Synopsis: A wacky Cartwright fairy tale.
Rating: G
Words: 11,700
Four Men in Tights Series
The Brandsters have included this story by this author in our project: Preserving Their Legacy. To preserve the legacy of the author, we have decided to give their work a home in the Bonanza Brand Fanfiction Library. The author will always be the owner of this work of fanfiction, and should they wish us to remove their story, we will.
Disclaimer: This story is definitely fiction. The Cartwright characters were created by David Dortort. Any resemblance to any person, whether living or dead, is coincidental.
Kingdom of Ponderosa, or Four Men in Tights
Once upon a time in a far-away land of lush, pine trees, fertile green pastures, and thousands of heads of bovine, stood the Kingdom of Ponderosa.
Kingdom of Ponderosa was ruled by good King Ben and his three princely sons: Prince Adam, black haired, brown eyed, first-born and heir to the throne, as well as King Ben’s chief advisor; Prince Hoss, blue eyed, light-haired, second-born and a mighty, but gentle warrior-type; and Prince Joseph, hazel eyed and dark hair with curls, third-born and youngest, who was the choice for a suitor of every availabledamsel in King Ben’s kingdom.
In fact, Prince Joseph was in constant demand by every maiden, both fair and not so fair, which proved to be a constant source of royal headaches for King Ben, not to mention for Prince Adam and Prince Hoss also. It seemed King Ben was always apologizing to some maiden’s father for Prince Joseph’s unprincely intentions towards the maiden. Oh Prince Joseph’s intentions weren’t REALLY unprincely, it was just that each time he smiled that princely smile of his at a maiden, she fell instantly in love with him and if he held her hand longer than thirty seconds she considered them to be betrothed to each other. When he explained he only wanted to be her friend, she charged him with unroyal behaviour and went crying to her father that she had been disgraced by Prince Joseph, thereby, causing her father to take the matter up with King Ben, who was at the very least, the most understanding King of all times.
King Ben would immediately call Prince Joseph in on the royal carpet for an audience with him and together the maiden, Prince Joseph and King Ben would decide the proper restitution for the mortified maiden’s plight. Usually, Prince Joseph’s penance was a day spent with the maiden at the place and amusement of her choice. Although nothing imprudent or bawdy ever took place between them, it was always better than the alternative choice for atonement. . .polishing Prince Adam’s golden guitar to looking-glass perfection, or polishing Prince Hoss’ silver fork and spoon, which by itself was a two-day humiliation for such a prince as he. . .or so Prince Joseph thought.
Riding swiftly on his noble steed, Cochise-eth, and with his royal cape flapping out behind him, Prince Joseph galloped into the royal yard and dismounted quickly, looking nervously behind him all the while he ran to the royal palace.
Blocking his entrance at the royal palace door, were his royal brothers. “Hold-eth it right there-eth, young’un,” Prince Adam said, holding out his princely hand in front of Prince Joseph. “Where dost thou think-est thou art going?”
“I gotta hide, Adam!” Prince Joseph exclaimed most nervously.
“CUT! CUT!” Director Eileen called out loudly. “Say it the way the script is written, Joe!”
Joe put his hands on his hips and wagged his head. “It’s bad enough you put me in these stupid looking green tights. . .do I have to talk-eth that way-eth too?”
“YES!” Director Eileen exclaimed. “Now don’t ruin my fairy tale. It could be a lot worse you know!”
“How?!”
“The tights could be BLUE,” she said with a mischievous smile on her face. “And you know what that means.”
Joe held up his hands as if in surrender. “Alright. . .alright. You win.”
“Thank you,” Director Eileen replied. “Now. . .we’ll start from Adam’s line. Places everyone, and. . .ACTION!”
Prince Adam held out his princely hand in front of Prince Joseph. “Where dost thou think-est thou art going?”
“I must seek-eth shelter lest I become-est caught!” Prince Joseph said hurriedly, or as hurriedly as he could talk-eth fairy tale talk.
“What’s yer problem, Little Joe?”
“CUT! CUT! Now Hoss, YOU want to wear the BLUE tights?!” Director Eileen warned.
Making a face, Hoss said, “I gotta hard ‘nough time talkin’ plain ole English. . .this here fairy tale talk makes me sound doggone, dadburn, plumb, pure D loco.”
“Hoss, please! Humor me with this story,” Director Eileen pleaded.
“I think it’s kind of fun,” Adam answered with an amusing smile.
Joe looked at him and said, “YOU would. You don’t have to wear sun JACKET GREEN tights!”
“Or BROWN’uns. . .like ME,” Hoss commented.
“Yeah. . .maybe. . .but that’s because you don’t look as good in black tights as I do, so. . .” Adam responded.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Hoss replied, waving his hand at Adam. “At least Eileen gave us these long-tailed shirts tuh cover ‘em.”
“They’re called tunics,” Adam explained. “All the great stage actors wear them when they perform.”
“They do, huh?”
Adam nodded.
“I’d shore hate tuh parade ‘round in these silly lookin’ thangs ALL the time.”
“PLEASE, Hoss! My FAIRY tale!” Director Eileen screeched out.
Adam draped an arm around his brother. “Well let’s face it Hoss. . .you’re just a natural-born inspiration.”
Hoss made a face at his eldest brother and groaned. “Awright. . .let’s git this over with. Whar were we enyways?” Hoss asked.
“I think your line is supposed to be. . .What trouble-est thou, young Prince Joseph?” Adam said to Hoss.
“Alright, boys. Once again. . .from Hoss’ line. . .” Director Eileen said, adjusting her position in her director’s chair.
“What trouble-est thou, young Prince Joseph?” Prince Hoss asked his youngest princely brother.
“A not-so-fair maiden advance-eth quickly on my tail-eth!” Prince Joseph lamented.
“Hide-eth in thine chambers, young Prince. Thy brothers shall intercept-eth yon not-so-fair maiden for thou,” Prince Adam replied as he struck a most delightful royal pose.
“Huh?” Hoss replied with a puzzled look on his face. “We’re gonna do whut?”
Adam leaned over to him and whispered. “We’re going to keep the girl from getting at Joe.” Adam resumed his most delightful royal pose.
“Oh. Yeah-eth. I guess-eth thet’s whut we’re gonna do-eth,” Prince Hoss replied, still with a puzzled look on his face.
Joe wagged his head at Hoss, so did Eileen, and Adam rolled his eyes at him. Looking towards the royal barn, Prince Joe’s eyes widened and he screeched out the words, “Here she come-eth!” He ran quickly to the royal staircase and bounded up the silver stairs two at a time. A loud echo sounded throughout the Cartwright Palace as Prince Joseph slammed the royal door to his royal chambers, where he took royal refuge away from the not-so-fair maiden who was fast descending upon the Cartwright Palace in her pink chariot.
“Hail and sanitations Prince Adam and Prince Hoss!” the not-so-fair maiden said upon bringing her chariot to a screeching halt.
“Uh. . .that’s SALUtations,” Prince Adam said, correcting her word usage.
The not-so-fair maiden rolled her eyes and replied, “Whatever. Where is thou younger brother? He owe-eth me a kiss-eth, and I have come-eth to collect,” the not-so-fair maiden announced as she swooped out of her pink chariot and stood in front of Prince Adam and Prince Hoss. “Nice tights” she whispered to Adam as she leaned over to him, and raised an eyebrow.
“Why thank you,” Adam replied with a slight laugh in his voice and a smile.
“You’re ad-libbing again, people…just stick to the script please,” Director Eileen reiterated.
The maiden nodded that she would. “Where is Prince Joseph? He sorely displease-ed me when he ran-eth away before I claim-ed his kiss-eth,” she said, as she attempted to look around, over and under Prince Adam and Prince Hoss while they guarded the royal Palace doors.
“Ain’t we got nobody else we kin git tuh guard these doors? I mean. . .Is all the guard-eths out killin’ dra-goons?” Prince Hoss said to Prince Adam.
“That’s draGONS, not draGOONS,” Adam whispered to him.
“. . .killin’ dra-GONS,” Prince Hoss restated correctly.
