s dark eyes, trying to read his reaction to her words.

Adam smiled, and swallowed the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat.

He spoke quietly. “You don’t upset me, quite the opposite. Do you remember the night when you treated my wounds after the fight with Toller?” Alice nodded, she remembered the fight Adam had had with one of the other hands, when he came into her house battered and bleeding. “Well ever since then I have known that I feel about you as I would a mother.”

Alice stared at him, she hadn’t known that he felt that way. Adam stood and came round the table and knelt in front of her. Sitting back on his heels, he held her hands in his.

“Alice, if I can’t have my own mother, then I couldn’t ask for more than to have you as my mother. I am proud that you think of me as your son.” He raised himself up and hugged her warmly, and as he let her go, he could see tears in her eyes. Then she smiled and pushed him away.

“Right son, take your wife her breakfast.”

“Yes Ma, on my way.” He said happily, putting the breakfast on the tray and taking it upstairs.

While Becky was enjoying her breakfast, Adam went looking for Jed. He had told Alice that he would speak to him and had not had the opportunity to do so until now.

Jed was out with the herd, selecting several head that they were going to sell to a neighbouring rancher as breeding stock. Adam knew that it was a compliment to Jed’s ability that the neighbour considered the stock good enough to want them to improve his own herd.

Jed noticed Adam approaching and rode over to meet him.

“Hi there. What brings you way out here?” He asked pulling up beside Adam and wondering what had dragged him away from his wife.

“I wanted to talk to you about something.” Adam said, studying his friend.

“Oh?”

“Yes. Alice was talking to me the other night about what she was going to do with the ranch when she…dies.” Adam hesitated over the word, he still couldn’t think about it without emotion rising inside him.

“And she wants to leave it to you. Well that’s fine by me, just so long as you keep me on.” Jed laughed.

“No, Jed, that’s not what she wants.” Adam said seriously. “She wants you to have it.”

Jed sat in stunned silence for a moment, looking at Adam.

“And how do you feel about that?” Jed asked him.

“I think it’s a great idea. Jed you’ve worked to build this ranch into what it is, you deserve it.”

“But you’re the closest thing Alice has to a relative, it should come to you.”

“Alice thought about passing it on to me, but she knows that I don’t need it. Becky and I have our own place, and then there’s the Ponderosa.” Adam explained.

“So I’m the next best thing.” Jed said a little bitterly.

“Jed, please understand. Alice didn’t even offer it to me, she knew it would be better for you to have it.”

“Better, or just because there’s no one else?”

“For Heavens sake!” Adam exclaimed, exasperated, “Alice could just sell up and retire, but she wants this place to carry on, and you’re the best person to do that.”

“Why? Because you wouldn’t spend enough time here, or perhaps it’s not good enough for you?” Jed looked hard at Adam, and then kicked his horse and rode back to the herd, leaving Adam shaking his head. He hadn’t handled that well, and he knew it. Perhaps when Jed had had a chance to think about it, he would see that Alice only had his best interests at heart.

Adam rode slowly back to the house and went in search of Alice. He found her in the barn, grooming her horse. Alice looked up as he entered, and seeing the miserable expression on his face came over to him.

“What is it, what’s wrong?” She asked, concerned.

“I had a word with Jed, about you leaving the ranch to him. I’m afraid that he thinks you are giving it to him just because I don’t want it.”

“Oh no.” She said sadly.

“Yes. I’m sorry. Perhaps when he has had a chance to think about it he’ll agree it’s for the best.”

“Would it be any use talking to him again?” Alice suggested.

“I don’t think it would do any good for me to speak to him. I’m afraid that he won’t speak to me for quite a while.” Adam looked down, shaking his head.

Alice put her hand on Adam’s arm, seeing how unhappy he looked.

“Don’t worry, it’ll be all right.”

“I hope so.” Adam was worried that his friendship with Jed had not survived the long separation.

Chapter Seven

Four weeks later, Adam and Becky were making plans to return home. Becky was well again and anxious to get back to her children. As her strength had returned the nightmares had stopped, and they had both been able to rest and enjoy their stay.

Before they left, Becky and Adam rode out with Jed to look at the herd in the lower pasture. Becky knew of the rift that had opened between the two men, but chatted cheerfully to them both, hoping to bring them back together.

This was the first time that Becky had seen the cattle. Because of her nightmares, and Alice’s conviction that her weakness was the cause of them, Adam had not let her do anything that would make her tired, including riding round the ranch. But now she felt so much better, and he had relented.

The day was overcast, low clouds threatening rain, but the wind was warm and it looked as though the rain would hold off until after dark.

Adam was glad to see that Becky had some colour in her cheeks, and her energy had returned. She turned to smile at him as they rode, enjoying her newfound health. They pulled up as they approached the cattle grazing peacefully in front of them.

Becky saw they were similar to her own cattle, sturdy and well covered.

“Jed they look good.” Becky remarked. “What sort of production do you get?”

“From this herd, about seventy per cent.”

Becky was impressed, she only got a sixty per cent increase, though she knew the Ponderosa did better. Young calves were prone to all kinds of sickness, and then there were the cows that didn’t produce calves.

They started to ride round the herd, picking out individual animals for comment, but in general they were good stock.

“How many can you graze on the ranch?” Becky wanted to know.

“We could have as many as a thousand, but it wouldn’t be economical, what with the extra hands we would need, so we keep it to between six and eight hundred.” Becky laughed, thinking of her small herd.

“What’s so funny?” Jed asked her.

“I have forty cows now, I can’t imagine a thousand on the ranch.”

Adam rode on ahead, leaving them talking together. He had tried to talk to Jed about Alice’s intentions, but apart from occasional, unplanned meetings, Jed had avoided him since their conversation, no longer joining them for supper, and even Alice was becoming concerned. Adam looked anxiously at the sky, the clouds seemed to be getting lower, and the threat of rain was closer. He was turning back to tell the others that he thought it was time they were getting back, when he heard a shattering sound, as a bolt of lightening hit a nearby tree, splitting it from top to bottom, the brilliant flash of energy blinding them all.

