Summary: Little Joe reflects back to when he challenged an important decision that his father made. Now, at seventeen, he discovers why Pa was right.
Rating T, WC 10,225

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If Your Heart Cries Out Tonight

*** You may not know it, but I can see through your disguise.  Try not to show it, then give it away with your eyes.  But it’s as sure as I’m standing here what we want to do.  You’re just afraid that I’m not sincere.  But, if your heart comes out tonight, love could stay beyond the morning’s light.  There’s a way to last another day, if your heart comes out tonight.  I never knew it, that you’d been hurt by someone else.  You can get through it; you just have to trust in yourself.  And it’s as sure as I trust in you, we’ll turn it around.  There’s not a thing we can’t do.  If your heart comes out tonight love could stay beyond the morning’s light.  There’s a way to last another day, if your heart comes out tonight. *** (Song If Your Heart Comes Out Tonight, written by Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart)

Little Joe Cartwright fell to his knees and tenderly stroked the neck of the black stallion laying there on the ground.  Joe felt as though the breath had been stolen from his lungs due to the battle that was being waged between his mind and his heart.  He reached over and assessed the damage to the horse’s front right fetlock one final time.  The break was easily spotted, the bone jutting out through the skin, and he knew there was no saving the animal even if his brother Hoss had been there to help.  Nor could the local veterinarian come up with any kind of a fix, not with the kind of break that the horse had sustained.  Joe was there at the corral by himself, and it would be his call and his alone as to whether he’d have to put the animal out of its misery or try to go for help.

While tenderly stroking its thick black mane, Joe whispered to the stallion which he had raised from a colt.  “I’m just so sorry – so sorry, Midnight.”   He shakily pulled himself back to standing and untethered the hammer of his gun and drew it out.

Joe didn’t turn around when he heard the rapid approach of a rider, but instead rotated the cylinder of his Colt revolver to make sure that it was fully loaded.  He bit at his bottom lip and aimed his gun down towards the injured animal’s head.  There was no other choice, no other recourse and Joe knew it.  The horse was suffering badly, and its breathing was labored due to all the pain that it had endured since the fall several minutes ago.  The loud solitary crack from the Colt reverberated against the mountain range which surrounded the western border of the Ponderosa Ranch.  And, afterwards, there was a deathly quiet that hung in the air along with the lingering acrid smell of gunpowder.

Joe stood there in stunned silence as he let the Colt fall effortlessly from his fingers as though it was a murder weapon.  It landed down on the ground with a weighted thud as he pulled his right shirt sleeve up to cover his eyes.  Joe needed a few minutes to gain his composure and make peace with what he had just done.

Ben Cartwright had watched his son discharging his weapon, sending off the single bullet which had killed the horse instantaneously.   The saddle creaked as he dismounted slowly and made his way over to the weathered wooden gate, pulling it open. Random thoughts swirled in Ben’s mind as he prepared to draw closer to his son.  He wondered if it had been by pure chance alone that he had arrived at just the precise moment to witness Joe’s actions and the heartbreaking decision he must have just made?  Pa couldn’t say what had made him venture out to see how the boy was doing that day.  He chalked it up to being some kind of fatherly intuition, or so he presumed.  Regardless, he was glad that he had listened to the feeling deep in his gut and had ridden to the breaking corral that afternoon. Making it over to the boy he stared down at both the stallion and his son’s gun which still lay on the ground where Joe had dropped it.  Ben struggled to choose the right words that would provide comfort, keenly aware that Joseph was in a state of shock and grief by the look on his face.

Neither Pa nor Joe made a sound or sought eye contact with each other.  The familiar quietness descended, hanging down like a heavy shroud, the unspoken language they both knew far too well.    The silence was so complete that they could both hear the other’s breathing, shallow and fast.  Finally, Joe turned casting a quick unsure glance over at his pa.  He pushed aside the unspent tears pooling in his eyes and then tried his best to address what had just happened.  His words dried up like a dry creek bed and he fought to work some moisture around in his mouth before attempting to speak.

“I – I don’t know how it happened, Pa – I was just taking Midnight through his usual moves – we weren’t even going fast.  He – well — he just went down,” Joe stuttered, trying his best to explain why the stallion now lay still like an artist’s rendering of a life-sized statue on the cold hard ground.

Ben went down on one knee and checked the break to the horse’s fetlock and then looked up at his son.  “Joseph — with this kind of a break there wasn’t anything anyone could’ve done for Midnight to save him.  You did the right thing,” Pa insisted hoping to alleviate any doubt that his son might have in his mind about putting the animal out of its misery.

“I’ve never had to do that before, Pa,” Joe whispered and dropped his head down, still fighting with his emotions.

Ben dusted off his pantleg as he slowly stood back up and settled a hand onto Joe’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.  He solemnly shook his head as he gazed at his distraught seventeen-year-old son.  He felt for the boy and knew that it had taken a lot out of him to have shot and killed the beautiful black stallion he had helped to raise from a colt.  “I’m sorry, Joseph – but you did exactly what I would’ve done.  You did the right thing – Midnight would’ve suffered terribly if you hadn’t made that decision.”

“I’m just so sorry, Pa – so sorry!” Joe exclaimed and dropped down onto his knees.  His penetrating gaze fell on both his gun and the horse lying dead next to it.  His emotions were now rent with sorrow and guilt for having killed the animal and Joe couldn’t shake them off nor will them away.  All he could do at the present time was to seek the wisdom and understanding of his pa.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, like I just said – you did the only thing that you could’ve done.  Awful as it was, it was the only humane recourse, Son,” Ben reiterated as he knelt alongside of Joe and placed his arm around the boy’s shoulders.  Pa’s grip tightened, as a silent acknowledgement of their shared pain over the loss.

“I – I know that Pa – that’s not what I’m trying to say to you,” Joe choked out as tears blinded his eyes.  He had tried his best not to look at the lifeless form lying there on the ground, but he couldn’t help himself.  The sight seized his heart, suddenly causing images of the past to penetrate his troubled mind.  Joe had witnessed something very similar several years ago and it had begun to send shivers up his spine and mournful regret controlling his thoughts.

