Summary: While the Cartwrights are away, Hop Sing plans a massive Spring cleaning. But his blissful time alone is soon interrupted by an unwanted visitor who brings an unexpected gift. Written for the 2025 4th Quarter Chaps and Spurs Challenge. The required words were percolate, earthquake, pipeline, surgeon, amendment. 

Rating: G, Word Count: 2324

A Percolator Conniption 

“You no worry, Mr. Cartwright. Ponderosa house be just fine. All spic and span clean when you get home.”

“You’re sure you’re not taking on too much, Hop Sing? You can bring in as many cousins as you need…”

“Hrmph! Hop Sing do just fine. Do not need cousins getting in way. Now Cartwrights go or be late to meeting in Carson City with honorable Governor. See everyone in three days.”

“He’s right, Pa. We can’t be late for the Governor’s meeting and his big announcement.”

“Alright, let’s go boys. See you in three days, Hop Sing.”

The venerable cook and keeper of the house grinned and waved as the four horsemen rode away. Once they were out of sight, the smile softened. Silence abounded and Hop Sing soaked it in. He loved his adopted family but it was nice when they were gone too. And this time it was for three whole days. Taking a deep breath and releasing it slowly Hop Sing padded into the house to begin his Spring cleaning. When the four Cartwrights returned the ranch house would be pristine from top to bottom. He could hardly wait to get started. 

*****

Hop Sing had a plan and by lunch time he was one quarter of the way through it. His plan was to start at the very tip top of the house, the attic, and work his way down to the underground, the root cellar. The attic was not a huge job as he cleaned it a couple of times a year. This time he worked on reorganizing the boxes and trunks to make it easier to clean in the future and to find things when the notion took hold in one of the Cartwrights. Satisfied with his work he gathered his tools and headed back to the main floor. After a hearty lunch he would begin in the bedrooms upstairs. 

Stepping off the last step, Hop Sing stopped cold in his tracks and slowly put his cleaning tools down. Something was amiss in his domain. His black eyes scanned the empty great room, as his hearing sought unwelcome sounds and his nose detected an unusual smell in the air. Taking up his sturdy broom the little man followed a scent of cheap perfume mixed with…coffee? The trail led to the kitchen, making Hop Sing’s worry fade and his ire rise. Who would dare enter the house unannounced and then step foot into his royal domain? Rounding the corner from the dining room with the broom handle raised he froze as his eyes widened in shock, then squinted in despair. 

“Cousin Clarissa?!”

The tall blonde lady jumped and spun around. A plastered smile replaced the look of being caught with both hands in the proverbial cookie jar. “Hop Sing. Well, it is certainly nice to see you. However, I thought perhaps you were in Carson City with Benjamin and the boys.”

Hop Sing maintained his attack pose as he responded to Clarissa’s misinformation. “Hop Sing stay here to clean house for family. It Spring time, time for big house cleaning, top to bottom. What Missy Clarissa doing in Ponderosa house without permission, and in Hop Sing’s kitchen?”

The threat behind that second question was not lost on Clarissa. “Well, um, it’s been quite a while since I’ve visited and I brought something with me that I thought you would enjoy using in your kitchen.” The more she talked the greater her confidence rose, despite Hop Sing’s growing doubtful expression. “I was going to have it all set up and tested before everyone got home. But since you are here I cannot wait to show it to you and teach you how to use it.”

Hop Sing’s face grew more stern as he recalled the last time Cousin Clarissa tried to replace his kitchen appliances and pots. He put her current suggestion into his pipeline of thought but it flew out the other side rather quickly, showing it wasn’t worth the consideration. Gripping his broom handle tighter he edged closer and closer to the invader of his domain and spoke in clipped tones, “Hop Sing say last time this Hop Sing place, not Missy Clarissa’s. Hop Sing have no need for anything new. You take item and leave now! Hop Sing have much work to do and doesn’t need anyone to help or to hinder.”

With each of Hop Sing’s sharp words Clarissa leaned backwards as if to avoid personal injury by them. She reached for the odd looking pot and held it out toward the angry little man, who looked ready to swat it as if it were a rat in his kitchen. 

“This is what I brought for you to try. It’s a coffee pot.” 

“Hop Sing have perfectly good coffee pot.”

