Summary:  Remember the season 5 episode, “Calamity Over the Comstock”? Turns out, there was more going on than most of us knew about. Pull up a chair and let Miss Calamity Jane Canary tell you all about it. . . .

Rated: MA  WC  6200

 

                                      Calamity in the Bathhouse

 

Well, I can’t say that the first thing I noticed about Little Joe was how good he looked in his pants, ’cause he came ridin’ up like he was shot out of a rifle and there was Paiutes shootin’ at us, so I didn’t get a chance for a good look.  And then, when Walt died, I didn’t even feel like looking ’cause I was so mad at Little Joe for bringing that trouble on us.

But then, he was so nice about it all, and he seemed to feel so bad about what he done, that I didn’t really feel like I could hold it against him.  So, I told him that I’d probably have done the same thing in his place, and I kinda looked down, and that was the first time I even looked at his . . . place.

Now, pretty much any other girl in that situation wouldn’t have thought twice about what to do.  She wouldn’t have been lookin’ down, that’s for sure.  Tired and grieving and not knowing what to do next, she’d have looked up at his face and seen those kind eyes, and maybe she’d have throwed herself into his arms and cried while he held her.

But I ain’t like other girls.  I’m the kind that, when I feel like that, I wanna punch somebody or shoot something.  I reckon that’s just the way I grew up, fighting and scrapping for every little thing.  And if Little Joe had tried to make excuses right then, I reckon I’d have walloped him good.  But when he didn’t, and instead he said how sorry he was, all that wantin’ to fight kinda shifted into something else.  Next thing I knew, I was lookin’ down, and my eyes landed below his gunbelt.

Boy howdy.  He was packing quite a piece down below his piece, if you know what I mean.

’Course, right away, I had to act all contrary so’s he wouldn’t know I saw it.  See, I could tell he wanted to treat me like a girl, but not the way I wanted to get treated like a girl.  He wanted to treat me like something he had to protect.  And men don’t have fun with girls they want to protect.

So, naturally, I started trying to let him know he didn’t have to protect me.  I talked about how I had stuff to deliver to Virginia City just like that was the thing mattered and not the fact that we’d just buried my best friend.  But Joe didn’t believe me, and he made me promise that I’d come out to the ranch where he lived with his pa and his brothers.  I didn’t let myself smile at the fact that he didn’t have a wife, but inside, I was grinning like all get out.

Fact is, there was only one thing he could’ve done right then to make me feel better, and bless his heart, he did it.  He turned around and bent over.  He was just doin’ it to empty the coffee over the fire, but my stars, you should have seen that man’s backside!  It was tight and lean, but not like one of those flat, skinny kind.  It was more like a couple of real firm peaches.  I just wanted to cup my hands around it and start rubbing, real slow, and then I’d press myself up against him, and he’d turn around and be danged near bursting out of his pants.

And the best part was that those pants were already so tight that it didn’t even look like he was wearing any drawers underneath.  If I could have reached out my hand right then, there wouldn’t have been nothin’ between me and him except one little piece of cloth, and I could have gotten rid of that right fast.  Since I wasn’t wearing any drawers under my trousers neither, we could have had ourselves a fine time right there.

But instead, we got everything loaded up and headed into Virginia City.  Every time he stood in front of me, I got hotter in a way that didn’t have nothin’ to do with the sun.  Problem was, he was so fine that I wasn’t quite sure how he’d take to me.  I decided that I needed to have a couple drinks to shore up my courage.  That didn’t work out so well, though, and the next thing I knew, he’d slung me over his shoulder and was carrying me out to the wagon while I sang at the top of my voice.