“Ah. . .not-so-fair maiden. . .thou dost not wish-eth a kiss from our younger brother. Wouldst be most tragic for thou,” Prince Adam said while he put a royal arm around her shoulder. “Wouldst it not, Prince Hoss?” he added.
Prince Hoss nodded. “Huh. . .Oh. . .Yeah it wouldst awright. Most tragic-eth,” he replied, shaking his head for emphasis.
“Tragic? How wouldst it be tragic?” the maiden asked him.
Prince Hoss reached down and scratched his leg in the bend of his knee. “These dadburn thangs shore do itch, don’t they,” he remarked.
Prince Adam merely frowned at him.
“Thou hast not answered my question! How wouldst it be tragic to accept but a small kiss-eth from Prince Joseph?” the not-so-fair maiden asked whilst she attempted to enter the royal Cartwright Palace.
Prince Adam stood in the middle of the doorway and placed one hand on one door post and placed the other hand on the other door post, blocking her path.
“Remove-est thouself, or I shall summon a charger to remove-est thou!” she ordered.
“Now look-est, ma’am-eth, we ain’t gonna let ya git at Little Joe. . .I mean. . .Prince Joseph, so’s ya jist might as well leave-eth right now-eth,” Prince Hoss said to the spurned maiden. Prince Hoss reached down and scratched the calf of his other leg and frowned. “Doggone these thangs enyhow,” he mumbled under his breath.
The not-so-fair maiden realized she would not be able to penetrate the mighty protective bond Prince Adam and Prince Hoss possessed for their young brother, so she sat down right in front of the royal Cartwright Palace door and crossed her arms in challenge, daring them to move her out of the way.
A puzzled look came over Prince Adam’s handsome face, and holding his royal crown on his head so it wouldn’t fall off, he bent over at the waist and said to her, “What, may-est I ask-eth art thou doing?”
She jutted her chin out at him and replied, “I’m protesting.”
“Protesting what-eth?” Prince Adam asked.
“I’m not moving until Prince Joseph give-eth me a kiss-eth. That’s what-eth,” she stated firmly.
Prince Adam raised up and looked at Prince Hoss. “Thou better go-eth and get-eth our brother,” he said, pushing the words through clenched teeth.
“Cain’t thou go-eth, Adam. . .I mean. . .Prince Adam. These dadblame tights itch worse ever time I take a step-eth.”
Prince Adam gave him a nudge towards the silver staircase. “Just go-eth!” he said in an exasperated tone of voice.
Prince Hoss obediently left in search of Prince Joseph, reaching down and scratching his legs while he walked.
“Wouldst thou care for some entertainment whilst thou’rt waiting?” Prince Adam asked the not-so-fair maiden.
“Indeed I wouldst,” she replied.
A single clap of Prince Adam’s hands brought the royal servant, Hop-eth Sing-eth, bearing the Prince’s golden guitar. Placing the silver studded strap around his royal neck, Prince Adam strummed the opening chords of “Early One Morning” and in his royal rich baritone voice, began to sing:
“Early one morning
Just as the sun was rising
I heard a maiden singing
In the valley below
Oh don’t deceive me
Oh never leave me
How could you use
A poor maiden so.
Remember, remember your vows
To marry, remember, remember
Your promise to be true
Oh don’t deceive me
Oh never leave me
How could you use
A poor maiden so.
Gay is the garland
And fresh are the roses
I culled from my garden
To bind upon thy brow
Oh don’t deceive me
Oh never leave me
How could you use
A poor maiden so.
Thus sang the maiden
Her sorrows bewailing
Thus sang the pretty maiden
In the valley below
Oh don’t deceive me
Oh never leave me
How could you use
A poor maiden so.”
He slowed his singing at this point and closing his royal brown eyes, he continued:
“Early one morning
Just as the sun was rising
I heard a maiden singing
In the valley below
Oh don’t deceive me
Oh never leave me
How could you use
A poor maiden so-o-o-o-o-o-o.”
When the last note faded away and he opened his eyes, the not-so-fair maiden was standing in front of him smiling and her eyes had a far-away dreamy look in them, all the while batting her eyelashes at him.
“Beautiful,” she replied. “Where didst thou learn to sing-eth like that-eth?”
Clearing his royal throat, he replied, “I was born that way-eth, and the ladies think-eth me practically perfect in every way-eth.”
“Boy have THEY got a lot to learn-eth,” Prince Joseph piped up from the royal staircase. Prince Hoss stood beside him scratching his legs and blowing his hat plume out of his eyes, that insisted on drooping down across his face. “Dadburn it,” he mumbled as he scratched again. “How much longer I gotta wear these dadblamed tights?” he said loudly.
“Not long,” Director Eileen responded. “Now, please! My fairy tale! Just indulge me a bit longer, Hoss, please?!” she pleaded.
“I’m tryin’. . .it’s jist suh dadburned silly. . .and I wanna know when Pa gits tuh make an entrance in his tights. We ain’t seen the color a-his’n yet,” Hoss replied.
“Hoss, please. . .can we just get on with this,” Joe wanted to know.
“Yeah, I reckon so, but I’ll tell ya this, I’ll be dang glad when this story comes tuh an end,” Hoss replied.
“I haven’t written an ending yet, so you’re going to have to wear those tights until I do,” Director Eileen responded. “Alright, everybody. . .places. . .get in your places. Hoss stop scratching!” she called out.
“Dadburn it!” Hoss mumbled. “Iffen Eileen tries somethin’ like this agin, I’m gonna have the Sheriff arrest her.”
“There IS no Sheriff in this adventure, Hoss,” Adam replied.
“Oh yeah,” Hoss responded.
“Anyway, I think it’s kind. . .” Adam started.
“. . . .of fun,” Joe and Hoss said along with him.
“Yeah, well you’re the poetry and plays type of guy anyway,” Joe remarked to Adam.
“Could we jist git this over with. I’m itchin’ somethin’ awful in these dang fool thangs,” Hoss said with a pained look on his face.
“Okay, okay! Places everybody. . .And. . .ACTION!” Director Eileen called out.
The not-so-fair maiden threw her arms around Prince Adam’s royal neck and sighed deeply. Prince Joseph looked on in amusement while Prince Hoss continued to scratch his legs.
“Thou hast the voice of an angel, Prince Adam. I think-est I wish-est to marry thou instead of Prince Joseph,” the not-so-fair maiden said.
“MARRY! Whoa now! Who said-est anything about-est marriage?! Yoo-hoo…Eileen….help me out here!” Prince Adam remarked nervously as he backed his way around the royal low table in front of the royal fireplace.
“Thou could-est not have sung like that if thou didst have no feelings for fair maiden,” the not-so-fair maiden replied as she followed Prince Adam around the royal low table in front of the royal fireplace.
“Indeed thou could-est,” Prince Adam answered back in a rather nervous tone of voice as he made his way backwards around the royal low table a second time.
The not-so-fair maiden continued to follow him and looked at him with sad eyes. “Thou mean-est thou dost not love thee?”
“I’m sorry maiden, but thou durst not,” he replied most sincerely with a hand placed over his heart.
The not-so-fair maiden placed the back of her hand on her forehead and turned her face away from him. “Alas. . oh woe is me. . .for I hast been spurned by TWO Cartwright’s and I am not even wearing the dreaded color blue-eth. Oh Woe. . .WOe. . .WOE is me!” the not-so-fair maiden lamented as she gathered up her flowing pink skirts and swooped back in her waiting pink chariot, and giving the command to take her away, she vanished into thin air, leaving only a pink haze behind.
Watching the scorned not-so-fair maiden disappear before their very eyes, the Cartwright princes all sighed relief, especially Prince Adam.
“Whew-eth! What in tarnation-eth did ya promise thet little gal-eth anyway, little brother-eth?” Prince Hoss asked the young prince.
“All I did was smile-eth at her,” he answered.
“Yeah, well that’s just like-eth saying. . .Come and get-est me,” Prince Adam replied as he waved his arm in a swooping manner.