Ben pulled Joe back some, attempting to get a good look at him, trying his best to read what was on the boy’s face.  “I don’t understand, Joseph.  What are you trying to tell me?”

Little Joe wanted to explain, but his voice cracked every time he attempted to speak.  No words came out.  The air grew thick with silent regret, a burden he couldn’t seem to rid himself of.  Joe attempted to work out in his head how he could best tell his father what he was feeling inside but in a way that wouldn’t come out all disjointed and impossible to comprehend.  Having made the decision to put Midnight out of his misery had suddenly thrust Joe back in time to when he was twelve years old and had witnessed Pa doing the very same thing that he had just done.  Only back then he had been so furious with his father that it had caused a deep rift between the two of them.  Joe had been incensed that Pa had killed the beautiful black mare that he had hoped would be his first horse as soon as she was saddle broken.  He just couldn’t believe that his father could be so heartless to have shot the horse he had helped Hoss raise from a foal.

When Joe had yet to offer any further explanation, his father stared into his eyes and asked again, “What are you sorry about, Joe?  If you’re not talking about what just happened to Midnight, then what is it?”  Ben had no earthly idea where his son was going with his statement, though he fought to draw a bead on the meaning behind his boy’s words.

“This time it was me, Pa — I had to put a horse down – but back then – I just didn’t understand.  I’m just so sorry for how I acted and what I said to you — so sorry, Pa,” Joe finally had gotten the words out though he hadn’t completely revealed what he was referring to.

Ben’s right hand gripped his son’s shoulder, attempting to force eye contact with him. He struggled to comprehend what Joe was alluding to and why he was now apologizing.  When Joseph’s hazel eyes finally met his, a sudden awareness fell onto Pa’s mind and his heart.  He now remembered what Joseph had witnessed at the tender age of twelve, some five years ago.  Ben nodded his head to acknowledge that he was aware of the similarities in the two cases where a horse had been put down due to a fall.  Pa quietly addressed the reason behind his son’s apology.  “Joseph – I know you were too young to understand what I had to do back then.  That’s all water under the bridge now.  Son, I forgave you for everything you did back then right after it all happened.”

Tightly closing his eyes, Little Joe attempted and failed to keep the past at bay.  He could still vividly recall everything that had occurred and why he had been so angry with his pa.  Now, after having put Midnight down, Joe felt as though a bandage had been ripped off an old wound which had never really healed.  He could still see Pa standing there with his gun readying to kill the horse, his horse.  It had been the closest he had ever come to hating his father, and the hurt it had caused had always remained buried deep inside Little Joe’s heart, even after five years had passed.  Staring up into Pa’s compassionate eyes the memory returned with a sudden, painful clarity.

*******************

Little Joe had rushed through his breakfast in record speed while his two brothers and father stared over at him and the youthful enthusiasm spreading across his face.  They all knew that the boy was excited, and no-one wanted to dampen his spirits, which was one reason that his pa hadn’t scolded him on the haste in which he had gulped down his meal and sprung from his chair.

“Pa – I’m gonna go hitch up the buckboard, okay?” Little Joe sang out as he prepared to launch himself towards the front door.

“Hold up there, Boy!” Pa called over to the twelve-year-old.  “You let one of your brothers help you with the team, Joseph.”

“Shucks, Pa – I can do it, I ain’t no little kid ya know?” Little Joe argued the point.

Hoss and Adam both chuckled and their amusement was met by Pa’s stern warning gaze.  He hadn’t wanted his older boys to laugh at Little Joe for fear of making him feel foolish over what he had just said.  They both tried to gain their composure, so they’d not set their father off so early in the morning.

“Joseph?  Do I need to repeat myself?  Oh, and I believe we’ve talked about you using that word ain’t now, haven’t we?” He asked raising his voice an octave.

Little Joe stared down at the floor and muttered, “No, Sir, Pa you ain’t got to repeat yourself – oh – well I mean you don’t have to repeat yourself.  Hey Hoss – you ‘bout done with breakfast?”

“I ain’t done yet ‘cause I don’t shovel food into my mouth like you do, Short Shanks!”

“Pa, how’s come Hoss can say ain’t and I can’t?”  Little Joe questioned, staring innocently at his father for an explanation.

“Your brother is older,” Pa groaned, trying to figure out where he had gone wrong by mentioning Joseph’s constant use of slang.  He couldn’t think of a better answer at the time and hoped that his youngest would just accept his somewhat feeble response.

Little Joe was back to his earlier hunt for someone to help him.  He gazed hopefully over at Adam and tried again, “Adam are you ‘bout done?”  He cast a look that went straight through to his eldest brother’s heart making him putty in the little boy’s hands now.

“Okay, Little Joe, I’ll help you hitch up the wagon as long as you’ll listen to what I tell you to do,” he returned and wiped his mouth on his napkin and tossed it down onto the dining table.

Little Joe grinned and answered, “I always listen to you, Adam – I listen to all three of you all of the time!”

The boy’s statement caused all three Cartwrights to laugh heartily.  The kid rarely listened to his two brothers and only about half of the time paid any mind to what his father told him to do.

“That’ll be the day!” Hoss called over to his little brother chuckling.

“Come on, Kid,” Adam said and walked over to Joe and spun him around towards the front door.

“You ever seen Little Joe this excited, Pa?” Hoss asked as he worked on finishing his second helping of flapjacks.

Ben shook his head and smiled over at his middle boy.  “I think that Joseph is just sure that I’m going to allow him to keep Beauty once she’s saddle broken.  He’s been hoping he’d soon be getting her as his own horse ever since you let him watch her being foaled three and a half years ago.  I suppose to an eight-year-old at the time it must have seemed like three years was an eternity to wait until that horse was old enough to put to saddle.”

“You gonna let Little Joe have her once she’s saddle broken, Pa?”