By the time we got to his ranch, I’d sobered up enough to come up with a plan.  Part of that plan meant that I needed to keep acting drunk, so I kept on singing as loud and off-key as I could.  Joe climbed down from the wagon and slung me over his shoulder, and when I felt his hands slide down my backside, I just about choked.  I tried to make it sound like I just belched, and he laughed as he carried me inside.  His pa and brothers was there, which I’d kinda forgotten about, so I kept singing while Joe hauled me upstairs and set me down in the prettiest room I ever saw.  It even had a bathtub in it!  Imagine that—a bathtub inside the house—and upstairs!

“We’ll bring some water up here for you,” he said, and he was gone before I could say anything else.

I sat on a stool while Joe and his brothers hauled up buckets of water.  Joe pulled a box of some kind of powder out of a cabinet and sprinkled it in the tub, and then he poured in the water and made mountains of the whitest, softest bubbles I ever did see.  “There’s a robe and slippers over here that you can use when you’re done,” he said.  “Enjoy your bath.”  And with that, he left, closing the door behind him before I could get more than a tiny look at that fine backside.

I stripped off my clothes and got into the water.  It was downright steamy—like I needed anything to heat me up any more.  I soaped myself up real good, washing off all that trail dust and sweat and grime and anything that might make a fine man like Little Joe say “no” to what I was ready to offer.  Then, when it was just me, all pink and wet, I yelled for a towel.

What I figured was that Joe would come in, I’d stand up, and he’d forget all about the towel and just take me right then and there.  I had it all figured out.  He’d see me there, with my skin all shiny and wet with those ladylike bubbles dripping off me, and he’d just want to burst right out of his pants.  I’d say, “Come here,” and he’d come, and I’d run my hands over that bulge until he started moaning.  Then, I’d stop and give him one of those saucy looks men like, and I’d say, “Let’s start again.”  Then, I’d unbutton his shirt, one button at a time, while he ran his hands over my bosoms, down to my hips, and around to my backside.  He’d have a real smooth, hard chest with none of that nasty fur some men have, and I’d run my tongue over it while he moaned some more.  Then, I’d unbutton his pants, and his pecker would burst out like it had been waiting for years.  I’d run my wet, soapy hands up and down it, and I’d hold his balls while I pressed my bosoms up against him, and he’d finally say, “Enough of this,” and he’d pull off all his clothes and lay me down on the rug.  I’d spread my legs wide, and he’d slide that great big pecker inside me and we’d keep going until we both exploded.  Just thinking about all that made me need to get things started a little, if you know what I mean, but it was all right because soon Joe would come up and finish the job.

Except it wasn’t Joe who came up with the towel.  It was one of his brothers, the big one.  Lucky thing I wasn’t standing up when the door opened, ’cause I think his head might have exploded.  As it was, his eyes got real big, and he danged near killed himself getting out of there.

That night, I tried again.  Me and Joe was outside in the moonlight, and he kept talkin’ about how tired he was, but I wanted to tire him out a whole lot more.  Even in the moonlight, all I could think of was running my hands over his body.  I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t what he might have thought at first.  I was no kid to be protected—I was a real woman, and I could do anything a woman could.  But he just gave me a sleepy grin that I’d have died to see on the other pillow, and the next thing I knew, I was jabbering on and he was asleep in the wagon.

If I wasn’t such an honorable sort, I might have tried to stir things up right then and there.  After all, a man’s head can be sleeping while his other parts are still wide awake.  Leastwise, that’s what a fellow I once knew said when I woke up to find him trying to get a little friendlier than I’d meant for him to be.  We were traveling together, and we had our bedrolls next to each other on account of it was cold that night, and all of a sudden, there he was poking at me—and not with his finger.  He swore afterward that he was asleep and that “it” just did that all by itself.  I wasn’t sure I believed him, but I didn’t exactly leave “it” in very good shape anyway, so it didn’t matter because it wasn’t like there was any chance of that happening again any time soon.

