Summary:   Cousins, cousins and more cousins.  Hop Sing’s relatives make the Ponderosa a real China-Rosa. Poor Ben isn´t very happy about that and even less about his three sons.

A little parodistic comedy (set around 1854, a late prequel)

Rated: K+  WC 3600

 

Story Notes:

Thank you Michele and faust for the marvelous job to bring my rough translating in readable English, and thank you Sklamb for polishing the story again and for your suggestions I was glad to use in this second version!

***

Chinarosa

“Mistel Caltlight, good afternoon! Hot water ready soon. Please sit down. I bring comfortable shoes.”

“Honolable Mistel Caltlight wish music?”

“Here, Mistel Caltlight. Pipe already burning. All things good? You happy?”

Pipe in hand, Ben Cartwright sat in his favorite leather armchair. At his feet, two young Chinese men were trying to take off his boots.

How did that happen? he thought. He gazed around and saw the smiling faces of another pair of Chinese who were courteously bowing. The young man had a string instrument in his hands and the young girl was lightly jingling small bells. They looked expectantly at Ben.

He nodded, and the music started. Chinese music. 

Chinese music sounds a bit strange to occidental ears. But  hadn’t he had enough time to get familiar with it? Each evening, for more then three weeks now, Ben had been welcomed with music. But no, he thought, the music still wasn’t familiar at all. He puffed resignedly at his pipe, and immediately started coughing. What in tarnation is in that pipe? It tastes like cough medicine, only much stronger. 

The music broke off abruptly. Young Ho stopped fumbling with Ben’s shoes and jumped to his feet, alarm on his face. “Tobacco no good? This special tobacco for old men. Make life longel, vely healthy. Gift flom uncle to honolable Mistel Caltlight.”

How lucky for Ho that Pa’s all too choked up to speak, thought Adam, who, with great amusement, had witnessed the scene from where he stood on the landing. “Say, don’t you like the healthy tobacco, honorable father?”

“Not one more word, Adam! I have no mind for those sarcastic, disrespectful, smart remarks of yours. And don’t think I am a toothless old man, boy,” Ben snapped at his oldest, who’d just turned twenty four.

“I’m sorry, Pa. I was just teasing you. I didn’t expect you’d be so edgy.”

“I am not edgy!” Adam was sure Pa’s bellowing could be heard in Virginia City.

At that, the four Chinese tiptoed towards the rescuing kitchen door.

“All things are not good?” the oldest of them ventured nervously.

Ben took in the four shyly smiling faces, and sighed. “Everything is well. It’s all right,” he said, forcing an encouraging smile on his face. Then he cast an angry glance sideward to Adam, “Well,most things, anyway.” He sighed again. “Is the bath by any chance ready at least?”

“Um, Pa, I just wanted to show you something.”

“Can it wait until my bath?”

“Sure. They won’t run away, I guess.”

“They? Who?”

“Oh, it’s a surprise, Pa. A little Chinese surprise.”

Ben eyed his son suspiciously, but then decided to not bother at least until after he’d enjoyed his bath.

***

Ben soaked in the hot, peppermint scented water and thought back over how all this had begun.

About a month ago, Hop Sing had announced that two of his cousins, Number 11 and Number 17, were on their way to Virginia City. One of their uncles planned to move there to open a laundry, and the two eighteen-year-olds were supposed to help him set up his business.

It went without saying that Ben had invited his loyal cook’s relatives to be guests at the Ponderosa until the uncle’s arrival.

The two friendly young men, Ho and Wan, had been at the Ponderosa a week when they got a wire from San Francisco saying that their uncle had fallen gravely ill.

A few days later he had learned that another cousin and his fiancée as well as the uncle’s three young sons had arrived in Carson City where they had intended to meet their relative. Since the uncle wasn’t fit to travel, now they were stranded in Carson City without a single cent. Naturally, Ben had also offered them a place to stay.What else could he have done? Let them die of starvation because no one ever gave a Chinese man a job?

And so all seven now lived on the Ponderosa; and they tried their best to be helpful.

Yes; vely, vely helpful. Ben plunged himself backwards to rinse his hair with another heavy sigh.

“You like help with hair wash, Mistel Caltlight? Or you like massage?” Ben heard Lin Mei, the fiancée of Lao–who was also known as cousin No. 6—ask as he emerged from the water again.

“Lin Mei…what on earth are you…doing here? It’s not…it’s not appropriate. Please leave immediately! At once!” Ben stammered, trying to submerge his body as much as possible.

“Vely well, honolable Mistel Caltlight.” Lin Mei left the washhouse with a graceful bow.

