Summary: Adam carries a self-enforced burden of guilt, haunted by memories of the past that are dredged to the surface by Delphine’s death.

Rating: T (violence)
Word Count: 6823

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A cry violently split the night’s silence and pulled Ben from his bed. He reached for his robe while his feet were propelled by instinct towards Little Joe’s room. It was a shock to be met in the doorway by his youngest son. Together they moved as one towards another bedroom, and a second son was quickly behind them. Ben found his eldest drenched in sweat, shaking as he gasped for air. For a split second he was dumbstruck at finding Adam in such a vulnerable state. Level-headed and rational, he rarely suffered from nightmares, unlike Joe, who seemed to be plagued by them.

The trio moved further into the bedroom, with Hoss and Ben instinctively performing their roles the way they did for Joe. The worried brother worked to light the lamp and cast away the darkness. Ben went immediately to his boy’s side, needing no light to guide him, and put a soothing hand on Adam’s forehead to brush away stray curls and murmured his name.

“Stop,” Adam grumbled, over looking at Hoss. “I don’t—Hoss don’t.” He shook his head as his younger brother proceeded to light the lamp. “Go back to bed; all of you. I’m fine.”  Though he tried to sound commanding, there was the barest hint of a tremble in Adam’s tone.

Taking in the pallor of Adam’s skin and the shadow in his eyes, Ben’s brows knit together. “Are you?” he questioned bluntly. “You’re awfully pale. Is it your arm?” The recent gunshot wound had to be painful. During the day Adam had his arm in a sling, but at night he took it off. “Pull it funny? Roll onto it?” Ben ignored the pointed look of annoyance his eldest gave him, determined to get to the truth of the matter.

For a moment, Joe stood off to the side, letting Pa and Hoss take the lead. He was typically the one that needed soothing, but he wanted to help Adam if he could. Yet Joe couldn’t help grinning as Adam’s lips thinned in frustration and he remained stubbornly quiet. “Now isn’t that just like our older brother?” Joe asked, glancing in Hoss’s direction. He sat down on the bed, continuing to grin. “Refuses to admit he just might be vulnerable now and again like the rest of us. Always so stoic and rational. Pain? What pain? Never met her. Or him,” Joe teased.

Adam put his head back and stared at the ceiling, as if praying for patience.

“Stubborn and ornery as a mule, too. And he calls Hoss a Missouri mule. I think that’s real unfair of him, don’t you?” Joe looked at the others one by one. “Now just tell us what’s wrong Adam and let us help.”

Moving his gaze away from the ceiling, Adam looked at Joe, then at Pa, his eyes desperate. “Someone get him out of here before I give in to the urge to commit fratricide,” he groaned.

The triumph Joe felt at getting Adam to talk was diminished somewhat by what was said. “Huh?”

“I’m pretty sure he wants to strangle you, little brother,” Hoss laughed. “C’mon, we got a full day tomorrow. Let Pa and Adam talk themselves silly if they’ve a mind to.” He helpfully yanked Joe off the bed and propelled him towards the door.

Adam shook his head as Joe complained all the way back to his own room, a ghost of a smile on his face. It disappeared as he realized Pa wasn’t moving. “I’m fine,” he tried yet again.

“I’ll get you some warm milk,” Ben decided. “It’ll help you sleep.” He returned after a short time, pleased to see a bit of color had returned to Adam’s face.

The sight of the two mugs in Pa’s hands drew a sigh from his eldest. “I’m not getting rid of you then.”

Ben chuckled and passed one to him before pulling a chair up beside the bed. Settling himself comfortably in it, he took a sip of the milk and nodded. The temperature was just right. “No, I’m afraid not, son,” he responded at last. “You don’t have nightmares like this unless you’re running a high fever. At least not since you were a little boy on the trail anyway.” Ben smiled a bit as he recalled comforting Adam back when he was small enough to hold and rock.

Adam, too, recalled such times. “I didn’t always know what caused those nightmares. The great unknown, perhaps. Uncertainty that we’d find what we were looking for.”

