Summary: Sometimes one has to face the past in order to move forward. Even with help, that can be a trap if the people in your past aren’t ready to move on too.  The first story is an expansion of the January 1, 2023 Bonanza Brand Pinecone. The second story tells more of the early struggles of the family and what resulted from those.
Rating: PG  Word count: 6,053

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Regret

For years, I felt trapped and hemmed in by rules and responsibilities. I thought I had to leave to free my mind and soul, but I found that freedom was the ultimate trap. Traveling with loneliness and regret as companions was more restricting than any expectations others had ever had of me. I look back now on what I could have had and know I can’t capture what was lost. I don’t even know if I can return to what I had and start over, but I know it’s what I should try to do. I need a home and a family. I need roots. Without roots, there is no nurturing. Without nurturing, there is no growth. No one is by nature, a hermit or a recluse, but I feel like one now even when I am surrounded by people.

One can have all sorts of depressing thoughts like these when laying in a jail cell recovering from a bullet wound. I wasn’t under arrest and hadn’t done anything wrong. At least I hadn’t done anything illegal. What I had done wrong was move right instead of left during a shootout and got myself shot. I know better. When bullets are flying, take cover, but I got distracted. That’s been happening too often lately too. I started thinking that the man we were after was hardly more than a boy, and that’s when he shot me. Thinking and a little hesitation gave him an edge that he shouldn’t have had. It didn’t last. Even wounded, I arrested him. Then I fell down.

Now I have a stinking cot in a jail cell for my recuperation because I don’t have enough money with me to pay for a room at the hotel. No one in this town knows who I am so I can’t get credit. If I told them my true name, they would laugh. The name I use makes me the same as any other stranger who rides into town without the money to pay for a room. So I’m stuck with this mattress that smells of the hundred or so men who laid on it before me and deposited various bodily fluids. It is a hindrance to recovery, but there is no other choice for me at the moment. I’m not strong enough to leave here and camp by myself. The sheriff was kind enough to wrap a clean blanket around the offensive pad beneath me, but it didn’t take long for the odors to penetrate that cover.

The incessant whining of the young man who shot me only adds to my misery. I’ll have to take him to Denver as soon as I am able. The saddlebag full of money he stole will be more welcome than he is. What is more important are the papers that were in those saddlebags. Luckily, he never had the leisure time to sort through what he had stolen and throw away what he probably thought were unimportant papers. Yet, those papers were the reason I was sent to bring in a man for a small robbery. As for me, it won’t matter much one way or another, I suppose, to the people there. I did my job. That’s what they expect. When they see me, that’s all they see. I’m very good at what I do. They have no concern that my life is empty. I need to change that.

The beginning is always today. It’s a good thought, but what the hell do I do?

 

ooooooooooo

 

“You look like maybe you been down-and-out a time or two in your life. Can’t you give me a chance and let me go?”

“I can’t.”

“Why? You got your money back. I ain’t killed nobody.”

“I swore an oath to uphold the law, and I made a promise to do a job. You broke the law, and there is that other issue between us.”

“What? Oh. I wouldn’t likely have shot you if you hadn’t done something so stupid.”

There was no choice for me. I had to take him back, and riding only weeks after being shot didn’t put me in much of a mood to listen to his complaints about it. He wasn’t helping his cause, but to be honest, there was nothing he could say that would help his cause. Of course, that was before he said something that helped his cause.

“I wanted to go back home and admit to my father I shouldn’t have left. I didn’t want to go back as a total failure. A little money would have helped. I didn’t think people would get so upset that I grabbed a little money bag from the freight office.”

“It wasn’t the money. There were important papers in that satchel.”

“Damn. No matter what I do, I mess things up. I really should never have left home. My family would have made sure I did things right. I thought I was so smart, and all I proved was how much I needed my family.”

“Where would you go if you could?”

“I already told you.”

The beginning is always today, and my life changed again with the decision I made that night.

 

ooooooooooo

 

No job. No plan. It was time to face the man who scared me and intrigued me as much as I admired and respected him.

“I think I want to go home, but I’m not sure. After all I said when I left and that I haven’t said anything much since then, I’m worried about it. I’m not the same, and I suppose neither are they. So much has changed. I remember what it was like when you showed up after all that time away. You were only there a short time, and it wasn’t pleasant.”

