Summary: Adam struggles with what it really means to be the ‘big brother’.
Rating:  G
Words:  4,970

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The Brandsters have included this story by this author in our project: Preserving Their Legacy. To preserve the legacy of the author, we have decided to give their work a home in the Bonanza Brand Fanfiction Library.  The author will always be the owner of this work of fanfiction, and should they wish us to remove their story, we will.

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Big Brother

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Adam sat staring sullenly into the fireplace while Joe paced impatiently back and forth in front of the large desk. Neither spoke while they waited for word. When they heard Ben’s footsteps on the stairs, they both rushed to the bottom to meet him.

“How is he?” Joe asked anxiously, his pulse quickening as he noticed Ben’s haggard expression.

“It’s not good, son,” Ben answered quietly, placing a hand on Joe’s shoulder.

Adam’s frown deepened. “What do you mean, it’s not good?” he demanded quietly. “What kind of answer is that? Of course it’s not good; he’s been shot. Is he going to be all right?”

Ben looked at his eldest son for a moment, knowing full well that it was his worry and grief speaking. “I can’t answer that, Adam,” he admitted in a low voice. “Doc Martin is doing all he can. It’s out of our hands now.”

“Damn!” Adam breathed fiercely, hitting the railing hard with one hand and causing both Joe and Ben to start slightly in surprise. Turning on his heel, he stormed toward the front door, slamming it loudly behind him as his father and younger brother watched.

“I’ll go talk to him, Pa,” Joe offered in response to the look of despair on Ben’s face.

Ben could only nod his agreement, his throat too constricted with emotion to speak.

Joe found Adam in the barn, brushing down Sport even though the horse’s coat already shone.

“He’ll be all right,” Joe stated, making an attempt at reassurance.

“Oh really?” Adam sneered sarcastically. “And just how do you know that, Joe?” he demanded. “When did you run off and go to medical school, huh?”

“Look,” Joe grated angrily. “I just think we need to be positive…”

“Positive?” Adam spat. “I am being positive. I’m positive that if it weren’t for me, Hoss wouldn’t be laying up there fighting for his life right now.”

“You can’t blame yourself,” Joe tried to placate him.

“And why’s that?” Adam countered ruefully. “Is it because you already blame me enough for both of us?”

“I don’t…”

“Save it, Joe,” Adam ordered flatly. “I know what you’re thinking. If you’d been there, you could have stopped it. Why don’t you just admit it? You blame me for what happened to Hoss.”

“You’re the only one doing that, Adam,” Joe reiterated, trying to keep his voice calm.

“Don’t use that tone with me,” Adam warned, eyes narrowed. “I’m only saying what I know you’re thinking. And only because you don’t have the guts to say it yourself.”

“All right!” Joe shouted, no longer able to contain his temper. “You have all the answers? You know what I’m thinking? Then tell me, Adam. Where were you when my brother was shot? Why weren’t you there?”

Adam seemed surprised by the words, but only for a moment. Smiling wryly, he shook his head. “I knew it,” he murmured.

“Answer the question,” Joe demanded, unable to stop the eruption of anger and frustration once he’d allowed it to rear its unflattering head. “Where were you when my brother was being shot in the back?”

“He’s my brother too!” Adam bellowed. “Do you think I wanted this? Do you think I want to see Hoss laying up there like that?” He paused, his chest heaving. “He could die and it’s all my fault!” His voice rose menacingly. “Is that what you wanted to hear, Joe?! Is it?!?!”

“Stop it! Both of you!” Their father’s voice cut through the night air, causing both of the younger men to turn in the direction of the barn door. Now, in the midst of the pain and misery he’d already been feeling was an anger and disappointment that caused them each to look down at the ground contritely.

“I’m sorry, Pa,” Joe mumbled.

“Yes, Pa,” Adam grumbled sarcastically. “He’s sorry he wasn’t the one with Hoss today. If he had been, you wouldn’t be wondering if your son was going to live or die.”

Joe’s head snapped up as he was about to issue a biting reply.

