Summary: Though his family thinks he’s paranoid due to the trauma of the past year Joe insists he’s acting instinctively. Now he faces one final battle to prove he’s a survivor and no longer a victim.

Rating T, WC 37,040 Links to stories within the series are included within.

Stay in the Darkness series:

Stay in the Darkness 
A New Light 
Chiaroscuro 
The Sound of Surviving

 

The Sound of Surviving

*** They told me I’d never get to tell my story too many bullet holes; it would take a miracle.  These voices inside my head like poison trying to steal my hope, silencing my soul.  But my story is only now beginning, don’t try to write my ending.  Nobody gets to sing my song.  This is the sound of surviving; this is my farewell to fear.  This is my whole heart deciding I’m still here, I’m still here.  And I’m not done fighting; this is the sound of surviving. ***(The Sound of Surviving by Nichole Nordeman and Tommee Profitt )

Joe Cartwright opened his journal, spreading it out onto his lap.  He reached for the pencil which he had left there inside of the last page where he had left off the day before.  He had found comfort in jotting down his thoughts, especially in the past year.  Pulling the pencil into his left hand he began: ***You know I think that it’s kind of funny the things some people notice and what they don’t.  Little things like an upturned collar, like the one on my favorite jacket.  Some notice some don’t.  Some presume that I wear it like that to keep the sun off my neck in the heat of the day.  Wrong.  Nor do I wear it like that in order to ward off the chill in the fall or winter.  In fact, I’m not really sure if the collar can fold down anymore as I’ve kept it up like that since I first got it.  That was around my eighteenth birthday as a replacement for that old blue jacket.  I never liked that one anyway, I think that it was a hand-me-down from Adam though he never confirmed that to me.  It just looked like something he’d wear.  Hoss couldn’t have fit into the thing, at least not in his teens, probably not as a toddler either.  But that’s another story.  Regardless, I like green, and I like corduroy, so I’ve kept it in good shape for about five years now.  Of course it’s had some repairs over the years, just like me.  It’s easier to repair the corduroy than it is to repair my hide, but both have been done in the last five years to the jacket and to me.  But, as for the collar, I keep it up in order to hide the fact that my hair is getting longer than my pa likes to see on me.  Yeah, I know that when I take the jacket off that he can see the length of my locks but by then he’s busy or preoccupied or just exhausted from dealing with this ranch or me.  I think I’ve worn him out by what he’s called my “willful disobedience” and that includes the length of my hair.  Anyway, Pa notices things about me that others don’t.  But he waits to say something about what he’s noticed that I’m up to in order to see just how far I’ll hang myself before I finally fess up.  Hoss notices things too, like if there’s a pie in the oven or if I’m acting odder than usual or sneaking an extra glass of brandy when Pa’s not around.  My brother Adam notices even more than Hoss, in fact he notices every darned thing though he’s a bit like Pa is, in that he doesn’t mention things right off.  He’s not waiting to see if I’ll hang myself, no, he’s waiting until he wants to drop a casual hint to Pa, so he’ll start asking questions about what I’ve been up to.  That’s sneaky, and that’s Adam.  I guess that just leaves me now, the things that I notice and the things that I don’t.  I notice the kinds of sounds few people do.  Like the snap of a small twig or the sound that the hammer of a gun makes even before it’s locked into position.  That’s one of my “triggers” now.  Doctor Wallace had nailed that term without knowing that he had.  He’s from the big city where he’s probably never heard the clicking sound that a forty-five makes when the hammer is eased back ever so slightly.  But I know it.  I know it better than most and I keep my senses geared to listening for it; all of the time.  Just like I keep my eye trained on the doorknob to my bedroom or a hotel room or heck, just about any other door to any room.  I wasn’t always like this, and I didn’t have “triggers” either.  But that was before my life changed and I realized that when you least expected it you could end up somewhere that you never ever wanted to be. ***

Joe was suddenly aware of the slight turn of the doorknob to his bedroom door before it had twisted and let his brother Adam inside.  Dropping his pencil down onto the page he was writing in his journal, Joe looked over at his brother annoyed that he had broken his train of thought by his sudden presence.  He hated it when someone just walked into his room without knocking.

“Joe – didn’t you hear Pa?  He’s called you twice now.  It’s time for dinner.  I thought you were coming down a half an hour ago?  Hey what’re you doing anyway?” Adam asked as he neared the bed and stared over at his brother.

“Nothing,” Joe returned quietly.  *** Kind of obvious there, for a college man you’re sure oblivious to the fact that I have a pencil and a journal here in my lap. *** Joe thought to himself as he stared over at his brother.

“Well, come down and do “nothing” at the dinner table.  We’re all hungry.”

Joe shook his head and frowned as he placed the book on top of his nightstand and stood from the bed.  He wasn’t hungry but he wouldn’t keep the family waiting and wondering either.

Following Adam down the stairs Joe moved past the living room and over to the dining table.  He took his normal place just to the left of Hoss and to the immediate right of where Pa sat at the head of the table.

“Sorry,” Joe addressed his Pa.  “I lost track of time.”

“Is everything okay, Joseph?” Ben questioned, trying to gauge the look on Joe’s face.

“Fine — fine as frog’s hair, Pa,” He replied because it sounded witty enough that Pa might actually buy it as being fact.

Ben studied Joe’s not so clever façade.  He could tell that the smile and the quip were there to hide his son’s true feelings.  Joseph was trying hard, too hard, to give the appearance of being “fine, fine as frog’s hair”.

“Let’s eat!” Hoss exclaimed eying the roast sitting there in front of his father.

“Blessing first, Hoss, if you can wait,” Ben smiled and then dropped his head down.  “For what we are about to receive, dear Lord, let us be grateful.  Amen.”

“Short and sweet – the way I like them,” Hoss grinned and began to fill his plate.

As the platters were passed around the table the Cartwrights conversed about their day and what they had accomplished.  Joe seemed distracted and that fact wasn’t lost on his father.

“You haven’t spoken much about your day, Joseph, how was it?” Ben asked.

Joe was about to answer his father when he heard something that no-one else had.  “Someone’s coming,” He announced warily and stood abruptly from the table.

“Huh?”  Hoss asked between bites.  “I don’t hear nothing.”

“I don’t either,” Adam remarked staring over at Joe.

Ben knew better.  He had noticed that his youngest had his senses sharpened by a year that had been full of surprises, none of them good ones.

Joe walked to the front door and took the time to pull his Colt from the holster there on the credenza before trying to see who the visitor was.  Pa had also gone to the door and the two of them peered outside.  No-one was stirring anywhere out in the yard including the hired hands out in the bunkhouse.

“Joseph?” Ben questioned as he stared intently over at his son.  “Maybe you’re a bit on edge tonight?”

Joe glanced up at his father and noticed the “look” on his face.  He had seen it many times before, too many in fact.

“No, Pa,” Joe whispered not wanting his brothers to hear their exchange.  “It’s not a trigger, not THAT kind of a trigger at least.  I know I heard a rider.  Give it a minute.”

Pa nodded, keenly aware of what Joseph was referring to regarding “triggers”.  Doctor Wallace had informed him about them months ago.  Ben moved out onto the porch with his youngest.  After almost five minutes of waiting, he was ready to move back inside and tell Joe that he was hearing things but then a rider came into view.

