Summary: Ben’s guilt-ridden slump during the Prime of Life unearths painful memories for his oldest son. Despite this, the boys try their hardest to meet the contract deadline on their own. In the end, it’s up to Hoss to make sure his older brother gets back on the right track again. A WHIB/WHN for The Prime of Life.
Rating: G
Word Count: 7,380

 

The Never Again Series
Never Again
A Father’s Promise

 

Author’s Note: While writing this story, I forgot a few details of the episode that now don’t match up with what’s written below. The biggest error is the fact that I wrote Joe into the first scene in Hoss’ POV when the episode shows that he was actually with Adam at the time, not Hoss. The scene wouldn’t have worked the same if I went back and fixed it, so I kept it as is. Despite this, I hope you enjoy!

 

Never Again

One day, Pa was going to die.

Adam had accepted this long ago. Inger had been the first to introduce him to Life’s unexpected fatalities, and after Marie, he had learned that Death waited for no one. It was simply a fact of life. At some point or another, everyone would die, no matter how hard Adam fought to keep them alive.

One day, the great Ponderosa would belong solely to the Cartwright brothers. By that time, Adam hoped to be halfway across the country—or perhaps even the world. All that land—the barn, the ranch—was meant to belong to Hoss, who couldn’t fathom leaving home for any sort of lengthy trip, and certainly never for good. Or even Joe, who would thrive on a more distant portion of the family spread where he could raise children of his own.

One day, Pa would pass away and bequeath to his sons the glorious Ponderosa. Adam knew this all-too-well. He just never thought his father would die with so much breath still left in his body. With his eyes wide open and his skin still warm.

Adam never thought the famous Ben Cartwright would die with his heart still beating like a restless drum. Not again.

“From now on, the Ponderosa belongs to the three of you. You run it any way you see fit.”

As he rode back to the worksite, too long abandoned by its leaders, the words still plagued him like a virus that had no known cure. Flashes of unwanted memories attacked his mind with a vengeance. They were too similar. Far too similar…

A terrible accident. A dying parent.

And another lost to his own prison of guilt and grief.

Three boys left to run the ranch alone. Abandoned; looked straight through as if they didn’t even exist.

Only this time, Adam wasn’t seventeen. This time, he had much more help than a twelve- and five-year-old could give.

This time, they were ready. They were strong. They were independent.

This time, it shouldn’t have hurt as much.

Yet, this time felt no different than when Ben had spiraled after Marie’s death. And maybe this time hurt so much more because it shouldn’t even be happening in the first place.

Pa had promised all those years ago. He had promised. That’s why the situation cut so deeply.

There was never supposed to be a next time.

And yet, it was happening all over again. At least this time, Ben hadn’t run off to escape his problems in a completely different state.

Adam didn’t need to glance over his shoulder to know Joe and Hoss were lagging behind. Yet, somehow, he couldn’t fault them for it. Neither particularly wanted to reach the worksite, and if Adam were to take even a second to be honest with himself, he didn’t either.

Their arrival would make things seem too real. It would solidify the fact that they were now the only ones keeping this contract afloat.

Adam grit his teeth until the pressure did more than just sting. Maybe he could distract himself with the pain. Never known you to be one to break a promise, Pa. Or a contract.

He’d seen guilt change folks in many different ways, but in all his years, not once did he think he’d see the day when his father would bury himself alive.

Sure, Pa was there, and yet he wasn’t. Adam could see him plain as day, but he wasn’t the same man. The one Adam had always looked up to and respected.

The one he admired.

“Adam?”

With a start, he offered Joe a sidelong glance. In his dark musings, he hadn’t even heard his brother ride up.

“You think… Well, do you think Pa’s really serious about this? Giving us the Ponderosa?”

Adam forced a smile he hoped came off as reassuring. “He’s just going through a bit of a rough spell, Joe. He’ll come back to himself soon, you’ll see.”

You’ll see…

It was a bitter lie, but Joe seemed to believe it. For now.

“You really think so?”

I don’t know.

Yet, Adam nodded despite his misgivings.

Joe seemed to relax a bit after that, stirring up Adam’s pot of inner turmoil even more. As the eldest, he’d told his fair share of falsehoods to his younger brothers. Often out of necessity so as to spare them from heartache, but sometimes, when he was younger, he’d lied out of selfishness. Hasn’t everyone?

At the moment, as Joe sighed in relief, Adam couldn’t tell if this particular lie had stemmed from one or the other. Perhaps both necessity and selfishness had driven the words out of his mouth, and maybe just a bit of guilt on the side.

Because he should’ve pushed harder back at the ranch. He should’ve made his father see reason. Somehow.

Somehow, he should’ve stopped it before it all began. He’d noticed the tell-tale signs of Pa pushing himself too hard, and in turn, pushing everyone else.