Ben mulled over the question as he set down his coffee cup.  “We’ll see, Son, though in Little Joe’s mind it’s a done deal, but I’ve got to make sure that Beauty won’t be too much horse for that kid.  We’ll know more once we see how well she takes to those wranglers trying to break her today.  I did tell Joseph two weeks ago on his birthday that now that he’s twelve he’ll get a full-sized horse like his brothers.  Let’s hurry and get finished before that rapscallion jumps in the buckboard and takes off towards the breaking corral and leaves the three of us behind in the dust!” Ben grinned and polished off his coffee.

Hoss laughed and nodded over to his pa and responded, “I sure wouldn’t put anything past that kid!”

****************

While Hoss and Adam rode their two mounts out to the main breaking corral Pa had ridden in the buckboard next to the twelve-year-old who was talking incessantly about the black mare that was about to be put through the paces of being a saddle horse.  Little Joe had hardly stopped his chatter to draw a breath and his father’s head was beginning to throb.

“Joseph?  Would you like a go at driving the buckboard for a little while?  The road is smooth and straight the next mile or two and it’d be good practice for you,” Ben offered in a hopeful attempt to quiet the boy for a bit.

“Sure, Pa!” Joe exclaimed and moved over and exchanged positions in the front of the wagon and his father handed over the reins to the team of horses.  “Like I was saying, Pa – I betcha there ain’t – oh sorry – I bet you there isn’t another horse on this whole ranch who has a better gait than old Beauty!” Joe was right back at his excited soliloquy.

*** Well, that didn’t work! *** Ben thought to himself as he rubbed at his temples fighting a groan.

“What’s the matter, Pa? You ain’t – I mean – you aren’t feeling good?”

*** No I ain’t! *** Ben mused to himself as he shook his head.  “I’m fine, Joseph, now keep a watch on those reins – don’t hold them too tightly.  Maybe you’d better try and focus and not talk quite so much?”

“No, Pa – I got ‘em good, I can talk and drive – no problem,” Joe grinned.

*** That didn’t work either.  Okay, he’s just a kid, Ben, and he’s excited and you can’t deny him the joy of this day. *** Ben grinned over at his youngest knowing that he wouldn’t be a little boy much longer.

“Good job, Little Joe, now — what were you saying about Beauty?” He cajoled the kid wrapping his arm around the slender shoulders.

*******************

Adam and Hoss were the first ones to reach the breaking corral and shouted their greetings to the three wranglers who were waiting their turns to try to saddle break the horse that they’d brought over to the corral earlier that morning.

“Here we are, Joseph,” Ben called to his son as he moved the buckboard next to the eastern side of the corral.  “Hop on down and tie these reins over yonder for me!” He called and watched his son hurry to complete his task.  Ben could read the eagerness well displayed on Little Joe’s face and in his movements.

“Pa?  They’ve got Beauty across clear on the other side – can I go and talk to her before they begin?”

“We’ll ALL go talk to your horse,” Ben grinned and patted the curly head.

“MY HORSE?” Joe shouted excitedly.  “You mean you’ve decided she can be my very own horse, Pa?”

“Whoa there, Boy – I was just talking about the fact that you and Hoss raised her.  I’ve not made my mind up yet about if she’ll be your first full-sized horse. Remember how I told you that you can never know about how a horse will do for you until she’s taken to the saddle?”

“Gosh, Pa – I just know old Beauty will take to that old saddle and she’ll be the best darned horse ever!” Joe replied adamantly.

“We’ll see, Joseph – we’ll see.  Now come on and let’s go talk to the wranglers – your brothers are already over there.”

“Yes, Sir,” Joe nodded and followed his pa across to where the men had Beauty waiting in the side gate readying for her first ride.

“I hear it’s a big day for you, Little Joe,” One of the wranglers known as Dusty smiled down at the boy.

“You men are gonna take it easy on my horse right, Mister Fielding?  I mean – she may be a bit skittish – but that’s normal the first time out you know?” Joe advised as though he was a wrangler himself already.

Knowing smiles went around the group of men and they realized how much their boss’s little boy treasured the black mare waiting for her first attempt with holding a man and a saddle on her back.

“We will take it easy on her, Little Joe,” Dusty nodded at the kid.

Joe turned to look up at his father and asked, “Pa – I know they’re all about ready, but can I go and just talk to Beauty for just a second?  I just want to explain to her what’s gonna happen and tell her not to be nervous.  And I want to show her that I’ve got two pockets full of sugar cubes for when she gets all done today.”

Ben turned and glanced over at Hoss and gave him the “look”.  “You go on over, Joseph, but your brother Hoss will be standing by – Beauty might just be a bit spooked, and I want you to be safe.”

“Shucks, Pa — Beauty knows I’d never do anything to hurt her – I’ve been feeding her by hand since she was born.”

“Joseph?” Ben said and raised his eyebrows in gesture that the boy better comply to his order.

“Yes, Sir,” Joe sighed and then walked along next to Hoss until they drew close to where the horse was saddled and ready for the first wrangler.

“Little Joe, now you’ve seen this all before, right?  I don’t want you to think that any of these men are gonna hurt old Beauty because they’re not.  But breaking a horse is a dangerous thing – and they’ll be doing their best to protect themselves and Beauty too,” Hoss tried to explain to the kid.

Joe patted Beauty on her withers and whispered over to her, “Beauty – you heard Hoss – he’d never lie to you, you know?  Don’t try and buck these guys off too bad, okay?  You’ll be fine – and I betcha my pa will give you to me just as soon as you prove to him that you’re gentle enough.  Do your best, girl – I’ve got some sugar cubes here in my pocket and just as soon as all this breaking stuff is over, I’m gonna give them all to you!” Joe patted the horse one last time and then Hoss led Joe across the corral and over to the opposite side where both Ben and Adam stood.

Little Joe had pulled himself up on the rails of the corral, but he had positioned himself on the inside towards where all the action would soon be happening.  Without a word, Pa lifted him up and over the rails and secured him underneath his arm.

“I can’t see it as good from here, Pa!” Joe protested staring up at the man.