Adam’s horse was the furthest from the strike, and reared and pranced nervously, but stayed under control. Adam saw Becky fall from her horse, but she rose almost immediately still holding the reins, and waved at him to indicate that she was not hurt. However, Jed’s horse, which had been the closest to the strike, was bucking and twisting, screaming in fright. Suddenly Jed was thrown from the saddle but his foot was caught in the stirrup, and as the horse realised its rider had gone, it took off at a gallop, dragging Jed with it. Adam chased after it, pushing his mount as fast as it would go. He took a line that would intercept the fleeing animal, and as he drew alongside, he reached down to grab the reins, which were flailing between the horse’s front legs.

He managed to get hold of them and started to slow the horse, but suddenly it turned away from him as his own mount, frightened by the cries of the animal next to it, turned in the opposite direction. Adam was pulled from the saddle and hit the ground, letting out a cry as he felt a searing pain in his arm and shoulder. He lay there, twisting the reins of the terrified horse round his hand so that they should not be pulled from his grip. The horse had stopped moving but still jerked its head up and down, and pranced nervously. Suddenly it reared, dragging Adam with it, and as its hooves came down one missed him by inches, but the other caught him on the side of the head, and he lay still.

Becky remounted, and galloped up to the scene, her heart in her mouth. Jed’s horse stood still, breathing heavily through its nostrils. The horse was nervous and tossed its head. Each time its head went up it took Adam’s hand with it, so it looked to Becky, as she approached, as though he was trying to control it, and she breathed a sigh of relief. But as she got closer, she saw that Adam was oblivious to the movement. His eyes were closed, and the side of his head was covered in blood.

Jed got to his feet uncertainly, leaning against the horse’s flanks, shaking his head to clear it, then he saw Adam and knelt beside him, seeing the blood flowing from a deep gash on the side of his head. Jed loosed the reins from Adam’s bloody hand, and pushed the horse away as Becky pulled up beside them and threw herself down beside her unconscious husband.

“Adam!” She screamed, and looked with terrified eyes at Jed. “Is he…?”

“No, he’s alive, but I don’t want to move him. Becky, give me your scarf and go back to the ranch, get a buckboard, hurry.”

Becky handed Jed the scarf then hesitated, and Jed took hold of her shoulders.

“Becky. Go, quickly.” Jed ordered, and Becky took a deep breath and was on her horse and gone.

Jed could see the bone of Adam’s skull under the flap of skin that had been torn away by the sharp, metal clad hoof. He tried to force together the edges of the wound, and bound Becky’s scarf tightly round Adam’s head. Then he wrapped his neckerchief round Adam’s hand where the reins had cut deep into it. Then all he could do was wait.

Jed sat and looked down at the man he had called friend. He thought back over what Adam had said about Alice wanting to leave him the ranch, and how he had reacted when Adam told him. He now felt ashamed to have treated Adam so badly. Adam had chased after the horse with no thought to his own safety, to rescue a man who wouldn’t talk to him because his feelings were hurt. Jed cursed himself, and promised that if only God would let Adam survive he would put things right between them.

Lightning flashed across the sky and thunder shook the ground. Large drops of rain were beginning to fall as Jed heard the sound of horses approaching. Becky came back with Mark and Sam, who she had found in the yard, and together they lifted Adam into the back of the buckboard and covered him with a tarpaulin.

Alice looked out into the yard as the buckboard approached. She knew nothing of what had happened, Becky had not wasted time looking for her in her rush to get help.

“Dear God, no!” She exclaimed as she saw who it was that was in the back of the buckboard, her mind going back to that other time when Adam had been injured and brought home unconscious. She followed them as they carried him up to the guest room.

They laid Adam on the bed, and Alice told Sam to ride for the doctor. Alice took off the wrapping from round his head and started to bathe the wound. Each time she wiped the blood away more would well to take its place. She pressed a pad of cloth against the side of Adam’s head, and instructed Becky to hold it there, while she went downstairs for fresh lint and bandages.

When she returned Becky was talking softly to Adam, but she was getting no reaction from him. Alice placed the lint on the wound and wrapped the bandage round his head, and then did the same for his hand, cleaning it and replacing the neckerchief with a fresh bandage. Alice felt along his limbs to see if there was more damage. Adam moaned as she moved the bones of his left arm, and as she felt further she thought that his shoulder was also broken, but she found nothing else.

Becky let a tear escape from her eye as she looked at her husband, and Alice reached out to take her hand.

Becky turned to Alice. “He promised me he wouldn’t do it.”

The pain in Becky’s eyes tore at Alice’s heart.

“Becky, it’s like I said, he is what he is. When I went downstairs Jed told me what happened. Adam saw that Jed was in danger and did the only thing he could, he went after him. If he hadn’t Jed could have been killed, Adam couldn’t stand by and let that happen, you wouldn’t expect him to.”

“No, I know, but it frightens me that he will do something like that with no thought.”

“He did think about it, you can be sure of that, he thought that his friend could be killed, and knew he could do something to stop it. He did the only thing a man like him could do, he saved his friend.”

“Oh Alice, I know and I don’t blame him, I admire him for doing it, but it doesn’t make it any easier, seeing him lying here like this.”

They sat in silence, watching over the man they both loved, until the doctor arrived and sent them out of the room. They went downstairs, where they found Jed lying on the sofa. He looked battered and bruised, but otherwise unhurt. Mark had helped him to get cleaned up, and now he was resting, thinking how lucky he was to have got off so lightly.

“How’s Adam?” Jed asked anxiously.

“We don’t know yet.” Becky said, not trusting herself to say more, she was fighting back the tears, knowing that she was going to have to be strong.

“Becky, I’m sorry.”

Becky looked at him, seeing that he was upset about what had happened.

“Don’t be sorry, it wasn’t your fault.”