Should’ve spoken up sooner. Before…

The camp came into view at last, derailing Adam’s toxic train of thought. Beside him, Joe sucked in a breath. And rightly so.

What few men there were to be seen lounged around, toiling away at nothing but their own aimlessness.

And so it begins.

“What’s going on here?” Adam inquired before dismounting and directing his steps toward the foreman.

The man had been rather ornery ever since he’d signed on. More so once Pa’s own mood had started its downhill slide. Even now, he looked Adam over with that “try me” attitude only Pa could seem to defuse.

“Break time,” came the foreman’s answer.

Adam merely raised a brow. “At one-thirty? I wasn’t aware it took that long to finish lunch.”

“Well.” The man heaved a sigh that sounded a bit too self-satisfied for Adam’s tastes. “We extended it a little on account of not knowing when your Pa was coming back. Where is he?”

“He’s not here.” Adam locked glares with the man, voice calm; unshakable. “I am. Now, you’ve had your break. That’s fine. But we’re all going to get back to work. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re on a deadline. Do we understand each other?”

The foreman made a show of taking his time as he hooked his thumbs on his belt. In the end, however, he nodded. “Sure, Mr. Cartwright. Whatever you say.”

“Good.” Raising himself to his full height, Adam nodded at his brothers. In a silent show of authority, they continued to make their way toward the main awning.

Everything was just how they’d left it. Papers strewn across the desk in a classic display of organized chaos, tools abandoned, maps half folded. Pa hadn’t given the little hub a second thought after the accident.

The accident. Adam pursed his lips, crossing his arms as he surveyed the scene. That’s all it was, Pa: an accident.

Wasn’t it? Ben’s failure to use the right safety precautions had led to the incident, sure, but the cable could’ve broken at any time. It could’ve all been fine. Or it could’ve killed anyone.

This new thought nearly stopped Adam’s heart. That log could’ve killed anyone.

And Hoss had been standing right there.

Steeling himself against a sudden wave of nausea, he strode forward. Someone had to make sense of it all, and it was the unspoken rule that in their father’s absence, Adam took charge as second in command.

“All right,” he began with a small sigh. “I’ll sort things out here and see where we are.” See how far behind schedule we got… “Why don’t you two go back to your own posts.”

Joe and Hoss exchanged a look, one Adam was too overwhelmed to try to decipher.

Hoss spoke up first. “Seems like we can be doing more than we were when… Well, when Pa was here.”

“Hoss is right.” Joe began to fiddle with his hat. “I was just chopping down trees before.”

Adam could feel a fresh headache lurking at the back of his mind, waiting for its chance to strike. “Then you can go back to chopping trees.”

“But don’t we already have enough of those? Like Hoss said, it seems we can be doing something more important.”

Fighting to keep his temper in check, Adam studied his brothers. “I don’t know yet. As I said, I won’t know where we are until I can make sense of this mess.” When neither replied, he heaved a sigh. “All right. What do you want to do?”

Now Joe was fidgeting like a sinner in church, but Adam couldn’t bring himself to care. It shouldn’t be this difficult. Not this early on, at least. I shouldn’t have to pry it out of them. There shouldn’t be this long back and forth.

Back and forth… 

“Seems to me,” Hoss began, his expression ever thoughtful, “we should be working on hooking up the teams so we can get some of these logs out of here. I reckon that’s about where we were at when Pa was here.”

“Fine. You two go see about the horses and I’ll—”

“Get things sorted out so we can see where we are.” Joe slapped his hat back on his head with a grin. “Yeah. We know.”

Despite his nagging irritation, Adam found himself returning the smile. “Well, at least now we understand each other.”

“Hey,” Hoss said, flashing his own grin as things finally started to come together, “don’t you worry ‘bout a thing, Adam. You sort things out up here, and me and Joe’ll sort things out with the teams.”

“Yeah,” Joe added, “and with any luck, we’ll have everything ready to go when Pa comes back.”

Right. Though the words put a damper on his rising mood, Adam forced his expression to remain neutral. When Pa comes back.

Sure.

As Joe and Hoss made their easy retreat, Adam mentally prepared himself for the task ahead. That new block had arrived while they were fussing around at the ranch. He supposed someone would need to get to replacing the rigging if they were ever going to continue where they left off.

Where we left off…

Adam slammed his eyes shut at the memory of Gabe.

Of Pa.

With a heavy sigh, he collapsed onto the stool and massaged his temples. Oh, Pa…

~*~*~*~

Everything had been going fine. They had finally settled into a pattern of doing things. Granted, that pattern hadn’t included Ben, who still moped about the ranch like a man on the brink of death, but they’d managed well enough without him.

Yet, as Adam rubbed his freshly bruised jaw—a vain attempt to wipe away the pain—he began to think that maybe they hadn’t been as well off as he’d originally thought.

