Summary: Lorne Greene gets more than expected when Michael Landon suffers a break from reality and thinks he’s Little Joe while they are rehearsing up at Eagle’s Nest.  Later, rallying the rest of the cast, everyone placates Little Joe hoping to snap Mike out of it. Inspired by “Between Heaven and Earth”. Rating T, WC 14,758

In Between Heaven and Earth

David Dortort, the creator and producer of the Bonanza television series, had recently discovered that he had a fear of heights.  To be more accurate, that weekend he had learned that it was called acrophobia.  Once he returned to Paramount Studios the following week, he went on to tell the cast members what he had discovered about himself while on a hike in the mountains with his son.  Michael Landon’s ears perked up and for an hour or so he listened but didn’t comment.  He had his own secret and didn’t know if he should share it or not.  Finally, before calling it quits for the day, he sought out David and confessed that he too was afraid of heights.  He had explained that he could only tolerate the height of two stories, which came in handy because more than once in the five plus years of the show he had launched himself down from the hayloft in the barn.  He and David compared their experiences and Michael felt better for having shared their mutual fear.  That turned out to be a mistake in the long run.  David knew the young man well and Michael wasn’t the kind of person who could turn his back on a challenge especially one that was offered up as a dare.  David got on the phone with a few writers that he knew and decided that it was time to write a Bonanza episode where the youngest son, Little Joe, would realize that he was afraid of heights and must learn how to overcome it.  Ed Adamson ultimately penned the episode which was titled, “Between Heaven and Earth” and David presented it to Michael Landon.  The filming would begin right away, and to Michael’s chagrin, it would be a very emotionally charged episode.  There were rumors around the set that Mike really wasn’t thrilled about going up to the range known as the Vasquez Rocks in California, about forty miles north of the studio.

That’s the part that is well known to anyone who is familiar with the show.  But what happened behind the scenes was a bizarre event which stayed out of the public eye until now.

The third day of shooting was over, and Michael Landon looked around the studio for his friend and co-worker, Lorne Greene.  He hadn’t seen the man since they had shot a couple of scenes in the mockup of the inside of the Ponderosa Ranch house.  The watchman pointed to the door when he had asked if the man had seen Lorne, so Mike jogged out into the parking lot.

“Lorne!” Mike sang out when he saw the man about to get into his bright red Austin-Healey.  “Hey – hold up a minute, will you?”

Lorne turned around and watched the young man’s approach.  He smiled as he leaned against his car and waited.

“What’s up, Michael?  Haven’t you had enough of your “old pa” for the day?”

Smiling, Mike shook his head.  “Never, Pa,” He quipped.  “I was just wondering if you’re busy tomorrow?”

“No – not really.  Nancy is visiting her mother, so I was just going to lounge around the house.  Why?”

“I – well – I was wondering if you could help me with something?” He asked nervously.

Lorne folded his arms across his chest and for just a moment it looked as though he was getting into character as Ben Cartwright.

“Is this real, Michael, or are you planning on pulling some kind of an outrageous prank on me again?”  He glared suspiciously at the young man.

“Me?” Mike’s voice came out high-pierced as he feigned innocence.

“Yes, YOU!” Lorne nodded.  “You know I had one heck of a time getting that elephant out of my pool after you and Dan pulled that stunt!  By the way, both of you are going to pay for the cleaning service once I get their bill!”

Michael grinned mischievously and patted Lorne’s arm.  “It was worth it.  I’ll never forget the look on your face, Lorne, it was priceless!”  He then broke out with his quirky laughter which forced his friend to fight off a smile.

“Thank your lucky stars that I’m not really your father, Michael, because you wouldn’t be smiling right now if I was,” Lorne announced sternly.  He had to admit it had been a very funny stunt that his co-workers had pulled on him.  But he wasn’t happy about the mess that the elephant had made.

“Yes, Sir,” Mike responded going into his best “Little Joe” imitation.

“Okay, what do you need my help with?”

Michael suddenly looked a bit nervous as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other.  “I – well I’m having some trouble with the new script.  I was hoping that if you wouldn’t mind – well can I drop by for a little while tomorrow?”

Lorne pursed his lips as he studied his friend’s face.  “Oh – the Eagle’s Nest thing – it’s got you a bit frazzled, huh?”

He frowned when he realized that having worked together for over five years, Lorne had honed the ability to read him very well.

“Yeah,” Mike nodded.   “And – well – since it’ll be just the two of us up there on that mountain – I just thought that maybe if we walked through those lines without anyone else listening that it might help.”

Lorne smiled and patted Mike’s shoulder and replied, “No problem.  Come to my house around noon and we’ll have some lunch and then walk through those scenes.”

“Thanks a lot, Lorne,” Michael grinned.

“That’s what a pa is for, Son,” He chuckled.  “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you, Lorne – or Pa – or whoever you happen to be right now,” he laughed and waved to the man as he pulled away from the studio.

The maid waved Michael inside Lorne’s house the next day and he was ushered to the den.  Lorne stood and walked over to his friend and shook his outstretched hand.

“Come on in and sit down.  Jean has made us some lunch and then we can rehearse.”

Mike sat down opposite Lorne and drew in a deep breath.  He had another favor to ask the man and was a bit hesitant.

“Okay, spill it, Michael.  I can tell that you’re nervous – which is just not like you.”

Shrugging his shoulders helplessly, Mike finally stared into Lorne’s eyes and replied, “Lorne – well — I know this is asking a lot — but I was wondering,” he paused.

“Yes, I know – you want to go up there and look at it, right?” Lorne stared into the young man’s eyes.  He had already guessed.

“Yeah – how did you know?”

Lorne chuckled and patted Mike’s arm to get him to relax.  “Because I’ve read the darn script, Michael.  It’s a hard one – and you’ve got some tough scenes to do.”

“I know I can usually get into the whole emotional Little Joe stuff—but this time I’ll be up on top of that mountain.  I’m worried that I’ll be a bit distracted, you know?”

“I’m not too thrilled to be doing any of that climbing— no less in my boots!  Sure, we’ll go up there.  It’s a little over an hour’s drive from here so we’ll leave as soon as we eat.  Now come on, let’s get you fed,” Lorne announced and tugged on his friend’s arm.

“Thanks, Lorne!” Mike smiled as they walked into the dining room.

The two men climbed into Lorne’s Austin Healy and headed north to the Vasquez Rocks.  Lorne had wondered why, right before they had left, Mike had gone out to his car and retrieved a duffle bag.  Then he asked if he could change his clothes.  Lorne offered him one of the guest rooms and, when Michael reappeared, he was wearing the outfit that he wore on the set as Little Joe Cartwright.  Lorne was keenly aware that actors were known for their idiosyncrasies, so he hadn’t said a word about it.  Throughout the drive they talked about their families and sports, and it wasn’t until the mountain range appeared that the topic of conversation turned to the actual episode that they would be filming on Tuesday.  Michael began his rant over how he felt about the script itself.

“I just don’t get the motivation behind this plot, Lorne.  I mean why doesn’t Little Joe just buy a new rifle and scuff it up a bit and then tell Pa that he got it down from the mountain?  I also don’t understand why Joe fought with Pa there at the corral,” he complained.

“Well, I suppose if Little Joe bought a new rifle and scuffed it up and then used it to pull a fast one on his pa that we wouldn’t have an episode to shoot now, Mike.  And, yes, that scene we shot with the scuffle out at the corral was a bit intense, wasn’t it?” Lorne grinned.

“It sure was!  You know, Lorne, you held onto my arms so tightly while we were fighting out at that corral that I’ve got bruises on them now!  Geez, I hope I never really make you mad at me!”

Lorne laughed and replied, “Well, that’s what you get for backtalking your pa,” he quipped.  “You did alright but don’t push me or you’ll find out that I’m a bit spryer than I look!”

“No – seriously I’ve got issues with that scene.  I didn’t like Little Joe pushing his father around like that.  I don’t think Ed understands the whole Pa Joe thing.  Little Joe would die for his pa he’d never get into that type of altercation with him.  And I think that Pa should’ve clocked Little Joe good when he got home that night.  That would’ve been more honest than the asinine way that his father just let him act up after breaking that horse.”

“Well, Little Joe didn’t exactly break that horse.  He broke the railing to the corral yes, but the horse not so much!” Lorne nodded as he grinned over at his friend.  “I don’t think they’re ever going to let Pa clock Little Joe, Mike, even if he does get a bit out of control at times.  He’s got a bad temper.   But I do agree with you about the whole Pa Joe thing. The two of them have a very special relationship.  I guess it was to show how crazy your character had gotten due to him being afraid of heights.  Ben let him get away with it I guess because he’s supposed to be the favorite son, you know?  Of course, that is if Ben had a favorite,” he added diplomatically.

“Yeah, I know but I just don’t get it.  If I was Pa, I’d choose Hoss as my favorite.  He’s not moody like Adam and he’s not needy like Little Joe.  He’s always mellow.”   Mike’s attention was drawn away when they pulled up in the parking lot.  “Hey look!” Mike pointed towards the mountain.  “Oh, geez, there’s kids climbing up there, Lorne!  I’m not getting out of this car until they’re gone.  Look how high they are.  Parents shouldn’t let their children climb up there!”

