Summary: Little Joe proves again that he’s his own worst enemy and a trouble magnet when he causes so much mayhem at the ranch that it leaves Pa stunned.
Rating T, WC 13,489

The Trouble Magnet Series:

The Trouble Magnet 
The Trouble Magnet – #2 

The Trouble Magnet #3 

The Trouble Magnet – 2

Ben Cartwright had enough on his plate with railroad negotiations and other business matters but, as he sat at the breakfast table, his focus was on the left-handed boy who sat in the seat next to him.  Staring over at his youngest son he could hear the wheels turning inside the seventeen-year- old’s brain and knew that Joseph was up to no good.  Ben cleared his throat to gain the attention of both Little Joe and Hoss, who were chattering incessantly about local gossip.

“I’ve already said it twice now, Joseph.  Angie Bradley is engaged,” Ben announced as he shot his youngest a stern unwavering gaze.

Little Joe grinned slyly and winked over to his brother Hoss as he replied, “Oh, Pa – you know how women are – you just got to talk sense into them.  I’ll just go over there today and next thing you know Angie will be going to the barn dance with me this Saturday and she’ll forget all about that other guy.”

“Little Brother,” Hoss began, casting a concerned look at his father before continuing.  It looked as though Pa was beginning to get that odd little headache which was usually brought about by Joe’s disobedience.  “You best stay away from that gal.  I hear tell that fiancé she’s got is my height and weight.”

“Hoss is right, Joseph— you just stay away from Angie’s place.”

Flashing a self-confident smile Joe announced, “You know what they say, Pa – the bigger they are the harder they fall.”

Ben blotted his mouth on his napkin and then drew in a deep breath.  The appearance on Little Joe’s face was a warning that there was trouble ahead and he was determined to immediately quash whatever plans that his son had for his day.

Pa pointed his index finger over to the living room as he stood and calmly called down to his youngest, “Sit down, Joseph.”

“Huh?” Joe asked, not paying attention to the “look” his father was wearing at the time.  “I am sitting down, Pa.”

Once again Ben pointed over to the living room and then shot Little Joe a warning look.  “Sit down, Joseph,” He repeated louder.

*** Darn it, those aren’t the three words I was hoping to hear.  But Pa doesn’t seem very happy this morning, so I guess I’d better go do as directed. *** Joe thought to himself and stood from the dining table.

“You want me in there too, Pa?” Hoss questioned as he watched his little brother move over to the fireplace and settle down on top of the hearth.

“You can stay where you are – but I will be bringing you into the conversation soon,” Ben nodded and moved across to where Joe had planted himself.

Little Joe looked up to where his father now stood hovering over him and sent him a preemptory smile hoping that a bit of apple polishing would help with the stern countenance that he wore.  *** This sure seems familiar — Pa looks just like he did the day that he found out that I set the barn on fire. *** He thought to himself and frowned when the smile he had freely given his father failed to accomplish anything.

Ben bent down to the coffee table to where he had set a few pieces of paper with information on them that he planned to use in his discussion with the boy who now kept looking towards the front door, obviously planning an escape.  Drawing eight or nine pieces of paper into his hands he then glared down at his youngest.

“Joseph — I jotted a few things down last night that we need to discuss.”

Joe flashed another smile and replied, “Hey whatever happened I didn’t do it!”

Ben groaned.  Joseph was in rare form that morning and the boy obviously thought that his quips would get him out of the upcoming lecture; it wasn’t working.

“Joseph – I want you to listen and hold back from your wisecracks.”

“Oh, Pa – come on it’s too early for a lecture and anyhow I wanted to leave to go see Angie – can’t this wait?”

Groaning louder than before and fighting an ever-increasing headache, Pa reached for the boy’s shoulder and planted a firm hand onto it.  “Didn’t you hear me when I told you less than five minutes ago that Angie is engaged?”

“Oh – sure, Pa – I hear everything you say – but like I said – you’ve got to talk sense into women – they don’t know their own minds,” Joe returned as though he was an expert on the subject which couldn’t have been farther from the truth.

Ben coughed into his hand and shook his head.  “Joseph—could you please look up at me, so I know that I have your undivided attention?”

Little Joe nodded and stared directly into his father’s eyes.  He noticed a stern glare being sent down at him.  *** Oh no—that can’t be good.  Now what have I done? *** Joe wondered internally.

“Son,” Ben attempted a softer approach in the hopes that it might put Joseph at ease before he went in for the kill.  “I went through the records of the last two years.  You do know that I keep up with the finances, right?”

“Sure, I do, Pa—that’s what you do with those ledger books of yours.  You write numbers down and that’s how you know how much money we have,” Joe stated matter-of-factly.

Ben closed his eyes and made a mental note not to let his youngest handle the books in the future.  “Yes, that’s basically right.  Now, you see – if you take in more money than you spend it’s called a profit.”

“Oh, Pa – I know this stuff – why do we have to have a lesson about money right now?  I gotta get to Angie’s before she makes a big mistake.”

“Joseph!” Ben’s cool demeanor had only lasted four minutes but that was three minutes longer than usual.  “You are NOT to go to Angie’s house – do you understand?  The last time I saw her pa he said he was going to shoot you on sight if you darkened his doorstep ever again!”

Hoss fought back a grin to see the look on his brother’s face when their father had exploded on him so early in the morning.  “Little Brother — -now don’t give Pa a hard time of it – he’s got a headache.  Don’t you, Pa?’

Staring down at Joe Ben replied, “Yes, Hoss –as a matter of fact I’ve had the same headache now for seventeen years.”

Little Joe’s stared up at his father with confusion on his face.  “Pa?  Do you mean it?  You’ve really had a headache for seventeen years?”

Ben nodded and sighed, “Yes, and I’m looking at it right now.”

“Okay—Pa – what were you saying about money?” Joe attempted to change the subject.  He knew sarcasm when he heard it but chose to disregard his father’s subtle remark because he had plans to escape soon.

“Fine.  I was saying a profit is when you take in more than you spend.  On the other hand, if you spend more than you take in it’s called — do you know, Joseph?”

Joe grinned and then answered, “Yeah it’s called a bad year!”  His laughter over his own joke filled the room though neither Pa nor Hoss had even cracked a smile.

“No, Joseph—it’s called a loss.  And if you keep having losses then you lose your ranch.  Now you wouldn’t want us to lose this ranch, would you?”

“Heck no—but I don’t exactly follow you, Pa.  Hey, can we talk about this later I wanted to go over to see Angie before it gets too late,” He replied and stood from his position on the hearth.

“Sit down, Joseph,” Ben groaned, totally exasperated with the way his talk was falling on deaf ears.  He glared at the boy again until he did as he was instructed.  “You are causing me to lose money and that means we all lose money.  In fact, oddly enough, I am getting poorer while Doctor Paul Martin is getting wealthier.  Now – do you know why that is, Joseph?”

“Doctor bills, Pa?”

“Yes, very good, Son.  Doctor Martin is paid to provide us with a service.  However, that service is being abused.  In other words, you getting hurt all the time is causing a money issue – and it also prevents you from doing your part in keeping this ranch operating because lately you spend more time recuperating than doing any work around here.  Now – what do you think you could do to help this situation?”

Little Joe drew his left hand to his chin and thought about what his father had proffered.  When he didn’t respond after five minutes’ time Ben reached down and shook his arm.

“Joseph?  Come on – it’s not a difficult question,” Ben coaxed his son for an answer.

“Okay—I guess if I didn’t get hurt so much you wouldn’t have to pay Doc so much.  Huh, Pa?”

Ben nodded and smiled down at his youngest.  “Yes, Son, that’s right.”

“But Pa – I don’t get hurt on purpose— I thought you and me —”

“You and I,” Ben corrected.

“Yeah, you and I talked about this before.  You know that I can’t help getting hurt,” Joe complained.

“Joseph – how many times have I told you this morning that if you go to Angie’s either her father is going to shoot you or her six foot five-inch fiancé is going to tear you limb from limb?”

