Summary:  Betrayal, wounded pride, and jealousy result in one hot tempered brother missing, one having nightmares, one logical brother searching … all is not as you might think.

Rated:  T  WC  8600

Story Notes:  This story is the result of a 2010 Progressive Chain Challenge.  The authors included (in alphabetical order):  Cheaux, Dodo, DonnaB, fanofoldtvshows, jfclover, MicheleBE, pam_2009, pkmoonshine, and trinity4H.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Out There 

The deep orange and purple hues of the setting sun were reflected on snow covered rocks and pines in the North Range.  Now and then a lonely, brave bush pushed through the top crust, but for the most part the whole plateau was a white sheet ablaze with the last vibrant rays of the day.  Above it all, to the west, barely visible in the growing twilight, yet dominating everything in its path was the High Sierras.

It was an awesome sight not to be taken lightly by even the bravest of men, and in the dead of winter it was sheer suicide to even contemplate crossing the Carson Range that led into the foothills of the Sierras.   Sheer suicide . . . but to Joe Cartwright, whose older brother was out there somewhere alone, without provisions and perhaps hurt, it was the only thing to do.

His eyes quickly surveyed the terrain.  The white expanse seemed to swallow everything in sight.  To the north was Lake Tahoe, but mostly there was nothing.  The plateau was cold, barren, and friendless.  And out there was a man dying . . . or dead!

He sat now next to a fire clasping a cup of steaming coffee in his hands.  It was not dark yet and his gut told him he should still be looking.  Reason told him different.  Almost anywhere else he would have had another good hour of daylight left, but up here was no such thing as twilight and the sun could drop behind the mountains in five minutes plunging his path into darkness.  

Joe had come half way down the pass before he realized how low the sun was.  Another few minutes and there wouldn’t be anything but blackness.  The ground to the left of the trail was flat and firm enough to support him and the two laden pack animals.  The overhanging rocks offered a perfect shelter from wind and snow, and underneath the thin crust was grass.  “Might as well save as much food for the horses as possible,”  he thought.   Out there there would be nothing for them to eat and he would need everything he brought along.

Out there.  A shiver went down Joe’s back and he kicked the logs with his boot to stir up the fire.  It was dark now.  He poured a can of beans into a pan to simmer and then bedded the horses down for the night.   The first bite burned his tongue and he swore.   He thought about the rest of the family back at the Ponderosa.  What was it Hop Sing was going to fix tonight for Pa’s guests?  Oh . . . yeah . . . chicken and dumplings.  And he swore again.  

**********

It was 4:30 a.m. and the sound of the wind whipping through the eaves woke Ben up . . . or so he told himself.  Actually, he had been lying in bed tossing and turning since before midnight.  Hop Sing and his feasts, he thought.  He always did eat too much on those occasions.  But even as he fixed himself a bicarbonate he knew the real reason for his sleeplessness.  The wind outside was louder and more violent than ever.  When he opened the front door the wind ripped it from his grasp and slammed it into the chest behind him.  Ben stepped out into the night pulling the collar of his bathrobe tighter around for protection against the raw wind.  His anger had long since turned to worry and the roiling clouds above didn’t lessen his alarm.  This is ridiculous, he told himself.  Joe is old enough to take care of himself and certainly old enough to know when to come in out of a storm. 

Yes—to anyone with common sense it would only be logical to seek shelter on a night like this.  But then, anyone in his right mind wouldn’t even be out on a night like this.  Ben didn’t know what governed his son’s reasoning powers, but his actions certainly weren’t logical and God only knew where he was now.

**********

Logic was all that kept Joe going.  He woke up freezing and was on the move again at first light because he figured activity was the only solution.  Wrong.  At times his limbs were so cold he couldn’t feel the reins or the stirrups and once he fell off.  Cochise turned and looked at him in utter disgust and he had to admit that he must indeed look foolish.  He was glad there was no one around to see.  Actually, that wasn’t true.  He wished his brother were here with him then together they could get home before the storm hit.

Joe looked skyward.  His eyes were relieved to gaze upon the dark grey clouds rather than the bright, white snow, but the clouds bothered him.  They were churning rapidly and turning darker by the minute.  Time was growing short and still no sign of his brother.  As he lowered his eyes back to the horizon, he saw it.  He couldn’t say for sure what “it” was; he only knew it wasn’t there before.

*********

The first thing Adam felt was cold.  Not just a cold limb, a cold nose . . . but a cold that ran down to his soul.  He felt the wind whipping around him as it swept the cobwebs from his mind.  He tried to sit himself up, only to find that every bone in his body ached as well.  As his head reached the cold ground, he struggled against the darkness that fought to claim him once again.  He tried in vain to remember the circumstances that led to his predicament, but consciousness eluded him and he again slipped into the dark void.

**********

As the sun rose on the Ponderosa, Ben found himself weary.  Even after going back to bed, he tossed and turned, worrying about his two sons who were out there—each a solitary man heading into a precarious situation.  He splashed a good dose of Bay Rum on his face, hoping that it would help bring him to life.  Looking into the mirror, his chocolate eyes showed the sadness he felt at the thought of losing two sons because of stubbornness and pride.