“Aww, thou art jealous, my brother, for thou dost not possess-eth the charm,” Prince Joseph replied most confidently.
“Yeah, well next time Prince CHARM-ing. . . .charm a PRETTY one. . .not one that-eth resembles a mud fence-eth,” Prince Adam answered.
Prince Hoss scratched his legs again and blew the feathered plume out of his eyes once more.
In the meantime, the royal trumpeters sounded the arrival of King Ben.
“Hark! Royal Father has arrive-ed,” Prince Adam announced while one hand cupped his royal right ear.
“Hoss! Stop scratching!” Director Eileen called out once again.
“Yeah, Hoss, if you’d stop that scratching, Eileen wouldn’t have to keep stopping the fairy tale. Don’t you know this is going to be her last contribution to Fan Fiction!” Adam scolded his brother, Hoss.
“Her last fan fiction?” Joe asked.
“That’s what she said. She said she wanted something special for her last one so that her fans would read something they’d always remember her by,” Adam replied.
“I’m sorry tuh hear thet she’s gonna stop writin’, but I’ll still be mighty glad when this’uns over,” Hoss complained while he scratched. “Ain’t there no more pair a-these thangs I kin wear thet wouldn’t itch suh dadblame much?!” Hoss pleaded while he scratched again.
“The only pair that hasn’t been claimed are the BLUE ones, Hoss,” Director Eileen stated. “And I’m saving those for the villain in this story,” she added.
“Dagnabit, anyway!” he complained. “I guess I kin make myself wear ‘em til this silly tale is done.”
“You through complaining?” Adam asked Hoss in an annoyed tone of voice. “Besides, I think it’s kind of. . .”
“Fun,” Joe and Hoss said together with Adam.
“Fun or not. . .these dadblamed thangs still itch,” Hoss complained.
“Alright. . .let’s get on with it!” Director Eileen ordered. “Places. . .ACTION!”
“Hark! Royal Father has arrive-ed,” Prince Adam said as he cupped one hand around his ear.
King Ben rode into the royal yard in a kingly fashion, sitting high atop his noble steed. “Whoa, Buck-eth,” King Ben said to his faithful horse. Dismounting, then throwing his royal robe over his shoulder, he strode in a royal fashion towards his princely sons.
Joe leaned over to Hoss and whispered. “Pa looks even funnier in tights than WE do.” The two of them stifled a laugh.
“His tights are…SILVER!” Adam whispered. “She put him in SILVER tights!” Adam chuckled in a low tone.
“Makes ‘im look a mite ex-tinguished don’t it,” Hoss added with a chuckle of his own.
“I think you mean DIStinguished, Hoss,” Adam corrected.
“Makes ‘im look thet too,” Hoss answered with another snicker.
Holding his silver head high and in a proud fashion, King Ben strode up to his princely sons. “Hail, thou sons of thine. Hast thou behave-ed thouselves whilst thou poor father hast been out protecting thine royal Kingdom?” King Ben asked.
“Poor? Pa, we ain’t poor, we got this whole Kingdom,” Hoss said in reply with a swoop of his arm at their surroundings.
“It’s just a figure of speech, Hoss,” Ben replied. “When you say it the way I said it, it means being unappreciated, not POOR. . .like with no money. . .but. . .oh never mind,” he added.
“Prince Hoss and Yours Truly, have behave-ed, but alas. . .Prince Joseph hast not. Once again, thou baby son hast scorned not-so-fair a maiden,” Prince Adam replied in ateasing tone of voice and a glint in his eye.
King Ben put his hands on his royal hips. “How many times hast I told thou to leave-est the maidens alone?” he said in an exasperated tone of voice.
“I’m sorry, King Pa. I was just riding Cochise-eth when the not-so-fair maiden appeared right before-eth my very eyes,” Prince Joseph offered as explanation.
“Well…where is she? Let’s get the audience over with. I’m tired and want to rest-eth,” King Ben said to him. He looked over at Prince Hoss, who was having an awful time with the drooping feathered plume and itchy tights. “What bothers thou?” King Ben said to Prince Hoss.
“Aww. . .it’s these dadblame tights, Pa. . .I mean. . .King Pa. . .they jist itch somethin’ awful. Cain’t ya outlaw ‘em er somp’n’,” Prince Hoss answered.
“What dost thou suggest I replace-eth them with. . .a suit of armor and have thou clanging all over the place-eth,” King Ben replied in an irritable tone.
“It’d be a dang sight better’n these dadburn thangs, I’ll tell thou that right-eth now,” Prince Hoss answered. “Why we gotta do this silly fairy tale enyhow?”
“Because I told you. . .it’s Eileen’s last fan fiction, that’s why-eth,” Prince Adam replied. “Besides, I think it’s kind of. . .”
“You say this is fun one more time and I’ll break thou golden guitar over-est thou royal head-est!” Prince Joseph replied, his voice rising with each word spoken.
“Sires. . .please. . .don’t fuss so,” a soft, gentle voice sounded from the doorway.
All eyes were directed in that direction and widened at the sight before their royal eyes. The three princes almost tripped over their royal swords as they hurried over to the one who had spoken in such a sweet voice.
“Mm-Mm,” Prince Joseph sounded at the sight of her.
“Hello, hello, hello,” Prince Adam responded as he drank in her beauty.
“Yippee-ti-o!” Prince Hoss resounded when he caught sight of her.
“I am but a lonely traveler who hast lost her way. Couldst thou and offer mine horse a refreshing drink from thou golden horse trough, and tell me the way to Bonanza Worldland?”
“You betcha we kin. . .I mean. . .t’would be our most pleasure-eth,” Prince Hoss answered.
“Enter our humble royal palace, thou fairest of maidens,” Prince Adam said as he took one arm.
“I saw-eth her first-eth, OLDER brother,” Prince Joseph said to Prince Adam, pushing his words through clenched teeth and taking her other arm.
“I’m older, young’un, so I get first royal tabs on her,” Prince Adam said to Prince Joseph, also pushing his words through clenched teeth.
“Hey. . .what about ME?!” Prince Hoss piped up when Prince Adam and Prince Joseph hogged the fair maiden for themselves.
“You can have her horse,” Prince Adam and Prince Joseph said simultaneously as they ushered the maiden inside the royal living room and seated her on the royal settee.
“This is our royal father, King Ben,” Prince Adam said to her. “I’m Prince Adam. . .first-born and heir to the throne,” he added, looking menacingly at Prince Joseph. “and I’m also the only one who hast been royally educated,” he added with an air of conceit.
“I’m Prince Joseph. Youngest and most royally experienced in how to treat a maiden,” he said in his most honey-dripping, wooing tone of voice as he raised her hand to his lips and kissed it while he peered into her dark eyes.
“Yeah, thou managed to make the last one disappear royally into thin air,” Prince Adam commented sarcastically in a low tone.
“I’m sorry, what was it thou said-est?” the maiden asked sweetly as she turned her eyes to Prince Adam.
“Uh. . .I said-est. . .Um. . .thou hast most lovely chestnut hair,” Prince Adam replied.
“Thou art most kind, Prince Adam,” the maiden responded as she blushed royally sweetly.
“My name’s Hoss ma’am. . .I mean I’m Prince Hoss, ma’am-eth,” Prince Hoss piped up, then reached down and scratched his leg.
King Ben quietly retreated to his royal red throne by the royal stone fireplace and tossing his flowing royal robe behind him, sat down to observe.
The maiden looked at each prince and smiled sweetly, then said, “Thou hast been most kind to thee, but thou hast not told fair maiden the way to Bonanza Worldland. And I must arrive there before the clock strikes midnight, else doom and gloom await me, then I shalt not be able to marry mine beloved.”
Prince Adam and Prince Joseph stood up simultaneously and exclaimed, also simultaneously, “You’re engaged?!”
The maiden shook her head. “No, not exactly.”
Prince Adam and Prince Joseph sat back down simultaneously, and each took her hand. “Oh, well that’s different,” Prince Adam replied.
“I’ll jist go take care of the horse,” Prince Hoss said. Seemingly being ignored by his princely brothers, he exited the room, scratching his legs vigorously as he did.