In any case, I decided that it wouldn’t be a good thing if Little Joe woke up to find me and his pecker having a good time without him.  Still, I couldn’t just walk away from that fine man.  So, I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, all nice and well-behaved, and it almost did me in.  Did I mention that he took a bath, too?   Seems those Cartwrights are so rich that they got a whole bathhouse down by the kitchen.  The room I used is only for company.  So, it turns out that while I was doing my washing, so was he, and now he smelled as sweet and clean as a boy, but with just a little bit of that kind of musky smell that men get.  When I kissed him, I tasted just a tiny bit of saltiness on his cheek, which was all smooth—he must’ve shaved after his bath.  I took my time kissing him, just in case he might wake up and turn to kiss me on the lips, but he didn’t.  So, I told myself there was always tomorrow, and I went inside to dream about him.

The next morning, Little Joe took me into town to get some new duds.  The lady in the shop kept jabbering on in French about how bee-you-ti-ful I looked, but all I cared about was what Joe thought.  ’Course, he probably saw gals dressed like that all the time, and I didn’t tell him he was buying me my very first fancy dress.  Then, the lady started talking about a ball that was coming up, and I made a mistake then, getting all excited about it.  I turned around to see Joe trying to hush her, and my heart sank a little ’cause I knew that meant he wasn’t plannin’ on asking me to the ball.  He wasn’t in love with me yet.  But when I looked in the mirror and saw how fine and womanly I looked in that dress, I knew it was just a matter of time.

Turned out them Cartwrights was plumb nervous about the fact that I knew Doc Holliday.  They were so nervous, in fact, that Joe’s pa tried to get him to convince me to move into town so’s Doc wouldn’t have a reason to come out to the Ponderosa and kill Joe.  I wasn’t budging, though.  I’d found me a man to love, and I wasn’t about to let some trigger-happy dentist with a bad cough get in my way.

I knew by this time that it was going to be up to me to make sure Joe knew how I felt.  If I played those silly courting games other girls played, it could be days before I got my hands on him, and I just didn’t feel like I could wait that long.  Every time I looked at his face, my heart started pounding like I’d been running for miles, and every time I looked below his belt, front or back, my insides got all hot and slithery.  One time, he had his shirt partly unbuttoned.  His chest was everything I’d imagined, and it was all I could do not to just grab him and rip the rest of those buttons right off.

Well, when Joe started talking about me getting a room in town, I knew it was now or never.  I told him flat out that I loved him, and before he could say anything, I took ahold of him and gave him the biggest, juiciest kiss I could manage.  I’d have done more, but just then, his big brother came in again.  I didn’t let go of Joe, though.  I wanted his brother to know that I wasn’t going anyplace.  This was my man, and if that big ox thought they were gonna get rid of me, then he had another think coming.

I don’t know what it is about men, I really don’t.  Johnny Holliday’d been chasing me all over the western territories even though I told him time and time again that all I had for him was a deep sisterly affection.  Little Joe Cartwright only seemed to think he had a brotherly affection for me, even though I told him I loved him and would be a good wife.  Why these men couldn’t get things straight, like who I loved and who I didn’t—well, I’ll never understand it.

And here’s another thing.  Joe did end up asking me to that ball.  Okay, he didn’t exactly ask me—more like he just announced to Johnny that we was going together.  ’Course, he could’ve said we’d be goin’ to watch the fellow at the mercantile unload supplies, and that would’ve been all right with me, too.  Truth is, I’d have gone anywhere with Joe, especially if there was a chance we’d end up nekkid afterward.

I could have gotten real excited about that ball except for one little tiny thing:  Johnny was planning to kill Joe that night.  All right, having the man you love get killed ain’t a tiny thing, but I knew it wasn’t gonna happen because I wasn’t gonna let it happen.  I just hadn’t figured out how I was gonna stop Johnny from killing Joe.  That was the tiny thing that was getting in the way of my being all excited.