“I can get in and out of there without anyone knowing, Pa,” Joe insisted confidently.

“Pa – it’s best you just hit him over the head and be done with it.  The kid ain’t never going to learn,” Hoss called across the room.

“Kid ISN’T going to learn, Hoss, not ain’t gonna learn,” Joe laughed as he corrected his brother.

“Joseph!” Ben shouted and then felt the familiar headache at his temples.  He tried to breathe deeply like Doc Martin had told him to do earlier in the month.  The doctor had been trying to help Pa with the frequency of his headaches which were apparently being induced by his seventeen- year- old son.  “Will you please focus on what I am saying to you?”

“Sure, Pa – what do you want to say to me?”

“STAY AWAY FROM ANGIE’S HOUSE AND STOP GETTING HURT!” Ben shouted at the top of his lungs.  Oddly enough, his loud eruption hadn’t made his head hurt worse but had, in fact, eased it up a bit.  He made a mental note to mention that to Doc on his next visit.

At first Joe had cringed a bit during the loud reprimand but, being used to his father’s anger, he recovered quickly.  “Pa – I’m just going over there for a few minutes.”

Ben reached down to the coffee table and dropped the notes he had for getting through to his youngest and pulled up another list to give him.  “Here,” he said gruffly and handed Joe a full sheet of paper which had writing on the front and back.  “That’s your list of chores for today.  You will NOT be going anywhere, Joseph.”

“But Pa – I’ve got to go talk sense into her before she goes and marries that other guy,” Joe protested.

Ben turned and waved Hoss over.  He needed back-up with the youngest as he was running out of steam.  Hoss made it across the room and stood next to Pa.

“Joseph – look directly into my eyes,” Ben commanded and waited until his son had done as instructed.  “Okay—now focus on these words.  Your brother Hoss here,” Ben paused and pointed to his middle boy.  “He is going to supervise today.  He will be watching over you to prevent you from doing something stupid like getting shot by Angie’s pa or setting our barn on fire like you did the last time I left you alone.”

“Pa – that’s not fair – there was a robber you know?”

“Yes, that’s true.”

“And I saved the payroll,” Joe continued to remind his father of his valiant effort to save the day by stopping the thief from running off with the money from the safe.

“Yes, Joseph, and that was a good thing.  However, that robber didn’t destroy this house and set fire to the barn – that was all done by you.”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Joe was growing frustrated.  “I don’t need a supervisor.  And this list of chores is too darn long.  I won’t have time to go to Angie’s if I have to do all these chores, Pa!”

“EXACTLY!” Ben shouted and placed a firm hand on his son’s shoulder.  “You’ve finally come back down to earth, congratulations, Joseph.  Now, Hoss is going to make sure that you stay put and that all those chores get done.”

“It’ll be your fault, Pa, if Angie goes and marries that guy,” Little Joe complained.

“What’s it to you, Little Brother?  You ain’t gonna marry Angie so what difference does it make if she marries someone else?” Hoss jumped in, attempting to give his father a break from the insanity which was his little brother.

“I wasn’t going to marry her, but I like dancing with her – and she won’t dance with me anymore if she goes and runs off and gets married.  Hey – Pa, if I get all of this done then can I go see Angie?”

“NO!” Ben yelled and abruptly squeezed Joe’s shoulder.  “You, Joseph, are staying here and completing every single chore on that list.  Hoss is watching over you to make sure that you do it and that you don’t pull another fast one and leave.  I’m NOT going to come home from my business meeting with the railroad executives and our attorney only to find that you are lying up in your bedroom hurt.  And I’m NOT paying Doctor Martin because you go and do something foolish like getting yourself shot or beaten up – again!  Do you understand?  Please say yes, Son, as I’ve got to leave soon.”

“Can’t Hoss help with all the chores on this list while he’s supervising me, Pa?” Joe asked meekly as his mouth dropped open over the lengthy description of what he had to accomplish contained in his father’s “to-do” list that he held in his hands.

“No, he can’t.  He’s been doing your chores and his while you’ve recovered from various injuries – almost every other week here lately.  It’s time Hoss gets a break, and you finally complete a list of chores.”

“I still say I don’t need nobody to watch over me,” Joe frowned as he shot his brother a wary gaze.  He wondered if he’d be able to evade Hoss if he tried hard enough.

“You need a keeper, Little Joe,” Hoss laughed.

“Not funny,” Joe returned growing angrier.

“Joseph, enough.  I need your brother to stay here with you to keep you out of trouble and to make sure you don’t set the barn on fire — -or destroy anything else for that matter.”

“Hey – I told you I saved the payroll!”
“And I told YOU that was a GOOD thing – however by the time I restocked all of the liquor that you went through that day and bought Hop Sing a brand new set of canisters to replace what you broke – plus having Doc come out to fix your wrist –well we barely broke even that week.  You remember our talk about profits—right?”

“Yeah, Pa – I understand that but– well – this list is awfully long —,” Joe continued to protest the amount of work that was ahead for him.

Pa neared Joe, a menacing look in his eyes.  He had finally reached his limit with his youngest.  “Hoss is watching over you and he’s not touching one thing on your list of chores.  He will be here to make sure that you don’t get into trouble.  And, Young Man, I highly advise you to complete that entire list of chores before I get home tonight.  If you fail to do so, Joseph, you will end the night with the inability to sit down.”

*** Oh no!  It’s not even nine o’clock in the morning and Pa’s already threatening me with a tanning – I’d better make this sound sincere – because by the look he’s wearing, Pa’s not playing around this time. *** Joe swallowed hard knowing that he was in peril, so he replied quickly.  “Yes, Sir, you can rely on me.”

Ben wasn’t buying his son’s compliance, but he was running out of time to get to his meeting, so he turned toward Hoss and pointed at Little Joe and said, “Hoss, this is your little brother – he is a shyster and a trouble magnet!  You’ve got to keep a good eye on him.  You are NOT to help him with ANY of his chores no matter what he says.  He can’t be trusted so stay on your toes, Boy, I’m counting on you.”

“Hey— I’m sitting right here, you know?” Joe fumed over the way his father was laying the law down to his brother which would make getting rid of him much harder to do.

“You just sit there quietly,” Ben returned sternly.

“You just told Hoss that you’re counting on him – you never say that about me, Pa,” Joe complained.

Ben pointed his right index finger directly in Joe’s face and fussed, “Joseph, don’t go there with me!  You have no idea how close I am to taking you on a little trip to the barn right now.”

“Why?  What have I done?” Joe asked indignantly.  He glanced over at his brother and noticed the grin he was wearing over the idea of seeing Joe being dragged out to the barn for what their father always called “a necessary talking to”.  Actually, there was very little conversation done out in the barn at such times because Pa’s belt did most of the talking.

“Joseph – the good Lord gave you more than your share of good looks — however he must have forgotten to give you one single ounce of common sense!”

“But— Pa – all’s I asked was what I’ve done,” Joe stared pathetically up at his father hoping that he’d fall for the sad appearance that he’d carefully honed over the years; at least it usually worked.

“I don’t have enough time to list everything that you’ve done wrong lately, Joseph, but I’ll give you a little hint.  You don’t listen to me, and you don’t tell the truth.  There those are two things to think about while I’m in town today,” Ben growled and headed over to his study to retrieve his briefcase.

“I’ll take care of Little Joe, Pa – don’t worry,” Hoss called to his father and then stared at his brother.  “You ain’t gonna pull nothing on me today.”

“I wouldn’t think of it, Hoss,” Joe grinned as a plan slowly developed in his mind.  ***Hoss, you’ll never see it coming! ***

“I’ll see you both before supper – which Joseph will be making, Hoss.  Now you keep your eyes on him at all times, so he doesn’t burn the house down or cause any other chaos today.  Oh – and make sure he doesn’t break any of Hop Sing’s brand-new canisters!” Ben exclaimed as he grabbed his hat and holster and hurried out the front door.