**********

Continuing down the pass, Joe couldn’t tell whether “it” was moving toward him or away from him so when he again reached flat ground he dismounted, ground tied Cochise knowing the other horses would stay with her, and traveled on foot to the outer edge of the trail.  Away from the trees, he had a clearer view of the horizon and it didn’t take long for him to be certain; whatever was out there was definitely not moving.    

Joe looked up at the threatening sky and considered his options.  Worry etched his face as he thought of his brother out in the elements, alone, without provisions.  As Joe walked back to Cochise, he began to calculate his trail for the remainder of the day.  Distracted, he didn’t see the tip of a rock peaking through the white carpet of snow.  Without warning, Joe lost his balance and fell to the ground wincing in pain.  He cursed quietly to himself as he tried to figure out how badly hurt he was.  Rolling his shoulder, he felt stabs of pain travel down his arm.  Not to be deterred, he held his arm close to his body and climbed into the saddle.  One arm or not, he would not let this setback defeat him in achieving his goal.  He tucked his hand and wrist into his green jacket for support, and started to head out with Cochise down the grey, wind-whipped mountain.

**********

His brothers were out there, alone.  And here he was, in his bed, with a busted ankle.  How could he have let that mare kick him like that—while shoeing her no less! 

Remembering the fights that prompted the current situation made Hoss wince in embarrassment.  How could anyone have known that Belinda was dating not one, but two Cartwrights at the same time?  And two so very different Cartwrights at that!  As he thought back to his own time with Belinda, there was no way he could’ve imagined that such a sweet, caring girl could be so devious.  Devious enough to two-time both of his other brothers in order to gain the Cartwright name—and money. 

When Joe and Adam realized what had happened, instead of coming together in anger towards Belinda, their pride caused them to accuse each other of things unheard of before between any of the Cartwright brothers.  Cringing, Hoss thought of the look of utter devastation on his father’s face as he watched his brothers shout words totally beyond his comprehension.  It was only when the words turned to blows that Ben intervened between the two grown men.

“How dare you!” he shouted in rage.  “Don’t you see that you are letting a woman get between you?  That woman doesn’t deserve either one of you!  She USED both of you.  Why can’t you see that?”  Ben collapsed in his chair shaking in anger as he looked in disdain at both of his sons. 

It was then that his elder brother got up, went to the credenza and put on his gun belt and hat in silence.  Turning to his family, he said quietly, “I loved her, loved her with all my heart, and I can’t imagine her not having a valid reason Pa. I can’t now, and I don’t think I ever will.”  And with that, he turned and went out the door, slamming it shut behind him.  The remaining Cartwrights looked at each other in shock as they heard the sound of hoof beats heading away from the house. 

As he thought of his brothers out there alone in the cold, harsh winter, a single tear trickled down Hoss’ face.  He realized just how much they mattered to him—but now he’d lost them, perhaps forever.

**********

He felt a hand wipe the layer of snow off of his frozen face.  As heat from unseen hands permeated his consciousness, a warmth begin to envelop his body.  Opening his eyes, Adam saw the cloudy visage of a man.  The man’s lips were moving, and he struggled to figure out what he was saying.  As his vision cleared, he realized that the man was asking who he was.  His voice was weak as he answered with a quiet, “I don’t know.”

**********

Plodding along slowly, with Sport in tow, Joe pulled his hat down lower on his forehead, trying to keep the large wet flakes of snow off his face.  Feeling like he was making no progress at all, as he constantly looked off to his left and then to his right, seeing nothing, he reined Cochise in and slipped down off his mount.  He stood tall; stretching out his back and rotating his sore shoulder, then gathered both sets of reins with his good arm and started walking.

He prayed he was heading in the right direction, but for the last couple of miles, he’d seen no signs at all that he was on his older brother’s trail.  He pulled the horses under a large ponderosa pine.  Missing its lower limbs, the stately tree made a perfect place for him to rest and be out of the falling snow.  Wondering if the creeks were frozen over yet, he lifted his canteen from his saddle horn and took a drink.   The horses couldn’t go forever without water, and he knew he needed to be careful with his own until he had time to build a fire and melt enough snow to replenish the canteens.  Surely, he would find Adam in the next hour or two; a man alone couldn’t survive without water whether it was himself or his brother. 

He had been on a steady upward climb again for the past couple of hours, and cursed himself for not having grabbed his heavier jacket.  Joe figured his brother was dressed appropriately for this time of year, and would give him a lecture on being prepared when he caught up with him.  If nothing else, maybe that would defuse the current battle between them.

When Adam hadn’t returned by morning—after storming out of the house the night before—Joe knew just how much his hateful words and violent temper had hurt his brother.  He had said things that no one should ever say to another person, especially a brother.  He had awakened before dawn and looked in his brother’s room to find the bed still made.  Dressing quickly, he made his way downstairs and into the kitchen to raid Hop Sing’s larder for enough supplies for two men for a week.  He had been out the door before the rest of the family awoke and since Hoss was laid up with a broken ankle, he had figured with any luck Pa would assume he had gotten an early start in order to handle all the chores.  Joe figured—if he were really lucky—he would find Adam and get them both home in time for supper.  The gamble hadn’t paid off and Joe was nearing the end of his second day in the bitter cold.  But if he was cold—with food in his belly—he could just imagine what Adam was feeling.

