Summary:  A silly little follow-up to Enter Mark Twain.  

Rated: K+ (845 words)

 

Seeing Sta*s

 

Territorial Enterprise, Tuesday, October 4, 1863

Great brawl at the ‘Bucket of Blood’ saloon

By Josh

An epic all-out free-for-all broke out in the ‘Bucket’ last night, resulting in several hundred dollar’s worth of property damage and a long row of customers lining up at Doc Martin’s for stitches and cold compresses. Josh mingled among the walking wounded to learn about the cause of this disaster. Each victim had his own sad tale to share, but remarkably they all ended with the same beginning: each man got hurt because he was beaten by someone who had been punched by another man who had been battered by someone else who had been assaulted by Pete Anders because Pete Anders had been socked in the nose by Adam Cartwright. This leaves Josh no choice but to conclude that it was indeed Mr. Adam Cartwright, usually known to be an outstanding and mature citizen, who is guilty of starting the aforesaid brawl. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Te**ito*ial Ente*p*ise, Wednesday, Octobe* 5, 1863

Addendum to yeste*day’s a*ticle.

By Josh

M*. Adam Ca*tw*ight visited the Ente*p*ise’s office last night with new info*mation *ega*ding the b*awl at the ‘Bucket of Blood’. He insisted that he can in no way be called guilty of sta*ting Monday’s fight, as he was only *esponding to an insult di*ected at the lady he was with at the time. He *eminded Josh that acco*ding to the law, a man cannot be conside*ed guilty of anything unless p*oven so in a cou*t of law. He the*eupon demanded that a *et*action of yeste*day’s a*ticle be published today. This Josh politely declined, since that would make lia*s out of seve*al outstanding citizens who we*e p*esent at the fight. Josh is delighted to *epo*t that M*. Ca*tw*ight handled himself in the ensuing exchange with the matu*ity and tact we have come to expect f*om a member of one of Vi*ginia City’s most *espected families. Namely, the knuckles of his *ight hand delive*ed a convincing and p*ecise opening a*gument towa*ds this w*ite*’s left jaw bone. Josh, afte*  *econside*ing his case fo* a moment, counte*ed by letting his shoulde* speak st*ong wo*ds to M*. Ca*tw*ight’s midsection. This motivated M*. Ca*tw*ight to become ai*bo*ne until his head made a *esonant final statement upon the Ente*p*ise’s new typesetting machine. Since M*. Ca*tw*ight is the owne* of a *athe*  la*ge and densely const*ucted  c*anium, it is the unfo*tunate typesette*  who has suffe*ed the mo*e  g*ievous insult du*ing this encounte*. As the astute *eader has undoubtedly obse*ved, the typesette* has lost the use of one of the most impo*tant lette*s of the alphabet. As fo* M*. Adam Ca*tw*ight, his exchange with the typesette* has caused him to tempo*a*ily misplace his wits, and he has taken up *esidence at Doc Ma*tin’s until such time as he *elocates them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Te**ito*ial Ente*p*ise, Thu*sday, Octobe* 6, 1863.

Humble *et*action of yeste*day’s addendum to Tuesday’s a*ticle.

By Josh, who’s getting quite fond of penning apologies on behalf of a well-known and much-loved local family, and who is also becoming adept at making up sentences that don’t necessitate the use of one awfully ubiquitous glyph of the English language.

Seve*al membe*s of the Ca*tw*ight clan made an appea*ance at the office yeste*day afte*noon, speaking on behalf of thei* son and b*othe*, who is still enjoying the hospitality of Doc Ma*tin. This time a*ound, all p*esent pa*ties acted like pe*fect gentlemen, no equipment was damaged, and a mutual ag*eement could be *eached afte* lengthy negotiations, in light of which the following points need to be made:

1)  M*. Adam Ca*tw*ight did in no way sta*t, p*ovoke o* p*ecipitate Monday’s b*awl at the ‘Bucket of Blood’. He was defending the hono* of a lady, which is eve*y gentleman’s fi*st duty, when he was, quite *eluctantly, fo*ced to d*ive M* Ande*s’ nose up his skull.

2) M*. Adam Ca*tw*ight did in no way sta*t, p*ovoke o* p*ecipitate Tuesday’s b*awl at the Te**ito*ial Ente*p*ise’s office. He was defending his own hono*, which is eve*y gentleman’s second duty, when he was, quite *eluctantly, fo*ced to punch this w*ite* in the jaw.

3) M*. Adam Ca*tw*ight has an ave*age sized c*anium filled with above-ave*age wits. (Not all of which, unfo*tunately, he has *ecove*ed as of this w*iting. His family assu*es us, howeve*, that, although suffe*ing the mothe* of all headaches, he is able to communicate using ALL the lette*s of the English alphabet, which is mo*e than can be said about ou* poo*  typesette*.)

4) Following the cla*ification of points 1) th*ough 3), the Ca*tw*ight family has g*aciously offe*ed to finance the pu*chase of a new typesetting machine fo* the Te**ito*ial Ente*p*ise. Conside*ing the *a*ity of such equipment, the new machine has to be o*de*ed f*om Boston and may not a**ive until sometime next sp*ing. Until then, dea* citizens, you will continue to see sta*s.

~~~~~~~~~~

By Josh…uh….alias  Lily of the West

 

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.