Killing Cartwrights (by freyakendra)

Total, inane, silliness, prompted by Inca challenging writers to do what no one–or mostly no one, anyway–wants to do: actually kill a Cartwright! Subsequent discussion bordered on the macabre, with congratulations bestowed upon writers meeting the challenge. These 2 parodies resulted….

Rated: K+  WC  550

  • 50 Ways to Kill a Cartwright,” based on Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
  • This Fanfic Writers’ Fantasy,” based on “I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General

Killing Cartwrights

 

SJS_Best

50 Ways to Kill a Cartwright

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“The answer is all inside your head,” she said to me.
“The challenge is easy if you take it logically.
I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free.
There must be fifty ways to kill a Cartwright.”

She said “it’s really not my habit to write death,
But it was thrilling to take up a gun and steal my Cartwright’s breath.
All I ask is that you learn from old Macbeth.
There must be fifty ways to kill a Cartwright.”

Chorus:

He was slow on the draw, Pa.
He met an old foe, Joe.
He slipped on some moss, Hoss.
Just listen to me:

You’ll find it a rush to crush
That Cartwright you love so much!
Just type on those keys, please,
And get yourself free!

A Paiute attack. ‘thwack!’
A grab for the land. ‘bam!’
Don’t foil that ploy, Roy!
Just listen to me.

A Barbary quake. ‘shake!’
Or maybe a rattlesnake!
Just type on those keys, please
And get yourself free.

It would grieve Ben so to see one of his boys slain.
What would he do if Adam met his end through Kane?
Some readers love it when the bad guys are insane.

There’s surely 50 ways….

What if Ben just can’t sleep, and it’s the dead of night,
‘Cause he believes in the morning he won’t rise to see the light;
Then he discovers he was wrong yet he was right—
The writer’s tagged another Cartwright…

Oh, she’s tagged another Cartwright.

Chorus:

He met up with Ross, Hoss!
An ornery Madame, Adam!
Got caught in a rowe, Joe!
Folks, listen to me!

It’s happened again, Ben.
That’s love ‘til the end, my friend!
Just type on those keys, please!
And get yourself free.

He was slow on the draw, Pa.
He met an old foe, Joe.
He slipped on some moss, Hoss.
Just listen to me:

You’ll find it a rush to crush
That Cartwright you love so much!
Just type on those keys, please,
And get yourself free!

XxXxX

 

killing-cartwrights

This Fanfic Writer’s Fantasy

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Let’s charge the cheery challenge of this fanfic writer’s fantasy

This kill a Cartwright madness might make Ben give up his legacy

Try shooting, stabbing, hanging, jabbing, underhanded lunacy

Make all the tribes for miles around decide to break a truce or three

Spontaneous combustion, even alien conspiracy,

A broken dam, a rabid lamb or rampant promiscuity

Use fratricide or patricide or filicide or filigree

It really doesn’t matter, long as Adam writes the eulogy….

(long as Adam writes the eulogy)

He’ll wax poetic, sympathetic, alphabetic amblings;

Or maybe Joe will stutter through a well of tears and ramblings.

If both of them are dead and gone, will Hoss take up soliloquy?

Take charge the cheery challenge of this fanfic writer’s fantasy….

XxXxX

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