SUMMARY:   It is several years later and Adam has sent a message that he will be visiting the Ponderosa. There are many questions his family has for him and they would like answers such as what has happened to his marriage and why is he traveling so much. Jamie figures prominently in this story.

rating = T  word count = 27,250

Red Night Series

Red Night
I’m Telling You Now
Understanding
Firsts

Understanding

Chapter 1

Sitting beside some pine trees, Hoss and Candy let their horses rest as they waited for others to join them. The subject of the conversation was both Adam and Jamie because Jamie had an insatiable curiosity about things, and the topic lately had been Adam. Interest had been stirred up because they had received a letter saying he would be in the vicinity and would try to stop by for a visit. It had created all sorts of reactions in the family, and Jamie wondered how one man could have such an impact. Hoss was doing his best to explain some of that with stories about Adam as well as his analysis of his older brother and family dynamics. Hoss had been telling some stories about Adam ever since he had learned from Candy that Jamie didn’t think he could ask members of his family about his older brother. He told Candy a lot about Adam to answer Candy’s queries about what Adam was like because Candy had been unable to answer a lot of Jamie’s questions. Although Candy had met Adam and knew some of his story in regard to Red Night and why he had left the Ponderosa and not returned for many years, it was sketchy at best. He knew little of the man’s history and what had made him what he was. Of course being with him even for the short time they had both been on the Ponderosa, he knew some of his mannerisms and habits, but only superficially. Hoss was doing his best to fill in the rest of the story. It was a roundabout way though of letting Jamie know about his oldest brother but the only one they had at the moment.

“Yeah, I’m guessin’ Joe and Adam never did understand each other all that well. They’re alike in a lot of ways, but there are some basic differences that put them at odds a lot. It’s been that way almost as far back as Joe was old enough to understand what was going on in the world.”

“Can you give me an example?”

“I remember a time when Adam had come back from college. He was having a hard time fitting back into the ranch and getting used to Joe being older. It took a couple of years for the two of them to work out a new kind of relationship but even then they often had disagreements ’cause they didn’t understand one another.”

“Adam says he’s jealous of me.”

“Jealous of you? Why would Adam be jealous of you?”

“Why wouldn’t he? I got lots to be jealous of. You saying I don’t?”

Not wanting to start an argument, Hoss decided to let Little Joe have his say. “Course not. I was jest wondrin’ is all.”

“Well, funny thing is, he’s jealous because I go to school. Now that’s funny, isn’t it? Here, I can’t wait to be done with it, and he thinks it’s a good thing.”

“That’s ’cause me and him never got to go, and he woulda liked to go. I liked learning my letters and numbers from Mama Marie and then from Pa. I did my lessons in the afternoon and after dinner. Then later, I learned more ’bout reading and such from Adam too.”

“How did Adam learn all that stuff?”

“He learned some here and there but a lot from Pa and then he had tutors for a bit before he went off to college. I don’t rightly know how he learned so much. Some I guess he taught himself by reading all them books. I know he used to borrow books from anybody who would loan him any. When he could, he’d buy one, and you know he liked ’em for presents when he could get ’em.”

“So he liked books that much? Joe likes books too.”

“Not the same kinda books though. Joe likes them dime novel kind of books. Adam don’t. He likes them other kind of books, more serious books mostly. He showed me some though that had some pictures in ’em that was really somethin’ and I wished I had me some of them books. He called ’em art books, but ifn that was art, then I wouldn’t mind being an artist.”

“I’ve seen a little bit of art like that too. Most of it’s hanging over the bar in some saloon though.”

The two men had a good laugh then as they worked. Hoss started laughing again though a moment later and Candy had to ask why.

“Adam and Joe got ahold a one them paintings from a saloon once. They hung it up in one of our line cabins ’cause they knew Pa would never let us have it in the house. It hung there for at least two years, I think. It was probably the most popular line cabin. We never had trouble getting men to agree to use that one. It was all good until Pa was out with some friends, and they were on a day long tour of the ranch. Well they got caught in a big storm.”

“Oh, no.”

“Oh, yeah. They were on the other side of that big ridge and the wind was howling. Pa knew he couldn’t go up and over that ridge with those winds. They woulda blown him and the rig over and maybe killed ’em all. He headed for that line cabin instead. Guess he was a mite embarrassed for his guests to walk in and see that painting hung over that fireplace. They got a good look too as he was taking care of the horses and the carriage out back before heading into the cabin.”

“What did he do?”

“First off, he burned up that painting, frame and all. Started a fire in that fireplace using that for kindling.”

“I mean when he got back.”

“Listen, ifn he could take two growed men to the barn for a tanning, he woulda. He had them apologize to his guests, but I could see the twinkle in their eyes. They didn’t really mean it, and I swear, I think Pa’s guests found it pretty durn funny too. That only made him even more mad.”

“Were any of those guests female?”

“Yes, one was about Adam’s age. She was married, but I swear, she seemed to think it was funny more than anything. She said something to Adam in French and he answered in French. Her husband smiled after that so it couldn’t a bin anything bad, but Pa didn’t like it that they was talking and he didn’t know what they was saying. He sent Adam out to ride fence lines for two weeks.”

“Did that bother him?”

“I doubt it. He took some books with him and was probably glad not to be around Pa’s bad temper. Joe got the worst of it with dirty chores at home for a week or more. By the time it was done, Joe was madder at Adam than he was at Pa.”

“Why?”

“I dunno. I guess ’cause he figured it was more Adam’s doing, and it seemed to him that Adam got off lighter.”

“But that was your Pa’s doing, not Adam.”

“Adam did say he was sorry. He usually does take responsibility for things even when they ain’t his fault. He seems to figure he could always a done better even when there was probably no way anybody coulda. Joe was still mad. Listen, I never could understand what was going on between Adam and Joe. You ever completely figure it out, you let me know.”

“I can’t even figure Joe out so you tell me if you ever do that.”

“Anything special bring that up?”

“It was when we were breaking horses last week. Joe took a bad fall from one and was gonna call it a day. We’d done a lot so it wasn’t a surprise. A couple of the older hands though razzed him a little. Said older brother Adam would of gotten mad with a fall like that and wouldn’t have let a day end with him dusting off his backside. Next thing you know, Joe’s up on the chute telling them to get that horse ready again. I asked him if he was all right, and he said he was ‘fine’ which I told your pa when he got there and asked why Joe was still riding. He got real worried when I said it. What’s wrong with being ‘fine’ anyway?”

“It kinda goes back to Adam. Ifn he said he was fine, it meant he could still walk and talk. It didn’t mean he was all right. He might keel over a bit after that too.”

“So when Joe said he was fine, he was hurting.”

“Probably pretty bad, but he wasn’t going to show it.”

“I should have stopped him from riding.”

“If you could have.”

“Yeah, he’s pretty stubborn.”

“Runs in the family too. Pa can dig his heels in ’cause he don’t like things to change. Joe reacts without thinking sometimes when things rub him the wrong way. Adam has his reasons but don’t always share ’em up front. But, yeah, all stubborn in their own way.”

“What about you?”

“Always seems to have been my job to pull the fuses before the keg blows.”

“Tough job.”

“It can be. Not as bad as letting your family blow up.”

“But your family split up anyway.”

“Not really. Adam may not be here, but there’s no real bad feeling ’bout that. He helped us out for years from San Francisco before he moved on and did a bit of traveling before he took this job he has now.”

“What is it he does again?”

“I’m not real sure and he don’t tell much in his letters. He does something for the Treasury Department, and he travels all over. When he writes, he never says much about it, but the letters come from all over the place. He even met up with us a coupla times. Once we was in Denver, and when we went to dinner, he was there. I ain’t got no idea how he knew we was there.”

“Spooky. Maybe he’s some kind of spy.”

“That’s funny. Joe said that one time he ought to be one ’cause of how he dresses.”

“How’s that?”

“Well, he had blue shirts and gray ones and red and white, but he favored black. He wore black and real dark blue almost all the time.”

“Everything?”

“Everything. From his hat to his boots including his gunbelt, it was all dark like that. Funny thing is, he favored this yellow barn coat too. There never was no figuring Adam. Nobody could get inside his head and figure out what he was thinking, and he was always thinking.”

“So if he ever shows up here, I ought to know him. He should be pretty obvious dressed like that.”

“Well, I doubt he wears a yellow coat any more, but I’d bet on the black clothes. Joe liked to razz him about it, but he’d just raise one eyebrow and look back at ‘im like saying something like what business was it of his or something like that. Well anyway, getting back to that spy business of his. Adam and Diane both worked undercover for the government at one time. That’s how they met. She don’t work no more, but he went back to work for them directly. Not undercover no more, but I don’t know exactly what he does.”

“They were spies?”

“Well, sort of, I guess. They sure seemed like they was all done with that. They lived here for a bit, but Adam couldn’t get the kind of business going that he wanted, so they moved to California. Then they lost them two babies, and somehow, things went sour between them, I guess.”

“Sour?”

“I don’t rightly know what happened, but she don’t come with him for visits no more, and we don’t get invited to their place. Ifn we see Adam now, it’s someplace away from where they live. He hasn’t been home here in a long time neither.”

“That’s why your pa is so excited?”

“Yeah, and why Joe is kinda on edge. He says Adam promised to stay and broke it.”

“Joe never talks about Adam.”

“Best you don’t bring that up with him.”

“Jamie’s been asking questions constantly about Adam lately and he wants to know why Joe feels that way about him. It’s part of why I brought it up. Ever since your father got that letter that he might visit, Jamie’s been pretty excited about the idea.”

“Why would he ask you about Adam and not the rest of us?”

“Probably the same reason you told me not to bring him up with Joe. Nobody knows how to talk about Adam with the family. It seems to be kind of a touchy subject around here.”

“I guess I should talk with Jamie then.”

“Yeah, I think if you told him the stories you told me, it would help the kid out some.”

“I’ll do that. I don’t have a problem talking ’bout my older brother like Joe does. Where is Joe anyway? We’re supposed to go up and look over that upper pasture to see how many of the herd are up there. With the rain we’ve had, it could be harder driving them down.”

“He’s probably talking to your pa about bringing Jamie along. The boy wants to help out, but your pa is nervous about letting him out of his sight.”

“He can be quite a mother hen sometimes.”

“Probably comes from being a mother and a father to three boys for so many years.”

Both turned at the sound of horses coming up behind them. Jamie was grinning broadly to be allowed to accompany the three men as they set out for the upper pasture while Ben organized the camp for the roundup and waited for all the hands and Hop Sing with the chuckwagon to arrive. Hank was driving up a second wagon with bedrolls and canvas. It had rained quite a bit recently so they were going to rig a dry area for sleeping. It was going to be a far more organized camp than was usual for them during a roundup.

Excited to be with the men, Jamie wanted to know what he had to do. Hoss told him that all he had to do at first was follow along as they had to get up to the pasture first and the trail was rocky most of the way but that there might be some muddy spots.

“That’s what has Pa worried so you hafta do exactly as we say ifn we run inta anything like that.”

“I will, Hoss. I’ll follow orders. You know I will.”

“I do, Jamie. Now, I’ll take the lead first. We’ll alternate.”

Except they didn’t. It was only about an hour on the trail when Hoss spotted something he didn’t like and called a halt. Joe and Candy rode up to stop beside him so Jamie did the same. They asked why he had stopped.

“Look ahead. What do you see?”

Both Candy and Joe looked as did Jamie but only Candy and Joe answered that they saw a lot of horse tracks. Joe said he wasn’t surprised as they were near the Paiute summer camp.

“Joe, when was the last time you saw Paiute putting horseshoes on their horses?”

“What?” Joe dismounted and took a good look at the tracks. “Dang, you’re right. These horses were all shod. We got a problem. These tracks are at least a couple of days old though.”

“Yeah, maybe they were only traveling through, or maybe we got ourselves a problem. We need to keep a good lookout.”

They did until about an hour had passed. They heard cows and the sound of men’s voices. Hoss told Jamie to get off his horse and tie him off.

“Now get yourself behind the biggest boulder there and stay there. We’re going ahead to see what we can find out.”

Cautiously, the men rode forward but had not gone more than about one hundred feet when shots rang out behind them and ahead of them as the rustlers sprung a hastily set trap. If they had more time, the trap would have been deadly. As it was, the sound of a rifle being cocked had been enough warning for the three to at least react enough not to be shot. However they had to scramble for cover and were pinned down with nowhere to go. Hoss had ordered Jamie not to move so there was little likelihood that he would ride for help. It was looking rather grim for them.

 

Chapter 2

Wanting so much to help, Jamie was miserable stuck where he was unable to do anything to assist his brothers and Candy and unable to get away either. One of the rustlers had moved and was near Jamie. To leave his hiding spot would expose him to that’s man’s deadly fire, but he had no weapon to use against those who were attacking his brothers and Candy even though occasionally he saw the others through the trees. He wished he had a rifle, but he had nothing and couldn’t think of a way to get one from the horses or from the rustlers who were closer. All he could do was pray, and he did a lot of that hoping his Pa would show up soon with help because surely the gunfire would draw some attention.

It had, and high above Jamie, a man watched the proceedings and tried to determine which side was the one he should help. He had seen a man in a red shirt and black vest in the rocks and thought he recognized him. He had seen two others firing at that man, but trees obscured his vision of any of the rest of the men apparently trying to kill each other. The battle was on Ponderosa land so he assumed that one side worked for the ranch and the other side was trying to take something away from them or kill them or both. However, he couldn’t do anything until he could tell which side to help. It was about that time that he spotted the red-haired boy hiding in the boulders. That could be only one person, and he knew what he had to do. He moved as rapidly as possible down the slope keeping in cover until he was behind that set of boulders and then moved quickly into a defile that would get him close to the boy hoping he wasn’t armed because he was going to be at a distinct disadvantage if he was.

Hearing a noise behind him, Jamie whirled to see a well-armed, bearded man dressed in black who had a rifle pointed in the air moving from the open defile into the small space he had. Bending to grab a rock to defend himself, he was taken aback by the man’s first words.

“If I meant to harm you, Jamie, I would have shot you from up on top of the hill.”

“How’d you know my name?”

“We’ll talk later. Right now, I need to know more about the situation here. Tell me what has happened and tell me fast so I can help.”

A split second decision was what was required and Jamie decided that things could hardly get worse. Trusting the man at his word, he told him what had happened. “My brothers and our foreman were riding up here to look things over for the roundup we’re doing. We weren’t planning on doing much of anything except taking a look around. Then we realized that someone was driving some of our herd away, and we followed them. When we got about here, Hoss told me to hunker down, and they went ahead to check things out. Right away it seemed, shots were fired from ambush. We walked right into it.”