Ben considered his words while taking another drink. “Or that we wouldn’t all make it?” He watched as Adam’s gaze dropped to the mug in his hands before he nodded almost imperceptibly. “I wonder… might your troubled dreams tonight have something to do with tomorrow?” When the younger man’s whole body went rigid, Ben knew he was right. “It’s not wrong to mourn your friends, son. In whatever form that grief might come. You knew Ross and Delphine since you were between hay and grass,” he pointed out. “And the circumstances were particularly tragic. I know people around town haven’t been kind either.”

Adam gave a humorless chuckle. “That’s a bit of an understatement. At this rate, we might be the only mourners in attendance. Half of Virginia City is furious that Ross is being given a decent funeral rather than be treated like a wife-beating, cattle rustling, murderer. There’s no convincing them that he was ill, regardless of what Paul and I say. The other half is incensed that I’m insisting Del be buried alongside him. I’m somewhat surprised no one’s strung me up by this point.”

The older man winced, knowing emotions were running high in Virginia City and Adam was bearing the brunt of it. “We stand by your decisions. They loved each other for so much of their lives, still loved each other. Ross was sick, but he came back to himself. I think it’s right that they be together in the end. If we are the only ones who show for their funeral…” He sighed and shook his head. “Their friends will have to justify that to themselves.”

After taking a long drink from the mug, Adam gave his father an appreciative look. His family was always beside him. “It’s my fault though, all of it,” he confessed quietly. “I left Del alone and unprotected. I knew better and still I did it. If I hadn’t done that, maybe the gunfight with Ross could have been avoided. I let him kill her Pa. That’s what my nightmare was about.”

The mug in Ben’s hand paused halfway to his lips. “Your fault?” he repeated. “Adam, what are you talking about? Did you tell him to kill her? How did you contribute to her death? He was ill, Adam, and he appeared to be getting better! You couldn’t know differently. Not even Paul could anticipate or understand him. You can’t blame yourself,” Ben argued urgently.

“I left her alone, and he knew where she was. That was enough,” Adam stated firmly. “After Audrey Neely, I knew better, and I did it anyway.” His eyes took on a haunted, faraway look as memories washed over him.

*****

The Cartwright family sat around the table, passing food around to fill their plates. Ben poured himself a cup of coffee and offered some to Adam, passing his eldest a cup when he received a nod. “Did you have a good day at school, boys?” Ben asked conversationally.

A little too conversational for Adam’s liking. His eyes narrowed at each of his younger brothers in turn, trying to decipher what they’d done and how Pa heard about it already. Little Joe, the picture of cherubic innocence at just six, brightened at the question. That made Adam suspicious. Hoss, on the other hand, was picking at his food rather than eating with his usual gusto. That was extremely unusual behavior. Hardly anything put Hoss off a meal. It could be either one of them. He braced for the potential of shouting at the table.

“I did real good on my recitin’ today, Pa,” the boy reported.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, Joseph,” Ben reminded him. “I’m glad to hear that. You’re coming along nicely with your poem for the school program then?”

Little Joe nodded, delaying a verbal response in favor of a dumpling. “Yes, sir. Mrs. Neely was real happy. She says she’s proud of everybody.”

“And how about you, Hoss?” Ben watched his middle son push food around his plate and frowned. “Did you get a chance to run your lines with the others?”

“I did,” Hoss confirmed. “I’m glad I don’t got many.” He was a reluctant participant in the program the school was putting on for the community. Being cast as King George III with only a few lines suited him just fine. The others, playing colonists acting out American history, had more to memorize.

“Sounds as though you’re making excellent progress then. Everyone will be very impressed with the program in a few weeks, I’m sure,” Ben smiled. “Were you kept after today for practice? I noticed you came back later than usual.

Yep, Pa had ‘em. Adam shot his brothers a warning look, trying to tell them with his eyes to just confess now. There was a chance that dinner might continue in peace if they did so. Then again, given how little Hoss was eating, it was probably bad. Having issued his silent warning, Adam could only shake his head. Someday those two would learn, but not soon enough.

“Oh no, Pa. I was cleaning the erasers for Mrs. Neely,” Joe explained. “And Hoss was sweepin’ the floors. That’s why we were late.”

