Summary: A crossover story that is unusual in that it is Bonanza and an original story blended together. A young woman in the Carson Valley encounters the Cartwrights and develops a long-term relationship with Adam. Life in the early era is harsh and the story reflects that and is realistic in its portrayals of daily life and the violence of the west.
Rating: T  Word count: 10,546

Carson Encounters

“We’ve arrived here in the Carson Valley. I wish we had stayed in Missouri, but Caleb insists we made the right choice. There’s almost nothing here, and the neighbors are so distant not that I will likely enjoy their company. I long for the sight of trees and green things. I have not met a single family here that is of the same faith. We may have to attend a church not to our liking. What we will do about any children we have in such a setting, I do not know. There is little to recommend the place or to nurture any kind of growth. To me, it seems too dry for farming, but Caleb insists it is only a dry spell. I don’t know. I look around and there are only things that look like they are struggling to survive and nothing that is thriving and everything seems dry no matter where I look. The evidence seems more on my side, but I am a woman who is not expected to know about such things or so he keeps reminding me. Of course, he’s still disappointed that I do not have a child yet and acts as it that is entirely my doing. He seems to completely ignore his role in the affair. I submit as I must each time he desires, but I do think that if he would want a child he would desire me more often. He goes with the men sometimes to the trading post. When he comes back, I swear, I think he has been with a woman, but I don’t know how that can be. I guess I am not so knowledgeable about such things, and there is no one here to talk to about such matters either.”

“Washing dishes with sand to preserve water has become a fact of life. Sometimes it means a bit of grit in the meal. As I thought, this area is too dry. There are areas better suited to farming than this farm that Caleb chose because here there simply is not enough rain for the crops he wants to grow. We wear the same clothing for at least a week, and even the rags I need every month cannot be rinsed as often as I wish. We can usually only use water for a full bath on one day a month. Even then, the wash tub is only one third full of water that is heated on the stove. There is not enough wood either. We have to go further and further to collect wood to burn. When we do, we are warned to watch for the Indians as they do not like us cutting down the trees they consider to be theirs. A couple of men were killed not long ago on a mission to cut wood. It has made all of us more worried about what could happen if we stray too far from our homes. I am lucky that Papa taught me how to shoot. Caleb has spent some of our meager funds to buy a second rifle so that I have one here at our cabin. Yes, we have a cabin now. It is small, but I feel so much more secure than living out of that wagon. I still have to cook outside over an open fire as we do not have a stove and the chimney is not yet completed. The roof is a strange mix of boards, thatch, and some oilskin. I guess Caleb did his best but we didn’t have enough money to buy the proper materials. It keeps out the rain well enough, but bugs and dirt fall down. A bit disgusted by it all, I hung our muslin sheets as a ceiling. It may look a bit odd, but it helps to keep our food as well as our bed free of falling insects and debris. As I expected, Caleb only complained about our blanket being too scratchy now. Don’t know how he can tell as the weather is getting colder and we sleep with all our clothing on under our quilts. He says he will get the chimney done before winter, and I can only hope that is true. My hands are red and sore doing everything out in the cold wind. Caleb was able to sell the wagon to give us more money to buy supplies. That part is good, but it means that we are trapped here with no way to leave now.”

“As it gets colder, all sorts of wild creatures want to live in here with us. I spend my days hunting and being half scared to death of what may be hiding in the dark corners of our little home. Insects bring in vermin which attract snakes. Mice or other little critters I can smash with a broom or chase until I think they rush out, but the snakes scare me. I know people can die of bites from the snakes they have here. I have a board across the threshold now and hope that stops any snake, but I fear the unfinished chimney is still a way in. I build a fire in there every day even if it does make the cabin a bit smoky. I think the snakes won’t like that either. When Caleb complains, I tell him to finish the damn thing. Sorry for that but I am getting as coarse as the land out here. Part of it is that I am now sure that Caleb sees a woman when he goes with the men to the trading post. A woman who lives near here stopped on her way to the post and asked if I needed anything. She made some remarks that made it clear she knew what my Caleb has been doing and why we don’t have money to buy a stove or finish that chimney as it should be done. I know enough about herbs that I’m thinking of looking around for the right plants and fixing him proper, but I would like to have a child even if he is the father. He is an only child. If I have no children, the family line ends with me. It is a great responsibility to carry and not one I take lightly.”

“My heart began to harden toward my husband and my resolve to be a good wife changed soon after that. Caleb came home with grisly news. He had a plan to resolve our financial difficulties by going hunting with some men who came into the trading post. They were drinking and got Caleb to drink with them. Caleb said a couple of the other men here joined in too. Their plan is to join these men to go hunting in California. That’s what he called it as if it is the most natural thing in all creation, but what they plan to do is evil. They plan to hunt down Indians and scalp them. They will get paid bounties for each scalp. Caleb said that with ten scalps, he can make more money than he had in the past two years.”