“The man in the red shirt and black vest – is that the foreman?”

“Yeah, that’s Candy.”

“All, right, now, do you know how to shoot a rifle?”

“Of course I do.” Then Jamie’s bravado failed him. “But I’m not very good yet.”

“Are you good enough to send some shots in the direction of those rustlers and not hit me by mistake?”

“Of course I can.”

Handing over the rifle then, Adam gave Jamie extra ammunition too. “Do what you can to pin them down when you see them. They’re not going to expect any gunfire from this direction. Wait though until I get closer to them. I’ve got two pistols but it would help if I was closer before I opened fire.”

“Are you good enough to send some shots in the direction of those rustlers and not hit my brothers and Candy by mistake?”

Jamie got a raised eyebrow as a response and then the man was gone sliding down the boulder in front of Jamie and hurrying toward where the rustlers were. It didn’t take long for Jamie to lose sight of him. He watched for the rustlers and then when one stood to fire at his brothers and Candy, he sighted in on him and fired. He knew he missed when the man turned around in surprise and then dropped down to get cover from him. It made him feel good to know he had slowed the attack on his family until the man started shooting at him. He dropped down until the shots stopped pinging off the boulder. Thinking it might not be a good idea to lift his head there and take a look, he moved over to another boulder and cautiously peeked over the top. He saw two of the rustlers but not clearly as there was a lot of brush between him and them so he knew he wouldn’t get a shot through. However the stranger had said to shoot in their direction probably wanting to pin them down so he could move more easily so Jamie shot. Then he couldn’t see the men any more for a few minutes but there was a flurry of pistol shots and he assumed the stranger was in range so he could do some damage. He fired more shots in the direction of the rustlers hoping he was doing the right thing. Then there was more fire from his brothers and Candy. He watched and when he had a chance, he fired at a rustler who was trying to climb up through the rocks near him. He missed but heard the ricochet as did the rustler who ducked down to hide where he had a good spot and could shoot down at everyone. Jamie had no idea how they were going to get him when he saw the stranger climbing toward the rustler. Jamie fired a shot at the rustler to keep him pinned down, and then he saw the stranger fire several shots even though he knew he couldn’t see the rustler. Jamie was shocked to hear the rustler cry out in pain and then raise up his rifle and drop it in surrender.

“Jamie, you all right?” Hoss called up wondering who was there with his little brother.

“I’m fine, Hoss.” Jamie walked down the slope then to meet his brothers and Candy who were shocked to see him with a rifle.

“Where did you get a rifle, and a fine rifle like that too?” Joe took the rifle from him and looked it over noting the hand engraving on the stock.

“A man showed up to help. He’s up there. He’s the one who shot that last rustler and made him surrender.”

“Here I thought Pa had got here with some help. Any idea who this feller is?”

“No, but he knew my name.”

Hoss started grinning then and looked at Joe who nodded. Candy however was as curious as Jamie.

“So who is this stranger who shows up in the nick of time and can shoot around corners?”

“I hope you’re not complaining.”

Candy jumped a little at the man stepping up behind him because he hadn’t heard him approach. A little embarrassed at that, he was sharp in his reply but also because he had recognized the voice.

“Hoss is right. You’re damn sneaky too.”

“I don’t know why Hoss always says that about me.”

He didn’t get to say more as Hoss enveloped him in a bear hug. As Joe hung back a little, Hoss felt Adam flinch at the hug and knew he was hurt so he stepped back. “Where is it?”

Pointing to his side where he held his left arm tightly pressed to his chest, Adam explained what happened. “I asked Jamie for covering fire, but one of the shots ricocheted, and I had some bad luck. It hit me in the ribs on that side.”

“Hurt much.”

“Not too bad.”

Both Hoss and Joe knew what that meant. Joe pulled a clean handkerchief from his pocket as Hoss opened Adam’s shirt after removing the shoulder pistol harness Adam had.

“Looks like the leather stopped it from doing too much damage, but it did go in some.”

As Joe pressed the wad of cloth against the bleeding wound, Adam groaned a bit. “Not so hard.” Then he almost fainted and only Candy being behind him stopped him from falling on the ground and doing more damage to himself. Candy lowered him and held him as Joe and Hoss took a look at the wound.

“Joe, you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?”

“If you’re thinking that ricochet broke a rib and that’s what’s really causing the problem, then, yes.”

“All, right, we’re gonna hafta do something ’bout that.”

Jamie ventured a guess then. “Is that Adam?”

“Shur is, little brother. Kin you and Candy go get Pa and Hop Sing and the wagon? We gotta take care of him.”

“Hey, what about me?” The wounded outlaw sat to the side bleeding from a wound in his side too.

“We’ll see about you when we got time. For now, you kin hold your hand on it and pray.” Hoss had little sympathy for a man who only minutes earlier had been trying to kill them. Adam roused then and looked up at Hoss and then at Candy.

“Sorry about that. I’m not usually so clumsy.”

Looking up at Hoss, Candy smiled. “He hasn’t changed a bit.” Very carefully, Candy shifted Adam to Hoss’ arms and then left with Jamie.

As Hoss kept Adam propped up so he didn’t have to rest on the rocky ground, Joe kept some light pressure on the wound but didn’t look directly at Adam much. It was clear that he still had some mixed feelings about his brother’s absence from the ranch and his prolonged absence from the family. In his mind, visits especially so far apart were not sufficient. However he loved his brother and hated to see him in this pain. Adam raised his hand and put it on Joe’s arm. He spoke softly and paused often to get his breath.

“I think you can take the pressure off. Until the rib gets fixed, the bleeding is going to happen inside or out.”

Glancing at Hoss, Joe could see him purse his lips and agree with their older brother. “All right, but if it starts spurting out of there, I’m going to have to do something.”

Once Joe pulled the cloth away, Hoss felt Adam relax some and realized the pressure on the wound had probably been very painful. He hadn’t complained though not wanting to make Joe feel bad about it. He seemed to breathe a bit easier too as they waited. The noise of the wagon approaching was matched by the hoof beats that preceded it and their father’s calls wondering exactly where they were. Joe stood to wave at him to bring him to where they waited. When he got there, he knelt at Adam’s side and called his name, which got him to open his eyes again.

“Sorry, Pa, I seem to have made a mess of my homecoming.”

Stepping up beside Joe, Candy shook his head. “Does he have to apologize for everything?”

“Not everything.” Then Joe went to help Jamie and Hop Sing who had arrived with the wagon.

Once Hop Sing saw Adam’s wound, he pronounced that they had to take care of it right there. “He no move with that. It bad. We fix here. Then move.”

Blankets were hauled out to create a soft place for Adam to rest. A towel was placed under his side and Ben followed Hop Sing’s instructions for cleaning the area around the wound. It was ragged but didn’t appear to be deep. When Hop Sing examined it, he had some good news.

“No bullet inside. Hit rib and not there now.”

Ben was relieved too. “The ricochet probably didn’t have enough force to do more than it did, thank the Lord.”

Biting down on a piece of leather, Adam groaned reminding them that he was feeling everything they were doing. Hop Sing guessed the rib was the main problem and felt for that. When he put pressure on it to pull it back into position, they were all glad that they had Hoss, Joe, and Candy positioned to hold Adam so he couldn’t move because he did his best to try. Luckily, the process was a quick one. The rib was repositioned and Hop Sing held a clean cloth over the wound as Ben asked Adam how he felt after removing the leather from between his son’s teeth.

“Like a bull gored me.”

“Is it any better than it was?”

“It’s not stabbing me so much when I breathe.”

“All right. Sharp pain or dull?”

“Dull.”

“Don’t try to move at all. We’re going to have to strap you up tight so that rib can’t move again.”

It was an excruciating process to endure, but when they were done, breathing was difficult although not as painful. Adam had to breathe shallowly and rapidly, but he could do so without hurting himself. Ben told him they would keep him quiet in the wagon and hope that there was no bleeding inside. He had no objections to that. The men lifted him using the blankets and carried him to the wagon setting him inside with as much care as they could. The wagon ride back to where they had the roundup going was a bit bumpy but they went as slow as they could. Once there, Adam asked if they could prop him up.

“I think it would be easier for me to breathe, and I could feed myself and take a drink as needed too.”

The wounded rustler was bandaged too. He was going to have to be brought to town if he survived. His wound had not looked that serious, but it was one that could lead to an abscess because it had penetrated the abdominal wall. It was one of those wounds for which people could only offer up prayers. Sometimes people did fine, and other times they died horrible excruciatingly painful deaths from infections when the abscess burst. This one would have to wait for find out his fate.

Once Adam’s horses were found and brought into camp, he had no more suggestions to make and closed his eyes. He didn’t open them again until the next morning. With only a slight fever, there was relief for Ben and the others. It was going to be difficult to take care of Adam and do the roundup, but at least he was only slightly incapacitated and not in serious trouble. When Jamie volunteered to take charge of his care, there was a general sigh of relief in the camp and Ben especially praised Jamie for volunteering.

“Well, I figured this was as good a time as any to get to know my oldest brother.”

“He shur is the oldest, Jamie, but you ain’t got no idea what you’re gittin’ yourself into by volunteering for this. He ain’t never been a good patient so I’m wishin’ you the best of luck with that.”

“Is he any worse than the rest of you?”

They heard Adam’s snort from the wagon. If he had been capable, he would have laughed. Candy did laugh, and Jamie grinned.

“You know, Jamie, they say Adam helped raise these two. From what I know from my limited time with him and considering how they act and that they must have followed after their older brother’s example, I think I should wish you luck too.” With that grin, Candy sauntered off to his horse ready for a full day of work.

That comment gave Hoss and Joe reason to smile again as they left. Rolling his eyes even as he smiled too, Ben tried to reassure Jamie that they were only joking.

“I’m sure you won’t have any trouble. Adam is a mature, responsible man.”

“Yeah, like Hoss and Joe, right?”

Shrugging, Ben smiled. “I’m sure you won’t have any problems.” Then he left too.

Walking to the wagon, Jamie peeked inside to see that Adam had closed his eyes and probably would fall asleep again. He didn’t know why Adam was so tired, but at least he didn’t have to do anything for a while so he helped Hop Sing clean up the camp.

 

Chapter 3

When Ben and the others arrived back at the camp for a late lunch, they found Adam and Jamie ensconced in the wagon with the canvas drawn back. Their heads were close together as they were reading. Walking up to the wagon, Ben thought he knew what they were doing.

“So, Jamie, bringing along that copy of Moby Dick wasn’t a bad idea after all, was it?”

“No, I suppose not.”

“No, you suppose not. It seems you two are getting quite a bit of enjoyment out of having it here.”

“Oh, no, Pa, Adam has another book. He has four books with him, but he thought I might like this one best. It’s The Three Musketeers by a French writer.” Jamie looked to Adam for some help.

“Alexandre Dumas.”

“Yeah, and we’ve been reading it, and Adam is explaining the background and stuff so it all makes more sense. It’s really exciting.”

“So you’re learning some history too?”

“Yes, and I never thought learning history could be so much fun.”

“Learning history is fun. Pa, we have to get him away from Adam now before he’s ruined forever.” Joe giggled at his own remark.

“It won’t hurt him to get a little more education.”

“Look what happened with Adam when he got too much.”

A dark look crossed over Ben’s face then, and Joe knew he had said the wrong thing. He didn’t know how to take it back or make things better, but Jamie wisely brought the conversation back to the book.

“We’ve been comparing the characters in the book to our family. I’m D’Artagnan because I’m the youngest and seeking my future. Hoss is Porthos because he’s the one with the powerful body and the strong character. And Joe, you’re Aramis, great with the ladies, and a schemer and very handsome too.”

“Hey, I like that. Who is Adam?”

“He’s Athos, kind of the older one who’s like a father figure to D’Artagnan. He watches out for him and kinda guides him along.”

“Well then, who is Pa?”

Jamie looked to Adam for they had not discussed that. “He is Monsieur de Tréville, captain of the Musketeers, and mentor to them all but especially to D’Artagnan.”

Leaning against the side of the wagon, Hoss grinned as their father went to get his lunch. “Smooth, Adam, real smooth.”

“Hey, I’ve learned a few things over the years.”

“Is that really a character in that there book?”

Looking slightly offended, Adam couldn’t hold the expression and smiled slightly. “He is, but it’s a minor role. I was gambling that Pa had not read the book.”

“Ya know, he probably will now though. He’s gonna be mighty curious ’bout who ya compared him to.”

“Yes, but he’s very busy now and will be for quite a while so, hopefully, I may not be around when he does.”

The two brothers grinned then and Jamie smiled at the natural warmth that was there between them. Hoss suggested that Jamie ought to come with him and get lunch for him and for Adam. While they were doing that, he had another suggestion.

“Adam looks a mite tired. Maybe it’s time to let him get some sleep after lunch.”

“All right, I’ll tell him that.”

“Oh, no, little brother, that ain’t how ya do it at all. With our oldest brother, ya jest say you’re gonna help clean up after lunch and it could be a mite before ya git back. Or ya jest take your time doing things and let nature take its course. Now, ya could make sure he’s warm enough for a nap before ya go.”

Rocking back and forth a bit, Jamie smiled conspiratorially. “And I suppose he’ll just close his eyes to rest them a bit until I get back.”

“Ya catch on real quick like. Yah, he’ll be sleeping like a baby in no time.”

That all worked like a charm too. Hoss helped Adam with what he had to do and then back into the wagon. Jamie pulled a blanket over his legs and up to his chest telling him he had to help clean up after lunch. Then after a look at the sky, Jamie pulled the canvas back over the supports too and tied it down.

“It looks like it could rain again too, and I don’t want to do this in the rain.”

About three hours later, Adam awoke to find Jamie sitting in the back of the wagon reading by the light of a lantern with the canvas pulled tightly closed and to the steady drum of rain. Jamie looked up as Adam shifted and grunted a bit as his stiffness and his painful injury reminded him not to move so quickly.

“Are you all right?”

“I’m fine. I have a busted rib, and I’m cooped up in a wagon sitting on a mountain in the rain. Why wouldn’t I be fine?”

“It could be worse.”

“Worse?”

“You could be here with no books, it could be cold, and you could be alone instead of with the best youngest brother a man could have.”

Starting to laugh, Adam had to grab his side because of the pain that caused. He still grinned though. “If you were the best youngest brother, you wouldn’t make a man with a broken rib laugh, would you?”

“I guess not, but seeing as how I don’t know you that well yet, I didn’t know what would make you laugh.”