Joe had found Sport meandering along about an hour ago.  The horse was heading home, like any of their mounts would eventually have done without a rider to tell them differently.  He knew Adam had come that far, but now the trail was cold.  At this point, with the snow steadily falling, he wondered how would he ever find it again.  He grabbed a piece of jerky from his saddlebag and bit off a generous chunk.  Think like Hoss, he thought to himself.  Hoss was the tracker of the family, and a darn good one at that.  What would Hoss be looking for now, when the trail had grown cold?

Determined to find his oldest brother, Joe climbed back up on Cooch, pulling Adam‘s mount along behind him.  His mind raced.  Keep going straight.  Follow the trail.  Don’t leave the trail.  Think like Adam.  Adam wouldn’t just wander.  Adam did everything with a purpose.  Then why would he come this far into the mountains this time of year?  That was the unexplained question on the young man’s mind.

A generous amount of snow was falling now; the horses’ hooves kicking up the white powder with each step they took. The trail Joe thought he was following was completely covered now with snow and he shivered uncontrollably in the saddle.   His fingers felt as though they were frozen to the reins but somehow he managed to reach behind him and pull the strings on his bedroll freeing the blanket.  As he wrapped it around his shoulders and thighs, he thought again how foolish he had been to take off without his heavy jacket. 

Joe closed his eyes savoring the instant warmth the blanket provided and in so doing was unaware of the obvious markings left on the ground where his brother had fallen from his horse.  The proof he needed was not five fee away:  a recently broken scrub branch and next to the small bush, Adam’s black hat, now filling with snow.

With the blanket keeping him warm, and keeping the snow from soaking his clothes, Joe felt renewed and eager to move on at a faster clip.  Adam couldn’t be that much farther ahead.  Of that, Joe was certain. 

**********

“Pa, you ain’t doin’ neither of them no good pacin’ the room like ya are.” 

Hoss couldn’t do much but sit in his father’s overstuffed leather chair, with his foot propped up on the table.  He was no good to anyone at this point, and probably wouldn’t be for another couple of weeks.  He’d grabbed a book out of Adam’s room before coming downstairs, but couldn’t get through a page without looking up, finding his father restlessly pacing back and forth, back and forth.

“Do you know it’s started to snow?” Ben asked.

“Yes sir.  You told me that the last time you opened the door, thinkin’ you heard them two ridin’ up.”  Hoss was starting to lose patience with his ‘mother-hen‘ father.  He knew his father was worried, and he had every right to be, but there was nothing he or his father could do at this point.  “They should be home anytime now.  What we don’t know is if they’s still mad at each other or if they’s smart enough to realize it was that gal that made all the trouble, and the fight should be with her, not each other.”

Nothing Hoss had said seemed to reach Ben‘s ears.  Instead of opening the door this time though, he pulled back the red drape behind his desk and stared at the snow coming down, then turned back to Hoss.  “Do you realize if it’s snowing here, and if they’ve headed up to the high country . . . .”

**********

With spirits restored, Joe pushed Cochise on a piece.  Both rider and horse became aware of a noise approaching them.  Louder, faster!  Joe turned Cooch around, pulled his rifle from his scabbard, and aimed in the direction of the noise:  a thunder of hooves!  “Darn those pack-laden animals, scaring the daylights out of us!” 

The pack animals whinnied at the sight of their pals.  Horses run in herds.  The pack horses didn’t want to be left behind. “Stupid!” Joe thought to himself.  “The cold is freezing my brain.  How could I have left those horses with the supplies behind?  Didn’t Pa teach us that we NEVER leave our supplies and pack animals behind?” 

As if reading Joe’s mind, one of the horses moved ahead of Cochise, raised his tail and pooped.  It was his way of saying, “Dumb ass.”

What was it that Joe saw in the pack horses’ mouths?  What were they chomping on?  Whatever it was, it was torn, it was black and apparently, was good enough for hungry horses to eat.  Adam’s hat?  Joe couldn’t believe he’d missed seeing the hat on the ground!  Now he had to retrace his and the animals’ trail to see where those horses might have found Adam’s hat.

It took the better part of the day to backtrack, but Joe found the broken scrub branch and the faintest hint of an indentation in the shape of a hat on the snow-covered ground.  The fast falling snow had almost covered up where the hat had lain.  But there was something else.  It was another set of tracks, one set of horse hooves headed east.  From the looks of the tracks, it was clear that the horse who’d made them was moving slowly as if overburdened; the tracks were that deep even in the fast-falling snow.  Joe knew he had to follow quickly with Sport and the two pack-laden horses in tow.

Following the trail, Joe saw it.  There it was again, just as he had seen it earlier, on the horizon.  It had been barely visible, but it was getting bigger now.  Yep, no doubt about it; it was rising up like a spray of water.  Only it wasn’t water; it was smoke and it couldn’t be too far because Joe could smell burning wood as if the smoke was coming from a campfire.