“I found sleep almost impossible at first when Caleb left but that eased after a few weeks until some visitors arrived. They were looking for Caleb and his friends. One of the men had a badge, but the others were part of what they called a posse. It seems Caleb and the others killed some Indians near Virginia City and stirred up a lot of trouble. These men want to arrest him and the others and take them back for trial. I don’t know why he was there when he was supposed to be in California. I told them where he had been going, what he was doing, and why. Their look of disgust was as great as what I felt. I’m sure they heard it in my voice as I told them of my husband’s plans. I offered them coffee and some bread I had baked. I didn’t have much in the way of supplies, but these were decent men. I wanted to do something for them. They sat outside with me then and drank coffee and ate the fresh bread. I learned their names. The one with the badge was Sheriff Roy Coffee. When I told him my thoughts or some of them, his eyes were kind. The others were brothers although I would not have guessed it except by the way they showed concern for each other. Their name was Cartwright. The biggest of them, Hoss, has a friendly look and a kind manner. His blue eyes send a look that is comforting. The smallest is Joe who is the youngest and shows a mischievous bent. He made me smile more than once mostly by talk that was funny enough to make me forget the terrible reason they were there. The oldest, Adam, though is always looking about and thinking. He has a serious demeanor but a kind and gentle nature about him. I can tell he wonders about my situation. He said little to me but listened carefully as I spoke and asked questions to get me to tell more. I fear I said too much, but it was such a relief to have decent people to talk with and share my concerns with. Before they left, they each said nice things to me and thanked me for my hospitality. None said anything more to me about Caleb. Adam pressed some coins into my hand as he said his farewell. He held my hand as he did so to make sure I knew he meant what he said. I wanted to say there was no need, but before I could, he smiled a soft smile and said he knew I needed those coins more than he did. I had tears in my eyes at the truth of his words. When he released my hands, he reached into a pocket to take out a handkerchief and gave it to me to wipe the tears away. It was another gesture that made me tear up. I wished I could know more people like these four and especially the one in all-black clothes.

“Caleb returned that night and appeared unaware that I had had visitors. He told me that he and the others had been in California doing their ‘hunting’ but found what he called ‘targets’ too scarce there. He said they tried again in the Sierras but found opposition especially from a powerful ranch there that didn’t want their murderous ways and the trouble they could cause. He cursed the Cartwrights and said what he would do to them if ever they caught them away from their ranch. I was glad he didn’t notice my reaction to the name. He was unaware that he was being pursued and that they were aware of his identity. He continued with his tale of how they were frustrated so he and the others have come back here to get scalps. It turns my stomach to even write the words. There are towns in California paying up to twenty-five dollars per scalp. They plan to kill Indians here because as they have said no one can tell an Indian scalp from one tribe to another tribe. They can’t even tell a man from a woman by the scalp. They will take them to California and turn in the lot for bounties. That’s what he said as if that isn’t the most sickening thing he could say. Nothing I said could make him change his mind. He seems excited about the evil things he plans to do, and I must say that his enthusiasm is at a greater level than I have seen in him in the years we have been together. I even threw up in his face that he sees a woman at the trading post, and he said the vilest things to me about that. He said I was like those Cartwrights trying to tell other people what right and wrong is. Living out here, Caleb is giving in to all the worst of the impulses a man could have and no longer has the sense to tell right from wrong.”

“It seems that there are others here who do the same. I have been thinking about this. Stealing the land from the Indians has made some men feeling guilty enough that they resort to having to defend their actions. The only thing they can do to make themselves believe they are in the right is to reduce the Indians to being animals unworthy of even the least consideration. They act as if they have the moral authority to do anything.”

“However, now I have met other men out here who have learned to survive and even prosper without being evil. I can tell the Cartwrights and their friend Sheriff Coffee are hard men as need be, but they are still decent and kind to those who need that. Their decency toward me and the fairness of Adam’s gesture was all I needed to know about their morality. The gentle way I was treated showed me they would never do the things that Caleb does. When the four men were here, we talked briefly about Indians. They admitted the dangers that exist, but Adam said something that stuck with me. He told me that most Indians respect courage, fairness, and honesty. I said I heard they steal. He smiled that little smile he has as he said they only take things from their enemies. To them, it is an act of war not a crime. Agreeing with him, Hoss talked quite a bit then to explain more about how they didn’t have any problem with that because they shared with their Paiute neighbors and treated them with respect. They didn’t take things that belonged to the Paiute and the Paiute didn’t take what belonged to them. They were not enemies. Joe was happy to enter our conversation and explain how their father always sent food in the form of cows to the Paiute camp when they knew they were short of food. I could tell that it was a matter of pride to Joe and to his brothers to be good neighbors. I don’t know that they were friends with their Indian neighbors, but it was as close to it as I had ever heard.”

“Still, Indians scare me. I have heard the most terrible things and did not have sufficient time to ask all I would have asked those men if I could have. I do not want to die, but I do believe the Indians must feel the same way. Trying to survive in the face of an overwhelming assault, they fight back with every means they can. Caleb and other men will not be satisfied though until all Indians are dead. I cannot be a Christian and think that way. The hypocrisy of those who would call themselves Christians and have these evil thoughts is horrible. I went to church hoping for some solace only to hear that minister talk of how this land is destined for the children of God. He dared to stand at that pulpit and say that the scourge of the Indians must be removed. How can a man of the cloth speak for the devil? My faith in everything has been shaken, no, it has almost been destroyed. If not for Adam and his brothers, I fear I would have withdrawn from being with any of my society.”