“You know, Jamie, I don’t know whether you would make a better lawyer or a doctor, but I have the feeling you could be just about anything you would want to be.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. I haven’t known you long, but my experience so far has taught me that you have an agile mind. You grasp concepts quickly and easily.”

“I’ve hardly been to school. I go here most of the time, but I’m hardly the best student there.”

“That kind of education can be gained anywhere and anytime. What I’m talking about are things that a man has that no one can teach him. You have some of those qualities. What have you thought about doing when you grow to be a man?”

“I don’t know. I guess I was so happy being a Cartwright, I just thought that’s what I’d be for my whole life.”

“Jamie, there are different ways of being a Cartwright. I waited too long to explore those possibilities. Don’t let yourself get caught living someone else’s dream.” The raised eyebrows let Jamie know there was a lot to those statements.

“Adam, I know it probably isn’t my place, but I have a question about you and your life that the whole family wonders about. Can I ask it?”

“You can ask.” Left hanging, of course, was whether it would be answered.

“Adam, are you still married to Diane? Pa says you don’t say anything in your letters about her any more, and he’s afraid to ask.”

“We are still married.” Then as if relenting a little, Adam added only one more item. “We still have a house we share, but with my work, I’m gone a lot.”

“Hoss said the two of you were spies who worked for the government and that’s how you met.”

“Perhaps Hoss talks too much sometimes.”

It was clear that Adam didn’t want to talk about that any more so Jamie dropped the topic although his curiosity was even greater now that he had a few more hints that there was a much bigger story there than any of the family knew. At that point, Adam moved to push the blankets away.

“You should keep those on you. It’s cold and damp since it started raining.”

“I don’t know. I feel warm enough.”

Reaching out, Jamie touched his brother’s arm and was worried. “You’re hot.”

“I thought I mentioned that.”

“No, I mean you’re way too hot. I’m sitting here without a blanket and wearing my coat feeling a little bit of a chill. You shouldn’t be that hot. You’ve got a fever.”

Touching his own cheeks and forehead, Adam shrugged. “You may be right. Not much we can do about it.”

“I should tell Hop Sing.”

“Listen, he can’t do anything about it in this rain. His usual method is to brew up some concoction.”

“With all the rain we’ve had, we set up a cooking tent. He’ll be able to do whatever he needs to do. I’m going to go tell him.”

Unable to stop him nor convince him to stay, Adam could only sit there and fume. He didn’t like being fussed over and had been well aware that morning already that he was developing a fever. He had surreptitiously checked his wound and not found any undue tenderness or swelling so had decided not to say anything to anyone. Now Jamie had figured it out. He sighed deeply as he remembered his own words that the boy was smart. It was only a few minutes it seemed and Hop Sing was climbing in the back of the wagon. He told Adam to open his shirt and he began undoing the bandages.

“It’s not the wound. I checked.”

“I check. Number one son not always tell all.” After peeling back the bandages, Hop Sing gently probed the area around the wound and Adam reacted only mildly. Satisfied that Adam had been correct, Hop Sing used clean bandages he had brought and redid the wrapping. As he did so, he checked Adam’s abdomen for any sign of internal bleeding and checked his heart rate as well.

“You eat lunch?”

“Yes, I ate lunch, and I didn’t get sick. I’m fine.”

There were those words again, and even Jamie recognized them for what they were. Something was wrong, but they didn’t know what it was. Adam’s fever continued to rise. That night, Ben was worried and decided that he and Jamie would take Adam back to the ranchhouse the next day. They would summon the doctor.

“Hop Sing, I know you can take good care of him under normal circumstances, but these are not normal circumstances. He should be in a warm bed and not the back of a wagon. You have so much other work to do as well.”

“Who cook for you? Who take care when you back at house?”

Smiling slightly, Ben asked the question he thought would resolve the matter. “Which cousin should I ask to come help us out?”

With the issues settled, they headed for the ranchhouse with Adam and the rustler in the back. The outlaw wasn’t doing well and most expected he wouldn’t make it. He was hardly awake at all and Adam slept most of the trip too so Jamie and Ben had time to talk quietly. It was then that Jamie mentioned to Ben that Adam had been sleeping more than Jamie expected from the wound and injury he had. It was news the doctor found important too when it was relayed to him after Ben went to town to get him. He spent more time checking out Adam in general than he did in looking at the wound specifically and that led to the diagnosis.

“He’s sick more than anything. He was probably coming down with something before he was wounded. He’s thinner than I remember and those dark circles under his eyes seem to indicate he probably hasn’t been sleeping well either. I’d say he probably hasn’t been eating and sleeping as he should have been. It probably set him up for an illness and he got one.”

“Paul, I’m right here.”

“Sorry, Adam, I guess old habits do die hard. Were you feeling tired and perhaps achy for a few days before you had the encounter with the outlaws?”

“Maybe. I was in the mountains for a week though so it was cool and damp much of the time. It was hard riding. It would be hard to tell whether it was that or feeling something more than that.”

Still very concerned because of the high fever, Ben has a question too. “Is he getting better now?”

“At this stage, I can’t tell whether he’s coming down with it or recovering. It may take a day or two to know that. If the fever rises or more symptoms appear, then it’s only developing. It could be a number of things. It could be a simple cold and he’s already seen the worst of it.”

It wasn’t the worst of it though as Adam suffered through bouts of nausea and chills over the next couple of days. Three days after arriving at the ranch house, he asked his father for a cup of tea or broth.

“I think I can keep it down now. I feel a little better this morning.”

“Good. We’ll try that. Then we’ll get you cleaned up and clean up your bed and this room. It smells like a sick man has been staying here.”

Shrugging slightly, Adam closed his eyes. He couldn’t argue with that at all. As Ben left to get the warm drink, Jamie arrived.

“I’m ready to take over. Pa, you need to get some sleep.”

“He’s feeling a bit better. I’ll get him something to drink. Then we’ll clean him up and clean up the bed and his room. When that’s done, I’ll be able to get some sleep.”

As Jamie watched Ben go down the hall, he made a decision and hurried into the room working as fast as he could. Adam peered out at him a few times and smiled slightly guessing correctly as to what he was doing. By the time Ben got back, the room was straightened up and Jamie was helping Adam into a clean nightshirt. There was a stack of things out in the hallway that had been cleared from the room.

“Jamie, we should clean him up before we do that.”

“I did that, Pa. Adam said he wouldn’t mind. He sat on the side of the bed and did what he could and I did the rest. He said he could sit here too while we change out the sheets and blankets. I brought clean ones in.”

There was a sheen of sweat on Jamie’s face letting his father know how hard he had been working for the twenty minutes his father had been gone until Hop Sing’s cousin could brew up some broth and tea and get a tray ready. He set the tray down on the side table that was now clear of all the detritus of the past few days.

“Once we get him back into the bed and covered, you can give him something to drink and I’ll open the window a little to start airing out the room a bit.”

“Not too much at once. He could get a chill and we don’t want to do anything at this point to set off the fever again.”

“No, sir, I’ll only open it a crack. I know we don’t want to give him a chill. I’ll stay with him too to make sure. I’ll clear away all that stuff in the hall and be back.”

So they did all of that to Adam’s mild amusement seeing his father take instructions from the youngster. Ben noticed.

“He’s like you in some ways. He likes to take charge, and he’s got an organized way of thinking and planning.”

“I noticed that too.”

“You like him?”

“I do. He’s a good little brother to have.” Looking closely at his father then, Adam had a suggestion. “Pa, you look about as tired as I feel. Why don’t you go rest? Jamie can help me with this if I need it.”

“Would you like me to shave you?”

“Yes, but not now. It’s a week’s worth of growth now and will take a bit to clean up. We can do it later.”

About that time, they heard the sound of a carriage and then voices downstairs. Assuming it was the doctor, neither one reacted much until there was a woman at the door. Ben responded first standing and greeting her with a nervous glance at Adam.

“Diane, you got here quickly.”

“Pa, you had no right.”

“Adam, she had a right to know.”

Taking the cup from Ben’s hands, Diane had a request. “Ben, perhaps you could leave the two of us alone for a moment?”

All Ben could do was agree. He handed over the cup and wished her well before leaving and pulling the door closed behind him. He met Jamie in the hall who asked with his eyebrows if that was Adam’s wife. Ben nodded and the two walked down the stairs wondering what kind of conversation was being had in that room.

 

Chapter 4

Inside the bedroom, Diane moved to sit next to Adam who had leaned back into the pillows exhausted. Her heart went out to him, but one would have been unable to tell by her reaction as she sat and waited patiently for him to open his eyes. When he did and looked at her, she was impassive. She didn’t want to open up too much and let him know how much she still cared and how much he could still hurt her. Of course, he could guess that much by the fact that she had traveled from their home in California to see him as soon as Ben had said that he was wounded and ill. She may not have let her feelings show, but she was worried at his appearance. Pale and thinner than she had seen him in some time, he probably hadn’t been eating or sleeping well even before he became ill, and she guessed correctly that some or perhaps all of that was because of her. The weeks growth of beard accentuated how much older he looked too with all the changes that had occurred.

As she sat there, Adam thought of all the things he could say to spark another argument with her. It was what they had done mostly of late. However, he didn’t want one more of those. He had taken the job he had because he wanted to be gone more often so he wouldn’t have to face going home and seeing her sad eyes blaming him or challenging him. Guilt, sorrow, and anger had been eating away at him for too long. Now she was here and all those feelings were back with no way for him to escape. He had to look at her and face them again. So he did but saw something there that he hadn’t seen in some time and wasn’t sure he was even seeing it. It seemed that in her eyes, there was a look as if she was feeling something more kindly toward him. He hardly dared hope it was true. Ever since she had lost that second baby and accused him of being the cause of her broken heart for the second time and rejected any advance he tried to make, he hadn’t seen a tender look from her. Finally she spoke and at least it wasn’t an accusation or complaint. It was neutral enough that they could talk or he hoped that was true.

“What has the doctor said?”

“He thought I was coming down with something when I was wounded. Being shot and losing blood probably made things worse.”

“Probably?”

There was even a hint of a smile on her lips. He began to hope that this visit at least could be pleasant enough. He didn’t have the energy for anything more.

“Yes, probably.” And he smiled at her to let her know he got the humor of it.

“You’re thin and tired looking. I’m glad you’re here so you can get the best of care.” Diane paused for a moment. “Would you like me to help you shave or shave you?”

“I would appreciate that. Pa offered but he tends to have not so tender a touch as you do.” That at least got a genuine smile from her.

“The red-headed boy must be Jamie?”

So they had a discussion about the youngest Cartwright and Adam told her his impressions of the youngster. She expressed an interest in talking with him, and Adam thought Jamie would like that. He told her about how they had first met and the boy’s coolness under fire at such a young age. Diane guessed that was probably a lot like Adam had been at that age too and said so.

“Maybe you see a lot of you in him.”

“I don’t know. Maybe you’re right.” He paused only a moment and then plunged on. “I am tired though. I hope you don’t mind, but I think I need to sleep.”

“And if you don’t mind, I’ll sit here with you for a bit.”

“I don’t mind.” In fact, he was rather pleased and refrained from saying anything about it being the first time they had been together in a bedroom for almost two years. It wasn’t exactly how he had hoped to be together again sometime, but it was a first step perhaps. He fell asleep hoping it was true even if he wouldn’t say that to anyone.

Downstairs, Jamie was bursting with questions but didn’t know if any were appropriate for him to ask so he simply asked if the woman up there with Adam was Diane. Ben smiled knowing how curious Jamie was and said he would explain a little.

“When Adam came back here and then Diane joined him, they were planning to stay. However Adam wanted to start a business and he found he couldn’t do that as successfully as he wanted here. They moved to California and it seemed things were going well right away. He set up an office and had work to do, he built them a house, and he had men working for him. He had time to negotiate contracts for us or handle other legal matters as they arose. It was working out very well.”

“What happened?”

“At first, it was very good news. Diane was with child, but shortly before the child was to be born, something went wrong. The child was stillborn and they knew it well before the baby was born. The doctor could detect no life in the child for a month before she delivered it.”

“She was carrying a dead baby that long? That must have been terrible.”

“Yes, you can imagine the difficulties of that and the emotional toll. Soon after that, perhaps only four months later, we got word that she was with child again.”

“That was awful fast.”

“Yes, apparently too fast. She lost that baby only a few months later to miscarriage. It was devastating to both because it was well after the quickening so that baby was another one that they mourned. We hardly heard from Adam for months after that. I wrote and asked if I could visit and never got a response. Then we got one of those short letters that he put someone else in charge of his business and took a job with the Treasury Department again. It meant a lot of travel all across the western states and territories. It meant he was gone from home more than he was there.”

“You think there’s trouble between them.”

“We haven’t been invited to their home and they haven’t visited here. Adam doesn’t write much, but when he does, he never mentions her. Hoss asked and he said he was still married and still had the house. That’s why I sent the wire and I knew where to send it.”

“But if there’s trouble between them?”

“She is still his wife and has a right to know if he’s hurt and ill. Anything else was up to her.”

“And she came here so that means something. Doesn’t it?”

“It does, but I don’t know if my obstinate oldest son will accept how important that is. He has a tendency to bury his hurt and hide his feelings.” Ben smiled softly at Jamie. “Seems to me, the more I think about it, the more I see a resemblance between the two of you especially if I compare you at the same age.”

“Pa, we don’t look alike at all.”

“Ah, but to a father’s eye, you do. In many ways, you do.”

With a crooked little grin, Jamie felt a little pride in that and a greater sense of belonging. He leaned on the stair banister and looked upward wondering how his oldest brother was faring even as Ben smiled more broadly seeing him lean like that. He didn’t say anything but wondered what Hoss and Joe would make of his observations. They weren’t due back from the roundup for a few more days. Then they would be gone on the drive for weeks. He had thought about letting Jamie go on this one, but now he thought it might be best to keep him home to help. However he wasn’t sure how to bring up that topic until Jamie broached the subject.

“Pa, I’ve been thinking. With Adam here and needing some care, and now Diane here as a guest, you probably will need some help. Maybe I ought to think about not going on the drive and staying here to help out instead.”

The way Jamie said it let Ben know that he was torn between the two choices. He decided to make it easier for him. “Jamie, I really would appreciate you staying to help me if you wanted to do that. Now, you don’t have to do it because I know how much you wanted to go on the drive. However, Adam doesn’t visit much and we do a drive once or twice a year. You’ll have more chances to do those than you may wish for in a lifetime.”