“Joseph, it’s not safe on the other side – I’ve seen men hit by horses going around this ring and it’s not going to happen to you.  Now, you can see that all the rest of us are on this side – I don’t want to hear any complaints about you standing next to us.”

“It ain’t that, Pa – I mean – it isn’t that Pa.  It’s just that –well I’m not as tall as you three are and I can’t see between these fence rails,” Little Joe explained.

Pa smiled at the situation and took pity on the kid.  Having his two other boys both over eighteen he sometimes forgot what it was like for Joe to be the youngest and shortest of his three sons.  “I believe that I can help you with that, Son,” Ben announced and hefted the boy up onto his shoulders.  “Now, Joseph, you have the best seat in the house!” He called up to his youngest.

Little Joe laughed and reached for his father’s face and patted it lightly.  “Thanks for understanding, Pa,” He whispered.

********************

Three of the most seasoned wranglers that the Ponderosa had on its payroll slowly eased the horse out from the inside gate and took their time.  They advanced the horse around the ring using a lead rope to get her accustomed to the area.  Next, they used their well-honed talents to try and ease the horse into the bridle.  Beauty fought for just a few seconds but then acquiesced and allowed the men to set the bit between her teeth and pull the bridle over her muzzle and then secure it behind her ears.  It was then the time for the true test and with two other wranglers flanking him, Dusty mounted the horse.  She instantly attempted to buck him off and her ears twisted back as she whinnied loudly.

“It’s okay, Little Joe,” Adam whispered to the kid.  He had looked up to where the boy was still perched on their father’s shoulder and noticed the fear painting his face.  “It’s all part of teaching her to be a saddle horse.”

Little Joe didn’t reply.  He was too focused on what was happening across the corral to do anything but hold his breath.

The first man only stayed in the saddle for about thirty seconds and was dumped down to the ground and scurried out of the way of the angry hooves.  Undeterred, the next wrangler stepped over and Dusty and the other wrangler helped him get up into the saddle.

“Who’s that guy, Pa?  I don’t know him – he won’t hurt Beauty, will he?” Joe asked, his voice shaking with worry.

Ben reached up and patted his son’s knee and answered, “That’s Cleve Moultrie and he’s the best wrangler in this whole area.  He’s got more experience than even Dusty has.  Don’t fret, Joseph.”

Cleve climbed up on Beauty and she took off at full speed trying to rid her back of the wrangler.  The horse bucked wildly and then she attempted to shove the man’s legs up against the wooden rails of the corral.  The angered mare’s nostrils flared as she reared up on her back legs and ripped at the air with her front hooves.  Beauty was having no part of both saddle and man on her back, and she made her protests known. The other wranglers and the Cartwrights looked on amazed at the skill that the seasoned bronc buster had.  Cleve had yet to fall from the saddle even though it had been a rough ride for over two minutes.  It was then that the unimaginable happened.   A thick dust cloud erupted as horse and man crashed down onto the earth beneath them. The other wranglers rushed over to pull Cleve’s left leg out from underneath the horse and soon carried him to safety to determine if he had been injured.

For just a split second none of the Cartwrights moved or made a sound.  Then, before Ben could grab him, Little Joe launched himself off his father’s shoulders and hopped over the wood railing.  He rushed into the ring heading straight for Beauty.  Pa ran after the boy followed by his other sons.

“You’re okay, Girl – you’re okay!” Joe exclaimed as he went down to his knees alongside the horse.

Ben knelt next to his youngest.  He knew better.  The animal wasn’t making any attempt at getting up which gave rise to the opinion that the horse had gotten hurt.  “Joseph – step away while I check her over,” Ben said, his voice strained.

Hoss and Adam sandwiched their little brother between them, throwing an arm around each of his shoulders.

Pa finally looked up and signaled Hoss over.  The two of them huddled together for a few minutes and discussed what they had noticed.  Beauty had a badly broken leg, one that had caused one of the bones to her right front to poke through the skin.

“Nothing we can do about that kind of a break, Pa,” Hoss whispered and pushed away a few tears well out of the sight of Little Joe.  “You want me to take the shot, Pa?”

Ben shook his head sadly and touched the big man’s shoulder.  “Since it has to be done it’s best that I do it, Son.  Joseph is going to be mad at anyone who has to end this horse’s life – it’s best he directs it at me.”

Both men stood once again and finally turned to face Little Joe and Adam.  “Joseph— come here a minute,” Pa whispered and held out his hand to the kid.

Joe nervously approached his father and stared into his eyes.  “She’ll be okay, right, Pa?  She’s probably just winded from the workout.”

Ben shook his head and draped an arm around his son’s shoulder and answered, “I’m sorry, Joseph, Beauty has a broken leg.  She’s suffering something awful and I’m going to have to put her out of her misery.  I’m so sorry, Boy.”

“No!” Joe shouted full of anger and disbelief.  He pushed aside his father and went down to the ground next to his horse.  “You’re gonna be just fine, Beauty, they’ve just got to give you a chance to get up!” Joe insisted and then stroked the mare’s mane.  He never noticed the way she was panting hard nor the suffering she was showing in the way her chest hitched with each breath.

“Hoss,” Ben walked next to his middle boy. “Pick your little brother up and get him to the buckboard.  I don’t want him to witness me taking the shot.”

Hoss nodded and approached Joe.  “Come on, Short Shanks,” He called to the boy as he lifted him up into his arms.  “Pa’s doing what’s best for Beauty.  Let’s go to the wagon and talk.”

“No!” Joe screamed and fought his brother’s hold as Hoss carried him away forcibly.

Ben untethered the hammer of his gun and checked the cylinder to make sure that it was fully loaded.  He steadied his nerves and prepared to take the kill shot.  Lifting his right hand out and cocking the hammer back, readying to tilt the gun down to the ground towards the horse, he suddenly felt something grab his arm causing an accidental discharge.  A bullet escaped from the barrel of the Colt slamming into the ground just a few feet from where Ben stood.  He glanced down and spotted Joseph hanging onto his arm.  Pa’s stomach churned when he realized that he’d come close to shooting his son.  His heart seized with terror which then lent way to an intense anger at the child who had made such a dangerous move.