“The worst thing though about Caleb’s return was his euphoria. He wanted to tell me all about his adventure as he called it when he stuffed money into a coffee can where we saved it, and then he hid it up on a beam above the muslin. He wanted to give me the details of his grotesque behavior. He said they hadn’t gotten many scalps and when they got more that can wouldn’t hold all the money he would bring home. I was having none of it. His clothing was stained with blood and made him smell like rotting meat. My stomach turned at the stench he brought into the cabin and I told him so. I told him when I was about decent people, I didn’t smell anyone who stunk like him. He got mad and grabbed me and said he was going to show me how to be a wife. He found out that I was stronger than he thought. I told him I didn’t want his child. Until I said it, I didn’t know that was how strongly I thought that. Meeting Adam and the others had given me courage I didn’t know I had. He was angry, but there was little he could do about it at that moment. I fixed his meal, and we ate in silence. We slept that night without touching or talking. In the morning, he said he was thinking of leaving. He said he had enough money to make a fresh start somewhere else. I knew he meant to strand me there alone, but I felt more relief about that than apprehension. I think he wanted me to beg him to stay and do whatever he wanted. I responded with silence.”

“He was interrupted in his rantings by a noise outside, and he grabbed his rifle to find out what was going on. He told me he feared those Cartwrights and the others from Virginia City might have followed him. I didn’t ask. I knew why. He went out the door and I went behind him but stopped just outside. It was a Paiute man as well as I could tell. In what English he must have learned at the mission, he asked if he could have water. He pointed at the hill behind him and said his woman and children were there. Holding up his empty waterskin, he pointed at our small spring, one of the only things that actually was good about our land. Caleb nodded and smiled like he didn’t mind, but as the Indian walked to the spring and knelt to fill the skin, Caleb raised his rifle and shot him in the back toppling him into the spring. It happened so fast I couldn’t even scream. Caleb went to the spring, pulled the man by the ankles back from the water, and slipped his knife from his belt. Pulling the man’s head back, he scalped him there right before me. I began to gag and then retched beside the house. Caleb said he was going up over that hill to get another before he rode to the trading post to see those men before they left. He said it would be worth at least thirty more dollars.”

“It took some time before it made sense to me. Caleb was gone and that body lay there, and then I knew what he intended to do. Caleb had gone to murder this man’s wife and scalp her. I feared he might scalp the children too. I grabbed the other rifle from inside the house and ran up that hill as fast as I could go. I heard screams and cries. Some sounded as if they were from children. I thought I was too late. When I got to the crest of the hill and saw the scene, it seemed like only the devil could have conceived it. Caleb had that woman pinned to the ground and was having his way with her. Her children were bloodied and crying off to the side. He must have clubbed them before attacking her. I didn’t know what to do but remembered I had the rifle. I rushed down to where they were and screamed for Caleb to stop. He stood and didn’t even cover himself but swore at me to leave even as he saw me with the rifle pointed at him. She lay there injured as far as I could tell and both children were hurt too. I lowered the rifle thinking I could not shoot him as he stood there showing no shame at his behavior. He must have done it before this day. I knew then how evil he was and brought the rifle up to waist high and shot my husband in the stomach. He fell backwards screaming with blood gushing from his middle. It took some time but he died soaking the earth with his blood and filling the air with his grotesque entreaties for help mixed with his obscenities about me and about what he wanted my fate to be. The four of us were silent watching him die. She had seen the scalp. She knew her husband was dead. I could not help him and I could do no more to speed him on his way. Then he lay still and I knew he was dead.”

“I didn’t know what to do. I decided I had to go back and get her husband’s body and then I could use the horse to bring Caleb back and bury him. I told her what I was going to do. I’m not sure she understood all of it or even most of it. I made no move to get Caleb’s rifle or his knife. I hoped she would know that I was no threat to her. If only I had known what she would do. I hurried back to our cabin and got one of our horses. It took some effort to get that man on the horse even though he wasn’t a very big man probably shorter than me. I had blood on my hands by the time he was on that horse, but it seemed fitting as it was true in so many ways by then. As I got to the top of the hill, a horrible scene awaited me. The woman had taken the knife and scalped Caleb pulling his scalp down over his face. I didn’t know the meaning of this at the time. Later I knew it was for dishonor and so he would not enter heaven. What she had done to his lower parts does not need to be described here as it is too horrible for words. I know he was already dead, but the mutilation of a corpse was still evil. Her desire for vengeance must have been great. I pulled the man’s body from the horse and wondered how I could ever put Caleb on the horse as I could not even bear to touch him. She and her children had gone taking everything else that had been there including Caleb’s knife and rifle.”