“But Adam…”

“Did the only thing he could.” Said Becky, patting Jed’s arm to show him that she understood and didn’t blame him for what had happened. Alice smiled quietly, watching her, knowing that Becky had accepted the truth of the situation.
Chapter Eight

Becky was sitting with Adam, watching over him, praying for him to wake up. The doctor had confirmed that Adam had broken his arm and collarbone, and he had splinted the arm and then bound it across Adam’s chest to immobilise his shoulder. The doctor stitched the wound in Adam’s head, assuring Becky that there was no fracture, and also the deep gash on his hand. Then he left, saying that he would return the following day to check on his patient’s progress.

Alice came into the room quietly, and told Becky to go downstairs, where she had set supper on the table. Becky went reluctantly, leaving Alice sitting in the chair beside the bed.

Becky ate sparingly of her food and was soon back in the guest room, insisting that she wanted to be with Adam when he woke. Alice could see her need and, after covering Becky with a rug, left her to her vigil.

As Adam forced himself back to consciousness, he was only capable of registering the all-encompassing pain in his head. That pain took over his awareness to the extent that he could not feel the rest of his body, the agony drowning out all other feeling. Then the pain seemed to spread down through his neck into his shoulder and arm. It was too much, he couldn’t cope with it, he wanted to scream, to make it go away and leave him, and he screamed in his mind. Through the torment, he remembered what had caused his misery. Williams. He cried out for Alice, he had to save her, but he could not move, and he screamed in frustration.

Becky sat forward as she heard him moan.

“Adam, can you hear me?” She looked at his face, willing him to open his eyes.

Adam heard a voice, a woman. Alice? No, it wasn’t Alice. He fought to open his eyes. It seemed to take him a long time, but eventually he had them open enough to look through his dark lashes at the figure seated beside him. He groaned, it wasn’t Alice, had Williams killed her? Had all this been for nothing? He screamed again.

Becky saw Adam’s eyes open a fraction, and heard another moan escape him as he looked at her.

“Adam, my darling, it’s all right, I’m here.”

No, it wasn’t all right, where was Alice? He tried to move his head to look for her, and the movement made him nauseous. Sweat broke out all over his body and he convulsed as the spasms hit him. He instinctively leant over the side of the bed, where Becky hurriedly placed a bowl ready, and vomited. He felt as though a spear had been driven through his head as the spasms continued. He screamed aloud this time, frightening Becky as she witnessed his torment. Finally, the sickness passed and he lay unconscious over the side of the bed.

With some difficulty, Becky lifted him back onto the bed trying to make him comfortable.

Hours later he woke again, and again sickness overtook him, and he retched dryly, until it passed, then lay panting. He tried to lift his head, but as he did so the shattering pain he felt robbed him of his senses, and he fell into a deep well of blackness that took away the agony.

“Adam?” Becky whispered, but saw that he was unconscious, and she settled him back on the bed again, then sat back in the chair, and waited.

Dawn gave way to daylight, and Alice brought breakfast for them both. Then she took the tray back to the kitchen, and returned to keep Becky company.

It was late morning when Adam opened his eyes, and saw Alice seated beside him. He moaned in relief as he saw her.

“Adam. Can you hear me?” Alice leant towards him.

“Williams, did he…?” Adam breathed his question.

“Williams? Oh no.” Alice realised that Adam was taken back to that other time by his injuries. “Williams has gone, so has Jamieson.”

“Thank God.” Adam closed his eyes and slept.

Becky came to Alice’s shoulder. “What did he say?” She wanted to know.

“He thinks that it is ten tears ago, he probably feels a bit like he did then.” Alice turned to Becky. “Don’t worry, he’ll realise when he wakes up properly.”

“You don’t suppose…?” Becky was frightened that Adam might have gone back permanently.

“Wait and see.” Alice patted Becky’s hand.

They sat again and waited, giving each other strength.

Adam felt the pain again; he was fully awake now and couldn’t escape it. He explored his body with his mind, trying to estimate the damage. There was pain in his head and shoulder, and in his arm. He nervously tried moving, remembering the shattering pain of breaking bone in his left leg, which was the first thing to go as he fell among the rocks, but both his legs moved painlessly. His other aches retreated for a moment, as he considered this miracle, and then his logical mind decided that he must have been unconscious for so long that it had started to heal. Then why did his head hurt? He gave up trying to reason it out, it was too much effort.

He opened his eyes and saw Alice, and breathed a sigh of relief to see her living form sitting beside him.

“Alice.” He whispered.

“I’m here, don’t fret, everything’s going to be all right.”

Adam swallowed hard. His head hurt so much that he couldn’t think. He was about to ask about Williams, when he noticed another woman behind Alice. He knew he should know who she was, but as he tried to concentrate a blinding pain shot through his head, but a single word came into his mind.

“Becky.”

Becky leant over him. “Yes, it’s me.” Tears started in her eyes, hearing Adam say her name. “Oh yes, my love, it’s me.”

Becky turned to Alice smiling broadly as tears streamed down her face. The two women embraced, and then turned back to Adam, who had his eyes open, looking at them.

“Adam, don’t try to talk, just get better, please.” Becky begged him and he was happy to comply. He shut his eyes and let the peace of unconsciousness settle over him.

The doctor came and went, pronouncing himself satisfied at his patient’s progress.

Later that night Adam was awake and talking.

“Becky, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…I promised I wouldn’t.” He spoke quietly, his voice reverberated in his head, and every sound was magnified a hundred fold.

“Adam, I understand. You couldn’t help yourself, I know.” Becky was holding his bandaged hand and stroking his fingers, the movement doing more to sooth her than Adam.

“How’s Jed?” Adam tried to turn his head to look at Becky, but the pain stopped him.

“Shaken, bruised, but otherwise fine. He wants to see you.”

“Later.” Adam said and closed his eyes. He couldn’t cope with a confrontation just now.

“He feels very badly about how he’s treated you.”

“Good.” Adam smiled, and slept.
Chapter Nine

“Adam, I’m sorry. Please forgive me, I don’t know what came over me.” Jed was looking down at his feet, he couldn’t meet Adam’s eyes. “No that’s not true, I do know and I’m ashamed of it.” At last Jed looked up, and saw Adam looking at him, waiting for him to continue.

