Summary: All Cartwrights are not created equal.  In this sequel to Interval, Jilly makes a decision in opposition to her family that will ultimately change the course of her life, for better or worse. (Part of the Ties That Bind  AU series, links to other stories below.)

Rating: G   Word Count: 1782

Ties That Bind series

Ties That Bind
Imperfect Memory
A Pearl Without Price
A Piece of Cake
Something About Amy
Guarding the Henhouse
When Angels Cry
No Ordinary Day
Winter of Discontent
Interval
Not to Me
Gently, Full of Grace

 

Author’s Note:  This story will have a limited appearance on the library front page, after which time it will be backdated.

 

NOT TO ME

 

I grew up a lonely child, though I didn’t know it it the time. My father once told me that you can’t always see something until you’ve had a chance to walk down the road and look back from a distance.

My mother died before I was two, and all I ever knew of her was from the stories I had heard from my father and brothers. Judging from the picture on my father’s desk, she was as beautiful as they claimed. She belonged to them, but not to me.

After three sons and without a wife to guide him in the ways of raising a daughter, my father found himself in uncharted territory, and as time went on that put him in a quandary of “what to do about Jilly.” I was a problem child, not because I misbehaved any more than my brothers but because I’d been born a girl.

It wasn’t so bad in the beginning. I adored my brothers and my father, and little girls are much the same as little boys, until they aren’t. I followed Joe everywhere, in spite of his protests which weren’t all that convincing. I didn’t see myself as being different. I didn’t feel different.

And then Adam came home.

Joe was on the cusp of ten, and I was six and a half, small for my age, the half being very important to me at the time.

Adam had been away at school in Boston for four years. In other words, most of my life. Everything I knew about my oldest brother was from the letters Pa read to us and the picture on his bureau. I had no memories of him at all. Everyone was so excited, and I wanted to be, too. I tried very hard, but I couldn’t. He was a stranger. He belonged to them, not to me.

It seemed like the whole town turned out to greet Adam when he arrived on the stage. I couldn’t ever remember my Pa  crying before that day, but he wept openly as they embraced. Hoss and Joe did too. I felt a change in the air, a sense of loss and the gain of something new and unfamiliar, and it frightened me. I knew at that moment my life was going to be different.

People clamored to express their good wishes, and I was swept aside by the eager, jostling crowd until I could no longer see my family. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I just stepped back and waited with my insides twisting, wondering if anyone would notice I was missing.

It was Hoss who found me. “Hey, Little Bit, what are you doin’ all the way over here?”

I couldn’t answer because of the tears in my throat, so I just clung to him and hid my face against his thigh. He swung me up into his arms and consoled me. “I’m sorry, honey. I should’ve been lookin’ out for you. Cheer up now, because there’s somebody here who’s real anxious to see you.”

Hoss was like Moses parting the Red Sea when he carried me through the crowd to where Pa and Joe were talking with Adam. I think Pa wanted to scold me for running off (which I hadn’t) but his brows relaxed when he saw I was upset so I guess he thought better of it. Hoss set me down but kept his arm around me while I pressed against him.

Adam looked older than his picture. “This can’t be Jilly.” His voice was deep, like Pa’s.

I stared up at him, wondering if I was a disappointment. I bit the inside of my cheek.

He smiled and got down on one knee in front of me, looking me square in the face. “You grew up while I was gone.”

“I guess you did, too.”

His mouth twisted in a funny smile, and he laughed in his throat. Then his eyes went soft and shimmery, and he held out his arms. “Come here, baby.”

Well, I wasn’t a baby, but the way he said it I didn’t really mind. I hugged my big brother who held me longer than I was used to, and when I looked up, Pa was crying again.

I had been right; things did change after Adam came back. It was mostly good because he was a big help to Pa, who at first seemed happier than I ever remembered. But Joe had less time for me because he was spending more time with Adam and Hoss. Ranch work, he said. Girls didn’t break horses or brand cattle or go on round ups. Not that I was itching to do any of those things, but none of them ever stopped to consider the fact that nearly everything they did excluded me. There was a dividing line between us, my brothers on one side, me on the other. In the family ledger we were three assets and one liability.