Frowning for only a moment, Jamie’s expression softened into a smile. “But this is something that will only happen once maybe. Yeah, I’ll stay here. I want to stay here.”

“Good, let’s go talk to Hop Sing’s cousin about ordering more supplies now that there will be four of us here instead of only me. He’ll be happy to know he will have work for an extra month too. I’ll toss in a little bonus if he starts complaining.”

“He always starts complaining, Pa. I think he knows you’ll do that.”

“I know. I figure it into how much I’m going to pay in salary total. It’s like a game we play. I make an offer. He accepts. He complains. I throw in the bonus. He smiles like he won, and we’re all happy.”

“I’ll remember that. Is that a trick to negotiating?”

“Sometimes it is.”

Later, Ben went through something similar but not nearly so pleasant when he wondered where to put Diane’s bags. He knocked on Adam’s door and found the two of them sitting silently.

“Diane, would you like me to put a cot in here for you or should I make up a guest room for you?”

“She doesn’t need a cot in here.”

As Adam was a bit surly in his response, neither Ben nor Diane wanted to say anything at that moment. Ben simply set Diane’s bags in the room and left pulling the door closed once more. He guessed the two of them would have to work that out and wouldn’t be silent much longer. They were silent for a short time though until Diane opened the conversation.

“You didn’t have to snap at him. He doesn’t understand the situation.”

Pausing because he regretted how he had spoken earlier but unsure of how to proceed, Adam finally only said a little. “A husband and wife should be able to share a bed without fighting.”

“They should.”

It was a truce of sorts, but it was the most they had conceded to each other in quite some time so it was progress. When it was time for dinner, Diane went downstairs and said that Adam thought he might like some biscuits or bread if they had any. She brought up a tray with a biscuit and preserves, soup and small chunks of bread to dunk, and tea. She helped Adam to eat, and although he couldn’t eat all of it, he ate quite a lot before he said he had enough.

“I’m going to go get something to eat now and I’ll be back. Is there anything you’d like before I go?”

Once she got him a book to read and turned up the lamp, he was smiling at her. It was more progress. They were more comfortable with each other than they had been and it was only the first day. That night, more progress was made. First Diane shaved him and he thanked her and told her how much better that made him feel. She was amazed at how intimate that act was. Then when Diane changed from her dress into a sleeping gown, Adam watched every step. She knew he was watching and took care to be as feminine as she could be in every step. After she brushed out her hair, she tied it in one long loose braid and slid into bed after turning down the lamps. They lay awkwardly beside each other as if they had never been to bed together. Both knew nothing was going to happen, but they had not shared a bed in two years. Closing their eyes and falling asleep took some time. Later that night, Diane rolled over in her sleep and wrapped her arms around Adam’s arm as she rested her head against his shoulder. He awakened at the movement and the touch. It felt very good and natural. He lay awake a long time enjoying the sensation and wondering what he should do next and what he could say. By the time he fell asleep, he had no answers to his questions.

The next day, Hop Sing was at the house with the chuckwagon muttering to himself as he packed the wagon with supplies from the storehouse and his kitchen. Ben and Jamie walked out to greet him and ask why he was doing that as the drive wasn’t set to start for another four or five days.

“Number two son say it gonna rain more and we start now. He already go. I meet them tonight he say.”

About that time, Joe rode into the yard. “Howdy, Pa. We’re getting more horses for the remuda. I suppose Hop Sing told you what we decided to do. If Jamie can get his things together, he can ride with us. Otherwise, he can go with Hop Sing.”

“Jamie is staying here with me.”

“Hoss wants to stick around too to help out. He’s going to help us get everything started and then head back here in a few days. Candy and I can handle the drive.”

“It’s not necessary.”

“We both thought it would be best, and the drive isn’t that big that Candy and I can’t do it.” Noticing the carriage by the stable then, Joe pointed to it. “Guests?”

“I sent a wire to Diane that Adam was ill. She came here.”

“Oh, boy, I bet that was some meeting. Say, how is Adam? I should have asked right away, but you didn’t look worried so I figured he was all right.”

“He was quite ill, but he is recovering now.”

“Good. What about the other one?”

“I brought him into Roy. I don’t think he’s going to make it. He was pretty sick.”

“That’s too bad. They died over stealing some cows. All they had to do was ride away and they could have lived. Instead they tried to kill us and ended up getting killed. Sometimes people make some really bad choices.”

“Yes, they do.” Ben’s thoughts turned to Adam and Diane although he said nothing more.

“Listen, I need to go if we’re going to catch up today. I still want to stop at home to see Alice. Tell older brother I’m glad he’s feeling better. I hope he’s still here when we get back. See you in a few weeks, I hope. Say howdy to Diane for me too. I always liked her. He’s lucky to have her. She’s probably too good for him though.”

“Joseph!” All Ben got for that was a broad grin and Joe was gone. Jamie looked at his father who was obviously displeased with Joe. Ben sighed guessing Jamie’s question. “I’m sure that Joe blames the trouble in Adam’s marriage on Adam. He doesn’t accept that it could be a two-way street.”

“Pa, Joe always seems to have some kind of issue with Adam. Why do you think he does that?”

“They’re two sides of the same coin. They share a lot of the same characteristics but they’re opposites in some ways too which has always made it difficult for the two to understand each other. They have a tendency to look at things in different ways. They’re better together than separate, but I’m not sure either one accepts that either.”

“Joe is enthusiastic and brings a lot of excitement to everything, but I could see where Adam’s logic and the way he kind of questions everything would be a good balance to that.”

“Impressed with Jamie’s understanding of his two brothers even though he had known Adam only a short time, Ben agreed. Yes, Joe’s life would have less misadventure and Adam would have more joy if they could learn to work together more smoothly.” A deep sigh and a shrug was all that was left. It was unlikely that would ever happen.

 

Chapter 5

Inside the house, Diane was helping Adam with necessary things. He complained about the nightshirt and how it got in the way of everything and how his father had put it on him.

“I could help you take it off.”

“Really?” Grinning conspiratorially at her, he gave her a pleading look. “Please?”

It took a little bit of doing because he had to stand first so she could pull it up more, and then he had to sit because he was too tall for her to pull it up and over his head when he was standing. She also didn’t want him to have to move his left arm too much so they were careful and took their time. When it was done, she was very close to him and he wrapped an arm around her waist. Unfortunately that made her tense up a little so he released her but at least she didn’t step away from him.

“Diane, what happens when we go home?”

“What do you mean?”

“Will things change?”

Her voice changed then and he knew the answer before she said it. “I don’t know that anything has to change. We can be civil to each other though and have a better relationship. We can talk like we used to talk.”

“You can share my bed here where nothing can happen, but when I’m home and could touch you or hold you, we’ll be back in separate rooms?”

“It’s too soon.” Stepping away from him then and turning so he wouldn’t see the tears even though he would know they were there, she said no more.

“Diane, it’s been two years.”

“Two years or twenty, I’ll never forget.”

“I’m not asking you to forget.”

“Aren’t you? Isn’t that what you did? Buried it and acted like nothing had happened? Well, I can’t do that. I have feelings.” She left the room then unwilling to have that same conversation again.

Ben was entering as she left and saw the tears. Seeing Adam sitting naked on the side of the bed, he incorrectly assumed that Adam had done something to upset her. He looked like he was going to give a lecture, but Adam held up a hand.

“Not now. You don’t understand.”

“No, I don’t understand. Maybe it’s time you tried to help me understand. For two years, I haven’t seen you except for a brief visit when I’m traveling. I haven’t seen Diane at all until now. You hardly communicate at all in your letters. They could be written by some neighbor of yours for all they tell us of your life.” Ben could see Adam struggling with what for him was a lifelong issue. He had never found it easy to talk of how he felt or explain what was bothering him especially when he was challenged as Ben had done. Knowing Adam wanted to strike out in anger to make the damn questions go away because he was hurting too, but at the same time, he needed someone to understand. Carrying the burden alone for two years without anyone’s help was getting to be too much for him. His request let Ben know that he was considering what to say and buying time to think about how to say what was most difficult to say. He started with a simple request.

“Could you help me back into the bed first? These covers get all tangled when I try to do it by myself.” Seeing his father eyeing the discarded nightshirt, Adam had to let a small smile break through. “No, I don’t want the nightshirt. I want to be more comfortable than that.

So Ben helped him slide back into the bed and up against the pillows and pulled the sheet and blanket up to his chest. He sat in the chair by the bed and waited. He had heard Adam use the word ‘first’ and expected he was going to get an answer and was going to wait until he got it.

“No reprieve for me is there?”

‘No, you’ve used up all the mercy in this court. It’s time.”

“You must know how devastated we were when we lost the first baby.”

“Yes, I can imagine that especially how horrific that last month must have been.”

“It was a nightmare. Everyday over and over, to see Diane touch her swollen belly and have tears roll down her cheeks because she knew that baby was gone broke my heart. There was nothing I could do. The doctors said the safest thing to do was to wait and let nature take its course. Right on schedule, everything happened like you would expect. However, there was no excitement, no joy. There was only dread. Do you know the horrible feeling that there is when the doctor says that the head is showing and you can’t help it and look down to see your dead baby for the first time?”

“Adam, you didn’t let Diane look too, did you?”

“I tried to stop her, but she had a right to know. She wouldn’t listen to me when I told her she didn’t want to see. She said it was her baby and she was going to see him. She named him then and there too. She called him Michael. We buried him with that name. When that was over, the doctor said to wait for relations. He said six weeks. Pa, I think she marked the calendar to the day. She was insatiable. Now I know she wanted another baby and that’s what happened, but it was too soon. She wasn’t strong enough. The signs were bad from the start. The doctor told her but she wouldn’t listen. She said she would carry that one and have a healthy baby. She didn’t gain weight like you would think and there was bleeding on and off.”

“I know what happened next, but how did that affect your marriage so much?”

“She doesn’t want to take the chance on carrying another baby. She said there was only one way to prevent that. I came home one day and my things were in a guest bedroom. She said that we would share the house and live as husband and wife except there would be no physical contact.”

“No contact not even a hug? So you couldn’t offer any comfort to her either?”

“None. She said she knew what I was like. I said I could offer her comfort at least, and she said that was only what I would do to get close to her and then take it further. She said she knew what I wanted. Of course, it’s what any husband wants with his wife.”

“I could see where that could create tension.”

“We argued about that and just about everything else many times until the atmosphere in the house was unbearable. When I got the offer from the Treasury Department, she told me to take it. I knew she wanted me out of the house then. Having me in a separate bedroom wasn’t enough. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said no. So that’s where we stand.”

That was a revelation to Ben about the job Adam had because he had assumed Adam had pursued that job in order to escape the situation. He inclined his head toward the door where Diane had left. “Now?”

“She stayed here with me last night. I asked if I went home with her, would anything change. She said no. I didn’t like that answer.”

“You argued?”

“We did. She thinks I have no feelings. She thinks I’ve forgotten about our lost babies because I have gone on with my life. My life is empty. I have no wife except in name. I have two dead children. I have a house but not a home.”

“She did come here as soon as she heard you were hurt and ill.”

“I honestly don’t know why.”

“But you do. Diane is here, and she is sharing your bedroom. Hopefully that will continue.” Ben saw the raised eyebrow but chose to continue. “What the two of you need to do is talk and not fling accusations at each other. If you could tell her some of what you told me about how you feel perhaps her heart would open to you at least a little.”

“I don’t think anything I have to say is going to change her mind at all. It’s her heart that’s set against me and against the world, I guess, because they took two babies from her.”

Outside, Diane had fled as far as the corral and leaned against the fence staring at the horses especially enthralled by the mares with their offspring. Watching as the young ones danced about but always stayed close to their mothers, her heart hurt. Jamie came up beside her not knowing at all how she was feeling or why.

“They’re real cute, aren’t they?”

“Yes, oh, the little ones, yes, they are.” Diane kept her eyes focused on the horses and the youngsters frolicking about so Jamie wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes.

However Jamie had heard the catch in her voice. “Missus Cartwright, I can get one of them over here for you to touch if you want. Sugar will come if I call her especially if I show her this apple I brought. Her colt will come with her because I get her to come over her at least once a day usually.”

“I’d like that, Jamie, and you can call me Diane.”

“I’d like that too, Diane.” Climbing up one rung on the fence, Jamie showed the apple to Sugar who immediately put her head up but was a little reluctant seeing a stranger next to Jamie. “Stand real still until she’s over here. She’s nervous because she doesn’t know you. I’m going to break the apple in two and let you feed half of it to her. That should take care of things for her.”

It worked that way too as Jamie fed her half the apple and then had Diane show her the other half.

“Go ahead now, Diane. Feed it to her just like I did.”

“Oh, that tickled a little.”

“Yeah, she’s real gentle when she takes an apple. She likes them too much to do anything to hurt the one who brings her one.”

The little colt was curious and poked its nose through the fence to see Diane who stroked his head and talked softly to him. They were the best of friends very quickly. Sugar liked the care her colt was getting and Jamie stroked Sugra’s cheek as he watched Diane with the colt.

“He doesn’t have a name yet. Maybe you’d like to think of one for him.”

“How do you name horses?”

“Usually it’s something about them that makes you think of them. Joe said Sugar liked apples from the time she was a young one. He said you could get her to do anything by offering an apple. It made her easy to train. Joe’s horse is named Cochise because Pa got that one from the Indians. Chub is a bigger horse than normal. Lightning is fast.”

“All right, I get the idea. This one is very curious about people and friendly.”

“Yeah, he’s your little buddy already.”

“That’s it. Why don’t we call him Little Buddy? Is there a Little Buddy here yet?”

“No, not that I know of. I’ll ask, but otherwise, I suppose we could call him that.”

“You’re frowning.”

“Diane, he isn’t going to stay little. I mean, look at Sugar. She stands pretty tall and his father is tall too. He won’t be little so that name won’t fit him when he’s fully grown.”

“Hmm, that’s true. Jamie, did you have an idea for naming him?”

“I was thinking at one point maybe naming him after one of the Three Musketeers.”

“Oh, which one? No, let me think. Hmm, I bet it’s Aramis.”

Grinning in astonishment, Jamie had to ask. “How did you guess that?”

“Flashy, friendly, likes to show off, and will definitely be popular with the ladies so who else could it be?”

The two shared a chuckle then and agreement on the name. Diane leaned down and looked the colt directly in the eyes and told him his name was Aramis. In the house, Ben heard the laughter and looked out the window of Adam’s room.

“You should see this. Diane and Jamie seem to have hit it off and they’re laughing together by the corral.”