Closer, closer.  Joe approached, shaking with cold and pain.  There it was . . . the campfire!  Who was that next to the fire?  It was a feller about Pa’s age, and he was stooped over a body wrapped in a blanket.  ADAM!  Joe dismounted and fell to the ground yelling Adam’s name.  Of course, that spooked the horses and one delivered a swift kick to Joe’s ribs.  “That’ll teach ya to leave us behind.”  (If anyone ever tells you a horse can’t remember anything beyond three minutes, don’t believe them.)

“Hey, Little Brother, that’s another fine mess you’ve gotten us into.”  Those were Joe’s final thoughts as his world went black.

**********

The next thing Joe was aware of was how warm his face and hands felt.   This wasn’t the burning warmth that comes of sitting very close to a fire, but something more gentle; the way hot chocolate warms you after you’ve spent a good part of the day working out in the cold.  His lips curved upward slightly as he reveled in the sensation.   It seemed he had been cold for so long, he’d almost forgotten what it felt like to be warm.  

Images began to flicker across the eyes of his inward vision, quick and fast, like the flashes of lightening during a thunderstorm . . . blinding snow . . . tracking and backtracking through deep, windswept drifts . . . smoke rising in the distance, leading him to a campfire . . . a man about the same age as Pa by all appearances bending over a younger man, wrapped in a blanket . . . .  “ADAM!” Joe’s eyes snapped wide open.

“Welcome back to the land of the living, young fella.”  It was the same man he saw by the campfire bending over Adam’s body.

“Where’s my brother?” Joe demanded.  He tried to sit up, only to instantly regret it.

“Take it easy there, son,” the man gently admonished.  “Wouldn’t surprise me none at all if you had a cracked rib or two, taking into account how hard that horse o’ yours kicked you.”

“Where’s my brother?” Joe demanded again.

“Your brother?” the man echoed with a puzzled frown.

“I saw him lying by your campfire under a blanket,” Joe said through clenched teeth.  “So help me, Mister, if you’ve hurt him…”

“If that man truly IS your brother, he’s lying on a cot over there next to the fireplace.”  The man inclined his head in that direction.

“Fireplace?”

The man nodded.  “You’re in my abode, such as it is,” he explained, “and your horses are safe, too.  Got ’em all stabled with my mule, Jonah.  It’s a mite cramped, but I got ‘em all in.”

“H-How—?”

“I tied the two of ya to your saddled horses and led them and your pack horses back here,” the man replied.  “I borrowed some of your supplies to make us up some supper and fix a bit of broth for your brother.  Hope you don’t mind.”

“No, it’s okay,” Joe said as he attempted once again to sit up, moving more carefully this time.  “How’s Adam doing?”

“That his name?”

The man’s question drew a startled look from Joe.

“When I asked who he was, he told me he didn’t know,” the man said.  “For now, though, he’s alive, but he’s not woken up since I brought him here and bedded him down by the fire.  To be up front ’n honest, son, I’m worried, especially with that lump on the back of his head size of a goose egg.”

Joe sank back down onto the cot on which he had just been lying, stunned.  Belinda’s betrayal, his anger at Adam for courting the woman he was so sure he loved, his trepidation about facing Pa and Hoss upon his return from this insane venture . . . none of that mattered.  All he wanted was a chance for him and Adam to somehow make things right between them again. 

**********

Joe hadn’t meant to fall asleep, especially under such dire circumstances, but he did and it was in the early hours of the morning when he eventually awoke, staring at the dying embers of a small fire in bleary-eyed confusion.  For it wasn’t the recognizable large stone hearth of the Ponderosa he’d grown up with but a small, crudely fashioned fireplace, and suddenly it all came back to him in a flash of worrying despair.  

It hadn’t been a dream after all and Joe quickly looked about in the subdued light of a single oil lamp which stood on a small table.  He took in the sight of a stranger curled up on the hard dirt floor with a blanket pulled tight around his body, heard the unmistakable sound of a howling wind as it tore around the four walls of the cabin, and saw a familiar figure lying so still opposite him.

Once again forgetting about his injured shoulder and cracked ribs Joe hurriedly began to rise as the urgent need to check on his brother’s condition consumed his only thought.  Immediately he wished he hadn’t been so hasty as he winced with pain and let out a loud groan.  Lying back and gulping air, his hands clenched tightly to the sides of the cot. 

After a few moments the aching eased somewhat.  Pressing his good arm gingerly across his rib cage for support, Joe took in a deep breath and slowly blew the air out through his mouth.  “That’s it,” he thought.  “Just like Pa taught you; in through the nose, out through the mouth.”  As the pain diminished, Joe tentatively pushed himself up and shuffled across the few feet which separated him from his brother, easing down by his side. 

Even in the darkened glow of the lamp Joe could see Adam’s unshaven face was pale, his chest hardly rising as he took in short and labored breaths.  But at least he was alive and—as tears glistened in Joe’s eyes—he hesitantly rested a hand across the clammy forehead, then gently brushed his fingers through the thick brown hair.   “Adam?  Can you hear me?” he whispered urgently, willing him to wake.  “It’s me . . . Joe.”