“Yes, I gathered you had done the erasers,” Ben admitted. “Considering you came home covered in the dust. Now just what were you two doing that got you kept after doing chores? I’d rather you tell me than play find and seek in your saddle bags for a letter.” He gave them stern looks, expecting an honest response. To Ben’s shock, his warning prompted no squirming in chairs or confessions either.

“It weren’t like that Pa—” Hoss began, looking earnestly as his father.

“Wasn’t,” Adam corrected.

Hoss continued. “Mrs. Neely’s hand is busted up. Some of the things she does round school were hard without both hands. Joe and me and a few others helped ‘fore we left. If it’s alright, we’ll probably do that until her hand is better. There weren’t time to ask today.”

The explanation was not the one Ben expected, though it didn’t surprise him that the students were eager to help Mrs. Neely. She was good at teaching and connecting with her students. That was one of the reasons the school board had unanimously voted to reinstate her when she asked, despite being married. The decision was an easy one as the former Miss Sims was one of the best teachers Virginia City ever had. They were glad to have her back and allowing her to teach was about the only worthwhile thing Bertram Neely had done for her. He ended up being such a coffee boiler that the town gossips had taken to calling Audrey the Widow Neely behind her back.

Ben rewarded his boys with a smile. “That was very thoughtful of you two. I’m proud of you for sharing in the responsibilities of caring for your school and helping your teacher. Of course you may stay after and help for as long as she needs it. Now that I know, I won’t worry or suspect misbehavior. Though try to leave at least some of the chalk dust in the school yard, Little Joe,” he winked. “Hop Sing won’t appreciate it all over the house.”

“We could always throw him in the trough for you Pa,” Adam offered. He gave Joe a rather feral grin that made the little boy giggle. He’d miss that laugh, and even Joe’s mischief, when he went away to college in a few months. “Right Hoss?”

“Yeah, sure,” Hoss agreed. He was about as interested in brotherly banter as he was in food at the moment. “May I be excused Pa?”

Brows knitting at the amount of food left on the plate, Ben gave his son an appraising look. “Aren’t you feeling well?”

The blonde shook his head as he tried to avoid Pa’s eyes. “Tired is all.” Hoss felt his father’s piercing gaze bore through him for what felt like an eternity. Relief flooded through him when Pa gave in.

“See that your chores are done and then I expect to see you in your room resting if not sleeping,” Ben relented. “If you’re not up to eating then I suspect you are coming down with something. Extra sleep will be good for you.”

“Yes, sir,” Hoss answered. He didn’t wait for Pa to change his mind and practically bolted from the table.

Adam’s eyes narrowed as he followed his brother’s retreating form. Pa might be content to leave it as it was, but he had a gut feeling that something was bothering his brother. Granted, it could be just about anything. A dead bird they saw on the way home from school, for example, was enough to put Hoss off his feed. Hoss felt everything deeply in both the natural and the human world and at times that could be overwhelming for his younger brother.  Adam resolved to discreetly check on him later.

He stopped outside Hoss’s door that night before going to his own. Not wanting to wake Hoss should he be asleep Adam quietly opened the door a bit to peek in. He saw his brother’s head rise from the pillow and stepped inside. Without a word, Adam closed the door and began to light the lamp. He kept the wick low, allowing just enough light to let them see one another clearly but not so much that it drew attention. Leaning his back against the door, Adam caught Hoss’s eyes. They were filled with turmoil. “Tell me.”

Hoss wanted to. Oh, how he did! His thoughts were all tangled up like a fishing net and he wasn’t certain what exactly he’d be telling. Or if anything should be said in the first place as it wasn’t meant for anyone to hear. Rather than give in to the quiet request, Hoss rolled onto his side away from Adam. “Oh, go away. Ain’t nothing.”

Dark eyebrows shot upward as Hoss turned his back, but Adam wasn’t deterred. He moved over to the bed and put his hand on the boy’s shoulder, pushing him onto his back. “Don’t tell me that it’s nothing. You’re off your feed and I’m not buying the idea you’re coming down with something. Pa might, but I don’t.” Adam was using his stern big brother tone now, the one Hoss rarely ever disobeyed. “I know you, little brother, and I know when you’re hiding something. When you’re worried and it’s eatin’ you up inside. There’s no sense to it Hoss. Tell me. Now.”