“That’s enough!” Ben boomed once again. “Now whatever is going on between the two of you, I want it sorted out, and I want it sorted out now. I’ve got one son up there who really needs me,” he heaved, pointing toward the upstairs bedroom window where Doc Martin ministered to Hoss. “I can’t be out here refereeing the two of you! Now neither of you is to go into that house until this is resolved, one way or another! Do I make myself clear?”

Joe nodded glumly, while Adam responded grudgingly in the affirmative.

Once Ben returned to the house, Joe looked toward where his brother stood with his back to him.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled solemnly. “I wasn’t blaming you, Adam.”

“It doesn’t really matter if you were or not,” Adam retorted, not bothering to turn around as he busied himself with brushing Sport again.

“I just need to know what happened,” Joe explained, his tone weary.

Adam stopped what he was doing and hung his head in silence for a few moments before turning to face his younger brother. “It’s just what you think, Joe,” he replied in a quiet voice. “Hoss needed me and I let him down.”

Joe felt an unfamiliar tug at his heart as he looked into his brother’s eyes. Instead of the usual certainty and strength, he now noticed what could only be described as deep despair mingled with a modicum of resignation. He’d always thought of Adam as the strong one, the one who had a solution for everything. He couldn’t even count the number of times he’d relied on his older brother’s wisdom, albeit reluctant to admit it at times. What he saw now – the vulnerability and uncertainty – worried him. Suddenly it seemed as though the tables had turned; Adam was the one needing the strong shoulder instead of providing it as he had most of his life. For a brief instant, something akin to panic flitted through Joe’s mind. Would he have the right words? More importantly, did Adam respect him and trust in his judgement enough to listen? As he looked at the slump of his brother’s usually strong, confident posture, all doubts were chased immediately from his mind. It really didn’t matter how things had always been, that he’d never been one that Adam went to for counsel. All that mattered now, at this moment, was that his brother needed him.

Crossing the barn floor to stand directly in front of the anguished man, Joe offered an almost imperceptible smile. “You’ve never let anyone down in your life, Adam,” he replied quietly. “You’re one of the most dependable men I’ve ever known.”

Adam smiled wryly, no warmth in his expression. “That’s easy for you to say,” he mumbled. “You’re not the one laying up there with a bullet in your back.”

Joe nodded once, digesting the comment and realizing how deep his brother’s sorrow must be at believing he was to blame. “Tell me what happened, Adam,” he responded. This time, it wasn’t a demand, but a softly spoken request.

Adam took a deep breath. “Once we’d finished loading the supplies in the wagon,” he began, his voice weary and devoid of emotion, “Hoss suggested we go for a beer before heading home.”

Joe nodded again, this time to indicate that he accepted those facts as nothing out of the ordinary. Patiently, he waited for Adam to continue.

“We were heading over there and then I saw…”

“Saw what?” Joe frowned. “Adam, what did you see?”

“Not what,” Adam finally answered with a sigh. “Who. I saw Amy Collins walking from the dress store toward her house.”

Joe smiled slightly in understanding. It was no secret that Adam was sweet on the attractive brunette. They’d been seeing each other casually for weeks, though everyone believed that it could develop into something more serious at any time.

“I just went to talk to her for a minute,” Adam continued, a tinge of awe in his tone. “I hadn’t planned on seeing her in town and it was a nice surprise, that’s all. So, on the spur of the moment, I decided to go and talk to her.” He paused briefly. “Only for a minute.”

Joe frowned slightly at the almost apologetic way in which the words were delivered. “There’s nothing wrong with that,” he pointed out.

Adam raised his eyes to meet those of his brother. “And what if it ends up costing Hoss his life?” he demanded, his voice edged with anger. “I was there to do a job, Joe. To help Hoss with the supplies and get back to the ranch. Period. I had no business calling on Amy. If I’d gone with him to the saloon…” His voice cracked and he turned hastily away, his shoulders rising and falling as he struggled to rein in the anger he was feeling at his actions.

“Adam,” Joe began, gingerly touching his brother’s shoulder. “You didn’t know…”

“That’s just it, Joe,” he cut him off, his voice hard as he whirled to face him once again. “I should have known. We all know what the saloon is like at the end of the month. Miners and ranch hands blowing off steam and spending their pay on whiskey, women and poker games. It’s a bad situation at best.”

