“Adam is going to kill me.”  A school-age Little Joe tells you why in this modern era Cartwright story.  Warning: references to literal corporal punishment and figurative fratricide

rating: teen for mature references  word count: 4584

The Most Eligible Bachelor Series:

The Most Eligible Bachelor in Nevada
There’s Gold Diggers in Them There Hills

 

The Most Eligible Bachelor in Nevada

 

Adam is going to kill me.  If I had thought about him finding out it was me that did it, I would have known he would kill me, but I never thought he would find out, but he did, and now Adam is going to kill me, or leastways he will make me wish he had.

 

To understand what happened, you have to know some things about my family. Of course, if you live in Nevada, you’ve probably heard something about us.  Most folks have heard of the Cartwrights.  That’s ’cause we own a big chunk of Nevada.  The best part of what we own is our ranch, the Ponderosa.  The rest is some businesses with Cartwright in their names and parts of more without This means that my pa is rich.  Adam is rich now too since he is a full partner with pa ever since he turned twenty-one.  Of course, he’s been pa’s partner in all but the legal papers a lot longer than that.  Adam just turned twenty-five. He’s my eldest brother, and Pa’s eldest son.

 

My pa has three sons, but no wife.  At least not right now.  He’s had three wives before though.  Each of his wives had one son.  Elizabeth had Adam.  Inger had Hoss. My ma, Marie, had me.  I’m Joe. Of course, Pa didn’t have all three of his wives at once but had them one after the other.  They all died.  See, Elizabeth had a congenital heart defect, so having a baby was real hard on her, and she died two days after Adam was born.  Pa couldn’t stand to stay in Boston, so he got an old camper and hit the road.  Pa kind of drifted around with Adam doing this and that for about five years.  Then he met Inger, and they got married.  They decided to travel out west to a new life.  Inger had Hoss.  Then she got murdered.  That was real bad.  Pa was there and couldn’t stop it.  Adam and Hoss both saw it too, but Hoss was a little baby and don’t remember.  Then Pa and my brothers settled in Nevada and used the insurance money to start a ranch.  Pa’s a real good businessman, and by the time he met my ma in New Orleans, he had gone from being poor to being wealthy.  Pa married my ma and brought her back to the Ponderosa.  She had me about a year later.  The family got to be real happy, but then my ma was killed in an accident when I was five.  So now Pa has three sons and no wife.  Even so, Pa kept making money and investing, so now he is a rich and important man.  Pa being a man who worked for his money makes him take a different view of having it.  Pa ain’t like lots of rich men, and he has a lot of old-fashioned ideas about work and family and raising kids, so, no matter what you might have heard, none of us are rich, spoiled brats.

 

Adam sure wasn’t ever spoiled as a child. He was half-grown before Pa started getting rich, and he went through a lot what with losing two stepmothers and helping Pa with Hoss and me and the ranch.  Adam even helped Pa with getting rich early on because, you see, Adam is brilliant.  He has the IQ to prove it and a Master’s degree in both engineering and architecture from Harvard.  When it comes to business, Pa took to talking with Adam like he was an adult before he was into two-digits.  Adam learned a lot, and he’s as good at making money as Pa, but he remembers being poor and thinks like Pa when it comes to spending what he makes.

 

Yeah, Adam is brilliant, and Hoss is strong.  You probably think Hoss is one of them odd names like the ones celebrities have started giving their kids, but it’s not.  It’s an old nickname for a big, friendly man.  It fits Hoss to a tee.  Hoss’s certificate name is Eric, but he calls Eric his trouble name. Hoss is nineteen and going to the university.  Hoss isn’t the ivy-league type like Adam and didn’t go back East to school.  In fact, Hoss probably wouldn’t have gone to college at all except for football.  It took tutors and a lot of effort for Hoss to get through high school, but he was an all-state lineman, and lots of colleges wanted him to come and play.  Hoss didn’t want to live away from the family and the ranch, so he picked the closest university.  Now Hoss has always been one for animals and the outdoors, so we thought he would study something to do with animals or ranching.  Actually, he hasn’t declared a major, and I heard him talking to Pa one day about the fact that he probably wouldn’t get his degree.  Some of the math classes and such just aren’t Hoss’s thing.  Now Pa accepts each of us for what we are, and he told Hoss he should just work hard and get as much out of college as he could, degree or no degree. It’s not like Hoss is going to need a degree to do anything he wants to do.  He won’t need it if he plays in the NFL or takes over running the ranch.  When he turns twenty-one, Hoss will be a full partner with Pa and Aadam, so he’ll have the money to do whatever he sets his mind on.  When I’m twenty-one, I’ll be a partner, and I’ll have money to do what I want too.   I don’t really know yet what that will be, but since I just turned thirteen, I guess I have time to think it over before I decide.  Though Hop Sing tells me even now I should be considering all opportunities and preparing for a wise decision.  Hop Sing is big on wise decisions and doesn’t think I make enough of them.