Jed drew a deep breath. “I was jealous, I suppose.” Adam raised his eyebrows, surprised at Jed’s admission.

“Jealous?” Adam said quietly.

“Yes. Jealous of Becky for occupying your time, and jealous of how Alice sees you. She loves you. Did you know that?”

“She told me.” Adam said briefly. His head hurt and he couldn’t put more than two or three words together. Jed stood and started to pace back and forth at the foot of the bed. Adam followed him with his eyes.

“Yeah, well, I suppose that I wanted her to feel like that about me. She’s a wonderful woman, and has been very good to me, but she will never look on me in the same way she sees you. I know that, but it still hurts to see her with you. I guess I thought that with you being away for so long things might have changed.”

Adam knew that he wanted to say something, to ease the pain that his friend felt in his heart.

“She does love you.” Adam paused, trying to find the strength that would let him comfort Jed. “She knows what you have given her.”

“I work for her.” Jed said simply.

“No, she knows…more than that. Given her your life…your devotion. She wants you to have the ranch.” Adam didn’t think that he could keep up the conversation much longer, but he had to try to make Jed see reason.

“Yes, I know, I’ve spoken to her about it and realise now that’s it’s not simply because you don’t want it. Adam I’m sorry, I’ve been stupid, can you forgive me?”

Adam could answer that question with no effort. “Yes.”

Jed came back to sit by the bed. “Thank you. Now you must rest, you’ve talked long enough.”

Adam closed his eyes gratefully, and slipped into a fitful sleep.

On his way downstairs, Jed met Becky coming up to check on Adam. She looked at him hopefully.

“It’s all right, Becky, we’ve talked and it’s going to be OK. Alice told me about her decision to leave me the ranch, and the reason for it. I apologised to Adam, and I think he forgave me. I want to say sorry to you as well.” Jed put his hand on Becky’s arm. “I hope the two of you will still come and visit us as often as you can.”

Becky put her hand over Jed’s.

“I’m glad you sorted it out. Adam was very upset to think that you had fallen out. And of course we will come back. Now I must go and see if he’s all right.”

When Becky entered she saw that Adam was sleeping, but he seemed restless. She put her hand to his forehead and frowned as she felt a warmth that shouldn’t be there. Over the next two hours she felt his head several times, and was alarmed to note that his temperature was rising. She hurried downstairs to find Alice.

“What is, my dear, what’s wrong?” Asked Alice.

“I think Adam’s got a fever.” Said Becky, breathless with running down the stairs, and with fear.

“Do you want me to came and see?” Alice offered, and Becky just nodded. They went up to the guest room, and Alice put her hand on Adam’s forehead, and frowned.

“I’m afraid you’re right, my dear. I’ll sent one of the men for the doctor.” Alice left Becky once again sitting beside the bed, and went in search of a messenger.

When Doctor Nicholls came, he examined Adam, and took Alice and Becky to one side.

“He has an infection in that head wound, not surprising considering what it was that caused it. I’ve cleaned it again, as best I can, but it is just a matter of waiting. I won’t beat around the bush, it could go either way, but he seems a strong man, I hope that he may be able to overcome it. You must try to keep his temperature under control, use ice packs and cold compresses, and pray.”

“Thank you doctor, we’ll do everything you say.” Alice said,

“I’ll come back this evening to see how he is.” Nicholls assured her, taking his leave.

Alice and Becky fought to keep Adam’s temperature down, but despite their efforts, it rose alarmingly. The doctor returned as he had promised, and after giving Adam some medication and checking the injury, he told the women that they should continue with what they were doing.

Adam struggled against the fever for three days. Sometimes it would recede, and Adam would lie, quietly sleeping. But then it would rise until it took control of him, and he tossed and turned so violently that Alice was concerned that he was going to hurt himself. He was delirious most of the time, not knowing where he was, or who was with him.

At one stage Adam had been raving that he had to save Alice, and had tried to get up. Alice had called Jed to help, and he tried to keep Adam still, but the delirium gave Adam the strength of two men and finally Jed had used a rope to tie him down on the bed. Eventually, Adam stopped raving and lay quiet, his exhausted body unable to initiate movement.

Early on the morning of the fourth day, Alice was sitting with him, watching him. Adam was quieter, and his temperature had stayed down for several hours. Alice sat back in the chair and rested her head against the back of it. Without realising it, she fell asleep.

When Becky came in, an hour later, he heart leapt into her throat as she saw Adam looking at her. He raised his finger to his lips to indicate to her to be quiet. Becky saw Alice asleep, and crept to the bedside.

“How do you feel?” She whispered, wiping away the sheen of sweat on his face.

”Tired.” Adam said, just as quietly. “How long…?”

“Four days.” Becky told him, taking his hand. Adam closed his eyes, he was more tired than he could ever remember, and seemed to have no strength.

“How are you?” Adam was concerned for Becky. He was supposed to be looking after her, not the other way round.

“I’m fine, don’t worry about anything, just rest.”

Adam closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. Becky sat with him, saying silent, heartfelt prayers of thanks that her husband had survived.

Alice woke, and she immediately leant towards Adam to check his temperature, and smiled reassuringly at Becky, who smiled back, tears of relief evident in her dark eyes.

When the doctor arrived the following morning, Becky asked him if she could speak to him privately, after he had examined Adam. Alice suggested that they could use her bedroom, and when the doctor had finished checking Adam, they disappeared. When they came out, Becky saw the doctor off, and then returned to the guest room.

“He says that you’ll be all right now. He’s very pleased with you.” She smiled at Adam.

“Well that’s kind of him.” Adam said, a little sarcastically. Adam knew that it was only due to the care he had been given that he had pulled through.

Alice announced that she was going to make Adam something to eat, leaving him and Becky alone. With help from Becky, Adam managed to sit up until he was resting back against the headboard, supported by pillows. He shut his eyes for a moment, exhausted by the effort.