“Really? Could you help me out of bed now?”

Helping Adam get out of bed, into his robe, and then to a seat by the window, Ben was rewarded with the smile and intense interest Adam showed as he watched his wife at the corral with Jamie. He knew then without a doubt that Adam still loved her deeply. She had come at once when he wired her that Adam was wounded and sick so she still cared deeply too. What he didn’t know was how to push the two of them back together again. There seemed to be an insurmountable barrier between them at the moment. All he could do was give little nudges now and then. That happened at lunch when Diane offered to let him take the tray up to Adam.

“Oh, I’d like to do that, but I had a long visit with Adam this morning, and I couldn’t monopolize his time like that. No, my dear, lunch and dinner are your time. I wouldn’t think of interfering or letting anyone else interfere.”

Diane’s look had gone from hopeful to resigned. She was going to have to face Adam after what she had said that morning and still had no way to explain herself or why she had said it. All she could think on the way up the stairs was it was likely going to be another difficult and perhaps awkward exchange between them. Instead though, Adam asked about the colt and about Jamie and kept the conversation light so they could talk pleasantly. He didn’t stray into dangerous conversational territory even once. She was grateful and gave him a kiss on the cheek when she took his tray to return it to the kitchen. He took her hand and kissed the back of it. It wasn’t much, but she realized later that it was the first physical contact they had had in two years. It had felt good too. In some ways, she felt guilty about that and in others yearned for more.

Later as they ate dinner together, she decided to ask why he had not brought up her hurtful comments from that morning.

“I took the chance that you had not really meant them and only lashed out because you were upset. I do feel great sadness at the loss of our babies.”

She nodded because she didn’t want to have that conversation. Emotions nearly overwhelmed her whenever the thought of discussing that and she was afraid of unleashing what was inside of her. She changed the topic instead offering to shave him again. He agreed grateful that at least he had been able to make that statement without her disagreeing with him. It was another small step. He didn’t know how many it was going to take, but they were at least on the road together. If they could stay together like this for a few weeks, then perhaps there was a chance they could get into a more in-depth discussion of their relationship too. At least he hoped so. Diane took their trays down to the kitchen after helping him shave. When she came back, they went through the same routine as the previous night. Adam was beginning to feel better and with Diane in the same bed, he went to sleep with a smile.

Sleep didn’t come as easily to Diane. There had been a moment that day when she had almost wrapped her arms around Adam and hugged him. When he had been so understanding that evening, she had wanted to go to him and do the same. She worried that already the barriers she had put up were crumbling which is exactly why she had banished him to a guest room in their home. He simply was too irresistible to her, but if she went down that path, she would be burying another baby she had killed and in her heart, she couldn’t let herself do that. She resolved that in the morning, she would let them know her plans had changed.

 

Chapter 6

The hope Ben had that Adam and Diane would reconcile was almost lost by the next morning. Ben didn’t know what had happened but quite clearly something had changed. Diane stopped at the table as Ben and Hoss were finishing their breakfast. Hoss was there because he had stayed home and let Joe and Candy handle the cattle drive thinking he might be needed at home. Jamie had already left for school. It was clear that Diane had something on her mind as she didn’t sit but stood at a chair and looked nervous.

“Good morning. I have to tell you something. I need to go to town this morning. I think it’s time for me to go back home and I need to buy tickets for the trip. Adam is feeling better, and there’s no need for me to impose on you any longer. I can leave as soon as I can arrange to travel. I would guess I should be able to leave by tomorrow.”

“Diane, there’s no need for you to leave. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you wish. I’m sure Adam would like you to stay longer.”

“I think perhaps I need to make this decision on my own.”

“Can we talk privately?”

Hoss got the message and quickly downed the rest of his coffee. “I gotta head on out to do chores anyway. Why don’t you set yourself down right there and have a cup of coffee with Pa, and you two can discuss whatever needs ta be discussed.” Hoss exited as quickly as he could hoping that he had done so in a way to encourage Diane to have that talk with his father.

The whirlwind approach worked too. It happened so fast that Diane couldn’t come up with a reason to decline before Hoss was gone. It would have been rude to simply walk away at that point with Ben already pouring a cup of coffee for her. She wrongly assumed that he could not be as persuasive as Adam. That morning, she had awakened with her head on Adam’s shoulder. He had leaned over and kissed her. It was her reaction to him which had frightened her because she had responded with passion for a moment before her fear overwhelmed her as she realized what she was doing. If she kept going that way and letting her impulses guide her, she knew that soon she would be with child again, and nothing was going to let her do that again. She had to keep Adam away from her because she could not bear the pain of losing another child. He had looked so hurt and forlorn for a moment that she had almost relented and explained to him how she felt, but then she knew he would be logical and cajole her and romance her and soon she would be with child. He had power over her and she couldn’t let him near her. She had decided that after her precious second baby had been lost. She wouldn’t let that happen again.

Watching her, Ben was concerned over her emotional state. He saw changes in her demeanor as she pulled out the chair and sat down that worried him.

“My dear, are you feeling all right? You look very worried about something.”

“I’m fine, really. There’s nothing to worry yourself about.”

Observing Diane as she sipped her coffee and was clearly uncomfortable, Ben could tell that she was afraid. He wasn’t sure what the fear was, but he had raised three sons and seen various versions of it in them. Knowing what it was didn’t help him understand the origin of it though and without the cause, he couldn’t help her. Doubting she would confide in him, he decided to tell a story instead.

“My son, Joseph, had a great fear of heights at one time. It was a paralyzing fear to the extent that he avoided any situation that brought him anywhere near having to face it. He succeeded at that for a very long time. However, doing that let that fear grow within him, and when he finally was forced to confront that fear, it made him unable to act. He dropped his rifle and it was at the top of a ridge which he would have to climb to retrieve it. He couldn’t bring himself to do it as the fear wrapped its tentacles around him and held him fast. It affected all of his life. He was angry and upset all the time. He didn’t sleep well. He had trouble with us and with the men. He found food didn’t rest easy in his belly. Finally, he had to confront that fear before it destroyed him. I went to help when I realized what he was doing. He did it. He finally faced down that fear and defeated it which freed him from it. It wasn’t easy and took every bit of his strength to face that fear, but it was worth the struggle because his life was his to determine again.”

Stopping there, Ben sipped his coffee and waited.

“Why did you tell me that story?”

“I think you know. I think you’re terribly afraid of something. I don’t know what it is, but I believe it has fractured your marriage and changed you. It has become the one thing that dominates your thoughts and won’t let you go. If you don’t face it and defeat it, that fear will destroy you. From what I can tell, its done quite a bit of damage already.”

“I’m fine. I got here on my own. I maintain my home without help. How can you say that about me?” As soon as she asked, Diane knew she shouldn’t have, but it was too late.

“You have cut off your relationship to your husband even though by all measures you both love each other yet. You live alone but you are married. You are very thin, and you hardly eat. You are pale, and you don’t look like you have slept well in a long time. Diane, you should see Doctor Martin when he comes here to check on Adam.”

“If it will make you feel better, I can do that, but I can assure you that I am in the best of health.”

Conceding to Ben because she didn’t want to argue which might give away something, Diane did think she could fool the doctor. She had fooled her doctor in California after she had lost the second baby and didn’t think it would be that difficult to do it again. What she didn’t realize at that moment was that she had in effect agreed to stay another day because Doctor Martin wasn’t scheduled to see Adam until the next day. When she went back upstairs, Adam was sitting on the side of the bed.

“What are you doing?”

“I think it’s time for me to be up out of this bed. I know I’ll need some help. Sitting up was difficult enough to do alone.”

“Adam, don’t you think you should let the doctor decide that.”

“He won’t even be here until tomorrow. I doubt he expected me to lie in bed doing nothing until then. Now I don’t plan on anything too ambitious, but surely I can get out of bed, get dressed, and sit in a chair. That sounds reasonable enough, doesn’t it?”

Although she did want to argue with him, he was being logical and careful so she shrugged and began getting clothing for him to wear. It was a bit of a struggle but they did manage to get him fully dressed except he wore slippers instead of boots. When it was time for him to stand and walk though, Diane wasn’t so sure of she was capable of that task.

“I’ll get your father to help.”

“You could do it. I only need someone to steady me.”

“That I can do, but if you do stumble, you don’t really think I could catch you enough to stop you from falling, do you?”

It was Adam’s turn to concede which he did gracefully. When Ben got to the room, he expressed his surprise at seeing Adam out of bed and dressed so there was a repeat of the earlier discussion with a similar conclusion. At its end, Ben helped Adam down the stairs and over to a chair by the fireplace. Diane followed them with the book he had been reading. Once Adam was settled in his chair, she excused herself and went back upstairs to get some things to do. While she was gone, Adam took the opportunity to offer an apology and a thank you.

“Pa, I’m sorry I was sharp with you when Diane arrived. You did the right thing in letting her know what had happened. I’ve been running away from my troubles and having her here made me realize nothing was getting better by how I was handling it.”

“Sometimes it takes someone from the outside to see that.”

“Yes, can’t see the forest with all those trees around you.”

“It does seem that the two of you are being a bit more cordial at least with each other. She’s showing her concern for you.”

“It’s a start. I’m going to keep trying, but she’s got a lot of fear in her. I don’t know if it’s going to let her open up to me.”

“Keep working at it, son.”

“I will. She’s worth it.”

“You’re worth it too. Never forget that. Both of you deserve happiness. Now, how about if I go get us some coffee? You can read your book, and I can get to work.”

The morning passed smoothly with Diane doing her needlework as Adam read and Ben worked at his desk. After lunch, Adam fell asleep in his chair for a short time and then when he woke, opened up his book to read again. When Jamie came home from school, he was surprised to find Adam reading The Three Musketeers.

“Hey, I thought I had your copy of that?”

“I had another in my room here from years ago.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Haven’t you read the books I left here?”

“No, Pa said they were yours.”

“You can read any books I left here. I can send some others too.” That got Jamie grinning. “Now, have you continued with reading your copy?”

Nodding, Jamie moved closer and the two began a discussion of the book. Adam told Diane to join in any time she had anything to add because he knew she had read the book too. After their conversation in naming the colt, Jamie knew it too and wished she would join the conversation, but she declined. However, Ben noted how she seemed to be listening to every word and didn’t understand why she wouldn’t participate. He hoped that perhaps Paul might have some answers for them. Paul was a general practitioner but he had a remarkable ability to see how the mind affected the body, which was invaluable in his work.

Intrigued by the discussion, Hoss moved over and listened in on the conversation. “It sounds like a book I might like ta read too.”

“Hoss, there’s a character in the book that is just like you too. His name is Porthos. Of all the Musketeers, he’s the one who’s got the most powerful body and the strongest moral character.”

“Does he got two younger brothers who give him all sorts of trouble all the time too?”

“No, but he has three great friends. Hey!”

Jamie realized he had been insulted after first starting to seriously answer the question. From that point on, the serious discussion of the book was over and friendly banter took its place. It made for a relaxed atmosphere and a good setting for dinner which was the first that Adam and Diane shared with the family. Jamie talked about school and Hoss talked about what had been happening on the ranch. It was all quite normal. However when Hoss helped Adam to his room and Diane followed them up, it wasn’t so relaxed. With Adam quite obviously feeling better, Diane’s fears were making her feel sick.

“Perhaps I should sleep in a guest room tonight.”

“Nonsense, we’re married and this is our room. You should stay here. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me. I’m not some animal you can’t trust. You should at least know that by now.”

Embarrassed to be understood so clearly, Diane’s first inclination was to be angry except Adam laughed. He wasn’t looking at her as he pulled his shirt off and undid his belt so she wondered what was funny.

“As if I have the strength to do anything anyway. I think I may sleep for ten hours the way I feel now.”

“So it was too much to do so soon.”

“Perhaps it was a little, but it did feel good to be with my family again instead of stuck up here.”

“With me?”

“No, not because you were here but because these four walls were closing in.”

Although Adam wanted to say more, he didn’t. Diane was as skittish as any fawn or newborn kitten he had ever seen. Afraid of making her more so, he refrained from anything he thought might upset her even holding back from saying he loved her. Instead, he pulled back the covers and sat on the side of the bed before turning back to see what she would do. At first, she seemed indecisive but then took her hair down and brushed it out before slipping out of her dress and undergarments before putting on a gown. He enjoyed watching the whole process again but wisely refrained from saying anything. When she moved to the other side of the bed and slid in, he leaned back into his pillow and did the same. They lay in silence until they fell asleep.

As had happened each night, in her sleep, Diane rolled over and snuggled into Adam’s side. Her instincts were still to trust him and be by his side. Why she couldn’t do so in the daylight was a truth that eluded him. He awoke to find her head resting against his shoulder and her hand on his chest. Relaxing quietly, he relished that time and the touch which he needed so much. He guessed she would withdraw as soon as she awoke but was surprised when she awakened and said good morning instead of pulling away first. She asked if he needed her help right away or if she could take care of business first. It was a most practical discussion, but she was there at his side asking instead of standing on the opposite side of the bed. It was progress. That continued as Diane helped him dress which was still time consuming but not as lengthy as the day before because they had learned how best to do things and in what order. By the time Hop Sing announced that breakfast was ready, Adam was ready for Diane to summon his father or brother to help him get down to the dining table.

At breakfast, Adam managed to eat a bit more than he had been eating not only because he was recovering physically but because he was feeling more positive emotionally. He had some hope which he hadn’t had for two years. During the meal though, he was concerned about how quiet Diane was. He wondered why and the only reason he could imagine was that she had agreed to see Doctor Martin. His father had told him that the day when they conversed after Diane had left the room briefly to get her fine work from the bedroom. The only reason he thought she would fear the doctor’s visit was if she had been hiding something, and if that was true, he worried about what it might be. The more he thought about it, the more worried he became and quieter. Ben, Hoss, and Jamie noted the change in demeanor but none knew the reason and only hoped Doctor Martin’s visit could give them some answers. However when they got the answers, it was somewhat of a surprise.

 

Chapter 7

After Doctor Martin’s visit, the whole family had a lot to discuss. Paul gave Diane the news she never expected to hear. He saw through her acting and diagnosed her condition accurately. She was in a state of melancholia because of the loss of her unborn babies, one still born and the other miscarried late in her pregnancy. Knowing from Ben that there had been an estrangement in the marriage, he counseled her to seek solace from her husband and to stop pushing him away. She had reacted badly to that which he had taken stoically.

“Diane, you have confirmed my diagnosis with your reaction and your statements. Your husband is not only thinking of bedding you to make you with child. I am sure he loves you and is concerned about you. You should talk with him and tell him how you feel. As a doctor, I am duty bound to tell him my diagnosis.”