“Bad, yes,” Joe concurred, “But Hoss knows that as well as you do. How is any of this your fault?”

“Because I should have been there,” Adam hissed, his fist clenching as he tried to get his point across. “Don’t you see that? If I’d gone in there with him, I would have been able to warn him. I might have been able to diffuse the situation before it even got to the point of guns.”

“You don’t know that,” Joe replied grimly.

“And I guess I never will, now, will I?” Adam concluded wryly.

Joe thought about his words for a moment. “No,” he finally acquiesced. “I guess you never will.”

“At least that we can agree on, hmm?” Adam smirked.

“But there is something we both know,” Joe continued, oblivious to his brother’s sarcastic manner. “And that’s that Hoss wouldn’t want you blaming yourself for this. He’s a big boy, Adam. He doesn’t need you, or expect you, for that matter, to hold his hand every time he goes into the saloon for a beer.”

“You still don’t get it, do you?” Adam grated. “That’s exactly what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. All my life, I’ve felt responsible for everything. I tried to keep you and Hoss from getting into trouble, then I helped you when you managed to find it anyway. I sat beside your beds when you were delirious with fever, or mangled from some animal attack or teetering on the brink of death with a gunshot wound…” His voice gave out on the last word and he closed his eyes tightly, leaning hard against the wall before sliding to a sitting position on the floor. “I just don’t know if I can do it anymore,” he concluded, forcing the words out from between clenched teeth as a tear escaped from beneath his lashes.

Joe felt his heart breaking at the uncustomary admission of self-doubt. Wordlessly, with tears welling in his eyes, he crouched before his brother and clamped a hand firmly on his shoulder.

The gesture took Adam by surprise and he suddenly found himself unable to stem the flow of emotion raging within him. Hanging his head, he let his breath out in a ragged sigh that culminated in something dangerously close to a sob. “It’s just so hard, Joe,” he whispered hoarsely.

Swallowing hard, Joe grasped the back of Adam’s neck with his other hand and pulled his head to his shoulder in a protective, comforting gesture. “I know, Adam,” he acknowledged, his voice barely audible as he blinked back his own tears. “I know.”

It was a strange sensation for Adam, feeling Joe’s hand at the back of his neck while the other rubbed his back in slow, soothing circles. Aside from an encouraging slap on the back, or a comforting hand on a shoulder, he’d always managed to avoid physical demonstrations of emotion. He’d always been afraid it might make him appear weak or vulnerable. He couldn’t afford that, not in the role fate had cast him in, that of eldest son and brother.

Now, leaning his forehead on Joe’s shoulder, he didn’t feel weak at all. On the contrary, he felt his strength returning, as though flowing into his body from the most unexpected source – his baby brother – no longer the child he’d known to be immature and irresponsible, but a man, one who possessed compassion, strength and understanding. The realization hit him hard and he found himself clutching at Joe’s shirt as he wrestled with the demons within.

Joe didn’t speak as he held his brother. He knew Adam well enough to know that words weren’t what he needed at the moment. Instead, he allowed the silent embrace to communicate what mere language couldn’t.

When he pulled away a moment later, Adam leaned back against the wall, his eyes still closed as he took a deep breath.

Joe turned slightly to settle beside him, their shoulders touching as they sat leaning against the wall.

“I just can’t go in there right now,” Adam finally spoke in a low, controlled voice. “I can’t sit there and watch him fight for his life.”

“Pa will let us know as soon as the doc tells him anything,” Joe assured him, letting him know that they didn’t need to go back into the house, not right away.

As they sat in silence, Joe thought back to the events of that morning. He’d been ready to go into town with Hoss when Adam had informed him that he’d be going in his place. A short argument had ensued, with Adam citing Joe’s penchant for getting distracted and pointing out that he needed those supplies as soon as possible. Joe had accused him of treating him like a child and demanded to know what it would take for him to realize he’d grown up. In the end, Adam had won out, as he usually did.

Thinking about it now, Joe was more able to see things from Adam’s eyes. “It’s funny isn’t it?” he mused.. “The way it is with parents and brothers?”