Prince Joseph raised her hand to his lips and kissed her hand again. “What didst thou mean by. . .not exactly.”
“Well, I’ve never met him, and I must search for him and find him before midnight.”
Prince Adam frowned. “Well if thou hast never met him, how wilt thou know when thou hast found him?”
“I’ll know. There are seven things he will be: kind; generous in nature; pure in heart; gentle; possess wisdom; reveals truth; and ready to defend at all costs.”
“Oh well, heck, it shouldn’t be too hard to find somebody like that,” Prince Joseph replied. “But I don’t know why you’d want to, when you could have me,” he said as he kissed her hand again and smiled his most winsome smile at her.
The maiden jumped up from the royal settee. “Thou dost not understand! If I do not find this man before midnight, I lose my life! I shall disappear and be force-ed to wander aimlessly through space forever, without ever having known true love or taste true love’s first kiss!” The maiden began to weep and sat back down between Prince Adam and Prince Joseph.
Prince Adam put a royal arm around her dainty shoulders. “T’would be a pity not to know true love. I shall go along and help thou search-est.”
“YOU go along?!” Prince Joseph exclaimed. “I can help search just as good as you can, OLDER brother! I’m coming too.”
“Tis no need for thou to tag-eth along, thou wouldst only be a royal pain in my royal…” Prince Adam retorted, speaking through clenched teeth.
Prince Joseph put his face close to Prince Adam’s face. “Royal pain in your royal WHAT-ETH?” Prince Joseph shot back, saying the words so forcefully, a small amount of spittle emerged from his royal mouth and landed on Prince Adam’s black tunic.
“Neck,” Prince Adam replied, wiping his tunic with his royal handkerchief. Prince Adam glared at his youngest brother, who was wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, and trying not to laugh. “She’s looking for her true love. . .right?” Prince Adam said.
“Right.”
“And she’s never seen him. . .right?”
“Right.”
“So. . .if she’s never SEEN him, and since this is a FAIRY TALE, then. . .”
“Any of us could be her true love and could marry her, and since she’s not wearing that dratted blue dress, she might accidentally live and at least ONE of the Cartwright’s would be married,” Prince Joseph finished for him.
“EXACTLY!” Prince Adam exclaimed joyously.
“Well that settles it. . .I’m going along too. I want to know which one of us it’ll be,” Prince Joseph proclaimed.
“Goin’ where?” Prince Hoss chimed in when he came through the door.
“To Bonanza Worldland with. . .” Turning to the maiden, Prince Adam asked, “What is thou name?”
The maiden looked at him, took a deep breath and said, “Princess Superkalifragilistikexpialidocious. . .but you can call me Ali,” she replied with a smile.
Prince Hoss frowned and looked at Princess Ali. “What kinda name is, Superkali. . .Superkal. . .whatever you said?”
“Superkalifragilistikexpialidocious.”
“Yeah. What kinda name IS that?”
“Well, that’s the name Eileen gave me when I agreed to play the part of the Princess in this fairy tale.”
“Oh,” Prince Hoss replied. “That explains everthang,” he added nodding his head and rolling his eyes in understanding, then reached down and scratched his leg. “Dadburn these thangs!” he muttered.
Turning to Prince Adam, Princess Ali said, “Wilt thou help me! Time is running out. I must find true love before midnight.”
“Of course we’ll help you,” King Ben said from his royal throne. “We’ll all go help thou search.”
Princess Ali was overjoyed and clapped her hands. “Oh, how wilt I ever be able to repay thou?!”
“No need for that. I have my princely sons and this beautiful kingdom. . .I need-est nothing else,” King Ben replied.
“Thou art a most good King, Your Highness,” Princess Ali said as she bowed low in front of him.
Taking her hands in his, King Ben said, “Now none of that. There is no need to bow in front of thee.” King Ben helped her to stand.
“Thou art indeed a most good King,” she said, as her eyes welled up with tears. “Perhaps THOU art my true love,” she replied, then with a saddened expression on her face, she added, “But, alas, I fear thou art not, else I wouldst surely know if thou truly wert.”
King Ben patted her hand, then announced, “Prepare the royal horses! We shall escort fair maiden to Bonanza Worldland in search of her true love!”
Prince Adam, Prince Hoss, Prince Joseph and Princess Superkali. . .ahem. . .Princess Ali, followed King Ben out the royal palace door where they mounted their noble steeds: Buck-eth; Cochise-eth; Chubb-eth and Sport-eth. Princess Ali was given a fresh mount to ride as her poor horse had been ridden for a very long time and refused to move from the golden water trough.
Traveling ever forward towards Bonanza Worldland, the determined troupe was always mindful of any possible danger that may be lurking in their path and upon approaching the dense Ponderosa Pine Tree Forest, King Ben halted his riders.
“Halt! Now you know we have to pass-eth through Ponderosa Pine Tree Forest to get-eth to the other side and we know not what evil may be lurking therein,” King Ben reminded them. “We must be ever on the alert for. . .” and lowering his voice to barely a whisper, he said, “The Evil Blue One.”
“The Evil Blue One?” Princess Ali repeated.
“Sh-h-h-h!” Prince Joseph said, pressing a finger to his royal lips. “Not so loud!” he said in a loud whisper.
“Who’s The Evil Blue One?” Princess Ali asked, whispering.
Prince Adam frowned and a concerned look crossed his handsome royal face. “Oh, he’s evil. . .very evil,” he replied, shaking his head.
“What make-eth him evil?” Princess Ali questioned.
“He likes the color blue-eth and if the blue from his wicked blue wand, touch-est thou, thou wilt turn-est blue. . .or at least thou clothes do-eth and then thou art as good as dead-eth,” Prince Adam replied.
“That’s why we don’t like to pass through The Ponderosa Pine Tree Forest. Our Kingdom boundary ends right here and if we were to step off our royal land, we run-eth the risk of having The Evil Blue One turn our clothes blue-eth,” King Ben answered.
“Well, mebbe iffen these thangs WERE blue, they t’wouldn’t itch suh dadblame much,” Prince Hoss piped up as he raised his leg off the saddle and scratched it. . .his leg, not the saddle. “What’s these thangs made of enyhow. . .itch weed?” he added as he scratched vigorously and a pained look crossing his princely face.
Princess Ali touched Prince Hoss on his shoulder and smiled at him. “I’ll speak-eth to Eileen about-eth the tights.”
“Thanks,” Prince Hoss replied. “She don’t seem tuh listen tuh me none.”
Turning to King Ben, Princess Ali said, “Thou wouldst pass through the dark forest to help me. . .a stranger. . .putting thou life and the lives of thou sons at risk?”
King Ben smiled at her. “Thou camest as a stranger, but art now a friend. A true friend wilt help another friend, regardless of the cost. Besides, my princely sons and I have fought many evil-doers in our lifetime to protect our kingdom from being taken away. When it comes right down to it though, I suppose the ONLY things that really matter to me are my sons, because without them, I wouldn’t want all the rest.”
Princess Ali began to cry softly. “I have never heard words spoken so beautifully before in my life.”
“Dadburn it, Pa, ya got me suh all fired choked up, I think I’m gonna cry,” Hoss said.
“Don’t do THAT. . .you know it makes Joe cry when he sees you crying,” Adam replied.
“You’re ad-libbing again, fellas…Stick to the script, please!” Director Eileen called out.
“Kind in spirit . .one of the seven requirements,” Princess Ali thought to herself. “But all four of them possess that trait. I can’t marry all FOUR of them. . .fairy tale or no fairy tale,” she thought to herself. Sighing, she looked at each one and wondered if maybe one of them WAS her true love. . .but which one. Could it be Prince Adam…Decisive and maybe a bit stubborn, but certainly handsome enough. Could it be Prince Joseph…Impetuous and full of energy, and HE certainly is handsome enough. Could it be Prince Hoss…Strong, but gentle, and he’s handsome enough too. Could it be King Ben…Wise, confident, and je’s handsome also. “Alas, alas,” Princess Ali sighed to herself.