“Michael, those aren’t kids.  They’re full-grown men,” Lorne squinted to the top of the rocks.  “They just look small because they’re pretty high up there.”

“Geesh why do people climb up to the top?  I don’t get it.”

Clearing his throat, Lorne attempted to steer the conversation back to the script.  He wasn’t exactly thrilled over Mike’s wanting to climb up the mountain to rehearse nor was he happy that he would be going back up there on Tuesday when the filming began.

“Mike, what were you saying about the script?”

“The whole thing isn’t realistic.  I don’t like that line that was in the night scene that we filmed yesterday.”

“Which line?”

“You know!” Mike insisted, lifting his left hand in gesture.

Chuckling, Lorne responded, “Oh – the I’m a big boy now, Pa, one?”

“Yeah, it made me look stupid.”

“I understand but you’ve got to look at the big picture in all of this, Mike.”

“What big picture?  The studio is trying to get me killed!  Hey – you haven’t seen Guy Williams lurking around the set, have you?” He asked warily.

“Geez you’re getting awfully insecure here lately, Mike,” Lorne remarked, staring into the troubled eyes of his friend.

“With good reason!” Mike exclaimed brusquely.  “The show doesn’t need two swordsmen you know, Lorne?”

Staring at the young man, Lorne fought back a grin as he replied, “Mike – do you really consider yourself to be a swordsman?  Maybe an umbrella man might be a better term?”

A pained appearance on his face, Mike answered, “C’mon, Lorne, you promised never to mention my using an umbrella to fence with from the pilot episode.  I still won’t touch one even when it rains!”

Lorne opened the driver’s side door and stepped out of the car.  “Those “kids” as you called them are driving off now.  Let’s go up and do a run through our lines.”

Mike stared up at the mountain and tried not to show the increasing fear on his face.  It took almost thirty minutes, but they made it two-thirds of the way and sat down.  Lorne and Michael went over some of their lines and then took a short break.  Michael continually stared down to the parking lot, which seemed very far away from his vantage point.  He began to sweat profusely due to his fear of heights.

Lorne reached over and grabbed his friend’s arm trying to get him to focus.

“Okay, let’s try this again.  This is where I say, “when you were five years old, just a little kid you ran off one day –” He was cut off in midsentence by the young man.

“Hold it!” Mike broke in.  “You’re telling me that Little Joe ran away when he was only five?  Geesh no wonder he always has emotional issues.”

“Michael, that’s beside the point.”

“No, it’s not if you’re Little Joe!” Mike insisted.

Lorne cleared his throat and hoped to offer his next words as delicately as he could.  “Michael, did you talk to that psychologist that the studio hired like David asked you to do?”

“I don’t trust Doctor Wallace.  I’ve heard things about him,” he said flatly.

“But it might help you, Mike.  You know here lately you’ve been getting too close to your counterpart Little Joe.  I’ve found you quite a few times in the guest room at my house.  Of course, I don’t mind – but you’ve scared Nancy a time or two.  And I don’t know why you’re dressed in that Little Joe outfit of yours.  This isn’t a dress rehearsal.”

“I just thought that I’d see if I’m gonna sweat a lot when we film those scenes Tuesday.  That’s all there was to it.”

“Come on, Michael, I’ve watched you leave the studio on many occasions wearing your getup.  Are you sure that you’re okay?”

“Sure, Pa,” he nodded.

Lorne examined his friend’s face and his worry increased.  “You don’t really have to call me “Pa” right now.  Don’t get me wrong – I don’t mind.  It’s just – well –frankly it worries me a little.”

“I’m okay.  So, let’s get back to it.  Why did I run away when I was five, Pa?” he asked.

Lorne’s eyes grew bigger as he began to worry that Mike might really be having a break from reality.  He cleared his throat before responding.  “Well, the script never exactly said why you – that is – why Little Joe ran off.”

“It was probably because of Adam,” He announced flatly.  “You know, Pa, he’s always picking on me and trying to make me look foolish.  If it wasn’t for Hoss, I don’t know what I’d do.  He’s the best brother that I have.”

“Ah – Mike?  None of what you just said is in our script.”

“Pa?  How long did it take you to find me?”

“What?” Lorne asked confounded by the question.

“When I ran away – how long was it before you found me?”

Lorne dropped his hand down onto Mike’s arm and replied, “Michael, it’s nowhere in the script so I can’t say.”

Michael’s face was the picture of confusion.  He replied, “Why would I go up to a mountain anyway?  Pa, you do know that I’m afraid of heights, right?  I get the shakes even up in our hayloft.”

Lorne closed his eyes and tried to determine if he should simply drive back to Los Angeles and perhaps get his friend some help.  “Yes, Joseph, I’m aware of that,” he placated the young man.  “That’s why I’m up here with you – Son.”

“It sure is a long way down from here, Pa,” he said looking over the edge and then clinging to a nearby rock.

“There’s nothing to worry about, Michael — I mean Joseph.”

“Pa – I ran off one day.  I remember it now.  It took me all day to get here.  And I waited for you, but you never showed up.  I was alone and scared.”

Lorne drew in a deep breath.  He knew that he was really in a fix now.  Michael was acting strangely and the two of them were up far too high for anyone to spot the problem and offer any help.  He hoped that his training as an actor would assist him in keeping his friend calm.  He knew that he would have to play his best Pa scene in real life this time.  He didn’t want Michael to fall apart and maybe fall off the side of the mountain.  “I did find you, Son.  It just took me awhile to figure out where you’d run off to.”

“But I was only five years old – just a little kid,” Mike protested as he recited Lorne’s lines from the script.

Lorne shook his head in disbelief.  He now wished that it had been Dan Blocker’s character who had acrophobia.  At least Hoss wouldn’t have heaped on the guilt like he was getting from a very confused Michael/Little Joe combo who sat there staring over at him.  Reaching over, he patted the young man’s arm and said, “It’s all going to be just fine, Joseph.”

“Pa – that old Mitch – he’s been snitching on me for years.  Why did he have to tell you that I was chicken anyway?”

“Joseph, he didn’t say that,” Lorne had to play along due to the circumstances.

“Yes, he did!  That’s why I was so mad today out at the breaking corral.  Are you still mad at me, Pa, for breaking the fence with my leg when the horse and I sort of fell over against it?”

“No – it wasn’t you who broke it.  It was that stuntman,” Lorne remarked before he could catch himself.

“The who, Pa?” Mike asked bewildered.

Shaking himself out from his musings, Lorne replied, “I was just saying that was quite a stunt, Young Man.  But, no I wasn’t mad at you.”  *** It’s getting harder for me to keep up with my centuries.  Come on, Lorne, remember that Mike is no longer here and I’ve got Little Joe on my hands.  That means it’s eighteen hundred and sixty something! *** He sighed to himself.

“Well, you sure seemed mad to me!” Michael exclaimed.  “I’ve got bruises on my arms from the way you grabbed me out there, Pa.” He said and rubbed at his right arm.

Lorne sighed and shook his head.  ***More guilt – like I need more after that story he just told me about Little Joe at five years old standing out here all alone waiting for me to find him! *** He groaned.

“I’m sorry you have bruises, Son.  But getting back to what we were talking about – Mitch didn’t call you chicken.”

“Oh yeah, he did!  I saw the two of you standing there at the corral as I was leaving.  I knew that you were talking about me leaving my rifle up here.  Let’s face it, you’d never have known about the rifle if Mitch hadn’t opened his big fat mouth!  But that’s okay — I got him good by beating him at arm wrestling,” he smiled.

*** Oh brother! Lorne thought to himself.  I forgot that Little Joe turned his horse around and got a good look at me and Mitch.  Now what do I say? *** Clearing his throat, he hoped that he could jolt his friend back to reality.  “Mike, we haven’t shot that scene in the saloon yet.”   He tried to bring his friend around gently by reminding him about the filming schedule.

“Huh, Pa?” he questioned very confused.

“Oh, never mind, SON,” Lorne gave up trying to snap Michael out of his confusion realizing that he had apparently slipped a cog.  “Joseph, I know you and Mitch will patch things up eventually.”

“No, Sir – not if he’s gonna sneak around behind my back.  You know,” he paused and looked up at the very top of the mountain where there was a split in the rock.  In his mind he saw the rifle wedged tightly up there.  “I should have just paid that skunk to bring my rifle to me that day, Pa.  That way I wouldn’t have to climb all the way up there.” Mike stared down at the bottom of the mountain once again and he began to get dizzy.  “That sure is a long way down,” he repeated.  He continued to look over the edge grimacing in fear.

“Joseph – son – please stop looking down,” Lorne insisted and grabbed Mike’s arm to pull him away from the edge.  The last thing he needed was to lose Michael Landon and have to explain to everyone that he had thought that he was Little Joe Cartwright before plummeting to his death.  “Joseph – it’s time we head back.  You know Hop Sing gets mad if we’re late for supper.”

“But Pa?”

“What Son?”

“Well, I’m scared to climb down from here.” He confessed sadly and turned his eyes on the other man.

***Oh no! *** Lorne thought fast.  He decided to use some of his lines from the script.  “There’s nothing to be afraid of.  You know man has his little fears –” He was cut off by Mike.

“Pa, did you carry me down in your arms when you found me up here when I was five years old – just a little kid?”

Lorne nodded.  He presumed that Michael had taken the time to memorize both of their lines from the script.  “Why yes, Joseph, in fact I did.”