Apparently “well enough” isn’t good enough.

He should’ve known about the teams before anyone even set foot on the Ponderosa to take them away. Somehow, he should’ve known. Maybe Hoss was right. Adam gave Sport a brief pat before mounting. If I was really the boss, I would’ve known.

Pa would’ve known.

From his perch atop Cochise, Joe blew out a sigh that sounded as frustrated as Adam felt. “Now how are we gonna get those teams back?”

Setting his jaw, Adam threw one last glare toward the hotel. “We’re not.”

“What?” Joe fired back. “We’ve gotta get those teams back! Are you really gonna let a lowdown, dirty thief like Fuller get away with—”

“I said we’re not! You heard him just as well as I did. He has legal right to those teams.” Swallowing a sigh, Adam looked to Hoss for support. For once, his rock was silent. “There’s nothing we can do.”

“But Adam,” Joe continued, “how’re we gonna—?”

“I don’t know!” He hadn’t meant to snap; hadn’t meant to shout. They’d all been doing enough of that lately. Forcing his usual steady calm back into his voice, Adam shook his head. “I don’t know. Not yet. But I’ll figure it out.”

I’ll have to.

At long last, Hoss spoke up, offering those simple reassurances Adam could always count on. “We all will. There ain’t one of us that’s in this thing alone. It’s together or nothin’, and I dunno about you two, but I ain’t figuring on having nothin’.”

“Well,” Joe began, his tone having lost all its previous fire, “together it is, then. I mean, what else do we have?”

The words struck Adam to the very core. Because they were true. They didn’t have Pa. Not this time.

Just each other.

And that’s got to be enough.

Please, God, he prayed as they started their journey home, let it be enough.

Fuller had been right all along: they were in trouble. And despite the reassurance from Hoss, Adam still felt like it was his job to get them out of it. It had always been his job to get them out of trouble. Only, this time, he didn’t have Ben to back him up.

If only we could change his mind. Make him see reason.

Adam scoffed. He’d just as soon see Fuller willingly return their stolen teams than see his father back at the worksite.

Supper that night met all Adam’s expectations—and exceeded none of them. Pa was his same old dismal self, listening only half-heartedly as they recounted their tale of woe.

Barney Fuller.

The stolen teams.

A very abbreviated version of their trip into Virginia city…

Ben didn’t seem to care about any of it. 

He passed along a few words of wisdom regarding Fuller, but other than that…

Well, the packet returned from Mrs. Fletcher with the money still inside. Every dollar untouched. After that, Pa made his way upstairs, the clunk of his cane against the floor driving a merciless barrage of needles through Adam’s spine.

“I don’t get it.” From where Adam sat in his chair near the fireplace, Joe looked to be mere inches away from committing murder—most likely Pa’s or Fuller’s. “How can he just sit there and act like everything’s fine and dandy?”

The hour was late and Adam could only shrug. “Maybe it is, to him.”

Hoss just shook his head, ever the thoughtful one. “Or maybe, he’s tryin’ to fool himself into thinkin’ it is.”

“Yeah, well, the only fools I see are the ones hanging around this settee.” Pushing himself to his feet, Adam stretched and stifled a yawn. “Come on, we won’t be worth much tomorrow if we don’t get some sleep.”

“But what about the teams?” came Joe’s inevitable protest. “We have to figure that out before tomorrow.”

“Well, I haven’t stopped thinking about it yet and neither should you.” The smallest of smiles was the best Adam could offer and he prayed it didn’t look more like a grimace. “We’ll brainstorm over breakfast tomorrow.”

“If you say so.”

“I do, thank you very much. Now, I want you both to get as much sleep as you can. Boss’ orders.”

Joe cracked a tired grin. “Yes, sir.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” Hoss yawned.

Maybe a good night’s rest was what they needed. Tomorrow, they could figure everything out with fresh eyes and clear heads.

Only, sleep wouldn’t come that night. Instead, Adam’s mind raced.

What if their father never snapped out of it? What if they were forced to live out the rest of their days with this new guilt-ridden Ben? What if this is the new normal?

What then?

What then, indeed.

It was a question he didn’t know the answer to simply because he couldn’t think that far ahead. He didn’t want to think that far ahead.

The trestle. Finish the trestle first.

Right.

When the trestle was finished, then he could think about Pa. Then he could think in the long-term.

Until that time came, for the preservation of his already fraying mind, Adam wouldn’t dwell on the future. He wouldn’t let himself dwell on it.

Not now.

Not until the trestle’s done.

And who knows, his musings went on as sleep continued its vain quest to claim him, maybe Pa will snap out of it on his own.

Sure. All on his own.

It was a fool’s thought. A sarcastic fool’s thought. And yet, it came with a small shred of hope.

Maybe Ben would come back to them after all.

And if he doesn’t?

What then?