Ben dropped his hand down onto Joe’s shoulder and grinned over at him.  “Right as always,” he said shaking his head, still amazed over how his son always seemed to know what was happening before anyone else did.  Pa wasn’t sure if the boy’s ability was a gift or a curse.  Though it was good to know what was going on around you, it could also turn into a problem because it never allowed Joe to just relax.  Joe, still holding onto his gun, walked out into the yard with his father to find out the identity of the late-night visitor.

“Roy!” Ben called out as the sheriff came into view.  “You’re out awfully late.  Come on in we’ve just sat down to supper and there’s plenty.”

Roy Coffee dismounted and reached over to shake Ben’s outstretched hand.  “I’ll have to take a rain check, Ben.  I need to get back to town as Clem ain’t feeling too well.  Just wanted to bring you that information you’d asked me about yesterday,” He said and handed an envelope over to Ben.

Joe stayed there in the background wondering why the sheriff would come at such a late hour.  He had no idea what information the man was referring to as Pa hadn’t said one word about it.

“How you doing, Little Joe?” Roy asked as he peered around Ben.

“Fine as frog’s hair,” Joe nodded to the man.

Ben turned for just a brief moment and cast a peculiar look at his son, surprised that Joe was using the same line he had used on him at the dinner table.  Turning back to face the sheriff he placed the envelope that Roy had handed him into his vest pocket.  “Roy, you didn’t have to come out this late to bring me this — I would’ve come into town.”

“It’s okay, Ben, I had to make another stop over at Bob Wiley’s place earlier, so I wasn’t far from here.  You tell old Hop Sing I’ll be coming by for dinner soon to make up for tonight.  See you both later – goodnight, Ben – goodnight, Joe!” Roy sang out as he mounted his horse.

“Thanks, Roy!” Ben called to the sheriff as he watched him ride out of the yard.

“Pa?  What information was Roy talking about?”

“We’ll talk about it after supper, Joe.  Let’s go in before everything is cold or your brother Hoss eats it up,” Ben returned and draped his arm over his son’s shoulder and turned him towards the front door.

**************

After dinner the four Cartwrights gathered in the living room.  Hoss was getting ready to set up the checkers for his nightly game with his little brother when Ben decided to address the reason for Roy’s visit.

“I mentioned that Roy dropped over some information, and I guess I’ll just tell you boys about it now before it gets any later,” Ben said and pulled the envelope out of his vest pocket.  “While you were up at the timber camp all last week, Joseph, your brothers were out rounding up strays when they spotted some activity down by the southeastern border of the ranch.  It seems that someone bought the Hilliard spread.”

Joe shot a worrisome glance over at his father and waited to hear the rest of his news.  Hoss and Adam looked at their brother and hoped he would take the upcoming information in stride, knowing it didn’t take much to send him back up to his room if he was troubled.

“The sign is still up, but we noticed that it looked like a family moving in.  We spotted some kids along with a man and a woman and several hired hands,” Adam explained further.

“I just wanted to find out who had purchased the place and who had sold it to them,” Ben added.

Joe finally stood and turned his back on all of those in the room.  He reached for the fire poker in order to do something with his hands.  The name “Hilliard” was also a “trigger” for Joe, and he was well aware that Pa knew that.  “Go ahead, Pa,” He said still not looking over at his father.

“Well, Roy did some digging over at the land office and the county records office too.  The family that moved in a week or so ago aren’t any kin to the Hilliards.  I know that Trenton Hilliard told his associates – or henchmen –that he was the last of the Hilliards.  The new family’s name is Burgess, and they check out according to Roy’s information.”

“How did they sell it, Pa?  Considering Trenton is in the Territorial Prison, how did he do the sale from behind bars?” Hoss asked, his eyes focusing on Joe who had grown very quiet and wasn’t asking any questions.

“He had given his power of attorney to someone in his hometown in Oregon, and it was all done through an attorney in Virginia City with the profits from the sale being sent to that man.”

“Trenton – he’s still in prison, right?” Joe finally turned to cast a glance over to his father, his question coming out with forced control to his voice.

Ben read the growing concern on the face of his youngest.  He approached the fireplace and stood there next to him.  “Yes, Joseph.  I know you were in the hospital when the trial was going on – but he got five years without an option for a parole, so he won’t be getting out for a good long while.”

“Alright,” Joe nodded and stared away from the concern on Pa’s face.

“Everything is okay, Joe, nothing to worry about.  I just didn’t want you to happen to go by the southeastern boundary and see that there were people milling about,” Ben explained, as he lowered his voice in an attempt to calm Joe’s nerves and relieve all doubt in his mind.

Joe looked back down at the fireplace and then set aside the poker.  “Well, I’m pretty tired, think I’ll go on to sleep now,” Joe announced and headed for the staircase.

“You okay, Kid?” Adam called over to Joe.

“Yeah – I’m fine.  Goodnight,” Joe answered and began his solitary trek up to his bedroom.

*** Yes, he’s fine – fine as frog’s hair *** Ben thought to himself as he watched his son’s abrupt departure rather disconcertingly.  He knew why Joe had left the way he had.

“It’s okay, Pa.  Just let Joe’s mind process this stuff,” Adam suggested, trying to ease his father’s worry.

“I would’ve waited until tomorrow to tell him but I was afraid he’d see what was going on down at that ranch and worry about it,” Ben explained his reasoning.

“He’ll be okay, Pa,” Hoss insisted.

Ben settled back into his chair and tried to let his youngest attempt to deal with the news on his own.  He just hoped that Joe would come to him if this kind of a “trigger” set him off.

***************

The following day Joe mounted Cochise having told his father that he had some errands to run and he’d be back to work with the horses a bit later in the day.  Now he pulled back on his reins and stared up at the sign which read “Hilliard Ranch”.  Joe bit back his fear and tried his best to quell the memories of all that had happened there earlier in the year.

*** So, when you get to feeling a bit overwhelmed – if one of those triggers get set off, I want you to picture yourself somewhere safe, Joe.  Think of that stream we’ve talked about.  Just envision yourself there sitting on the bank listening to the sound of the slow running water and let that settle you down *** Joe heard the voice of Doctor Wallace in his mind.

“C’mon let’s go,” Joe spoke to his pinto and turned for Virginia City.  He didn’t want to listen to the sound of water in a stream he wanted to hear the sound of a beer being drawn out from a keg at the Silver Dollar Saloon.

*************

An hour later Joe sat at a table with his back against the wall in the saloon of choice, the Silver Dollar.  He leaned back in his chair, his eyes trained on the swinging doors.  It wasn’t long before he noticed one of his old friends heading through them and nearing his table.

“Little Joe!  Where the heck have you been lately?” Sandy Phillips called over to his friend.

Joe reached across the table and shook the man’s hand and replied, “I’ve been taking care of things up at the timber camp.  “Sit down – let me get you a beer.”

Joe signaled Sam the bartender over with a mug of beer and he pulled out a dollar and handed it over.

“That’s right – you do owe me a drink or two,” Sandy smiled and nodded over at Joe.  “Remember when I loaned you Dixie?”

Joe grinned as he thought back to one of his exploits a few months earlier in the year.  He had needed a horse that could pretend it had gone lame and Sandy’s horse fit the bill.  “I know – I know.  Go ahead and drink up and I’ll buy you one more to pay you back – that ought to square us.”

