Summary: Following the success of their appearance on The Dating Game, the Cartwright Brothers take on the Bolt Brothers of Seattle in the Virginia City premier of a new game show. (A Bonanza/Here Come the Brides crossover)

Rating: T   Word Count: 1975

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You’re about to enter an alternate dimension, an alien and uncharted territory, the boundaries of which are imagination and the enigmatic influence of a fictional nineteenth century icon of the American West. There are no signposts, no trail markings to indicate what lies ahead, which might be anything from the mildly humorous to the absurd. To the traveler, forewarned is forearmed. Discard all preconceived notions and stow your expectations. Venture, if you dare, into The Cartwright Zone…

 

BROTHERS FAMILY FEUD

 

“Hello everyone, and welcome to tonight’s premier edition of Brothers Family Feud, live from Piper’s Opera House in beautiful downtown Virginia City. I’m your host, Bob Weebanks. Let’s meet our home team, the Cartwright brothers. (applause, applause, applause)  Welcome, gentlemen, and introduce yourselves, please.”

“Thank you, Bob. I’m Adam and these are my brothers, Hoss and Joe.”

Bob: “Of course. I remember you all from last season’s Dating Game. Actually, you’re what gave us the idea for this show, brothers competing against brothers. Adam, as team captain, tell our audience a little about the Cartwrights.”

Adam: “Well, as most everyone here knows, we’re a ranching family; along with our father we own about 1000 square miles of prime real estate here in Nevada, including the Ponderosa ranch and a lumber operation near the Truckee River.”

Bob: “Very impressive. We’ll talk more in a moment, but now let’s welcome our challengers, the Bolt brothers of Seattle. (applause, applause, applause)  Introduce yourselves, gentlemen.”

“Thank you, we’re happy to be here, Bob. I’m Jason, and these are my younger brothers, Joshua and Jeremy.”

Bob: “Tell us about the Bolt brothers, Jason.”

Jason: “We’re a second generation logging family with a large operation on our own private mountain, and we’re also partners in the largest import/export company in Washington Territory.”

Bob: “Which reminds me, is it true that you imported 100 young single women from New England to Seattle as prospective brides for the loggers in your employ?”

Jason: “It’s absolutely true, Bob.”

Bob: “How did you manage that?”

Adam (looking incredulous): “Yes, how?”

Jason (flashing a brilliant smile toward Adam): “Let’s just say I’m known for my powers of persuasion, among other talents.”

Bob: “Well, it looks like a great match up, folks, so let’s get started. Captains, face off.”

(Adam and Jason shake hands)

Bob: “Remember, the person who rings in first with the higher answer may choose to pass or play. Fifty men were surveyed, and the top five answers to the following question are on the board.”

What is the best color for a woman’s dress?

DING!  TEAM BOLT

Jason (confidently): “Blue like the Seattle skies.”

Joshua and Jeremy: “Good answer, good answer!”

(Joe and Hoss snickering)

Bob: “Survey says… DING! BLUE is number 5. Adam, there are four answers remaining, and any one of them will put you in control of the board.”

Adam (smirking): “Yellow.”

Bob: “Survey says… DING! YELLOW Number one answer! Pass or play?”

Adam: “Play, of course.”

Bob: “Hoss Cartwright, you were the big winner on our Dating Game show, so you’ve had some experience. Now, don’t be shy. What color looks good on a woman?”

Hoss (smiling): “I’m kinda partial to pink, Bob.”

Bob: “Can we see something in PINK? DING! Good answer! Now, Joe Cartwright. As I recall, you were voted sexiest hair in a Rancher’s Almanac poll, isn’t that right?”

Joe (grinning): “That’s right, Bob.”

Bob: “So tell me, when a woman is running her fingers through your award winning hair, what color is her dress?”

Joe: “Well, assuming she’s wearing one, it’s probably green.”

Bob (winking): “You devil you. Show me GREEN…DING! All right, Adam, big brother, there’s one answer left on the board. You have no strikes. Double points if you get it right. What do you say?”

Adam: “I say, I love a lady in red.”

Bob: “Lady in RED…DING! Team Cartwright takes the first round!”

(Applause applause applause. Fiddle music plays. Cartwright brothers high five each other.)