And—okay, there was another tiny thing.  The night before the ball, I found Joe out at the corral, practicing his fastdraw like there was a snowball’s chance in hell that he was gonna be able to outdraw Johnny.  I probably shoulda let him practice, but it just seemed like the right time for a talk.  So, I started hinting around about how a fellow who asked a girl to a ball when he knew he might get killed for it must really like that girl a lot—must even be in love with her.  And he got this sad look on his face, and he told me that he liked me, but. . . .

Well, no point in repeating all of it.  Besides, it just meant that I hadn’t convinced him about my womanly charms yet.  With the ball tomorrow night, there wasn’t much time.  I was gonna need to do something pretty soon.  I thought about sneaking into his room that night, but with his brothers’ rooms on either side, I figured that they’d be able to hear what was happening and we’d be liable to get interrupted just when things really got going.  Since I wasn’t real excited about having that Peeping Tom come in when I was busy pleasurin’ my man, I decided to wait.

Finally, the next day, I got my chance.  Joe came in from working and announced that he was gonna take a bath.  Now, I knew doggone well that meant he wanted me to come in and join him in the bathtub.  There wasn’t any other reason that for him to be sayin’ it.  It ain’t like there was nobody else in the room.  So, I smiled and he smiled, and he said he’d see me later, and then he turned around so’s I could get a good look at that fine, fine, fine backside as he strutted out of the room.

If that wasn’t him calling me to come with him, I don’t know what was.

I gave him time to heat up his water and get his clothes off and do everything a fellow’d want to do before his lady joined him.  While I was waiting, I pictured him unbuttoning his shirt and tossing it on the floor, his chest all shiny with sweat.  That made me think about not waiting at all, because I’d be perfectly happy to kiss his chest right like that, but then I thought about what he’d be taking off next, and I decided that waiting would be worth it.

In my imagination, he bent over to pull off his boots and his socks.  I left him bent over for a while, still wearing his pants, just to get myself more worked up.  Then, I let him stand up and unbutton his pants, and they fell to the floor.  Even though it was still just in my mind at that point, I caught my breath, ’cause it was the biggest, purtiest pecker I ever saw.  I’d dare anybody to tell me they ever seen a better one, because I’m telling you it just ain’t so.  Nobody, but nobody, had a better pecker than my Joe.

By the time my mind let him get in the tub, I was getting downright squirmy.  I listened as hard as I could, and I didn’t hear anybody else around, not even that little Chinese fellow who always seemed to show up whenever I thought about nekkid Joe.  I knew his pa and brothers would be coming along soon, though, ’cause they were all going to that ball.  The way I saw it, I only had one chance left to show Joe that I was the kind of woman who’d make him happy, and time was runnin’ out.

So, I stood up and marched myself right through the house.  At the door to the bathhouse, I stopped and listened.  At first, I didn’t hear anything at all, and that got me to fretting that maybe he hadn’t even started yet.  Then, I heard a splash, like somebody dropping hisself into a bathtub, and I knew it was time.  I squared my shoulders, opened that door, and walked right in like I owned the place.

“Jane!”

I have to say, I never saw Joe’s eyes get so big so fast.  ’Course, it wasn’t his eyes I wanted to see gettin’ big, but I was all the way across the room and I couldn’t see into that big, deep tub from there.  He looked around real fast like he was going to try to cover himself up with a towel, but none of the towels were close enough for him to reach without getting up.  He turned around and reached toward the towels on the chair behind him, and I just about fell over at how beautiful that bare backside really was, especially all slick and wet.  “Oh, my lands,” I whispered, and he whipped back around like he hadn’t realized how much he was showing me.

“Jane, you need to get out of here!”  His face was all red as he sat back down, and he put his hands in front of his lap like he was going to make sure he didn’t show off any more.

“No, I don’t.”  I strolled across the room and picked up that chair with the towels, and I carried it all the way over by the door.  I could feel him watching me as I wedged the chair under the latch.  Then, I turned back to him.  “Now, Joe, I’m gonna show you what kind of a woman I really am.”