There was an implicit threat behind that tone which Hoss recognized: or I’ll make you. He hadn’t tested Adam on it very often, but the few times he had, Adam followed through. That wasn’t what prompted Hoss to open up. He needed help with those tangled thoughts and there was no one better than Adam for that, except Pa.

“Why would somebody’s Pa say they cain’t come home?”

Frowning, Adam sat down on the bed beside him. “A good pa wouldn’t,” he responded immediately. “Our Pa’d never say that to us. Not ever. Why do you ask? Is one of your friends in trouble?” Adam tried to think of anyone they knew who might be cruel enough to cast their own child out of the house and no one came to mind. He didn’t know all the school children though. New families were coming to Virginia City fairly regularly these days.

Hoss shook his head. “Mrs. Neely’s pa told her. He came to the school when me and Little Joe were helping after lessons. I didn’t mean ta listen, but I come in to bring the dustpan back and they was talking. I didn’t wanna interrupt and I heard them.”

That’s why he didn’t talk to Pa, Adam realized. Pa took a firm line on eavesdropping. “That’s a little different,” he began to explain. “Mrs. Neely is married. When you’re married, you live with your husband or your wife.” Of course, there were circumstances where couples lived with in-laws after marriage, but telling Hoss that could complicate things. “I’m sure you just misunderstood.”  Expecting his brother to feel a bit better, Adam was alarmed when Hoss grew more upset.

“You don’t understand. She was cryin’ Adam,” the boy went on. “And Mr. Sims was real angry. He said something about makin’ her bed and staying in it now and ta just stay out of Mr. Neely’s way. Ta stop provoking him. What’s that mean?” Hoss cocked his head to the side a bit. “Provoking?”

“To make someone upset or angry. Usually on purpose,” Adam murmured almost off handedly. He felt his stomach drop as he fully processed the conversation Hoss was recounting. “What happened next?”

“Somethin’ about no more notes to the house in case she upset her ma. Then he left and Mrs. Neely tried to clean her face. I went back out real quiet and waited a little bit ‘fore I came in again so she didn’t know I heard. Then we finished cleaning and came home,” Hoss concluded.

“You said Mrs. Neely hurt her hand?”

Hoss nodded.

“Has she hurt herself before?”

The boy frowned in thought for a moment. “Not her hand before. She burnt her arm on the stove. That’s real easy to do, happens ta me almost every time I help Hop Sing,” Hoss confessed. “Mrs. Neely was limping bad one day, too. And she goes like this a lot with her clothes.” He pulled the collar of his nightshirt up tighter and tugged at the sleeves to make them longer.

Covering bruises?

“Mebbe her clothes are itchy,” Hoss suggested. The hopefulness of his tone didn’t quite match the look on his face. “Is somebody hurtin’ Mrs. Neely?”

You’re too smart for your own good, Adam thought. “I’m not sure,” he admitted. “But I’m going to find out. I’m glad you told me.”

Hoss’s eyes grew wide as saucers. “You won’t tell Pa?”

“About you eavesdropping?” Adam shook his head. “Stays between us. Now, get some sleep. A great, big breakfast will be waiting for you in the morning. Hop Sing will want to make sure he fills you up good and proper.” He tousled Hoss’s hair and rose to blow out the lamp, retiring to his own room. Adam had no plans to sleep just yet. There was too much on his mind.

By morning, Adam had a plan. Or at least an idea. It was something more than he’d had when talking to Hoss the night before at any rate. Of course it hinged on Mrs. Neely agreeing to, a) his help and b) coming to stay at the Ponderosa. Once she heard him out and they planned a day for him to help her leave, Adam could square things with Pa. Unlike Mr. Sims, who cold-heartedly refused his own daughter’s pleas, Pa wouldn’t refuse Audrey Neely shelter. Pa will advise her on what to do next, he thought. He’ll know just what to do.

With that in mind, he took the buckboard into Virginia City to pick up supplies, intending to make a stop at the schoolhouse. Adam made sure to leave early, before anyone else was up for breakfast, so there was time to talk privately. He didn’t want to be in the middle of their conversation when students began arriving and stopped at the school before going to the mercantile. School had a start time, loading supplies didn’t.