Adam shut his eyes against the intrusive thoughts. He couldn’t think about that yet.

Not if he wanted to keep his sanity.

~*~*~*~

“We’re going to use our horses.”

Adam’s declaration was so straightforward, Joe almost thought he was joking.

Almost.

It had become very clear in the recent days, however, that this was no laughing matter.

Hoss spoke up while Joe made attempt after vain attempt to wrap his head around Adam’s words. “You mean the ranch horses?”

“But Adam,” Joe said at last, his brow furrowed, “those are saddle horses.”

His oldest brother seemed unphased, as if he’d spent all night running every possibility and calculation in his head. Knowing him? He probably did.

“And today they’ll be pulling horses.” With a light shrug, Adam’s gaze drifted down to his coffee. “I don’t see any other option. Do you?”

Joe felt his own gaze dip. Nothing. He’d brainstormed until he fell asleep, waking up with nothing. No last-minute bright ideas. No crafty solutions.

Nothing.

“Well, no…” Hoss sounded as if he, too, were trying to wrap his head around the idea. “You really think they can do it?”

Another shrug from Adam. “We have to try. It’s all we got.”

A dismal silence settled over the room. Each brother felt the weight of the words as keenly as if someone had dropped one of the Widow Hawkins’ barbells on their shoulders.

Just when I thought we were getting the hang of this.

To say he was mad at Pa would be the understatement of the century. Some days, it was all Joe could do to keep from launching himself at his father and shaking the man until he snapped out of it.

At first, Joe figured the three of them together could break whatever spell their Pa was under. Time soon revealed the truth, and with it came a heavy dose of reality. Ben wasn’t interested in coming back to them. He wasn’t interested in running the ranch or finishing the contract. He didn’t care about the railroad or the trestle, or the stolen teams, or Barney Fuller.

He didn’t seem to care about anything, really, except his stupid old cane and the bathrobe that had become his second skin.

“What if…” Hoss’ thoughtful tone broke Joe out of his musings and he glanced up to find his brother’s brows knitted in deep furrows. “Well, what if we doubled the teams? Those horses out there ain’t good for much but riding when they’re on their own. But what if we doubled the size of the usual teams and made a more even-like distribution of the weight?”

A spark of hope flickered in Joe’s soul as he turned to Adam. Yeah… Yeah, what if we—?

Adam knit his own brows together and Joe could almost see the gears turning in his head. “That could work. It’d slow us down a bit, but…” He was nodding now, a hint of a smile stretching his lips. “But yeah, that could work.”

“Well,” Joe began, finally adding his two cents to the pile, “we’ll never know ‘till we try, right? I’ll get some of the hands and round up every horse we got.” The excitement of this just might work began to stir up within the youngest Cartwright and he shoved out of his chair. “You two better get back to the worksite, just in case something else goes wrong.”

“Right,” Adam agreed with a firm nod.

Hoss merely shot Joe a withering look. “I wish you wouldn’t say stuff like that, Joe.”

“Hey, prepare for the worst, right?”

Adam brushed past him, already donning his gun belt and hat. “And hope for the best. Come on. Let’s finish this contract.”

“Right behind ya,” Hoss replied, following Adam out the door.

For his part, Joe stole a brief moment to catch his breath. This could work. This could really work…

Adam was right: it’s all we got.

His older brother had been right about a lot of stuff lately, and that was just fine. Usually, it would grate on Joe’s nerves. After all, no one liked a know-it-all, least of all one that thought he was smarter than you simply because he was older.

Blowing out a sigh, Joe raised his brows. Heck, maybe he’s right about that, too.

But there was one thing Adam hadn’t been right about: Pa hadn’t come back to himself. Not yet, anyway.

“He’s going through a bit of a rough spell, Joe.”

Sure. Just how long was this “rough spell” supposed to last, exactly? And when do we get to have our Pa back?

Joe didn’t know the answer. He was certain Adam did, but… Well, the more time that passed them by, the less hopeful Joe found himself to be.

Pa’ll come back to us. He slapped on his hat and forced himself out the door, but not before taking one last glance toward the stairs. He has to.

Adam said he would, so he will.

Though it took some effort, Joe swallowed down the rising emotion. Won’t he…?

Several ranch hands were already waiting for him by the time he reached the barn.

Adam, Joe thought with a sudden fondness for his older brother. Always one step ahead of everybody.

“All right,” Joe began, his voice taking on that business tone he’d always seen his Pa use so effectively, “no matter how crazy this sounds, just bear with me ‘till the end.” When the hands made no move to question him, he continued, laying out the plan as succinctly as possible. After all, they were on a deadline.

Every second counts.

“Any questions?”

A few of the men exchanged glances and a couple even looked a bit confused, but only one spoke up, a grin plastered on his face.

“When do we start?”