“Joseph!” Ben screamed at the top of his lungs.  “I darned near shot you!” He exclaimed and holstered his gun.  Pa, filled with anguish and fright over what had just happened, pulled the boy closer and swatted his son’s backside two times.  “I’ve told you and told you to stay away from a man when he’s firing his weapon!  You could’ve been killed!”

“I had to stop you!” Little Joe retorted angrily.  He had felt the strong hand of his father and the sharp sting of it, but he didn’t care anymore. Joe didn’t even care that his brothers had witnessed him getting punished.  He just wanted Pa to stop trying to kill his horse.

“Hoss!” Ben bellowed and then witnessed both Hoss and Adam sprinting over to him.

“Sorry, Pa – the darned kid bit Hoss’ hand and jumped out of his arms,” Adam explained.

“Hoss, I want you to hold onto this child and I don’t care how you have to accomplish that feat even if you have to hogtie him!  Adam, you stay right at his side this time!” Ben insisted and watched as his two older boys grabbed Joe up in their arms and, unlike the previous time, didn’t let him get away.

Ben prepared his weapon once again and tried to steady his frayed nerves.  Finally, the reverberation of the gunshot was heard all around the breaking corral.  In the distance he could hear Joseph shouting out that he hated his pa.  It tore at his heart, but he knew that the boy didn’t mean it.  Crestfallen, he walked over to the wranglers and after hearing that Cleve had only sustained some minor bruising and would be alright, he had asked them to take care of the horse’s remains.  They had all told Ben how sorry they felt for the loss of the animal and assured him they’d handle everything.  Sighing to himself, Pa walked over to the buckboard knowing that he’d be enduring a very sad ride back to the ranch house.

While both of his brothers relinquished their hold on Little Joe, Pa made his way over to the wagon and untied the reins.  He cast a nod over to his older boys, thanking them for watching their little brother while he had been dealing with Beauty.  Hoss and Adam swung up in their saddles and stared over at Joe.  The boy was now quiet and had his arms folded tightly across his chest holding in his anger.

Ben climbed up to the bench seat and cast a glance over at his youngest.  He knew that the boy had too much on his mind at the time and they would just have to get into everything that had happened once they were back at home.  He tapped at the reins and the team of horses pulled away from the breaking corral.

Little Joe, unable to sit there next to his father because he was so mad at him, turned and jumped down into the bed of the buckboard.  Ben watched as he made the maneuver.

“Joseph, come back up here,” He called to the boy.

“I ain’t!” Little Joe shouted and held his ground.  He made sure to use the word that Pa had corrected him about earlier in the day.

“Fine,” Ben announced and turned his attention to the road up ahead.  There wasn’t any point in getting into it with the kid about his attitude at the time, it wouldn’t get either of them anywhere.  He snapped the reins a bit harder, picking up the pace.  Pa noticed how Hoss and Adam were now riding in sync with the buckboard, perhaps thinking that Joseph would bail out of the bed of the wagon and jump down into the road.  Sometimes it was just too hard to out-think the little boy and no-one knew the way his mind worked, especially when he was upset.

********************

An hour later the buckboard mercifully pulled up at the ranch house and Ben tied the reins down to the footboard.   Casting a fleeting glance to the bed of the wagon, he noticed Joe sitting there unmoving, as though the kid didn’t realize that they were home.  He watched as his two oldest boys tied their mounts to the front hitching post and headed his way.  Both Hoss and Adam were hesitant in their approach, neither man knowing how to help their little brother or their father for that matter.

Ben turned his attention back to his youngest and called down to him, “Joseph, come inside I want to have a talk with you.”

“Well, I ain’t got nothing to say to you!” Joe yelled and hopped out of the wagon and ran into the barn.

Ben drew in a deep breath, trying to ascertain what could be done to help the little boy who now had a world of pain and anger inside of him.

“Pa?  You want me to go and talk to Little Joe?” Hoss offered after witnessing his father’s careworn face.

Ben shook his head and returned, “I appreciate the offer, Son, but I guess it’s best right now if we all just let Joe get it all out of his system for a while.  Let’s go on inside and get some lunch.”

Adam neared his father and dropped an arm over the man’s shoulder attempting to show him some sympathy for all that he’d endured already that day.

No-one was very hungry even though Hop Sing had brought out a fine spread for them that afternoon.  They were all worried about Little Joe and how he wasn’t talking to anyone and had stayed up in the hayloft all afternoon.  Just before dark both Hoss and Adam tried one more time to reach their brother as they opened the barn door and peered around.

“He’s still up in the loft,” Adam whispered to Hoss and pointed upwards.

“You think we should go up there?  Maybe the kid is asleep?”

In response Joe shouted down from his perch, “Go away!  I don’t want to talk to any of you.  Just leave me alone!”

Hoss moved to the bottom of the ladder and responded, “Little Joe – now you know how much I loved that horse too.  I wish she could’ve been saved but it just couldn’t be done.  That bone in her leg snapped clean out of her skin, and there was no way she would’ve lived much longer.  Every minute that passed she was in awful pain.  You wouldn’t have wanted Beauty to suffer, now, would you?”

“I ain’t talking to none of you!  Go away!” Joe continued to protest the invasion of his territory there in the loft.

“Little Joe – Pa said you need to come in and get cleaned up before dinner,” Adam called up to his brother.

“I ain’t eating nothing.  You can just tell him that.  And I ain’t coming inside neither!”  Little Joe declared defiantly.

Hoss and Adam exchanged woeful glances wondering how their father would take the news that Joe wasn’t planning on coming inside the house even though he had been ordered to do just that.

“Listen, Little Joe,” Hoss began and moved up a few rungs of the ladder.  “Pa has had a rough day.  He didn’t want to shoot Beauty.  Don’t make tonight any worse on him.”