“Grab that list of yours and let’s get moving, Joseph,” Hoss called over to his brother, his chest puffed out proudly, happy to be in the position of boss for a change.  Those types of duties usually fell on Adam when their father was busy, but his older brother was lucky enough to be handling ranch business in Sacramento at the time.

“No complaints, Hoss – I’ll go willingly.  Hey, I don’t mind spending the whole day here,” Joe nodded to his brother all the while plotting on how to get him to leave for a while.  What the youngest of the Cartwright family lacked in common sense he made up for in ingenuity and cunning.  The two brothers waved to Pa as he rode out of the yard and then made their way to the barn.

**************

Attempting to pull the wool over his brother’s eyes, Little Joe worked very diligently the first hour as he gave the barn a thorough cleaning.  Hoss just leaned back on a couple of grain sacks piled up against one of the walls and watched, though he was a bit perplexed over the way that his brother hadn’t protested the fact that he hadn’t offered to help him.

Mopping his brow, Joe called over to Hoss, “What’s next on that list, Big Brother – I’m just about done here – all I have to do is put grain down for the horses.”

Hoss yawned as he pulled the list from his top pocket.  “Let’s see – there’s wood to be chopped and you’ve got to straighten the tack room.  And you’ve got to get that chicken ready for supper.”

“Is that it?” Joe asked hopefully.  He wondered if Hoss had noticed that Pa had filled out both the front and back of the sheet of paper.

Hoss laughed and shook his head, “No, Joseph, you’ve got lots more—there’s a back side to this here love letter from Pa.”

Little Joe sneered at Hoss and remarked, “What’s with this “Joseph” stuff?  Only Pa calls me that.”

“Well,” Hoss grinned as he stood back up.  “Pa’s your boss –so he calls you that.  But while he’s away, I’m your boss so I’m calling you what he does.”

Little Joe was just about to come up with something very unkind to say to his brother but rethought the move as he needed to seem affable so he could lull Hoss into a false sense of security before trying anything on him.  “Hey — I know what we should do.  How about we go inside and get something to drink and while I’m in the kitchen I can start on that chicken.  You see I was going to try and cook it slowly so it would be just right when Pa gets home for supper.”

Hoss’ face took on a quizzical appearance, “I didn’t know you knew anything about cooking a chicken, Little Joe – I mean Joseph.  I figured you’d need me to show you.”

“Heck no, Hoss,” Joe said and set up the rake as he stood.  “Hop Sing showed me how to fix a great chicken dinner a long time ago – but nobody’s ever asked me before to cook one.  Pa’s just going to love it,” he grinned wryly.

“Well, let’s go into the house like you said and get something to drink then you can show me how you plan on doing that,” Hoss nodded and the two of them walked to the house.

Little Joe made his way around the kitchen and tried to look as though he knew what he was doing though he had no clue as to how to prepare a chicken.  He pulled different spices off the shelf where Hop Sing always kept them and set each one in a row in front of Hoss who sat there waiting to see what he’d do.

Joe snapped his fingers and called to Hoss, “Wait!  I know what I need first – yeah – Hop Sing said to always write out everything you do so you don’t miss anything while you’re preparing the chicken.  I’ll be right back – gonna go get a piece of paper and a pen from Pa’s desk.”

Hoss sipped his lemonade as he watched his little brother head off into the next room.

Joe looked over his shoulder making sure that his brother hadn’t tried to follow him as he got to his father’s study.  He hastily dug around inside Pa’s desk until he found an old contract and glanced at it to see if it looked official enough to use.   A sly smile filtered onto Joe’s lips when he read a bit of it and realized it was full of legal jargon and far too deep for his brother to understand.  It would do the trick.  *** Now for my brilliant performance! *** Joe grinned as he turned and raced back to the kitchen.

“Hoss!” he shouted as he rounded the corner from the dining room heading into the kitchen.  “We got problems!”

“What’s wrong?” He asked as he spotted the look of worry on Little Joe’s face and stood from the table.

“Pa’s got to get those contracts signed today—or he forfeits some kind of bond he put down on that bid to supply those railroad ties!”

“Yeah—so what?  He’s in town doing that right now.”

“Not without this!” Joe pointed to the piece of paper.  “I guess he forgot to put it inside of his briefcase this morning.  Just look here,” Joe pointed at some kind of legal mumbo-jumbo he knew Hoss wouldn’t understand any more than he did.  “It clearly states that unless this paper is signed the whole deal is off.  See here – well – I don’t have to tell you that’s what this says—you’re older and more experienced than me.”

Hoss stared at the document and tried to hide the fact that he couldn’t make heads or tails out of one word he’d read.   “Yeah – you’re right, Joe, that’s exactly what it says.”

“I’ll take it to Pa,” Joe announced and began to stuff the paper inside his shirt pocket.

“Nothing doing!” Hoss insisted and grabbed the document from Joe.  “You’re gonna stay right here and get those chores done!  I don’t trust you not to take off once you give this to Pa.  So, I’ll take it to him and come right back.”

*** Fell for it – just like I’d hoped! *** Joe thought and tried not to grin at his brother’s gullibility.

“But I could make it faster than you,” Little Joe threw in for good measure.

“No!  Now Pa put me in charge and I’m gonna go take this to him.  Now you stay working, you hear me, Joseph?”

“Oh, okay,” Joe frowned and looked down at the floor hamming up his performance as always.

“Now get back to fixing that chicken and I’ll be back as soon as I drop this with Pa,” Hoss insisted as he hurried to get his hat.

Little Joe watched as his brother rode out of the front yard.  Sighing he said out loud, “I should have been an actor.  Okay now to get Cochise saddled and then Angie it’s time you and me had a little talk!”

*************

The Bradley homestead was only eight miles from the ranch as it was situated just on the other side of the northeastern border of the Ponderosa.  Little Joe knew that he’d have plenty of time to ride there, talk to Angie and make it back home long before Hoss could make it back from Virginia City.  He had already planned to apologize and say that he must have read that legal jargon wrong once Hoss confronted him later.

Tying Cochise’s reins up to the hitching post on the side of the Bradley ranch house, Little Joe spotted Angie coming down from the front porch and heading his way.

“Hey there, Angie!  How’s my gal?” Joe grinned.

“Little Joe – now I told you – I’m NOT your gal and I never was!  What are you doing here?  You know if my pa sees you there’s going to be big trouble.”

Joe drew closer to the pretty blonde and smiled, “Okay, maybe you’re not my girl but you’re the best darn dancer in all of Storey County.  What’s this nonsense I heard about you getting hitched?”

Angie held out her left hand and pointed to her ring finger and replied, “It’s not nonsense, Little Joe, Kevin Mullins and I are getting married come the end of the month.  He gave me this ring last Sunday there at church.”

“You don’t really want to settle down so young, do you?” Joe continued and flashed his most endearing smile her way.

“Little Joe, I’m five years older than you – that makes me twenty-two and I don’t want to waste my youth just going to barn dances.  I’m ready to be married and I love Kevin.  And –,” she paused when she heard her father coming through the woods.  “Little Joe, you’d better get out of here – Pa’s coming!”

Turning when he heard the shout of his name, Little Joe saw a very angry Ned Bradley heading towards the house.

“You just wait right there, Little Joe!” The man shouted as he hurried to the front porch.  “I got something for you!”

Little Joe had already been warned by Pa that Angie’s father was going to shoot him on sight, so he turned back towards his horse hoping for a fast getaway.  It was too late.  The incensed father opened the front door of the ranch house and let out his huge hunting dog.

“Get him!” Mister Bradley shouted and the canine made a run directly towards Joe.

“Oh Lordy!” Joe squealed as he ran as fast as he could to the hitching post.  He fumbled nervously with his reins just in time to feel a set of very large teeth tearing through the seat of his pants and chewing into the left side of his posterior.  “Get back!” Joe screamed out in pain and tried to shake the dog loose.  Finally, he was able to launch up into his saddle and spurred Cochise away from the Bradley ranch.

************

An hour later Joe gingerly rode up to his front yard standing in his stirrups because he couldn’t sit due to his wound.   He groaned loudly as he carefully dismounted.  Joe pulled Cochise back inside the barn slowly, limping as he walked.