“You start by going back.”

“I don’t think that’s what you did.”

I suppose it was difficult to determine if I was accusing or questioning. He didn’t know me well enough yet to know but chose to assume the more respectful version. That helped our relationship develop.

“You’re right, it wasn’t. I waited a long time before I returned for a visit. I wasn’t ready to make any concessions so I never intended to go back to stay. Will you and do you?”

“Sure. Well, I guess so. I don’t know.”

“Those are two of many decisions you need to make. First though, you look exhausted. Why don’t we get you settled in one of the guest rooms. We have time to talk tomorrow.”

“We can talk more tomorrow?”

“Of course, we can. You’re my brother.”

“Thank you. I’ve faced down criminals and politicians, and sometimes I could hardly tell the difference. It was harder coming here to face you too after what I said to you about not going back. But you gave me a job when I really needed one, and you know more than anyone how hard this will be.

“And?”

“I couldn’t think of anyone better than you to ask for help.”

“Now I have to thank you. That you trust me like that says more about us being brothers than anything else could. Grab your stuff, and I’ll show you to a room.”

“Can I ask why you have so many guest rooms?”

“I think you just did.”

“Huh?”

“Forget that. It’s an old joke.”

Would he be honest and give me an answer to the question I had asked? I didn’t think of it as a test when I blurted it out, but I knew it was after I said it. If he hoped for trust, he had to give it so it was a test. Maybe he knew that or maybe not. I didn’t know yet how smart he was or how wise.

“We hoped for more children. We have two, twins, and they prefer sharing a room.”

 

ooooooooooooo

 

Soon after I got to the guest bedroom, I wondered where the necessary was. I had not seen one when stabling my horse. When I walked back down the stairs to ask, I overheard something I know I wasn’t supposed to hear. She asked if I was settled in for the night.

“He is.”

“I met you when you were tortured like that.”

“You stole my heart and saved my soul.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude, but I don’t know where the necessary is.”

They smiled, and she told me that they had a water closet on each floor. I should have known. I appreciated how after that night, my sister-in-law talked to me about practical things and in supportive ways. The best was that she told me Adam liked to say she was his anchor, but she didn’t like hearing him say that. No matter how often he explained that she kept him from drifting off aimlessly, she couldn’t help but interpret it to mean she tied him down. I thought about that and how I wished I had a woman or anyone in my life who could do that for me and care that much at the same time.

 

oooooooooooooo

 

That first morning, I was still nervous.

“I wasn’t sure you would even talk to me after I made you fire me. You had to do it after I let that kid go. I knew you would know he didn’t escape on his own.”

I wanted him to know I would be honest about everything so he could speak freely with me.

“You could have told me you wanted to be fired.”

“I thought maybe you could guess that. I’m sorry. I should have told you.”

When he smiled, I knew he was teasing me and that I had misread him again.

“You’re really good at that, you know. I wish I could do that.”

“What is that?”

“Say something like you did and keep a look that fools people into thinking you mean it. I give everything away by always looking so honest.”

“I don’t look honest?”

Well, I really put my foot in my mouth there. I wanted his help, and I needed to be more careful in what I said.

“No, I mean yes, of course you do. But you look like you’re keeping things to yourself. I never know exactly what you’re thinking. Like the night I showed up here and said I’d left home but was having trouble keeping a job. You said you would help. I had no idea what you meant.”

“I didn’t know what the best way to help was so I kept my options open.”

“That’s smart for you, but it was a little hard on me. I didn’t know what to expect.”

He didn’t say anything. I was beginning to figure out that he didn’t say things just to fill the air. My thought was that he figured I already knew that it was a good habit to have and something I should work on. He didn’t need to say it if I knew it already. Having a conversation with him meant I had to use my head and not blurt out any old thing that popped into my head. In fact, I kept this whole conversation to myself, and I saw him with that little smile again like he knew that too. It was maddening. I wanted to ask, and then I knew again. He did know. How he knew was the issue, but I would think about that and not ask him. It also gave me an understanding of why some men said he was so difficult to talk with. He wasn’t. They were lazy. He said everything that needed to be said but didn’t do your thinking for you or your talking either for that matter. He was quiet all this time letting me work it all out. He had that little smile that some called a smirk but was an acknowledgment that I was making progress. Then I got to smile too.