“About that time, I heard the sounds of horses and feared for my life thinking it was Indians coming to seek vengeance. Instead, I was introduced to the scalp hunters who had heard gunfire and wanted to know how many others there had been. I told them Caleb had killed the one and scalped him but then had been killed while attacking three others. I told them two of the three were injured but had gotten away. They told me I was lucky to still be alive as they looked warily at the hills around us when I told them the three had a rifle. Caleb’s pockets were turned out so I said they must have taken his extra ammunition. The men asked if Caleb had brought money home. I asked them where Caleb would have gotten money as we had no crops to sell yet. They laughed and said that the Indians must have been disappointed then when they turned out his pockets and found nothing. I said he not only carried ammunition but usually a tin of matches so they probably got those too. They helped me bury him then, but I think one of them took his scalp when they lowered him into the ground. I thought I saw it on his saddle later as they mounted up to ride back to the trading post. So, I was alone, but I had quite a lot of money. I had lied because I thought they would steal the money from me if they knew it was in the cabin. I was getting quite good at violating the Commandments and felt no shame in doing so. I thought I would go somewhere and try to live a godly life if I could find such a place and remember what it was like to follow the rules. Maybe this Virginia City has room for one more.”

“It surprised me how little I missed Caleb. A few neighbors came by with gifts of food. Talking quietly with a few of them, I told them I might leave in the spring. They asked where I would go, and I had nothing to tell them. When they enquired more, I said I would pray and ask for guidance, but that was a lie. I can’t pray. I find it difficult to believe God plays any part in the world because otherwise those terrible things would not happen. We’re on our own here and we’re making a terrible mess of things. Can someone who kills a person to take their scalp go to heaven? Can the Indians go to a heaven in which they do not believe? Can a wife who kills her husband whom she has vowed to honor and obey ever be forgiven? I have so many questions and no answers. I have come to understand that Caleb was not the monster I thought him to be. He was a product of what our nation wants men to be as much as I was a wife as I was supposed to be until the day I was not. Many would think me a monster for what I did as was the woman who took her vengeance on his body. We all did what we thought our right at the time, what we thought was just and even our duty, but now I question all of that. What have we all become to do these things to one another? I hope we can all do better if I can ever think on what that might be for all. For now, I must decide what that will be for me.”

“I did ask a few of the right questions of my neighbors who seemed decent enough. I asked how to make my home warm enough so that I would not freeze in the winter. They told me how to chink the outside walls and how to ‘plaster’ the inside. It took me a long time but I managed. I was thankful again that I had that small spring. I could mix up a pail of mud and sand, mix in some dry grasses for the chinking and spread it on smoothly on the inside t seal the walls. I found that it did help quite a lot. The poor roof was a lingering problem. It was an old issue already that I didn’t want to live with bugs and worse falling into those sheets. Most people only had to sweep the floors of their home, but I had to take down my ceiling as such and shake it out regularly. I feared what might be in there too. So, despite the hardship it might give me, I sold the two horses I had and used the wood from half of the small lean-to barn and bought materials to have a better roof installed. I kept the cow for milk so I had the remainder of the barn enclosed for the safety and warmth of that cow. That was more work than I could ever manage. Two men said they would do the work for me for two dollars a day for two days of work and were happy I agreed. It was then I understood the impact of paying men twenty-five dollars for an Indian scalp and why one man would steal my husband’s scalp to sell it too. Caleb’s black shiny straight hair would look like the others and bring in the same money. I was glad then that my hair was light brown. I still some money left and had an idea for keeping myself busy for the winter. I was observant and had an excellent memory. With that and some skill, I could do artwork. To do so, I bought some supplies at the trading post noting that more houses and other buildings were being constructed around it even as the post was improved and expanded.”

“Only a month after those terrible events, the Indian woman I had saved from my husband arrived on my doorstep. Well I had saved her life at least so I thought I did not have to fear her. She came with several of the men from her tribe which did unnerve me some. They pulled a white man from a horse and dragged him to my doorstep. I was afraid some horrible thing was going to happen before my eyes, but it seemed they thought they had brought me a gift. This must be a white man they liked at least a little. He still had a pistol belt around his hips with the pistol still there too. One walked over and dropped a rifle and saddlebags beside him. The man was too big for me to pull inside at least without probably hurting him more. The blood leaking from the crude bandages under his shirt and the lump on his head said he was hurt badly already. I didn’t know if he would live. I raised my hands to show how helpless I felt. They understood what I meant and carried him inside and did so more carefully than I had expected. They left without a backward look.”