“Great – just great!  I go over there to be nice and warn that dumb girl not to get married and her pa sicks that evil beast on me!  I’ve lost a good chunk of my pants along with a big piece of my hide now.  How the heck am I going to explain this one to Pa?  Angie could’ve told me that her pa had a hound from hell waiting to tear into me!” Joe fussed as he took the bridle and saddle off his horse and settled her back into the stall.  He then pulled his shirttail out to cover up the missing material and skin behind him.  “Pa’s gonna kill me for sure.  Heck that darn thing probably had rabies knowing my luck!  I think rabies can kill you too – oh well – Pa will probably kill me before that disease does anyhow.”

The walk to the house took a lot longer than it had earlier that day since Joe was hurting due to his wound.  He decided to go to the kitchen and try to accomplish throwing together a chicken dinner before either Hoss or Pa got home.

Joe looked down at the chair and groaned.  “I could use a breather but I’m not sure I can sit right now.  I’d tend to this wound, but I can’t exactly see it – so I’ll just leave it be for now.  Gosh it hurts – almost as bad as the last tanning I got.  Let me go wash that chicken off and find a pan.  Hey—where’s that sherry?  It helped me when I got hurt the last time.  But I’m not touching Pa’s brandy!  The last thing I need is for him to lecture me again about how much it costs and how much I went through the day that I set the barn on fire.”  Finding a brand-new bottle of cooking sherry, Little Joe opened it and took a couple of good long swigs.  “This doesn’t quite pack the punch that Pa’s brandy does—I guess you’ve just got to drink a lot more of it?  But I’ve got to get dinner started so I can at least take that chore off the list.  I’ll get to the rest of it later.”

The chicken was washed thoroughly and Joe paid extra attention to the placement of his hands when he pulled things off the shelf.  He wasn’t going to risk knocking any of Hop Sing’s brand-new canisters down since Pa had recently bought them to replace what he had broken on that fateful day when so many things had gone wrong.  Joe placed the chicken in a big stockpot and poured a good amount of water in with it.  He reached into the vegetable bin and tossed a few carrots and onions inside with the chicken.  “That ought to work.  All’s I have to do is keep the stove warm and let this chicken cook itself now.”  Joe decided to go and lay down on the sofa for a few minutes to hopefully ease the throbbing from his wound.  He knew he couldn’t sit but that didn’t mean he couldn’t spread out for a little while.

“I’ll just lay here for a few minutes to regroup and then start back on that list,” Joe sighed as he carefully eased onto his right side to spare his injured left and closed his eyes.  He hadn’t planned on sleeping but he was soon dreaming about vicious dogs chasing him.  Joe bolted up on the settee when he heard a strange noise.

“Ow!” he yelled.  “Dad gum stupid dog bite,” He fussed and pulled himself off the sofa rubbing at his backside.  Staring over at the grandfather clock he was surprised to find he’d been out cold for an entire hour.  “Dad gum it I’d better get at those chores!  Good thing all of them are ones you gotta do standing because I sure can’t sit,” He sighed and walked to the front door.  The instant he pulled it open he realized that he was going to have a bad day, but that was beginning to be the norm for him lately.

“You Joe Cartwright?” The huge hulking figure standing in front of him asked.

“Yeah, that’s me,” Joe smiled and stuck out his hand to shake with the man.

“Here!” The man said and sent Joe a punch to his face that knocked him down onto his dog bite.

“Hey!” Joe shouted as he tried to pull himself off the floor.  “Who are you and what’s that for?”

“I’m Kevin Mullins and you’ve been pestering my fiancé!  I don’t take kindly to that.”

*** Oh, this can’t be happening to me!  Pa said that Mister Bradley was going to kill me and Angie’s boyfriend was going to tear me limb from limb.  How does Pa always know exactly what’s going to happen to me? ***

“Listen – I’m sorry if I overstepped there—I won’t pester Angie anymore,” Joe hoped he could diffuse the giant who stood there in front of him rolling up his sleeves.

“I know that you won’t because I’m going to teach you some manners!” Kevin yelled and then grabbed Joe by his shirt collar and hauled him outside.

**************

Ben Cartwright had spent a relaxing lunch over at the International House with his good friend Sheriff Roy Coffee.  Afterwards he went to the post office to see if there was any news from his eldest boy, Adam, and then headed down the wooden walkway to meet with the railroad executive at his attorney’s office.  All was going well and he had plenty of time before his business meeting began.

“Hi there, Ben,” Doctor Paul Martin called as he pulled up next to the man in his surrey.

“Hi, Paul,” he smiled and then noticed the brand-new surrey.  “I see you finally got rid of your old rig – it’s a mighty good looking surrey,” He remarked and stepped down into the street to get a better look.

Paul grinned and replied, “Yeah, the best one I could find, Ben.  And I guess I have you to thank.  Your business helped me buy this.”

Ben sighed, “Well – not exactly my business, Paul – it was that youngest boy of mine and his many injuries that helped you buy this surrey.”

“How is Little Joe?  I haven’t seen him since I took that splint off his wrist for the fourth time a week ago.”

“He’s fine – or he was when I left a couple of hours ago.  I left Hoss with him so he shouldn’t get into the kind of trouble he had a couple of weeks ago.  So don’t order anything counting on me picking up the tab, Paul.”

“You left him with Hoss?”

Ben nodded, “Yes, it was the only way to insure he wouldn’t get into any trouble or get hurt again.”

“I hate to tell you this, Ben,” Paul paused.

“What?”

The doctor pointed behind his friend where Hoss Cartwright was riding up.

“Hoss!” Ben shouted.  “What in the world are you doing here?”

Paul tried not to laugh over the sudden change in circumstances.  “Ben, I’ve got to see a patient – but I expect I’ll be seeing you soon,” He smiled knowingly.

Ben groaned as Paul sent his surrey forward and Hoss neared him and dismounted.

“Pa – you forgot this important document.  Thankfully Joe found it in your study, and I rode out here just as quick as I could!” Hoss handed the paper to his father.

Ben quickly scanned what his son handed to him and groaned loudly.  “Hoss, this is an old document!  Joseph probably dug it out of my desk to pull a fast one on you.  I can’t believe you just left him at the house alone!”

“Well, Pa, I thought that you needed the dad burn thing for your meeting.  It looked official to me — I didn’t know Little Joe was lying to me!  I couldn’t let him bring it here to you because I was afraid that something would happen to him,” Hoss explained.

“OH, SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO HIM ALRIGHT!” Ben fumed and walked over to get Buck.  He pulled his reins loose and then handed his briefcase to his son.  “You’re going to attend the meeting, and I’m going to ride back to the house and take care of your brother!”

“But Pa!  I don’t know anything about sitting in on any contract agreements!”

“Our attorney has all the information and will help you if you’re unsure of anything.  I’ve given both you and Adam the legal authority to sign the same documents that I can.  Now just tell Randolf that I sent you,” Ben insisted as he swung up into his saddle.

“Hey, why don’t we just give the attorney these papers and the two of us ride back home?”

“Because I’m going to kill your little brother and I don’t want any witnesses!” Ben yelled.  “Now go and meet Randolf Bell at his office.  I’ve got to try and stop Joseph before he does something stupid like going over to see Angie!”

“Okay, Pa – hopefully Little Joe’s still at home and is busy doing his chores.”

Ben rolled his eyes and returned, “Sure he’s busy doing his chores!  I’ll probably get home to find nothing but a big hole where the house used to be!”

“Good luck, Pa!” Hoss called as his father rode away.