Taking a deep breath, King Ben urged Buck-eth slowly forward into the dense, dark Ponderosa Pine Tree Forest. Quietly, and with their royal eyes darting from one dark tree branch to the other, the three princes watched diligently for a sign. . .ANY sign that The Evil Blue One may be in the near vicinity. Prince Joseph rode directly behind King Ben, Princess Ali rode behind him, followed by Prince Hoss and Prince Adam rode at the end of the entourage.
Bravely guiding their faithful steeds through the thickness of the forest, they plodded steadily forward towards Bonanza Worldland, which lay on the far side of The Ponderosa Pine Tree Forest. . .The Evil Blue One’s territory. Reaching the edge of the forest, the small band of brave ones spied Bonanza Worldland in the distance.
“So far, so good,” King Ben remarked as he held up his hand as an indication to proceed towards the lazy, little, but dull and dreary town they’ve always wanted to visit, but had no reason to. . .until now. A friend needed their help and they were going to give it. Not that they were ever AFRAID to visit Bonanza Worldland you see, but they had heard so many crazy things about the female population there and their obsession with dark haired men; men with hazel eyes; big men with blue eyes and older men with silver hair. . .And some even drool over someone with a name that sounds like…Candy…or something like that…Oh well they decided they would be CAUTIOUS. . .not AFRAID. . . “there’s a difference,” their father explained to them once. . .so they stayed clear of Bonanza Worldland. Besides, that’s where The Evil Blue One kept showing up and turning all the girls’ dresses blue. Needless to say, the undertaker was Bonanza Worldland’s leading citizen, and you never saw a bolt of blue cloth ANYWHERE in Bonanza Worldland. Not only that, it was always dark, dull and dreary and the sun never shone in Bonanza Worldland, unlike being on the Kingdom of Ponderosa, where everything was lush, green, pleasant and the sun always shone.
Having his mind on watching for The Evil Blue One, Prince Hoss forgot all about his itchy tights.
A dark figure in the dark shadows of The Ponderosa Pine Tree Forest watched with their evil blue eyes as King Ben, Princes Adam, Hoss, Joseph and Princess Ali trudged closer to the small town.
“Heh, heh, heh. . .I’ve got you now, oh mighty King. You’re in MY territory now. One false move and I’ll turn the whole lot of you blue. Heh, heh, heh,” The Evil Blue One laughed wickedly, then reaching down and scratching his blue tights, he ran deep into the shadows of The Ponderosa Pine Tree Forest.
“Well, here we are, Princess Ali,” King Ben announced when they stopped their horses on the outskirts of Bonanza Worldland.
“It seem-eth too quiet, durst it not, King Pa?” Prince Adam remarked.
“It doth indeed seem-eth too quiet,” King Ben replied.
“Where do-eth we start looking, Princess?” Prince Joseph asked her.
“Thee dost not know,” she answered.
“T’will be hard to locate thou true love if thou know-est not where to look-eth,” Prince Adam said, while he leaned forward in his saddle.
“I know-est. And I feel so guilty that thou hast burdened thouself with my plight,” Princess Ali said back to him.
King Ben reached out to her and patted her hand. “Don’t you worry about-eth that. We told you we would help you, and King Ben and his sons always keep their word.”
“Because a man’s word is his most sacred bond,” Prince Adam said, striking a most delightful pose.
King Ben, Prince Joseph and Prince Hoss all groaned and rolled their eyes at the eldest royal Prince, signifying their royal annoyance at him for his constant quotes and most delightful poses. When he saw them looking very unroyally at him, Prince Adam shrugged his shoulders, then resumed his normal, natural leaning pose.
“Hold-eth it right there, King Ben!” a loud, harsh voice sounded behind him. King Ben and his three princely sons stiffened themselves in their royal saddles.
“Who art thou?” King Ben asked.
“Someone who’s been wanting to get you for a long time. And now, you ride right into my hands.” The laugh was most sinister sounding.
King Ben slowly turned his horse to look into the face of the one who had spoken and laughed so maliciously. His sons and Princess Ali did the same. They glanced at each other, then nodding in understanding, King Ben said, “The Evil Blue One.”
“At thou royal service,” The Evil Blue One replied as he bowed low. Standing up straight, he said, “Get-eth down.”
Stepping down out of his royal saddle, King Ben replied, “We want-eth no trouble. We just want to help Princess Ali find someone. When we’ve done that, we’ll leave.”
“Who dost thou wish to find? I know-eth everybody here,” The Evil Blue One said, looking at the Princess.
“I know-est not his name, only that he is kind; generous in nature; pure in heart; gentle; has wisdom; reveals truth; and defends at all costs,” she replied.
“Bwaaaaahahaha!” The Evil Blue One blurted out loudly. “You come to the wrong town lady! Ain’t NOBODY here that fits THAT description!”
Princess Ali began to weep and lament. “But I durst not understand. I wast told I wouldst find him here. And I must find him before the clock chime-th midnight.”
“What happens then? Your pumpkin turn into glass slippers?” The Evil Blue One taunted her, then laughed wickedly.
“What shalt I do?! What shalt I do?!” Princess Ali lamented as she leaned over in her saddle.
Prince Adam placed a kind hand on her shoulder. “Durst not worry thyself, Princess, we’re still going to help you find whom thou seek-est. Right, King Pa?”
“Of course we art,” King Ben replied.
“You betcha,” Prince Hoss said.
“Just let-eth somebody try and stop us,” Prince Joseph spoke up while he glared at The Evil Blue One.
“Careful, little boy prince, thou art on my turf now. Thou play-est MY game. And just remember. . .you’re off the Kingdom of Ponderosa now, your magic of goodness and right won’t work here, but mine of all that’s bad does,” The Evil Blue One said menacingly.
“Joseph,” King Ben said to his youngest when he saw his hazel eyes throwing daggers at The Evil Blue One.
Prince Hoss and Prince Adam each put a restraining hand on each of young Prince Joseph’s shoulders.
“I’ll make thou a deal, King Ben. If thou find-est who the Princess is looking for before midnight. . .you’re free to go. . .no harm will befall you. However, if the Princess fails to find her practically perfect person, then she stays here with me and lives the rest of her life in Bonanza Worldland,” The Evil Blue One said.
King Ben looked at him and shook his head at him. “No deals,” he replied in a definite tone.
“But I’m offering you a chance to save your life and the lives of your sons.”
Not taking his eyes off The Evil Blue One, King Ben replied, “No. . .deals.”
“I shalt accept thou offer,” Princess Ali spoke up.
King Ben’s eyes widened at her statement. “Thou can’st do that Princess! Thou know-est not who thou art dealing with!” he said to her.
“King Pa is right. He’s evil and wicked and thou can’st not trust him,” Prince Adam said to her.
“Thet’s fer sure,” Prince Hoss piped up. “Anybody thet’d wear BLUE tights, cain’t be trusted no further then I could th’ow one a-these here buildin’s,” he quipped.
“Just let him try and make you stay,” Prince Joseph said in a challenging tone of voice.
“One last chance, King,” the Evil Blue One taunted.
Standing firmly in place, King Ben replied, “No deals.”
The Evil Blue One’s eyes turned fiery red, then cold, stone dead blue. “Then consider this a warning. You have until midnight. You don’t find who the Princess is looking for by then and you try to take her back to your Kingdom, you’ll never reach it alive. One or ALL of you will die. You have my word on that.”
King Ben glared back at him. “If we don’t find who she’s looking for by midnight, she’s returning to Kingdom of Ponderosa with us. YOU have MY word on THAT. And we WILL reach home alive. ALL of us. You have my word on THAT too.”
“Very well. Let the games begin.” The Evil Blue One turned around three times and seemed to have disappeared into thin air.
“Oh dear. What have I gotten thou into,” Princess Ali said as she began weeping again. Raising her head again, she said, “I must find him, King Ben! I must! I do not wish to stay with Evil Blue One!”
“Durst not worry thyself, Princess. . .Truth and Right always prevail and they will this time, too,” Prince Adam responded.