Sandy drained his beer mug fast and set it down onto the table.  “I’m ready for my next one.”

Joe laughed and signaled Sam over one more time.

“How many do you want this time, Joe?” Sam asked.

“Just one for my thirsty friend, Sam, I can’t stay too long anyhow,” Joe handed over another dollar, which included a nice tip for the bartender.  Sam made his way back with another beer and set it in front of Sandy.

“So, what’s the hurry, Joe?  I haven’t seen you in town in a while.”

“I’m supposed to be at the breaking corral right now or I’d stay and help you hoist a few.”

“You going to the barn dance on Saturday?”

“Don’t think I can make it,” Joe lied.

“Why – it isn’t because you lost your girlfriend Becky is it?” Sandy asked.

“She wasn’t my girlfriend – she was just a friend,” Joe insisted.

“Well, I heard that she gave up on waiting for you to come around so she’s dating that bank clerk Harry Kent now,” Sandy replied and tried to see if the news would get to his friend.

“Good for her,” Joe frowned.  He could see that Sandy was trying to get a rise out of him with his news, but he wasn’t going to take the bait.

“I thought you were crazy about Becky, Joe?”

“You need to stay away from the locoweed, Sandy,” Joe smiled and stood from his seat.  “I’d love to sit here and gossip with you but SOME of us have to work for a living!”

“Joe Cartwright, I work harder in one hour at my place than you do in a week at the Ponderosa!” Sandy fired back, holding back a smile.

“Sam!” Joe called across the room.  “Cut this man off, he’s had enough!”

Sam laughed and nodded over at Joe.

“Go do some work!” Sandy shouted over at Joe and heard him laugh in response.

“See you, Sandy!” Joe called over towards his friend as he headed out of the bar.  He made his way over to the hitching post and untied Cochise’s reins.  *** You can think of a stream, Doctor Wallace, but I’ll take a beer or two to help with my triggers any time*** Joe thought to himself as he swung up onto his horse.

**************

Ben and Adam sat in the study pouring over contracts there at the desk later that afternoon.  Adam had been suggesting that his father wait on signing any agreement until they had checked every single line that was on each of the papers which had been sent via courier from the railroad.  They both looked up when they heard the loud noise coming from the front door.

“Just take it easy, Little Brother,” Hoss cautioned as he helped Joe into the living room and over to the settee to sit down.

“I’m fine, just bruised a bit,” Joe said as he eased down onto the cushions.

Ben hurried over to the settee and looked down at Joe.  “What happened?”

“Oh, the nit wit wasn’t paying attention and one of the horses shoved his leg up against the corral,” Hoss answered.

“Here,” Adam called as he poured a shot of his father’s brandy and brought it over to his youngest brother.

“Stop fussing over me – all of you!” Joe protested.  “And I don’t need any brandy.”

Ben stared down at Joe and wondered why he was so angry all of a sudden.  “How bad is that leg?”

Joe drew in a deep breath and held it for a minute.  He didn’t want to flare off at his father, so he waited to gather himself a bit before responding.

“I’m fine,” Joe answered.

“Yes – I know – you’re fine as frog’s hair,” Ben returned and stared hard at his youngest.  “Now what happened?”

Joe shrugged his shoulders and said, “I guess I wasn’t paying attention and that hammerhead turned on me – and like Hoss said – it kind of pushed my leg up against one of the sides of the corral.  It’s nothing to worry about – I can still walk.  I think I’ll just go lay down for a little while.  Joe pulled himself to standing.

“Do you need any help?” Adam asked before Pa could.

“No – like I said I’m fine,” Joe called over to the three men who all wore concern on their faces.  Joe limped up the stairs to avoid any further questions.

Ben drew in a deep breath and turned to look at Hoss.  “Okay – what happened – what did Joe leave out of his explanation?”

“Shucks I don’t know, Pa – Joe came out to the corral just a little bit after I got there and he seemed to be in another world.  He was right about not paying any attention though.  One thing’s for sure — he don’t need to be breaking any horses if he can’t keep his mind on what he’s doing!”

“I’ll have a talk with him – once he’s settled down a bit,” Ben replied, casting a worried gaze up the staircase.

“You don’t think it’s got anything to do with bringing up the Hilliard Ranch being sold, do you?” Adam asked.

Ben shook his head and answered, “I don’t know – it could be anything.  Okay, let’s get back to those contracts.  Hoss, will you go and put Cochise away?”

Hoss nodded, “Sure thing, Pa.”  He turned and left the house as Ben and Adam walked back over to the study to finish their paperwork.

*************

Joe eased back on his bed and stifled a groan.  *** Darn fool thing to do – letting that horse knock you into that corral *** He thought to himself and looked over at his nightstand.  Joe pulled his journal up and removed the pencil he had left there to mark his stopping place the previous night.  ***I might as well write this one down – it’ll be a first.  No horse has ever done that to me before *** Joe began to write everything that he had done that day from going out to the Hilliard Ranch to sitting in the saloon talking to Sandy.  Then he wrote about the incident with the horse and how he had reacted to his family’s concern.  Setting the pencil back inside his journal, Joe set the book back on his nightstand and eased down against his pillow.

Ben apprehensively knocked on his son’s bedroom door and called in, “Joe?  Is it okay for me to come in?”

“Sure, Pa,” Joe replied.

Walking into the room, Pa made his way over to the chair next to the bed and stared over at his son.

“Feeling better?”

“I’m fine,” Joe nodded.

Ben smiled and forced his gaze on his son.  “Just fine – or fine as frog’s hair?”

Joe laughed over the way his father knew him far too well.  “No, I’ll leave the frog out of it this time.”

“So?  Do you want to talk about it?”

“I already did, remember?”

“I know you told me you weren’t paying attention.  But that’s just not like you – not as long as you’ve been gentling horses, Joseph.  You know better – because you know it’s dangerous to go inside that corral unless you’re focused on what you’re doing.  Now – is this about what I brought up last night?”

“No, it’s got nothing to do with that,” Joe frowned.  It seemed like his pa was going to keep digging until he got to the truth, and nothing was going to stop him.

“You said you had errands to do before you went out to break the horses.  You want to tell me what kind of errands?”

“You know, Pa — I never noticed before but you could’ve been a doctor like Doctor Wallace.  I mean you both always want me to share my feelings and spill my guts about every little thing I do.  I don’t know why I went all the way to San Francisco to get “fixed” when I could’ve stayed here and talked with you.”

“Nice try,” Ben grinned.  “Now answer my question.”

“I went as far as the Hilliard Ranch sign – that was it.  I only stayed a couple of minutes and then I rode into Virginia City, had a beer, bought Sandy Phillips two beers and then headed right over to break the horse when it almost broke me instead.  The end.”

Ben leaned back in the chair and stared over at his son attempting to figure out which part of Joe’s rendition was the one to blame for his apparent lack of concentration.

“You haven’t seen Sandy in a while, have you?”

“No – not since I borrowed that horse from him to get inside the cabin to try and get you out.”

“Maybe that was a trigger – either that or going to the Hilliard Ranch?” Ben asked.

“Pa – I didn’t go to the ranch I just went to the sign, I told you,” Joe protested.