Ben Cartwright rode back to the Ponderosa with one thought and that was how he was going to give his youngest a piece of his mind and a short walk to the barn for a necessary talking to.  His thoughts went back to that morning when Joseph had repeatedly said that he was going over to talk to Angie.  Ben prayed that the boy hadn’t done that but, in his gut, he knew that he had.  *** When I get home you won’t ever want to leave the ranch Joseph because you’re not going to be able to sit a saddle when I get done with you! ***

*************

“Where am I?” Joe muttered trying to clear his head.  Blinking his eyes a few times before his vision cleared Little Joe found himself looking up at the ceiling in his father’s study.  Slowly sitting up, he yelped when he felt the sharp pain from his dog bite wound.  “What am I doing in here?  The last thing I remember was being half ripped in two by a giant.” Joe said as he got to his feet.  It was at that moment that his eyes fell on the two windows behind Pa’s desk and realized he had been thrown through one or both by Angie’s angered fiancé.  Making it past the desk and over to the busted windows, Joe’s face went white with fear and dread.  Both windowpanes were gone as were the window frames which had held them in.  He could now reach his arms outside to the front porch.  “Pa is going to have a pure fit – no he’s going to go plum insane when he sees what I’ve done this time!”  Joe went down to the floor and saw the broken pieces of glass and wood.  “If I could ride, I’d get on Cochise right now and not leave a forwarding address!”  Turning around, Joe noticed the glass which had flown inside the room and covered his father’s chair and desk.  The only piece of furniture that didn’t have remnants of glass was the small table where Pa kept his brandy decanter.  Joe made his way over to it.  “What’s the point?  I might just as well have something to dull the pain – I’m going to be killed when Pa gets home anyway.”  Joe reached for a glass sitting next to the brandy and poured himself a healthy amount of the liquor and tossed it down.  “What am I supposed to do?  I can’t fix the windows – both frames are busted even if I had two windowpanes to put back into them.  I guess I’ll just try to pick up all the glass and wood — it won’t help much but it’s something.”  Joe frowned and poured himself one last shot of brandy before he attempted to clean up some of his mess.  He caught sight of his face in the mirror off to the left of his father’s desk when he turned to go get something to put the broken glass and wood into.  “Wow – that guy hit like a Missouri mule!  I look like a raccoon.”  Joe sighed as he touched both of his black eyes.  “I never thought it was possible to look worse than I did the day that I set the barn on fire – but darned if I do now.  Not to mention that I’m missing half of the seat of my pants along with a good piece of my hide.  I wonder if Pa will take pity on me when he gets a load of my face?”  Joe could hear his father’s voice as he had repeatedly told him that morning to stay away from Angie’s house.  He winced his face and sighed, “No – he’s not going to take pity on me – he’s just gonna kill me – that’s what he’s gonna do!”

*************

Joe spent a good hour attempting to clean up the broken glass and wood from around his father’s desk and chair.  It hadn’t been an easy task as he was hurting all over his body due to the good thrashing that Kevin Mullins had given him.  Finally, he had most of the remnants of both windows carried outside and set over by the wood pile.  Standing on the porch Joe examined the two windows or what was left of them.

“Pa’s gonna see this just as soon as he rides up.  Maybe I’ll be lucky and Hoss will get home first?  No – he’s gonna want to pound me good after I pulled that “important document” thing on him.  I don’t know how I get into all this trouble – maybe Pa’s right – I draw it to myself like a dang magnet?”  Joe reached his hand inside the house through the broken windows and just shook his head.  “Maybe I can get that chicken done – Lord, I hope it didn’t get burnt while I was out cold.”  Walking back inside, he headed to the kitchen praying that he had managed to do one thing right that whole miserable day.

**************

“Good, all I need to do is add a bit more water – it’s a little mushy but salvageable.  Hopefully Pa and Hoss will be hungry when they get home and this chicken tastes good so it will hold them both back just a little while.”  Joe reached up to the spice rack and pulled down anything he could lay his hands on.  “Just need some spicing up – a little of everything ought to do it.”  He sprinkled inside the stockpot a good amount of every single spice that Hop Sing had in the pantry.  “Okay, that’s smelling good – thank the good Lord that something is going my way.  I don’t have any of my chores done other than the barn and this chicken.”  His eyes fell to the sherry he had opened earlier, so he walked over and chugged just a bit of it to take the edge off his numerous injuries.  “I think that guy bruised my ribs again but I sure as heck ain’t telling Pa or he’ll have to get Doc Martin out here and I’ll get another lecture about profits and losses.  Oh, dad gum it I think this right wrist of mine must have gotten hurt again which will mean it’ll have to get splinted for the fifth time.”  Joe sat down into one of the kitchen chairs to check his injuries, forgetting all about his dog bite.  “Ouch!” He yelled and stood up quickly.  “Okay enough is enough!  I’m going to forgo this weak sherry and go get some brandy – but I’ll fix that decanter up, so it won’t look like any is missing.”  Joe walked over to the sink and pumped a glass of water.  He decided he’d take just a little of Pa’s brandy out and put a little of the water in and hope that his father wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.  Joe walked out of the kitchen carrying the water.  Just as he reached for the brandy decanter his right boot hit onto a piece of glass that he’d missed earlier.  Joe bent down to pick it up and when he did, he accidentally bumped into the table that housed the brandy.  The decanter crashed down onto the floor right next to him splashing the contents all over as it broke.  Joe couldn’t catch his breath as he knelt next to the formerly expensive decanter.  He was horrified as to the ramifications that would ensue due to his carelessness.  Joe didn’t know when his father had purchased the thing but as far back as he could remember that decanter had been there next to his father’s desk.  Sighing to himself, Joe began to pick up the pieces and all the while wishing that Angie’s dog had gone for his throat and not his backside.  At least it would have been a fast death and not the slow well thought out kind of death his father would have in mind once he saw the damage to the house this time.  “Ow!” Joe screamed as one of the glass shards he held in the palm of his left hand gouged him good.  He pulled the piece out and it had left a good gash which had begun to bleed.  “This just can’t be happening again!  This makes the day that I set the barn on fire look amateur in comparison.”  Joe stood and headed back into the kitchen carrying what remained of his father’s brandy decanter.  “What a waste!” He sighed as he dumped the glass inside the waste can next to the sink.  “I could’ve drunk that whole thing and then broken it – but no – it has to break before I can get some relief.”  Joe turned back for the cooking sherry.  He took several swigs which didn’t do anything for him since he had far too many wounds at the time.  “All I have going for me is this chicken—it’s the only thing all day that has turned out good after everything else that I’ve touched has caused me nothing but trouble and pain.”  Joe dipped a spoon down into the stockpot and brought it out to taste his concoction.  “Hey – this isn’t bad!” He was elated that he had actually made something edible and hoped that it might take the edge off his father’s wrath.  Joe decided that he should put just a few more carrots in the pot, so he reached into the vegetable bin and took out a handful.  He snipped off the ends with the kitchen shears and tossed all but the one that had dropped on the floor in with the chicken.  Growing a bit distracted due to the cut on the palm of his left hand, Joe forgot to pick up the carrot that he had dropped onto the floor.  He walked to the china cabinet and grabbed a napkin out of the drawer to secure over the cut on his hand and tied it off.  “That ought to hold me for a while.  Now let me finish adding some salt into the pot and then it ought to be just right.  And it’s a good thing because I don’t know how long that business meeting will keep Pa away from here.”  Joe grabbed the saltshaker and made his way over to the stove, but he slipped on the carrot which rolled under his boot and tossed him forward.  It propelled him right into the stove and when his left arm shot up to block him from hitting the stockpot and burning himself, he accidentally hit into part of the stove pipe and jarred it loose from the jointed piece of pipe that went out through the wall.  Thick black soot shot out from the loosened chimney pipe and fell on Joe, the stockpot and the kitchen floor.  Stunned, he caught himself before he landed next to the carrot.  Joe couldn’t believe the sight before him.  The inside of the stockpot now contained chicken, carrots, onions and thick black soot.  There wasn’t anything he could do about it, and he knew it, so Joe headed back to the sherry and had a bit more to drink.  He knew that there wasn’t enough sherry in the entire world to ease his pain nor calm his nerves.  Joe would have sat down and had a good cry, but he couldn’t sit down anyway.  All he wanted to do was to go up to his room and await his father’s return.  However, Joe remembered what had happened the last time that Pa had come home to a real mess and he shuddered at the thought of being awakened once more by his father’s booming voice.  He swept his left hand over the top of his head and black soot hung in the air before drifting down onto his shirt.  Joe figured that there was no use in trying to go and get cleaned up.  Afterall, criminals generally didn’t take a bath before they were executed.  “Where did I go wrong?  Is this my reward for the two things Pa said I’ve been doing wrong?  What did he say— oh yeah—I don’t listen and I don’t tell the truth.  Well, I’ve got to admit it – he’s right.  If I had listened to Pa I wouldn’t have a gouge to my backside, two black eyes, bruised ribs, and a good-sized cut on my left hand.  If I had listened to Pa, he would still have that brandy decanter and the very expensive brandy that was inside of it too.  And the house would still have two windows and the frames that used to hold them.  As for telling the truth—well if I’d told the truth Hoss wouldn’t have ridden into town to find Pa and give him that phony document and instead would’ve been here to keep me from going to Angie’s, which caused most of this stuff.  I’ve been bitten, cut, beaten and had myself thrown through at least one – possibly two – windows.  There’s just not a thing that I can say to Pa other than that he’s right.  I am a trouble magnet.”