Noting the door was partially open when he arrived, Adam tied the horses to the fence and made his way to the building. He took off his hat and knocked lightly to signal his presence rather than barge in. Adam winced as he watched Mrs. Neely jump out of her skin and whirl around with wide, frightened eyes. “Good morning, Mrs. Neely,” he greeted her.

Blushing furiously, she returned his greeting and added a smile. “I’ve told you a thousand times, surely, that you’re allowed to call me Audrey now.”

Though they weren’t far apart in age, old habits die hard. Adam shook his head. “Doesn’t sit right,” he grinned. Miss Sims, as she was then, became the teacher in time for his final term of school before Adam started working full-time on the Ponderosa.

“You aren’t here to check up on Hoss and Little Joe, are you?” she asked. “I offered to send a note home for your father to explain but Little Joe refused it in very strong terms.”

Adam laughed. “I’ll just bet he did. Notes being sent home are generally not appreciated because they are usually bringing tales of misbehavior. He’s settling though,” he acknowledged. “But no, I wasn’t here to check up on them.” He cleared his throat, finding the words sticking a bit now that the moment was here. Then Adam watched Audrey tug a bit on her sleeve, almost unknowingly.

“I think you need help,” he blurted out.

Audrey’s brow furrowed. “Sorry? I mean, if you’re offering to help around here until my hand heals, that’s very sweet and I thank you. The children and I are more than capable of managing. I’m certain you have more important things to do anyway.”

Moving slowly, Adam closed the distance between them and looked into her eyes. “And when he breaks the other hand?”

She sucked in a breath at his bluntness.

“I know you asked for help, and I know your pa said no.” When Audrey looked confused, Adam went on. “Little ears overheard by mistake. The boy attached to them was worried about you; scared for you.”

She turned away, her face burning with shame. “And told everyone.” Audrey hated the thought of that.

“Just me,” Adam hurried to assure her. “The shame isn’t yours. A real man doesn’t do this to someone he loves. Let me help you. We can get some of your things and you can come to the Ponderosa for a while. Pa won’t turn you away.”

She bit her lip, uncertain whether she should trust the small spark of hope that came to life inside her. With her own family refusing assistance, Audrey knew her options were limited. She wasn’t sure there was actually anything the Cartwrights might be able to do for her. At least that was the impression her father had left her with, that there was no recourse of any kind and no refuge with her family either.

“Is there a time he’s regularly gone from your place?” Adam prompted. “Something he’s been planning to do that he might be encouraged to go to and give us an opening to get your things and leave?”

“Today’s payday,” Audrey recalled suddenly. “Bert said he was going to get my pay and go look at some cattle. He wouldn’t be back until late, but I should wait up for him. He’d be hungry when he got home.”

Feeling a sense of urgency, Adam jumped at the opening Mr. Neely’s absence gave them. “We’ll do it today then, while he’s gone. Go home right after dismissal and pack your things. I’ll meet you there at four,” he promised. When her eyes grew warm and bright with the spark of hope, Adam knew he was doing the right thing.

“You’re certain your father won’t mind? I don’t know what Bert will do when he comes home and I’m gone,” Audrey warned.

“I doubt the first place he’ll think to look is the Ponderosa. In any case, I’ll let Pa know and we’ll be ready.” The sounds of children approaching the school yard put an end to anything else they might say. Adam gave Audrey a reassuring smile and made his exit, waving a greeting to his brothers as they arrived via pony and horse respectively. Somehow it didn’t surprise him that Joe was too interested in socializing to do more than shout a greeting and start stabling his pony.

Unlike their baby brother, Hoss was far more interested in what Adam was up to, given their conversation last night. Before he could ask any questions, Adam held up a hand and motioned for Hoss to follow him. Quickly, Hoss tethered his horse and followed his older brother to where the buckboard was waiting.

“I’ve got a plan.” Adam kept his voice low, ensuring the conversation stayed between the two of them, and filled Hoss in. “I just need to get the supplies and head back to the Ponderosa so I can let Pa know.”

Hoss frowned. “Pa rode out when we did. One of the hands came in during breakfast, talking about some fencing near one of the rocky areas in the new pasture that’s come loose. Pa was worried about cattle getting out and bustin’ their legs.”