Under water, Ben let out in relief the breath he had involuntarily been holding.
This nerve-racking helpfulness drove him crazy! Good gracious, it all had to end. But how?

Being angry wasn’t an option, he knew. It had been only last week when he had thundered at the barely twelve-year-old Joe and the little Chinese boys for playing Mahjong not just as a funny game, but for money – and not just gambling for a few cents, but for dollars. He’d been furious. Then he had realized that gambling was so commonplace in China that none of his guests had thought it would offend their host. Nevertheless, ever since that incident they all tried to make up for their mistake with even more helpfulness.

Ben sighed again, and after a glance over his left shoulder, he got out of the tub.

He chuckled as he was drying himself. Well, there most certainly had been times he wouldn’t have declined Lin Mei’s offer. Back when he’d been much younger….

Then it hit him. Adam! She wouldn’t have—No, she wouldn’t. Or would she?

***

Adam opened his wardrobe’s doors theatrically, then stepped aside to give his father a good view of its contents. “Now, aren’t those sweet?” he asked sardonically.

Inside, all his handkerchiefs sat in a perfect line, nicely folded into cute shapes: there were owls, frogs, swans, and what appeared to be swallows.

“Sure they are,” they heard from Hoss who stepped into the room, still only in pants and long-johns, and carrying a checkered swan carefully on his palm.

“It’s a real shame I didn’t know about this use of handkerchiefs when I was a boy,” he said, his voice thick with awe.

“Yes, it would have saved you from a lot of trouble with Pa if you could have made all your little animal friends yourself,” Adam grinned. “Alas,” he continued, checking the menagerie. “I don’t see a skunk among these.”

“Come on, Adam, that little skunk wasn’t half bad. Well, mostly, anyway…” Hoss said, nudging Adam in the ribs.

And then Joe also joined them. “Hey, Adam, what kind of animals do you have?” he asked, peeking into Adam’s open wardrobe. Then, after an intense survey of his brother’s zoo, “Whatcha say? Trade two of your swans for two of my frogs? No? All right, three? Yours are all pretty white, and…and I wanta give some to Amy-Sue tomorrow at school. And I know fer sure she doesn’t like frogs.”

“Are you loco, Joe? What on earth makes you think I’d trade the fine linen kerchiefs I brought all the way from Boston for yours, so you can give them to a girl at school?”

“Adam, don’t speak to your brother like that,” Pa intervened, “And you two, get ready for dinner.”

“Yes Sir,” Joe and Hoss chorused, leaving Adam’s room.

“Will you trade then, Hoss?” they heard Joe’s fading voice from the hall.

“Son.” Ben cleared his throat. “I have a question.”

“Yes. Pa?”

“Did Lin Mei, um…offer you a…err… massage? ”

“Oh, absolutely! And it was very relaxing, y’know.”

“Adam!”

“Pa, she has some kinda contraption, like a whisk or something, and she does wonders to your scalp with it.”

“In the tub?”

“In the tub? Why would she, Pa?”

“Oh, well, yes, why would she…?” And with that Ben hurriedly left his eldest, whose confused face slowly melted into a big grin.

***

Coming down the stairs for his daily routine before bedtime, his round through the yard and the barn, Ben sighed heavily—as he had done so often these past few weeks.

His guests had been living on the Ponderosa for about two months now, and the word uncle hadn’t been heard for a long time. Apparently the man was better, that much. Ben knew, but he didn’t know how to ask about the uncle and his laundry plans without being considered an impatient or impolite host. And politeness was essential for all Asian men—that he knew for sure.

Ben stood on the landing, looking over the great room. He sighed again. The room was covered in sheets of paper varying in size, color and shape, all designed to eventually be shaped into a gigantic Chinese paper dragon.

Worrying his tongue between his lips, Adam sat at the green table trying to stick tiny pieces of tissue paper together, using a toothpick to get just the right amount of glue onto them.

He glared at his father and reproached, “Pa, you’re causing turbulence!”

Ben sighed again, but tried to slow down and walk cautiously around the pieces of the dragon strewn on the floor. Only his desk was free of glue, looking like an island in an ocean of colors and shapes. But this island existed only due to his threat of force if anyone dared to use it for crafting.

The whole dragon thing had started quite nicely and harmlessly.

The two younger Chinese boys and Little Joe had declared they would like to build and fly a kite. Ben had been delighted. The boys would be outside in the fresh air; and the great room would be quiet for a while. So he had provided all they’d needed: old newspapers, thin slats, and a big roll of cord. He had enjoyed kite flying when he’d been a boy, and he hoped the boys would have fun, too.