“I hope thou art right, Prince Adam,” Princess Ali said.
“Of course I’m right. I read the script,” Adam responded.
“Then what’re we doin’ all this dang silly stuff fer,” Hoss replied.
“Because it’s in the fan fiction,” Adam replied.
“Oh yeah,” Hoss said quietly.
“Well, let’s get on with it then,” King Ben said as he mounted his noble steed once again.
Searching every building diligently and thoroughly, the fearless foursome and the pretty Princess began to grow weary and hungry. Stopping at the Café, they dismounted and walked inside. Finding no one to serve them, they helped themselves to a meal of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, fried green tomatoes, hominy and homemade bread and scalding hot coffee to wash it all down with. When they finished, King Ben placed twenty silver pieces on the counter to pay for the food they ate.
“No one is here, King Ben. Why didst thou leave silver?” Princess Ali asked.
“Because what we took didn’t belong to us, so we owed them something for taking it,” he replied.
“But you gave so much for what little we took,” she said back to him.
“I like giving. It makes me feel good to share with others what I have,” he responded.
His sons smiled at him.
Princess Ali had a far away look in her eyes. “Generous in nature,” she thought. “Maybe it is King Ben who is my true love. But I cannot make that decision until all seven requirements have been met by only ONE man.”
“Come, Princess, we must continue our search, it will be midnight in a few hours,” King Ben said as he took her elbow.
Opening the Café door, Prince Adam stepped outside, only to be met by a painted up faced woman in a short dress attempting to capture his heart. Prince Adam backed away from her and waved his arm at her. “Be gone, thou evil temptress!” he retorted. “Be gone! Thou wilt not beguile me!”
The painted up woman quickly vanished and it amazed Princess Ali. “Pure in heart. . .can it be Prince Adam?” she thought. Shaking her head to rid the cobwebs of all her thoughts, she followed the four of them out into the street.
Their search had turned up no one of Princess Ali’s description and she began to become disheartened Sitting down in the middle of the street, Princess Ali started weeping. “It just isn’t any use, I’ll never find him before midnight!”
Prince Hoss sat down beside her and placed a comforting arm around her and pulled her to him. “Don’t cry Princess, I cain’t stand tuh see nothin’ hurtin’. We’ll find ‘im, I promise ya.”
Princess Ali looked at Prince Hoss through her teary eyes. “Gentle. . .is it Prince Hoss I’m searching for?” she thought.
“Let’s keep looking Princess. If he’s here, we’ll find him,” King Ben said as he and Prince Hoss helped her to stand.
Continuing their search, they came upon two little girls fighting each other over a rag doll. Prince Joseph bent down between them and separated the two of them. The rag doll landed face down in the dusty street. Both little girls scrambled for it, but Prince Joseph snatched it up and held it high above his royal head out of their reach.
“Alright. Who dost this doll belong-eth to?” he asked them both.
“ME!” they both answered.
“Well it seems we have a problem here. Two little girls. . .one little rag doll. Now who does she belong to?”
“ME!” they both answered again.
“Well I guess there’s only one thing I can do,” he said. Drawing his sword out of its sheath, he placed the little rag doll on the ground and raised his sword. “I’ll cut the doll in half and each of you shall have half.” Raising his sword higher, one of the little girls cried out. “NO! Don’t! Let her have it! Just don’t hurt the dolly!”
“Go ahead! Cut it in half!” the other child said.
Prince Joseph looked at the one little girl who had her face in her hands crying. He picked up the rag doll and handed it to her. “Here, honey, take your dolly and go home.” The little girl smiled and hugged the rag doll to her and ran away. The other little girl ran off in the other direction and Prince Joseph stood up and replaced his sword in its sheath.
“How did you know which little girl the doll belonged to?” Princess Ali asked him.
“Simple. When she thought I was going to cut the doll in half and she cried out to give it to the other little girl, I knew it was hers. She would rather give it up than have it hurt. If you love something or someone, you do what you have to do to protect it, even if you have to give it up to someone else,” he answered.
“Possess wisdom. . .” she thought. “It must be Prince Joseph. But no. . .there are two requirements left. Who shall possess those?” she wondered.
With the ticking of the clock nearing midnight and still no practically perfect person found for Princess Ali, King Ben drew her aside. “I’m sorry Princess, we tried to find the one you’re looking for. It just wasn’t meant to be. I’m sorry.”
Princess Ali looked at him through teary eyes. “I just know he’s here, King Ben. I COULDN’T have come all this way just to be left to wander aimlessly through space, or stay in this cold, dead town with Evil Blue One. I just know we’ll find him. There’s still a few minutes left.”
King Ben held her hands between his. “Princess. . .there comes a time when everyone must face the truth. You must face it NOW. There is NO practically perfect person here for you.”
Princess Ali began to weep bitterly. “I realize that now.” Looking at King Ben with teary eyes, she said, “There was one such person. . .in St. Louis. . .but I ran away from him, because I thought I could find someone else better. . .Now I know-est it was he, I seek-eth.”
“We were put in your path to help you realize that,” King Ben said to her solemnly.
“You have reveal-ed the truth to me. There is but one requirement left before I can find my way to him. . .you must defend me at all costs.”
The tower clock in the middle of town began to chime midnight.
“Come Princess. . .It is time for us to return to the Kingdom of Ponderosa where there is always sweetness and light and the sun is always shining,” King Ben said to her.
Princess Ali nodded and allowed King Ben to pull her up to her feet. He helped her mount her horse then he mounted his, as did the three princes. Together the five of them rode towards The Ponderosa Pine Tree Forest and to Kingdom of Ponderosa on the other side. But before they made their way to the edge of town, The Evil Blue One appeared in a puff of blue smoke.
“Well Princess Ali. You didn’t find him here did you?” The Evil Blue One said.
Princess Ali hung her head. “No. I didst not, but I know now what I must do.”
“Then you are required to keep your promise and stay here forever.”
“She’s leaving with us, Evil Blue One,” King Ben said to him.
“It’s not your business now, King!”
“Well I’m making it my business. She comes with us. She has another journey to make.” King Ben urged Buck-eth forward, as did the others.
The Evil Blue One reached down the back of his blue shirt and pulled out a blue wicked wand. Raising it, he said, “I said she stays!”
King Ben smacked her horse, causing him to start galloping. “Ride Princess and don’t stop!” he yelled to her.
The Evil Blue One lowered his wand just as Princess Ali rushed past him. The dreaded blue powder landed on the ground, turning it blue.
The Evil Blue One raised his wand again and pointed it at Prince Adam. Kicking with his foot, the prince knocked the wicked blue wand from The Evil Blue One’s hand. With that, the King and his sons galloped off after Princess Ali.
Reaching the edge of The Ponderosa Pine Tree Forest, they saw Princess Ali waiting for them. “GO!” the four of them yelled at her, and waved their arms.
Seeing The Evil Blue One fast approaching with his wicked blue wand raised, she cut in behind Prince Adam just as The Evil Blue One lowered his wicked wand. Blue powder struck Princess Ali and she fell from her horse and landed on the ground with a thud sending the blue powder spraying all around her.
Prince Joseph took out his sword and relieved The Evil Blue One of his evil life. Suddenly, the sun came out and Bonanza Worldland was full of activity and life again, for it was now rid of The Evil Blue One for good.
Taking no thought for their own safety from the dreaded blue powder around the princess, King Ben and his three sons dismounted and kneeled down beside Princess Ali, their knees embedded deep in blue dust. They looked into her face and watched as her eyes fluttered open, and heard her say, “Defends at all costs. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ”
**********
“. . . . . . . .Defends at all costs,” she murmured, and became frightened when she saw four faces looking at her. She drew in her breath and tried to sit up.
“No need to be afraid. We’re not going to hurt you,” Ben said in a soothing tone. What’s your name, Miss?” he said to the young woman lying in the bed in one of the upstairs bedrooms, when she opened her eyes wide and looked around the room.
“Where am I?” she asked in a shaky and frightened voice.
