Summary: Sitting in near darkness around a campfire can help men reveal thoughts and feelings to each other that they otherwise would conceal.  The Cartwrights are like that.
Rating: PG  Word count: 1,817

Confessions By the Campfire

Scene 1 – Hoss

It wasn’t easy for Hoss to admit anything to his father. He was always looking at the accomplishments of his older brother and his younger brother and feeling he came up short. However, it was also nearly impossible for him to carry around guilt, and there was one thing that had been gnawing at him for a decade. The first night after they left Sacramento and as they sat at a campfire, they had a couple of rounds with a bottle of moonshine Joe had managed to buy from a mountain man high up in the hills where they were hunting. With his tongue loosened by the alcohol, Hoss decided he finally had to tell his story.

“Uh, Pa, you know that map that you’re so all fired proud of.”

“The one hanging by my desk at home?”

That was enough to get Adam’s attention.

“Hoss, there’s no need to talk about that after all these years.”

“Don’t you worry none, Adam. This is all about me. It don’t really concern you.”

Without implicating himself and telling the story he didn’t want told, Adam couldn’t do anything more. He held out his cup to Little Joe for another helping of moonshine surprising his youngest brother. Adam seldom drank as much as the other two. Little Joe got as curious then as Ben was.

“Now, the map behind my desk, Hoss. That’s the one you mean?”

“Yeah, that’s the one. Well, I got a story ’bout that. When you ordered it, you went away on that trip, and when that map came, me and Little Joe got real curious. Now, he was only a little shaver, so this is all on me. Ya see, even though Adam said not to touch it when he put it on your desk, we did, or rather, I did. I opened it up and rolled it out. It was so pretty, Pa, except me and Little Joe had only just finished lunch. Our hands were all kinda greasy like, and we made a mess on that map. It weren’t on purpose. No, we were just touching things as we looked at it. Then we saw what we done and wanted to fix it up for ya so we got some lye soap and tried to clean it up. Darned if that didn’t make that map almost nearly disappear.”

Hoss saw his father frowning in obvious puzzlement and saw Adam squirming a bit too wondering how the rest of the tale would be received. There was no helping it though. He had to finish the story now that he had divulged so much.

“So now I suppose you’re wondering where you got that map you got. Well, you see Adam didn’t want us to get the whupping we was gonna get so he made a map for us. He hardly slept for most of a week getting it done, and we thought it was real pretty. It was, and it is except ole Adam didn’t know much about map making and such back then. So that’s why things is the way they is. I know people have remarked on that sometimes. I hope you don’t mind none?”

Hoss felt better getting the truth out after carrying it around for so long. Little Joe looked fine for he’d been a child when it happened and could hardly be held accountable. Their father smiled and thanked Hoss for telling the truth even after so many years. But after the look he gave Adam, Hoss could understand why his older brother looked a bit green, and it wasn’t the moonshine.

Things were a bit tense between their father and Adam for the rest of the trip with Ben giving Adam a lot more things to do than he gave his younger sons. They had decided to spend some time hunting on the way home so they could spend more time together. It seemed Adam didn’t think that was a good idea anymore. That got worse when they reached the border of their ranch only to be met by some of their men who told them they were tracking some rustlers. Of course, they had to help.

Scene 2 – Joe

After a long day in the saddle, Adam wanted to sleep. When Joe tapped him on the shoulder, he thought it would be to ask a question about whether they were doing the right thing chasing these rustlers as far and as hard as they were. He guessed Joe might think it wasn’t worth the effort as they had only taken a few cows. He saw that their father and Hoss were still awake and paying attention so it might become a full-fledged family discussion about whether they ought to continue their quest. But it wasn’t a discussion about legal principles that Joe wanted. In fact, the whole topic was a big surprise.

“Adam, when Melinda Banning kissed you, I wasn’t really upset. I was actually happy about it.”

Seeing Adam’s incredulous look and his father’s raised eyebrows, Joe knew he had to explain.