Flashing a grin of his own, Joe began directing the men. He figured if they could round up every horse on the ranch, they might just have enough to put together more than a few teams.

As he started out to the coral, Joe’s mind vaguely registered the fact that Barney Fuller was riding into the yard.

Well, Joe didn’t have anything to say to him. At least, nothing Adam wouldn’t have his hide for later if he ever found out. Despite the rage bubbling inside him, he focused back on the task at hand. There wasn’t any use in stirring up trouble. Not now, anyway. Not when they were racing to get this contract done.

Later, however, Joe would have quite a few choice words to tell that dirty thief. Imagine, having the gall to set foot on our land after what he did to us…

Our land. It really was their land now, wasn’t it? Not Pa’s. Not anymore…

“From now on, the Ponderosa belongs to the three of you. You run it any way you see fit.”

Joe felt a shiver run down his spine. Any way we see fit. We’re trying, Pa.

We’re trying…

He only hoped that when all this was over—when the trestle was finished and they could put up their feet for a little while—their father would be proud of them.

That he would feel something, anything.

Please, God, let him feel something more than guilt.

Let him come back to us…

~*~*~*~

Hoss knew trouble was in the air the minute he risked a glance up from his work. After all, the men hadn’t all gathered here just so they could have a friendly little chat. No, whatever had ruffled their feathers was going to take more than just a couple of minutes to sort out.

Don’t they know we ain’t got that kind of time?

Straightening to his full height, Hoss identified their leader—that same fellow, Mike, who’d been giving Adam trouble from the very start—and stared him down.

“You fellas need somethin’?”

By now, Joe had put his own work on pause, his fingers crawling toward his holster. With a subtle wave of his hand, Hoss told his brother to stand down. Now wasn’t the time for violence.

The leader took a moment to reply, exchanging a few looks with his crew. Then, with a huff, he turned back to Hoss. “The way we figure it, we signed on under your Pa, not you or your brother. I ain’t seen him around since the accident and I think, from the way you all are actin’, I won’t be seein’ him out here for some time.” A pause, a breath. Hoss glanced at Joe, who offered nothing more than a shrug. “If I’m right, we want what’s owed us. If I’m wrong, then we’ll start our work up again once your Pa makes his grand appearance.”

“Now, let me get this straight.” Stalling for time was the best he could do at the moment. If Hoss could only find some way to make them stay… If he could just think up a plan before they all shipped out for good… Then what? How long’ll it last after that? “You’re thinkin’ on leavin’. Is that it?”

“That’s the short of it, yeah.”

“You’re just gonna quit without notice?”

Mike tucked his thumbs in his belt, chin held high as if daring Hoss to sock him one. “I just gave you notice. Unless you happen to know when you’re Pa’s comin’ back…”

“Pa’ll be back soon. You just gotta give him time.”

“We’ve given him enough time, haven’t we, fellas?” A murmur of agreement filled the air and Hoss’ newfound adversary smirked. “I think that about sums it up. Now, our pay, if you don’t mind, Mr. Cartwright.”

“You’ll get your pay when that trestle’s finished.” Joe’s heated voice thickened the tension like too much starch in a bowl of pudding. “Not before.”

Mike didn’t even spare Joe a glance. “We want what’s owed us—no more, no less—and we want it now. We worked for it and we’ve got a right to it.”

“But Mike,” Hoss pressed, trying with all his might not to let his desperation show, “you signed a contract. You can’t back out now.”

“Like I said, I signed that contract with your Pa. Now, we ain’t leavin’ without our pay.”

Hoss met Joe’s gaze, hoping to find a spark of a plan; a scheme that could get them out of this mess. That would make the last of their teams stay.

Only the face of utter defeat stared back at him. Nothing, Joe’s expression seemed to say. I’ve got nothing.

With every second that ticked by, the crew grew more and more anxious about their money—and irritated that they weren’t getting it.

Adam was not going to like this.

“All right.” Hoss blew out a sigh. “All right, Mike, if that’s really the way you want it.”

“I do. If it’s not too much trouble, Mr. Cartwright,” the logger replied with no small amount of sarcasm.

“You’ll get what comin’ to ya,” Hoss promised. “Ain’t no need to get nasty. Come on, Joe.”

Hand still dancing around his holster, Joe made a reluctant show of joining Hoss at the head of the group.

“Nice going,” Little Brother hissed.

“Hey, what else was I supposed to do? And I didn’t see you comin’ up with any bright ideas. Whatever happened to that brilliant mind of yours, anyhow?”

“It’s been worked half to death and hasn’t had a break in days, that’s what,” Joe snapped. Even as he said it, his hard exterior cracked and exhaustion bled all over his mask. It only served to remind Hoss just how bone-tired he was himself.

I can only imagine how Adam’s feelin’ right about now.