“You’re at our home. . . .the Ponderosa. I’m Ben Cartwright and these are my sons,” Ben replied.
She opened her eyes wider and looked at each of them. “Ponderosa? The Kingdom of Ponderosa?”
“Kingdom of Ponderosa?” Adam questioned curiously.
The young woman nodded her head. “Yes.”
“Well, many people think we own half of Nevada, but this is just our home, Miss, not a…kingdom,” Ben replied kindly.
The young woman sat up straight against the headboard of the bed. “But it is a Kingdom! And you rescued me from The Evil Blue One!”
“Evil Blue One?” Joe mouthed silently to Adam. Adam shrugged his shoulders. Hoss frowned.
“Look, Miss. . .I don’t really know what you’re talking about, but my son, Adam, here, found you lying by the side of the road and brought you here. You’ve been unconscious for several days now. For awhile there, we didn’t know if you were going to pull through or not.”
“Unconscious? Several days? I’m so confused. . .I” she said as she closed her eyes and put her hand over her face.
“Why don’t you just lie back now and rest. We can talk more later, but we DO want to know who you are and why you were lying on the side of the road,” Ben said as he gently pushed the young woman back down in the bed. “You rest, and we’ll talk more later,” he added.
The young woman grabbed his hand and held tightly to it. “NO! Please! I want to talk now! Please!”
“But you need rest, you had a terrible head wound,” Ben replied to her.
“But I know YOU. . .surely you know ME, too,” she said confidently as she looked at each one of them.
“I’m sorry, Miss, but we surely don’t know you at all,” Ben replied kindly, and shaking his head negatively.
She pointed to him. “You’re King Ben. . .and you’re Prince Adam. . .you’re Prince Hoss, and you’re Prince Joseph,” she said with confidence in her voice, as she pointed to each of them, and looked at them with seriousness in her eyes.
“King Ben?” “Prince Adam?” “Prince Hoss?” “Prince Joseph?” they all asked in unison.
Nodding her head confidently, she replied, “Yes! The four of you rule the Kingdom of the Ponderosa, and. . .” she paused. Noting their ranch clothing, she said, “. . .you carried swords. . .and you. . .wore tunics and. . .tights,” she added quietly, almost embarrassed.
The four of them burst out laughing as they looked at each other, and thinking about the prospect, caused them to laugh even harder. Joe’s cackling laugh overshadowed any laugh any of them could ever muster up. Noticing the young woman was crying now, Ben controlled his laughter and patted her shoulder.
“I’m not crazy, am I? The Kingdom of Ponderosa is a REAL place, isn’t it? I’m not crazy, am I King Ben?” she said between sobs and tears.
“Of course you’re not crazy,” Ben said in a comforting and soothing tone of voice. “All you need is some rest. We’ll talk later. Now you just rest,” he said to her, pulling the quilt up to her chin and patting her shoulder again. “Come on, boys, let’s let her get some rest,” he added, as he ushered his sons out of the young woman’s room. Still trying desperately to control their laughter at the thought of the four of them in tights, Adam, Hoss and Joe clung to each other, as they exited her room. Ben followed and closed the door to her room quietly.
Laughing, himself, Ben followed his sons downstairs to the living room, where they allowed themselves to bellow out in loud guffaws. After awhile, Ben gained control of his laughter, as did Adam. Hoss continued to laugh, while he held his stomach, and Joe wiped tears from his eyes, he had been laughing so hard.
“Poor thing. . .really believes we’re Kings and Princes,” Ben said. “That bump on her head must have been worse than we thought,” he added.
“We still don’t know who she is, but she seems to know OUR names. . .despite the fact that we’re not Kings and Princes,” Adam replied.
Hoss suddenly stopped laughing. “Yeah, Pa. . .how do ya reckon she knows our names?”
“I’m sure I don’t know, Hoss, but evidently she does.” Ben shook his head.
“I kind of like the title. . .Prince. . .Joseph,” Joe piped up as he struck a most royal looking pose.
“I kinda like it myself. . .Prince. . .Hoss,” Hoss resounded as he, too, struck a most royal looking pose.
“Yeah, well the two of you are going to be UNEMPLOYED Princes, if you don’t get back to work,” Ben responded with a chuckle.
Relaxing from their statue-like poses, Hoss and Joe resumed normal expressions. “Yeah,” Joe replied. Putting a hand on Hoss’s shoulder, he said, “Come Prince Hoss-eth, we must prepare-eth the stock-eth to receive-eth our mark-eth.”
“Huh?” Hoss replied with a puzzled look on his face.
“He said you better go finish the branding,” Adam replied.
“Oh. I shore am glad you know how ta talk thet kinda lang’ege, Adam, elsewise, I’d never a-knowed whad it t’was he said,” Hoss answered back.
“No, I reckon you wouldn’t, brother Hoss-eth,” his oldest brother responded, pushing the last syllable through his teeth with his tongue.
Hoss followed Joe to the bureau where they strapped on their gunbelts then took down their hats from the peg beside the door and placed them on their heads. Joe opened the door and made a low bow. “After you Prince Hoss-eth,” Joe said in teasing.
Hoss playfully kicked Joe’s backside. “Awww, git on outta here,” he said to him.
Joe stood up and laughed his infectious laugh while he made his way outside. Hoss followed him, mumbling, “Prince Hoss-eth. I’m jist glad we don’t gotta wear them dang tights. I betcha them suckers itch somethin’ awful!” Ben and Adam could hear Joe cackling, even as Hoss closed the door behind him.
“Do you suppose she will be able to tell us who she is? What if that bump on her head gave her amnesia?” Adam asked his father.
“Let’s hope it didn’t. I’m sure she hopes the same thing,” Ben replied as he walked around behind his desk and sat down. “Adam, there are some figures here I want you to go over before we transact that timber deal,” Ben said as he handed his son a ledger book.
“Of course. . .King Ben,” Adam replied with a smile as he took it and sat down in the chair beside his father and began pouring over the figures written in the book. Ben shook his head and mumbled, “King Ben.” Adam raised his eyes and looked at his father and smiled.
**********
Placing her shawl around her shoulders, the young woman opened the door to the bedroom and walked out and down the staircase.
“Here now,” Ben called to her from his desk. “Just where do you think you’re going, young lady?” He went quickly to her side.
“I’ve been a bother to you. If you’ll tell me how to get to Bonanza Worldland, I’d appreciate it.”
Ben frowned and placed an arm around her shoulders. “Why don’t you come over here and sit down. You haven’t even told me who you are yet, and you can’t leave until we get better acquainted.” He led her over to the settee and nudged her down into it. Adam, Hoss and Joe came through the door at that moment.
“Look who’s up and around,” Ben announced to them.
“So I see,” Adam responded.
“Good to see you up,” Joe said.
“Howdy,” was Hoss’s remark.
“She was just getting ready to tell me her name,” Ben said.
“But you know my name. It’s Ali. Short for Alison. But you know that.”
The four of them looked at each other and Ben sat down beside her. Adam sat on the arm of the settee, Hoss sat in Ben’s red chair and Joe sat on the table in front of the settee.
“Why don’t you tell us what happened. Adam found you lying on the side of the road. Do you know how you got there?” Ben asked her.
“I remember riding my horse very fast. I don’t know why, but I was very scared and I had to get away. . .someone was chasing me.”
“Who? Who was chasing you?” Ben asked.
“The Evil Blue One,” she replied sincerely.
Adam, Joe and Hoss looked at each other, but managed to keep a straight face.
“Oh I know you don’t believe me,” Ali said. “And I don’t blame you. It does sound silly doesn’t it. Mr. Cartwright, you said that I had been unconscious for several days. . .have I been here the whole time?”
“Yes. Right up in that room.”
“You didn’t go anywhere with me while I was here? You didn’t try to help me find Bonanza Worldland?”
“No. I told you, you were unconscious from a head wound you received. Probably when you fell from the horse you said you were riding. And Bonanza Worldland is only a place that exists in the minds of fan fiction writers, of which we’re a part of sometimes.”
“Then the things that happened was just a dream.”
“What things?” Adam asked.