There was no immediate reaction and Joe suddenly frowned as something niggled at the back of his mind.  What had the man said?  Adam didn’t know who he was?  So if he came round then he might never recognize his family again?  Never acknowledge the loving touch of his father, the tender smile of his brothers?

At this point unparalleled guilt consumed the youngest Cartwright. This was all his fault because of that damn woman!

From the start Joe had known Belinda was someone dangerous and a woman to be avoided—not that it mattered to the love-smitten eighteen year old—in fact, it was those very things that added to her allure.  He’d been so bewitched by her tantalizing dark green eyes nothing else mattered and he promised her everything, anything, whatever she desired. 

But all the while she was seducing him, she’d also been seeing another Cartwright similarly obsessed by her raven-haired beauty.  Joe’s initial reaction at discovering her duplicity and not been to confront her but instead to launch a primal, instinctive back-lash of foul language, bitter recrimination, and fists against the other man . . . his beloved oldest brother.

Joe closed his eyes and swallowed a sob as he slid to the floor.  How he wished he could take those words back now but they’d been said; forever to be a wall of hurt between them should Adam ever come round and recognize him again. 

All of a sudden a faint but unmistakable whimper sounded from deep within Adam’s throat disturbing Joe’s private, tormented reverie.   The weak moan grew louder and Adam fought to regain consciousness, thrashing about in obvious agitation as he became more aware of the throbbing in the back of his head.  Not sure what to do, Joe stretched out and yanked at the blanket covering the man lying feet away.  “Wake up mister.  My brother’s coming round.”

There was no movement or reaction and Joe became more insistent.  “Please mister!  I need your help!”

But once again there was no response and with a curse Joe pushed himself closer toward the sleeping stranger, ignoring the soreness in his chest.  Roughly taking hold of the man’s shirt sleeve, he was about to give it a violent tug when he let out a sharp cry of surprise and let the stiffened arm go as though he’d mistakenly grabbed hold of a red-hot poker.  The aging man who had saved the lives of two strangers not hours ago was beyond waking; he had silently and peacefully died in his sleep.

With a sad sigh at his rescuer’s unexpected passing, Joe hung his head with regret for he’d never even had a chance to say thanks or ask his name. Then straightening up his back in an effort to relieve the pressure on his ribs, Joe suddenly felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise and—sensing he was being watched—turned his head towards the figure on the cot. 

Adam was now fully awake, supporting his body on one elbow and eying Joe warily while frowning in concentration.  He closed his pain-clouded eyes, grimaced then forced them open again.  The two brothers continued to stare at each other for several seconds more until eventually Adam broke the silence between them.  “I don’t remember my name or have any idea who you are,” he murmured quietly with a dry-throated raspy voice.  “So could you explain why I have an uncontrollable urge to beat the crap out of you?”

Joe looked at Adam  in shock. “Why doesn’t my brother know who I am?” he thought sadly.

“Adam, it’s me . . . Joe,” he said as he reached out for his brother.

Adam batted Joe’s hand away before he could touch him.  “I don’t know anyone name Joe,” he said harshly.

“Adam, why don’t you know who I am?  I’m your youngest brother Joe. Everybody calls me Little Joe. You have another brother named Hoss.  He is older than me but younger than you.”

Adam glared at Joe. “Leave, before I hurt you,” he said, pointing a gun at Joe for a few seconds, before the weight of it was too much for him and he set it on the ground.

“Adam please!” Joe pleaded as he reached into his jacket and took out a small photograph.  “This picture was taken at Hop Sing’s surprise  party last year.  See,” he pointed, “there’s you, me, and that’s Hoss in the middle.”

Adam looked down briefly at the photograph, but when he looked back at Joe his dark, cold eyes showed no sign of recognition causing Joe to shiver with fear.  Ignoring his sore ribs, Joe started to push himself away from his brother, but stopped. “Come on, this is your brother, not a stranger”  he reasoned silently. “And your brother needs you.”   So he met his brother’s gaze head on and didn’t flinch.

Eventually the shivers returned and he noticed the fire was out.  He wished the other man were still alive to help him, but even more he wished Adam would remember him.  As he set about laying a new fire, Joe prayed that he would find a way to get Adam to remember.

Adam watched as Joe carefully laid the tinder and kindling, not recalling that it was he who had taught Joe how to do this.  When the kindling caught and Joe continued to methodically lay more wood on the fire, he seemed to remember him from somewhere, but Adam was not sure where.

As Joe tended the fire, he thought of ways to make it right with Adam.

**********

Since he couldn’t sleep anyway, Ben had gotten up to fix himself some coffee.  Walking over to window behind his desk, he looked out at the night sky.  “Please let Adam and Joe be okay,” he prayed.  Ben heard footsteps behind him and, turning, saw Hop Sing.

“Hop Sing!  What are you doing up?” he asked, setting his cup of coffee on  his desk.

Hop Sing slowly walked towards Ben. “Could not sleep.”

