“Uh, Pa, you know that map that you’re so all fired proud of. I got a story ’bout that. When you ordered it, you went away on that trip and when that map came, me and Little Joe got real curious. So, even though Adam said not to touch it, we did, or rather, I did. I opened it up and we rolled it out. It was so pretty, Pa, ‘cept me and Little Joe had only just finished lunch. Our hands were all kinda greasy like, and we made a mess on that map. So we got some lye soap and tried to clean it up and darned if that didn’t make that map almost nearly disappear. So now I suppose you’re wondering where you got that map you got. Well, Adam didn’t want us to get the whupping we was gonna get so he made a map for us. He hardly slept for most of a week gettin’ it done, and we thought it was real purty ‘cept ole Adam didn’t know much about map making and such so that’s why things is the way they is. I hope you don’t mind none?”

Adam slowly lowered his aching body to the ground, holding his arm tight against his chest. As a groan escaped he leaned against his saddle, closed his eyes, and willed everything inside of him to stop hurting. Before he could drift off, he heard a familiar voice.

“Uh, Adam? Can I talk to ya? Adam?”

Adam opened his eyes and waited. Ben and Joe watched from where they sat by the fire.

Hoss twisted his hat in his big hands, his blue eyes riddled with guilt.

“I’m real sorry you got hurt. It’s all my fault. I knew better than to let that horse into the remuda. He just weren’t ready to be around them cows. It’s all my fault….”

“No…Hoss. I-I chose him. My….fault.” Adam’s eyes fell closed.

Hoss sighed and settled by his brother. He wasn’t going to leave him until they could talk it out.

“Adam, when Melinda Banning kissed you, I wasn’t really upset. I was actually happy about it.” Seeing Adam’s incredulous look and his father’s raised eyebrows, he knew he had to explain. “I didn’t want to marry her. It kinda slipped out in the moment, you know, and I got really good kisses from her, and then, I didn’t know how to take it back later. I mean, you can’t do that, can you? Well, once she kissed you, I had a perfect out. I know I got all upset and everything, but that was going to be my way to make it all blow up. Now her father showing up made it all happen a lot faster, but thanks for being there for me when I needed you.”

“Ah, sure, Joe, anytime, I guess.””We’re good then?”

“We’re good.”

Good, because there’s this gal I’ve been seeing, and she keeps hinting at marriage, and well, i was wondering . . .”

“No, no, no!”

“Aw, c’mon, Adam, it worked with Melinda!”

Joe sat by the fire, cleaning and polishing his rifle. Yeah, it was his, the one he got from Adam as collateral for the horse race. Oh it was a mighty fine rifle, easy to sight, shot straight and true. Older brother sure knew how to pick ‘em.

Hearing tense whispers, Joe looked up to see Adam talking to Hoss, well more like Hoss lecturing Adam. Ever since the race, it appeared that Adam had forgiven Hoss for his part in the fiasco, but not him. Adam gave Hoss some choice words then strode to the fire, ignoring Joe. Pa appeared out of nowhere with a bucket of water. Joe didn’t miss his stern look.

He rubbed down the rifle once more deciding it wasn’t worth the price, and held it out to Adam.

His brother flicked his eyes over the rifle then at Joe, raising a dark brow.

“I got carried away with all the betting and collateral stuff. I shouldn’t have asked for the rifle. It needs to go back to its rightful owner, and… well, I need my brother back.

Adam quietly took the rifle and stepped over to his bedroll. Joe dropped his head as Hoss and Ben shared nervous looks.

Adam returned to the campfire, dropping down on a log, and changed his frown to a grin. “Guess I need my little brother back, too.”

Here’s my Hoss confession a little late.

Spring on the ranch was generally a pleasant time of hope and new life, but Adam had noticed that Hoss did not seem his usual, happy-go-lucky self. When his oldest mentioned it, Ben decided that he would send the two of them to check on the southern fences. Over coffee the following day Adam pressed his brother.

“Something’s been bothering you, Hoss. Would you like to talk about it?”

Hoss dropped his head into his hands. “I jest couldn’t do it Adam. I know that I promised Emily, but I jest couldn’t go to the canyon this year. It jest hurts too much.”

“It’s ok, brother. I’m sure she understands.”

“Gosh I hope so. I loved her, Adam. I really loved her.”

Adam draped his arms over his knees as he sat by the fire. Ben sat across from him after pouring a cup of coffee. It had been a rough couple of days of roundup but Ben knew that wasn’t what was bothering his son.

“Want to talk about it?”

“What’s there to say?”

“I expect Margarita and Don Luis are at his home by now.”

“Yeah.”