“Gee, Pa, I wish you could carry me now,” Mike paused and looked over the side of the mountain once again.

“Well, Joseph, I don’t think that I can manage that.”

Michael stared at Lorne pensively and responded, “Pa – remember when I fell off Cochise because there was a rut in the front yard?  You carried me into the house all by yourself after sending Hoss for the doctor.”

Lorne closed his eyes and quickly thought up a response.  “Son, the front yard isn’t on an incline like Eagle’s Nest is.  I don’t think it would be safe to try to carry you because we might both go over the edge.”  He watched as Michael’s face grew pale.

“I know, Pa, because I’m not five years old anymore!”

Lorne sighed and mused to himself.  *** Well, he got that line right – I guess the entire day wasn’t a complete waste! *** He was very relieved to hear that he wouldn’t have to lug Mike down the mountain.  “Why that’s right, Joseph.  So, let’s both take this slow and easy as we make our way down.  I’ll go first in case you need any help.”

“I can’t, Pa!”

***Oh no I was afraid this would happen next!! *** Lorne groaned.  Unfortunately, Michael had learned his lines a bit too well.

Michael/Little Joe began to cry, consumed by his fear of falling from the mountain.  Both the actor and his counterpart apparently had acrophobia.

“Do you know how many times I’ve come back to this mountain just to get my rifle?  How many times I’ve stood in front of it and cried – because I’m afraid and I just don’t know why!”

*** Oh Lord what am I gonna do now?  I’ve already used the “when you were just five years old” line”.   Guess I’m going to have to do an impromptu rewrite.  David, you and your big ideas about making this kid challenge his fears!  I don’t see you up here dealing with this basket case! *** Lorne shook his head as he looked over at his friend.

“Joseph, listen to me — listen to me good.  I’m going to pay someone to go and get that rifle for you.  You don’t have to worry about it either.  I’ll make sure it’s someone we both trust who won’t say anything about it,” He offered hopefully.  *** That’s what Pa should’ve told Little Joe anyway!  I think Michael was right – this script isn’t realistic.  The Cartwrights had money – why worry about the cost of one stupid rifle? *** He mused.

Michael pulled himself off the face of the mountain and stared over at Lorne.  Wiping his tears off on his shirtsleeve he replied, “It can’t be Adam, Pa.”

“No, Son – I won’t let Adam hear anything about it – he’s not in this episode anyhow –” Lorne was cut off in midsentence.

“Huh, Pa?”

“Oh – I was just saying that your brother Adam is up tending the herd right now,” he quickly covered his faux pas.

“What about Hoss?  He likes me best – you think he’d do it for me?”

Lorne smiled and nodded, “Sure – that’s a great idea.  I’ll have Hoss come back here tomorrow and get the rifle down and there won’t be another word ever said about it.”

Michael thought for a minute and then shook his head.  “I don’t know, Pa.  You know I almost killed us both racing that wagon up here at Eagle’s Nest and today when he found me up here, I almost bit his head off.  I think Hoss is mad at me for doing that,” he insisted.

Lorne let out a frustrated sigh.  Now Mike was reciting Dan Blocker’s lines from the script.  He wondered if they would get down before nightfall.  “No, Joseph.  I had a long talk with your brother and he’s not mad at you anymore.  In fact, he offered to go fetch that rifle.”

“He did?”

“Sure, he did.  Now didn’t you tell me just a little while ago that he was your favorite brother?”

Mike nodded and finally drew in a deep breath to calm himself.  “Okay, Pa – that will work.  But make sure he doesn’t tell Adam anything about it!”

“He won’t say a word,” Lorne assured his friend.  “Now that we got the rifle issue settled how about the two of us climb down from here?”

“Okay, Pa,” Mike paused as he tried to loosen his grip on the nearby rock.  “But, Pa,” He paused and looked down to the bottom of the mountain before continuing.  “Can I keep my eyes closed?”

Lorne stared down at the steep drop and grimaced.  “Yes, Joseph, that’s probably a very good idea.  Okay, let’s start down now.  And remember take it real slow and easy I’ll be right down here below you.”  *** Stupid script!  I can’t get my lines out of my head!  Now I know why Ben Cartwright hit up that brandy every night! *** “Before you know it, we’ll be sitting in the buckboard.  It only took us about thirty minutes to get up here, so it shouldn’t take much more than that to get down.”

“Okay, Pa.  I’m closing my eyes now.  So let me know when I hit the bottom.”

“Oh, I will, Joseph.  You can count on it,” he replied drawing in a deep breath.  He said a silent prayer as they began to inch their way down the mountain.

Lorne had been far too optimistic about the length of time that it would take the two of them to descend from their perch two-thirds the way up the mountain.  A full two hours later they stood in the parking lot.  Lorne was exhausted both physically and emotionally and Mike/Little Joe was soaked in perspiration due to his fear.

“Pa?  Where’s the buckboard?”

“Oh – well – this is the buckboard,” Lorne explained as he touched his car door.  “The horses are right under that hood,” He announced and pointed to the front of the car.

“How did they fit under there, Pa?” Mike questioned bewildered by what his friend had said.

“Don’t think about it, Joseph – just get in,” Lorne sighed wearily as he opened the car door for the young man and helped him get inside.  He then walked around and got in on the driver’s side and turned the key in the ignition.  “I’ve got to stop and make a phone call on our way out of here.”

“A what, Pa?”  Mike asked confused.

“Oh – sorry – I meant I need to send a telegram, Son.”

“Can we stop at the mercantile?  I’m really thirsty, Pa.”

“Sure, Boy, there’s a seven-eleven just down the road.  I can send that wire from there too.”
“A seven what, Pa?  Has Mister Keller sold the mercantile?”

Lorne groaned and shook his head.  “No, Joseph, it’s his competition.  Now why don’t you just ease back in your seat but buckle up first.”

“I am buckled up, Pa,” He insisted looking down at the belt to his pants.

“No, Son – that’s – well –never mind.  But if you see the police – I mean Sheriff Coffee pretend like you have it on,” Lorne instructed filled with dismay over what was going on over in the next seat.

“Yes, Sir,” Mike nodded obediently.

Ten miles down the road Lorne pulled into the convenience store.  He had an important call to make but first he ran inside and tried to find something he could bring to the poor confused young man in the car/buckboard.  He found some ginger ale which he thought would possibly taste like sarsaparilla.  Lorne paid for the drink and carried it outside to his television son who, evidently, was now, oddly enough, his real-life son for all intents and purposes.

“Now I want you to sit right there, Young Man, and drink that.  I’ll only be a minute!”

Mike smiled up at who he deemed to be his father and said, “Sure, Pa, I’ll sit right here.”

Lorne smiled at his friend and slowly walked to the telephone booth.  He knew that David Dortort wouldn’t be expecting what he had to say to him.  Somehow, he’d have to explain to the man that Michael Landon was inexplicably off his rocker.

If a passerby had heard the one-sided conversation from outside the phone booth, they would have wondered what in the world was going on.

“David, it’s Lorne.  No, it’s not about the Pernell issue.  Listen, we’ve got real troubles.  Michael and I were rehearsing and –well – he’s lost it.”

“What do you mean I’m pulling your leg?  Do you think that I’d call you on my day off to do that?”

“What happened?  I just told you.  We were rehearsing that whole Eagle’s Nest thing and suddenly Mike just stopped being himself.”

“I’m telling you that Michael has totally lost it.  That damn mountain climbing thing sent him over the edge!   No, not the edge of the mountain — but it was close!  I darn near lost him up at the Vasquez Rocks today!  What a heartless thing to do to him.”

“What do I mean?  You knew that the kid was terrified of heights, but you just had to dare him to do this script!  You know good and well that Michael has never been able to turn down a dare!”

“Oh yes, you did know about it!  You remember when some idiot dared him to get in the horse trough naked when we were filming Ponderosa Matador?”

“I thought you would!  We lost our best script girl over that one.”

“Yes, David, that’s exactly what I’m saying!  He wigged out and now he thinks that he’s Little Joe Cartwright and that I’m really his father!  Stop laughing – it’s not funny!  I don’t want to lose my wife once she finds out that Mike’s moving in with us and he doesn’t want a stepmother!”

“Yes, that’s what’s going on.  The kid is ten bricks shy of a load.  He’s taken the A train to looneyville.  His oars don’t touch the water.  So, mister producer, tell me what I’m supposed to do now!”

“No, it’s best we don’t tell his family right now.  They don’t need to see him like this.  And I don’t want to be the one to tell Little Joe that he’s married with kids either!”

“Stop congratulating me about finally having some grandchildren this is serious!”

“Where should I take him to get help?”

“Doctor Wallace?  Which hospital?”

“Okay but we can’t just dump him off with perfect strangers.”

“What?  David, he is like a son to me!  I care about him.”

“Are you insane too?  No, I’m not keeping him!  I’ll visit him and even push aside his curls but just not at my house.”

“Hey, I know how to solve this.  Can you get Harry Holcombe to meet us?  I think we need Doctor Martin in on this now.  Mike – I mean Joseph trusts him.”

“That’s not funny, David.  Do you know how hard it’s been to talk to both of them today and worrying that they’re going to take a nosedive off those blasted rocks?”