“Ah but instead of boiling the coffee beans on the stove it will percolate the water up and over the beans. And voila!  No more bitter taste.”

Hop Sing remained in defense mode except for his face contorting at one of her words. “What is ‘pu-clate’?” 

Clarissa beamed. “The water goes up this tube into the basket and down over the coffee beans. Over and over again. ‘Per-co-late’.” 

Hop Sing raised his broom higher. “I make coffee just fine. Cartwright family like Hop Sing’s coffee. Ranch hands like Hop Sing’s coffee. You take funny-looking pot and leave.”

Clarissa’s voice softened and her eyes pleaded with him. “I’m sorry for stepping into your kitchen but I had no idea you were here. Please, will you at least try some coffee made from this pot? I have a cup already poured.”

She cautiously held out the cup and saucer. 

Hop Sing’s anger eased and he lowered the broom in order to take the proffered cup. “Lady’s apology accepted but lady still not staying.” 

“I understand.”

He rested the broom against the counter then lifted the cup to his lips. First sniffing then tasting the brew, his eyes grew wide as his insides began to shake like an earthquake. He rushed to spit out any remnants of the pale liquid before it unceremoniously erupted on its own.

“No! That not coffee, that…that foul dirty water. Make Cartwrights very angry if Hop Sing serve this.” Reclaiming his broom he shook a finger between the offensive pot and Clarissa and made his point clear. “You leave now with crazy pot and never come back. If so, Hop Sing not responsible for actions!”  

“Oh dear, I must not have used enough coffee beans. Do let me try…”

“NO! No more try. No more waste coffee beans. No more waste Hop Sing’s time. Lady leave now and not come back!” He rotated the broom back, threatening to swing it. Not that he was given to violent thoughts, he might just have to send one of the ranch hands for the services of a surgeon if she didn’t leave his kitchen soon. 

Clarissa got the message loud and clear. She gathered the pot, liquid, beans and all, and rushed through the kitchen doorway with Hop Sing hot on her heels, Cantonese words flying through the air. 

Only when her carriage disappeared around the barn did Hop Sing calm down. Closing his eyes for a moment, peace once again settled. Upon returning to the house he locked all outside doors and windows, prepared his lunch, after cleaning up the mess left by that horrid woman and pot, and cheerfully returned to his cleaning schedule. 

******

The next day was quiet and productive. Hop Sing cleaned the entire downstairs and finished in the kitchen by late afternoon as a firm knock resounded from the kitchen door. The cook peered around the curtain to find one of the ranch hands smiling at him. He opened the door. 

“Hop Sing, just want to let you know, seein’ as it’s Friday, some of us are goin’ to town tonight an’ stayin’ till tomorrow. Mr. Cartwright said he’d pay for the rooms.”

“Mr. Cartwright good man. You men have good time.” 

“Yeah, thanks. Hank an’ Charlie will be here if you need anything. Oh an’ Tucker said to tell you he’ll be bringing some venison back after he gets done checkin’ on the northern herds. It should be Sunday.”

Hop Sing grinned and clasped his hands. “That very good news. Thank you.” 

Jasper tipped his hat in farewell and headed to his horse. 

Hop Sing’s mind started flying with the thoughts of fresh venison. As he finished his dinner he made his plans for the next day. Since the Cartwrights would not return until Sunday morning, Hop Sing decided to clean the root cellar early in the morning then go to town and get some fresh ingredients to put with the venison. That would make it possible to have venison stew for dinner on Sunday for his returning family. With a lighter step and humming to himself he called it a day. Tomorrow would be its own busy day. 

*****

Hop Sing finished a song he was singing as he pulled the buckboard into the yard. Charlie arrived to take care of the team. 

“Need any help with those supplies, Hop Sing?”

“No thank you. Just two bags.”

“Okey-dokey.” Charlie climbed onto the seat to move the rig. “Oh, Hop Sing, forgot to tell you, the family’s…,” he watched Hop Sing disappear around the side where the kitchen door was, “…home.”

Hop Sing set the bags on the counter then turned his head toward the dining room. Was the laughter from Mr. Hoss? He shuffled that way and froze in the shadow of the wall, his thoughts not believing his eyes. The family is back. They are back early and eating supper with… no it cannot possibly be…not…Clarissa! 