“Joseph!” The commanding voice rang out and Adam and Hoss turned to see their father standing in the doorway to the barn.  “Get yourself down from there right now and go wash up.”

“I ain’t hungry!” Little Joe replied hotly and didn’t move from his position in the loft.

“Joseph, if I have to come up and bring you down you won’t like it,” Ben returned sternly and then heard the sound of bootsteps sliding above his head in the hayloft.

Slowly Joe climbed down the ladder as Hoss moved back over to his father.  The boy never looked up at any of the men standing there in the doorway.

“I still ain’t eating!” Joe insisted and then ran off towards the house.

Ben glanced around the barn and observed how his youngest son had dealt with his anger all afternoon.  There were several overturned barrels which had been tossed around by the stalls.   Even the rakes and shovels hadn’t been spared as they had apparently been launched by the little boy against the barn’s four walls as he tried to vent out his anger over the whole situation.

“Kid hasn’t shed a tear yet, Pa,” Hoss said with sadness painting his face.

Adam moved in closer to the two other men and added, “I don’t think Little Joe knows how to process any of this in his mind.”

Ben sighed and shrugged his shoulders, trying to think of a way to get through to the boy without allowing him to run amok.  “He also doesn’t know how to process all of this in his heart, Adam.  And that’s what he needs to do.  Well, let’s all get washed up for supper, Boys.  I’ll figure out how I can best deal with your little brother after we’ve eaten.”

The three men walked out of the barn and back into the house, each hoping that Joe would settle down long enough so they could explain to him exactly why the horse had to be put down.

********************

“Did you tell him, Hoss?” Ben asked as he took a seat at the dining table.

Hoss frowned and nodded, “Yes, Sir—I told him, but he still says he isn’t coming down for supper.”

Pa turned to his eldest and shook his head.  “Adam, will you please go and tell that boy that if he’s not down here and in his chair in exactly two minutes that I’m going to go up there myself.  And you let him know that if I have to do that – well — he will be eating his supper standing up!” Ben threatened, as he was finally at his wit’s end with the youngster.

Adam headed up the stairs and, finding the boy’s door locked, knocked loudly.  “Little Joe, Pa says that if you don’t come down right this minute that he’s coming up and bringing you down and you’ll be standing to eat.  Now stop acting up and get your butt downstairs.  You’re not only hurting yourself but you’re hurting Pa too.”

“I said I ain’t hungry!” Joe yelled through the closed door.

“Pa doesn’t care if you are or aren’t hungry, he wants you at the dinner table right now.  If I was you, Kid, I sure wouldn’t make him come up here!”

Little Joe finally opened his bedroom door, and not looking up at his brother, simply walked out into the hall and headed to the stairs.

********************

Ben watched as Joe settled down in his chair, not looking over at anyone.  Pa stared over at him to make sure that the boy bowed his head when grace was said.  At the very least Joe had done that without a protest.  But when they began passing around the food Joe refused to take any of it off the many platters and bowls.  Not willing to allow his son’s ill temper to affect him, Pa placed the food onto Joe’s plate himself.

“Eat your supper, Joseph,” Ben said in a low controlled voice.

“I ain’t hungry – I already told all of you!” Little Joe insisted loudly.

“Young Man, lower your voice.  None of us in this room has any problem with our hearing.  I want you to eat – but I’m not going to sit here and force feed you.”

“Fine!  Then let me go back to my room!” Joe challenged his pa, only lowering his voice a tad.

Ben knew that his son’s horrible attitude was purposely being aimed at him for having shot his beloved horse.  He didn’t want to elevate the hostility in the room, so he decided to give in to what the boy had said for the time being.

“Joseph, you may go,” Pa started but turned and grabbed the boy’s left wrist before he rose from his chair.  “I will be up to talk to you as soon as I’m done here.”

Little Joe never looked over at his father and when Pa released him from his grasp he bolted from his chair and ran across the room and headed up the staircase.  All three men heard the loud slam of the kid’s bedroom door.

“Sorry, Pa,” Hoss whispered, feeling awful for the way his brother was taking his anger and frustration out on his father.

“He’s young – and he’s hurting – and he just doesn’t know how to deal with this kind of pain.  I’ll talk with him,” Pa sighed and attempted to eat his supper though his heart wasn’t in it.

*******************

After mulling over how he could best get through to his youngest, Ben made his way up to Little Joe’s room later that night.  Not bothering to knock on the boy’s door he simply walked inside.  Joe was sitting in a chair next to his window and refused to look over at Pa as he approached him.

“Joseph – it’s time you and I had a talk,” Pa announced and sat down on the end of the bed.

Little Joe held his arms tightly across his chest and holding his ground, he refused to look over at his father.

“Come over here, Son,” Pa patted the end of the bed and called over with a forced calm to his voice.

“I ain’t got nothing to say to you,” Joe muttered staring down at the floor.

“Well, I’ve got some things I want to say to you,” Ben returned and then noticed that the boy had something in his two clenched fists.  “What have you got in your hands?”  He asked suspiciously.

Little Joe frowned and muttered, “Nothing.”

Pa stood and moved over to where his son was seated.  He had to pry the boy’s hands open and when he finally got them loosened, he noticed that they were full of sugar cubes.  Pa’s heart fell in his chest, as he knew that Little Joe had taken them out to the breaking corral earlier in the day as a treat to give to Beauty.  With a soft whisper Pa said, “I’m sorry, Joseph.”  He then gently wrapped his son’s fingers into their prior position around the sugar cubes and patted his hands sympathetically.

“Son — will you please come sit down on the bed with me for a couple of minutes?  I want to discuss a few things with you,” Pa asked quietly as he eased back across the room.

Little Joe hadn’t missed the fact that his father was now speaking in a softer tone, and he didn’t sound as mad at him as he had earlier.  Still, he was upset with his pa over all that had happened that day and didn’t want to give in to the request.

“Please?” Ben asked again.

Joe stood and apprehensively walked over to the bottom of the bed, keeping his distance from his pa by a few feet, he finally sat down.