“No, you can’t do that.”

“He is legally responsible and has a right to know. I must tell him. I won’t tell him everything you said. I will only tell him my diagnosis that you are in a state of melancholia due to the loss of your babies. I will state that and nothing more. You need to tell him the rest.”

“I can’t.”

“I know you can and you must. Your health and his depend on it.”

“His?”

“Diane, look at him. He is thinner and he doesn’t look well. It isn’t only the wound he had. He took longer to recover from that than I expected. He was not in good health when he was hurt. I doubt that he has been eating or sleeping properly for a long time. Yes, not only you but Adam are suffering through this. For both your sakes, talk with him. I trust that the two of you can find a way through this. You both have a strong family here too to help you. You should take advantage of that.”

Doctor Martin had asked to speak privately with Adam before leaving. He had examined him first and found the wound healing well and the rib well on its way to mending. He had told Adam that he could resume activities as long as he felt no discomfort while doing them so he didn’t think there would be any problem with Adam talking with Diane. It would be an emotionally taxing endeavor but not physically a problem. So Adam had gone to see Diane. She had not wanted to speak at first but because he already knew so much, it did come pouring out in anger and with tears. She accused him of only wanting to be with her for sexual gratification and admitted her fear that it would lead to another pregnancy and another baby being lost.

Stunned, Adam didn’t know how to respond at first. “I do want to be with you, but I thought you wanted to be with me too. I would never do anything that you didn’t want me to do. I would never force you even if we are married. I am not that kind of man. I thought you would know that by now.”

He waited for a response and when he got none, he had another idea. Diane wouldn’t look at him and that was to him a sign that she was trying to hide something from him. “Or is it that you don’t trust yourself with me? Are you afraid that if we’re together, you would give in to your own desires and somehow that would be wrong?”

Whirling on him, Adam could see she wanted to say something, but he knew he had hit the mark with that one when she said nothing but turned her head away from him instead of responding to him as she had wanted to do.

“There are things we can do to try to prevent a baby if that’s what you want.”

In a voice choked with emotion, Diane said the one thing she thought she could say without giving away too much. “But you want children.”

“I have to admit that I do, but I want you as my wife more than anything. If we cannot have children, well, then that may be our fate. We already lost two so maybe that is what is meant for us anyway.”

“We didn’t lose two. I lost two.”

“No, we lost two. You accused me of having no feelings, but that was because I was trying to be strong for you. I felt those losses too. I had hopes and dreams too. No, I didn’t suffer the physical loss and there is no way that I can feel what that was like for you, but you have to understand that I did suffer the losses.”

Staring at him then after hearing the catch in his voice as he said those things, Diane was shaken. She had not thought much about Adam’s losses but only her own. She began to wonder too about Ben’s losses as he had so much wanted those grandchildren. Joe and Alice had a child but Ben had written his congratulations when they had let him know about that first child on the way. His letter had been full of his excitement that his firstborn son would have a child. Then there was none. She realized Ben had felt that loss too. Doubt about her own thoughts and feelings finally began to assert themselves.

“Maybe I’ve been very selfish.”

“Maybe you needed to be, but perhaps now we need to look forward to see where we go now and what we do next.”

“Paul thought we should stay here for awhile and take advantage of your family’s strength until we’re both better able to handle things.”

Pausing to consider that, Adam had no argument to use against the idea. “That might be best. We don’t seem to have done too well on our own. Pa will probably like hearing that we may make it an extended stay. Perhaps we could tell him a month?”

Taking time to consider his proposal, Diane was equally at a loss to offer any objection. “That sounds about right. I think we could both be feeling a lot better by then.”

“I’d like to be able to tell him the basics of what Paul said. They’re going to be very curious so it would likely be best to tell the family that much and then there won’t be any of that questioning and probing to try to find out what is going on.”

“All right, you can tell them, but only the diagnosis. I don’t want them to know all the things we discussed.”

“I don’t want them to know all of it either.” Pausing for a moment, Adam wanted to be sure of one more thing. “And we’ll stay together here and work things out?”

He got the first genuine smile he had gotten from her in quite a while. “Yes, I actually have enjoyed waking up beside you each morning. I’ve slept better with you beside me than I have for a very long time as long as you understand what I want and we will do what you said about that.”

“You know I will. It’s a promise, and you do know how I stand on those. There, we’re making progress already.” Diane got an answering dimpled smile.

Quite concerned when he heard the diagnosis, Ben was somewhat reassured by Adam’s confidence that they were making progress in their relationship and that Diane was already taking steps to come out of the melancholy state. Paul would be their counselor as needed and Ben knew there was none better. Hoss and Joe were told too, and then Adam spent a bit of time explaining the situation to Jamie who didn’t understand the diagnosis. Once he did, he still didn’t understand how someone could get that way but wisely didn’t question Adam about that. Instead he turned to Hoss when he was with Hoss and Joe working away from the house.

“Why wouldn’t she want another baby to love if she lost two? I guess I would think she would want one to give all that love she has left to so it has someplace to go. I lost my Ma and my Pa. When I got a chance to have another Pa, I was so thrilled. I got someone to give all my love to.”

“I remember. I thought we was gonna have all the wood chopped that we needed for nigh onto three winters the way you was going at it. You did everything you could to show how happy you was about it.”

“I was. I bet Diane would be too if she had a baby. I bet she wouldn’t ever stop smiling.”

“Probably not, but it’s the months getting up to having that baby that scares her so. It ain’t gone all that well for her so far. It hurt her somethin’ fierce to lose two of ’em. I guess right now she cain’t face losin’ another.”

“Yeah, and there’s no way to speed that up, is there?”

“Nope.”

About two weeks later though, Jamie had a talk with Adam because he thought he had found a way to speed up that process.

“Adam, in The Three Musketeers, Athos, Porthos, and Aramis kind of adopted D’Artagnan, didn’t they? I was thinking that it was kind of like Pa adopted me. I had all this love to give, and then suddenly, I had this Pa I could love and give all that I had been holding for my Pa and my Ma and I had somebody to give it to.”

“Jamie, if you’re rather broadly hinting that Diane and I should consider adopting a baby, I already brought it up with her and with Doctor Martin. Diane was against it, and when I asked Doctor Martin, he had some reasons he thought it might be a bad idea.”

“Why would he be against it?”

“It is still very early for Diane in her recovery. Lots of things can happen to babies, and I don’t even want to consider what would happen to her if we adopted a baby and then anything happened.”

“Yeah, that would be awful. I see what you mean. That makes sense.”

“I thank you for worrying about us. It shows you care.”

“Of course I care. I think you would make a great father and Diane would be a great mother if she ever had a chance.”

“I think so too, but it may not be in the cards for us.”

“That’s pretty sad.”

“Yes, it is, but we have each other, and we have all of you.”

There was another adopted boy at school and he and Jamie discussed the situation without mentioning Adam and Diane but lamenting the fact that so many children didn’t get adopted especially the older ones. The other boy said not to worry as babies always got adopted by somebody so if one couple didn’t adopt them, someone would. It was older children like them who often spent the rest of their childhoods in orphanages. The two boys talked about how lucky they had been to be the rare ones adopted at an older age. The minister’s son overheard them talking and repeated the conversation that evening at dinner. His parents discussed it and decided it was time to do something about the older children at the orphanage.

“Perhaps we could bring one or two to worship each Sunday so that people could see what nice children they are. If you said something in your sermon that related to the idea of opening hearth and home, maybe someone would consider adopting some of these children.”

“You know many of these children are going to be disappointed. We may get their hopes up and then have them dashed when no one comes forward.”

“True, but they must feel that way every day when they pray for a family and no one comes for them.”

“I suppose that’s true, and at least we will be highlighting the situation. Now, should a little girl about six or seven not have anyone step forward, would you consider her for our family? I wouldn’t want her older than our boys, and we’re past the stage of little ones.”

There were grins all around the table as they considered that. A daughter and younger sister would be a welcome addition that had not previously been considered.

“We can go to the orphanage tomorrow and see about having someone do this if they’re interested.”

That Sunday, when a young girl was introduced in church as an orphan and it was explained that each Sunday, there would be another in church for the members to meet, Jamie had no idea that he had set the process in motion. The little girl, age seven, was astounded to learn that the minister and his family wanted to adopt her. By the end of the day on Sunday, there were arrangements being made for a little girl to join the minister’s family. Congratulations were enthusiastically offered. Ben asked the minister what had inspired such actions. He mentioned the talk his son had overheard at school. It didn’t take Ben long to guess about whom the two boys must have been talking even if names were not used. There would be others who could guess too if the story became public.

“Reverend, please keep that part of the story confidential please. Trust me that there are reasons that I’m asking you to do that.”

Later, Ben had a talk with Jamie who assured him that he had never mentioned Adam and Diane to his friend, but that they had only talked about adoption in general and their adoptions in specific terms.

“Pa, I would never violate Adam’s trust like that. I know that was only for the family.”

“Thank you, Jamie, but I had to be sure. Now, I want to tell you why our minister started this new practice.”

The following Sunday, the man from the orphanage brought two children, a brother and a sister, to church services. The little boy was probably four and the girl was about two. No one knew their exact ages because their parents had been migrants to California and had died of a fever. It seemed most people didn’t want the two thinking that somehow they were unhealthy even though Doctor Martin had assured everyone that they were in perfect health. The man sat in the front pew with the girl on one side and the boy on the other clearly making both unhappy. The little girl whimpered repeatedly and the man sternly cautioned her to be quiet. Her brother looked sadly at her but couldn’t reach her to comfort her. Tears began streaming down the little girls face and she began sobbing quietly as the service started. Standing behind them, the Cartwrights were witnesses to it all. Alice wanted to go to the girl to comfort her, but Joe held her back instead inclining his head toward Diane who was focused on the little girl and nothing else. Alice looked at Joe and whispered only one word.

“Maybe?” Joe shrugged. It was worth a chance.

Standing directly beside Diane, Adam wasn’t as aware of her attention to the little girl as he kept looking at both unhappy children and the man who seemed incapable of doing anything to console either one of them. He wanted to rap the man on the head and tell him to get a heart. He was somewhat startled then when Diane leaned down and picked up the little girl. She hugged her to her and sat down with her. It was all the little boy could do then not to run to them. Instead, Adam reached over and picked him up sitting down next to Diane so the little boy could put his hand on his sister’s back and pat it. She looked at him and he moved over to sit on Diane’s lap too. Diane did her best to hold both of them as the two little ones hugged and then both hugged Diane settling in there for the rest of the service. The Reverend didn’t know what to do at the end of the service when he was going to ask if anyone was going to step forward to adopt the two. Adam leaned toward Diane and whispered.

“Is anyone going to hang onto these children and make them her own or let them go so another family can claim them?”

Turning tear filled eyes to Adam, Diane had questions. “Adam, can we? Do you think I could do it? Could we really adopt two? Would Doctor Martin let me do this?”

By then, Doctor Martin was there as was Ben. Both gave their approval as long as Diane agreed to stay on the Ponderosa for a bit longer until she felt able to handle the situation.

“I don’t know. That could be years.”

“Diane, if it takes years, I think Pa would be thrilled. If need be, I can build us a house, and we can make it work.”

“As soon as I held these children, they felt like my own. Yes, let’s make them our children and be a family.”

With her agreement, Adam stood. “Reverend, we will make these children our own.”

There was quite a lot of commotion then as Ben and the other family members gathered around and offered their congratulations and promises to do all they could to help. Joe and Alice may have been the happiest of all.

“Now our little girl will have someone to play with. It can be difficult for a little girl when the only playmates you have are Jamie and Hoss.”

Laughter greeted Alice’s statement, but there was a lot of truth there too and they all knew it. The family felt more complete now. Jamie especially was happy because to him, adoption was always a positive event or almost always. He knew how good it felt to get a family again after you had lost one. The adoption program continued on and off at the church for years, but nothing ever matched the success of those first two weeks.

 

Chapter 8

The trip out to the ranch didn’t happen for two hours as there were a number of things that had to be done. Joe and Alice went ahead to the ranch with the news and to make preparations for the arrival as much as they could. For the others, papers had to be signed, clothing had to be collected, and several store proprietors were cajoled into opening up briefly so items could be purchased for a celebration on the Ponderosa as well as some additional items the new parents thought they would need for accommodating the two small children at the ranch. The shop owners were paid well for the extra services, and of course, it never hurt to be in the good graces of the Cartwrights.

The two small children stayed seated in the carriage with Diane during all of it not wanting to leave her. Adam stayed by her side as much as possible but couldn’t stay there all the time because his advice was needed on the purchases they were making. Finally with the carriage loaded up, the caravan headed for home. Joe and Alice would be there for the occasion although they usually were there for Sunday dinners anyway, but this time would spend the rest of the day as well.

In the carriage, Adam and Diane were crowded in the back seat with the two children. Adam engaged the little boy in conversation as they rode. His new son became fascinated by all that was happening and had some questions, but Adam had one too. “Son, what’s your name?”

“I dunno. They called me Buddy. That’s all I remember. At the orphanage, they asked me that too. They called me Christopher. I didn’t like it.”

“You don’t remember your name?”

“I can remember Papa called me Buddy.”

“What’s your sister’s name?”

“Papa called her Baby. I call her Sissy.”

“Ah, did you know those aren’t names?”

“That’s what they said at the orphanage. It’s the only ones we got.”

“Would you like to have a real name?”

“Could I pick it?”

“We could talk about that. What name would you like?”

“I dunno. What’s your name?”

“My name is Adam.”

“I like it. How about if I’m Adam then too?”

“Well, that would be confusing. What if someone called for Adam? How would we know which one they wanted?” Adam could see how disappointed he was. “We could make it your middle name. You could have that name as your second name.”

“Adam, I think you should let him have his first choice. He can still be called Buddy so it wouldn’t be confusing.”

Diane was smiling at him and Buddy looked up at him with a hopeful expression. It was a big step to take, but he knew too that it would cement their relationship and show his commitment. He looked at Buddy and grinned.

“I think your new mother has a great idea. She’s a pretty smart lady, you know. What do you think about what she said.”

“I like it. At the orphanage, they said I was smart too. At least they said I was too smart for my own good. Is that the same thing?”

“Probably so. Now we need a name for your sister.”

“Can’t she be Sissy?”

“You can keep calling her that because she’s your sister, but the rest of us have to have something else to call her. Diane, do you have any ideas?”