“Gentlemen, why don’t you get comfortable in the family room and I’ll bring in the dessert and coffee.” 

Hop Sing scuttled back into the kitchen as chairs moved and heavy footsteps receded from the dining room. 

Seeing his favorite carving knife nearby, Hop Sing took up a defensive stance. Clarissa rounded the corner and, seeing the enraged cook with a large knife, quickly covered her scream with her hands. A thick silence reigned as the nemeses eyed each other. 

“You dared to return after Hop Sing tell you to stay away.” The voice was quiet yet filled with venom.

“I ran into Benjamin in town today and he invited me to join them tonight. I fixed dinner for them since they had been traveling. It’s just dinner, Hop Sing, and some innocent dessert and coffee.” 

Hop Sing did not miss her eyes darting to the stove behind him. He flicked his own eyes that way and saw the pot. “What is that doing here? You not going to serve foul swill to Hop Sing’s family!”

Clarissa puffed out her chest. “Yes, I am. I found someone in town who showed me what I did wrong. I now make a perfectly divine cup of coffee. If you will excuse me, I need to serve dessert now.”  She inched her way toward a large silver tray filled with five slices of apple pie and five china cups. She gingerly placed the hot pot in the center of the tray. Picking up the tray as if it weighed next to nothing, the flamboyant lady floated out of the kitchen.

Hop Sing laid his knife down and ran to a dark corner to observe what he believed would be a forthcoming disaster. The pie had been accepted with pleasing smiles and Hop Sing watched each man dig happily into their piece while Clarissa poured the coffee. Each man set his pie aside to accept the delicate cups and almost simultaneously took their first sips. 

Hop Sing bit his lower lip as he watched Cousin Clarissa’s radiant smile slide into a perplexed frown. With expert eyes, he watched his boss shudder and cover a cough and Mr. Adam worked very hard to school his face against the peculiar taste. Next, Mr. Hoss frowned and set his cup down so quickly it nearly fell to the floor. Hop Sing’s worried scowl turn into a stifled giggle when Mr. Joe jumped and spit his drink into the fireplace. “What in the world is that stuff?”

“Joseph!” But Hop Sing could tell his boss’ heart was not in the reprimand of his youngest son. 

Hop Sing’s black eyes darted back to the lady in the room as she tried to overcome her dismay at their reactions. “I don’t understand. Benjamin? You don’t like my coffee?”

Before Ben could answer, Hop Sing appeared with the wicked contraption in his hands. “This, this evil pot cause much trouble for Hop Sing’s family. Missy Clarissa say it coffee pot but it only make foul swill not fit Cartwrights.” While Ben and his boys looked on in shock, amusement, and a bit of curiosity as to where Hop Sing had come from, the beloved cook shoved the vile item into Clarissa’s shaking arms and ushered her to the door. The four men scrambled across and around the furniture so as not to miss the rest of the show. 

Outside Hop Sing apparently summoned a ranch hand to escort Clarissa off the Ponderosa, all while the lady was complaining about the cook’s rude treatment. She kept trying to swat him but he never seemed to still be in any one place long enough for her hand to make contact. 

When Charlie drove away repeating ‘yes’m and no’m’ throughout Cousin Clarissa’s tirades, five men stood in the Ponderosa yard laughing their heads off. 

Ben finally gathered his breath enough to praise his long-time cook and friend, “Hop Sing, I don’t know where you came from but you are a life saver.”

Each of the boys chimed in with their gratitude as they all returned to their home. 

“Hop Sing go make real coffee so family can enjoy apple pie.”

“And bring your own too and we’ll all enjoy it together.” 

Hop Sing gave a wide smile to his boss and soon returned to enjoy the rest of the evening with his family. 

*****

Just before midnight, Hop Sing sat quietly in his room, recording the recent activities in his journal. Coming to the last event, he paused to ponder what to write. Dipping his quill into the ink jar once more, he finished the entry, making a small amendment to his grandfather’s rules to live by: “Never let Cousin Clarissa anywhere near the Ponderosa ever again.” 

With a peaceful sigh, he blotted the page, closed the book, and went to bed, pleased to have his domain at peace once more. 

The End

A/N – December 26, 1865 — The first coffee percolator is patented by James H. Mason.