“I mean it, Jane!  You have to get out of here!  My pa and brothers are going to be back any time, and they’re going to come in here to clean up for the ball!”

Well, if that wasn’t the sweetest thing.  He was worried about his pa and brothers catching us together, just like I’d been worried about it the night before.  I winked at him, and then I looked around the room for something I could use on the double door that led straight to the outside.  Just when I started to think we might have a problem, I saw a whole shelf full of stuff that little Chinese man must have used for mending and such.  I don’t know why he kept it in the bathhouse, but no matter.  I took a long strip of cloth and tied the latches on the double door together.  Then, I turned back to Joe, whose eyes had gotten even bigger if that was possible.

“What are you doing?” he whispered.

“It’s like I told you, Joe,” I said.  “I’m a real woman.  I know you thought I was just some kid, but I’m all the woman a man like you could ever want, and I’m gonna prove it to you right now.”  His mouth opened, but no words came out.  “You’re takin’ me to that ball tonight even though Doc Holliday says he’s gonna kill you for it, so I know that you care a whole lot more about me than you’re lettin’ on.  Well, Joe, you don’t need to worry about nothin’.  Doc’s gonna head on out of town, and you and me will be together forever and ever, starting right now.”

As I talked, I started to unbutton my dress.  His breath was starting to come rougher, like he was real excited.  I walked across the room until I was close enough to see into the tub.  He moved his hands like there was any chance at all that they were big enough to hide what was going on in there.  His mouth might have been telling me to put my clothes back on, but there was another part of him that was liking what he saw, and that was the part I believed.

I slid my dress off my shoulders and let it land on the floor.  It took some work to get those blasted ladylike shoes off, but I managed to get rid of them and the stockings, too.  It was too bad I’d let that dress lady talk me into all those “undergarments” or whatever she called them, ’cause if I hadn’t been wearing them, I’d have been standing there buck nekkid and we could have gotten right down to business.  Instead, I had to unlace the corset, which took some doing but I go it off.  Then, I stood next to the tub, wearing nothing but my drawers.

He’d looked away when my dress fell, like he was doing something unseemly by watching me take off my clothes.  I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I needed him to pay attention now.  “Look at me, Joe,” I said as I untied the string on my drawers.  They dropped to the floor, and I kicked them to one side.  “Joe, I’m right here, and I want you as much as you want me.”  But he still wouldn’t look at me.

I could see how big and hard his pecker was, even with his hands in the way.  He wanted me, I knew he did, but he wasn’t doin’ nothing about it.  This wasn’t going the way I’d planned.

All right, then.  Sometimes, a woman has to take the lead.  I stepped into the tub, down at the end by his feet, and said again, “Joe, look at me.”

Well, he looked then, all right.  He looked at me standing there, and he was on his feet so fast you’d have thought he’d sat on a cactus.  He danged near fell out of the tub, but I reached out and grabbed him, and he grabbed onto me, and this time we both lost our balance and we fell down into the water, me on top of him.  The next second, we were kissing, and this time it wasn’t just a simple little kiss on the cheek—it was real man-woman kissing, with tongues and teeth and lips.  And it wasn’t just me with my arms around him, either.  His hands were sliding up and down my back, and I pressed myself against him as hard as I could.  His fingers cupped my backside, and then they slid around to my front and up to my breasts until I thought I’d die from sheer happiness.  He wanted me, I knew he did.  I could feel his hardness against my belly, and I shifted, reaching down to slide him inside me.

“Wait—Jane, wait.”  He sounded like he was out of breath, and I moved my mouth away from his just an inch or two.

“What’s the matter?  You okay?”

“Just—wait, all right?”  He didn’t sound right, and I sat back.

“You okay, Joe?” I asked when he didn’t say anything more and didn’t look at me.

He bit his lip.  “I’m sorry,” he said, finally looking up.  His voice was shaky.  “I’m so sorry, Jane—but I can’t do this to you.”