“Adam.” Becky said to get his attention.

“Yes?” He looked at her and noticed the dark circles under her eyes, and immediately felt guilty, she looked more tired now that she had when they arrived.

“I have to talk to you, do you understand what I’m saying?” Becky wanted to make sure he was paying attention.

“Becky, before you say anything, there’s something I must say to you.” He took a deep breath, trying to gather some strength, and spoke slowly. “I’m sorry for putting you through this, more sorry than you’ll ever know. You have only ever asked one thing from me, that I keep myself safe, and I promised you that I would. I broke that promise when I went after Jed’s horse, and will never forgive myself.”

“Darling, I will never expect you to be able to keep that promise. I should have known better than to ask it of you. But that isn’t what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“It isn’t?” Adam wondered what else she could have on her mind.

“No, there’s something far more important. Adam, you remember that Doctor Martin told us that I could not have any more children?” Adam nodded, frowning, not knowing where this was leading. “Well he was wrong.”

Adam looked at her, stunned by what she was saying.

“Do you mean…?”

“Yes. Doctor Nicholls has just confirmed it. I’m pregnant.”

“But that’s…incredible.” Adam congratulated himself on finding the perfect word. “Come here.” He commanded, and Becky sat on the bed next to him. Adam put his arm round her and drew her to him. He kissed her deeply and she responded. They were still lost to the world when Alice appeared, carrying a tray.

“Well, I can see that you are feeling better.” She said smiling, as she put the tray down on the bed.

“Do you want to tell her?” Adam asked Becky.

“No, you do it.” Becky replied.

“Are you sure?”

“Will someone please tell me?” Alice begged.

Adam put out his hand, and Alice took it.

“You have been so kind to us, having us here and looking after Becky, making her well again. I feel it is only right, since you helped to make it happen, that you should be the first to know. Becky’s pregnant.”

“But I thought…”

Adam laughed. “So did we. But it’s true.”

“Oh! That’s wonderful. I’m so pleased for you both.” Alice hugged Becky and leant down and kissed Adam on the cheek, and then she just stood and looked at these young people, who she considered to be her family, and her heart filled with love for them both.
Chapter Ten

When Adam and Becky arrived home, they went immediately to collect their children from the Ponderosa.

Adam’s eyes filled with tears of joy as he saw both Josh and Elizabeth toddle towards them across the living room. He realised that he had missed his son’s first steps, and for a second he resented the time he had been away, then he looked at Becky cuddling Josh in her arms and smiling, and he knew that he would have given anything, even that treasured memory, to have her well again.

Later that evening Ben and Adam were sitting on the veranda, and Ben’s mind went back to the moment when he saw his son and daughter-in-law return, and his joy at seeing her glow with health. He was less joyful to see that Adam had trouble moving his arm, and to hear about his accident. Adam assured Ben that he was all right, and told him about Becky’s condition. Ben was at first speechless, but as he recovered his joy knew no bounds, and Becky sighed realising that, during this pregnancy, she was going to have even more trouble than last time trying to lead a normal life. Ben fussed over her and insisted that she rest and let the family run round after her, and gave Adam a stern lecture on the care of expectant mothers.

Adam’s mind went back over their visit to Alice, and he remembered her advice. He had been thinking about this moment ever since, wondering about the best way to approach his father.

“Pa.” He said to get his father’s attention.

“Yes, son, what is it?” Ben was relaxed and mellow.

“Pa, I’ve been thinking.”

“Oh? Is there a problem?” Ben was suddenly alert.

“No, not a problem. I was just thinking what a good time we had with Alice, and I was wondering about something.”

“What’s that?”

“What would you be doing, if you didn’t have this ranch to look after?”

“I don’t know. I suppose that I would be able to take life easy, be able to do things that I have always wanted to do, spend more time with my grandchildren, travel, visit with friends I have not seen for a long time. Without the responsibilities here I would have time to do all those things.”

Adam looked at Ben. “Don’t you think that with three grown sons, it was time that you were able to do those things?”

“You mean that you would be willing to take over, while I sat back and enjoyed myself?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.”

Ben looked surprised, and pleased.

“Adam I’m very grateful, but are you sure that you want to commit yourself to this place. You have your own responsibilities, Becky and the children.”

Adam was smiling to himself; Ben had fallen into his trap.

“I’m sure that Becky wouldn’t mind, and I need not be here all the time. Hoss and Joe are more than capable of running the ranch, and I would still do what I do now, and be here to advise them if they needed it. I’m sure that we could manage between us.”

Ben sat back and took a sip of his brandy, contemplating what it would be like to be free to do as he pleased. A warm glow filled him to think that his sons would be willing to take on the responsibility, so that he could enjoy himself. He had thought about it before, but he didn’t want any of them to be tied down. He wanted them to be free to make their own lives.

“Adam, thank you. I know what a commitment it would be for all of you, but if you’re certain that you wouldn’t mind, I think I would like it very much.”

Ben stood and pulled Adam to his feet, and put his arms round his son’s shoulders.

“I really don’t deserve you all, you know that.”

“Yes you do, you deserve so much more than we can ever give you.” Adam embraced his father, with just the slightest twinge of guilt for manoeuvring his father into feeling badly that he was going to let his sons take over. He said a silent prayer of thanks to Alice, this could have turned out so differently but for her.

As the months passed Ben gradually handed the reins over to his children, each of them willingly taking over one aspect of the work. Hoss supervised the stock and Joe the horses, while Adam looked after the paperwork and the timber operations.

Ben took the opportunity to visit friends as he had suggested, spending a week with Alice at her home.

Nine months to the day after Adam and Becky had arrived at Alice’s ranch, Becky was safely delivered of a baby girl.

Adam wrote to Alice to tell her the news,

“Dear Alice,

Today a new Cartwright came into the world. She is the most perfect creature, dark and beautiful, like her mother.

Becky is fine, she tells me that everything went well, and she had no difficulty as she did last time. It still amazes me that she can be so accepting of the obvious suffering associated with childbirth. But she says it’s worth it when you see the result, and I have to agree with her.