Ben drew in a deep breath as he attempted to gather his thoughts prior to beginning his talk with the angered boy.  “Son – do you know what it means to have a discussion with someone?”

Little Joe’s eyes finally met those of his father’s as he replied, “Yeah – it means you’re gonna fuss at me and then give me a tanning.”

If it hadn’t been such a terrible day Pa would’ve found humor in what his child had just said, but there wasn’t anything that was funny about what had transpired.  Ben cleared his throat to regroup his thoughts, still attempting to find a way into his son’s heart.  He stared again at his youngest and could see how his chin was quivering, but not in the usual manner.  Joseph oft times would fight to hold in his tears, and it would cause his chin to quiver, but now, however, it quivered due to the anger which was still well evident all over the boy’s face.  Joe’s jaw tensed up and then moved around as though he was fighting with all the willpower, he possessed not to vent out his anger.

“No—I’m not planning on fussing at you – and I’ve no intention of giving you a tanning either.  To discuss something – well – it means we talk.  We each get our say, do you understand?”

“Like I got my say about whether or not you got to kill my horse?” Joe fired back.  The boy’s stark piercing stare reflected the betrayal he felt towards his pa.

“Joseph—do you think I know a little bit more than a twelve-year-old does about horses?”

Joe dropped his head down and didn’t answer.

“Well, I do, Son.  Beauty had a very serious break –,” Ben was cut off by his son.

“If I had a bad break to my leg, would you just up and shoot me, Pa?”

Ben sighed and shook his head as he replied, “That’s different.”

“No, it ain’t!  My friend at school had a broken leg and old Doc Martin put it into a cast and now he’s just fine!  I suppose his folks should’ve just shot him instead!”

“Joseph—a human heals differently.  A horse can’t get off its leg if it’s got a bad break like Beauty had.  The bone broke in half and no amount of doctoring could’ve saved her.  If I hadn’t put her down as I did she would’ve died a very painful death.”

Joe stared down at his bed and then whispered, “Pa – you could’ve tried — tried to cast it before shooting her.”

“No, Joseph—it wasn’t possible.  A horse is a very heavy animal, and they distribute their weight equally between all four of their legs.  Humans can live even if they lose a leg, but horses can’t.  Humans can use a crutch if they have to, but a horse can’t.  And a human can lie down for years if they have to in order to heal but a horse can’t, or their stomach will stop working.  Now, if it had been only a minor fracture – and if we could’ve tried to splint the injury well you know I would’ve done that.  But Beauty’s break was far worse than that.  Hoss agreed after he saw it and you know how much he loved that horse.  It was the first foal that he got to deliver all by himself, and she meant a great deal to him.  She meant a great deal to all of us – and I know how much you loved her.”

Joe turned his face away from his father and pa could tell that he was still filled with anger over all that had happened.

“Joseph—do you really hate me for making sure that Beauty didn’t have to suffer?” Pa posed his question quietly.

“Never said I hated you,” Joe mumbled.

Ben leaned over a little closer to his boy and tilted his head trying to get a look into Joe’s eyes to see if they held truth in them.  “You didn’t?  I thought I heard you say that you hated me when Hoss took you over to the wagon?”

“I said I hated what you did,” Little Joe admitted sullenly.

“Oh – well – I guess I’m glad that you don’t hate me completely,” Pa sighed and attempted to set a hand onto the boy’s shoulder, but he shrugged it right off.

Several silent and painfilled minutes passed by and the atmosphere there in the room grew in intensity like the whistle of steam advancing from Hop Sing’s tea kettle.  They had reached an impasse and though they had always been so close in the past, now it felt as though they were a million miles away from each other’s heart.

Fidgeting there on the bed, Joe finally spoke out in an almost imperceptible whisper.  “I’m just so mad – just so darn mad.”

“I can understand that, Son.  But maybe it’s time you addressed your sorrow a bit.  You know it’s okay to do that, right?” Pa offered quietly, nodding over to the boy.

Joe opened his hands and noticed that the cubes of sugar had melted away leaving only a sticky residue.  He stood from the bed and grabbed a towel next to his water basin.  He dipped it into the water bowl and slowly scrubbed away the sad reminder of what he had planned to give to his horse.

Pa had caught the move and what his son was doing.  It was easy to see that Joe was wiping away what remained of his day without dealing with his grief.  Ben wished that he could melt away Joseph’s pain as easily as the sugar cubes had dissolved in the boy’s hands.  He stood from the bed and neared Joe hoping that he could find the right words to get through to his heart.

“Joseph –it’s about time that you let it all out.  You’ve been working on a lot of anger today – most of it aimed at me.  You’ve had time to be angry all day and half of the night.   You’ve yelled, slammed doors, made a total mess out of the barn and you’ve fought against all of us who have been trying to help you deal with your pain.  I think the main reason for all of that was caused by you not facing up to your sorrow.”

Joe just stood by his water basin still not looking up at his father who now stood right next to him.

“Joe—do you know why God gave you a heart?”

“So’s it could get broken,” Little Joe answered bitterly.

“No, Son – He gave you a heart, so you’d have a special place to hold your love and your sorrow.  And when your heart gets too full of sorrow,” Pa paused and tenderly touched his boy’s face and continued, “your heart sends tears out from your eyes to wash the sorrow away.”

Dropping his head down, Joe slowly walked past his pa and settled down on the bed.  He didn’t speak and he didn’t look over at his father though secretly he had listened to all that he had told him.

Ben followed his son across the room where he now sat looking so forlorn.  He reached over and placed a hand down onto the boy’s shoulder and whispered, “Now let the sorrow out, Joseph.”

Joe shook his head and then eased back against his pillows.  “I’m going to sleep,” He returned adamantly and forced his eyes closed to end the discussion.