“She was quite a woman. Full of life and very lovely.”

“Yes she was. Okay, I’ll say it and then that’s the end of it. Yes, I was developing feelings for her. Despite the um….difficulties we encountered, she was…special. If Don Luis hadn’t been in the picture, maybe we could have… Oh well, it’s in the past. I wish them both every happiness.”

“Mm-hmm. Want some coffee?”

The fire crackled and spit sparks into the black sky as father and son sat peacefully, sipping their coffee, with something stronger added.

“Hoss, I have to admit it. I never loved any of them enough. I’m as guilty of infatuation as I have frequently accused our little brother. I was glad that Will walked away with Laura. It was almost a relief to have religion get in the way of a relationship with Rebecca. I know that being grateful to Ruth for saving my life and wanting to help her wasn’t enough on which to build a life together. As for Sue Ellen, I wanted to show her that not every man was no-good and that she could love and not have to beg for it. If Anne hadn’t whispered Tom’s name in my ear, I would have found another reason why I couldn’t bring a saloon girl home with me. I never truly loved any of them enough except for one.”

“Which one?”

“Regina.”

Joe’s confession:

A sadness settled on the ranch in the aftermath of Hoss’ drowning. A few weeks later, Ben noticed that Joe was agitated and angry for no obvious reason. The last straw came when Joe reamed Jamie for forgetting something minor. Ben found the discord intolerable and confronted Joe about his actions.

Joe paced and shouted. “Pa, I’m trying to run a ranch here, and stuff has got to be done right. The sooner Jamie figures that out the better!”

“Joseph. Please calm down.” Ben felt his own frustration building. “JOSEPH! STOP!”

Suddenly there were tears in Joe’s eyes. “Why Pa? Why do I feel this way? I’m so mad at Hoss for going into that river — and — and –”

Ben rushed to his son and wrapped him in his arms. “Let it out, son. It’s eating you up from the inside out.”

“I — we loved him so much!” Joe sobbed. “I could understand if it was one of us — but for someone he didn’t even know! It’s just not right!”

Ben squeezed Joe’s neck. “I’d give anything to have your brother back, son, but not if he was some other man.”

Joe nodded and sobbed in his father’s arms.

“Joe, I have to confess, you’re my favorite, and I did my best to get rid of Adam for you. When my opponents hired a gunman, I insulted him knowing Adam would step up to fight him for me. Who knew he could beat a professional gunman in a fight? I sent him off alone to get rid of those sheepherders, but he came back just fine. Next, we all went out there, and I sent him to get them moving. He got captured instead of killed. I had to try to get him back. It wouldn’t have looked right otherwise. Out in that desert, I was ready to go home when he walked right where we could see him. Who would have expected that? I sent him off with that ten-thousand-dollar bank draft all signed so anyone could waylay him, and he ended up getting help, managed to pay the taxes, and came home safely too. Now, I know he could have gone off with Laura, but that was too cruel; a fate worse than death, son. I couldn’t push him to do it. We’re going to have to wait for him to decide to leave on his own.”

The rider reined in his Buckskin as the pinto bearing his youngest son approached. “Evenin’ son.”

Joe remained silent as the two riders headed down the road at an easy walk.

“You were at her grave again.”

“Yeah.”

The chill in his son’s voice told Ben all was not forgiven yet. Ben tugged on Buck’s reins. “Joe, look at me, please.” Ben waited until he could see his son’s green eyes. “I know you and Julia had something special, and it still hurts you that she’s gone. I also know that you think I had no right to be so hard on you about getting involved with Julia, but, son, I had to be. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly. I came down hard on you, did my best to keep you away from her, because…well…I knew what could happen if you became involved with her, son.”

Joe’s eyes flashed. “No Pa, you didn’t know. You could never know what could have been.”

“You’re wrong, Joe.” Ben fixed his son with his black eyes, his strong voice beginning to waiver. “I do know.” Now almost a whisper, “I… do… know.”

Joe stared blankly at his father until the meaning behind those three words finally sank in. “No!!” He kicked Cochise into a frantic run.

Ben held Buck back until his son disappeared over the ridge, then he nudged his horse into a slow walk toward home.

Ben and his sons were sitting at the dinner table the evening after Sheba had been returned to Mr. Tweedy.

Ben pushed back from the table and began his lament. “When all was said and done, I kind of liked that old gal. She was a good companion while I read the paper. And I’ll never forget the looks on the faces of the people of Virginia City when I rode her into town! Now that was really something! Almost makes me want to have that old elephant back so I could do again sometime!

His three sons looked at him with wide eyes.

Ben gave them a sheepish grin. “I did say almost!”