“Once the Indians left, I had work to do. The man’s clothing was filthy with dirt and blood, and all had to be removed. Much of it was torn so they could bandage him, and I could see that the bandages were made from what must have been his shirts. What shocked me was when I removed the bandage from his head and cleaned his face. It was Adam. I didn’t know why he was in such a terrible condition, but I was in a fever then to save him. He had many wounds, but I felt great relief to find that only one was serious. The Indians had taken care of it as well as they could. I cleaned it and bandaged him and did that again and again and knew I had to continue until there was no drainage and the skin was not puffy and red. I kept him clean and warm and waited for him to wake. I talked to him even knowing he could not likely hear me. If he could though, I wanted him aware that he was with a friend and one who wanted very much for him to wake. I touched his forehead and stroked his cheek. I told myself it was because I had to check for fever, but in my mind, I knew I did want to touch him to reassure him and to be in contact too with another human being. When those eyes opened and he had that little smile for me, I cried. He saw the tears and tried to raise his hand to my cheek to wipe them away. He was too weak to do that, but the attempt to make such a gentle gesture to me made me smile. That seemed to relieve his worry about me. I was crying because I was rejoicing that he was awake and said as much to him. He tipped his head to the side as if to wonder why I would care so much. It was then that I began to talk and must have talked so very much. He seemed to understand me well after my soliloquy. With all of that, I was quite embarrassed at not asking yet if he was hungry or thirsty. I finally did and rushed to get something for him when he said he was both. I spooned water and some gravy into his mouth. He swallowed and I gave him some sugar water too. I promised if he did not retch that I would bake some fresh bread for him and got another one of those small smiles as my reward. From that day on, I did what I could to help him heal and rejoiced with those small smiles and the expressions of gratitude from this man. He was such a contrast with Caleb that I hesitate to speak of the two of them in the same sentence.”

“Adam and I talked many times and the subjects varied from the funny to the very serious. He thought my description of my old ceiling rather interesting enough but held his ribs when he laughed so much at my expressions of disgust at what would fall into those sheets. He told me of his background in designing structures and building them. He gave me an evaluation of my cabin and what could be done to make it better. I asked if he could draw out those plans and he joked that it would cost me. Then he got very serious and said I had paid in full already by saving his life. He promised to do anything he could to help me and all I had to do was tell him what I needed. At that point, I didn’t fully believe him, but in time I understood him better. Eventually I told him about Caleb’s scalp hunting and how he had killed that man right outside our door and scalped him before my eyes. The rest of the story flowed from me except I never mentioned a word about what I did to Caleb. Somehow he guessed or I assume that is what he did. When I finished that story, tears were flowing and I couldn’t stop them. He told me to come closer and he wiped the tears from my cheeks with great gentleness. That was not the most important part of his actions though. He told me to forgive myself because what I did was as close to fighting for good and against evil that anyone could do. That was when I thought he had guessed what I had done. I never did admit my action, but a great darkness was lifted from my soul when Adam said those words to me.”

“I could not let my neighbors know Adam was in my home at least until he could defend himself. Some might decide to protect my honor or at least I worried about that possibility. There was an inner strength in this man that I had to admire. He did not cry out when I did the most painful ministrations as I cared for him and his injuries. Although he was weak, he struggled to assist me in his care and do as much for himself as he could so as not to trouble me. He told me his story soon after I began to care for him. He talked about his family ranch in the territory. It was called the Ponderosa and he lived there with his father and brothers. I could tell there were problems too but he didn’t tell me about those until later.”

“What he did tell me was what happened to him. Adam had been looking for those scalp-hunters and found them abusing a Paiute boy. He knew what they would do next but didn’t explain. He knew I knew too. He told me they had what he called a disagreement about their activities which turned to gunfire. I asked what happened to the scalp-hunters. With a look that showed how strongly he could act, he said they would take no more scalps. I knew what he meant and felt no sadness that those evil men were dead. There was no smile on his face with telling me of the killing he had done. Taking a life or lives was a terrible business and only to be done when absolutely necessary. Adam knew that so he didn’t smile like Caleb had done. My husband had enjoyed killing. Somehow it made him feel bigger and better than others. Adam was different. He knew that taking a life took something away from you that you could never get back. I said as much to him later and he nodded with that serious and sad look of his. I felt my heart has become so hard in such a short time, but it was not hard toward Adam. He made me realize that I still had some goodness and some softness within me. I could still care deeply for another.”

“I had wondered when I first cared for Adam how he came to be in such a sorry state. Now the fight explained some of it, but he was sicker and weaker than I expected him to be because of his wounds. With our talking, I learned the reasons. Not only did he fight them, but one of them looked to be dead and wasn’t. He attacked Adam when he was not ready to defend himself. That was how he got that blow to the head. The man took Adam’s horse and rode off. When Adam woke, he was unable to ride or even walk decently. Unable to care for himself, his condition worsened day-by-day until some Paiute came upon the camp. They did what they could for him, but by then he had infection and fever. That was why they had brought him to me. Traveling and hunting as they were, they could not care for him properly. I was so glad they thought of me when they needed a safe place for Adam. I may have been his nurse, but in many ways, he was my doctor offering healing to my heart and soul.”

“When Adam began to recover his strength, I had to get some clothing for him. Even though I have to admit I did not mind seeing him sit in that bed bare-chested and knowing there was nothing on him under that blanket, he would not be able to walk about or ride unless he had some proper clothing. He could manage to move from the bed to the table with the blanket wrapped about him for meals and for him to do his business, but it was awkward and I told him I would get him some clothing. The shirt and pants he had come with had been torn and cut away because of his wounds. The shirt in his saddlebags had been torn and used for a bandage. He still had his boots but that was about it. I had gotten rid of everything Caleb had tainted the house with and none of his clothes would have fit this tall, muscular man anyway. But there was no way to keep my secret with those purchases at the post. My standing in the community dropped even further when news that I had a male guest became known.”

