Summary:  A funny parody of Bonanza and The Wizard of Oz

Rating:  G  Words:  1,560

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The Wizard of POZ meets the Ponderosa

At first it seemed just like any ordinary day at the ranch as Little Joe stood over a stack of uncut timbers. Then, without warning, a windstorm whipped the clouds into a funnel of gray anger. Ben, marched from the security of the house to the porch, and started yelling for each of his sons to come quickly into the shelter. Little Joe was more taken in by the moment’s excitement then he should have been, so he told Pa he would come in a just a minute. Adam, the oldest, more sensible son, immediately grabbed his younger, but bigger brother, Hoss, and yelled, “Let’s get inside.”

Unfortunately, it was too late for Little Joe! As he turned, a giant Ponderosa pine cone dropped from the sky and hit our hero, Little Joe, on the back of the head! The next thing Joe remembered was that he was in a strange land where everything was now in black and white, including his faithful horse, Cochise! As Little Joe looked around, all he could see were Leprechauns doing Cartwheels and an explosion of rabbits hopping everywhere! “Wow, I must be dreaming. These plots have already been used,” Joe thought aloud.

The first friendly voice was that of Sheriff Coffee. He said, “Little Joe, do you know what you just did?” Oh, oh, he had heard that question innumerable times, but this time Joe had no clue what he had gotten himself into. Sure enough, under the Ponderosa ranch house was the feet of someone wearing really cool boots. “Little Joe, you just killed the Wicked Kane of the Desert, As a reward, you can wear his boots!” It was true…Joe did need a new pair of boots. Besides, brother Adam would sure be relieved to hear of Kane’s fate.

“How do I get home, Roy?” [Joe was still dazed by the Ponderosa Pine and didn’t realize he was less than one hundred feet from his home.] “I’m getting hungry and Hop Sing will be hopping mad if I’m late!” The kindly, but confused Sheriff informed Joe,
“If you want to get back home, you’ll have to follow the gold dust trail and met THE POZ! Only he can help you.” “THE POZ?” questioned Joe. Roy informed him, “He’s the mighty ruler of the vast land of the Ponderosa, originally from a distant, unknown land he calls “Canada”. He has a great and mighty presence with a big booming voice. You will know him when you find him.” So Little Joe began his journey home, hoping to fall in love with at least one beautiful woman before meeting the great and terrible Wizard of POZ. Little Joe could be heard speaking to his horse,
“Cochise, I don’t think we are in Nevada anymore.”

Just around the corner was a scarecrow. Little Joe thought it looked a lot like his oldest brother, Adam, but considered it just a coincidence. Then the scarecrow picked up a guitar and started to sing something about Mary Ann or Mariah, but Joe wasn’t sure which. Little Joe invited him to get a brain. Now the two were off to see
THE POZ!

It seemed that time was passing quickly with Joe’s new friend, whom he called “Adam”. For some strange reason, the scarecrow kept mumbling about leaving, but Little Joe continued to press forward to their destination. Suddenly, the pair heard someone or something yell in a high-pitched voice, “You who! I’m over here! Pa sent me to call you for supper.” It was like a re-run, only in reverse! This land of POZ is a very strange place, indeed. They were even starting to see little green men in funny little green suits and funny pointed green hats, but neither said a word to the other.

Next thing they knew, Joe and Adam both were standing a few feet away from the biggest tin man they had ever seen. “Strange, it looks just like my other brother, Hoss, only more rusted!” Little Joe and Adam invited the tin man to come along on their quest to visit the great Wizard of POZ.

Joe said he wanted to go home [and fall in love with a pretty gal on the way] and that Adam needed a brain. Adam thought Hoss might like a brain also, but the tin man did not respond. Adam decided that the tin man might be a little rusty. As soon as he was oiled, the tin man informed the duo that he already had several earned degrees and that he had been a school teacher when the terrible storm came and rusted him in place. “Hmm, what else do you think you might need?” They explained to the tin man, whom Joe named “Hoss” that the Wizard was the all wise and all powerful ruler of the mighty Ponderosa and could grant any wish! Hoss thought a moment, decided he needed a heart, and joined his new companions, dancing and singing:
We are off to see THE POZ
The wonderful POZ of the ranch
Because, because, because, because
of the wise patriarchal things he does!