“Well,” Hoss huffed, just loud enough for Joe to hear, “you can sleep as long as ya want after we finish this trestle.”

“Yeah, but how’re we gonna do that without them?” Joe jerked a thumb towards the crew dragging their feet a few paces behind. “We can’t get all those logs to the trestle site with only the three of us. I mean, I have faith in you and Adam, but not that much.”

“Thanks a lot, Joe,” came Hoss’ dry reply. “Little comments like that just mean the world ta me.”

“I try,” Joe quipped, stone-faced as he glanced back at the crew.

“Maybe Adam’ll think of somethin’.”

At that, Joe simply scoffed, shaking his head. A few moments of silence slipped by before he blew out a sigh. “They’re really gonna go through with this, aren’t they?”

Hoss sucked in a breath. “Sure seems so.”

When Joe bit out a curse, Hoss didn’t have the heart to scold him for it. Instead, he used the short time it took to reach the main site to brace himself for Adam’s face. He could just picture it: forehead lined with barely concealed stress, tired eyes calculating the best way to go about keeping the last of their crew, lips tightly pursed to keep any rogue curses or insults from escaping.

And all the while, he’d be wondering where he went wrong.

Hoss pursed his own lips. None of what’s happened is your fault, Adam. It ain’t anyone’s fault, really.

Did ya hear that, Pa? It ain’t nobody’s fault.

The silent reassurances didn’t do much to ease that nagging feeling at the back of Hoss’ mind. The one that told him he should’ve tried harder to make them stay. Should’ve fought a bit longer.

Should’ve done something.

And now he was looking into those tired eyes and silently begging his brother for forgiveness.

Adam’s expression was just as he thought it’d be, except for one added element: that soft it’s all right, Hoss glint in his eyes that Hoss had come to rely on over the years. It eased the last strains of guilt and he resigned himself to sitting back and watching Adam’s master plan unfold.

Because of course his oldest brother had thought of something. Always working, that mind.

Sometimes, he worried it worked a bit too much. Hoss had no doubt Adam had taken a situation like this into consideration and prepared for the worst, should it come.

Well, it sure came, all right.

They were all exhausted, that was no secret. Yet, somehow, Adam held his own against that posse of deserters, landing blow after blow as they kept coming at him. More than two or three at a time, they came, and each one of them got hammered back down the log pile.

To the average eye, Adam was confident; he was in charge. However, as Hoss sat beside Joe, laughing when more than one bruised logger tumbled into their laps, he couldn’t help but notice the way his brother moved. Every punch held a certain level of aggression; each kick betrayed pent up emotions that Adam had no doubt been itching to get out.

Sure, the brawl was a statement of power, a testament of control, but it made Hoss wonder just how long that frustration had been bubbling beneath his brother’s cool exterior. How long had Adam been waiting to throw that first punch?

And how much longer until those frustrations melted away again?

How much more of this can we take?

Not for the first time, Hoss began to doubt they’d ever get that trestle finished.

Lord help me if I ever have to lay eyes on that blasted railroad.

Every man that rolled down the pile filled Hoss with a renewed sense of pride in his brother. Not that it’d ever disappeared in the first place, no, it just continued to grow stronger.

Crossing his arms, he leaned over to Joe. “He’s not bad.”

“Nah,” Joe replied with a grin. “Not bad at all. Told ya ol’ Adam would think of something.”

That remark deserved nothing more than an eye roll.

At last, a heavy silence filled the air. The men on the ground fought to catch their breath and lick their wounds, but none seemed bold enough to scale the mountain again. Not with a huffing, fiery-eyed Adam waiting for them on top like a wildcat stalking its prey.

“Does that answer your question?” Though the booming voice was so wonderfully familiar, it still startled a good many of those gathered. Especially Joe, who whipped around with a speed that made Hoss dizzy just looking at him.

“Pa,” he heard his little brother whisper, his tone almost reverent and filled to the brim with relief.

Hoss felt a wide grin begin to stretch his face as he turned around, just catching sight of Adam before he did so. He didn’t miss the way Adam’s shoulders sagged; the way he lifted his gaze to the heavens for the briefest of moments.

Next thing Hoss knew, Adam had jumped down from his pedestal and, after a few strong words from Pa, the crew had gone back to work.

Adam seemed caught off guard when Hoss reached out to shake his hand.

Well done, brother, he said with a firm squeeze. And maybe Adam’s hand trembled a bit before he let go. Maybe his big brother squeezed a bit too tightly and held on a few seconds too long. Maybe. But Hoss would think about that later. When he had a second to rest. When all was quiet and he could finally mull over all that had happened.

Later.

Maybe… 

As Pa rode off to reclaim their stolen teams, Joe clapped a hand on both his brothers’ shoulders, face beaming.