“I didn’t want to marry her. It kinda slipped out in the moment, you know, and I got really good kisses from her. You know how I like to romance the ladies, but then, I didn’t know how to take it back later. I mean, you can’t do that, can you? Well, once she kissed you, I had a perfect out. I know I got all upset and everything, but that was going to be my way to make it all blow up. Now her father showing up made it all happen a lot faster, but thanks for being there for me when I needed you.”

“Ah, sure, Joe, anytime, I guess. It would have been nice if you had told me then.”
“We’re good though?”

“We’re good.”
“That’s great. When we get back to town, I could use your help again because there’s this gal I’ve been seeing, and she keeps hinting at marriage, and well, I was wondering . . .”
“No, no, no!”
“Aw, c’mon, Adam, it worked with Melinda!”

Laughing uproariously, Ben and Hoss nearly fell off their horses.

Scene 3 – Ben

Little Joe’s story had been running through Ben’s mind all afternoon. As he sat at the campfire that night, there was something he felt he had to add.

“Boys, to be completely honest, with Melinda Banning, I was almost glad that Little Joe and Adam almost got into a fight about her when it happened.”

“Lordy, Pa, you should never tell them it’s all right to fight. Worrying that you’re going to be upset is the one thing that helps keep them in line.”

There were protests from both Adam and Little Joe, but Ben chuckled before answering Hoss.

“I’m sure there is more to it than that. However, there have been more than a few women who have done their best to try to manipulate one or more of us. The thought of having one of them in our house was a worry.”

“Pa, Melinda wasn’t that way.”

“No, Little Joe, I’m talking about Deborah, and if her daughter married one of my sons, that’s where she would have been. Melinda wasn’t innocent either. I couldn’t miss how she looked at Adam when she spent her time trying to ensnare Little Joe.”

“You knew? Then why did you question me so much in the barn?”

“Adam, I had to make sure you had no feelings for her. She is an attractive woman. It would have been more complicated if you liked her.”

“I wouldn’t have minded a night with her as long as she wasn’t talking, but that’s it.”

“So, we’re all glad she kissed Adam and I nearly whupped him for it.”

“Oh, that would have been a sight to behold. How were you going to do that, little brother? Hit him over the head from behind?”

“That’s enough. I don’t need all three of you picking fights.”

That was that, and the issue of Melinda Banning was settled forever.

Scene 4 – Adam

It was a long ride home once they caught those rustlers. Adam developed a fever and had to rest for several days before he could ride again. Ben and Little Joe took the rustlers to town to be locked in jail as Hoss took care of Adam. Hoss did his best to be a nurse, a protector, and a general all-around helper. He made Adam travel slowly on the trip back and it took nearly twice as long. It meant it wouldn’t wear himself out, and it gave the brothers some good time together. It was as a listener that Hoss did his best work. Sitting at the campfire on the last night before they arrived back on the Ponderosa, Adam opened up to his brother when they started talking about women and lamenting their lack of permanent relationships.

“Hoss, I have to admit it. I never loved any of them enough. I’m as guilty of infatuation as I have frequently accused our little brother. I was glad that Will walked away with Laura.”

“I have to say I was right glad of that too. I just never could see that ninny as part of the family.”

“I know what you mean. But it wasn’t the only time I was glad something or someone got in the way of me and a woman. It was almost a relief to have religion get in the way of a relationship with Rebecca even though I liked her a lot. A marriage would never have worked for us either. And I know that being grateful to Ruth for saving my life and wanting to help her wasn’t enough for us to build a life together. As for Sue Ellen, I wanted to show her that not every man was no-good and that she could love and not have to beg for it. If Anne hadn’t whispered Tom’s name in my ear, I would have found another reason why I couldn’t bring a saloon girl home with me. We had almost nothing in common. There has to be something to talk about when you’re not in bed. What it amounts to is that I never truly loved any of them enough except for one. I still see her in my dreams.”

“I think I know, but which one?”

“Regina.”

“What you going to do about that?”

“I think I did what I had to do then so there’s nothing I can do now. The one I should have fought to win is the one I surrendered without a fight.”

“Because you thought you’d lose anyway?” Hoss paused. “Or were you more afraid you might win?”

Hoss never got an answer to his question, but he knew. They all knew each other better at the end of that trip.