“I like RoseMary. We can call her Rose. She’s got such a pretty little face, but she’s going to blossom into a real beauty someday.”

“Buddy, do you like that name.”

“It’s pretty. I like it. But I can still call her Sissy, right?”

“What’s everybody’s names?” Buddy pointed at Jamie, Ben, and Hoss.

“That man is Benjamin Cartwright, but you can call him Grandpa.” That led not only to a lot of introductions but also to explanations of what a Grandpa was and what uncles were too. Then Buddy asked if he could call Adam and Diane Papa and Mama. That made all the adults and Jamie choke up.

“Of course you can. In fact, we would like that very much.”

Driving the carriage, Ben had a difficult time concentrating on his task. He was smiling almost constantly as he listened to the conversation behind him and as he thought about all that had happened. He knew there would be struggles, and he knew that Adam and Diane were aware of that too because they had readily agreed to stay on the Ponderosa so that they would have help. However, the family was bigger and better. Jamie sat beside him and spent a lot of time looking back and grinning at the new family members. Ben thought it was going to be a wonderful experience for Jamie to have younger family members to help nurture. He guessed those two children were going to be showered in love.

Riding beside the carriage, Hoss listened too and was even more determined that it was time for him to get serious about finding a wife. It was simply too much to listen to all of this and not want the same for himself. He had been seeing the same lady for quite some time but hadn’t made his intentions known and frankly hadn’t been sure he had intentions. He realized at that moment that he did. Finally he made a decision.

“Listen up. I’m gonna head on over to see Mary Beth.”

“Son, when will you be back?”

“By dinner fur shur, and maybe I’ll have a guest.”

Hoping that meant what he thought it did, Ben turned to Adam and Diane and told them their joy seemed to have spurred Hoss finally to action. “I know the lady, and I think you’ll like her.” Ben looked at Jamie then. “Now don’t you go getting any ideas, young man. You have a lot of years left before you need to think about things like that.”

“No, sir, after what I’ve seen, I may wait a long time to make sure I pick the right one.”

“Pa, I think he’s fitting in just right as one of the Cartwright boys.”

Adam got one of those looks that said he better stop with that comment. “I hope Jamie doesn’t take as long as my older sons to settle down though. I was beginning to think it would never happen.”

“I don’t know, Pa. Would you have been happy with Sue Ellen, or Laura, or perhaps Tirza.”

Diane observed Ben’s shiver at that last one. “Adam, I think there’s at least one story you haven’t told me about your family.”

“There are probably more than that. The way things are going, we may be here for the winter. I’ll have lots of time to tell stories. You might think some of them are tall tales, but I swear they’re true. It’s that hard to believe some of the things that have happened in this family.”

“Sweetheart, someone should write a book about your family. From the stories I know, it would be a fascinating book to read.”

Noting with joy that she had used that term of endearment, Adam didn’t mention it but his expression let her know he heard. “Except I don’t think we want the world to read our story.”

However, Jamie picked up on the idea and had a suggestion. “Adam, maybe we could write it just for the family. You know, write the stories so that the family has them and can pass them down accurately.”

Noting how Jamie had volunteered to help and pleased with that, Ben included him in the planning. “That does sound like a very good idea. I could tell stories about my time at sea and the trip west. Adam could add some to the trip and our building the ranch up from nothing. It would give the younger members of the family and the newer members the same history as everyone else. It would help them have a feeling of belonging.”

Looking down first at Buddy who had fallen asleep against his shoulder with the rocking of the carriage, Adam glanced over at Rose sleeping in Diane’s arms. The two children felt safe for the first time perhaps in a long time. But they had been taken away from their parents by disease and then from the orphanage and were being dropped into the middle of a completely new environment. He knew they might feel lost for a while. Anything that would help them feel that they belonged would be a blessing even if it would be a few years probably before the stories had much meaning for them. He could tell that Diane liked the idea by the hopeful expression she had.

“Jamie, it’s a plan, but Diane and I are going to be too busy for the next weeks and maybe months with our new children. Maybe we could both begin jotting down notes and ideas, and when we get a chance, we could compare our ideas and come up with a plan for writing the Cartwright saga. It’s going to be a long book if we include all the important stories that need to be told including for example how you came to be part of the family.”

“Yes, Jamie, that’s an important part of the story and it’s yours. Perhaps you could start by writing that. You know it best.”

“I’d like that, Pa. And Adam, I like your idea too. We could maybe even talk now and then when you have time about what we’re thinking about stories to write. Do you think we should include Hoss and Joe right away too?”

Favoring Jamie with a proud look, Ben liked the way he was thinking. More and more, he was impressed with his mind and his abilities. He began to wonder if Adam was correct and that Jamie’s future should include college and the chance to pursue a career such as medicine or the law. “I like that too. Maybe we could each write what we know and then hand it over to the two of you to hammer it into shape.”

“Pa, this is sounding like a better idea all the time. By sharing the work, it won’t be such a major job getting it all together.”

However Jamie had a practical concern. “But when we finish it, how will be get it printed so we can all have copies?”

“My company has small manuals printed all the time with all the records of a project for the buyer. I could send it to the small printing company that does that work for us and have it done there. It would probably take some time before they could print it all and have it bound up in books but there’s no rush on a project like this. I’m sure they would appreciate the business too.”

“Good, this evening at dinner, let’s present the idea to your brothers.”

No more was said about that project then and when they got to the house, it was all about introducing the two children to their new home. Rose refused to leave Diane so the two of them headed upstairs to the guest bedroom next door to where Adam and Diane were staying. Buddy though was fascinated by everything and wanted a tour of the place. Adam and Jamie took him for a walk outside first showing him the stable and horses as well as the corral, bunkhouse, and then the other outbuildings and the forge. He wanted to know what everything was and what the purpose of each. Then they headed inside for a tour of the house. Buddy had never seen a house so large. He said he remembered a house but it had been much smaller.

“Sissy and me were in a room together. There was other stuff in there too. Mama and Papa had a room and there was the other room with a stove and table and stuff.”

“You don’t know where that was, do you?”

“It was home. Mama told Papa we had to move soon so I could start school at the new place. I never went to school at our home.”

“At the orphanage, they thought you were four, but if you were going to school, maybe you’re five.”

“I told them I was four. At home, I think I was going to have a birthday and be five. I don’t know when that was going to be.”

Sadly, when the parents of the two young children were found, both were dead and marked by blotches that showed they had a fever that could have been contagious. The people who found them hurriedly buried them and burned their wagon and all their possessions to try to make sure the disease could not spread. The children’s clothing had been burned too and they had been brought to the orphanage in blankets and with nothing else. All their history had been burned up and they were too young to have memories that were helpful. If they had a clue, they could perhaps have triggered some memories for Buddy but had no idea what questions to ask.

However Buddy had limitless questions to ask. Ben found himself smiling most of the afternoon as Adam was bombarded with those. Buddy wanted to know about everything he saw and apparently he noticed every single thing and went from one to another around the room and then moved to Ben’s office fascinated by all the books and the large map. Joe and Jamie sat with Ben by the fireplace and shared chuckles as they watched Adam dealing with the minor inquisition by Buddy. Finally Jamie took some pity on Adam.

“Buddy, I have colored drawing sticks and chalk. Would you like to draw with me for a while?”

“I shur would.”

“Adam, if you clear the dining table, I’ll go get those things from my room.”

“Jamie, have I told you that you are rapidly becoming my favorite brother?”

That got a complaint from Joe and a grin from Jamie. Ben enjoyed his sons teasing like that especially that Adam was including Jamie. Alice was upstairs with her daughter sitting with Diane and Rose. They got the two girls to nap but Diane was afraid to leave Rose alone thinking that if she awoke in the strange room, she might be terrified so the two ladies sat and chatted very quietly as the two little girls napped. The rest of the afternoon passed quietly then until Hoss returned and did indeed have a guest. Adam went outside to help him take care of the horses they had ridden there.

“Hoss, Mary Beth seems very nice and very relaxed. She seems like the kind of lady I always expected to see with you.”

“Dadburnit, Adam, folks kept on tellin’ me the right gal was gonna come along. They said everybody’s got the right one out there somewhere, but I thought maybe mine got run over in a stampede or something. When I met Mary Beth, I was thinkin’ maybe it was too late. Maybe I was never gonna find that right gal, but now I think I was jest givin’ up and not seein’ what was right there in front of me ’cause I shouldn’t have given up. I asked her today ifn it was all right if I was ta court her. She jumped inta ma arms and asked me what took me so durn long ta ask her.”

Slapping Hoss on the shoulder, Adam couldn’t help but grin. Despite the setbacks in his own marriage, he knew he preferred it to not being married. Hoss noted the look his brother had.

“I know you and Diane is gonna work things out between you too. Them two young’uns is gonna be the medicine ya need. You jest wait and see.”

“I think you may be right about that. She’s opened her heart to those two children.”

“She shur did. I had a tear in ma eye in church seeing her pick up that little girl and hold her tight. All that love she had for the babies she lost she can pour into them two.” Hoss paused for a moment. “And you can do the same, older brother, and heal yourself too. I know how much you musta suffered losing them babies. I know it weren’t only Diane who had that pain at what you two lost. Now you got two little ones who want your love and you can give all of it to ’em.”

Unable to talk with the depth of emotion he was feeling, Adam could only show a slight smile. Hoss knew how emotional the moment was and said no more only squeezing Adam’s shoulder in a show of support. They finished with the horses to go to the house to find Mary Beth introducing herself to Buddy, Diane, and Rose. Of course, Buddy had a question or two.

“Why do you wear pants? I thought ladies didn’t wear pants.”

Adam was going to apologize for Buddy’s question but Mary Beth told him it was all right as the boy was only curious and she didn’t mind answering. She knelt down to be closer to him and explained.

“I rode over on a horse with Hoss and I don’t own a riding skirt. I work in pants on my father’s ranch. I wouldn’t wear pants to town, but Hoss thought it would be all right with his family.”

If Adam could have known what was going to be asked next, he would have distracted Buddy with something.

“Are you gonna marry Uncle Hoss?”

Although Hoss turned red at that, once more, Mary Beth answered in a very matter-of-fact tone. “Your Uncle Hoss did ask today if he could court me. My father said yes and practically jumped for joy.”

While everyone in the room started offering congratulations, Buddy only frowned. Seeing that his son was obviously confused, Adam leaned down to whisper to him. “When a man says he wants to court a woman, that’s because he wants to marry her. It’s the first step. So, yes, they plan on getting married.”

“I like that. I like her. When will they get married?”

“They haven’t said that yet. We’ll have to ask them?”

Before Adam could stop him, Buddy did just that. “Uncle Hoss, when are you gonna marry her?”

“Well, Buddy, I ain’t rightly asked her yet?”

“Why not?”

With an arm around Buddy’s waist, Adam whispered to him. “Buddy, that isn’t a question you should ask someone.”

“Why not?”

“It’s private.”

“What’s that mean?”

“All right, we’re going to have to have a discussion about what’s private and what you can talk about. For right now, can you just trust me on this one?”

Buddy agreed and Hoss was off the hook has everyone graciously forgot that Buddy had asked the earlier questions. Then with Rose still hanging onto Diane, they proceeded with dinner, which was a major celebration. Two new members of the family were welcomed. Hoss’ courting of Mary Beth was toasted. The plan to write the book was discussed and endorsed. Everything was looking good and there was genuine joy and hope in the house once more.

 

Chapter 9

Every night for five nights, Rose awoke screaming and Diane rushed to her side and held her. She rocked her for a couple of hours until she calmed and went to sleep again. It put everyone on edge disturbing sleep and causing worry. Even Buddy was affected because they had decided the best arrangement was for the two children to share a room at first so they wouldn’t feel so alone. However that meant that every night, Buddy was deprived of sleep. He was rather old to take a nap in the afternoon so he was getting a bit cranky too with his sleep interrupted on a nightly basis.

By the fifth night, it was a matter of dispute between the new parents too and the discussion spilled over to the dining table so the others knew about it too. The basic sides were that Diane thought that Rose needed her soothing after all she had been through. Adam’s point was that if Diane kept doing that, Rose would never learn to soothe herself and would depend on her mother rushing to her and soothing her and holding her for hours every night.

“I can’t just let her cry like that. That would be so cruel.”

“I’m not saying that you let her cry like that. Of course, someone has to go to her. She needs to know she’s not alone and that she doesn’t need to be afraid. However, once she knows that, she should be put back in her bed and soothed briefly there until she can be left to fall asleep in her bed. She is not an infant who needs to be held that much.”

“What do you mean someone has to go to her? She calls for me. She wants me.”

“Yes, she’s becoming dependent on you. That should stop. I can go to her.”

Not happy when Ben supported Adam in that dispute, Diane was terse most of the day in responding to both men, but that night she conceded that Adam could go to Rose when she cried. She did expect that Adam would not be able to soothe the little girl who cried out for her mama each night. When the screaming started, Adam pulled on his robe and headed to the room next door. For a short time, Diane thought she would be proven correct because she heard the crying continue and the pleas for her to go to her new daughter. Then they stopped surprising her although for a moment she suspected that Adam had said he was bringing Rose to her. When that didn’t happen either, her curiosity could not be satisfied and she had to go see. She pulled a robe on and headed to the children’s room stopping at the doorway when she heard a soft lullaby being sung. She saw Adam standing with Rose in his arms singing a lullaby as he rocked her and saw that Buddy was listening too as Adam looked down at him. Adam moved to the second bed and placed Rose in the bed and rubbed her back as she reached out for him. He shook his head and talked softly to her. He sang one more song and pulled the covers up to her chin and kissed her on the cheek. She had a doll and he put the doll under the covers and told her to hug the doll and kiss it. She did.

“Now, you hug the doll and hold her close. The two of you can sleep together so you won’t be alone. Buddy is in the other bed too. I’m going to go kiss him good night and then I’ll be back to kiss you good night. All right?”

Rose responded but it was too quiet for Diane to hear. Adam moved over to Buddy then and did the same things he had done for Rose rubbing Buddy’s back and singing a lullaby to him too before pulling the covers up to his neck and kissing his cheek.

“I love you, Buddy. Good night.”

“I love you, Papa. Good night.”

By the time Adam got back to Rose, she was sleeping with her doll tucked in close. Adam made sure she was covered well and tucked the blankets in under the mattress so she couldn’t fall out of bed. He kissed her cheek and stood looking down at her for a moment before he turned the lamp down again and backed slowly out of the room. Diane was there in the hall as he pulled the door almost closed.

“I understand now.”

“Yes, she needs someone when she’s scared, but you don’t have to rock her for hours.”