It never occurred to me that I might be sent away, but I should have seen it coming when Pa mentioned Connie McKee and that school back east. When an opportunity dropped in his lap, he took it. I honestly don’t blame him. Looking back, it would have seemed an ideal solution to a problem he couldn’t fix on his own; in his place I probably would have done the same thing. He begged me through tears to help him make it easier, and I said I would. It was a lot to ask of an eleven year old, but I have always tried to do everything my father wanted. I suppose it’s because I didn’t want to risk using up whatever measure of grace he afforded me, unlike Joe, who would never have to worry about that.

My life in San Francisco wasn’t perfect, but it served a purpose, giving me an education in more ways than one. I wanted to come home so badly the first year I was physically ill. My family didn’t know the half of it, but I had to believe that everyone did the best they could. Out of sight doesn’t necessarily mean out of mind, though it may seem that way. I learned to smile through a lot of things even when my heart rebelled. The truth is, not every promise can be kept. In the end love covers a multitude of sins.

I spent the sixteenth summer of my life back on the Ponderosa, the home of my childhood, no longer mine. Joe had become a man. He along with Hoss and Adam bore the invisible scars of love, loss, and tragedy, like our Pa. While it bound them closer together, it was another layer of separation between us. By summer’s end I had grown up in ways I hadn’t expected, nor wanted to, and the world had changed again. I went back to San Francisco with the shadowy feeling I might never return.

But I had to come back at least once more, to try to make them understand why I was leaving and let them have their say. I felt they were entitled.

Joe was angry. He told me I was being selfish. I listened to him rant because I knew he needed to. I didn’t enjoy it, but I understood he didn’t really meant it. He would come back later with hat in hand and make peace, even if we disagreed. That was his way. Except for Pa, no one loves Joe more than I do, not even Hoss or Adam. But he has never known what it’s like to be loved less, nor likely will he ever.

Pa’s anger was more from hurt. I didn’t set out to hurt him, but I made my decision knowing that it would. He more than anyone should understand that there are no easy answers to hard questions, because I learned that from him. Hoss and Adam were mostly silent, but I knew I’d be hearing from both of them before it was over. So I wasn’t surprised when Adam showed up at the barn where I was trying to distract myself after the “discussion” I’d endured with my family.

“I thought I’d find you out here.”

“What do you want?” As if I didn’t know. I was currying Star and didn’t look up.

“To talk, that’s all.”

“What’s the point? You’re not going to change my mind.”

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

I shot him a look that let him know I didn’t like being talked down to. “Of all people, Adam, I thought you would be on my side.”

“I’m always on your side, Jilly, but that doesn’t mean I always agree with you. I just want what’s best for you.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not the little girl who left here five years ago.”

“Clearly, you aren’t.”

“Pa thinks I am.”

“No, he doesn’t. But you should have talked to him first instead of pulling the rug out from under him the way you did. That wasn’t fair. You knew he was expecting you home. He’s been looking forward to it for the past year.”

“Do you always do everything that’s expected of you?” He and I both knew the answer to that.

“We’re not talking about me. Don’t change the subject.”

I could tell from his tone that he was losing patience with me. But my own feelings were pretty raw at that moment, and I kept quiet, focusing on my task.

“This job, is it something you really want?”

Want never really entered into it; I’d never had a burning desire to be a teacher. “It’s something I need. You wouldn’t understand.”

I heard him sigh. “I guess I don’t. I just wish you’d take a little more time to think about what you’re planning to do.”

I’d had plenty of time to think about it over the past year in San Francisco. But I didn’t tell him that or anything else. And I didn’t look up until I heard him leave the barn.

What none of them could see was what became suddenly clear to me last summer. I loved my father and brothers, and I knew in my heart that they loved me, each in their own fashion. But the ties that bound us together were not equal; perhaps they had never been. And wanting something isn’t enough to make it so. They belonged to each other. But not to me.

I rewarded my beautiful horse with an apple and wept against his neck. After a while I dried my tears and walked back to the house in the chilly rain.

 

END

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