We would like you to come here and stand as Godmother to the child. We will wait until you get here, if only you will accept. You already have a responsibility towards my newest daughter, as it is due to you, and the care you gave to us both, that she came into this world.

I have also written to Jed and asked him to be a Godfather. Please encourage him to accept.

As always, with love

Adam”

Both Alice and Jed accepted the charge laid upon them, and they arrived at the Ponderosa three weeks later.

Ben was overjoyed to see Alice again so soon, and was delighted that Jed had accompanied her, knowing that he and Adam were good friends. Ben was able to take the time to get to know Jed better. When he had visited Alice, Jed was away on a drive, and they had not had a chance to get acquainted. Ben was always interested in those whom Adam took to his heart; they were special people to be able to get close to his usually self-contained and taciturn son.

Ben and Alice were inseparable, spending the time together riding round the ranch, or talking quietly. Several times Adam took Jed out to show him different aspects of the ranch, and Jed was impressed to see the size of the operation they ran.

Then on a fine late April morning, they all stood in the small chapel in Virginia City. Adam was holding Elizabeth and Becky carried Josh so that they could watch their sister be baptised. Alice was holding the baby, who lay sleeping peacefully in her arms.

When the Minister asked for the Godparents to step forward Alice, Jed and Frank Cunningham moved to stand beside the font.

The Minister took the child from Alice, and asked what she should be named.

“Alice Mary.” Said Alice proudly, and her eyes glistened as the Minister gave her name to the infant in his arms.

They all returned to the Ponderosa to celebrate the new arrival, and after the guests had left, Alice and Ben were sitting together on the veranda.

“Isn’t life extraordinary?” Observed Alice.

“In what way?” Ben wanted to know.

“Well, if you and Adam hadn’t argued Little Alice might never have been born. Adam would never have come to the ranch, never have saved my life and never returned with Becky. I think it was the peace they found there, that helped Becky to conceive. None of that would have happened if you hadn’t fallen out.”

“That’s probably true, but I still wish we hadn’t argued.”

“Ben, never regret what life throws at you, you never know what it will lead to.”

“I regret not seeing more of you.” Ben looked at Alice, wondering what might have been if she hadn’t met and married Richard. Alice was quiet, watching the sun sink lower in the sky; it was going to be a beautiful sunset. Then she turned to Ben.

“Did Adam ever tell you what I said to him?”

“About what, in particular?”

“I told him that I loved him as I would my own son, and he told me that he looked on me as a mother.”

Ben was speechless. Adam had not mentioned this to him, which didn’t surprise Ben, but he was amazed at Adam admitting it to Alice.

“I’m glad. I know that he lacked a mother’s love while he was growing up. Inger gave him that love, but she was taken from us before he could accept it as normal, everyday even. To a young child, suddenly having a mother’s love must have seemed something extraordinary. Marie tried to get close to him, but he held her at arm’s length. It was as though he was afraid to love her. He had lost two mothers and must have been frightened that he would lose her as well, which is just what happened. It turned his emotions inwards, he never let anyone get close to him after that. Now he has Becky, and the children, and seems happier than he has ever been.”

Ben hesitated before he spoke again. During his visit to Alice, he had realised that feelings were stirring that he hadn’t expected. He had come home to think about them, and then when he saw Alice again he knew what he wanted. He was unsure how his words would be received. “But you know he could have you as a real mother. Why don’t you stay here, with me?”

“Oh Ben, thank you, but you know that you don’t mean that.”

Ben rose, and stepping round the table, pulled Alice gently to her feet. He held both her hands as he spoke.

“Yes, I do. Alice, I have a void in my life that only a woman’s love can fill. We could have been together all these years, if I hadn’t let Richard take you away. I loved you then, and I know I still love you.”

“But I’m too set in my ways to change now.” Alice was trembling as Ben’s words sank in.

“No you’re not. That’s just an excuse not to do something you’re afraid of. Alice I mean it, marry me.”

Alice looked at him, realising he was serious. She considered what he had said. She had kept a special place in her heart for Ben through all the years that she was married, and seeing him again her feelings had been reawakened. Was it possible that now, years later, she could let those feelings out and admit her love for him? A warm glow filled her as she thought about spending her remaining years with him. Did she dare to take this step?

“Ben, I accept. I will marry you, if you’re sure that is what you want.”

Ben kissed her gently. “I am very sure.” He wrapped his arms round her, and they clung to each other, at last able to acknowledge the feelings that they had denied so many years ago.

She smiled at Ben. “Well, we’d better go and break it to your family.” Alice took a deep breath and went with Ben into the house. Jed and Adam were sitting talking, and Hoss and Joe were playing checkers. Becky was just coming down the stairs having finally settled the children.

“Would you all come here for a moment?” Ben requested, so Joe, Hoss and Becky came to stand beside the sofa where Jed and Adam sat, facing Ben and Alice who waited patiently for their attention.

“I know that this is going to come as something of a shock to you all, but Alice has just agreed to become my wife.”

There was a stunned silence. Adam was the first to react; he stood and looked at them, pain burning deep in his eyes, and without saying a word he turned on his heels and left.

Alice looked anxiously at Ben, who took her hand and squeezed it lightly.

“Don’t worry, leave this to me.” As he followed Adam out of the door, he looked back and saw Becky and Alice holding each other, the same concern written on both their faces.

Ben found Adam on his knees in the middle of the yard, his arms wrapped round his stomach, and bent over as though in pain. Ben could hear him muttering to himself.

“No, I won’t let it happen, not again. Never.” Adam shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “Not again.”

Ben stepped in front of his son, wanting to take him in his arms, to tell him that it was going to be all right, but he knew he couldn’t give Adam that assurance. Ben reached down and, putting his hands on Adam’s arms, lifted him to his feet. Adam became aware of his father’s presence, and got unsteadily to his feet, shaking off Ben’s hands, and put his own hands on Ben’s arms, and looked deep into the ebony eyes.