 

Hop Sing’s not a blood relation, but he might as well be. See Hop Sing is Chinese.  In fact, he was a Chinese dissident who my pa saved from the communist government and brought home a few months before I was born.  I don’t know none of the details because neither Hop Sing nor Pa ever talks about any of it.  I just know that Hop Sing came to the ranch with Pa, and it’s been his home ever since.  At first, he was kind of an assistant to my ma.  When my ma died, Hop Sing just started doing everything they both did just himself.  So, Hop Sing does all the cooking, runs the house, keeps track of the non-ranch stuff at the ranch, and looks after whatever Cartwright needs looking after which is most often me.  Of course, he looks after each of us different, but he does look after us all.  Hop Sing would do anything for Pa.  I’d tell you that he would die for Pa, but truth is Hop Sing would die for any of us and for lots of other people too if there was a good reason.

 

Anyways, that’s my family: Pa, Adam, Hoss, and Hop Sing.  Thing is, as the youngest, all the rest can boss me.  I mean Pa is Pa, of course, and has the final word on everything, but Adam takes over when Pa’s not around, I have to take orders from Hop Sing, and even Hoss gets put in charge of me sometimes.  Basically, it’s not fair, but Adam always says that life isn’t fair whenever I point that out to him.

 

Anyways, I guess ya want to know why Adam is going to kill me.  Hoss always says I never start at the beginning of a story, so this time I will.  I guess the beginning was the day I got suspended.  Not that there has been only one day that I got suspended, but I’m talking about the last time I got suspended.  It was only a day’s suspension because all I did was start a little food fight.

 

Now Pa is a real busy man, so when I get in trouble at school this is the way it works.  Mr. Dean, the vice-principal, calls my pa’s office and talks to his assistant, Mrs. Chauncey.  Ninety percent of Mrs. Chauncey’s job is keeping track of what my pa is doing and what he has to do.  She decides if my pa is available.  If she doesn’t think he is, she calls Mary Alice, Adam’s assistant.  They decide who is more available and pass on to Pa or Adam that Mr. Dean wants someone to call or to come get me.   While all this is going on I cool my heels on a chair in the outer office.  If the secretary, Miss Schroeder, is working at her computer, she has her back to me, and I can lean back and watch to see who arrives to talk to Mr. Dean.  This is important because I need to know how to look.  My sad-puppy look is best for Pa, but it just makes Adam madder because he thinks I’m faking it to get out of trouble. A just-plain-scared look works best on Adam.  He’s spent so much time in his life trying to keep me from being scared that he kind of automatically goes protective.  That day I didn’t see Pa’s car or Adam’s, but a company truck.  I knew that whoever was coming must have been working not in the office but somewhere at one of the work sites and that would put Pa or Adam in an even worse mood.

 

I couldn’t remember who was suppose to work on site that day, so I had to guess.  I put on my sad-puppy look.  I guessed wrong.  Adam walked through the door.  He stopped only long enough to glare at me and then walked into Mr. Dean’s office.  I switched to a just-plain-scared look which really wasn’t all that hard to do.  About five minutes later, Adam walked back out and over to me.  He told me to get to the truck in that voice of his that lets you know that what he says to do is the only safe thing to do, so I walked out and got in the truck without saying anything.  Adam got behind the wheel and slammed the door.  I decided that not speaking was in my best interest and stayed quiet.  Adam took off, and after the first turn I knew we weren’t headed to the ranch.  I didn’t ask where we were going because Adam was mad.  He was really mad.  I could tell by the way he was driving.