************

Joe leaned up against one of the walls in the kitchen for a good long while wondering just how best to throw himself down onto the floor at his father’s feet and beg for mercy.  He decided that it wouldn’t work anyhow, as Pa would probably go after him the minute that he saw what had happened to the windows.  Joe’s attention was drawn to the stove pipe, and he decided that he’d better try and fix it since it was the only thing that he could put back together unlike the front of the house.  He grabbed the piece of pipe that went out through the wall and tried to line it up with the piece he had knocked loose.  Realizing that it was a snug fit he had to wiggle it back and forth a bit, attempting to reattach the two pieces.  There was only one thing that he had forgotten at the time.  The carrot that had caused him to knock the stovepipe loose to begin with hadn’t been picked up off the floor.  Just when he had both pieces just about rejoined his right boot slipped on the carrot again and Joe fell back and knocked into the shelf which held many things including Hop Sing’s brand-new canisters.  In muted horror Joe witnessed each one falling to the floor shattering as they hit. He sullenly reached down and picked up the carrot and threw it across the room.  “I swear I will never ever eat another carrot in my life!” He shouted and then bent down to see if there was anything salvageable.  There weren’t any, the canisters were all broken.  *** This will most likely be brought up in the next lecture about profits and losses *** He thought and stood up just in time to hear a rider out front.

*************

Ben dismounted at the front hitching post taking a quick glance around the yard to see if he could spot his youngest anywhere.  His eyes were instantly drawn to the front porch. A cursory examination of the front of the house caused Ben to cover his face with his hand.  ***Why me, Lord?  Why can’t Joseph be normal? *** he thought as he walked closer to the porch.

Little Joe slowly limped outside his left hand holding his backside.  He had his shirttails out of his pants still covering up where Angie’s dog had bitten him and ran away with both a piece of his hide and the seat of his trousers.  His hair was a tousled mess with black soot coating it.  And then there was Joseph’s face which was battered, and he sported two black eyes.

“Hi, Pa,” Joe announced meekly as he prepared for the shouting to commence.

“Hello, Joseph – how was your day?”

Wincing his face Joe didn’t know if Pa really wanted an answer to his question.  He just stood and waited for what was going to happen next.

Ben stepped up onto the porch and over to where there used to be two nice windowpanes sitting in their frames.  But now, however, there was only an opening which led straight through to Ben’s study.  He turned and shot Joe a scathing glare.

“Oh – Pa – I can explain about that,” Joe began but instead of drawing closer to his father he took several steps in retreat.

Shaking his head in disbelief, Ben peered into the house and saw the disarray around his desk.  Groaning aloud, he chose to bypass walking back across the porch to the front door and instead climbed in through the new entranceway only a few feet from his desk.

Joe stood wondering what he should do when he heard the shout from his father.

“Joseph!  Inside now!”

Fearing for his life, Joe took a deep breath and headed back to the front door, having decided it wouldn’t be wise to enter the house as his father had.  Slowly he limped inside and rounded the corner until he stood facing his pa who had taken a seat at the desk.

*************

Ben covered his face with his hands and counted to ten, just as Paul had told him earlier in the month.  He soon realized that he could count to one million, but it wouldn’t do anything to allay his anger towards the seventeen- year- old who stood there in front of him.  Ben’s eyes scanned his son and just sat speechless for a few minutes.  Joseph was a complete mess.  He could see the two blackeyes underneath the soot that coated most of his hair and face.  Pa also noticed the fact that Joe’s shirt tail was out, and he reasoned it was done for a purpose other than to look untidy.  He had spotted the slight limp that the boy had and also the white napkin he had tied to his left hand and wondered what all he had done to himself this time.

“Well?”

*** It’s never ever a good thing when Pa starts with that word. *** Joe thought to himself.

“Oh – Pa – it’s like this,” He began but didn’t quite know where to start.

“You can start with why you have two black eyes and a bandage on your hand and also why you are limping!” Ben exclaimed.

Joe leaned forward on the desk a bit, his backside hurting the more he stood in one spot.

“Sit down, Joseph,” Ben ordered, he didn’t like the boy to be higher than he was when he was about to shout at him.

“Um – Pa?  You see – I can’t really sit down right now.”

“Why?”

“I – well you see – I got bit by a dog,” Joe answered and hoped he wouldn’t have to go right into the story without building up to it first.

“You got bit by a dog,” Ben repeated his son’s words.

“Yes, Sir,” Joe nodded.

“Where did you get bit by the dog?”

“Over at Angie’s house, Sir.”

Ben covered his face with his hands and groaned loudly.  “I was asking you where on your body you got bit!”

“Oh—I – well my backside, Sir.”

Ben slowly dragged his hands down his face and glared over at his youngest.  “You got bit on your backside by a dog over at Angie’s house.  Is that what you’re telling me, Joseph?”

“Yes, Sir,” Joe nodded.

“I see,” Ben replied forcing calm into his voice.  “Would that happen to be the Angie’s house that I told you that you couldn’t go to today?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Where did you get the black eyes and bruises on your face from?”

“Oh – well – those were from her fiancé, Pa.”

Ben sighed and pursed his lips.  “Would that be the six foot five-inch fiancé that I told you would tear you from limb to limb, Joseph?”

Little Joe frowned and nodded.  “Yes, Sir – it was him.”

“I see.  What’s wrong with your hand?”

“Oh – I just kind of hurt my wrist again –,” Joe started and Ben cut him off.

“Not your right hand, Joseph!  I know it’s going to need to be splinted for the fifth time!  I’m asking about the bandage on your left hand!”

“Sorry—um – Pa – I cut it on some glass.”

“Glass, you say?” Ben turned around in his chair and looked over at the missing windowpanes.  “Glass that might have once been in those two windows?”

Joe winced his face, wishing that he could agree with his father’s presumption but knowing he’d have to tell the complete truth this go-round.  “No, Sir – glass like your brandy decanter was made from.”

To that revelation Ben pulled himself up from his desk and stared over at the small table that always housed his brandy.  There was no brandy there now.

“My imported one-of-a-kind brandy decanter?  Are you trying to tell me it got broken somehow, Joseph?”

Little Joe’s eyes glanced down to the floor as he nodded his head.  “Yes, Pa – I accidently knocked it over and it broke.  Then I tried to pick up the pieces and – well I cut myself.”

Ben held his hand over his mouth and then lowered himself back into his chair.

“I suppose there wasn’t a robber involved this time, am I correct?”

“Yes, Sir – there wasn’t any robber this time.”

Ben leaned back in his chair and fought off the desire to grab his son by the collar of his shirt and drag him into the barn.  Staring at Joseph he could tell in the way that he still held his hand over the dog bite wound that there would be little point to giving him a tanning.  It would be a waste of his time and belt.  Ben cleared his throat and looked piercingly over at Joe and said, “I want you to start from the beginning and I don’t want a lengthy explanation of all that went on today either, Young Man.  Just give me the highlights – or rather — lowlights of what you have been up to.  And you’d better tell me the truth this time because your life hangs in the balances right now.”