“What do you mean?” Adam asked, his voice indicating little interest.

Joe answered in a casual, quiet voice. “A parent watches his children grow up, knowing that the time will come when he has to let them go. He never stops worrying or caring, but he knows it’s part of his job to allow his children to learn from their mistakes.”

“I suppose,” Adam sighed, not in the mood for idle chit chat.

“With brothers it’s different,” Joe continued, unfazed. “While a parent is expected to let go, a brother is always expected to be a brother.” He paused for a moment. “When a man takes on the responsibility of being both, I guess it could make it hard to know where one leaves off and the other begins. It’s just not so easy to know when to let go, is it?”

Adam was silent for a moment. “It makes it easier when someone puts it all into perspective,” he finally stated in a quiet voice. After a moment of reflective silence, he continued. “I should have let you go into town,” he admitted. “Or maybe I shouldn’t have brought him all the way out here. Maybe if I’d stayed in town…”

“You did what you had to do,” Joe replied. “It would have taken Doc Martin hours to get back to town. By meeting him half way, you might very well have saved Hoss’ life.”

Adam was about to reply when their father entered the barn once again. His face was set in a grim mask of strength, though his eyes shone with unshed tears. “Paul says,” he began, his voice catching in his throat. Swallowing hard, he struggled to get the words out. “If there’s anything you’d like to say to Hoss before…” He left the unfinished sentence hanging in the cool evening air.

Adam opened his eyes to frown in a mixture of disbelief and confusion. “What are you saying?” he asked quietly as he got to his feet.

Joe, too, was now standing. “Pa?” he whispered, searching his father’s expression for some sign that he’d misunderstood the meaning of his words.

Ben could only shake his head slightly as he turned away, unable to voice any further thoughts as emotion grasped his throat in a vice-like grip.

Adam and Joe looked at one another for a brief moment before following their father into the house.

When they reached Hoss’ room, Doc Martin was wiping his hands on a towel, looking down at the large, still form in the bed. Hearing footsteps in the doorway, he turned, his expression grim as he made his way toward where the three Cartwright men stood.

“I’m sorry,” he said simply, shaking his head once again. “There’s just no more that I can do.”

“But you’ve done something,” Joe insisted hopefully. “I mean, maybe it was enough.”

Paul and Ben exchanged a silent glance before the doctor lowered his eyes to the floor. “I’m afraid not, Little Joe,” he admitted. “Maybe if it had been an inch or two to the right…” He allowed his voice to trail off as he realized that his speculations were no comfort. “Again, I’m sorry.”

“You did all you could,” Ben assured him, placing a hand on his forearm. “Thank you.”

The doctor simply nodded and left the room.

Joe looked across the room at his brother’s bed before turning to look at Ben and Adam as though searching for some sort of explanation.

“Go ahead,” Ben said gently. “I took a few moments to say what I felt I needed to. I think the two of you need to do the same.”

Joe looked at Adam, who was now leaning with his back against the wall just outside the door, eyes closed. Wordlessly, he looked back to where Hoss lay and made his way to the side of the bed while Ben discreetly closed the door to give them some privacy.

Slowly, Joe lowered himself into the chair, his gaze fixed on his brother’s face. “I don’t even know what to say,” he whispered hoarsely, trying to force an encouraging smile. “I mean, I know you’re going to wake up, Hoss. You have to.” He paused for a moment, struggling to put all he felt into words. As a tear trickled down his cheek, he brushed it hastily away as though afraid his brother would see it. “I won’t say good bye,” he choked. “If I don’t say it, you can’t go, you hear? That’s the way it works, big brother. You can’t go until I say it and I’m just can’t… I won’t.” His bottom lip quivered as he wondered if his words were getting through. Taking a deep breath, he tried to instill a confidence in his tone. “So you might as well just open your eyes right now, you hear? I mean it, Hoss.” He waited for a moment, praying that his words would have some effect, that his brother would suddenly open his eyes and tell him everything was going to be as it was. At the silence that greeted him, he felt a cold dread gripping his heart. No longer able to stem the flow of emotion raging within, he hung his head and allowed his tears to fall as he squeezed his brother’s hand. “Don’t leave me, Hoss,” he beseeched between sobs. “Please, don’t leave me.”