 

We went to the construction site where they’re building the new municipal library.  This is Adam’s current pet project.  He did the design himself and is overseeing the building personally.  I didn’t know it then, but a problem had come up just before Mary Alice called him about me, so Adam was mad about that as well as mad about me.

 

When we got to the site, Adam parked in the shade and scowled at me.  He told me that my butt better stay exactly where it was, or he would blister my behind right here in front of anyone who cared to watch.  He looked mad enough to do it, and that made me mad.  I slumped down in the seat and put out my lip.  Adam slammed the door so hard that the whole truck shook.

 

After a few minutes, I sat up and watched Adam.  I couldn’t hear what was going on, but I could tell Adam was solving some kind of problem.  Then I knew I had a problem of my own.  I had to use the restroom.  I started hoping that Adam would finish and come back quick.  Then I knew I couldn’t wait any longer.  I slipped out to the port-a-potty.  I was only out of the truck a few minutes, and I figured that Adam probably wouldn’t notice.  I was just climbing back into the truck when Adam walked up behind me and swatted my backside.  I spun around and faced my big brother.  He started fussing that he had told me to stay in the truck, and I started fussing that I had to go and had just gone and did he expect me to just sit and wet my pants.  Adam almost never admits when he’s wrong.  He just told me to get in the truck which is what I had been doing. I thought we’d go to the ranch, but we drove to the Cartwright Building instead.

 

Now that swat Adam gave me is the main reason I did what I did that is going to make Adam kill me.  It’s not like it was the first time Adam has swatted my behind.  I can’t remember a time when Adam didn’t swat my behind on a regular basis.  Sometimes I know I deserve it, but this time I was mad because I didn’t deserve it, and he had done it where I was sure some of the workers must’ve seen him and, golly, I’m thirteen not five.  I’d been thinking about the workers laughing about that swat even though when you think about it people were working, and we were off to the side, and the door was blocking what people could see, so maybe nobody even noticed, but I was sure they had, and it made me real mad. Not that I was mad enough to do something real dumb like really popping off to Adam.  I just sulked while we were driving and while we walked up to Adam’s office.  If Adam had left me in the truck, he wouldn’t be going to kill me now.

 

While Adam was talking to Mary Alice, I was sulking.  I was staring down most of the time I was sulking, so that’s why I noticed the envelope from The Nevadan in the trashcan.

 

Now The Nevadan is a magazine published in Nevada- of course.  Every year they publish an issue about the ten most eligible bachelors in the state.  They can’t afford to make important people mad, so they only pick men who agree to be picked.  Every year since he turned twenty-one, they’ve sent Adam an invitation to be one of Nevada’s most eligible bachelors.  Now some men would think that was great.  Adam’s not one of those men.  Adam’s a real private person.  He read the first invitation that the magazine sent before he threw it in the trash.  Ever since, Mary Alice just chucks the unopened envelope into the trash.  I saw this year’s envelope in the trash, and the best prank ever just came into my head.  If I hadn’t been mad at Adam, I probably wouldn’t have done it, but I was mad. When nobody was looking, I snatched that envelope and put it inside my jacket. That’s about the time that Hoss showed up.

 

University classes aren’t like regular school where you go and stay all day every day, so Hoss wasn’t skipping class or nothing.  I really don’t remember why Hoss had come to the offices, but since he had, Adam decided to send me home with him while Adam got some work done.  He told Hoss to put me in my room and told me that if I ever wanted to sit again, I’d better stay there.  Like I said, I was mad.  Sometimes when I’m mad, I do kid things.  I stuck my tongue out at Adam.  Hoss moved real fast. He had me turned around and out of Adam’s office in two seconds flat.  I ended up going back to the ranch with Hoss instead of Adam which was just fine with me.

 

Having to be in my room gave me the time to do it.  The more I think about it, the more I realize Adam only has himself to blame for a lot of this.  Too bad he won’t think that way. Anyway, I spent the time in my room accepting the nomination as one of Nevada’s most eligible bachelors for Adam.  Mostly I told the truth when I answered the questions, except for the ones about what kind of girl do you like and what do you do on a date.  I made those answers more interesting.  Then I made my big mistake.  See you send a picture with your acceptance.  I have this picture I took of Adam that he really hates.  Actually, it’s a real good picture of Adam in his trunks by the pool.  The females who have seen it say he looks really hot.  Like I said, Adam hates it, which is why I thought it would make the perfect picture to send.  I didn’t think about the fact that Adam knew I was the only person with a copy of that picture.