Little Joe frowned and dropped his gaze.  He dreaded what would follow but he had been ordered to explain so he’d just have to do his best to tell the sad tale of what he had done that day.  He wished that he could leave out a few things because at the present time Pa was looking at him much like Angie’s dog had right before it had taken a chunk out of his backside.  Drawing in a deep breath Joe went on to tell Pa everything that he had done wrong and all that had happened because of it.

************

Almost thirty full minutes later, Ben rubbed at his temples and tried to piece together everything that Joseph had divulged to him.  The boy still stood there in front of him half leaning on the desk and with his left hand covering his dog-bitten backside.

“Okay, let me see if I have this correctly,” Pa began and closed his eyes for a minute willing his headache away, however, Joseph still stood there in front of him.  “You were told this morning to stay here and get those chores done and to stay away from Angie, her father and her fiancé.  Once I left you sent Hoss on a wild goose chase with that phony document and then proceeded to go to Angie’s anyhow.  Once you get there you learn that she really is engaged – just like I told you several times before I left for town.  Her father comes and sicks his dog on you.  You run to your horse – but the dog runs faster and bites you on your backside.  You mount your horse to make your escape then a little while later Angie’s boyfriend shows up here and decides to teach you some manners by beating you up a bit and throwing you through one or two of the windows on the porch.  Later you knock over my one-of-a-kind brandy decanter and break it into a million pieces, one of which cuts the palm of your left hand.  You already hurt your ribs and your right wrist, which has to be put back into a splint for the fifth time, during your fight with Goliath.  Later, after you attempt to complete one thing on that list I gave you, you ruin the chicken dinner because you slipped and knocked the stovepipe loose dumping soot all over the food, the floor and you.”

Joe stood in front of his father and didn’t make a sound during the lengthy recital of his many blunders and sins committed that day.

“Joseph?”

“Yes, Pa?”

“Do you hate me?”

“Heck no, Pa!  Why would you even think that?”

“Because for some reason you’re trying to put me into an early grave,” Ben sighed exasperatedly.

“I’m sorry, Pa – I mean some of what happened was just an accident, you know?”

Ben glared at his son again and replied, “Accident?  Like sending your brother away?”

“No – that part wasn’t an accident – that was part of what you said this morning – I don’t listen too well.”

“I didn’t say that.   I said that you don’t listen to me, and you don’t tell the truth.  And I’d say that lie you told your brother would fall into the not telling the truth category,” Ben remarked sternly.

Little Joe shrugged his shoulders and returned, “I’ll work on those, Pa – honest I will.  But, well, you know a lot of what happened was an accident like your brandy decanter and me knocking into that stove pipe.”

“And what about the rest of it – like going to Angie’s and the fact that we are missing part of the house?” Ben pointed to the damage behind his desk.

“I know,” Joe looked down at the floor sullenly and this time he wasn’t doing an acting job but truly felt remorseful at the time.

“Joseph, you brought on all that trouble yourself.”

Nodding his head, Little Joe finally made eye-contact with his father and said with a wry smile, “I know – I know it’s just like you said – I’m a trouble magnet.”

Ben stared at his son hard and finally shook his head and sighed, “At the very least you finally admit it.”

“Um – Pa?  I guess you’re pretty mad, huh?  I mean, I’m sorry for all that I got myself in to today.  I know you didn’t want to come home to all these problems.”

Ben stared over at his youngest standing there in front of him.  He was a complete and total wreck.  Joe’s hair was covered in soot, as was his face.  His shirt was untucked and half of the buttons were missing, and the shirttails were hiding the missing patch of his pants where the dog got a good solid bite into him.  Ben wished that he could let loose on the kid due to all that he’d done that day.  But realizing that Joe was feeling bad enough at the time he just couldn’t bring himself to yell at him anymore.  Pa cleared his throat and chose his words carefully before answering his son’s question.

“Well, Joseph, I was right about you getting hurt if you went over to Angie’s and I was also right about something else,” He paused as Joe looked over at him.  “I told you that if you didn’t do everything that I told you to do today that you would end up with the inability to sit down.  I guess Angie’s dog saved you and me from heading out to the barn right about now — consider yourself lucky, Young Man, you got off easy!”

Little Joe looked down at the floor, his face red with embarrassment as he rubbed at his backside.  “I don’t feel lucky, Pa – I feel bit.”

Ben fought back a smile over what his son had said.  “Okay, Joseph, you need to go get yourself washed off so I can patch you up,” Pa announced standing from his desk.  He turned his son toward the stairs.  “Don’t expect too much comforting from me this time, Joseph – not after all of your shenanigans!”

Little Joe walked gingerly to the staircase alongside his father.  He had to admit the fact that he looked like a walking accident.  Joe didn’t know which one of his injuries hurt worse.  There was his right wrist which ached and needed to be put back into a splint along with his bruised ribs which were smarting quite a bit.  As he began to climb the stairs the pain from his dog bite topped all his other injuries and he couldn’t help groaning because of it.

Pa looked over at the pitiful looking young man to his left and dropped an arm across his shoulder.  “Alright,” Ben sighed.  “Maybe I’ll show you a little compassion once I tend those wounds of yours.  But if I’ve got to bring Doc Martin here to set that wrist of yours you will be paying the bill.”

“Okay, Pa,” Joe agreed.  “I guess it’s the least I can do after I busted Hop Sing’s new canister set.”

Ben stopped in mid-stride and stared hard at his son.  “Joseph, please don’t tell me anything else until tomorrow.”

“Yes, Sir – that’s probably a good idea,” Joe returned scrunching up his face.  He had yet to tell his father about some of the other damage he had caused that day.

Ben hadn’t missed the expression on Joe’s face; he’d seen it too many times before and it was never a good sign.  “Joseph, I don’t want to know.”

*************

Later that evening, after Hoss had made it home and Little Joe had gotten a bath to rid himself of the soot from the stove pipe, Ben readied to go upstairs and tend his son’s dog bite.  He had already looked over the cut on his son’s hand and checked his right wrist which now had a splint on it for the fifth time in as many months.

“Well, I guess it’s about time I fixed up your little brother’s injury,” Ben said as he carried in a tray with medicine on it to take upstairs.

Before Hoss could reply, the front door flew open and Adam walked in with his Colt revolver drawn.

“Adam?” Ben called across the room surprised that his eldest had made it back from Sacramento so soon.

Adam’s eyes scanned the room as if there was an assailant somewhere hiding.  “Are the two of you okay?” He whispered.

“Put down your gun, Adam, everything is fine,” Ben answered.

“What’s with busting in here with your gun drawn, Brother?” Hoss asked.

“Was it a band of outlaws?” Adam returned, still not holstering his weapon.

“Huh?” Hoss stared over at his brother, still confused.

“Indians attack you?”

Ben finally figured out why his eldest was on edge.  “No, Son.”

Adam sighed wearily and tried one last time, “Little Joe?”

Ben groaned as he answered, “Yes.”

Frowning as he shook his head, Adam settled his gun inside his holster.  “Kid took out both of those windows?”

Hoss laughed, “Oh – yeah that was our little brother – he done it today.”

Adam tossed his hat onto the credenza and unbuckled his holster.  “It figures – just another typical day at home, huh?”

“Yeah, Adam, Pa’s getting ready to go and tend Little Joe’s wounds right now.”

Adam stretched out on the settee and stared over at his father.  “Well other than destroying the front of our house what happened to Joe today, Pa?”

Ben sighed and shrugged his shoulders as he made his way to the stairs, tray in hand.  “It’s a very long story, Son.  Right now, I’ve got a dog bite to tend.”

“Best not ask anymore right now, Adam.  You want some eggs – I made extra?” Hoss offered.

“Eggs?  I was kind of hoping for a real meal after riding as far as I did today.”