He didn’t hear the door open, but was too weary to be surprised when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Raising his tear-streaked face to look into that of his father, his eyes offered a silent plea.

“It’s OK, son,” Ben soothed, trying to hide his own grief for Joe’s sake.

Joe stood slowly, his eyes once again focused on his brother’s peaceful features. He knew it wasn’t OK. Things would never be OK again. Knowing there was nothing he could say to change that, he silently turned and left the room.

He glanced at Adam only briefly as he stepped into the hallway. His oldest brother was still standing where he had been, his body rigid, his eyes closed. Lowering his gaze to the floor, Joe touched Adam’s arm in a gesture of support as he passed.

Knowing that he could put it off no longer, Adam took a deep breath and steeled himself for what was to come. As soon as Ben exited the room, Adam entered, pausing briefly before walking across the floor to the same chair his youngest brother had recently abandoned.

He sat for a moment in silence, head in his hands, before raising his eyes to Hoss’ face. “I never allowed myself to believe that this moment would ever come,” he finally stated quietly, his words hanging in the eerily silent room. “We came through so much.” He paused for a moment, thinking of the years they’d spent together. “Over time, I began to think that I’d succeeded in my promise. You grew from a boy into a man, and I gave myself a big pat on the back.” He took a moment to swallow the bitterness creeping into his voice. “I always figured at some point my job would be done, but it’s never really over, is it Hoss? Little Joe’s right, a brother is always a brother.” He took a deep breath, running his fingers through his dark hair. “I was such a fool,” he lamented. “I should have been there, Hoss. I should have been with you. If only I’d…” His voice cracked as the enormity of his emotions took their toll. “I’m so sorry,” he rasped, finally saying the words he so desperately needed to say. “Oh God, I’m just so sorry.” He lowered his head to his hands once again as he repeated the words over and over… “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”

“You’ve nothing to apologize for, Adam,” Ben stated gently.

Adam hastily ran his hands over his face as he cleared his throat. “You’re wrong, Pa,” he replied. “I made Hoss a promise once, that I’d always watch out for him.” He hesitated only briefly before continuing. “I broke that promise today, and for what? A vow I’ve taken seriously since I was a small child thrown away for a few minutes with a pretty girl.”

“You haven’t thrown anything away, son,” Ben explained, frowning slightly at the self-loathing in his eldest son’s voice. “You’ve always been there for your brothers, Hoss knows that.”

“You don’t understand,” Adam grated in frustration. “I should have been there. I could have stopped it.”

“And if Joe were there, he might have stopped it, and if I’d been there, I might have been able to do something,” Ben pointed out logically. “Doesn’t that make us equally to blame? No man can take responsibility for everything. If we could, we’d have no use for belief in a power greater than ourselves.”

“I don’t want to be responsible for everything,” Adam pointed out wearily, “Just…”

“Just Hoss and Joe,” Ben concluded knowingly, “Even me.” He took a seat on the side of the bed and pondered his next words carefully. “Adam, I know how hard it’s been on you. Even as a boy, you took responsibility very seriously.” He paused momentarily as he thought of those days. “I leaned on you, relied on you probably more than I should have, but you never disappointed me.” He breathed a sad sigh. “Only now do I realize how much I must have disappointed you, how much I truly let you down.”

Adam looked up to frown at his father. “Pa, you…”

Ben held up a hand to stem the protest. “There’s no point in denying it now, Adam,” he stated in a soft voice. “You said it yourself.”

“Pa, I didn’t…”

“Maybe not in so many words,” Ben smiled sadly. He held his son’s gaze intently for a moment before continuing. “But as much as you love your brothers, that’s how much I loved each of my wives. Because I wasn’t able to save them, does that not indicate my failure as a husband? As a father?”

“That’s ridiculous, Pa,” Adam murmured, shaking his head slightly.

“Is it?” Ben persisted, frowning. “Is the responsibility a man feels for his wife and sons any less than that a man feels for his brothers?” He allowed a moment for the words to register, then continued in a gentle tone. “By blaming yourself tonight, are you not also blaming me?”