Bob: “Before we begin Round Two, I’d like to introduce our judges for this evening, Dr. Paul Martin of Virginia City, Mr. Aaron Stempel of Seattle, and Mr. Sam Clemens of San Francisco. If there is any question about one of the answers, they will confer and rule on acceptability. Hoss, Joshua, shake hands, and good luck to both of you. 50 men surveyed, top seven answers on the board.”

What is the best way to impress a woman?

DING! TEAM BOLT

Joshua: “Take her out on the town.”

Bob: “Sounds like a good idea, let’s see. Survey says…DING! DINNER/THEATER – Number one answer. Pass or Play?”

Joshua: “Play!”

Bob: “Jeremy, you’re the youngest brother, is that right?”

Jeremy: “Yes sir.”

Bob: “And I understand you’re the only one with a steady girlfriend. Why is that?”

Jeremy: “Maybe because I’m also the smartest.”

(Audience laughs. A girl yells: “I love you, Jeremy!”)

Bob: “Would that be her?”

Jeremy (blushing): “Yeah. Um, I love you too, Candy.”

Bob: “Sounds like you already know how to impress a girl. How did you do it?”

Jeremy: “Once I took her on a surprise picnic, packed everything myself.”

Bob: “A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and your best girl, eh? Let’s go on a PICNIC…DING! Good answer! Back to you, Jason; five answers left, no strikes. Tell me, do you rely solely on your persuasive powers or do you have another way to impress a woman?”

Jason: “In my experience, flowers are the language of love.”

Joshua and Jeremy: “Good answer, good answer!”

Bob: “And daisies don’t tell, right? Say it with FLOWERS…DING! GIFT/FLOWERS. All right. Now Joshua, we haven’t had a chance to talk yet. You’re a handsome fellow, and you don’t have a girl?”

Joshua (grinning): “Oh, I have a lot of girls, just not one steady.”

Bob: “I see. Well, what’s a sure-fire way to impress one of them?”

Joshua: “Log rolling.”

Bob: “Log rolling? You do a lot of that up in Seattle?”

Joshua: “I’m the territory champion.”

(Jason and Jeremy clap and cheer)

Bob: “I’m impressed…we’ll see what the survey says. Just a moment, the judges are conferring on this one. DING! SKILLS is number seven. That’s a broad category, and I would think log rolling requires a great deal of skill.”

Joshua: “You’d better believe it. A lot more than horse shoes, I can tell you that.”

Hoss (frowning): “Yeah, but I bet he never fought a bull.”

Bob: “Well, Jeremy. Do you have another answer for us?”

Jeremy: “How about cook dinner for her?”

Bob: “Let’s find out if we’re cooking tonight. Survey says…”

X

Bob: “Sorry, the kitchen is closed. Strike one and we’re back to Jason. Three answers left.”

Jason (thinking): “Take her on a really nice, romantic trip.”

Bob: “Castles in Spain, chateaus in France, maybe?”

Jason: “I was thinking a weekend at the Hotel Olympia, but sure, why not?”

X

Bob: “Joshua, your team has two strikes. If you get this wrong, the Cartwrights can steal. They’re plotting even now. How are you going to impress a woman?”

Joshua (shaking his head): “I dunno. Maybe help her solve a problem?”

X

Bob: “Team Cartwright, now is your chance. What would you do to impress a woman?”

Adam (looking smug): “Defend her honor in a duel.”

Bob: “Ah, the Code. Really? If it’s there, you are our winners this evening. Survey says….DING! Well, what do you know?Congratulations, Cartwrights! Let’s see number 5 – HORSE/BUGGY RIDE. And number 6 – KISS.”

Joe: “I told you kiss was up there!”

(Applause, applause, applause.  More fiddle music.)

Bob: “As we all know, both teams are playing for charity tonight, but only the Cartwrights are eligible to participate in the fast money round benefiting the Virginia City Children’s Home. As a gesture of goodwill our sponsor, Wells Fargo, is also donating $500 to the Seattle Community Library, so no one will go home empty handed.”

(Applause applause applause)

Bob: “Team Cartwright has selected Hoss and Joe to play for the grand prize of $2000. They need to score 100 points between them in order to win.  Joe is currently off stage, and Hoss, you will have 15 seconds to answer these five questions posed in a survey to 50 men. The clock will begin after I ask the first question. Are you ready?”