“I’ll catch him at some point today,” Adam replied confidently. “I need to get to the mercantile and you need to get inside before the bell rings. See ya later.” He slapped his brother lightly on the shoulder before untethering the horses. Just before Adam left, he looked towards the schoolhouse and watched the youngest children hurry to greet Audrey as she came to stand in the doorway. Adam would always remember the way she looked with an arm around Susie Perkins as the little girl and her friends offered up bunches of wildflowers to brighten their teacher’s desk. He didn’t know it was the last time he’d see her alive.

Despite his best efforts, Adam was never able to catch up with Ben that day. He went alone in a buggy to collect Audrey from the Neely place only to find her husband, Bertram, home and raging. There was never any intention to purchase stock for the small ranch. Her pay was spent on rot gut whiskey that Bertram consumed at an alarming rate while taking pot shots at any critter that moved.

Managing to bag a few rabbits, Bertram, still drunk, returned home to find his wife throwing her belongings into a carpet bag. By the time Adam arrived, Audrey was lying in a pool of blood on the floor, her clothes scattered around her. His memories started to grow hazy after that. Adam recalled yelling her name and going to her side, feeling for a pulse. Then he remembered trying to pick her up, seeing her face battered beyond recognition, and sudden, blinding pain.

Later, much later, Adam learned that Bertram cracked him across the head with his rifle and it was no small miracle he survived with only a serious concussion. A feeling deep in Hoss’s bones propelled him to drag Little Joe to see Sheriff Coffee after school and share Adam’s plans with the lawman. Taking Hoss’s concern seriously, Roy had ridden hard towards the Neely place. Bertram was a violent man, made worse with drink, and Roy feared what he might find on arrival.

Roy spared Adam the most gruesome details when he visited and tried to help the boy fill in the missing pieces of that day. The sheriff found Bertram beating Adam and Audrey with his fists as they lied unmoving on the floor. The enraged man drew his weapon on the lawman and the sheriff had no choice but to shoot in self-defense. Despite putting Adam and Audrey into the buggy and driving as fast as he dared, Audrey succumbed to her injuries. Roy couldn’t even be certain she was alive when he put her in the wagon, he’d been that frantic to get them to Paul Martin.

*****

Adam shook his head as though physically dismissing the memories. There was no missing the worried look on Pa’s face and he gave the older man a bit of a smile; it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Thanks for the milk, Pa.”

“And for stayin’ when you really wanted to boot me out the door?” Ben smiled warmly at his oldest.

Chuckling, Adam nodded. “That, too. Never am sure which of us will win in a contest of stubbornness. We’re too evenly matched.” He drank a bit more of the warm milk and allowed himself to take a moment to enjoy the type of tender care he so rarely permitted his father to give him.

“Adam, you know I would’ve—”

“I know,” Adam assured his father. He stared pensively at the milk that remained in his mug before finishing the drink.

“You’re so hard on yourself,” Ben murmured, sadness tinging his tone. “I wish I had the wisdom, the words, to chase the shadows of guilt from your eyes. But only you can convince yourself that you did all that you were humanly capable of, for Audrey and Delphine both. I’m sorry I can’t make you see that.”

The regret in his father’s voice pulled Adam’s eyes back towards Ben’s. “Thanks anyway Pa.”

Ben leaned forward, brushing a lock of dark hair from Adam’s forehead. Things were so much easier when Adam was a little boy whose worries could be allayed by holding him tight. A grown man’s inner turmoil could not be so readily soothed. “Think you’ll be able to sleep now?”

Though he wasn’t at all sure, Adam nodded just the same. He told Pa goodnight, watching him gather the mugs and turn down the lamp until only the barest glow remained. Waiting until Pa’s footsteps faded away, Adam raised the lamp’s wick high enough to allow him to read, but only just. The book on his nightstand served as his silent, unjudging companion until nearly dawn.

Breakfast the following morning was unnaturally quiet. Adam picked at his food, feeling the lack of sleep and the drain on his emotions keenly. Hoss and Joe tried at first to keep up the usual banter at the table but quickly stopped. Adam was not in the mood and Pa, worried about Adam, didn’t talk much either. They collectively ate enough to keep Hop Sing happy, even if he did fuss at Adam.