“Am I going to give myself advice too?”

“Is that what you want or do you want a plan?”

That damn smile again. It was getting slightly irritating. I guess I did want him to talk more, but it wasn’t his way. Thank the Lord the twins interrupted then. Following on their heels, she said she was sorry, but she wasn’t. It was planned. She knew him well and probably guessed he was torturing me. She ignored him at first and talked to me.

“You need to start talking and not stop. He will not offer an opinion until he knows it all. Until then, he can be a pain in the behind as you have already discovered. I love him dearly, but I know that trait well. He does not like learning things in bits and pieces and keeps people on edge so they reveal more. You could learn quite a lot in the process of telling your story slowly, but you might wish you had never come here either. Better to pull that sliver fast rather than to let it fester.”

She looked over to see him frowning.

“Don’t look at me like that. You always want the truth. He deserves it too. Besides, you don’t scare me.”

She ushered the children out then. I could see her grinning and suspected he knew she was. If she could talk like that, so could I. I guessed that was why she had intervened. Tamping down my worry and fear, I let him know my dark thoughts and deep fears. He was a soul who understood without judging and listened without condemning. He wasn’t hearing anything new because his experiences paralleled my own. I didn’t worry about my language or what I said. I was honest.

I had planned to stay a day or two if he would allow it. A month later, I headed home or what I hoped could still be my home. The two of them had helped me find my focus. Adam was familiar as anyone could be with examining his options and evaluating them. He taught me how to do that in a realistic way looking forward more than back. I had always had the impression that he had made his decisions based on the past. What I discovered was how to look to the future after learning the lessons of the past. We are responsible for our own happiness. My decisions not the actions of others were going to determine my future. That was the plan I formed to go forward. I had the feeling that he had some regret that he had not done the same sooner in his life.

 

oooooooooooooooo

 

Hands on hips looking formidable, arms folded across his chest in judgment, or arms out in welcome were all possibilities I anticipated, but one I never expected crushed me. He walked back into the house. I almost mounted up and rode back out, but I heard my name. With my other brothers, he was back, and there were tears in his eyes. It was as if he had not known what his first reaction had done to me. There were still going to be problems, but I had known that too. The welcome home included hugs, slaps on the back and shoulder, and promises of a sumptuous dinner. It was so different that the welcome I had received at my stay in Denver.

“I’m glad you came here. I’ve been waiting for you.”

“You were waiting for me to show up?”

“Of course. After all that happened, I knew you needed some help. I’m you brother.”

That had been it. There had been no hugging and no promises of big meals. Instead, he had wanted to know what I needed. I didn’t hear any of that here. I did hear how they needed help on the ranch and that there was a drive coming up. I didn’t say too much about that. I thought I could probably help out. I wondered though when anyone would get around to asking what I wanted to do. It came in a roundabout way.

“Where have you been?”

“Most recently in Denver with my brother.”

Silence can communicate so much more than words. My father said nothing and my other brothers deferred to him. They were uncomfortable. I wasn’t. I had learned well. I waited.

“I see you’ve learned some of his habits.”

“That I politely waited for your response to my statement?”

“You don’t have to use that tone with me.”

“That I stated truthfully what I was thinking?”

“Pa, maybe we ought to try starting this conversation over again.”

My brother Hoss played the role he did so well. My other brother, Joe, waited and hoped.

“How is your brother?”

When I left, I asked how much I could share of the conversations we had had. He had told me I would know the answer when the situation presented itself. He was right again. The question had been posed as a bit of a challenge so it got the answer it deserved.

“You should ask him if you go visit.”

“You have returned with quite an attitude.”

“I respect my brother’s privacy.”

It was time to deliver my longer response which hardly touched the surface of all that I felt and thought. I thought it was what they needed to know. You know, pull that sliver instead of letting it fester.

“I left here years ago because I had lived on my own for so long and came to resent all the rules and responsibilities I had here. That was not wise. I should have accepted the rules at my age then, and the responsibilities were to be expected. I have come back and will accept responsibilities as much as I can while I am here. But I have some plans too, and I am a man now and will follow my own rules.”

“You expect me to change?”