“No,” Adam whispered hoarsely, the memories of the losses they’d already shared mingling with the present grief. “I swear, Pa, I never once blamed you for anything.”

Ben put a hand on his shoulder. “I believe you, son,” he admitted in a quiet voice. “Now don’t you think it’s time you afforded yourself that same benefit?”

Whether it was the actual words or the compassionate manner in which they were delivered, something triggered the hold he’d managed to maintain on his tears and he sobbed quietly, allowing his father to pull his head to his shoulder in a comforting gesture.

“It’s not your fault,” Ben whispered, blinking back his own tears as he held his son. “God knows, I wish we did have the power to stop these things, but we don’t. It’s just not up to us; it never has been. The most we can do is love them while they’re here with us, and you’ve done that. You gave Hoss all the love a brother possibly could.”

“But it’s too soon,” Adam lamented, his voice wracked with pain.

Ben held him tighter. “It’s always too soon,” he concurred.

“Could the two of you take that outside?” came a weak voice.

Adam and Ben froze for a moment before turning to where Hoss lay. His peaceful expression had changed to a slight scowl and they both held their breath as though afraid to believe in what they were seeing.

“How’s a fella s’posed to git any sleep?” Hoss murmured. “First Joe in here with his catterwallin’ and now you two.”

“Hoss?” Ben called softly, touching his middle son’s face. “You’re going to be all right.”

“I’ll get Doc Martin,” Adam stated, already hurrying toward the door.

Hoss grimaced slightly as he tried to open his eyes. “I don’t rightly know fer sure, Pa,” he replied with some effort. “It hurts somethin’ fierce.”

“Don’t try to move,” Ben advised. “Doc Martin took a bullet out of your back.” He allowed a moment for his relief to register before smiling at his son. “He didn’t think you were going to make it.”

“What does he know?” Hoss guffawed. “I always said he’d make a better horse doctor.”

Ben laughed in spite of himself. He knew Hoss had never had anything but respect for Paul Martin and his abilities, and the fact that he was able to joke about it was definitely a good sign in his eyes.

There was a flurry of activity at the doorway as the doctor hurried into the room, followed close behind by Adam and Joe. Ben stepped back and allowed his longtime friend to examine his son.

“Well?” he asked, when he could wait no longer.

Doc Martin straightened and turned to Ben, heaving a sigh of relief and gratitude. “I can’t explain it, Ben,” he admitted. “All my experience told me that he was as good as gone.” He looked down at Hoss and smiled. “He’s got some constitution, that boy of yours.”

“I knew it!” Joe exclaimed, his face beaming.

“Well if you weren’t gonna say goodbye, I just figured I ain’t leavin’,” Hoss frowned slightly as he finally managed to open his eyes. “I can be just as stubborn as you, little brother.”

“But you still need plenty of rest,” the doctor admonished sternly. Turning to the other men in the room, he added, “I’ll sit with him for a while, and the three of you can get some rest.” As the trio began to protest, each offering to take the first shift at Hoss’ bedside, Doc raised a hand. “Doctor’s orders,” he stated firmly. “Now get out of here, all of you.”

As they reluctantly turned to leave, Hoss spoke up from his bed. “Adam,” he managed in a weak voice.

Ben nodded at Adam and ushered Joe and the doctor out of the room.

Adam took a seat by the bed and touched his brother’s arm. “What is it, Hoss? Do you need something?”

Hoss took a moment to muster as much strength as he could before trying to speak again. “It weren’t your fault, Adam,” he finally stated. “You’ve got nothin’ to be sorry about, ever, you hear me?”

Adam hung his head for a moment before raising his eyes to Hoss’ and offering a slight smile. Maybe now he could finally believe the words to be true. He’d continue in the role of big brother until his dying day, but with the help of his family, he was now beginning to accept that there were limits to his responsibilities. It was like a tremendous weight had been lifted from his shoulders and replaced with an even stronger love and respect for his father and brothers. “Yeah, I hear ya,” he replied quietly. “Thank you.”

The End.