Hoss:  “Ready.”

Bob:. Besides a parent, who do you ask for advice?

Hoss: Brother

Bob:  Where do you go for a good time?

Hoss:  Saloon

Bob: Name something you might want to hide.

Hoss: Money

Bob: Name something you pick.

Hoss: Flowers

Bob: How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?

Hoss:  Huh?

Bob:  “All right, Hoss.  Let’s see how you did.  Question 1 — survey said 19.  Brother was the number one answer. Question 2 — survey said 27.  Saloon, number one answer. Question 3 — survey said 20.  Money was number one, again. Question 4 — survey said 22.  Flowers, number one answer.  You did so well, we may not even need Joe.  Question 5 — you didn’t have an answer but the points don’t matter in this case because the number one answer was 0.  Woodchucks don’t chuck wood.  They’re actually groundhogs, so you could just say they chuck dirt.  But you got 88 points on the other four questions, which means Joe only needs 12.  Think he can handle it?”

Hoss: “No problem.”

Bob:  “Let’s bring him out then.”  (applause applause applause)  “Joe, your big brother has done most of the work for you.  All you have to do is answer five questions in twenty seconds for twelve points.  No pressure. If you repeat an answer already given, you’ll hear the buzzer and you’ll need to come up with a different one. The clock will begin after the first question.  Are you ready, Joe?”

Joe: “Ready, Bob.”

Bob: Besides a parent, who do you ask for advice?

Joe: Hop Sing

Bob: Where do you go for a good time?

Joe: Saloon  Upstairs

Bob: Name something you might want to hide.

Joe: A woman

Bob: Name something you pick.

Joe: A fight

Bob: How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?

Joe: What?

Bob: “Time’s up.  How do you think you did?”

Joe:  “I think I did pretty well.”

Bob:  “Let’s find out.  Question 1 — you said Hop Sing.  What’s a Hop Sing?”

Joe:  “He’s our Chinese cook, and a whole lot more.”

Bob:  “Do you think he’s up there?”

Joe: “Probably not.”

Bob:  “Survey said…0.  Don’t worry, you only need 12.  Question 2 — you said upstairs. Is that what I think it means?”

Joe:  “I wasn’t really sure how else to say it. This is a family show, right?”

Bob: “Well, I’m sure our sponsor appreciates your discretion. Let’s see if it gets you any points,  Survey said…13. Congratulations Team Cartwright!”

(Fiddle music plays as audience claps in time. Hoss and Joe do-si-do a victory dance as both teams and judges congregate onstage.)

Bob:  “That’s our show for tonight, folks. Join us here next week when our returning champions face off against the Barkley brothers of Stockton. Good night everybody!”

 

Overheard after the show:

Candy from Seattle to Joe: “You really do have nice hair.”

“Thanks, so do you. How long will you be in town?”

Jeremy: “Back off, Curly Locks. We’re leaving first thing tomorrow.”

Candy (sounding disappointed): “Oh, do we have to?”

Jeremy: “We do now.”

~*~

Adam to Jason: “Have you ever been to Virginia City before?

“Can’t say that I’ve had the pleasure.”

“Your face is so familiar, I could have sworn we’ve met somewhere. This is probably going to sound strange, but you don’t happen to have another brother who’s a minister, maybe?”

“A Bolt who’s a man of the cloth? Did you hear that, Josh?” Both of them roar with laughter.

“I guess that’s a hard no.”

Even though Hoss and Joe both concurred with Adam that Jason Bolt bore an uncanny resemblance to the mysterious reverend who interceded in the custody battle for orphaned siblings Kenny and Sue, they all agreed that the similarity ended rather abruptly there.

 

THE END

Acknowledgments: Here Come the Brides was a Screen Gems Production which aired on ABC-TV from Sepember 1968-April 1970  Thank you Bolt brothers Robert Brown, David Soul, and Bobby Sherman for the fond memories.

And thank you Rod Serling.

 

Other (unofficial) Tales of the Cartwright Zone:

The Dating Game (by JC)
A Stop at The Shady Villa (by JC)
Shirtless Joe (by JC)
Night Trilogy (by JC)
When Worlds Collide (By JC)
The Best Little Bed and Breakfast in Nevada (by JC)
Stranger in the Night (by JC)