“Maybe that was all it took?”

“Okay, Pa – don’t you think instead of this being a “situation” that maybe it was just me not paying attention to what I was doing?”

“What did Sandy talk about?” Ben continued trying to get to the bottom of what had happened.

“Nothing much,” Joe frowned and folded his arms across his chest.

“Doctor Wallace would notice the way you’ve got your arms now, Joseph.”

Sighing, Joe pulled his arms down to his sides.  “Okay, Pa.”

“So?  What did Sandy say to you?”

“Oh, he was just trying to pester me about going to that dance Saturday and he just had to try and see if I was bothered by the fact that Becky had moved on with some guy from the bank.”

“Are you bothered by that?  I know you liked her, right?”

“Pa, I’m not bothered by it, I hardly even dated her and that was almost a year ago,” Joe returned.

“You are going to the dance, aren’t you?”

Joe fought not to frown as that would just be another gesture that his pa would try to analyze.  “I don’t want to go to the stupid dance, Pa.”

“Is it because of Becky – or because of something else?” Ben continued to pry.

“Because I don’t want to go, just like I said, that’s why.  Now can we get off of that subject please?” Joe was becoming a bit irritated with his father’s questions, and it showed on his face and in the tone of his voice.

“You haven’t gone to any dance in quite a while, Joe,” Ben’s statement came out with a question to it.

“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

Ben could tell that he had hit a sore spot with his son and took note of it.  There was something that was troubling Joe that he just wasn’t going to tell his father and he didn’t want to push the boy too far.  He drew in a deep breath and tried to choose his words carefully.  “So – what happened today at the breaking corral wasn’t due to you seeing the Hilliard sign and it had nothing to do with anything that Sandy said, and it’s got nothing to do with your former girlfriend or the fact you no longer want to go to any dances.  Is that right?”

“C’mon, Pa, you know that she wasn’t my girlfriend I only went out with her twice.  And, if I wanted to go to that dance I would, but I don’t.   You know you sometimes make too much out of nothing at all!   As for getting hurt today, well It’s just like I said, I just wasn’t paying attention.  Now can we please drop all of this?”  Joe asked again getting very frustrated by the way his pa was interrogating him.

Ben reached over and patted his son’s arm and smiled, “And you’re fine, right?”

Joe nodded and answered wryly, “Yes, fine as frog’s hair.”

***He’s got to know that I’m not buying any of this now.  And his statement fine as frog’s hair obviously means the complete opposite*** Ben thought to himself.

Ben stood from the chair and his eyes fell on the journal sitting there on the nightstand.  “Are you still keeping up with that?” Pa asked indicating the journal.

“Yeah — it’s got my deepest darkest secrets in it – but I imagine you know that since you probably read it when I’m not here,” Joe said and directed his accusatory gaze at his pa.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Joseph,” Ben grinned sheepishly and turned for the door.  “You get some rest and stay away from the breaking corral for a while, okay?”

“Yes, Sir,” Joe agreed and watched as his father left the room.  He thought it was very amusing that Pa hadn’t actually denied having read the journal he just acted as though he had no idea why in the world Joe had even suggested that he had.  *** He’s read it alright*** Joe nodded to himself.   Pa never could lie worth a darn.

******************

Joe listened for his father’s call to come down for dinner so he wouldn’t have a repeat visit from his brother Adam like he had the previous night.  By the time he reached the last landing of the staircase Joe could see that everyone was already seated at the table.  He made his way through the living room and from Joe’s peripheral vision his attention was drawn to the front door.

*** Why do they refuse to slide that bolt into place?  Anyone can just walk in here!  How many times do I have to do it? *** Joe thought to himself.  He had to force himself to walk past the door and take his place there at the table.

Pa said grace and then he began to pass the dishes around the dining table.  Joe watched as Hoss helped himself to the potatoes and grinned to see that half of the bowl had been emptied.  Hop Sing, who had stood just in the entrance to the kitchen had been prepared and brought over a second bowl of the spuds.  While Adam began to talk about upcoming deals regarding railroad ties, Joe had to force himself to ignore his growing concern over the fact that the front door wasn’t locked.  He fought the urge to get up and fasten it, knowing he’d get a strange look from the others if he made the move.  Nervously sipping his water, still trying to forget about the front door, Joe hadn’t heard Adam’s request to send the rolls down to the end of the table where he sat.

“Joe?  Joe – you want to pass the rolls?” Adam asked, his voice rising a bit trying to shake his brother out of whatever was controlling his thoughts.

“Oh – oh sorry,” Joe apologized and passed the rolls on to his brother.

Ben caught on to the fact that his youngest wasn’t placing any food on his plate but just kept sipping his water and glancing over his shoulder for some reason.  He decided not to say anything for the present and instead began to carve into the ham on his plate.

*** I just can’t believe that nobody in this house can lock a darn door *** Joe continued to think about the slide bolt.  He lifted his silverware and then set it right back down alongside of his dinner plate.  ***If I get up they’re all going to look at me.  Okay – I can handle this.  I’ll take care of it when I get done. *** Joe tried to bargain with himself, but it wasn’t working.

“Joseph?  How’s that leg of yours?” Pa asked, trying to jolt his son back to reality.

“Sorry – what did you say, Pa?” Joe said as he set his water glass down.  He hadn’t even drunk from it that time.

“I asked you how your leg is, Son,” Ben responded patiently.

Joe looked over his shoulder again and fought not to stand.  “Oh – oh it’s fine – just fine, Pa.”

Hoss stared over at Adam and saw him shaking his head.  Everyone had become very aware that Joe was distracted.

“I figured you’d end up with a lot of bruising, Little Brother,” Hoss chimed in.

*** After everything that’s happened this year they just leave the door unlocked!  I guess since none of them spent three months in a cellar they can handle the fact that anyone can just walk in here *** Joe continued to dwell on the front door.

“Joe?  Do you have a lot of bruising?” Hoss restated.

“Oh – sorry – no – don’t have much,” Joe finally looked over at Hoss and once again took a drink of water.  He had yet to put anything on his dinner plate.

Ben drew in a deep breath and wondered if he should address Joe’s stranger than usual behavior.  “Joseph?  Do you want some ham?” He asked, deciding that offering his son the platter of meat wouldn’t seem intrusive.

Joe glanced over his shoulder ignoring his father’s offer.  The door situation was growing harder to deal with as each minute ticked away.

“Oh – sorry –Pa.  Sure, I’ll take some,” Joe finally reached for the plate his father still held in his hand.  He grabbed his fork and drew off a piece of the ham and placed it on his plate.

“Here – now that you’re finally ready to eat have some spuds,” Hoss smiled over at his brother and handed Joe the bowl of potatoes.

Joe accepted the bowl and pulled out some potatoes and handed it back to Hoss.  He now at least had some food on his plate though he hadn’t even made an attempt to eat anything.  Joe went back to his water glass again.

*** All three of them passed that darn door and just left it like that – it would take what — two seconds to slide that bolt? *** Joe continued to concentrate on the unlocked door, his anger and anxiety peaking over the very thought of it.

Pa had held his tongue as long as he could manage.  He finally reached over and placed his right hand down onto Joe’s left arm.

“Joseph?  Do you think you could try to eat your dinner?”