 

I had everything finished, stamped, and in the outgoing mail before Pa and Adam came home.

 

Since Pa and Adam came home at the same time, Pa took care of my being in trouble at school.  I got a real scorcher of a lecture, a list of chores to make me miserable while I was suspended, and a tanning.

 

I told you Pa was old-fashioned about raising kids which isn’t all that surprising.  I guess what’s surprising is that someone like Adam, who went to Harvard and all, agrees with Pa’s ideas about corporal punishment- that’s what the college books call it- instead of with those professor types, but maybe that’s because he had already used it some on my behind before he went to Harvard.  Even more surprising is that Hoss, who would never spank anyone who had the sense to look miserable and cry if he threatened to spank them, agrees with Pa and Adam even though he doesn’t argue with his professors about it.

 

Anyway, Pa took care of me, so Adam didn’t have to, so Adam didn’t have to stay mad with me.  He could switch back to brother mode and feel bad for me.  That’s probably why he came to my room the next morning and apologized for swatting me when I had to go, but then he said it could count for the one I should have gotten when I stuck my tongue out at him.  The thought passed through my mind to get the envelope out of the mail, but by then I’d put a lot of effort into what was going to be the best practical joke I had ever played on my eldest brother, so I didn’t.

 

Actually, I kind of forgot about the whole thing over the next two months.  In fact, me and Adam had a good two months without many spats at all, and I mostly stayed out of trouble especially at school.

 

I didn’t even know The Nevadan about the eligible bachelors had come out until I heard a group of girls at school giggling and walked over and saw a copy in Nicole’s hand.  I snatched it from her and looked at the cover.  There was Adam in his swimming trunks in glossy color with the words Nevada’s Most Eligible Bachelor over his head.  I knew right then that Adam was just going to die, and then he was going to kill me.

 

All day at school there were the giggles, stares, and suggestive remarks; and I was only the brother of the most eligible bachelor in Nevada.  I knew the most eligible bachelor himself must really be the center of a lot of that kind of attention.  Adam hates that kind of attention.  I started getting scared.  Funny how something that you should of thought of but didn’t becomes so clear when it’s too late to change things.  Adam was going to know who was responsible for him being the most eligible bachelor in Nevada, and Adam’s temper has been known to lean toward revenge.

 

Only Hop Sing was home when I came in from school, and Hop Sing, evidently, hadn’t seen a copy of The Nevadan.  I did my chores-yes, I really do have to do chores- as quick as I could and then went to my room.  Finally, I heard him.  Now Adam can’t quite shout as deep and loud as Pa, but he can come close.  As soon as he walked in the door, he shouted, “Joseph Francis Cartwright!”  That name echoed around the whole house, and I admit I panicked, but then neither Pa nor Hoss was home to protect me.  I jumped up and left by my window, down the roof, and off the porch.  Then I ran to the stables and saddled Cochise.  I was out of sight of the house before Adam finished looking for me inside.

 

I haven’t really run away, not like taking off with the intention of never coming back. I know that somebody will come and take me back.  Adam says I always try to postpone the inevitable, but when the inevitable is the fact that your brother is going to kill you, I bet you’d try to postpone the inevitable too.

 

***********

 

Adam didn’t kill me.  It had been dark for quite a while before I heard a horse approaching.   I could have tried running or hiding, but I figured I might as well get it over with.  Adam rode up, got off his horse, and sat down in the dark next to me.

 

He didn’t say anything, so I told him I was sorry.  He kept staring straight ahead and told me I wasn’t half as sorry as I was going to be.  I asked him if he was going to kill me, and he said he had considered it, but he couldn’t do that to Pa and Hoss, and besides it would be letting me off too easy.