“No, I told you that I have changed. You can accept that or not, and change or not.”

That was far bolder than I had intended to be. I felt that I was pushed so I pushed back even as I cautioned myself that wasn’t how to handle this. It was only going to make my father defensive, and that would make him say things he would likely regret later. I know he didn’t have the habit of carefully considering what he said to his sons.

Dessert was served and was a welcome break giving me time that I needed. I didn’t know what I could say next. I even wondered if I was still welcome with how the tone of the conversation had changed. What happened next made me wonder if the dessert might have been slightly magical. My father’s words were quite a contrast to what I had expected.

“I have tried to change, but it seems I need to be dragged, kicking and fighting every step of the way. I have to accept that you are changed. I will need to adapt. Please be tolerant of my efforts to do so. I have to admit I am not good at this. I do have one question that I beg you to answer. It will help me to sleep at night. Is your brother happy?”

“Yes, I think he is.”

I said nothing more, and they knew why even if they didn’t like it.

“You won’t tell me anything more?”

“It’s not my story to tell.”

“You are very much like your brother.”

“Thank you.”

Not liking that bit of a scowl I got for my honest response even if it was brief, I thought I should re-evaluate my decision to return. Maybe it was a mistake. What some interpreted as bitterness in my brother and now likely in me was regret that our father wasn’t going to accept us as we were. At his age, even with good intentions, I doubted he would ever see his sons as men. I knew why my brother had not returned. He had said instead she had stolen his heart and saved his soul. I understood that now and wondered how I would save my own.

 

 

First Regret

Adam’s Journals

There are so many times I’m grateful that I have these journals. The negative thoughts and feelings I have inside churn around so much and the bitterness and anger spew out at those I love. I don’t want to hurt them, and I know that I do. Without this outlet, it would be far worse. Releasing my thoughts on paper is the only way I have to cope with how I feel. I’ve never been one who can easily cry or ask for understanding. I wish I could, but it isn’t the man I am.

 

oooooooooooo

 

It’s hard for me to accept that my youngest brother would accept the word of a woman he hardly knows over mine. Melinda Banning made a ridiculous accusation, and Little Joe is willing to believe her that I kissed her. She kissed me and in a way she never should have if she supposedly is willing to marry him. At least Pa believed me although he seemed reluctant to do so at first. I don’t know what is happening in this family. They should know by now how important my integrity is to me yet they will question it at the first opportunity. I’m glad for the chance to get away for a short time. Hopefully, time and distance will help heal the divisions. It was too simple to think it was only the issues of the War that divided us, but apparently, the fissures are deeper than political disagreements.

 

ooooooooooooo

 

For weeks, I’ve been having that same nightmare only the terrible event actually happened. I shot my little brother. It was an accident, but I’m afraid no one completely believes that no matter what they say. Yes, I know that even Little Joe has said he forgives me, and that he admits he was responsible too for not following good hunting practices that day. Yet the look in his eyes and the way he says what he says don’t match the words. The long-term resentment is there magnified by this action. I have that same kind of war going on within me because I want to forgive myself, but I cannot. The mistake I made was too awful. It was an unforgivable error of judgment, and I don’t think Little Joe or my father or Hoss are ever truly going to be able to offer full forgiveness to me for that. I fear that in this instance it is my own action that has driven a wedge between me and my family.

 

oooooooooooooooo

 

Toby is dead. I remember the last conversation I had with him. We were bantering back and forth before we heard horses and the outlaws showed up. I knew one of them was Bill Enders. I didn’t dare say his name then fearing he would kill us as the only witnesses to his treachery.

Why did Toby have to run after those men with his gun? It couldn’t be a much worse day now, could it. Toby, almost like a grandfather to us when we visited with him, is gone, and I still have his blood stains on my clothing.

Worse, I had to say I knew who did it. We have done business together, shared meals, and I have often been a guest in his house. Still, Bill Enders has to pay for this. Justice has to be done, and I don’t care who fights me on it because I know they will. He’s a well-known man, a businessman, and an investor in area businesses. People aren’t probably going to be willing to listen to me when I say he’s a robber and a murderer too. Facing his wife with these accusations is the hardest of all with the pain it will cause her.