“Okay, here’s what you need to do.  Just give Harry a lab coat and have him and Doctor Wallace meet us in the emergency room.  Oh, tell Harry that Wallace is supposed to be his cousin from back east.”

“What do you mean Wallace won’t go for that?   Well, you can tell him that Mike – I mean Joseph only trusts relatives from back east.  Hey — listen I’ve got to go.  He’s looking around the seven-eleven for an outhouse.  I’ve got to hang up before he gets a public indecency citation.”

“Okay, I’ll call you from the hospital.  Goodbye.”

“Oh, Joseph!” he sang out and hurried towards the front door of the convenience store.  “This way, Boy!  The outhouse is inside here!”

Lorne had to do some quick thinking when he and Mike arrived at the hospital.  He convinced his friend that he had been running a fever and needed to be checked over.  Harry Holcombe had been advised by David that Michael apparently had some kind of a mental breakdown and thought that he was Little Joe Cartwright.  As a skilled actor, Harry was very believable as he introduced Doctor Wallace to Mike and told him that it was his second cousin from back east.  They escorted Michael to a private room and after Doctor Wallace had asked him numerous questions he walked out into the hall to talk to both Lorne and Harry.

“I’d say that young man has some kind of dissociative disorder.  He’s very confused.  Right now I think it’s best that we all pretend that he really is Little Joe Cartwright.”

“Is it permanent?” Lorne asked worriedly, now very concerned about his dear friend.

“Too soon to tell, Lorne,” the doctor replied.

“What do you think, Paul?” Lorne asked the veteran actor.

Harry laughed and patted the man’s arm.  “Lorne – I’m not a doctor remember?  I just play one on tv.”

Lorne groaned and shook his head.  “Oh, Lord – maybe we’d better get a room with two beds!”

“It’s okay, you’ve just had a long day.  I know it must’ve been awful sitting on top of that mountain with Mike,” Harry reassured the other man.

“Well, I wasn’t up there with Mike long.  I spent the better part of the afternoon with Little Joe.  He wanted to know why he ran away at the age of five and I had no idea what to tell him.”

“You did a good job, Lorne,” Wallace nodded over to the man.  “You kept Michael safe and got him to where he’ll be able to get the help that he needs.”

A nurse came down the hall and stopped in front of the three men.  Holding forms in her hands, she looked over at Lorne.

“Excuse me, I just need you to sign these as next of kin,” she said and handed Lorne the forms to sign.

Staring down at numerous pieces of paper including a do not resuscitate order, Lorne winced his face.  “Miss – I’m not really his next of kin.”

“You’re not?” she asked confused.  For some strange reason she automatically assumed that he was.  “Oh – now I know!  You’re Ben Cartwright!” She exclaimed.

“Hold it down,” Lorne insisted.  “That young man in there thinks that I am – but I’m not!”

“But I could have sworn that you were,” she said shaking her head.

Lorne stared directly at Harry and returned, “Perhaps as Joseph’s doctor you could help us with this, Doctor Martin?”

Harry fought back as smile and took the papers out of Lorne’s hand.  “Sure, I can.  Miss let’s go down to the nurse’s station and get this all squared away.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” the woman nodded and then turned to walk down the hall with Harry at her side.

“This is going to be a problem, Doctor,” Lorne sighed.  “For Mike’s sake we don’t need people asking a lot of questions.  He’s got enough problems; the last thing he needs is bad publicity.”

“Yes, I know, Lorne.  Dan Blocker and I had a long talk the other day.  He was telling me that Michael had been worried about Guy Williams coming back to the show if Pernell leaves.  It seems like he’s a bit insecure about his job.  I’ll take care of things on my end.  Don’t worry.  No-one will find out about his condition.”

“In this town?” Lorne asked, raising his eyebrows.  “If anyone hears that Michael Landon has been hospitalized due to some kind of a mental breakdown it will be all over for him.”

Doctor Wallace smiled and pointed at the door.  “That’s why I had him admitted under the name Joseph Francis Cartwright,” he grinned slyly.

“You should take off that Francis part.  Mike hates it as much as Little Joe does.  But that’ll work.  Now – I can only stay for a few minutes.  Will he be alright about my leaving?”

Harry walked back and joined the other two men and answered, “Yes, Lorne.  It’s okay.  I told “Little Joe” that he can’t have many visitors because he has contracted a rare disease and might be contagious for a little while.  And besides that, Doctor Wallace is going to give him a sedative, right?”

“Yes, so why don’t you go in there for a minute, Lorne, to say goodnight.  Then I’ll bring the nurse in to give him a shot of valium.  Before he knows it, he’ll be sleeping like a baby.”

“Good,” Lorne nodded and turned for Mike’s room.  Drawing in a deep breath he went into his role as Ben Cartwright.

Dressed in a hospital gown and underneath several blankets, Michael watched as Lorne came into the room.

“Hello, Son.  How are you feeling?” he asked as he settled down in the chair next to Mike’s bed.

Michael pulled the sheet up to his nose and replied, “Better not get too close, Pa!  Doc says I’m contagious.  I don’t want you to get whatever I’ve got.”

Lorne fought back a smile and reached over to stroke his friend’s arm, hoping to calm him.  *** I’ve done this enough times on the show, it was only a matter of time before it happened in real life. *** Lorne mused.  “Oh, I’m not going to catch anything, Joseph.  As a matter of fact, I think I’ve had what you have before so I can’t catch it again.”

“Doc says it’s a rare disease.  Did you get it back when you were a clipper captain, Pa?”

Lorne closed his eyes and tried his best to come up with a good answer to Mike’s question.  “Why yes, Son, I believe that’s when I had it.”

“Then you can stay here in the hospital with me, Pa?” He asked hopefully.  He wasn’t thrilled to be away from the ranch and his own bed.

*** Way to go, Lorne, you walked into that one!  Now to walk myself back out. *** he thought to himself.  “Well, Joseph, I can’t stay here tonight.  Remember I just said that I “think” I’ve had what you have.  But to be sure that I have Doc Martin is going to run some tests first.  I just wanted to say goodnight before I have to go back to the ranch.”

Mike’s face took on a frightful expression.  “Why can’t I go back home?  I can just stay up in my room.  I don’t want to be here, Pa.”

Drawing in a deep breath, Lorne had to act fast.  He knew that Little Joe could cry without much provocation and if that happened, he’d never be able to leave the room.  Lorne did what would have been in all the Pa/Joe scenes over the last five and a half years.  Tenderly he pushed aside the young man’s bangs.

“Now, Son, you won’t be here long.  I bet only a couple of days.  I’ll be back to see you tomorrow don’t worry.”

Just then Harry and Doctor Wallace walked into the room with a nurse.  She was holding a syringe with a healthy dose of valium inside of it.

“What’s that, Pa?” Mike asked fearfully.

“It’s just some medicine that’ll help with your fever.  Right, Doc?”

Both Harry and Doctor Wallace nodded.

“Pa?” Mike said and motioned for Lorne to come closer.

“What is it, Joseph?” Lorne asked, drawing nearer to his friend.

“I don’t like needles – remember?”

Lorne turned and waved Harry over to intervene.  “Tell Joseph that it won’t hurt, Doc, will you?”

“It won’t hurt, Little Joe,” Harry reassured smiling down at Mike.

Before Mike could reply, the nurse had already injected his arm with the medicine.

“There now, Son.  That didn’t hurt, now, did it?”

Mike smiled and shook his head.  “No, Pa.”

“You just close those eyes and before long you’ll be feeling better, Joseph,” Lorne said and patted his friend’s arm.

“Lorne?”

“Yes, Doctor Wallace?” he asked, turning around in his chair.

“You can stop talking to Michael now.  He’s sound asleep.”

Lorne turned back toward the bed and Mike was lying there fast asleep with a smile on his lips.

“I don’t know what you just gave him, but I’d like one too!  It’s been a rough day!”

“Just go get some rest, Lorne.  I’ll keep a good eye on him.”

Lorne stood and stared down at Mike, feeling almost like a father to the young man lying there.

“You can fix him, right?”

“Sure – it’ll just take some time to figure out how to jolt him back to reality,” the doctor nodded.

“You’re not going to use that shock stuff on him with the electricity, are you?” He asked with a great deal of concern.

Laughing, Doctor Wallace shook his head, “Lorne, that stuff went out of practice years ago.  These days we find it useful to talk to the patient.  You know –try to get their bottled-up emotions out.  Sometimes that kind of therapy brings on spells of crying but it’s useful to get a patient to come to terms with their emotional problems.”

“Doctor Wallace?”

“Yes?”

“Have you EVER watched a Bonanza episode?” Lorne asked staring at the man suspiciously.

“I’ve watched a few,” He remarked.  “Why?”

“That boy over there,” He paused and pointed to the bed.  “He doesn’t keep his emotions bottled-up!  In fact, he can cry at the drop of a hat.  The rest of us have to put drops in our eyes, or at the very least smell an onion before we do a scene involving tears.  But not Mike!  It’s the oddest thing any of us have ever seen.  He can cry one minute and the next tell an outrageous joke.”

“I see,” Wallace nodded with a perplexed look on his face.  “Maybe it’s not Mike who is crying?  Maybe it’s Little Joe?”

Lorne sighed and shook his head, “You are confusing me.  I hope you’ll do better with the kid.  He’s like a son to me and I don’t want to see him like this.”