Joe bit at his bottom lip losing the fight to pretend that he wasn’t bothered by the unlocked front door.  He drew in a deep breath and stabbed a piece of the ham and drew it up to his mouth, realizing that all  eyes were on him.

“Fine supper tonight, Hop Sing,” Ben said to the cook as he made his way in the room.

*** I just can’t take it! *** Joe was filled with outrage over the careless way in which the others had left the household unprotected and vulnerable by failing to take precautions seriously.  His temper now reaching its zenith he abruptly pushed back his chair and stood.  Joe angrily marched over to solve the problem.  *** I’ll fix this myself!  Maybe they don’t care if someone bursts into this place, but I do! *** Joe said to himself as he reached for the lock.

Ben, Hoss, Adam and Hop Sing had all watched as Joe headed towards the front door.  They cast glances back and forth trying to figure out where Joe was going so suddenly.  It was then that they heard the whine of the slide bolt.

Pa glared at his two sons and Hop Sing, warning them with his eyes not to say a word to Joe about what he had just done.

Joe made his way back to the dining table and sat down.  He picked up his fork and began eating his dinner, never looking over at his family.

****************

Dinner had been a disaster, at least that’s how Joe thought of it.  He had to beat a hasty exit, making the excuse that he wanted to check on his horse.  Joe witnessed the odd expression on his father’s face when he had grabbed his Colt before heading out to the barn.

“Okay, Pa,” Adam began as he sat down and spread his legs out in front of the blue winged back chair next to the fireplace.  “You want to tell Hoss and me what’s going on with our little brother?  Joe is jumpy and distracted here lately.  I’ve not seen him this bad off since before he went off to that hospital in San Francisco and that was months ago.”

“Adam’s right, Pa,” Hoss jumped in as he settled down onto the settee.  “I knew something was wrong when he got hurt today.  We all know that he has some issues, but he’s been able to handle those – least from what I’ve seen.  But the last few days he sure has been a caution!  And this thing about the door—what’s all that about?  Do you think he’s afraid of someone getting a hold of him?  I mean Trenton is locked up in prison.”

Ben shook his head and sighed deeply.  “I told you both that Doctor Wallace said that this could happen.  He’s just going through a rough patch.  The more fuss we make about it the worse it’s going to be.  Doctor Wallace taught your brother how to deal with it, so let’s just give him time to settle down.  As for that door – well — if it makes Joe feel better to keep it locked then maybe we ought to try harder to do just that?”

“I think it’s the Hilliard name mentioned yesterday, Pa ,” Adam insisted.

“No, Son, Joseph was jumpy at the dinner table last night long before he knew anything about that ranch getting sold.  Like I said – it could be just a brief rough patch that he’s just got to get over.”

“Maybe it’s a good thing that we’re going to Granite Pointe to get those horses, Pa.  It might help for Joe to get away from here for a little while.  I mean he’s not gone anywhere since you both got back from San Francisco and that’s been almost two months ago,” Hoss added, trying to sound upbeat for his father’s sake.  He could read the worry on Pa’s face.

Ben nodded, “I agree, Hoss.  Until then let’s just try our best not to make a fuss about Joe’s behavior.

“Agreed,” Adam said and grabbed a book from the coffee table.

****************

Joe sat in the barn by himself mulling over what had happened during dinner.  He knew that his bolting the door had sent a message to everyone in his family that he wasn’t doing very well.

*** I couldn’t help it.  They all just don’t understand how easily it would be for someone to get a jump on us if we just leave the door open all of the time.  I know I acted a bit out of it at supper.  It didn’t help that Adam droned on and on – something about contracts but for what I’d no idea nor did I really care.  I could hear both Pa and Hoss chime in with suggestions and questions, their voices sounded like a strange hum inside of my brain.  The next thing I knew Pa was shaking my arm and I had to look up.  I wasn’t sure if I should pretend that I had been paying attention to what had been said or not?   I can still hear him. ***

“Joseph?  Did you hear me?”

“Oh sorry, Pa — what’d you say?”

“I asked you if you’d like to go with Hoss and me to see about purchasing those horses over in Granite Pointe.”

*** I had to wonder then if Adam’s contract talk had ended and a new topic had been broached. ***

“Oh yeah, sure I would, Pa, when?”

*** That was when Hoss had shot a glance over at both Pa and Adam and out of the corner of my eye I could see how they all just shook their heads to apparently signal the fact I was off in my own little world again. ***

“Joe, I know you don’t care about contracts but can you at least TRY to follow along?” Adam asked.

*** Yeah, I could hear the exasperation in his voice and I wondered how I’d get out of this one? ***

“Sorry,” Joe muttered and went back to toying with the food on his plate.

Ben cleared his throat to quell any dissention around the table.  “Adam is trying to figure out if we’re going to be able to fulfill the order from the Desanto Shipping Company for the timber they’ve requested.  The new contract came today via courier.”

“Ok,” Joe nodded and looked directly into Pa’s eyes for the first time since taking a seat there at the table twenty minutes before.  “So?  What about the horses, Pa? “

“We’re going to go and check to see if they’ll be enough to help with the extra wagons I’ve already ordered.”

“I can gentle them for you, Pa,” Joe offered.

Adam sent out a groan from the far end of the dining table.  “Joe, these aren’t saddle horses that we’re talking about they’re for hauling.  Do you follow now?”

*** I remember frowning at the way I was made to feel like a fool by what Adam had said.  But I guess it had been a stupid thing to say – gentling those horses that were trained for harness already.  All I could think to do at the time was to grab my coffee cup and hold in my anger at having been put in my place once again by my oldest brother.  It was then that Hoss piped up and it didn’t help the situation any. ***

“Hey, Little Brother, are you sure that you only hurt that leg of yours today and not your head too?”

“My head’s fine thanks,” Joe answered.  “When are we leaving, Pa?” Joe was back to his father’s earlier topic.

“It’s going to take at least two days to get to Granite Pointe and I figure a day or so there and two days back.  The three of us will leave Monday.  I think we can handle at least a dozen horses by ourselves since the ranch hands are pretty busy between the timber camp and the herd.”

“Sounds good, Pa,” Joe nodded and once again noticed the peculiar looks that passed between Hoss and Adam.  “I’ve got to go check on Cochise.  I think he’s got a stone bruise.”

*** And that’s when I left and came out here.  No there’s no stone bruise or anything else wrong with my horse.  Better than I can say about me.  I ain’t doing so hot – and I’m not exactly sure why.  Maybe it’s why I haven’t set down this Colt since I walked out of the house and why leaving that blasted door unlocked grates on my nerves?  They’re probably in the house right now having a meeting about me.  Maybe they’ll be suggesting I take a little “holiday” in San Francisco to see Doctor Wallace.  No thanks, I’ve done my time.  It’s just like he said anyhow.  Some days will be good, and some days won’t.  It’s just been a “won’t” type of day, well, several in fact. ***

Joe patted his pinto’s neck and then brought the lantern to the barn door.  He cast a quick glance towards the small table standing in the back.  He could hear his agitated voice again.  *** Drink your whiskey, Pa! *** Joe closed his eyes.  It had been better than six months since he had his little standoff out in the barn and forced his father to drink from that shot glass full of rotgut as he cocked the hammer of his gun numerous times.  He remembered how he had refused the lantern and had insisted that his father needed to “stay in the darkness”.   Joe fought back the memory as he turned away from the barn and headed inside the house.