“Will one of you help me saddle Sport?” Adam asked his brothers. His arm still in a sling made some tasks beyond his one-armed capabilities at present.

Ben shook his head as Joe and Hoss stood up from their chairs. “You’re not riding Adam. Paul said you were supposed to be taking it easy with that arm and riding wasn’t what he had in mind. I haven’t forgotten that fact, young man. One of us will take you in our buggy.”

If there was anything Adam hated, it was being told no in conjunction with the words young man. The younger brothers exchanged a look as Adam appeared ready to protest loudly. Their older brother had always been a miserable patient. They all were, but whomever was sick or healing now was deemed the worst of all.

Ever the peace maker, Hoss tried to end the coming argument before it began. “C’mon out to the barn with me Adam. Sport’ll be glad to see you while I get that rig hitched up for us.” He put a hand on Adam’s shoulder and gently steered him towards the door. Once they were outside, Hoss chuckled and shook his head. “You know Pa’s worse than a mother hen when any of us is hurt.” He wisely refrained from mentioning that Pa was more worried than usual given Adam woke him up the night before. “Let him have his fuss,” Hoss advised. “’fore he starts hollering.” When Adam gave a frustrated sigh in agreement, Hoss squeezed his shoulder in a show of support.

Adam’s mood improved just on seeing Sport. “We’ll be riding and working again soon,” he promised the horse.

Joe entered the barn and went to straight to Cochise’s stall. He glanced over at Adam and offered a smile. “Want me to give Sport a run later? Hey, you oughta seen the look on Pa’s face after you left.” He let out a low whistle. “Close call there older brother. Yikes.” Joe laughed as Adam glowered at him. “You can’t fault me for enjoying the fact that for once I wasn’t the one getting him riled up at breakfast.”

Adam snorted, knowing there was a lot of truth in Joe’s words. “I might take you up on that offer to run Sport. No sense in us both going crazy. Keep in mind that I’ll skin you alive if he gets hurt.” A feral look accompanied the warning.

“Hoss! Adam’s threatening me!”

“Joe, I ain’t Pa and I ain’t getting in the middle of this neither,” Hoss decided. “You fellas need to sort out your own problems sometimes.”

The response caught Adam and Joe so off guard that they were silent for several seconds before laughing. Hoss joined in with his great chortle. Laughing felt good. For a moment, it even chased away the guilt Adam felt deep inside. The respite did not last long. The feeling returned, growing heavier as each mile to town passed.

*****

Ben frowned at the scant number of mourners in attendance. He hoped the good people of Virginia City might see their way to showing up for Delphine at the very least, regardless of their thoughts about Ross. Or, more important to Ben’s mind, come in support of Adam who was burying his best friend.

Best friends, Ben corrected himself. Once Delphine and Ross had taken up with one another, the threesome had been inseparable. More than once Ross had mentioned to Ben that half of each letter Adam sent him from college was dedicated to things he should tell Delphine on Adam’s behalf. Ben smiled to himself at how Adam carefully guarded Del’s reputation, and her relationship with Ross, in that way. This was truly a tragedy, not just for the couple being buried today, but for Adam, too. Knowing it brought up painful memories and guilt from his son’s younger days only made Ben worry more. He’d have to keep a close eye on the boy. Make certain he didn’t shut himself away and try to box up his grief.

Most eyes were on Adam throughout the service. Some were concerned, like his family; others were curious or even angry. No one said anything to him, and Adam was glad. He had no clue Ben was giving out some evil eyes of his own to anyone that looked like they might even be thinking about it. Though brief, the service was a nice one, but no one chose to linger afterwards except for the Cartwrights. Ben took the time to thank the reverend as the small group scattered.

Standing a foot or so behind and to the right of his brother, Hoss tried to give Adam space as he approached the fresh graves with a bouquet of flowers. After a quiet moment or two, Adam turned to him and held out the flowers.

“Take one out of there, will you? Carefully. A yellow one,” Adam instructed. “Hold on to it for a minute.” Being down an arm was really starting to grate on his nerves.