“It’ll be okay, Lorne,” Harry intervened.  He had done numerous episodes, so he was aware of the bond that existed between the two actors.

“I’ve got to go call David and tell him Mike’s room number,” Lorne sighed.

“I’ll do it.  Just go get some sleep.”

“Hey, it’s best that David doesn’t call Michael.  Joseph doesn’t understand what a telephone is – so perhaps it would be wise to take that phone out of here?”

“I’ll see to it, don’t worry,” Doctor Wallace patted the actor’s shoulder trying to alleviate the man’s mounting concern.

“Thank you,” Lorne said and shook Doctor Wallace’s hand.  “Harry, do you need a ride home?”

“No thanks, Lorne, I drove here.  Hey tell Dan and Pernell hi for me.  Pernell is still on the show, right?”

Lorne frowned and nodded.  “He is for now, though he keeps telling everyone he’s leaving any day.”

“Maybe that ruse about Guy Williams joining the cast wasn’t such a good ploy on David’s part?”

Lorne glanced over at Michael and replied, “David makes some stupid decisions at times.  I hold him responsible for Michael’s breakdown.”

“Why do you say that?” Harry asked.

“Oh, he dared Mike to face his acrophobia!  The kid flipped out once we got up there.”

Harry chuckled and returned, “Oh yeah, Michael and his dares!  I remember when he dropped down into that horse trough butt naked after Dan dared him to do it!  Did the script girl really quit over that, Lorne?”

Lorne nodded, “Yeah, I think she’s working over on the Big Valley set at CBS now.”  He stared over at Doctor Wallace and said, “You will keep this conversation private, right?  I don’t need any issues with the producer right now.”

“Of course, Lorne.”

“Good.  Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” Lorne began to leave but his conscience got the better of him.  He walked back to the bed and pushed Mike’s bangs off his forehead.  Casting a timid glance over his shoulder, to make sure that the two men weren’t watching, he leaned down and planted a parting kiss on Michael/Little Joe’s forehead.  When Lorne turned around, he noticed both Harry and Doctor Wallace staring at him.  “Hey – he’s supposed to be my son!” Lorne complained and then hurried out of the hospital room.

Harry looked over at Wallace and whispered, “You might want to keep your eye on Lorne too, Doctor.”

“Yeah, I think I’d better.  Perhaps he’ll be the next one to go off the deep end?” he nodded as the two men watched Lorne walk out into the hall.

Michael endured intensive therapy for the next two weeks under Doctor Wallace’s care.  Lorne dropped by to see him almost every day, and always in the role of Ben Cartwright; dressed in his familiar garb.  David Dortort called a cast meeting on the first day of the third week since the Eagle’s Nest incident.  He had given everyone the prior two weeks off with pay while he spoke with the network executives and came up with a plan to continue shooting the series.

Gathered in the living room of the Ponderosa, the three cast members and the producer spoke about the situation and how they could keep filming Bonanza.

“No, Pernell we’re not calling it the day that Michael went insane!” David exclaimed, offering the actor an exasperated glare.  “We’re calling it the E.N.I.”

“Huh?” Dan Blocker asked as he settled down on the settee.

“That’s the Eagle’s Nest Incident,” Lorne sighed and sat down in the red leather chair.

“Oh, gotcha,” Dan nodded.

“I think the M.W.C. is a far better acronym,” Pernell said smiling.

“What’s that stand for?” Dan returned.

Pernell grinned over at Lorne and waited.  He knew that the man was processing the information and that it wouldn’t take long.

“Not funny, Pernell,” Lorne insisted angrily.

“Well, somebody tell me, will you?” Dan persisted.

Lorne shot Pernell a very displeasing glare and then looked at Dan.  “M.W.C. is Michael went crazy, that’s what he’s come up with, Dan!”

Pernell laughed heartily and watched as the other three men shook their heads at him.

“Pernell, I know you have your issues with the show but that’s not very kind and –”

Pernell cut the producer off and responded, “It’s like I’ve always said – staying on this show leads to insanity.  Mike is younger than all of us, so he was more susceptible, that’s why he went first.  That’s yet another reason why I’m leaving the show!”

The other three men all groaned in unison after hearing another threat by Pernell to quit the series.

“We know — we know,” Lorne began shaking his head.  “You don’t like saying the word “Pa” and you don’t like sharing the spotlight with your “brothers” or father for that matter.”

David cleared his throat, attempting to redirect the attention to the current problem.

“Doctor Wallace is going to be bringing Mike here soon and we need to go over what we’ll do once the two of them get here.”

“Hide the sharp implements?” Pernell suggested.

“Not funny, Pernell,” Dan countered starting to get annoyed with his fellow actor.  “Mike has had a bad time of it.  I stopped by the hospital and saw him last night.  I even brought the checkers with me.”

“Did he remember how to play?” Pernell was on a roll and having a good time at Mike’s expense.

“Yeah, he did – and even beat me two out of three games!”

“So could a chimpanzee, Dan,” Pernell laughed and ducked as the man tossed a throw pillow at him.  “Hey, I’m not trying to be mean about what Mike’s going through!”

“Really?” the other three men called out loudly.

“Really, I mean – he’s not a bad kid – a bit on the emotional side – but I don’t wish anything bad on him.”

“Then why do you keep telling Mike that you’ve seen Guy Williams around the soundstage?  You know how insecure he’s been!”  Lorne exclaimed.

“If I’m supposed to be playing his big brother it’s the least I can do, you know?  That’s what older brothers do – they pick on the youngest.”

“I don’t pick on him,” Dan growled.

“I know, Dan, and I personally appreciate that about you,” David nodded over to one of his favorite actors.

“I think you’re a bit too close to your character, Dan.  Better be careful that you don’t end up thinking that you’re Hoss,” Pernell interjected.

“Let’s just get back to why I called this meeting,” David insisted.  “Now we’ve got three scripts and we’re going to shoot all the scenes that Michael doesn’t appear in to keep the production schedule.”

“The scenes that the kid doesn’t appear in? That’s only about two scenes an episode, David.  Mike’s been hogging the limelight which is yet another reason I’m leaving. Guess we’re only going to have a couple of day’s work before we get shut down,” Pernell said sarcastically.

Dan turned to look at David ignoring Pernell’s outburst.  “What’ll we do if – God forbid – Mike never comes back?”

“I’ve been working on two different scenarios, Dan.  If Mike can’t come back, I’ll contact Guy Williams’ agent.”

“Oh Lord,” Lorne muttered shaking his head.  He knew that if Michael had heard that he would’ve gone even farther off the deep end.

Continuing, David said, “I’m pretty sure that he’ll want to return to the show.  And we can just say the marriage to Kathie Browne, Adam’s former fiancé, didn’t work out.”

“Yeah,” Pernell added.  “He’ll come back because he only left because Michael whined about Guy getting too much fan mail.  He always had to be the most popular star.  Not to mention that he’s Pa’s favorite!”

Lorne protested loudly, “Hey, Pernell, have a heart the kid is sick!”

Dan stared over at the producer and said, “David?  Who’s going to have to climb up that mountain now so we can finish the Eagle’s Nest thing?  Because I sure don’t want to do it.  I’m not afraid of heights but I just can’t see Pa talking Hoss down from there.”

David stared over at Pernell, a peculiar look on his face.

“Count me out!” Pernell insisted vehemently.  “Michael likes to cry and get all overly dramatic about his neurosis but that’s not what fans expect out of Adam!”

Lorne frowned and piped up, “It wasn’t such a bad script — however it’s no doubt what sent that poor kid over the edge.  I guess it’s a good thing that he fell apart before the cameras were rolling on the two of us.”

“Was Mike up there as Little Joe crying and moaning over how he’s had such a tough time dealing with situations that any normal person wouldn’t have fussed about, Lorne?  You know Mike – was he doing his typical over-acting?” Pernell smiled, trying to get the other man’s goat.

“Stop busting on the kid!  There’s nothing wrong with the way Mike really gets into his role,” Dan fired back.

“Oh, yeah,” Pernell paused for dramatic effect.  “He got into his role so well that he’s now Little Joe Cartwright permanently!”

David cleared his throat to bring the room back to order.  “Gentlemen, if you’ll allow me to continue,” He began, trying to put an end to the usual squabbles on the set.  “If Doctor Wallace can’t quite get Mike back to normal – but feels like he’s not a threat to anyone – then we’ll bring him back.”

“What are we going to do with him, David?”

“Dan, it will be easy.  Mike already thinks that he’s Little Joe, so we simply pretend he’s at home when he’s here.”

“But, David, there aren’t any bedrooms upstairs.  Where’s the kid going to sleep?” Lorne asked.

“Lorne, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something –” He was cut off in midsentence.

“Absolutely not!  Hey, you all know that I like the kid, and I feel sorry for him.  I’ve been visiting him almost every night since he had the E.N.I. Do you think that I like being Ben Cartwright after eight p.m. every night?  I don’t!  Random people come up to me at the hospital telling me their problems because they think that I’ve got all the answers like Ben does.  It grates on my nerves.  But I still offer them advice just so they won’t think that the Cartwrights are snobs.”

“But Lorne –,” David began but Lorne wasn’t done quite yet and jumped in.