*************

The three pairs of eyes were trained on Joe as he reappeared from the barn.  He turned his back on them all and tried to quietly slide the bolt back into position to secure the house again.  Joe fought to give the appearance that all was well as he crossed the room.

“Goodnight,” Joe muttered as he headed to the staircase.

Ben leaned forward in his chair and called across the room.  “Joseph?”

“Yeah, Pa?” Joe asked, not turning around.

“Are you taking that up to your room?”  Pa pointed to the Colt still held in his son’s left hand.

It was only then that Joe noticed that he hadn’t put his gun back down onto the credenza.  He fought his embarrassment over realizing that everyone was staring at him once more.

When Joe didn’t answer their father right away Adam piped up and said, “I sure wouldn’t want you to pull that thing on me when I go to wake you up!”  Adam had meant his remark as a joke, something to break the mounting tension.  However, Joe didn’t take it that way.

“Well maybe that’s why you shouldn’t just go barging into my room, Adam!” Joe sounded out hotly.  He was upset enough over the fact that he had walked into the house carrying the gun without realizing it he sure didn’t need any wise cracks about it.

“Joe — I was just kidding,” Adam tried to explain.

“Well, I’m not.  Stop coming into my room without knocking.  You did that yesterday and I don’t appreciate it!” Joe fussed.

Ben stood and tried to control the slow burn that was growing between his sons.

“That’s enough the both of you,” Pa said sternly.

“Well tell him to stop coming into my room without knocking, will you?” Joe fired back.

“Then you start listening when Pa calls you down for supper, so I don’t have to trudge up those stairs after you,” Adam returned.

“That’s not an excuse, Adam.  It only takes a few seconds to knock on a damn door!”

“Enough!”  Ben had to raise his voice louder.  He watched as Joe dropped his head and he figured that his youngest was trying to mask all his strange behavior by directing anger over at Adam.

“Just tell him to knock from now on, Pa,” Joe insisted.

“Fine I’ll knock,” Adam broke in.  It wasn’t worth all of Joe’s ire to try and match his temper and he didn’t want to put his father through any more stress either.

“That’s all I asked,” Joe returned.

“Joseph – your gun,” Ben pointed over at his son.  “Go and put it up.”

Joe crossed the living room and holstered his gun.  He slowly approached the stairs again.  “I just don’t like it when anyone bursts into my room.  I don’t do that to any of you – I’m just asking for the same kind of courtesy.”

“That’s been addressed now, Joseph.  Let’s drop it,” Ben responded.

“Fine,” Joe said quietly and walked up to his room.

“What was that about?” Hoss asked as soon as he was sure that Joe was back inside of his bedroom.

Pa turned and cast a look over at Hoss.  “I’m telling you both to go easy on him for now.  I know he’s not pleasant to live with when he’s troubled by something — so let’s just avoid there being any big blow ups.  And let’s ALL remember to knock on his door from now on, okay?”

Hoss and Adam nodded over to their father.  With the way Joe had acted the past few days they decided that it would be a good thing to give him fair warning before just appearing in his room.  They never knew if he’d be mindlessly carrying up his gun again.

**************

Joe spread out on his bed feeling awful for the way he had behaved downstairs.  He hadn’t meant to fire off at Adam even though he was upset about the whole not knocking before coming into his bedroom thing.  Still, Joe knew it wasn’t handled in the correct manner and it bothered him.  He worried about the looks he had seen on the faces of all there in the living room.  Joe was sure that they all felt he was losing his mind.  He had tried, tried real hard, to overcome the latent effects of the trauma that he had gone through months ago.  Doctor Wallace had taught him how to control the triggers but now he felt as though it had all gotten out of hand, and everything seemed to be bothering him lately.  Joe remembered talking to Pa on that trip back from San Francisco two months ago.  He had been brutally honest with his father and shared all of the triggers that he had identified there in the hospital.  On the last leg of their journey by stagecoach the two of them had it all to themselves as the other passengers had disembarked, thus making it easier to talk to Pa about everything.  While the stage had pitched back and forth and the light of day had turned into darkness Joe told Pa that Doctor Wallace had said that you never completely get over trauma, especially not the kind he had endured.  Rather you learn to watch out for triggers, a term the doctor would spout to get through to a patient, especially the hard cases like Joe.  The doctor had warned Joe all about encountering setbacks and that he should expect those.  It was part of Joe’s “new normal”.  That term had come from one of the other patients who Joe sat with during group settings.  Joe had taken that man’s name, though it had been long before he had met Jim Rivers.  And so, Joe had warned Pa that he might have days when he might be a little more somber or down-right hard to get along with.  To that statement, though Pa hadn’t intended to sound glib, because he knew the seriousness of the situation, yet he had given Joe a reassuring pat to his back and told him that he’d gone through all of those mood swings with Joe long before he’d run into trouble with both Preston and Trenton Hilliard.  Joe had been honest with his father that trip, in fact painfully honest, about how he felt about everything he had gone through and how he intended to move forward with his life.  He noticed the intensity on his father’s face and Joe could see the hopefulness there in his eyes.  They talked father to son and at times just plain man to man.  Though his father knew that his youngest had hid a lot from him in the past, especially in the dreadful recent past, he read honesty there in the hazel eyes on the stage.  Joe remembered telling Pa how strange it had seemed when Doctor Wallace had first used the term “trigger” as he had to admit that it sounded like an odd word for something that might come up out of the blue and cause a set-back.  But Joe had identified some of his own “triggers” and told Pa he’d try his best to avoid them.  It had sounded a bit trite to just say those words “trying your best” as that was something Pa used to tell him before he had a test when he was a kid in school.  Now it meant that Joe would try his best in order to prevent scenes like sitting in a dark barn shoving shot glasses full of rotgut over at his father or tying someone down to a bunk with the intent of torturing them like he had done to Trenton Hilliard.  Those were the types of scenes Joe would have to prevent from happening again maybe every single day for the rest of his life.  He wasn’t sure.  And he wasn’t sure about life in general, but Doctor Wallace had advised his patient to ease up on himself and to take life as it comes.  Yeah, wiser words had never been spoken coming from a doctor who had never experienced the kinds of trauma that Joe had.

Joe reached for his journal.  He needed to jot down everything that he had said and done that day in order to hopefully make some sense out of it all.  Doctor Wallace would tell him to envision that stream and listen to the sound of the water flowing softly over the rocks.  Joe couldn’t do that anymore.  He was focused on hearing other things, dreadful things that had suddenly come back to him.  Now he’d have to deal with the fact that his whole life seemed to be one big trigger.  He hoped that Pa wouldn’t read the next page he was going to write.