The Chinese boys had eyed the supplies incredulously and then thanked Ben politely. They also had declined his offer to help. They would ask Lao for help, Mistel Caltlight too busy. 

He hadn’t become at all suspicious even when Lao had bought a lot of fancy colored tissue paper. Not my concern, so he’d thought.

But now it was his concern. Not just the four boys, but also Adam, Lin Mei, and Lao used their spare time to work on this Chinese dragon-shaped kite; and the great room was crowded day and night. No quiet at all. Especially when he tried to put Joe to bed. Every evening the boy was a sticky mess, but refused to waste any of the precious minutes before bedtime cleaning himself up. So there were arguments and tears every evening.

Ben reached the front door and opened it very carefully.

“Pa, no draft!” Adam hissed.

Ben was tempted to slam the door shut, but he closed it deliberately and slowly, wondering why he had ever thought boys roughhousing indoors was a problem.

***
Ben stood on the front porch in the dim light, deeply inhaling the mild evening air. Each breath helped his anger evaporate into the night.

Eventually he started his tour of the house and the adjacent buildings. In the barn, the livestock was quiet; all he heard in the yard was the peaceful sound of cicadas and a low whisper from the bunkhouse.

That must be Wan and Ho, he thought. For the last two weeks, both of them had been working with Hoss on the range. They weren’t a big help, inexperienced in ranchwork as they were, but the three young men got along pretty well and at least the young Chinese men weren’t in the way in the house anymore. Not in his way, he thought with a satisfied smile. He was finally allowed to take off his boots and light his pipe all by himself again.

Maybe he should persuade the boys to retire now. Tomorrow would be another hard day for them. Hoss can show them how to mend fences, he thought as he went past the bunkhouse to bid them good night.

The sight that presented itself made Ben freeze in his tracks: three mattresses from the bunkhouse had been laid out on the floor into a triangle surrounding a boiling and gurgling water pipe.And sucking on the mouthpieces, three dark figures were lying on the bolsters.

As Ben realized that one of those figures wasn’t Chinese, his frozen body quickly heated back to movement.

“Erik!” he shouted. “What are you doing?”

“Hi, Pa,” his son slurred amiably. “This is great. Wanta try it?”

The young man pointed his mouthpiece at his father, but his heavy arm sunk slowly to his chest, bringing the tip into his own mouth again. He took a deep drag that made the pipe bubble and gurgle like a waterfall.

He doesn’t know what he’s doing, Ben thought, and he felt a shiver run down his spine.

“Erik, stand up and go into the house. Now!” he bellowed trying to pull Hoss from the mattress.

After half a minute his father’s command finally reached the young man’s befuddled brain, and Hoss scrambled slowly to his feet and staggered to the house, with a happy grin on his face.

Ben glared darkly at the two young Chinese sitting slumped on the mattresses, and hissed with cold fury, “How dare you turn my house into an opium den! Put those mattresses back where they belong and then pack your things. Tomorrow morning you will leave my property. All of you! Enough is enough!” And with that he turned abruptly and followed Hoss into the house.

Good Lord, he thought, opium! Didn’t just one contact make you an addict? Of all people, they had enticed his good-natured and unsuspicious second son into it. And he himself had supported and encouraged their friendship, Ben thought between fury and guilt.

***
Ben opened the door. Tissue paper fluttered through the room.

“Hop Sing!” he called.

His searching gaze came to a rest on his eldest standing at the bottom of the stairs.
“Adam, where is your brother Erik?”

“He’s upstairs, Pa. I helped him to his bed. He couldn’t stand by himself… I don’t know what’s wrong with him.”
“We have to get him to Doc Martin, son. Go and hitch up the team,” Ben urged.

At the same moment he saw his cook standing motionless next to the table.

“Hop Sing, there you are! Your relatives will leave my home tomorrow at first daylight. All of them! I cannot allow them to abuse my hospitality and mislead my sons any longer!”  I have to throw them out! And I will!” Ben sputtered. He could feel the waves of red hot fury still washing over his body.

“Mistel Caltlight wish my relatives go away?” Hop Sing spoke in a very low voice, his face unreadable.

“Yes, most certainly I wish! ” Ben barked.

“But Pa, they haven’t got a single cent,” Adam stated, pulling on his boots. “How is your uncle anyway, Hop Sing?”

“Uncle vely fine for last three weeks.”

“What?” Ben asked, puzzled.

“Uncle changed plans. Will remain in San Francisco, his boys come back and Lao will open laundry by himself with help from Wan and Ho.”

Tightening his holster, Ben stared at his cook “And why don’t they just do that?”

“Uncle say, sons and nephews help Mistel Caltlight til not needed anymore. Because he vely, vely grateful.”