 

oooooooooooooo

 

I expected a negative response, but I never imagined it would be my father who gave me such a difficult time about accusing Bill Enders. Even after I gave him all my reasons and my thoughts, I could see his doubts. I admitted that I am human and make mistakes, but I know I’m right this time. I could see he didn’t believe me. I don’t think anyone does. Sheriff Coffee certainly doesn’t especially now that Bill has alibi witnesses.

I’m feeling more alone than a man ought to feel who lives with his family. My brothers have said nothing. It’s not a good feeling to be that lone pinon fighting the zephyr winds on the ridgeline. I hope I’m up to the task because Toby is dead, and someone has to fight to get justice for him. I’m all there is now. For me though, the lack of trust by my family and my friends is the worst pain I can endure. The wounds from this will take a long time to heal if they ever can. It may be that this will destroy some things that can never be regenerated.

I had some hope there was familial support when my family didn’t object much about a skilled rider making the ride from the station to town to see if he could do it fast enough to derail Bill’s alibi. It all seemed like it was going well until the rider didn’t get the job done fast enough. My family, especially my father, wanted me to give up what they seemed to consider the foolishness then. Oh, he didn’t use that word but I could read it in the way he looked and the way he waved that watch in front of my face. When I said that I wasn’t giving up and would find a way to prove it was Bill who murdered Toby, the look of disgust was there too. He held his watch there as if I didn’t know how to use one and looked at me as if I was a recalcitrant child, and I knew he wanted to deal with me as he would have if I was that child.

It was much the same when Bill challenged me to fight. My father and Hoss would have had me face death rather than fight for justice. It was as if they would prefer to see me dead than to have the embarrassment of this quest that they saw as foolish.

In time, my brothers came around and helped me when I decided to make that ride to prove Bill’s guilt. I made that ride, but I feel cheated. When I got to town, Bill was already in jail.

When it was over, Pa told me that it was a good ride all the way and that it took courage to hold onto my convictions. I don’t think he understands that he was the one who made it the most difficult. His lack of faith in me and lack of trust in my judgment was the hardest to face in all of this. I hope I can get by these feelings I have, but a few kind words and a slap on the back don’t take the sting away at all. He doesn’t respect me as a man.

I know I’ll be looking at people with a bit more of a jaundiced eye now holding back more of how I feel and what I think. I’ve got my mask in place already so I doubt they suspect my innermost thoughts I can’t completely trust even those closest to me, and I’m not sure what I did to get myself into this predicament. There’s distance now between me and the members of my family. They haven’t seemed to notice I’m already leaving even though I’m still living here.

 

ooooooooooooooo

 

I have admitted I am not perfect and proved it when I made another huge mistake in judgment in how I handled things with Regan and Hoss. When I went out to the garden to see Regan, I wasn’t sure which persona she was going to be using. She decided to try to seduce me to get her way and I let her kiss me to see how far she would go. I know that was a stupid thing to do.

When I turned away from her, my shoulders dropped. I knew I had done it all wrong and that I had caused pain where I had meant to prevent it. When I found out Hoss had seen that I knew I might have caused more because now Hoss was hurting because of Regan and because of me. It was clear he was going to break off his relationship with Regan and probably tell her why leaving no room for doubt. She might cry real tears, but I guessed they would be more for her lost opportunities than for the harm she had caused Hoss and the pain in his heart.

When I got home, Hoss was waiting for me. It was when I saw him that I knew he was aware of what had happened. His words backed that up. Nodding in response, I backed up and then turned because of the look Hoss had. I know my brother has a temper and have been on the receiving end of it more than once. When Hoss stepped close, my apology wasn’t likely to be enough and I waited for whatever I had coming. It didn’t take long. Hoss hit me with a strong uppercut that sent me flying across the room.

“I ain’t a boy needs you to look out for me. You owed me the truth. It wasn’t your place to go see Regan.”

Wiping my bloodied lip with my sleeve, I offered the only explanation I had. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“You think this was better? I’m no boy any more needs my older brother to look out for me. Ifn I make a mistake, it’s up to me to fix it or live with it. You know something from now on, you tell me. You kept the truth from me with Helen and now with Regan. I don’t need you no more. You hear me?”

“I hear you.”