Joe grabbed up his pencil and began.  *** I know that something is going to happen, I feel it in my bones.  Okay, maybe I’m having as they say “issues” but there’s also a thing called instinct and my instinct says that something or someone is coming for me.  Yeah, I know Pa had Roy check to make sure old Trenton is safely locked up in Nevada Territorial Prison.  I still feel something is coming for me.  I don’t know what that might be.  Maybe I’ve had one too many “triggers” in my life and now everything is in a loop and playing with my imagination.  But, that said, something isn’t right.  Time will tell.  Pa, if you read this –well shame on you anyhow!  You know I’m as sane as I ever was.  I guess that’s not saying a heck of a lot, but don’t book my “holiday” in San Francisco yet.  Let me just figure this out.  Now put my book back and stick the pencil right where I left off like you always do.  Thanks. ***

 *****************

One by one each of Joe’s family members filed past him on Saturday as they prepared to head out to the barn dance.  And each one stared over at him there next to the coffee table.  Joe had broken down his Colt revolver and was giving it a very thorough cleaning.  That wasn’t an uncommon practice, but he had just done it a mere two nights prior.

“Wish you’d come with us, Little Brother,” Hoss called from the settee, and then walked across the room and grabbed his ten-gallon hat, putting it on his head.

“Yeah, well, maybe next time, Hoss,” Joe answered never lifting his eyes up from his task.

“I’m going to be playing with the band, Joe, don’t you want to catch a few songs?” Adam figured that he’d try one last attempt to get his brother to come along.

Joe sighed wearily over the fact that none of his family members ever took no for an answer.  “Have fun,” He returned.

Ben made it down the stairs pulling on his dress coat.  He eyed the youngest sitting there cleaning his six-gun.  Shaking his head over the way Joe continually cleaned the weapon he fought not to mention that it seemed a bit abnormal.

“Joseph?” Ben called down to his son as he stood next to him.

Joe decided to look up at Pa, unlike the way he hadn’t made eye contact with his brothers he would show some respect.  And he knew that Pa wouldn’t be applying pressure on him to go to the barn dance since, no doubt, his father had been reading his journal and that meant he would know that his youngest son was a bit on edge.

“Yeah, Pa?”

“I was just wondering what you were going to do while we were gone,” Pa spoke out with a quiet tone to his voice, almost the way he would talk to a wounded animal so it wouldn’t attack.

“Oh, just clean my gun and then maybe a rifle or two,” Joe remarked casually and then watched as his two brothers who still stood by the front door exchanged glances over what he had relayed.

Ben hesitated momentarily attempting to choose his words carefully once more.   “Son, since we may be a bit late – if you go to bed before we’re back – would you mind not leaving the slide bolt on?”

Joe stood from the blue winged back chair and approached Pa.  He settled a hand onto his shoulder and smiled.  “Come on, Pa – I sure as heck ain’t gonna lock you three out!  I’ll be up, and if I fall asleep down here by the fireplace just bang on the door and I’ll go open it up.  Now you three go and have a good time,” He responded as he eased over to the door so he could draw the lock into position just as soon as they headed outside.

“Fine, Son,” Ben nodded and patted Joe’s back.  He noticed the looks that Hoss and Adam were shooting back and forth and that made him clear his throat to try to get their attention.  As far as Pa was concerned no-one needed to set Joe off before he would be spending hours alone.  Even Hop Sing was gone, having left to help a sick cousin in Virginia City and expected to stay for a few days.

“Have fun!” Joe sang out as the three men walked out of the door.

From outside the three Cartwrights heard the distinct whine of the metal slide bolt sealing Joe safely inside and all others out.

*** Oh, Joseph. *** Ben thought to himself and frowned.  He looked over at his other boys and they were giving their father the eye that all was not well with their youngest brother.

“Let’s go,” Ben sighed and headed for the double-seated surrey.

**************

Joe made good use of his time by finishing with his Colt and then proceeding to clean all the rifles on the rack there by the staircase.  He felt like he might as well get to all of them as he had the rags and cleaning solution on the table already.  Just as he was readying to put the last rifle back into its former position in the rack, he heard a strange sound outside and then the bang of wood against the front of the house. His body seized up tight and adrenalin began to course through his veins.

*** Breathe Joe, just breathe. *** He reminded himself as he turned around and inched slowly to the front door with the rifle held firmly in his hands.  Joe stared down at his Colt lying on the coffee table as he passed by and wished he had taken the time to reassemble it, but he’d gotten too engrossed with the rifles.  Joe double checked that the rifle was loaded and was glad to find that it was.  That’s when he remembered that he had loaded every single weapon after cleaning them that night.

Joe eased the slide bolt back from the door and took a deep breath to stay his nerves a bit.  He knew someone had to be on the porch or somewhere close.  None of the hired hands were about as they were all in Virginia City at the dance.  Poking the barrel of the rifle out of the door as he moved stealthily right behind his weapon, Joe soon made his way to the porch. It was at that very moment he saw movement out of his peripheral vision off to the left.  Joe took aim and shot the second he heard the crash of wood against the house again.

Looking down at the rocking chair, which was now missing the back of it, Joe saw the big black cat running off towards the side of the ranch house.

*** Dad burn it!  Stupid cat!  Now how in the heck am I gonna explain to Pa that I shot one of our rocking-chairs to smithereens? ***

Joe leaned forward and picked up what was left of the chair and carried it off to the side of the house.  He wished he had seen the cat as he would’ve thrown what was left of the rocking chair at it.

*** What rocking chair, Pa?  I’ve no idea what you’re talking about, Sir. *** Joe began to practice his lines for when his father made it in.  He hoped that the pungent odor of gunpowder would eventually dissipate before all three men got home.  *** I can just imagine what Adam will say if he finds out I blasted that darn chair and almost took out a cat too.  And, well, even Hoss thinks I’m a couple eggs shy of a dozen.  But Pa!  Yeah, he’ll look at me with the “don’t you worry, Son, everything will be just FINE!” look and then he’ll start writing a letter to Doctor Wallace for advice.  I just had to take out that darn chair, I wish I’d taken the cat out instead as nobody would miss that thing.  I’m going inside, *** Joe sighed and made his way back into the house making sure to slide the bolt back into the locked position.

***************

Ben and his two older boys arrived home just after midnight.  After pounding on the front door, a couple of times they heard the bolt slide across the door and Joe let them in.

“Did you three have a good time?” Joe asked for want of anything better to say.  Secretly he was hoping that the porch light hadn’t given away the fact that there was now only one rocking chair out there.

“Yes, we did,” Ben smiled as they moved inside and removed their hats and Adam set down his guitar.

“Good—hey – anyone want some coffee?  I just made some,” Joe offered.

“None for me, Little Brother, I’m beat,” Hoss smiled and patted his brother’s shoulder as he turned for the stairs.

“Me too, Kid, maybe tomorrow,” Adam nodded over at Joe and turned to follow Hoss up the staircase.

“Goodnight, Boys,” Ben called and then took a seat in his red leather chair.  “I’ll have some, Joseph,” He grinned over at his son as Joe moved to the coffee table.

“Here you go, Pa,” Joe said and handed his father a cup.  He then settled there next to the fireplace and hoped guilt didn’t show on his face.

“Thank you,” Ben nodded and took a good look at the boy.  When Joe didn’t offer any conversation but appeared to continually stir his own cup of coffee he spoke back up.  “Okay, it’s about time that you and I talked.”

Joe looked down at the table and replied, “Talk?  We talk all of the time, Pa.”

“You know what I mean, Joseph.  Now what’s been going on with you here lately?  It’s time you let me into that brain of yours.”

Joe laughed and stood up.  He grabbed the fire-poker in order to do something with his hands.  “Come on, Pa – you know exactly what’s going on with me.”