“Me either,” Ben replied as he turned back towards the window.  “I’m worried about Joe and Adam,” Ben admitted to his loyal cook.

Hop Sing nodded.  “I am, too.”

“Hop Sing, I’m thinking about trying to find Adam and Joe.”

Hop Sing nodded his head. “I would go, too, if Hoss not hurt.”

**********

Upstairs Hoss lay awake.  He could not fall asleep, except for the short time when he had had a very bad nightmare.  “Pleasant dreams,” his Pa had said.  They had begun innocently enough, but went south quickly as dreams can do—at least if Joe’s experiences were any indication.  He himself had never been bothered much by nightmares unless a fever was present.

Hoss felt his forehead just be sure.  No; it was cool and dry.  He tried to recall what was so upsetting that he had awakened in a panic.  Then he remembered—the dream had started with Roy Coffee coming to the ranch house with a sad look in his eyes.  It has all been so vivid, so real and yet strangely disjointed, the ways dreams often were . . . . 

“Come in Roy,” Ben smiled, but Roy just stood in the doorway.

“What’s wrong, Roy?”

“Ben, I hate to come with bad news, but I received a wire that Joe and Adam were both killed in a saloon.”

Hoss was sitting on a chair with his feet propped up. “Why, Pa?” he asked, with tears running down his face.

“Don’t know,” Pa replied, tears also running down his face.

“It might comfort you a little knowing they seemed to have made up and died together,” Roy replied as he tried to fight back his own tears.

Hop Sing was listening from the kitchen tears running down his cheeks, too.

“I can’t lose my brothers even if they do make me mad sometimes, Pa. They have to come back to us.  We are all they got,” Hoss said as he  wiped the tears that continued to flow. 

Ben  went over to talk to Roy and asked him if he and Hoss could be alone for a few minutes. Then Roy left the house and stood outside looking at Sport.  “Why does this have to happen to the Cartwrights?” he thought. “They don’t deserve this, especially Ben.  He’d lost the mothers of all three sons and now two of his boys.”

Hop Sing went outside and asked Roy if he would like to have another cup of coffee but Roy said, “No. Tell Ben I’m going back to town and I will be back to talk to him,” and then thanked Hop Sing for the coffee.

Hop Sing came back in the house and heard Hoss tell Pa how it wasn’t right that he’d lost Hoss’s mother and Little Joe’s mother and now  he was going to lose his two brothers, too. 

“It isn’t fair, Pa.  They didn’t do anything to deserve this!” Hoss choked.  Ben grabbed Hoss in a bear of a hug, and they both broke down and cried.  Then he said, “We’ll see what tomorrow brings, Hoss, but right now, Roy is outside waiting to talk to me.” 

But Hop Sing said, “Sheriff go to town; return later.” Then Ben and Hop Sing moved Hoss to the settee so he could rest more comfortably and Ben went out to tend the stock and Hop Sing went to fix dinner. It was a very quiet dinner and Ben said, “It’s not the same without Adam and Little Joe.”.

Then all of a sudden Hoss was upstairs with his Pa playing checkers.  And then they were at the breakfast table, Hop Sing asking if they had had a good night’s sleep.  But before they could answer, there was a knock at the door.  Roy had returned.

“Ben, I been thinking on what that telegram said and it just don’t add up.  I want to ride to that saloon where the boys were found to see if there are any clues; anyone who might know more than what was reported,” Roy said, still visibly upset.

“I’m coming with ya, Pa,” Hoss insisted, but Ben was just as adamant that his son should stay home and asked Hop Sing to keep an eye on Hoss while he and Roy were gone.

Then Hoss woke up hollering, “Please God, don’t make my bad dream come true.  Please send them home safe.” 

“Why you yell, Mister Hoss?”  Hop Sing asked, running in from the kitchen.

“I heard Adam’s voice.  Are Adam and Little Joe home?”  Hoss asked anxiously.

“No,” Hop Sing answered.  “You not remember?  They died yesterday.”

“I must have been dreaming that I heard Adam’s voice,” Hoss said.

When Ben and Roy returned, Hop Sing told his employer that Hoss had been dreaming and thought he had heard Adam’s voice and Hoss asked, “Did you find any clues, Pa?”

“Yes, we found Adam’s empty jug and Little Joe’s green coat.  He never goes anywhere without the coat; he’d never leave it behind willingly.  We think someone must of kidnapped them and then reported that they found them dead,” Ben said wearily.

“I can’t imagine who would do such a thing to them boys,” Roy said.  “They will help anyone who needs it.”

“We can’t find them anywhere,” Ben told Hoss.

“You get some rest, Ben.  I’ll be back in the morning and we’ll get started tracking.  I hope Hoss can go with us because he might know more places where they could be found,” Roy said before saying good night and leaving.

“I’m going with you tomorrow, Pa”  Hoss said firmly.

Ben checked my ankle and noted that the swelling was nearly gone.  “We’ll see,” he said, evasively. 

“I really hope my dream doesn’t ever come true, Pa,” Hoss said yawning.

“What dream, son?”