“No, I understand it all.”

And Adam knew she finally accepted that he had suffered the loss of their babies because he could love a child as much as she could. She had not seen that in him until now because he had tried to remain strong for her so she had not seen the anguish the losses had caused him especially in the pain she was in. However seeing the loving care he could give their adopted children after less than a week showed her the depth of feeling he had. He wrapped his arms around her and she reciprocated. It would take more time, but they were well on their way to healing all their wounds. In the morning at breakfast, Ben wanted to ask what happened, but it was Hoss who did. Ben didn’t want to stir things up because he was well aware that Diane had not been happy with him the day before.

“Say, I didn’t wake up to no caterwauling little gal last night. Did little Rosie sleep on through the night finally?”

“No, she didn’t. Adam went to take care of her and stopped her crying right away.”

“Rosie probably took one look at that angry mug of his and figured it was the only safe thing ta do.”

“No, he sang a lullaby to her and got her to hug her doll to get to sleep, and please don’t call her Rosie. It makes her sound like she should be working in a saloon or something.”

“Sorry, did little Rose wake up again at all?”

“No, she slept straight through to the morning. When I went in there to get the children ready for breakfast, she was still asleep.”

That night, Rose wanted Adam to sing songs when she went to bed and she wanted him to tuck her in. Diane felt almost a pang of jealousy except Rose wanted her hugs and kisses before she would snuggle down in with her doll to sleep. That night, she didn’t wake at all and slept through the night. In the morning, when Buddy awoke, he ran to his sister’s bed to make sure she was all right. He found her sleeping soundly with her doll clutched tightly in her arms. With a smile, he ran to tell his parents opening their door before he remembered the talk Adam had with him about privacy. He hurriedly pulled the door closed again and knocked softly waiting for an answer which took a short time. To him it seemed it took a long time, but he opened the door.

“Sissy slept all night long. She never sleeps all night long. You did magic.”

“It’s not magic, Buddy. It’s love. Your papa and I love you and Rose.”

“I love you too, Mama. I’m going back to my room now.”

“Don’t wake your sister. You can sit on your bed and look at your books.”

“All right, Papa.”

Once Buddy was gone, Diane lay back against Adam and sighed. “That was close.”

“Yes, but perhaps it was best. We didn’t do too much for the first time.” Adam and Diane had been kissing and touching each other intimately when Buddy had first opened the door and then closed it. The shock of that had cooled the ardor so they weren’t likely to continue. It had been the first time Diane had been willing to let Adam touch her like that and had touched him. They were like newlyweds in some ways once more getting acquainted but at the same time well aware of what the other liked.

“No, I think we could get back to more if you don’t mind.”

“Those words are the proverbial music to my ears.” Wrapping his arms around her, Adam drew her into his embrace and kissed her again. It didn’t take long for their passion to build once more. When it was time, Adam had to ask. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, it’s time. I want you.”

If anyone had been at the door in the next ten minutes, they wouldn’t have heard them knocking. Exhausted later by the emotional and physical release, they held each other and talked softly. Diane was going to apologize but Adam stopped her saying he understood and they both needed to look to the future, which was all that concerned him. He smiled showing those dimples and kissed her to let her know he meant it.

“We can tell Doctor Martin that we’re well on our way to defeating the demons of our past. All we need to do now is learn more about raising children.”

“How do you know so much about raising children anyway?” And as she asked, she knew. “You did have a lot of responsibility for your younger brothers, didn’t you?”

“Yes, and Joe especially was prone to nightmares. There’s a lot I don’t know, but there are some situations like that in which I do have experience.”

“I’m glad I trusted you with Rose. I have to admit I was a little jealous though that you could do that and that she wants you to sing to her.”

“You could sing to her.”

“No, not unless you want to deal with nightmares again.”

They both started laughing then. Walking by their room, Ben heard that and smiled. Any couple who could be sharing laughter in the morning had to be doing well in their relationship. He was feeling good about that. He was happy too that Rose had slept through the night finally and he had been able to do so as well. One quick peek into that room and a wave from Buddy had shown him that all was well there too. When he got to the dining table, he relaxed and enjoyed that first cup of coffee. Jamie joined him there a short time later.

“Pa, what are you smiling about?”

Unaware that he had been smiling, Ben had no ready answer so gave only a general response. “Things seem to be going well around here and I slept well last night.”

“Me too. It sure was nice not to hear any crying.”

Hoss had about the same comment when he came down the stairs, and soon after, Diane and Adam came down the stairs with Buddy and Rose. Adam and Hoss were going to work at the forge for the day and Joe would be joining them later. Jamie asked if he could help.

“Have you done any forge work?”

“No, Adam, Pa won’t let me. He says I’m too young.”

That got a raised eyebrow from Adam who looked at Ben as if to ask why. Ben shrugged as Hoss grinned wondering how he would get out of this one.

“Adam, you had to learn how to do that work at that age because we didn’t have anyone else. There’s no need to have Jamie doing dangerous work like that.”

Jamie’s look of astonishment was matched probably by the amused looks Hoss and Adam had as they waited for their father and youngest brother to hash this one out. Ben knew he was defeated when even Diane looked at him curiously as if she wondered what he was going to say. He was getting no support at this table.

“Well, I suppose if you two watch out for him, he could start to learn how to use the forge, but mind you, don’t let him do anything until you are sure he knows what he is doing.”

Jamie’s triumphant grin wasn’t lost on Ben who rolled his eyes and sighed. “I can never win around here with you boys.”

Hearing that term again, all Adam could do was mirror his fathers eye roll and sigh as he looked at Diane. That got Hoss and Jamie to start laughing and soon everyone at the table was in a jovial mood again. For the next six weeks, things tended to work that way. It was only four weeks into that when Hoss announced that he and Mary Beth were getting married and the big shock was that he wanted to get married in two weeks.

“I cain’t help it, Pa. Her pa wants it. He says he figures I asked ta court her and asked her to marry up with me so sudden like ’cause he figures something happened between us. He don’t want no surprises down the road, he says so he wants us married up as fast as can be. I ain’t against the idea ‘cept if we get married so fast, he won’t be the only one thinkin’ something happened between us.”

While resisting the urge to ask if something did happen between them, Ben only asked if he was sure of his intention to marry Mary Beth. He said he was so Ben had one answer to give.

“Then you tell her father and you can tell her that we’ll have the best darn wedding they’ve ever seen, and it will be in two weeks right here on the Ponderosa like you wanted.”

“Yessir, Pa, I will.”

Next up, Hoss had to ask Diane and Alice for help. “Do ya think you could help Mary Beth with her dress? I mean, she’s got dresses and such, but her brothers and her pa ain’t gonna be able to help her much. She looks pretty enough in the dresses she’s got, but she ain’t one to pretty up a dress, and for a wedding, I figure that’s what she’ll need, dontcha think?”

“You bring her here to the house, Hoss, and Alice and I will help her with a dress. Does she have fabric?”

“Not yet.”

“Well, Adam and I are going into town today. We need to send some instructions to his business and to our lawyer. I’ll pick up what we’ll need at the store. What color do you think she would like?”

“She favors green in most of the dresses I’ve seen on her.”

“We can work with that. You let Alice know when Mary Beth can be here. Could you see if Jamie can help us out by helping to watch over the girls and Buddy?”

“Ifn it’s on Saturday and it probably will be, I kin help too.”

“Good. With all three of us working, we should be able to do it in a day or at least most of it will be done.”

That was how it worked out too. By the end of the Saturday before the wedding, the three ladies not only got to know each other much better, but they created a light green dress with lacy ivory trim. It accentuated the rich brown color of Mary Beth’s hair and her blue eyes. Both Diane and Alice remarked that their children were likely to have the most beautiful eyes of any children in the state. It made Mary Beth both smile and look a bit nervous. She wanted to ask about having children but had been warned by Hoss not to ask anything about that in front of Diane so she refrained. Because she had no mother at home to ask and certainly would never ask her father or brothers, she thought she would ask Alice sometime in private.

Planning and preparation paid off and the wedding proceeded without a problem. Hoss stood by the fireplace and Mary Beth walked into the room on her father’s arm with her brothers standing near her. Hoss’ brothers stood beside him and his father was near him too. Mary Beth’s father, Amos, took his place next to Ben, and the minister stepped forward to conduct the ceremony. Ben and Amos sat which was a signal to everyone else to sit. Adam took a seat next to Diane to help with the children and Joe sat with Alice to help with their daughter. Jamie sat at Ben’s side. Only the couple and the minister were left standing. There were many comments in the crowd about how no one had realized how pretty Mary Beth was and no one had ever seen her in such a beautiful dress either. Adam and Joe both whispered congratulations to their wives on a job well done on that score. They had not only done the dress but had done Mary Beth’s hair that morning. The vows were said and Hoss never once stumbled over the words. He and his brothers had practiced in the stable for hours with Adam acting as the minister and either Jamie or Joe taking the role of his bride for the practice. He could probably have said those vows in his sleep. When it was over, he heaved a huge sigh of relief that got the crowd chuckling. The minister turned to those in attendance.

“I would like to present to you, Hoss Cartwright and his wife Mary Beth.”

There was applause and then the greeting line formed with guests heading outside for dancing and food. They had gotten very lucky and the late fall day was warm enough to accommodate the outdoor celebration. They had contingency plans for using the stable and the bunkhouse as well as the house to accommodate their guests but were happy they didn’t have to fall back on those. The temperature would likely drop as soon as the sun set but most guests would probably leave shortly before that happened. Jamie was torn as to whether to spend time with his friends or with his adult family members. He wanted to have fun with his friends but at his age, he liked the feeling of being one of the adults too. He walked up to Adam as lunch was finished and the cleanup of that was completed.

“I need a break. I’m going out back to sit down.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to.” Jamie grinned. “For a little while.”

Once they were seated on the bench behind the house, Adam stretched out his legs and sighed as he relaxed. He remarked on how happy Hoss looked and Jamie agreed. They were quiet for a short time before Adam had something more serious to say.

“Pa told me about how you talked about adoption at school and that’s how the Reverend came up with the idea of bringing the children to church to see if anyone would adopt them.”

“Adam, I never used your name.”

“I know. Don’t worry. I want to thank you. What you did set in motion something that brought my wife back to me and helped her heal. It gave us two wonderful children. I guess one doesn’t know sometimes what a pebble dropped in a pond will do.”

Dipping his head down because he was a little embarrassed with Adam giving him so much credit, Jamie did have another question. “Did it help you too?”

Caught off guard by the boy’s intuitiveness, Adam didn’t answer at first, but then decided he had earned an honest answer. “It did.”

It was only two words, but they said a great deal. Adam had admitted to Jamie his deepest vulnerability and trusted him with the truth of the matter. Jamie understood at that moment that they were truly brothers. “Thank you for being my brother.”

“I think Pa had more to do with that than Adam.” Joe had come around the corner of the house and heard only the last statement. “Pa was wondering where you were. I’m not sure what he wants, but he’s looking for you.”

Joe dropped down on the bench into the space Jamie had left. Adam didn’t move except for his eyes, which shifted sideways and looked at Joe quizzically.

“Something you want?”

“A few minutes of your time.”

“I happen to have a few of those free right now.”

“I’ve been trying lately to catch you with a few minutes because I wanted to talk with you. You know that book we’re supposed to be writing?” Adam nodded. “Well, I haven’t done that much writing. Mostly I’ve been jotting down notes like Pa said to do when I think of things. That got me to thinking about things more and more.”

“And that made you want to talk to me? Is this going to be a problem between us?”

“No, I think it might solve some problems between us. Pa has always told me we were two sides of the same coin, alike in a lot of ways and seeing things in opposite ways or being very different in some ways. I never could see it before, but now that I had a chance to look back at things from years before, it makes more sense. I have the enthusiasm and the excitement. I love life and want to try everything. You’re a planner and a thinker. You’re skeptical and logical. I looked back at what happened with Sam Bryant and it all makes so much more sense to me now.”

“It does?”

“Yes, and I have to say I’m sorry for things I said back then. I know I meant them when I said them, but I was wrong. I didn’t understand what you were doing, and I didn’t try to understand. I get it now. I understand myself and you better than I ever did before, and I think if we remember that we’re sugar and spice and things are gonna taste better with both of us in the mix, then we’ll get along real well. There, that’s what I had to say.”

“Thank you, Joe. I appreciate that, and I think that will work out well.”

A few mornings later, the three brothers got a chance to see how well they could work out a plan together without arguing. It went very well, but then they had to present it to their father. Hoss, Joe, and Jamie decided it was Adam’s job as oldest to tell their father. Resigned to his fate, he approached his father’s desk in the early afternoon as the other three waited to see what kind of reception he would get.

“Pa, now that Hoss is married, it’s getting kind of crowded here in the house.”

“Adam, I know you want your own house, but I doubt we could get the lumber ready for you to even have a good start on one before the snow makes it impossible to build.”

“No, I was planning to wait until spring to build. No, my brothers and I have a different solution in mind. Over the winter, we only have about half the hands here so we don’t need all the bunkhouse space. We thought we could remodel the bunkhouse that is attached to the house here into an apartment for Hoss and Mary Beth. Then in the spring we could build a second bunkhouse for the seasonal workers we hire.”

Frowning, Ben leaned back in his chair. “When you and Diane move into your new house with your children, that would leave only me and Jamie upstairs in five bedrooms.”

“Well, yes, that is, until Hoss and Mary Beth have children.”

“That would be inconvenient, wouldn’t it, having the children upstairs and them in an apartment down here?”

“I suppose so.”

Ben grinned then because he knew all of his sons were disappointed. He could see how the others were reacting over by the fireplace. “I have an alternative proposal. I am getting tired of those stairs. I say it’s about time the four of you build me a new bedroom down here so I don’t have to climb those stairs at the end of every day. Put a nice new stove in there too to keep it warm. In the other half, build an apartment for our foreman. He deserves one with a job like that on a ranch this size. Hoss and Mary Beth can have my room and when they have children, there will be plenty of bedrooms up there for them.”

The three by the fireplace jumped up and joined them at the desk asking Adam when he could draw up the plans. With the book and that project, there wouldn’t be a problem of being bored in the winter months. There were smiles all around. However there was one more thing on Ben’s mind.

“Adam, I do have one more question. I’ve been reading The Three Musketeers now that you and Jamie are done with it. You compared me to Monsieur de Tréville?”

 

Next Story in the Red Night Series:

Firsts

 

 

Tags:  Adam Cartwright, Ben Cartwright, Family, Hoss Cartwright, Joe / Little Joe Cartwright