The message Hoss sent was greater than he intended though. Those words that he didn’t need me any longer were still echoing in my mind hours and even days and weeks later. My father needed me less and less as my brothers had gotten older. My relationship with my youngest brother has always been contentious. The one constant had been my close relationship with Hoss. Now it seemed I had fractured that. It was the beginning of thoughts that I hadn’t seriously considered for over ten years. I once dreamed of traveling and of making my own way in the world. Although I had given up my dream because my family needed me, I began to think that was an option I should consider once more. If I wasn’t needed, I saw no purpose to my staying. I was very quiet much of the time and kept those thoughts to myself. I kept more and more of my thoughts to myself.

Later the night that Hoss hit me when we were in the bunkhouse, he came to apologize or at least explain his actions. Hoss had seemed worried that he had hurt me physically because of his blow when I didn’t say much to him. With no idea that it was his words that had done the damage, he reached out to me. I said I was fine.

“Yeah, I’m sorry I hit ya. I got so mad riding back here that I wasn’t thinking too well when I walked in here and saw ya. I only remembered what happened and how much it was gonna hurt to tell Regan it was over. I wanted to hit something or somebody, and you were right there.”

“It’s all right. I deserved it.”

“Aw, don’t go blaming yourself. Why don’t you go get cleaned up and then come on in and have a drink with us while we talk it all out?”

“Yeah, I’ll do that.” I had no intention of doing much talking then or perhaps ever again with my family.

 

ooooooooooooo

 

I didn’t make the decision to leave the Ponderosa easily. The most troubling event was what happened with Toby Barker and my claim that it was Bill Enders who did it. That set me on an inevitable path to departing my home. Each thing that happened after that weakened the ties that held me to the only home I had ever known. It didn’t feel like a safe haven but more of a place from which I had to escape. The constant reminders that I didn’t belong and wasn’t trusted were daggers to the heart until I couldn’t take the torment any longer.

Some of what happened was my fault. I never told my family how they hurt me. It wasn’t in my character to do that kind of thing. I didn’t cry. I didn’t ask for help. Those are flaws in me that contributed to what happened. I don’t believe my father and brothers ever deliberately set out to harm me. What they did though were the worst kind of hurt that they could have done if they had set out to do me harm in the most terrible way. The opposite of love is indifference. That’s what it felt like. It seemed they didn’t care enough to want to know how I felt or why.

 

oooooooooooooo

 

After Adam left:

It was two more years after the trouble with Regan and three years after that with Bill Enders before Adam left, but that night that Hoss hit him, he began pulling away from his family. He became even more solitary and certainly quieter. Although it happened gradually, Ben saw it. He wondered about it, but never knew the reason why it happened.

Years after Adam left and they had lost contact with him, Joe found old journals Adam left behind, and in those dusty volumes, the truth was revealed. Rummaging about in the storage area, he noticed the small trunks that Adam said he would send for but never had. His curiosity had always been untamed so he gave in and opened them. The simple locks were easy to pick. One of the trunks held drawings, mementos, pictures, and various things that Adam had collected over his time on the Ponderosa. The other had more personal items, and among those were several leather-wrapped journals. Looking at the dates written in Adam’s unmistakable and rather elegant style, Joe chose the last in the series. He opened it and paged through it until the entries made him stop and read more and more. The entries were sporadic from the last three years of Adam’s life on the Ponderosa. He finished that one and then read another and then another. When Joe finished reading, he set the journals back in the chest, closed it, and sat staring at the closed trunk wondering what he should do next. He had read the most private thoughts of his oldest brother. All these years, he had been upset with Adam for leaving never realizing how he and the rest of the family had unintentionally helped push his oldest brother out. He took the journals and put them in his closet giving himself time to think about what to do with them. He knew how the contents would hurt Hoss and his father, and with Adam long gone, he didn’t see a purpose to having them learn what was in those journals.

Now Jamie was back and his father and Hoss were still thinking about Adam as they always had. Joe knew he had to do what he had thought about doing years earlier. Thinking it was pointless, he had not done it. Rummaging in the back of his closet, he pulled those journals and stood holding them before turning to walk down the stairs. It was time for the truth for all of them no matter how painful some of it might be. They might learn enough so that no more harm would be done to members of this family. The beginning is always today. It was long overdue too.