And that was when Hoss had bolted awake and realized that the whole thing—Roy’s visit, the telegram that said Adam and Joe were dead, even his silent prayer—was a dream.  

In the back of his mind, he hoped that God listened to prayers whispered in dreams as well as those spoken out loud.  To be safe, he said again, loud and clear “Please God, don’t make my bad dream come true.  Please send them home safe.”

**********

Ben sat up in bed, wondering again why he had even tried to go back to sleep.  He had considered getting Roy and some of the other local men who knew the boys to help him search, but quickly discarded the thought each time.  It was dangerous enough on the Ponderosa when a big snow storm hit, and you could bet that it would be at least ten times worse in the Sierras.  Each time he considered it, he had to remind himself that most of the men who wouldn’t hesitate to help them were family men with wives and children to be cared for.  He didn’t want to put anyone into unnecessary danger.  As his eyelids started to grow heavy from fatigue, Ben’s final thought before sleep came was that he would go into town tomorrow and talk to Roy about all this.

**********

The partially frozen ground and Joe’s injuries prevented him from digging long, but with the help of his ailing brother, Joe managed a shallow grave and together they buried the man who had rescued them.  Joe said a few words over the grave and went inside.  Adam stayed outside for a few minutes longer, looking first at the grave then the mountains and then began pacing while talking to himself.  Being inside and not able to always see Adam’s mouth, Joe wished he knew what his brother was saying and thinking.  Joe could only figure that it must be awful scary to not know your name, your family, your home, or even who you should and should not trust.

Adam eventually came inside, but he still felt that he could not fully trust this kid who was claiming they were brothers. As far as he was concerned, he had never seen the kid in his life, but there was something about him that was familiar.  He couldn’t put his finger on it yet, but he vowed to figure it out.

While Adam sat in a stupor, Joe busied himself with a few of the necessary tasks, like carrying in firewood, fixing something to eat, and checking on the animals.  The food and animals were easy to do alone, as the mounts were all warm and had enough food to make it for several more days, but the firewood was another story.  Because of his injuries, Joe could only carry in a few pieces at a time.  He also kept trying to think of ways to make Adam remember the past, but the only way he could think of was to take him back to the Ponderosa. This seemed almost impossible, as Adam didn’t seem to trust him as far as he could throw him.

The whole day, Adam had sat and seemed to be in a whole other world. He said nothing, but Joe could see the confusion on his face.  He had gone from being very hostile this morning, to just quiet and morose, the way he was at home when he was thinking.  Finally, about an hour after supper, Adam decided this Joe was the only person who could offer him even a shadow of help as to who he was.  He looked at the kid and, very sincerely, asked, “Who did you say I was, again?”

**********

Morning came early for Ben. He was up before dawn, and left before breakfast.  When Hop Sing woke up, he found a note from Ben that said not to worry and that he would be back later. Hop Sing decided that he would not tell Hoss about this yet, and he silently prayed for his boss’s safety.

A few miles down the road, Ben was reminiscing about each of his wives. It surprised him greatly how much each of his sons resembled their mothers in their mannerisms. The ride seemed never-ending, but he finally made it.  As soon as he hit town, he made a beeline for the jail.  Roy was sitting outside just enjoying a cup of coffee, but when Ben rode up, the look on his face said that there was something dreadfully wrong.  Roy took Ben inside and made him explain everything.

“They haven’t come back, and I haven’t heard anything about them for days. You’ve got to help me, Roy.  I can’t go into those mountains alone, and my boys certainly should have known better.”

Roy sat and mulled over the situation for a moment. Finally, he spoke up, “Well, Ben, the only thing I can figure to do is gather any hands you have, and we’ll go out to see what we can find. Any tracks they left will have disappeared by now, so I don’t know what we can find.  I can’t imagine either one of them boys would let the other die no matter how mad they might be.  Ben, you taught them better. You taught them that they are brothers now, and they’ll always be brothers.”

“I know that, Roy, but I have to find them soon. Even you know that no one can survive for very long out in the cold without proper supplies.  It may just be the fact that I’m their father, but I’m more worried about them now than I have been in a long time.”

With that knowledge in the back of their minds, they returned to the Ponderosa. A few men from town joined up along the way, men who had favors to repay or friendships to prove. All in all, when they set out toward the mountains, they had close to twenty men, a fairly sizeable amount.

When they were far enough away they couldn’t see the ranch house any more, they split into groups. Roy took the family men from town and went to the south, just in case the boys had found their way out and got turned around. A group of unmarried townsmen went almost due west, to see if they ran into Indian trouble. Ben took the remaining men, being mostly his ranch hands, and headed northwest, toward the mountains. The other two groups were told that, if they didn’t find any sign of the boys after traveling about fifty miles, then they were to turn and head for their homes and families. Ben, however, was determined to find his boys or die trying.

**********

Joe had spent the better part of nearly two hours recounting to Adam what had happened in his life, who he knew, where he’d been, even why he felt like beating the “crap” out of Joe every time he looked at him. After telling Adam about the last part, Joe expected to meet a balled up, right fist, but to his surprise Adam just sat there.  He looked at Joe for a while, and then stated rather bluntly, “That fills in the blanks for me.  However, I’d really like to meet the man you say is my Pa.”