“I take my Ben Cartwright wardrobe to the hospital with me and change into it so Mike – I mean Little Joe – will feel comfortable.  I’ve sat there night after night listening to all his problems — which aren’t real ones by the way!   But I pretend not to notice that he’s reliving every episode that we’ve shot since the pilot.  Just the night before last he went on and on about his brother Clay.  I had one heck of a time convincing him that the guy would bring his mother’s locket back some day!”

Pernell burst out laughing and it made Dan mad.  “Cut it out, Pernell, it’s not funny!” he yelled.

“Oh yeah, it is!  Hey, Lorne?  Did you stroke the kid’s arm and push back his bangs?”

Lorne frowned and grumbled, “He thinks that I’m his pa – it’s the least that I can do for the kid.”

David jumped back into the rowdy conversation.  “Lorne, we all know how close you are with Mike.  Perhaps you could just let him stay with you for a couple of weeks?”

“Michael has a family,” Lorne insisted.

“Well, technically yes – but he doesn’t know it.  As far as Mike knows the three of you are his family now.  Oh, by the way, I’ve sent his wife and kids on an extended trip to Europe.  The network’s paying for all the expenses.  I just told her that we have a lot of location shoots and Mike wouldn’t be around anyway.”

“And she bought that malarkey?” Pernell questioned incredulously.

David nervously coughed into his fist and replied, “You know I’m a pretty good actor myself!  She believed everything that I said.”

“Let’s just hope that Mike snaps out of it for everyone’s sake,” Dan tried to sound optimistic.

David nodded.  “I agree.  Now listen, Doctor Wallace will be here with Mike soon.  We’ll just see how it goes.  He needs the warmth of family right now.”

“I’m out of here!” Pernell fired back and stood from the blue winged back chair.

“Pernell, you’ll be compensated for your time,” David sighed.  He knew the man wasn’t much of a team player, so he had expected his comment.  “Now, just so we’re all on the same page before he gets here.  Nobody let Mike go upstairs!  And I need all three of you to remember that you are his family so get into character.”

Pernell shook his head and groaned.  “I’m glad that I’ll be leaving the show soon.”

“About that,” David paused as he moved across the room to stand next to the actor.  “The network is working on a new offer for you – so don’t do anything rash right now.”

“David, listen they can offer me a million dollars an episode, and it wouldn’t be enough.  Bonanza isn’t conducive to retaining a person’s sanity.  Just ask Michael – no wait – you can’t!  He’s now certifiably nuts. For the rest of his life, he’ll be Little Joe Cartwright and Lorne will be pushing curls off his forehead.  Good luck with that, Lorne.  But as for me — all the money in the world can’t buy you your health.”

Dan groaned as he pulled an apple from the bowl sitting on the coffee table.  “I’ll be Michael’s brother and you don’t have to pay me for it neither!”

“Spoken like a true brother,” Lorne smiled and patted Dan’s shoulder proudly.

Entering the set from the kitchen, Doctor Wallace and Michael Landon walked into the room.  Mike held three straw baskets in his hands and wore a big smile as he drew closer to his family members.

“Hello, David,” Doctor Wallace said and shook the man’s outstretched hand.

“Good to see you, Doctor – you know the Cartwrights, right?” David returned.

Wallace nodded and said, “Yes – of course.  Nice to see you all again.”

The three other men all nodded over at the doctor as they eyed what Mike was holding in his hands.

“Here, Adam,” Mike said and handed the man a basket.  “I made this for you.”

“Baskets from a basket case.  Oh brother!” Pernell muttered under his breath.

“Yes, Brother?” Mike asked, having caught only the last few words.

Pernell shot a quick glance around the room and noticed the warning look in everyone’s eyes.  “Oh – Little Joe – I was just saying what a good job you did with the basket.”

“Thanks,” Mike smiled.  “Hey, Adam, just let me know if you want another one, okay?”

“Sure, Kid,” He nodded and as soon as Mike turned to look at Dan, he held his right index finger to his temple and rotated it.  Lorne and David shook their heads at the obvious attempt Pernell had made to show what he thought about Mike’s state of mind.

“Adam, Doctor Martin’s cousin here went to school to be a doctor back east.  Maybe the two of you went to the same university?” Mike asked, turning back towards Little Joe’s oldest brother.

Pernell groaned loudly and was met by four pairs of eyes around the set all not happy with him.  “No, Kid, I went to a college that was further back east than the one he went to.  I have the diploma in my room upstairs. Do you want to go see it?” He retorted with a sly grin, knowing that if he were to take Michael upstairs, he would be very surprised over the fact that not only was there no diploma but there wasn’t a bedroom either.

Lorne jumped in quickly.  “Joseph – what do you have there?  More baskets?”

“Oh, yeah,” He answered and looked over at Hoss.  “Here you go,” Mike said as he handed his television brother a larger basket.  “Big Brother, I made yours bigger than Adam’s because you’re bigger than him!”

Dan held the basket in his hands and tried to think of something nice to say about the gift.  “Thanks, Little Brother – it’s – well — very big!”

Mike smiled proudly and walked over to Lorne.  “Here, Pa.  I made yours the best – because you are the best!”

“Always has to suck up to Pa,” Pernell sighed and watched the displeased looks around the room.

Lorne stared down at the basket in his hands and then back up at Mike.

“You like it don’t you, Pa?”

“Oh, of course I do, Joseph!” Lorne sang out enthusiastically only to see Pernell rolling his eyes in response.  “Why this is mighty fine craftsmanship, Son.”

“Glad you think so, Pa.  Hey – you never made it up to my room last night.  I was worried.  Is everything okay?”

Lorne paused and cast an uneasy glance around the room.  “Everything is just fine, Son.  I thought that I was coming down with a cold, so I thought it best that I didn’t go up to the hospital — I mean your bedroom.”

“Mike – sorry – Little Joe – all of us are going on a little ride today,” David broke in, trying to assist Lorne.

“Wait,” Mike said glaring at the man.  “Are you the new banker?  What happened to Mister Bristol?”

David looked over at Doctor Wallace and then back to Mike.  “Oh, Little Joe, I’m Mister Bristol’s cousin from back east.  You know – like your cousin Muley is from back east?  You can just call me David.”

“Oh,” Mike began, still staring at the man warily.  “Do you sing awful like cousin Muley does?”

“No – I just help out at the bank and sell things like scripts – I mean books.”

Mike looked back over to Lorne and asked, “Oh – hey, Pa?”

“Yes, Joseph?”

“Did we order books from Mister Bristol’s cousin?”

“Um – no – son, he just came by so we could take him out and show him some of our favorite places here on the Ponderosa.”

“Are we going to the overlook where my Ma is buried?  Because if we are, I’m going to need to stop along the way and pick some flowers first.”

Lorne looked around the set and noticed Pernell trying his best not to burst out laughing.  “No, Joseph, we chose another place.”

“Where are we going, Pa?”

Lorne stared over at both David and Doctor Wallace before replying.  Both men simply shrugged their shoulders leaving it all up to Little Joe’s father as to what to say.

“Mister Bristol’s cousin David wants to go and see Eagle’s Nest,” He answered and waited to see if Michael would take the news well or not.

Mike’s face went white with both fear and apprehension.  Lowering his voice, he moved closer to Lorne and replied, “Pa – I think I’d better go upstairs to my room and lay down for a little while.”

Lorne grabbed Michael’s arm before he could head up the stairs. He knew he’d have to prevent him from discovering that there were no bedrooms up there.

“No, Joseph – we need to get out to Eagle’s Nest right now,” Lorne insisted fervently.

“But – Pa –,” He began, trying to figure out how he could prevent anyone from finding out that he had left his rifle up on top of the mountain.

“What, Son?”

Mike signaled Lorne over to the front door.  He paused at the credenza and waited for Ben’s approach.  There was dead quiet on the set as the four other men all nervously stared back and forth at each other wondering if they would need to call for back-up.

“Joseph?  What is it?”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were up yet, Pa.  I was trying to get an early start.  I was going to leave you a note,” Mike began to run his lines from the script.

Oh no! *** Lorne thought to himself.  It’s been three weeks since I read that thing!  Now what was my reply in that scene? *** He tried to recall the line.  Finally, he remembered and replied, “Note saying what?”

“I was just going up to the rail head for a couple of days.”

Lorne cast another quick glance around the room and noticed that all eyes were focused on him.  He went back to the script.  “That’s saying where not why.”

Mike answered, “No special reason – just to help Adam.”

Lorne looked over to where Pernell stood.  Pernell waved over at him and grinned, never missing an opportunity to show his amusement over what his television father had to contend with.  “Seems to me Adam has more than enough hands to help him.”

Without skipping a beat Mike returned, “I just want to get away for a few days.  Pa let me go.”

Lorne drew in a deep breath.  He had rehearsed that scene while holding a coffee cup in his hands, but he figured he’d just have to wing it now.  “Why the rail head?  Why not Saint Louis?  Or New York?   Africa?  Why not to the very ends of the earth itself – or wouldn’t that be far enough either?”

Mike looked on top of the credenza for his bedroll but only found a script there so he lifted it up into his arms as he replied, “I’ve nothing to talk about.”

David quickly advanced to the front door and whispered into Lorne’s ear.  “Save it, Lorne.  We don’t have the cameras rolling right now.  Hopefully we can get back to this scene after we shoot up at E.N. if we don’t have another “I”.”