“Pa, don’t do it, don’t take her away from me.” Adam pleaded with him. Ben’s heart cried for what his son had suffered in the past.

“Son, I know how you feel, don’t you think that I feel the same? But we can’t let the past dictate the future. I love Alice, and want to spend the rest of my life with her, would you take that away from me?” Adam’s hands fell to his sides and he turned away, then took a deep breath and turned back, hands on his hips, resentment in every line of his body.

“You loved my mother, and Inger and Marie, and they were taken away from me. Your love killed them.” Adam said bitterly, the loss of those women from his life, and especially the grief over Marie’s death that he had never had time to acknowledge, suddenly overwhelmed him, so that he did not care about the hurt his words caused.

“Adam!” Ben was shocked.

“That’s what happened isn’t it? And now you want to do it to Alice. Please Pa, don’t do it. If you love me, please don’t do it.” Adam begged.

“Adam, you’re too intelligent to believe that my loving them had anything to do with their dying.” Ben tried to reason with him, but could see it was no use. Adam’s eyes held fear, fear for Alice, and fear that he was going to lose another mother. Ben put his hands on Adam’s shoulders and shook him gently, trying to make him think rationally. “You’re old enough to accept that their deaths had nothing to do with the simple fact that they were married to me.”

“How can you say that?” Adam’s voice rose with his anger, and he broke free as he reminded his father of what he already knew. “Elizabeth died giving life to your child,” Adam’s voice caught in his throat as he acknowledged his own part in his mother’s death, “to me. Inger died pierced by an arrow because she travelled with you, and Marie could have been safe in New Orleans. She would never fallen from that horse if you hadn’t brought her out here.”

“Adam, that doesn’t mean that it will happen again. Don’t you think that if Alice and I want to be together, that you should be happy for us?” Ben said softly, trying to break through his son’s anger.

“I’m sorry, Pa, I can’t do it.” Adam shook his head, and pushed past his father and went into the barn, emerging a few minutes later leading Sport. He mounted and rode out of the yard. He didn’t look at Ben, couldn’t look at him. He didn’t know where he was going, but he had to get away.

Ben sadly watched him go, not knowing how to help him. He turned back to the house and was met by Alice, and behind her Joe and Hoss, who had followed her out of the house.

“Ben?” Alice was concerned for Adam. She had seen his reaction and guessed the reason for it.

“Don’t worry, he’ll come round.” Said Ben, looking after his son, the worry in his eyes saying that he was far from certain. Adam was not outwardly emotional, but that didn’t mean that he had no feelings, he just had trouble expressing them. When his emotions overwhelmed him, as now, he lacked the experience to deal with them, and they would take control of him until he could put them back where they belonged, behind the barriers he had created.

“Are you sure? He seemed very upset.”

“We just have to give him time. He’ll work it out, but it’ll take time.”

Ben and Alice went back into the house, leaving Hoss and Joe standing in the yard.

“I’m goin’ after him, I don’t think he should be alone.” Said Hoss.

“I’ll come with you.” Joe told him.

“No, one of us is enough.” Hoss strode to the barn and saddled Chubb, and Joe came to watch him. As Hoss was ready to leave, Joe put a hand on his brother’s arm.

“Bring him back.”
Chapter Eleven

Hoss rode fast, easily following Adam’s trail up into the mountains, until he caught sight of his quarry up ahead. Suddenly Adam turned off the track and went into the forest. Hoss followed more slowly, waiting to see where Adam would go.

Eventually Adam stopped and dismounted at the edge of the trees, high on a rise overlooking the ranch, and he could see the grey wisp of smoke from the fire marking the house in the distance. Adam turned away from the sight and walked amongst the pines, tall and comforting in the growing darkness. He put out his hand and leant up against one of the trees, and hung his head.

Suddenly he drove his fist into the rough bark. “NO!” He screamed, and then, “NOT AGAIN!” as he hit the tree a second time. He turned and leant back against the solid support, impervious to the pain of a broken finger and the blood dripping from his knuckles. He lowered his head and wept.

Adam had never known his own mother, never grieved for her. He had shed tears for Hoss’s mother, Inger, but they were the tears of a child, he had not really understood what had happened or why, and he had Hoss and his father to care for, and the daily struggle to stay alive made the grieving short. He had not grieved for Marie. He desperately wanted to, but her death had hit Ben very hard and his father had retreated from the world, leaving Adam to care for his brothers and the ranch. Adam had shed no tears, but had taken on the responsibilities thrust upon him, until his father once again returned emotionally to his family. But by then it was too late, the tears were locked inside, and he could not shed them.

Now it all came flooding out, grief for the past and fear for the future. Adam sank to his knees and then collapsed face down onto the soft ground, his head resting on his forearms as the tears poured out of him, tearing wracking sobs from his throat. His heart was broken into so many pieces at that moment that he thought he would die.

Hoss held back, now he was here he wasn’t sure what he was going to say. He saw Adam on the ground, and could hear him crying. Hoss approached him slowly, and bent down and put his hand on Adam’s back, feeling the sorrow pour out of his troubled brother.

“Adam. Don’t.” Hoss said gently.

“Get away from me. Just leave me alone.” Adam said roughly, between sobs.

“No I won’t leave you. You cain’t do this to yourself, to Pa.”

Adam rolled onto his back, looking up through the branches to the stars beginning to show in the sky above. How he would like to be up in that sky among those cold, unfeeling stars, away from the pain in his heart. He sat up, tears still streaming down his face.

“Adam, Pa and Alice want to be together, cain’t you give ‘em your blessing. Think what this is doing to them.”

Adam shook his head, and took several deep breaths before he could speak.

“You don’t understand, you haven’t had to go through what I have. You can’t understand what it means, to see it happening again.”

“Maybe not, but I can understand how Pa feels. Would you deprive him of this chance, jest in case you might git hurt. I know you better than that, you love Pa too much for that.”