To everyone’s surprise a band of gypsies entered the land and were watching their every move. A beautiful, young gypsy girl caught Joe’s eye, but scared him off with the mention of marriage. Therefore, our heroes told them THE POZ owned the land they were on and to get moving!

Finally, in the distance was the Land of the Ponderosa. A giant reproduction of the famous ranch house was before them in Incline Village. Joe, Hoss and Adam were expecting to meet a cowardly lion. Instead, when they knocked on the door, it was answered by an angry Hop Sing who was waving a meat cleaver. Hop Sing did have a strange resemblance to a lion! Adam, the Scarecrow, sarcastically muttered to Hoss the Tin Man, “I doubt if he needs any courage!” “You late, you late for dinner,” the lion roared! THE POZ will be so mad, me so mad, You late and dinner now cold….THE POZ must see you now, you come!”

All three of the boys were terrified to think that they would be facing THE POZ! The voice of Canada boomed out like thunder!

“Tin Man, come forward,” thundered THE POZ. “What do you want of the great and mighty POZ?” Hoss humbly replied, “I thought I needed a heart!” “A heart? A heart? Hoss, you have always had a big heart. Therefore, I grant to you this extra large hat.” That didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but Hoss accepted the huge hat, grateful his audience with the great and mighty POZ was over. He thought about requesting supper, but thought better of that and kept silent.

“Scarecrow, come forward!” demanded THE POZ. Adam sauntered toward the mighty Wizard. “Adam, you think you have musical talent, therefore I grant you singing lessons and a record contract with RCA.”

“But I came all this way to get a brain,” complained the Scarecrow. “You must be confused from standing out in the hot sun to do your chores, Scarecrow. It was your former fiancée, Laura that needed a brain! Surely you must realize, Adam, that you were born with the lion’s share of the brains. All you need is a degree from Harvard to further impress the ladies.” At that, the great Wizard of POZ handed Adam an engineering degree and threw in an additional law degree, just for good measure.
“Don’t I have to earn these diplomas?” inquired Adam. “No. I’m afraid you’ll fall in love with Boston and never return home. Speaking of falling in love,” continued THE POZ. “You are the one who needs to fall in love. This time make a better choice. You need a woman with beauty and brains. Find someone with a little spirit and spunk!” the great POZ advised. “My hair is getting whiter and I want some grandchildren.”

“What about me?” cried out Little Joe. “What about me? I just wanted to fall in love with the ladies and then go home! I didn’t even get a chance to meet sweet Annie Laurie, or at least give a Rose for Lotta,” Joe whined. THE POZ then replied, “Not to worry, Joseph. You will fall desperately in love in every episode.” Was Joe ever relieved. “What about going home, POZ?” The all-knowing POZ reassured Joe, “You could go home anytime you wanted. Just click your new boots together and sing the theme song to ‘BONANZA’ — just like we did in the first show.”

Then a voice was heard again. It was a voice of authority and power.

“Joseph, wake up!” demanded Ben.

Suddenly, Little Joe awoke from his dream. “Pa, I had an incredible dream. You, Adam, Hoss, and Hop Sing were in it…even Sheriff Coffee, but it seemed so real.”
“You got hit from behind with a giant Ponderosa pinecone, ” explained Hoss. “You really had us scared, little brother,” acknowledge Adam. “I was afraid you were going to leave the show before me!”

“There, there, boys, we should let Little Joe rest now,” advised fatherly Ben. After Pa and his brothers went downstairs, Joe realized to his amazement that he had on a new pair of really cool boots. Little Joe suddenly sat up and said, “There is no place like
NBC!”

The End