“Once Adam had a shirt and pants, we were able to take short walks outside and sit in the cool evening air and talk. He drew out much more of my story. He had a gentle way about him. I was not used to talking to a man like that. In fact, I was not used to talking to a woman like that either. I had thought him quite comely when I first saw him even dirty and bloodied as he was. Cleaned up he was so much better, and when he smiled, I thought no man was as handsome as he was. The dimple on his cheek stood out so well with that full smile he graced me with at times. Although I did not tell him the worst things I had done, I had the feeling by the look he gave me that he guessed. The Paiute may have said something too. The boy he saved came for a visit to see if Adam had lived. At least, I guessed that was the purpose of the visit. Adam walked out to talk with the boy and there were several warriors there who rode with him. They looked very serious but talked quietly and without any hostility. It seemed respectful to me as much as I understood anything like that. When they finished talking, they left as quietly as they had arrived. I asked what they had said, and he told me they wanted to know if he was all right and if we were married. He smiled then. When they gave him to me, they apparently had assumed I needed a man and decided he was the right one.”

“Adam was always a gentleman and never tried anything with me. I liked that he respected me in that fashion, but there were times I wished he would try something with me. I knew I would succumb to his charms if that ever happened. He would not even have to be charming. I would succumb because it was him. Nothing ever happened between us except for the hug he gave me when he left. I held onto him a bit longer than was probably proper by the usual standards, but I was going to miss him so much. He knew that and kept his arm around me until I stepped back. It was late fall when Adam was well enough to leave and I was facing the isolation of winter. He promised to return and said he was my friend. I had some great doubts about his promise to return but did not question his sincerity in the promise. He was a wealthy man with important things to do. I could not see that he would visit this little homestead when he had so many better things to do. I was determined to find a way to move forward with the strength he had given me and the support he had provided with his quiet counsel.”

“That winter, I began to paint using the empty hours to good purpose. I had told Adam my plans and he had told me he thought it a good plan. He said there was a good market for western art. I brought some of my early efforts to the trading post to see if the trader would try to sell them for me. Instead, he bought more than half of them outright thinking he could certainly sell them. He liked all the ones of the Indians that I had done. I took the others back and decided I could paint in some Indians perhaps riding in the distance if that was what it took to make a sale. He liked those too when I brought them in again but not as much, but still paid me what I thought was a good price for them. I got some money though for every painting I did so I knew I had a way to support myself and even put money away. I could live away from people and survive. I thought I had resolved my most important issues until June arrived.”

“Winter had passed faster than I could remember such a season in my life. I had been under my parents’ dominion for so many years and then under my husband’s control. Winters were the worst with the enforced close quarters and constant supervision. This winter alone was the first time I felt free. My spirit was light. I almost felt guilty for not being sad but remembering my husband’s sins spared me the shame of not mourning him. Adam’s visit had taught me that there were good men in the world yet, but it wasn’t likely that I would meet another one where I was. The three Cartwright brothers and Sheriff Coffee were probably all the good men I was destined to know.”

“Spring was a busy time and a time of even greater liberation. I gave up most of my land to my neighbors for a promise of some help with food if I needed it. I wasn’t sure that bargain would be kept because of what they thought of me, but I had no way to use that land and would have lost it anyway. I kept enough to ensure my privacy and to have an orchard someday with the small trees that I had already planted if they would grow. There was room for a garden or two if I could carry enough water from the spring to keep the plants alive in the dry spells.”

“June and summer came and changed my life again. Once more the Indian woman I had saved arrived at my door and this time she brought a baby with her. Sliding from her horse, she carried the baby to me shoving him to me forcefully until I took him in my arms. There was no reason to doubt he was Caleb’s son. He had the same color hair as she did but so did Caleb. It was that he had the same blue eyes that were telling. My eyes were hazel, but despite the darker skin Caleb had, his eyes were blue. Caleb had dimples and my guess was when this baby smiled, those might be there too. The baby was darker than me but much lighter than the Indian woman who had brought him to me. It was clear she expected me to keep the child. I could understand why she did not want the boy, but I did not know why she was so generous as to bring him to me. There were several men with her. The men said some things I did not understand. Finally, one slid from his horse and entered the cabin emerging a short time later with my rifle and the box of ammunition that had been on a shelf next to where I kept that weapon. The man made a gesture that I could only interpret that we were even as if a deal had been made. Nodding to agree, I raised my hand to stop them from leaving. I don’t know why I did it, but I didn’t want them to go like that.