“To me?  What’re you talkin’ about?”  If that wasn’t the dadblamedest thing I’d ever heard.  “Now, let’s just finish what we started so’s we can be out of here before your pa gets back.”

He shook his head.  “I can’t, Jane,” he said.  “I’m so sorry.  I shouldn’t have started—”

“You didn’t start!  I did!  You just came along with me, that’s all!”  I was starting to get an idea of what was going on.  “I ain’t good enough for you, is that it?  Not enough woman for you?”  I stood up in the tub.  “Well, let me tell you something, Mister Joseph Cartwright, I am all the woman any man would ever need, and you’re dadburned lucky that you got this much of me!”  I stepped out of the tub and stormed across the room to where the towels were so that he wouldn’t see how close I was to bustin’ out crying.

“Jane.”  His voice was soft this time, and so was his hand on my arm.  I didn’t even know until then that he’d followed me.  I tried to shake him off as I wrapped the towel around myself, but he wouldn’t let go.  I even tried to get free and wallop him, but he held me firm.

“Go away.”  Now it was my voice that was shaky.

“Jane, let me explain, please.”  He stood behind me, rubbing my arms, as tears ran down my face.  Dadburn that Little Joe Cartwright.  I couldn’t have said the last time a man made me cry.  He turned me around and held me close, and even though all I wanted to do was run away, I stayed right there with my cheek against his warm wet skin.  He stroked my shoulders and whispered that everything was going to be all right, and that made me cry even more.

Finally, I was all cried out.  I sniffed, but I didn’t want to lift my head from his shoulder because I knew it was likely the last time he’d ever hold me like this and I just didn’t want to let go.

Then, something dawned on me.  I lifted my head and looked at him, and I just busted out laughing.  Here he was, being all sweet and comforting, and he was still buck nekkid.  He looked as startled as a mule that just got hit over the head with a log, but when I pointed, he grinned and turned red and said, “Mind handing me a towel?”

“Yes,” I said, but I gave him one anyway.  He wrapped it around his waist, and then he got all serious again.  “May I explain?”

Maybe it was the way he said “may” like all those fancy folks, but right then, I was just too tired to hear him.  “No,” I said, and I took hold of him again so that he wouldn’t see that I felt like crying some more.  “Oh, all right,” I muttered after a minute of resting my head against his shoulder and feeling his arms around me.  When a woman’s being held by the man she loves, she’ll go along with pretty much anything.

“It’s like I told you last night,” he said.  “I like you a whole lot, but . . . I don’t feel for you the way you feel for me.”

“That might be true of part of you, but there’s another part that don’t quite seem to agree with that.”  I could feel that part nudging me again, and I moved my lower part up against him.

He chuckled a little bit, and he moved his lower part back so that our towels were barely touching.  “It’s not that easy,” he said.  He took my chin in his hand and looked square at me anyway. “You deserve to be with somebody who feels about you the way you feel about him,” he said.  “It wouldn’t be fair of me to lie with you, knowing how you feel and knowing that I can’t return that feeling the way you want.  I’d be using you, and I like you too much to do that.  You deserve better.”

I lifted my chin away from his hand and narrowed my eyes.  “Let me see if I got this,” I said.  “You won’t lie with me ’cause I love you and you like me too much?”

He chuckled again.  “It doesn’t make much sense when you put it like that.”

“Joe, listen to me,” I said.  “I’m a grown woman, and I know what I want.  You ain’t gonna hurt me, I promise.”

He looked in my eyes like he was searching for something.  “I wish I could believe that,” he said at last.  “But I don’t.  You didn’t come in here to have fun.  You came in here because you love me.”

“But I wanted to have fun, too,” I pointed out.  “Ain’t you ever just had fun with a girl?”  I tried to give him one of those saucy little smiles that the frilly girls do.

His eyes were serious.  “Not one who’s in love with me,” he said gently.