Hoss frowned. “You want me to pull one out?” Adam repeated his instructions, with a touch of irritation in his voice, and Hoss did as he asked. The prettiest evening primrose was gently extracted, leaving the rest of the colorful bouquet intact. Hoss held on to the delicate flower and stepped back a respectable distance as Adam knelt by Delphine’s grave and laid the flowers on it, saying a few quiet words. At last Adam got to his feet. He turned to Hoss, held his hand out for the primrose, and silently walked off across the cemetery.

Joe frowned. “Where’s he going?”

“Unfinished business,” Ben replied simply.

*****

It took Adam the better part of twenty minutes to find her. Once he did, Adam placed the single evening primrose on the grave and silently berated himself. In all the years that had passed, he never made the time to pay his respects to Audrey. He was determined to correct that oversight today. At first, Adam stayed away because he had to. Several days spent hovering too close to death’s door for comfort kept the entire family from Audrey’s funeral. Recovery from the concussion was slower than Adam wanted and when he felt like himself again, life intervened. He left for college and packaged up the ordeal as neatly as his luggage, tucking it away deep inside.

As time went on, the guilt eased up some and the freshness of the incident faded. It became a shadow or strange weight in his chest from time to time rather than something that threatened to consume him. Then Adam missed the signs of Ross’s illness, misjudged the extent of it once he was aware, and Delphine paid the price. Everything he felt when Audrey died was back, compounded by Delphine and Ross. Adam was so deep in his internal self-loathing that he never heard Hoss come to stand beside him.

“You was dreaming about her last night. Or her and Delphine both mebbe.” Hoss didn’t expect a response, an admittance of weakness from Adam. The other man did give an ever-so-slight nod of confirmation that took Hoss by surprise. “Ain’t never seen anyone carry guilt the way you do. Take on blame that don’t belong to you in the first place,” Hoss continued.

“I remember that day, after you left the school. Mrs. Neely was different. She was—I guess you’d say lively again, the way she was ‘fore she got married. Had a smile on her face, a real one, and a fire in her eyes. I knew you’d put it there because she weren’t alone anymore. There was hope in her, Adam. You couldn’ta known, either of you, that he was gonna be there, all hat and no cattle like always. You weren’t no older than Little Joe is now,” Hoss pointed out. “Would you want him blaming hisself all his life when he did the best he knew how?”

After a moment’s pause, Adam shook his head.

“That’s right,” Hoss agreed. “You got some mighty high standards for yourself; too high. I hate to break it to you, Adam, but you’re jest human. Same as the rest of us. Ain’t no fault to be found in that.”

Said by anyone else, those words might be a jibe with the potential to cut him to the quick. From Hoss, who felt as deeply as Adam did and showed it easier, the words were plain truth, spoken quietly in a tone that held empathy. A message that Adam should forgive himself, given in just the right way. And without warm milk, he thought wryly. Somehow his wise brother always knew what he needed to hear. Hoss had a knack for that.

Hoss cocked his head to the side a bit as his brother’s face softened in a way he hadn’t seen in some time. “Why are you lookin’ at me like that?” he asked.

“You remind me of her in times like this. When you know just the right words and how to say them. You remind me of Inger. She left that gift with you,” Adam explained. “She’d be very proud of the man you’ve become.”

Adam didn’t often speak of Inger, whose loss profoundly affected him. He tried not to keep those precious memories locked up too tight, to share them, but Hoss knew it was painful for Adam. He was genuinely touched by Adam’s words and couldn’t find any of his own.  “Thank you,” he finally replied. “That means something. Shucks, here you were talkin’ about me being so good at words and now I can’t think of a dadgum thing to say,” Hoss admitted almost sheepishly.

Adam winked and reached out to put his good arm around Hoss. “Excellent. I don’t want any challenges to my being the smartest of us anyway. Bad for my ego.” He grinned when Hoss laughed, just as he’d intended. “Let’s go home, brother.”

***The End***

Author’s Notes:  Written for the 2025 Ponderosa Paddlewheel Poker Tournament. The game was 7-Card Stud and we had to use at least five of the seven cards dealt, each of which represented a word or phrase.  My words/phrases were:

Coffee boiler
Between hay and grass
Yikes!
All hat and no cattle
Shucks

Reference is made to Season 2, Episode 24 “The Dark Gate.”