“Why?” Joe was more than a little confused now; he never knew Adam to accept at face value anything he’d been told.  After all, he was the “intelligent one” of the family and always had a ton of questions about everything.

“I want to know that I have his permission to smack you, that way, I know it would be more enjoyable.”

Joe was scared there at first, thinking that Adam remembered their fight, but then he realized, with stark relief, that Adam had a slight grin on his face.

**********

The next day, Adam helped Joe get the things loaded onto the pack animals, and saddle the horses. They left the cabin shortly after dawn broke to make seeing things easier. Adam now would talk to Joe, but he still couldn’t believe all of the things that he had been told.  Nevertheless, he had decided to go with Joe to meet the man who was supposedly his father.

Just over the first hill, they ran into deep snow drifts. Joe knew they shouldn’t go much further like this, because you never knew what lay under a deep drift.  He knew that a lame horse was the last thing he needed at this point.  He and Adam dismounted and started to think of ways to get through the snow. Even though Adam still couldn’t remember who he was, he figured out a way to go through.  He told Joe to wade through the drift first, to make a path. “Then, we can lead the horses through, with the pack animals behind. What do you think?”

Joe had to think on it for a moment, and then he started pushing through. Even with a Swiss-cheese brain, Adam was still smarter than he was.

**********

After being out in the harsh Nevada winter for over two days, you’d think that a man would have sense enough to head for home.  Not Ben, though. He had precious beings out there and he felt they might need his help.  Every time they stopped to rest, Ben would ask the hands if it was worth it to keep going; that he’d understand if they wanted to turn back. The men knew he was asking their honest opinion, but they were just as worried about the boys as Ben was, so they decided to keep pushing on.  Ben knew in the back of his mind, however, that they couldn’t stay out very many more days or they’d have Hoss hot on their trail.

Toward midday, the group stopped to rest, eat, and warm up. They built a fire big enough for a blind man to spot, but no one was that worried. Most of the Indians were in their lodges lasting out the winter, waiting for spring. After they had finished eating and were talking about where to go next, Ben turned and looked toward the direction they’d been heading. “Call it fatherly instinct, call it worry, call it whatever you wish, but I swear I heard something out there.”

**********

After getting through the drifts, Joe and Adam were well on their way and encountered few problems.  When he didn’t have a brother to worry about, Joe realized that the countryside was extremely beautiful.  Adam, too, almost couldn’t believe that this was the kind of stuff he was able to see all the time.

A little ways down the road, they stopped to eat and rest their horses. They enjoyed what jerked meat they had, and just sat and talked. About midway through it all, Adam happened to look over his shoulder and saw what he considered a welcome sight.  He pointed it out to Joe to make sure he wasn’t imagining things.  It was a fire.

Joe commented that it was far too big to be an Indian fire, as they build their fires small so as not to be seen, so it must have been laid by white men.

“But, who would be all the way out here?” Adam wondered out loud.  Instantly, Joe knew who it was. “Come on, Adam. There’s someone you need to see!”

**********

As they were getting the animals packed up to move forward, one of the hands looked around and saw something out of place. He saw a big wave of snow headed their way. He quickly showed it to Ben and the others.  They’d let it get closer before they decided how to deal with it.  Ben was sure glad he did, too.

Dismounting before his horse had come to a complete stop, Joe went to hug his father. Ben was glad, but he was also confused, for Adam didn’t climb down.

“Come down son, we’ll let your horses rest a while, and then head home,”  Ben gestured to Adam.   When there was no response, he turned to his youngest son and said, “Joseph, what’s wrong with your brother?”

It was then, as Joe was explaining to their father what had happened, that Adam dismounted, walked toward Ben, and said the one word that made Joe so happy he could’ve burst . . . “Pa.”

Warming themselves by the fire, Joe and Adam told Ben and the others what had happened and about the man who had helped them.   No one had any inkling of the man’s identity, but they each gave silent thanks for his intervention and kindness. 

“And speaking of kindness to others, have you two apologized to each other for your behavior?” Ben inquired.

Joe and Adam looked anywhere but at their father or each other.  Finally, Joe took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, “I’m sorry, Adam, for the things I said, for fighting with you, and . . . and for letting a woman come between us.”

Adam raised an eyebrow, at the last statement.  “I’m still foggy on the details of what transpired, but I am certain of one thing,” he said, locking eyes with his brother.  “No matter how angry you were, you risked your life to find me, and I’m grateful.  Thank you.”  Adam extended his hand out to Joe, who took it firmly in his own.  But when Joe released his grip, Adam said, “However,” tightening his.  “Don’t think that my temporary amnesia made me forget, Little Brother.  I’m still going to beat the living crap out of you.”

Joe wasn’t too worried, though, since Adam had a big smile on his face when he said it.

“Well, I’m just glad you two are okay.  I hope you’ve learned your lesson, though,” Ben stated very sternly.

“Yeah,” Joe piped up. Before he could finish, though, Adam interrupted with, “We’ve learned to have all our big fights before the snow falls!”

—The End—