 

Sometimes when I’m nervous, I kind of get mad to cover up my nervousness.  I was real nervous, so I popped off and told Adam if he was going to blister me, he could just go ahead and get it over with.  Adam looked at me for the first time.  It was dark, so we really couldn’t see each other very clearly, but I could feel his eyes burning me.  He said that if he touched me tonight Pa would have one son in the hospital and another in jail for child abuse.

 

Neither one of us said anything for a while after that.  Then Adam started talking.  He said every time someone slapped him in the face with being the most eligible bachelor in Nevada, he had imagined what he was going to do to me.  He said he had rejected numerous options as being illegal, but two possibilities kept returning to his mind. I didn’t think I wanted to hear about either one, but he kept on telling me.  He told me he kept thinking about taking me to the most public place he could find and blistering my behind for the amusement of all.  Public humiliation seemed justice for the public humiliation he was suffering.  I told him I didn’t mean to humiliate him.  Then he said real soft,” Joe, you know me well enough to know how I would feel.”  That’s when I started feeling sorry about what I had done instead of being sorry I had gotten caught.  I felt really deep down sorry, and I started crying and asking Adam to please forgive me.  Adam handed me a clean handkerchief.   Adam carries these big, white linen handkerchiefs and always has a clean one.  Then he said he hadn’t told me his other idea.  He also hadn’t told me that he forgave me, so I was still crying into that white handkerchief.  He said he had about decided that each day until the whole thing died down completely instead of getting mad at every remark, jibe, laugh, and innuendo he would just count them.  Then every night when he got home, he would simply deliver that many swats to my backside.  He said it real calm in that voice that means he’s going to do whatever he has to do. All I could say was, “Adam, you don’t really mean that.”  Adam raised his eyebrow and said, “Don’t I?”  Then he stood up and pulled me to my feet.  I stopped breathing for a while, but we just got on our horses and rode back home.

 

Pa was home when we got there.  Pa looked at Adam, and Adam shook his head.  Then he asked Pa to excuse him and went up to his room.  Pa lit into me something fierce.  He asked me how I could do something like that to my brother knowing how he felt about it.  I couldn’t give Pa any answer, and he just kept on scolding me.  I felt so bad inside by the time Pa had finished.  Then Pa told me my punishment was entirely in Adam’s hands, and I would accept whatever he gave me with no complaint.  All I could say to him was, “Yes, sir.”  Then he sent me up to my room.

 

Hoss brought me a supper tray, but all he said to me was that I shouldn’t have done it to Adam.  After he left, I tried to eat, but I kept gagging, so I quit trying.  I laid down on my bed and cried myself to sleep.

 

Adam left early and wasn’t there for breakfast the next morning.  I went to school and found myself counting every time someone made a remark about the most eligible bachelor in Nevada.  When I hit twenty-four, I quit counting, and it wasn’t even lunchtime.  Pa had said I was restricted to my room until Adam dealt with me, so I did my homework as soon as I got home. Pa don’t allow a computer or television in my room, so I ended up trying to read.  Mostly I was waiting for Adam and thinking about what he was going to do.  I heard a car pull up, looked out my window, and knew Adam would be coming up to my room. About ten minutes later he did.

 

I was lying on the bed when he came in, but I sat up and swung my legs over the side.  Adam got my desk chair and sat down facing me and said, “I counted, Joe.”

 

I didn’t have to ask him what he had counted, so I just asked, “How many?”

 

“Forty-four and a life-size blow up of the cover at the construction site,” is what he said just like he was telling me about it raining that day.

 

I don’t know how I got the words out, but I said, “You meant what you said last night?”

 

Adam reached out and stood me up in front of him.  “I should have.”

 

“But you didn’t?”

 

“No.”

 

Adam isn’t a huggy kind of person, but I hugged him anyway.  He hugged me back before he said, “You’re not getting off scoff-free, you know.”

 

I knew. Adam’s my big brother, and he always forgives me, but he always dishes out the consequences first.  I’m going to remember the consequence for this one for a long time, but I’m going to remember that I don’t want to hurt my brother that way again all of my life.

~The End

NOTE:  How much longer will the threat of fratricide hang over the youngest brother’s head?

Next Story in The Most Eligible Bachelor Series:

There’s Gold Diggers in Them There Hills

 

 

Tags:  Adam Cartwright, Family, Joe / Little Joe Cartwright, Prank