“I pointed at the spring and told them too that I had fresh corn bread inside. I wished Adam had been able to teach me some of their language. He had tried and I had tried to learn. Most of the sessions ended with nearly uncontrollable laughter at my poor attempts to repeat what he said. He spoke in several languages and I could only speak with this one. I did my best to try to get them to understand me. They were better at languages than I was. With the baby on one arm as if it was the most natural thing in the world, I went inside and got the corn bread and brought out some preserves I had. They drank water and ate the cornbread with preserves which they seemed to like. When they mounted up to leave, I told them they were always welcome and smiled. I said, after all, it was their land I was using. They must have understood more English than I thought. All of them paused then looking at me as if I was some kind of strange being they had never seen before. They raised their hands as if in salute and rode away. I did not know if I would ever see them again, but I didn’t think I would need a rifle if they visited me once more.”

“I have always worn thick wrap dresses when visiting my neighbors or walking the miles to the trading post and back. It is to hide my figure from the men who leer at me no matter where I go in this land. But as long as they think me brittle and ugly as I’m sure my husband told them I am, I can hope that I have some safety from them. It is from these white neighbors I fear assault the most. It is strange to say that the Indians I once feared so much are not a threat to me, but those who should be my community are the threat I must protect myself from at all times. I purchased a shotgun from the trading post telling them the Indians have stolen my rifle. It is close enough to the truth. I have enough cow’s milk to feed the baby, and I bought some muslin cloth to clothe him for the time being.”

“My days are full with this little boy, my painting, the cow, and the gardens. I wanted to give the baby a name to honor both of his heritages wondering how he would ever live a life spanning both. I finally settled on Carson Sierra Cady. I knew that I would have to be honest with this boy and tell him the truth of his background, but I didn’t know if anyone else will ever know it. Carson will have to choose when he is old enough to decide.”

“In this world, I don’t know if I can raise up a man to live a life of honor amid those who have none. I did what I could now to make up for what part I had played in the sins of my people. When the Indians come to my house, they are able to take whatever they need. I try not to think about what they might be doing with the ammunition they take, but there is always extra food for them. I hope they are hunting with the extra ammunition. I hope they use it in self-defense giving them a better chance to survive. I know it is likely there are times that there are other uses. I have enough money from my painting to be able to help them. It is what I think I am morally required to do. The painting takes nothing from them and by it, I am able to give much back. When Adam visits, I do not tell him that I allow the Indians to take ammunition. I do not think he would approve. He brings food to the tribes but would not do anything to encourage violence. Yes, he kept that promise. He told me he always keeps his promises. He visits only infrequently, and I fear even that may end now that he talks about leaving to travel. Carson will miss him. Adam is the only good man that he knows.”

“It was a great shock to me when Adam rode in for his first visit. He smiled and told me that he had informed his family that I had saved his life and they wanted to meet me. I was nervous about that, but he told me that he had told his brothers they had already met me. Instead, he had brought a number of things with him on a packhorse to help make my life more comfortable. It did amuse me quite a bit to see the look he had when he heard Carson start wailing inside wanting more food. He raised that one eyebrow like he is prone to do and said it seemed there was more of my story that he did not know. I told him it was all good and got his smile in return.”

“It surprised me no end that a man who is not married and has no children could be so natural with women and with children. Carson took to Adam as easily as I had. It seemed so natural to be with him. When Adam walked into my cabin, he put his finger to his lips as he looked at Carson. Carson stopped wailing and Adam knelt down beside him and quietly talked with him as I prepared a plate of food for my boy. When I brought the food, Adam took the plate and talked to Carson and said that he should ask for things and not yell and cry. Carson said he was hungry so Adam asked if he wanted the food. Carson said yes so Adam told him to say please. He did, and Adam put the plate in his reach. Before he could grab any food, Adam took his little hands and said that the next thing to say was thank you. Carson didn’t quite understand that and Adam knew that so he released his hands. It was only the first lesson. After that, there was far less wailing from my son. Adam taught me to expect better behavior from my son as much as teaching my son to act better. But it was all done in such a gentle and kind way, that we loved him for it.”

“That first night that Adam visited and found me with Carson, he sang lullabies to my boy when it was time for him to sleep. Then we sat at the table to drink coffee and talk quietly. He told me his third mother had taught him those songs and sung them to his little brother Joe. Carson slipped from his bed and toddled over to Adam putting up his arms to be held. If that had been Caleb, he would have been furious. Adam smiled as he hoisted the little boy onto his lap and let him snuggle into his chest. He wrapped his arms around Carson holding him close and then resumed our conversation as if nothing important had happened. I had tears in my eyes. Adam saw them. He told me he couldn’t be everything the two of us needed, but he said that if either or both of us ever needed anything, we were to call on him. If it was possible for him to do, he said he would be there to do whatever he could. I knew what he meant, and it was like having a treasure chamber hidden on my property. I felt rich and blessed.”