Now Ben was completely perplexed. “But…why didn’t they say a word? I wouldn’t…I hadn’t…”

“Uncle say, cousins help now out on the range, is sign Mistel Caltwlight need them. They help until cattle drive at autumn.”

“But I would never take them along on a cattle drive; they can barely ride,” Ben replied helplessly.

“Honolable uncle don’t understand ranchwork vely well, but he vely grateful,” said Hop Sing with a bow. “He forbid any of us to speak to Mistel Caltlight, so no one influence him and he enjoy gratefulness and help. All stay til cattle drive or until Mistel Caltwlight don’t need help anymore. Uncle sent money for expenses.“

Bewildered, Ben still stared at Hop Sing.

“Shucks, it worked out all right, Pa: you threw them out, and now they are free to go,” Hoss happily pointed out as he came in from the kitchen, bringing a sandwich with him.

“Hoss? How did you get…are…are you feeling well?” asked Pa, scrutinizing his son with astonishment.

“I’m fine, Pa,” Hoss grinned reassuringly. “But that tobacco really tasted bad. I need to get it out of my mouth.” He took a large bite of the gargantuan sandwich in his hand.

“Just wait a minute….,” Ben plopped into his armchair causing  a fresh cloud  of tissue paper to flutter up around him. “Did you just say you only smoked tobacco? There never was any opium in that pipe? You only pretended there was? You weren´t ever ill?” Bens left eyebrow rose.

“But, Pa, we had to find a way to get you to throw them all out…We had to push you….”
“And you…“ Ben turned to his eldest. “You put your brother up to this—as usual.”

 

“Me, Pa?” Adam squealed. “The first Hop Sing and I heard of  Hoss’s marvelous plan was the moment he came through this door just a few minutes ago. And,” he added with a mischievous grin, “it’s not in my interest to have our guests leave. I enjoy the ‘gratefulness’. Especially from Lin Mei…after a bath.”

“Adam!” Ben’s glare made the curled corners of his adult son’s mouth droop immediately.

As their father, frowning, took a deep breath, both his sons winced even before he started to yell.

 

“You know exactly how I feel about lies and deceit! Both of you! You better go to bed right now before I forget how old you actually are! Forward march!” Ben roared, pointing at the staircase.

“Yes, Sir,” a very contrite Hoses answered promptly.

Even from Adam there was heard nothing more than a low, “Night, Pa.”

The young men hadn’t gone further than the bottom of the stairs, when they heard a soft chuckle behind them.

“Pa?” They turned.

Ben looked at  their flabbergasted faces, than rolled his eyes and  shook his head. “Well, my boys, tit for tat, I’d say. But,” Ben’s face grew serious again. “Hoss, you have no idea how much that opium stunt horrified me.”

“Sorry, Pa. I only wanted to help,“ Hoss murmured. “I thought you would be angry, I would never ….”
“Don’t do such a thing to me ever again, son.”

Hoss shook his head and then looked cautiously at his father, an apologetic smile around the corners of his lips. His smile grew wider when he saw it was answered with one from his Pa.

“Why me?” Adam asked indignantly as he went to his favorite chair. “I had nothing to do with the shenanigans. I’m completely innoc—oww.” He stopped and turned around, rubbing the back of his head where his father’s hand had delivered a not entirely playful slap. “What was that for?”

“Do you really have to ask? It was because you still can’t control your loose tongue. And didn’t you just lie to me to cover for Hoss´s story, young man?”

Adam ducked, but his father was quicker. Ben tousled Adam’s hair as if he was still three years old.

“That is the only kind of massage you’ll get on the Ponderosa in the future, my son,” Ben said with a satisfied grin.

“Don’t bother, Pa. I pass on that,” Adam said wryly as he tried to put his hair back in order.

“Oh, if that is so, then you can do something useful. Why don’t you go and get a brandy for the two of us. Or would you like one too, son Number two?”

And the three stood and held up their glasses as Ben proposed a toast, “Here’s to our soon-to-be former guests’ new life, and to our own soon-to-be back to normal life.”

“Cheers!” That came from the dining room. Hop Sing twinkled at them over the rim of a glass of plum wine and said, “Relatives leave in two days after dragon feast. Hop Sing never hear much from uncle. Cheers!”

 

 

End Notes:

I know, you, dear reader, know  that Origami is Japanese, not Chinese, but…let’s say when Lin Mei travelled by ship to America as a young girl, she met a young Japanese girl, both girls got bored and so the Japanese girl taught Lin Mei Origami. And because of a lack of paper sheets, they used their handkerchiefs. That’s how it was, you can believe it. 😉

 

 

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.