A Journey Changed

Summary: A missing WHN scene at the end of A Journey Remembered. 

Rating: G, Word Count: 745

Written for the 2025 March Pinecone Challenge

“Courage is not having the strength to go on, it is going on when you don’t have the strength.”   President Theodore Roosevelt

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I barely notice the make-shift cross in front of me, as I rest my hand on the cold dirt in front of it. Nothing exists inside this minute sphere around me, and certainly no life is inside of me. It’s all here, beneath this mound. 

“Inger…my love.”*

“Ben?” 

The quiet voice of my friend Simon* calls me back to reality. 

“I know. We must leave.”

I angle my head and see Simon’s head bob once before he returns to the waiting wagons. 

When I push myself away from her grave I nearly trip over Adam. My dear, sweet Adam. How could I have forgotten he was there? The pain reflected on his face nearly rips apart what’s left of my heart. Lord, how can I care for him, and my infant son? I have nothing to give them. How can I console little Adam when I am inconsolable myself? 

Even though I’m only a foot from my son, he doesn’t acknowledge me. I follow his blank stare toward Inger’s grave. She’s the only mother he’s known, and Inger loved him as if he were her own flesh and blood. I can see now how from the first day she met him, sick with a sore throat and fever, that a light came into his eyes that I had not noticed was missing before then. I recall that light, a light of life, love, joy, because it is gone once more. My young son’s eyes only reveal the horror of seeing his mother killed before him and the sorrow of no longer having her shining love in his life. 

Dear God, help me. I can’t go on. How can I leave the light of my life, the woman who brought a light to my son’s life, here in this desolate place? I have no strength, no will to move. Why can’t I just lie down here and join my beloved Inger?  Yet I have two sons to care for and I am now the leader of this small wagon train. If I give up now, we all will perish.

As I lift Adam into my arms he is like a limp ragdoll – no reaction at all. Something painfully tugs at my insides but it’s a different kind of pain. It’s one of realization – I must go on, despite having no strength to do it. That’s what some call true courage – courage to go on despite not having any strength to do so. Captain Stoddard said it many times while I was under his command and Elizabeth begged me to go on and seek my dream after she was gone. Inger, my sweet Inger, even sold her father’s store to accompany me on this insane journey. 

“Adam, look at me.”

Dull. misty eyes met mine.

“I love you son. I know you are so sad. I am too. But Ma would want us to go on. We will carry her bright smile and gentle strength in our hearts. You’ll never be alone. I promise you that, son. Do you understand me?”

His small head rubbed against my damp shoulder. “That’s my boy.” 

Together we made our way to our wagon where I found Simon’s wife, Rachel*, placing a sleeping Hoss in the back. I tilted my son’s head to see his face. “Would you like to ride with me up front or with your brother in the back?”

A small bit of a smile crinkled in his eyes as he pointed to the back. 

“With Hoss it is.” I lifted him into the wagon and watched him gently make his way to his sleeping brother. Resting his head on a pallet of blankets Rachel had made for him, he closed his eyes and rested his hand on his baby brother’s chest. 

My heart jerked as I grieved for Inger to miss seeing this tender moment, but it was also from love and pride for my sons. They will surely look after each other, as I now commit myself to look after them. 

I give a wave and a weak smile of thanks to Simon and Rachel before calling for the wagons to roll. It will be a different journey now, but I’m beginning to realize that Inger will not be far from me or our sons. We will go on and find that land of tall pines. Adam, Hoss and I will make the dream come true, in honor of Elizabeth and Inger, my two great loves. 

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*From A Journey Remembered.