“Well gentlemen, I think we might just make the deadline.” With a sunshine of a grin, he turned to Adam. “You know, you don’t always have to be right, older brother, but I sure am glad you were right about this one. You knew all along, didn’t you? You knew he’d come back to us in time to finish the trestle.”

It was so imperceptible, Hoss was sure Joe missed it completely. But he noticed it.

Hoss always noticed.

That slight stiffening of the spine. The lightly knitted brows. That heavy intake of breath.

“Sure, Joe,” Adam replied, his voice the essence of calm reassurance. “I knew he’d come back.”

Hoss’ own smile faltered, just for a second, as he observed his older brother.

Sure, Adam. Whatever you say.

The minutes stretched like a thick stream of molasses, long and slow as the Cartwright brothers simply stood, catching their breath at last.

It was Joe, predictably, who broke the silence. “Does this mean I’ve gotta take all those horses back up to the ranch? I mean, we just got ‘em down here…”

Adam waved a lazy hand. “Later.” Then, he began a slow trek toward the desk and awning. “There’ll be plenty of time for that later.”

“Hey, where’re you going?” Joe called out, to which Adam flashed a grin.

“To find a cool chair in the shade.”

Cracking another smile, Joe clapped Hoss on the chest, his excitement spreading like wildfire. “Did you hear that? The Bull of the Woods is taking a break! What about the logs?” he called out once more.

Another wave from Adam had Hoss grinning too. “What about them? I can keep a watch on them just fine from here. I’m sure they’ll keep until Pa comes back.” Then, with a wink, Adam disappeared behind the makeshift wall.

Until Pa comes back. Hoss smiled as he watched Joe dash after Adam. Because Pa was coming back. For sure, this time.

For sure. Did ya hear that, Adam?

For sure.

You don’t have to worry no more.

You don’t have to worry…

~*~*~*~

As the cool evening breeze drifted in through his window, Adam forced himself to take a breath. A deep, calming breath.

They were back on track. The contract would be fulfilled.

Everything was fine.

So, he wondered, pulling off his boots, why doesn’t it feel fine?

It all still felt wrong somehow. Something within him still bubbled with emotions he couldn’t understand, and therefore, didn’t know how to fix.

The what-if’s, the residual uncertainties.

That cruel, repetitive whisper of what if it happens again?

What then?

With more force than necessary, Adam flung his boot against the wall, where it joined the other in a sagging heap of dust, dirt, and leather.

Another incident like Gabe and their Pa’s mood could turn on a dime. And maybe next time, he won’t be so willing to come back…

The bed creaked in protest as Adam leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. It wasn’t as if he couldn’t handle things without Ben. Quite the contrary. Independence was a thing Adam prized.

No, it wasn’t that at all. It was seeing his father so depressed, so disconnected from the world—from his family.

It reminded Adam too much of the long months following Marie’s death.

A small shiver wracked his frame.

“Never again.” That’s what Ben had promised last time, all those years ago. Never again would he abandon his family in such a way.

Never again, right, Pa? The bitter thought brought a scowl to Adam’s lips. Sure…

Now, here he sat, still trying to shake off the aftermath of Pa’s second “never again.”

How long until he’s forced to renew that promise? And how long after that until he breaks it a fourth time?

“Damned if I know,” he muttered to the floor.

Hoss hadn’t said a word, yet Adam was suddenly made aware of his brother’s presence. Call it brotherly intuition, if you will. Whatever the case, he glanced up just as Hoss sidled over the threshold.

Adam shifted, sitting up straighter. “And just how long were you stalking me?”

Catching the slight hint of humor in his tone, just as Adam hoped he would, Hoss cracked a grin. “I’m the last person who could ever stalk you, Adam.”

“Actually, you’re probably the only one who could get away with it.” When Hoss didn’t reply, his expression clouding over, Adam mentally prepared himself to put sleep off for a little while longer. “Something on your mind?”

Hoss took a moment to respond. “Well, yes and no, I guess.” Adam cocked a brow. “What I mean is, well, I just stopped in ‘cause I figured you had somethin’ on your mind.”

A half-hearted chuckle was the best Adam could offer by way of distraction. Sometimes, Hoss was too perceptive for his own good. “The only thing on my mind right now is sleep.”

Any hope of sending his brother on his way faded when Hoss pocketed his hands and leaned back against the wall.

“All right, Hoss,” Adam said with a sigh, “what do you want me to say?”

“I jus’ asked how you were feeling, that’s all.”

“Oh, that’s all? Well, I’m just fine, thank you.”

“Aw, come on, Adam,” Hoss pressed. “I can tell when you’re holdin’ onto somethin’ you shouldn’t be.”

A dull ache pressed at Adam’s temple. Sighing, he lifted a hand to massage it. “Don’t worry about it. I guess I’m still too focused on the trestle. That’s all.”