Michael looked suspiciously at the producer.  He couldn’t figure out why Mister Bristol’s cousin was bothering Pa and interrupting their conversation.

“Pa?”

Lorne nodded towards David and turned his attention back to Mike.  “Oh – yes, Son?  You were saying?”

“I think I’m supposed to go somewhere but I can’t remember,” he replied very confused.

Lorne eased a hand down onto Michael’s shoulder and spoke out calmly, “Yes, Joseph, we’re all going on a ride to show David – you know – Mister Bristol’s cousin – the scenery.”

“Is that where I was about to go?”

“Yes, Son.  Now come on you can ride with me in my wagon.”

“The one where the horses are under the hood, Pa?  Or are we taking bigger horses this trip?” He asked.

Pernell rolled his eyes again while Dan just sat on the settee shaking his head and with an appearance of dread on his face.

“Just come along, Joseph.  Boys – let’s go!” Lorne addressed his other television sons.

Staring over at Lorne perplexed, Pernell said, “We aren’t in those scenes, why do we have to go?”

“Doctor Martin’s cousin here said that all of us need to go there with your little brother,” David announced, a displeased look on his face.

Lorne moved away from Michael temporarily and over to Pernell.  “Just do it.  If this doesn’t work out the network might finally agree to all your demands since Michael won’t be back for a very long time.”

“Lorne,” Pernell whispered.  “That kid is totally crackers!  Good luck up there on that mountain.  If he starts to fall just let him go.  It’s the only humane thing to do at this point.”

Dan stood and stared at Pernell.  He eased over to stand next to Lorne and said, “Just go with it, Pernell, Mike might not be here much longer.  Come on you can ride with me in my car – – I mean buckboard.”

Lorne moved back to where Mike was standing at the front door and took him by the elbow.  “Come on, Joseph.  It’ll be alright.”

The six men filtered out into the parking lot to head out to the Vasquez Rocks to see if Michael would somehow snap out of it or if he’d be starting a new career as a full-time basket weaver.

Assembled at the Vasquez Rocks was the production crew, including cameramen and the sound technicians.  The places where Michael and Lorne would be running their lines were marked on the incline of the face of the mountain, and a rifle was placed up at the very top where the rocks formed a V-shaped split.  David had instructed the cameramen to keep rolling unless there was an issue and they would be splicing the film if Mike froze up or missed his lines.

Lorne and Michael were the last two to arrive that afternoon and parked the car next to the other actors who were already waiting at the base of the mountain.

“Sorry we’re late,” Lorne whispered to David as he hurried to get his make-up on.

“What happened?” David asked as he watched Lorne sitting down.  The make-up artist went right to work on him.

“Oh, “Little Joe” asked me to stop by the seven-eleven.  He needed to use the “outhouse” and wanted a sarsaparilla.”

“They have that at the convenience store?”

Lorne had to wait until the make-up artist was through before replying.  “Yes, it’s called ginger ale!” He grinned.  “Hey – hand me that mirror, will you?” he asked David.

“Here,” the producer said and retrieved the hand mirror that the make-up artist had in her kit.

Lorne studied his reflection and shook his head.  “I hope this looks natural.  I don’t want Little Joe to think that his father is a sissy.”

“It’s fine, Lorne,” David insisted and took the mirror from the actor’s hand.

“Alright, I guess it’s about that time,” Lorne groaned.

David watched as Mike walked around the base of the mountain with a look of dread on his face.  “What do you think, Lorne?  You’ve spent a lot of time with him.  Will Mike be able to pull this off?”

Lorne stood and pulled the make-up cape off and tossed it onto the chair.  “How should I know?  What – am I, his father?”

“Yes,” Came the voice of Doctor Wallace as he joined the two men.  “You’re going to be up there with him, Lorne.  I’m not sure how my patient will react.  But Michael still thinks you are his pa so good luck!”

“Thanks a lot,” Lorne sighed.  “I guess I’m going to need to talk to him before we go make that climb,” he said and walked over to Mike.

“Joseph?” Lorne began and moved over to where the young man was staring up to the top of Eagle’s Nest.

“Yeah, Pa?” Mike said, never taking his eyes off the top of the mountain.

“Son, isn’t there something at the top of Eagle’s Nest that you perhaps want to go get?”

Dropping his gaze down to the ground, Mike asked, “Oh – Pa?  Exactly how much did Mitch tell you about the day that we were hunting that mountain lion?”

“Well, he did mention that you lost something, Joseph.”

Michael tried to stall for time and cast another quick glance at the top of the mountain where the rifle was carefully secured.

“Joseph?” Lorne continued and placed a hand onto Mike’s arm.  “Was it perhaps your rifle?”

Mike just shrugged his shoulders not wanting to admit that he had lost his gun up at the very top.  He looked over to where he spied Adam standing next to Hoss.

“Hey, Pa?  I thought that Adam was supposed to be up at the rail head?”

Lorne stared over at Pernell, who was both smiling and waving towards the two of them.  “Well – yes – he was up there – but he just got back.”

Michael looked back up to the top of the mountain and said, “My rifle — I can shoot it down!  Why do I have to climb it for?  I’ve got nothing to prove!”

David heard Michael’s rant and called for one of the production assistants and ordered them to get Little Joe’s gun and holster.  It was retrieved from one of the on-site trailers and David hurriedly brought it over to Mike.

“Here, Little Joe, you forgot your gun!”

Michael strapped the holster on and checked to make sure that there were bullets in the Colt.

Pernell watched what was happening and whispered to Dan, “We can thank our lucky stars that there’s only blanks in that gun, Dan!  The last thing that any of us needs is to be around Michael with a loaded weapon.”

Lorne attempted to get back to the issue at hand.  “Joseph, don’t you remember that you tried to shoot that rifle down yesterday and it didn’t work?”

Michael frowned and shook his head.  “Oh yeah, I forgot, Pa.”

Staring over at David, Lorne noticed that he was pointing at his watch.  He knew that they had to get moving before the afternoon light faded.

Placing a comforting arm around Michael’s shoulder, Lorne continued, “Now, Joseph – wasn’t that your favorite rifle?”

Michael shook his head adamantly and answered, “No, Pa, to be perfectly honest with you I never really liked that rifle.  You know it jammed up a lot.  And besides, I’ve got a birthday coming up soon and I was thinking that maybe you could get me a new one?”

Lorne sighed and tried to come up with something that Pa would say to his youngest son.  “I know you have a birthday coming up, Joseph –” he was cut off by Mike.

“Yeah, I’m going to be seventeen, Pa, remember?”

“Wait,” Lorne began, staring at the character of Little Joe.  “Weren’t you seventeen last year, Son?  Come to think of it, you’ve had three birthdays in a row where you turned seventeen!”

“But Pa – I’m always seventeen!” Mike exclaimed.

Lorne patted Michael’s shoulder trying to placate him and to avoid any unnecessary sudden moves that might spook him.  “Of course you are, Joseph.”  *** Now to figure out how I’m going to get this kid up the mountain.  And after this is all over, I’m going to make David pay me a writer’s salary for all of these adlibs! *** He thought to himself.

“Now, Joseph, you wouldn’t want me to think that you turned down a challenge, would you?  You know how brave I’ve always said that you were!”

Mike looked sheepishly over at Lorne and said, “But Pa – it’s an awfully long way up there, you know?”

“Well, Son, just see how far you can make it and I’ll come up in just a couple of minutes.  Okay?” He urged him onward.

“Pa, could you tell me the story about when I was just five years old – just a little kid — and I ran off one day?” Michael continued to stall for time, hoping that Pa would forget about the rifle.

Lorne shook his head and sighed wearily.  He knew that he’d have to think of something fast or he’d never get the two of them up to their marks on the side of the mountain.  “I’ll tell you what, Joseph,” He began and placed his arm across Mike’s shoulder.  “If you’ll go on up there – just as soon as I see you above me, I’ll tell you that story again.”

Michael looked over to where Hoss and Adam were standing and whispered into Lorne’s ear, “Okay, Pa – I’ll go up – but tell my brothers that they can’t watch me.  I don’t want them to make fun of me in case I don’t quite make it to my rifle.”

“Sure, Son,” He smiled and patted Mike’s shoulder.

“Okay, Pa – I’m going,” He remarked apprehensively and began to climb up the mountain.

Pernell and Dan joined Lorne at the base of Eagle’s Nest.

“Hey listen how about the two of you standing somewhere that Mike won’t be able to see you?  Joseph is worried that you might witness him getting scared,” Lorne suggested.

“I hope he makes it up there,” Dan returned watching Michael ascending higher and higher and every now and then looking down.

“It’s probably going to take awhile before he makes it to his mark,” Lorne nodded over at Dan.

“Well,” Pernell began, smiling over at Lorne.  “It might take Little Joe awhile to get up there – but he’ll come down really fast!  Don’t let him knock you off the side of the mountain as he shoots past you, Lorne!”

Lorne frowned.  “Not funny, Pernell!  You’d better hope that he doesn’t do a Gainer off there!  Bonanza will be shut down permanently if that happens!”

Pernell burst out laughing.  “Lorne, that’s the same as heads I win, tails you lose!   You know I’m leaving either way.”