“As Carson got older, he asked me if I hated his father for what he had done. He wondered too if his mother must hate him too. I told him I didn’t hate his father. His father was raised by his parents to be the way he was and they by theirs to be the way they were. None had the opportunity or desire to break the pattern that was of such a benefit to them. As to his mother, I could not speak for her. I told him that and he asked more of his mother’s culture and how they could do the things they did. I had to admit I did not understand much of what they did nor the reasons for it. As we spoke, I realized and told him that it didn’t matter if we didn’t understand. I’m sure they didn’t understand much of what we did too. They probably never understood why I needed to have four wooden walls and a solid door between me and the outdoors in order to sleep at night. They never needed such a thing. However, all we did need was to accept that the other had reasons for what they did and trust that it was for the best for them. I realized much of this because of those talks Adam and I had over the years. We thought much alike, and he had great respect for the Indians. He said all they ever wanted was to live their lives, but it was that very thing which some whites wanted to deny them. I lived on my land and it was also their land, and in all those years, we never had a problem. I used the water from the spring, and they came and used the water from the spring. It didn’t matter what the legal papers said about who owned the spring. We accepted each other. Too many put limits on others and barriers between us and want others to think and act as we do to be accepted. I knew then that I was tied to my little cabin because the way I was now would never be accepted in the society whose rules I have so blatantly rejected if they only knew.”

“As Carson grew to be a young man and I tell him that the Indians coming to our door like that was our secret, his question of why gets more and more demanding requiring more detailed answers. He doesn’t ask why Adam visits. He understands friendship. Adam brings us things we need. I told him not to do that but he said it was a fair trade. He told me that being with me and Carson is a break that his heart and soul needed at times and hoped I didn’t mind. I’m sure he knew that many of the things he brought were not things we needed and that the Indians would get them when they visited. There were times he handed over items with that small smile of his that told me he knew the truth of it. Carson asked me if Adam knew we were giving his gifts to the Indians, and I told him that was what Adam intended. He thought about that for a short time and then got that same small smile. Those two understand each other well. With that dimple and the dark hair, Carson looks like he could be Adam’s son, and if pressed, I think he would admit he wishes it was true. Sad to say, it is not.”

“I have explained our story until my son now knows the whole of it. Even when quite young, he could tell looking at me that I was likely not the mother who birthed him. He held his arm to mine when he was a small boy and saw the difference in color and asked why. Yes, he became my son because I learned that a child grows in the heart. I love him with all that I can give. It was then that he asked if Adam was his father, and I had to tell him that he was not. He was sad about that, but the sorrow was even greater when he learned the truth about Caleb. I am the only parent he has and that is why now that he is fifteen, I have to go back to Missouri and introduce him to Caleb’s family. As is his usual pattern, he wanted to know why and I had to tell him. For several years now, I have had periods of feeling dizzy and weak. There have been moments when I thought I might faint. On my last visit to the town that has developed here, I saw a doctor who has taken up residence. He told me what I had suspected. My heart is failing. I will sell what paintings I can and take the rest with us to sell in Missouri if I can. Carson will have money to do what he wishes with his life. I would have called on Adam for help, but he has gone off into the world to follow his dreams. I may have played a role in that too. He told me on his last visit that seeing me live on my own was the last piece of the puzzle he had been wrestling with solving. He admitted he had put up with too much for too long, but it was time for him to move on. I was sad to realize he was moving away, but glad that he would be happier.”

“When we arrived in Missouri, there was suspicion and anger. Caleb was dead, and that baby had arrived many months after his death. There had been stories of the dark-haired man in my care before the baby was born. I was asked to swear on a Bible that Carson was Caleb’s son. I did. I put my hand on a Bible and swore. I could do so with a clear conscience for I did believe that Caleb had fathered this boy. He had Caleb’s coloring if even a bit darker, straight black hair, blue eyes, and dimples. They accepted him after I swore on the Bible. The circumstances of his birth were not going to be shared with members of the family. Carson knew but was unlikely to ever tell these judgmental people. But I hoped that his offspring and theirs would have more honor and common sense. I prayed it would be true. I knew I didn’t have long to make my preparations. I met with a lawyer to create a trust for my son that could not be touched by the rest of the family. In a move to be sure that would ensure his future, I gave him a Bible with a hollow cover that had bonds hidden inside. Adam had been quite generous with us over the years making sure that we would never be in dire straits. I included Adam’s family ranch address if he ever wants to find our friend. I plan to wrap up my journal for him too well before I know my time is at an end. If anyone of this family ever sees this, I have no doubt it will be burned. I want my son to remember his history and his heritage. I hope his family in the future will know it too. I hope honor can grow from dishonor. I did what I could to clean sin from my soul. I know Carson will live his life in a way that will be honorable. I hope he teaches his children to do the same.”

“As I lay weak in my bed with only this last page left in my journal, Carson told me he has made plans for his future and wanted me to know. He thought I would be pleased and I told him I could not be any happier. He has contacted Adam’s family. They have given him Adam’s information and Carson has been in contact with him. He will be traveling to Australia to be with the one man in this world he admires. He told me that after meeting his father’s family that he cannot marry and raise children where they could influence them. He wants someone better to be his guide. There are tears from me as he finishes telling me his plans. He thinks I am sad, but I tell him it is because of the greatest joy and pride a mother could feel. Carson will take this journal with him as well as the other items I mentioned. He has gotten the best from me somehow. I pray for his safe travel and a reunion with Adam, the only man I trust to guide my son into the future. I only wish I could be there to see that small smile once more because I know it will be there when he greets Carson on his arrival.”