“You mean, one who’s in love with you when you ain’t in love with her.”  Even I could hear the bitterness in my voice.

He nodded.  “You deserve a man who loves you the way you love him.”

“But I want you!  An’ I can sure tell that you want me!”  I looked down to where that great big beautiful pecker that was still standing at attention under the towel.  It was all I could do not to just shove him down on the ground and straddle him.  I could feel my insides getting wet at the thought of taking him inside me and feeling him slide back and forth as I squeezed him until I just wrung him dry.

I didn’t realize I was staring at it until he reached over and took my chin again, forcing me to look up into his eyes.  “You’re a beautiful woman, Jane Canary,” he said.  “And I guess I’m probably six kinds of a fool for saying ‘no’ right now.”

“I reckon you’re gonna regret it,” I said.

“I reckon I am,” he agreed.  “But I’m doing it anyway.  Now, you get your clothes on and get upstairs and get ready for that ball.  It’s like I told you—I want every man in that room to be jealous of me.”

“Think how jealous they’d be if they knew you had a chance to do a whole lot more than dance.”  I kept looking in his eyes while my hand reached toward his towel.

“They’d think I’m a fool, that’s for sure,” he said, taking my hand just before I touched him.  Caught, I grinned, and he grinned back.

A bang on the door made us both jump.  “Joseph, are you in there?” his pa called.  He pushed at the door, but the chair held fast.  “Joe?  What’s going on in there?”

We looked at each other, wild-eyed.  “It’s me, Mr. Cartwright,” I called.  “I just blocked the door ’cause of that Peeping Tom who keeps coming around.”

“Sorry, Jane,” said Mr. Cartwright, and we both held our breath as we heard him walk away.  Then, Joe let go of his hold on me and stepped back, shaking his head and smiling.

“You better get yourself out of here,” he said.  There was a look in his eyes that I didn’t understand at the time.  Later that night, when I watched him ride out of town with his family and I whispered my goodbye to him on the cool night air, it started to make sense, and in the days to come, as I listened to Johnny talk about things I didn’t care about, I thought about it a lot until I finally understood.

That look in his eyes—it was regret, pure and simple.  Not regret that he hadn’t taken me, but regret that there are some things a person just can’t change, no matter how much he wants to.  I know in my heart that, when he was looking at me right then, Little Joe Cartwright would have given pretty much anything to be able to fall in love with me the way I was in love with him.  That’s the kind of fellow he was.  But one thing him and me both knew is that you can’t force that kind of love to happen.  Either you love like that, or you don’t, and there’s nothing anybody can do to change it.  It’s just like I used to wish I could have fallen in love with Johnny the way he loved me.  I never did, though.  We rode together, we laughed and argued, and I held his hand when he died, but I never felt for Johnny Holliday even a tenth of what I felt for Joe Cartwright.

I didn’t understand all this then, when Joe and I stood there in our towels.  I didn’t even really know it later that night, when we were dancing and he kept grousing about how come I had to have “that polecat” with us when we were dancing.  It was the only time I ever flat out lied to him, and I told him it was elegant or some such nonsense.  Truth is, “that polecat” was the fur muff I’d bought to hide the gun I was going to use to shoot Johnny if he killed Little Joe.  I don’t know for a fact that I’d have aimed to kill Johnny, but I do know I’d have shot him.  Johnny knew that, too.  That’s why he was suddenly taken with a coughing spell.  Johnny knew better than to fool with the likes of me, especially about the man I loved.

’Course, Little Joe didn’t know what happened.  He thought he faced Johnny down all by hisself, and I didn’t tell him different.  See, I knew by then that I had to let him go, and I didn’t want him feeling beholden to me.  I just wanted him to be able to look back on these days and remember that once he’d known a woman who loved him with everything she had.  And if he got a little wistful sometimes and wondered if maybe he could’ve fallen in love with her that way, too . . . well, that was fine by me.

The End

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