“You both go over to Dan’s car so Michael won’t see you,” Lorne instructed with aggravation in his tone of voice.

“Okay,” Dan nodded and dragged Pernell off with him.

*** There’s just got to be an easier way to make a living! *** Lorne grumbled and began scaling the mountain.

“I’ve got fifty dollars that says Mike chokes and falls down that mountain,” Pernell said to Dan.

“Well, I’ll take that bet,” Dan nodded hoping for the best.

“And I’ve got another fifty that says that if Mike falls that Lorne will follow him down!”

Dan shook his head and frowned, “No bet – I know Lorne just as well as you do!”

The cameras were in position as well as the two huge boom mics as Michael made it to his mark and rested.  The director yelled action and everyone waited with bated breath to see what would happen and to find out if they’d have to summon the paramedics for Mike.

Lorne lifted his head and peeked above him to see if Michael would react to the lines he was about to throw to him.

“Joseph!  Joe, listen to me!”

Michael lifted his head off of his arms and replied, “Pa, leave me alone!”

Lorne smiled to himself but didn’t show it on his face since the cameras were rolling.  *** I’ll be damned, the kid’s doing alright! *** he thought.

“Joe, listen to me good.  Back down real slow and easy.  I’m right down here below you.”

“I can’t!”

“Joe, you’ve got to try.”

“Pa, please – I can’t!” Mike said breathlessly as he began to hyperventilate.

“Why, Joe?”

“I’m afraid, Pa.  I’m a grown man and I’m afraid and I don’t know why.”

Lorne stared down below and wondered if he could get out his next line.  He was up very high, and the next words didn’t ring true to him.  *** Michael was right – this script isn’t realistic! *** He thought to himself.  He drew in a deep breath and continued.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“I know that.  I’m not a kid anymore, Pa, but why am I acting like one?  Do you know how many times I’ve come back to this mountain just to get my rifle?  How many times I’ve stood in front of it and cried because I’m afraid and I just don’t know why,” Mike said between sobs.  None of the camera crew knew if the actor was in fact acting or if the tears were running down his face because he happened to be terrified at the time.

*** Oh, no.  It’s time for the five-years-old – just a little kid – story.  I swear if Mike/Little Joe asks me why he ran off at the age of five I’m going to quit the series and go back to broadcasting the news in Canada! *** Lorne sighed to himself.

“Joe – Joe, listen to me.  When you were about five years old – just a little kid—you ran off one day.  And I had a whole bunch of people looking for you.  And we combed this whole area.  And I came up upon you late that night right up here at Eagle’s Nest and I carried you down in my arms.”

“Pa, I’m not five years old anymore.”

“Joe – the human mind – well it’s a funny thing.  You know man has his little fears, and he gets them stored up in his mind.  And there’s no point in him being afraid of anything, especially now, Joe, when I think maybe you know why you might be afraid.”  *** Damn Ben Cartwright sounds like Doctor Wallace now.  Maybe I should’ve gone into psychology? ***

“Maybe that makes sense to you, Pa, but it doesn’t make any sense to me!  I know what I have to do and I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it by myself, Pa.  I’m gonna – oh why—oh why can’t I do it?”

Lorne peered up at Michael again and saw that he was crying to beat the band.  He wasn’t sure if it was Little Joe bawling or if it was Mike, but it didn’t really matter.  The kid was saying the right lines and that meant that the episode was well on the way of getting done.  Lorne just wanted to get off the blasted mountain, and he swore to himself that he would never film anything with Michael Landon that was higher than the steps to the International House Hotel.

*** Here goes nothing! *** Lorne thought as he prepared to slide down a bit as soon as he yelled out for Little Joe.

“Joe, I’m coming up to the top of Eagle’s Nest alongside you.”

“Pa, I know you want to help me but you’re only making it worse.”

“I’m coming up alongside you, Joe.” *** That seemed a bit redundant! *** Lorne sighed.

“Please go home, Pa, I know I can do it.”

*** Here I go! *** Lorne thought as he patted his hat down onto his head so it wouldn’t fly off as he slid.

“Joe, help me!  Help me, Joe!  Help, Joe!” Lorne cried out and slowly drifted down the face of the mountain.

Michael lifted his head and tried to get a look down below him.  His face froze in fear for a few seconds before he said anything.  The cameramen and the producer all drew in a deep breath and waited to see what was going to happen.

*** What in the hell am I doing up here? *** Michael thought to himself as he realized he was almost at the top of the Vasquez Rocks.  He suddenly remembered hearing Lorne’s voice crying out to him that he was falling.

“Oh my gosh, Lorne!  Hang on I’m coming – let me go get that rifle and I’ll pull you up!” Michael shouted and raced to the top of the mountain.

Lorne groaned as he watched Mike scurrying to where the rifle had been placed by the crew earlier.  *** Great we almost had that whole scene filmed and now it’s going to have to be re-shot!  Just my luck that the kid snapped out of it now.  I’m going to have to climb back down this blasted mountain and let him pull me up twice now!***

“I’m almost to you, Lorne – hang on!” Michael shouted and slid down to just above where the other actor was clinging to a rocky overhang.  “Lorne – don’t worry –just grab a hold of this!”

“Fine,” Lorne announced and reached for the butt end of the rifle.  *** You know this is really stupid anyway.  If this thing was loaded Little Joe would probably get shot as his father tugged on the darn thing!  At least it’s not pointed at me, just him! ***

Michael finally got Lorne pulled up to him and they both collapsed onto the face of the mountain.  They were both winded and didn’t speak for a couple of minutes.

Down in the parking lot both Pernell and Dan watched through binoculars.

“I think they got the scene done,” Dan smiled over at the other actor.

Pernell shook his head and replied, “I’m not giving you the fifty bucks until they are both down at the bottom.”

Dan laughed and held out his hand.  “Cough it up, Pernell.  Both of them are gonna be down here soon.”

Pernell groaned and pulled out his wallet.  “This is yet another reason why I’m leaving this stupid show!”

The director had yelled cut the minute that the sound crew had reported back that Michael had called out the name Lorne.  All the rest of the crew took a coffee break since they were aware that the whole scene would have to be redone.

“Lorne?  You okay?”  Mike asked, still out of breath.

“Yes, Joseph,” He smiled.

Michael looked at the rifle held in his hands and then back over at Lorne.  “Hey, Pa, you really didn’t need me to help you – did you?”

Lorne sighed and shook his head.  Mike was running his lines and hadn’t heard the director yelling “cut”.  “Well to be honest, Michael, I did need you to help me.  I was starting to slip.”

“Huh?  That’s not how we rehearsed this scene, Lorne.”

Lorne smiled and patted his friend’s arm.  “It’s okay, Michael.  We have to shoot the whole thing all over again anyway.”

“Oh gee, Lorne – did I flub a line?” He asked worriedly.

“Of course not.  It – well – it was me.  I messed up the line about Little Joe running off when he was just five years old.  I forgot to add “just a little kid”,” He replied, trying to ease the young man’s mind.  Lorne was relieved to have his friend back mentally intact.

Michael thought about what Lorne had just said, his face taking on a perplexed appearance.  “Hey I was wondering.  Why did Little Joe run off when he was five anyhow?”

Lorne drew in a deep breath wondering how he could answer that insane question which had been posed to him weeks ago by the same Mike/Little Joe combo.  “Well, you see Little Joe wanted to prove that he wasn’t afraid of heights and he was right!”

“He was?” Mike returned, very surprised by what his friend had just told him.  “If that was true then why did Pa have to carry him down in his arms?”

“That’s an easy one,” Lorne grinned and patted his friend’s arm.  “Because Pa loves him best.”

Michael smiled broadly, “Oh yeah, that’s right!  Well, I guess we’d better get back to business.  I’ll climb back up and then you slide down, Pa.”

“Pa?”  Lorne questioned, wondering if Michael had wigged out again.

Mike looked at his friend and patted his arm.  “Lorne, I always call you Pa when we’re out on a shoot, don’t you remember?”

“Oh, that’s right,” Lorne chuckled.  “Okay, Joseph, go on up to your marker and we’ll get this over with.”

Mike grinned and responded, “Yeah, Pa, I’ll be glad when this is done.  You know I think that I just might have a touch of acrophobia.”

“Really?” Lorne replied, raising his eyebrows in feigned astonishment.  “I’d never have known that about you if you hadn’t told me.”
Hearing that response Michael smiled proudly and hurried up to the top of the mountain.  Suddenly he was just fine.

All the scenes were re-shot, and the filming went off without a hitch.  The episode was a huge success.  And the rest is television history.

(And Pernell left the show not too long afterwards, just as he had threatened at least a thousand times.)

The End

Written by: Wrangler

6-24-26   ***Feedback is not required but is always appreciated.  Thank you for reading! ***

(Dedicated to my story consultant Rob, without whom I would have quit.  And to my grandson and two dear friends who won’t allow me to stop writing.)

***Note from the writer: The episode “Between Heaven and Earth” was my personal favorite and the only episode I can recite word for word.  This parody was written tongue in cheek and isn’t meant to lessen the impact of the wonderful script by Ed Adamson, who was a terrific writer.  And all of my Pa/Joe moments in my stories have been inspired by the wonderful way that both Lorne Greene and Michael Landon portrayed their characters in this episode.  They were absolutely amazing! ***