“Yeah – well it took me awhile to fix the stove – Little Joe sort of dislodged the stove pipe after he tore up the rest of the house.”

“Hoss!” Ben called from the stairs.  “Let’s not go into what happened right now – let your brother get in and relax.  Go fix him some eggs and toast and maybe tomorrow night I’ll make a real meal.”

“Okay, Pa,” Hoss answered and watched his father climb the stairs heading to Joe’s bedroom.

“He doesn’t sound happy,” Adam called across to Hoss.  “Where did Little Joe get bit?”

Hoss grinned as he stood to get his brother some food.  “Well, it’s like this, Adam.  I always told Little Joe that he’d get his in the end.”

“Huh?” Adam asked as Hoss walked away laughing.  When he didn’t get an answer, he followed his brother into the kitchen to find out what had happened.

*************

“Now come on, Joseph, it’s not like I haven’t seen your backside before,” Pa complained standing outside of his youngest son’s room.

“I’m not ready yet,” Joe called from inside the bedroom.  Before he had taken his bath he had shucked his pants and long john bottoms, or what was left of them after going up against the beast of a dog who had attacked him over at Angie’s house.

“Joseph—I was the one who diapered you, you know?”

“Pa – that was years ago,” Joe complained as he grabbed the flat sheet from his bed and wrapped it around his waist.

*** Years ago?  Seems like yesterday to me. *** Ben thought to himself, a sentimental smile playing on his lips.

“You want me to go get Doc Martin to do this?” He threatened.

“Heck no!” Joe shouted and moved over to the head of his bed.  “Okay – come on in, Pa.”

Ben entered the bedroom; a tray filled with numerous remedies in his hand.  He set the tray onto the nightstand and stared over at his boy.  He noticed that Joe had gone down onto one side and he was facing away from him.

“Now, let’s have a look,” Ben said and went for the sheet.

“Wait!” Joe insisted and dropped his hand behind his back.  “I – well – I’ll just pull a little of the sheet out of the way, Pa.”

“Go ahead,” Ben sighed wearily. *** If only Joseph was this shy around the girls that he always tried to impress with his good looks. ***

Joe carefully removed just enough of the sheet to expose his left butt cheek.  He was glad that Pa couldn’t see his face at that moment because it was beet-red.

“Face down, Joseph, not on your side,” Ben ordered.

“If I have to,” Joe groaned and rolled onto his stomach, planting his face into his pillow.

“Okay let me take a good look and see what we have here,” Pa got closer and inspected the good-sized bite to his son’s posterior.  “Hum – that dog sure got you good, Joseph.  Good thing it didn’t bite both sides – I guess you turned the other cheek, huh?” Ben chuckled.

“Not funny, Pa,” Joe grimaced and tried to pull the pillow over his head.  “This is embarrassing, you know?”

“Didn’t I tell you at least a hundred times not to go over to Angie’s house today?”

“Oh, come on, Pa – I feel bad enough do you have to rub it in?”

“Yes — -I do,” Ben chuckled and sent a sharp swat to the uninjured part of his son’s backside.  “I have to rub in this ointment, so you don’t end up getting an infection.  I still might need Doc to take a look at this.”

“I’d rather die,” Joe moaned.  “Is it very bad, Pa?  I can’t see it, you know?”

“Well,” Pa paused and touched at the wound.  “It’s a bit deep – but then dog bites generally are.”

“Dog heck, Pa!  It was the size of a wolf!”

Ben laughed as he wrung the washcloth out in the basin and rubbed the lye soap across it.  “You sure that it wasn’t?  I heard that Angie’s father has a penchant for wild animals—maybe he raised a wolf cub?”

“Not helping, Pa,” Joe groaned.

“Sorry,” Pa grinned and swiped the washcloth over his son’s injury.

“Ouch!”  Joe yelled and pulled himself up onto his elbows.

“You lay still, Young Man!  This is going to hurt – so just tough it out.  You got off lucky tonight as the two of us would’ve ended up out in the barn for a very necessary talking to but because of this injury, you’ll only end up hurting on one of your cheeks!”

“It just hasn’t been my day,” Joe sighed and settled back down onto the mattress.  “Gosh, Pa – things just kind of escalated today—I really messed up big time.  I’m sorry for all the damage I caused to the house – and your decanter and well everything.”

Ben rinsed the washcloth out and then swiped it one more time across his son’s backside.  “Now do you mean that, Joseph—or are you saying it because I have you at a disadvantage right now?”

Joe grinned to himself and replied, “Yes—to both – I do mean it and you do have me at a disadvantage, Pa.  I mean—you’re too close to being able to get either side right now so I’m trying my best to cooperate.”

Ben turned to the nightstand and grabbed the strong tincture he had brought up with him.  “This is going to smart, Son, so hold onto that pillow of yours for a minute.”

Joe grabbed the pillow and readied himself for the medicine.  He soon felt his father’s fingers spreading it out over his wound. “Yikes!  Smarts? No, Pa – it’s like pure fire!”

“I hate to tell you this – but I only just started.  There’s more doctoring ahead for you.  That dog or wolf took off some of your hide –so I’ve got work to do.   And, if it’s not better by tomorrow, I’m bringing Doc in on this.”

“Just my luck – okay, Pa do what you can.”

“That’s a good soldier,” Ben chuckled and couldn’t help swatting his son’s other cheek for effect.

After spending a good twenty minutes doctoring his son’s injury, Pa closed all the medicine containers and set them aside.  “You can roll back over now, Joseph.”

Slow and gingerly, Joe made his way onto his back.  He stared up at the man who, for all intents and purposes should be furious with him over the damage he had done to the house and how he had disobeyed his orders, but instead Pa was there smiling at him.

“I know I said it already – but I’m really sorry, Pa,” Joe whispered.

“I know you are,” Ben nodded and swept his hand through the boy’s hair.  “Maybe after going through all of this, you’ll actually learn something?”

“Yes, Sir – I learned that I can’t outrun a wolf!”

Ben set the medicine onto the tray and then glanced down at his boy.  Joe looked tired from all he had gone through that day.  He settled down on the bed next to the boy and placed a hand up to his face.

“Joseph, sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get through your teenage years,” He admitted wearily.

Joe frowned and nodded, “I know, Pa – I’m not sure that I’ll get through them either.”

“Now, I’ve told you about being responsible for the damage and that means you’re going to pay for all the cost of replacing those windows and the canisters – as well as my brandy decanter.”

“Yes, Sir – I already told you when you were doctoring my cut and putting this splint back on my wrist that I’ll give you the money I’ve been saving for that rifle.”

“And – your next four months of wages,” Ben reminded his son.

“Yeah, Pa – I know – it was my fault, so I’ll do whatever it takes to help pay for everything.”

Pa patted his son’s arm and smiled at his boy.  “That just might be the best way for you to learn—Lord knows I’ve tried about everything else with you, Joseph.”

Ben watched as his son’s eyes seemed to glaze up and he detected the first regretful tears of the night in them.  “It’s okay, Joseph, all is forgiven,” He whispered.  Pa could tell that his youngest was indeed sorry for all the damage he had caused as the need for his father’s forgiveness was written all over the boy’s face.  Joseph was aggravating, hard-headed, and a real handful at times.  But underneath his disobedience, scheming and stubbornness, he was also well-meaning and not a bad kid even though he could drive his father to drink at times.

“If you’re careful,” Pa nodded and held his arms out to his son.  “Watch what side you lean on.”

Joe precariously pulled himself up on the bed, trying his best not to lean on his injury too much.  He eased into the waiting arms of his pa and held onto him.

“Thanks, Pa,” He whispered.

“Oh, Joseph— you are indeed a trouble magnet,” Pa sighed as he once again ran his fingers through his son’s hair while holding him in his loving embrace to prove that he had forgiven him.  “But you’re my trouble magnet—so I guess I’ll just have to learn to live with it.”

The End (pun intended)

Written by Wrangler

3/8/2026

(Dedicated to Rob the story consultant for going to great lengths to put up with me writing this sequel.)