“But I can’t lose Alice as well. I just couldn’t bear it.” He looked at his brother, seeing nothing but love and concern in the blue eyes. “Alice is already like a mother to me.” His breath caught in his throat as he fought to stop the tears.

“And what d’ya think is goin’ to happen to her?”

“I don’t know.” Adam said quietly, shaking his head. “I guess I’m frightened for her.”

“Adam, you listen to me and you listen good.” Hoss said forcefully, taking a strong grip on Adam’s shoulders, shaking him hard as he spoke. “All your life you’ve been there for me and Joe, helpin’ us, advisin’ us and tellin’ us what to do. Now the tables are turned and I’m gonna to tell you a few things, and you are gonna to listen.” Adam looked at Hoss, amazed at the vehemence in the voice of his gentle brother, and for a fleeting moment, he was afraid of this giant of a man. He thought that he had better pay attention.

“You’ve spent the best part of your life givin’ to this family. You’ve given your love and your labour to keep us safe, to give us the life we have here. You never thought of yourself, but gave willing, wantin’ to see us happy and secure. You ain’t got a selfish bone in your body, and yet now that is exactly how you’re behavin’. You’re only thinkin’ of yourself, not Pa nor me, nor Joe. And you’re puttin’ your feelings before those of Alice as well. Adam that’s not like you, and I think that right now that’s upsettin’ you as much as the thought of what might happen to Alice, and it’s gonna to tear you apart, goin’ against your nature as you are. Neither Pa nor Alice are young and, yes, they’re gonna to die, but you want to deprive them of being together for whatever time they may have. You made Pa give up the ranch so that he could have more time to relax, and you was right to do that. But if you make him give up Alice you’ll never forgive yourself, seein’ Pa alone.”

Adam stared at Hoss, then he stood and went to the edge of the cliff and looked out over the forest below, so peaceful in the evening light. He had known a mother’s love for ten years, longer than ever before in his life. He desperately didn’t want to lose that now, he wasn’t sure that he would be able to survive another such loss. But had Hoss got it right? Was he being selfish wanting Alice to be safe? Had he any right to try to deprive his father of his happiness, just so he should not be hurt again? His father had been alone since Marie died, and now he wanted to share his remaining years with Alice. Was that so wrong? Ben had given his life to his children, Adam thought, and yet here he was, wanting his father to give up his happiness for him, because he was afraid of what might happen. How could he do that to his father and live with himself?

Adam turned back to Hoss, who was standing watching him, and a small smile touched his lips.

“How come you never got angry with me before?”

“I never needed to, I guess, because you were never this thoughtless before.” Hoss said honestly.

The word brought Adam up short. Thoughtless? No, it was his thoughts that were so painful. But he loved his family deeply and would do nothing to hurt any of them. Thoughtless? Yes, he wasn’t thinking of them, only himself.

The smile disappeared as Adam nodded. “I guess not.” He turned back to the view, looking towards the house and thinking of the people there, waiting for him. Adam looked down as Hoss came up beside him and took hold of his damaged hand. Suddenly Adam could feel the pain, and winced as Hoss used his handkerchief to bind the wounds.

“S’pose you think this’ll get you out of doing some work?” Hoss grinned.

“Got to be worth a couple of days.” Adam smiled back, but was inwardly ashamed at what he had done to himself. Then he walked back to Sport and mounted. “You coming?” They rode slowly home together.

On the way back, Adam again went over the things that Hoss had said to him. He would go back to his father and wish him well, he felt he had no choice, but always in his mind would be the fear. He knew that through the days, months, and please God, years that Alice stayed with them that fear would always be there, waiting for the sorrow that would leap out at him should anything untoward happen to her. He was frightened for Alice, but also for himself, for what would happen to his mind and his heart.

As they walked towards the house Adam stopped, reluctant to face his family after the things he had said to his father. Hoss came up beside him and put his massive hand on Adam’s shoulder and pushed him through the door. They were all there waiting, Ben and Alice with Becky on the sofa, Jed and Joe in the armchairs either side of the fireplace.

They all turned, and Ben stood hesitantly as he saw Adam come in, uncertain of his son’s mood. He noticed the makeshift bandage on Adam’s swollen hand, and looked questioningly at Hoss, who shook his head, his eyes saying ‘later’. Adam’s eyes went round the room and stopped when they met Becky’s. He saw love and compassion and it gave him the strength to face his father. He went and stood in front of Ben, and hung his head.

“Pa, I want to apologise to you for the things I said. I had no right to try and stop you, and I’m sorry that I hurt you. I was wrong, and I know that now, please forgive me.” Adam was afraid that he had gone past the point where his father would be able to forgive the things he had said. They went too deep into both their memories.

“Son, there’s no need to apologise, and of course I forgive you. I should have realised how you would feel, it was foolish of me to expect you to be as happy as I was, I should have known.”

Adam looked up into his father’s eyes and saw nothing but love and understanding, and it made him feel even more guilty. Ben was going to put his arm round Adam to let him know that everything was all right, but Adam moved to stand in front of Alice.

“Alice, I’m very pleased for you.” He put out his hands and, ignoring the pain, lifted her gently to her feet. “I know that you will be happy, and I will do everything in my power to make sure you are, and that Pa treats you right. You know that he can be a bit of a tyrant if you don’t watch him.” Adam smiled and Alice was relieved to see it.

Alice laughed. “Oh that’s all right, Becky has told me how to deal with tyrants, I’ll just threaten not to feed him!”

Becky stood beside Alice, and put her arm round her waist.

“You see, I’ve been giving Alice some advice about how to handle her Cartwright. I think she will manage very well.”

Ben put his arm round Adam’s shoulder.

“Well it looks as though you and I will have to stand together against the force of our women.”

“Yeah.” Suddenly Adam couldn’t speak, looking at Becky and Alice standing together. Not only had he been given the gift of a wonderful woman to love as his wife, but he was also being given the gift of a mother.

The End

January 2002

 

Tags:  Adam Cartwright, Ben Cartwright, Hoss Cartwright, Joe / Little Joe Cartwright, wife / wives