Hoss shook his head. “Sometimes I think you put too much stress on yerself. With Pa back now, you can start putting your mind at ease again. You don’t need ta be addin’ up all those calculations in your head and plannin’ out all them scenarios. I know yer still doin’ it. I can almost see your mind workin’.” Then, to Adam’s dismay, Hoss squinted ever-so-slightly. “You’re doin’ it now, aren’t ya?”

“Just taking a few precautions, just in case.” Adam’s tired smile never reached his eyes. “Force of habit, I suppose.”

“Pa ain’t gonna slide back into that slump again,” Hoss said after a moment, his voice quiet, yet steady. “You know that, right?”

“Sure.” Suddenly restless, Adam went to close the window. “It’s never going to happen again. That’s what he said last time, didn’t he?”

If he had turned back around, he would’ve seen Hoss’ expression crunch under the heavy weight of realization, which is why Adam kept his gaze fixed on the window pane.

“I reckon you’re talkin’ about when Ma… Well, when she…” He heard Hoss swallow, the rest of the sentence trailing off into oblivion.

Adam sucked in a breath. “It’s in the past now. There’s no point in talking about it.”

“But you’re thinkin’ about it.”

Another sigh slipped past his lips as he turned back to his brother. “It’s late, Hoss. And in case you’ve forgotten, we’re hauling the last of the logs tomorrow. I think we could both use a little shut eye, don’t you?”

“I haven’t forgotten. I jus’ figured this is more important.” For the first time that night, Adam found himself at a loss for words, so Hoss pressed on. “Ever thought of talkin’ to Pa about it?”

Adam scoffed, pulling back the blankets and fluffing his pillow so as to give his hands something to do. “I’m not seventeen anymore, Hoss.”

“I know, but you were, once. And ya didn’t talk about it much then, either. There ain’t no shame in doin’ it now.”

Adam just shook his head.

“It might make you feel better,” Hoss added, voice hopeful. “That’s all I reckon I’m tryin’ to say.”

“I’ll… think about it. All right?”

This admission earned Adam a warm smile. “That’s as good as anythin’, I suppose.”

Returning the smile, he nodded toward his bed. “Now do you think I could get some sleep?”

“That one’s up to yer own mind.” Hoss’ grin continued to grow. “I only stopped by to try and ease it a bit.”

“That means a lot. Truly.” As Hoss ducked his head and turned to leave, Adam added, “Thank you.”

“Any time, Adam. Any time.”

A moment later, Adam found himself alone again. As he got into bed and tried to slip into the welcoming darkness, he couldn’t help but think how satisfied Hoss would be if only knew.

When Adam had promised to think about it, he hadn’t counted on the fact that it’d soon become all he could think about. Dozens of possible conversations ran through his head. Some with good endings, others more bitter.

“Hey, Pa. You know how you’re able to bounce back so well after those little slumps of yours? Yeah, well, not all of us possess that special ability.”

“Pa, I was thinking, you know how you nearly wrecked this family twice? I’d sleep a lot better if you’d stop pulling those kinds of stunts.”

“Hey, Pa, would you mind taking a blood oath never to feel guilty about anything ever again? Thanks.”

“Pa, you’re never gonna believe this, but I think I’m still holding a bit of a grudge against you for something you did more than ten years ago. Remember, that thing I forgave you for?”

“Yeah, that.”

“Hey, Pa…”

“Pa…?”

“Hey, maybe…”

“Pa…”

“Would you believe it if I told you…”

“Hey, Pa…”

With a start, Adam threw back the covers and jerked out of bed. Grabbing his robe, he flung open the door and descended the stairs. He still didn’t know what he was going to say, but with every second he didn’t say it, his heart rate increased.

The feeling was akin to a wolf clawing at his chest. If he didn’t get it off, he’d break open.

And it wouldn’t be pretty.

Why he thought his father would still be downstairs, Adam didn’t know. Yet, something pulled him into the study, where, sure enough, Ben sat behind his desk.

Still hard at work.

Of course, he is.

Forcing his breath into a steady pattern, Adam approached the desk and waited for his father to glance up. 

“Hey, Pa?” he began, slowly. “You got a minute…?”

As Ben pushed away his papers, Adam pulled up a chair.

The conversation went on longer than he’d expected, but that was just fine with Adam.

Because when he returned to bed that night, his heart felt lighter than it had in years. And, in some way, he knew Ben’s did, too.

 

The End

 

Author’s Note: This little story deals with that fanon period of time in which many fanfiction writers assume Ben abandoned the boys in one way or another while he was grieving the loss of Marie. Though there are several versions of this fandom theory, I’ve always been partial to Calim11’s “Seven Words Series.” If you haven’t read it yet, I encourage you to go check it out!

 

Tags:  Adam Cartwright, Ben Cartwright, HAM, Hoss Cartwright, Joe / Little Joe Cartwright