“It seemed like a fairy tale. Swords, wicked wands, men wearing tunics and tights. . .”
Hoss bellowed out a laugh. “You wouldn’ ketch me in a pair a-them thangs,” he stated.
Joe looked at him and cackled out a laugh. Adam chuckled at him as well.
“It just all seemed so real,” Ali said.
“Of course it did, dear. But you should rest. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want to.”
Ali looked at each one of them. “The four of you. . .you’re everything I was trying to find in my dream.”
“What do you mean?” Adam asked.
“In my dream, when I was unconscious, I went searching for someone. The four of you helped me search.”
“Who for? What was his name?” Joe asked.
“He didn’t have a name. Only characteristics.”
“Like what?” Hoss asked.
“Kind; generous; pure in heart; gentle; had wisdom; truthful; ready to defend at all costs.”
“Must have been some special man,” Adam remarked.
“Yes. I found him, only I didn’t find him in my dream. I found him without really knowing who he was.”
“I’m not sure I understand,” Ben said to her.
“I don’t understand myself, Mr. Cartwright. But the four of you. . .you’re THAT man.”
“But we’re all different,” Ben remarked.
“Yes. But all FOUR of you have those qualities. You’re very special men and I’m so glad I know all of you. But there’s also a man like that for me in St. Louis. I ran away from him, but now I’m going to run straight TO him.” She smiled at them and they smiled back at her.
**********
The four Cartwright’s escorted Ali to Virginia City where Ben purchased her a ticket to St. Louis and gave her enough money to travel on until she reached her destination.
“I almost hate to say good-bye,” Ali said to them. “I’ll never forget you or what you’ve done for me.”
“We’ll always remember you, too, dear,” Ben said. “Be sure and write as soon as you reach St. Louis.”
“I will.” Ali kissed Ben on the cheek, then Adam, then Hoss and Joe. Ben helped her into the stage and closed the door. Hoss reached down and scratched his leg. “Dadburn it!” he said. “These new underdrawers are itchin’ somethin’ awful,” he added.
Ali leaned out the window and spoke to him. “Don’t worry, Hoss, I’ll speak to Eileen about it.”
“Who?”
“Eileen. . .she’s the one who wrote this fan fiction,” Ali replied.
“One who wrote WHAT?”
“Fan fiction. . .stories people write about you,” Ali explained. “Her last one had to do with tights.”
“Tights?”
“Mm-hmm. Four men in tights who rescued a maiden from The Evil Blue One,” Ali said, smiling just as the stagecoach driver urged the horses forward and the stage pulled away from the depot. The four Cartwright’s stood and watched as the stage disappeared in a cloud of dust. . .brown. . .not blue.
“Four men in tights,” Adam said.
“Evil Blue One,” Joe said.
“King Ben,” Ben said.
Hoss reached down and scratched his legs. “Ya think I should-a got a diff’rent color underdrawers so they wouldn’ a-itched suh much?” he asked.
“Color? What does the color have to do with whether they itch or not?” Adam asked with a puzzled look on his face.
“I dunno. Jist wonderin’.”
“What color did you get?” Joe asked.
“Blue.”
“BLUE?!” the three of them exclaimed, then laughed at him while he scratched his legs again. Ben shook his head. “Come on boys, we better get back home.”
He and his sons mounted their faithful steeds and rode home to. . .The Kingdom of Ponderosa.
**********
Enjoying their breakfast the next morning, the Cartwright’s heard a knock at the front door. Wiping his mouth and standing to his feet, Joe went to answer it. “Well. . .good morning, ma’am,” he said, flashing her his most winsome smile. “Won’t you come in?”
“Oh no, I really can’t. I seem to have taken a wrong turn and I was wondering if you could direct me to Virginia City.”
Joe continued to smile at her. “Oh no, ma’am. . .I think you took the RIGHT turn.”
“Joseph, why don’t you invite our caller in,” Ben called out to him.
“I did, Pa, but she’s refused.”
“She?” Adam, Hoss and Ben sounded together, and together they rose to their feet and walked to the front door. “Hello, hello, hello,” Adam sounded when he saw her. “Howdy, ma’am,” Hoss said with a grin on his face. “Well, good morning, Miss,” Ben said to her. “You certainly are out early this morning,” he added.
“Like I was telling this young man. . .I seem to have taken a wrong turn. I’m trying to find the road to Virginia City, so if you would be good enough to point me in that direction, I won’t bother you any longer.”
Joe took hold of her hand and pulled her inside. “No bother ma’am. No bother at all,” he said, still smiling his winsome smile at her.
“Of course it’s no bother. It’s a long way to Virginia City, why don’t you come in and have some breakfast first,” Ben said to her.
Trying to resist Joe’s tug on her hand, she said, “Oh no, I really couldn’t. It would be too much of an inconvenience to you.”
“Nonsense. Everyone is welcome at the Ponderosa,” Adam replied. “Come on in.”
“Well if it won’t be too much of an imposition. . .The breakfast DOES smell very inviting.”
“It’s all settled then,” Ben said as he closed the door. Joe and Adam each held her arm and led her to the dining room table. Hoss followed. Once seated, Ben said, “You couldn’t just be passing through to Virginia City, because the stage doesn’t come out this way.”
She shook her head slightly. “No. I’ve given up my career as a writer and I heard that Virginia City was a nice place to settle, so, I boarded a stage and went as far as Carson City, but then I decided I could find Virginia City on my own and bought a horse and buggy and started out, but I took a wrong turn, and ended up on your doorstep,” she said with a pleasant smile.
“You said you’re a writer. . . .What did you write and what name did you write under?” Adam asked her.
“I wrote fiction and used my own name. . .Eileen.”
“What a coincidence. So you’re Eileen. . . .How interesting. I just finished reading some of your stories. They’re quite different and very entertaining,” Adam replied. “But I want to know why you’re giving up your writing career.”
“Extenuating circumstances have caused it to happen.”
“Nothing serious I trust.” Adam replied.
“Well when a writer has to give up writing, it’s serious to the writer.”
“True enough,” he remarked.
“My last work was a fairy tale-type story about four men living on a large ranch, only instead of wearing the normal ranch-type clothes like you’re wearing, they wore tunics and tights, and there was a wicked man with a wicked blue wand who liked to turn everybody to blue dust.”
“Tunics and tights, huh. . .blue dust. . .sounds. . .” Adam cleared his throat and raised an eyebrow. “. . .interesting,” he finished.
Hoss bellowed out a laugh. “You wouldn’ git me tuh wear no dang tights. I’ll tell ya thet right now.” Joe laughed at him and Ben chuckled. Adam shook his head and smiled.
Placing her napkin beside her plate, Eileen pushed back her chair and rose to her feet. “Now if I could get those directions to Virginia City, I would be most appreciative,” she said. “And I thank you kindly for the breakfast.”
“You’re welcome,” Ben said to her.
“I have some errands I need to take care of in town…I’d be glad to take you there,” Adam offered.
“Errands? What errands?” Ben questioned.
Adam jerked his head towards his father and raised his eyebrows at him. “Oh. . .THOSE errands,” Ben replied as a small smile crept across his face.
“I have some errands I need to take care of in town, too,” Joe piped up. “I’ll go along and make sure OLDER brother doesn’t get lost.”
“I got some errands I need tuh do too. I’ll go ‘long tuh make shore NEITHER of ya gits lost,” Hoss chimed in.
“And who is going to do the chores around here while all three of you are in town doing all those. . .errands?” Ben asked as he looked from one son to the other.
“Oh well, Pa, there’ll always be chores to do, it’s not every day a pretty girl shows up on our doorstep,” Adam quipped.
Ben nodded his head in amusement. “I see.” He chuckled at his sons. “Well, go ahead then, and enjoy yourselves, because it’s not every day a pretty girl shows up on our doorstep,” he said.
His sons and Eileen laughed as they escorted her out the door to her waiting buggy. The three of them tied their horses to the back of the buggy and all three squeezed in beside her, and Adam turned the horse towards Virginia City, and they rode off happily ever after.