Ben took a good long look at his youngest boy and shook his head wearily.  His third son had always experienced life with such an intense urgency to it.  Joseph played hard, worked hard, loved hard and grieved hard.  There had never been a middle ground which had existed in the boy’s character.  Joe either loved something or hated something, but that was the nature of the kid and Pa loved him “as is”.  Adam was the logical thinker of the three boys, Hoss the gentle giant of the bunch.  But Joseph was the exception that broke all of the rules.  If he was mad, then he was mad and there wasn’t anything anyone could do to allay his feelings.  Joe always had to flare off like a firecracker in order to burn out and extinguish his anger.  That was just the way of things, and his father knew that he’d just have to allow the boy the time to get to the point where he could admit that his heart was broken before Pa could help to put the pieces back in place.

Pa sighed despondently as he stared over at the twelve-year-old and gave up the cause at least for the night.  He wished that he had gotten through to the boy, but apparently, he hadn’t.  Walking to the bedroom door Pa turned and called across to his son, “Goodnight, Joseph.”  He then continued out into the hallway.  It had been a long day and a longer night, and Ben decided to turn in and hope for a brighter day ahead.

*********************

Pa hadn’t heard the light tapping at his bedroom door right away.  It was only when the sound grew a bit louder that he realized that he wasn’t dreaming.  Sitting up in his bed Ben reached over to the lamp on his nightstand and drew the wick up casting a soft glow to the room.  It was then that he heard the timid voice calling out to him as the door opened just a tad.

“Pa?  Pa, can I come in for a minute?” Little Joe whispered peering in to detect if he had awakened his father.

Ben stared over at his youngest child standing there in the doorway.  Joe was still fully dressed but his hair was a tousled mess he presumed due to a night of tossing and turning.

“Come on over here, Son,” Ben answered and watched the boy taking a few precarious steps his way, as if he was walking on broken glass.

“I – I just wanted to say something to you,” Joe stammered as he stood within inches of his pa.

Pa cast a knowing smile over at his boy.  ***Looks like the fire has finally gone out of the kid *** He thought to himself.   Ben pulled the blanket up and gently patted the side of the bed.  “Climb up here, Joseph, so I can hear you a little better.”

Joe made the move to the side of the bed and pulled himself up, taking a position sitting right next to his father this time.  He had rehearsed what he planned to tell Pa earlier but now the words seemed elusive.  Dropping his head down to his chest, Little Joe fought to express what he was feeling inside so his father would understand.

“It’s okay, Son, take your time,” Ben whispered patiently.

Little Joe cocked his head back in order to stare directly into Pa’s eyes, and then he began to get his thoughts out with a bit of a nervous stutter, “I’m sorry – sorry I got angry with you—you wuz doing what was best for Beauty.  I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you for getting her out of pain.   I’m sorry for not doing what you told me – and I’m sorry for grabbing your arm — and almost causing you to shoot me.  And –,” Joe paused struggling to get his meaning out so Pa would understand.

Ben placed a hand onto his son’s shoulder and nodded over to the boy.  “And?”

“And – Pa – what you said – what you said about my heart.  Pa – my heart is too full of sorrow — oh, Pa!”  Joe launched himself into his father’s arms.  Ben swept the boy up and held him tightly to his chest.  He heard Little Joe’s cries and felt the sobs which shook his son’s entire body.

“Get the sorrow out, Joseph, it will help,” Pa whispered to the boy as he held him in his arms and allowed him to grieve for the horse and all that had transpired that day.  Ben softly combed his fingers through the thick curls on his boy’s head and pulled the blanket up to cover Joe’s shoulders which still shook with his sobs.  He closed his eyes as he listened to his son crying and prayed that his little boy’s heart would empty all the sorrow out.  “It’s okay for a heart to cry out, Son.  If your heart cries out tonight – tomorrow it will have a chance to fill back up with nothing but love,” Pa softly called down to the boy trying to soothe his son with his words of encouragement and in his tone of voice.  This time it had worked.

Joe never spoke another word that night but stayed there held securely in the loving arms of his pa.   By the morning’s light Little Joe felt better than he had the night before and would soon grow to accept the loss of his horse due to the wise words his father had offered him.

********************

Joe bent down and retrieved his Colt revolver from where he had dropped it after he had put Midnight down a few moments earlier.  He holstered it and then turned back to his father.

“Pa – I’m still so sorry that I put you through all of that five years ago.  I know I was only twelve – but it still wasn’t right.   Now that I know firsthand what a tough thing it was for you to have done – well – it just makes me feel even worse because of the way I acted back then.”

Ben smiled over at his son and responded, “No-one ever promised me that being a father was going to be an easy job.”

Joe nodded and was about to say something in response when his eyes fell back on the horse that he had just put down.  An intense feeling of sadness gripped his heart at that moment.

Realizing that he had held it in long enough, Joe allowed the tears to fall from his eyes. And as they trailed down his cheeks, he noticed Pa nodding his way as if he were granting him permission to get it all out.  It was then that the shared remembrance of how his father had helped him through the death of Beauty sent an almost imperceptible hint of a smile down onto Joe’s lips over having cried over the death of Midnight.

“I guess – I guess my heart just got a little too full of sorrow today, Pa,” He admitted as he swiped away the tears on his shirtsleeve.

Ben hugged his son to his chest and whispered to him, “Nothing’s wrong with that, Joseph.  Nothing at all.”

Both father and son walked out of the corral together and made it over to their horses.

“I’ll have some of the hands tend to Midnight,” Pa whispered as he watched Joe looking over to where the horse still lay.

“Thanks, Pa,” Joe replied somberly and then untied his reins.  He stared over at Cochise, who had been fated to be Joe Cartwright’s first horse, and took a minute to lovingly rub her muzzle and then looked back over at his father.  Little Joe nodded over at Pa to let him know that he was going to be okay.

With a slight tilt to his head, Ben glanced over at Joe as he vaulted up onto the pinto’s back.  Pa couldn’t have hidden the pride that he felt towards the boy if his life had depended on it at the time.  With a satisfied smile turning up the corners of his mouth he said, “Let’s go home, Joseph.”

The End

By:  Wrangler

9-17-2025

(Dedicated to the story consultant who gave me a lot of support in this one, sometimes the shorter stories are the hardest so thanks Rob!)