“How’s that?”

“Because you read my journal, right?” Joe turned suddenly and stared down at his pa.

“Why would you say that?” Ben returned feigning innocence.

Joe sighed and set the poker down and sat back on top of the coffee table.  “Pa, I learned a long time ago when I ask you a question and you reply with a question that you’ve either got some kind of goods on me or you’re not telling me something.  Now you’ve been reading it just say it.”

“I might have glanced at it –,” Ben tried to choose his words wisely.

Joe laughed and said, “Did you put the pencil back like I asked you to do in that last entry, Pa?”

Ben reached over and patted the boy’s arm, and his face showed his guilt.  “Yes, Son, I put it back.  Now, why do you think that I’m going to either send you away or write Doctor Wallace for advice?”

“Because of the way I’ve been acting, and you know it.  You’ve all seen it – like how jumpy I’ve gotten and —well the way that I got hurt the other day breaking horses isn’t normal I guess.”

“It’s perhaps a bit odd, but I don’t think it’s anything to get upset about.   Remember the doctor said that you might have some setbacks, and that it’s just the way these things go when you’ve had to deal with the kind of trauma that you’ve dealt with this year.”

Joe frowned and returned, “Pa – let’s level, okay?”

“I thought I’d been leveling,” Ben insisted.

“I’ve been on edge and I’m not sure why.  But I don’t really want you to send me back to San Francisco.”

“I wasn’t going to send you anywhere, Joseph.  And surely not unless we spoke about it first.  I am concerned though, just like tonight.  I had hoped you’d go to that dance.  Several young ladies asked about you.”

Joe shook his head and stood back up.  “Pa, ease up about that, it’s a sore subject with me even though I’ve not written in my journal about it,” Joe whispered, his face taking on an exasperated expression.

Ben set down his coffee cup and stood.  He moved next to his son and placed a hand on his shoulder.  “Tell me.”

Joe sucked in a deep breath and responded quietly, “After what I went through – you know in Littleton—well – dating isn’t something that I’m ready for yet.  And, Pa, I’d rather not say anything more on that subject please.”

Ben thought on what his son had related to him and noticed how upset Joe now appeared.  Pa figured that he had been wrong to broach the subject so soon.  His son had been through such trauma that there was no way he could resume his former life all at once.  Even Doctor Wallace had told Ben that.  Joe had to build his self-confidence back up to where it had been prior to the three months he had spent in captivity going through pure hell.

“Give it time, Joseph.  It’ll happen.  I’m sorry that we all tried so hard to push you into going to the dance tonight.  I wish you’d told me,” He whispered.

Joe frowned and then looked into Pa’s compassionate eyes and said with irony in his voice, “I should’ve written it in my journal and then you would have known without asking me, Pa.”

Ben laughed and nodded, “I guess you’re right.  Now did you keep yourself entertained while we were gone?  Get all those rifles cleaned?”

Joe attempted to hide the guilt he felt over having blasted the chair out on the porch.  “Yes, I got all of them cleaned.”

Ben reached back to the table and lifted his cup of coffee while eying his son.  He could tell that there was something else on his mind.

“So, it was quiet then?” Ben reiterated, this time raising his eyebrows to force the truth from his son.

“Okay – okay!” Joe raised his arms in gesture as if to surrender to his father’s line of questioning.  “I shot one of the rocking chairs on the porch.”

Ben fought back a smile and replied, “I noticed,” He nodded.

“Darn cat jumped onto the rocking chair it hit up against the house—and well –,” Joe paused.  The whole explanation seemed just as foolish as the act of shooting the chair had.

“Did you kill the cat?” Ben smiled.  He wanted to get his son to lighten up about the incident before they delved into it fully.

Joe shook his head and smiled wryly.  “I wish I had!  Darn thing about scared the heck out of me, Pa!  It’s got nine lives though so it wouldn’t have mattered I guess.”

“Well, those chairs needed to be replaced anyway—they’ve gotten a bit weathered from the sun and rain.  I don’t think it’s too great a loss.  But –,” Ben was cut short by his son.

“There’s the “but” I’ve been waiting for,” Joe sighed and sat back opposite his pa.  “Go ahead, Pa, chew me out for recklessly firing at just plain outside noise.”

“I’m not going to chew you out, Joseph.  But I want you to be more careful with the weapon situation around here.  I don’t want you taking your gun upstairs anymore and I want you to be more careful with where you are aiming any gun.”

“Yes, Sir,” Joe nodded dutifully.  “Is that it?”

Ben laughed and shook his head.  “Why?  Do you want me to rant and rave at you?  Would that make you feel better about killing the rocking chair?”

Joe laughed, “No, Pa – it’s just that it kind of makes me feel that you’re walking on eggshells around me due to my mental state.  Any other time I did a blame fool thing like that you’d have raised the roof!”

Ben reached over and patted his son’s shoulder and replied, “Then consider yourself fortunate that I’m privy to that journal of yours as I know you are having a tough spell right now.  That’s not to say I approve of you shooting first and looking later.  You be more careful, or I WILL raise the roof around here,” He warned sternly.

“Thanks, Pa – that makes me feel a bit better.”

“You want me to yell more – would that help?” Pa grinned and raised his eyebrows.

Joe shook his head, “No, Sir, that’s enough for tonight at least.”

“Alright then.  You go on up and get some sleep.  We’ve got to get everything ready for our trip to Granite Pointe on Monday so we’re all going to need our rest.”

“Okay, Pa,” Joe nodded and turned for the stairs.  He paused halfway up and turned to look down at his father.  “Thanks.”

Ben smiled and nodded his head and watched as his son walked up to his room.  Once Joe was gone from his sight, he stood and walked over to his study.  Ben decided that he needed to write Doctor Wallace.  Joe was starting to go down a dangerous path and it troubled Pa.  He figured that a letter to the good doctor wouldn’t hurt and that there was no real reason to tell Joseph about it.

*************

Ben knelt next to the campfire and poured the three cups of coffee and called over to his two sons.  “Come and get it – one last cup before we turn in!”

“Thanks, Pa,” Hoss nodded to his father and took the cup and sat down on his bedroll.

“Where’s Joe? He was standing right next to you a second ago,” Ben stared over at his middle boy puzzled.

Hoss frowned and leaned a bit closer to his father and whispered, “He decided to walk the perimeter again.”

“The perimeter?”

“Yep, that’s what he called it and took his gun and walked out yonder!” Hoss pointed out past where the horses were all settled, their reins tied to a make-shift rope corral.

Ben sighed and shook his head wearily.  “He’s been a bit worked up tonight, hasn’t he?”

“Tonight?  More like a week, Pa.  What’s got him so spooked anyhow?  Did he ever confide in you about it?”

Shrugging his shoulders helplessly he replied, “Joseph hasn’t really said exactly, Son, he’s just a bit edgier than usual.  I was really hoping this trip would relax him and –,” Ben stopped talking when his youngest came into view.

Joe knelt next to his pa and reached for the extra tin cup filled with coffee.  He didn’t speak nor did he holster his gun.

“Horses all settled, Little Brother?”

Joe sipped his coffee and nodded.  “Yeah, no problem there.”

Ben wondered if he should mention the fact that Joe still held onto his Colt in his left hand all the while holding the cup with his other one.  “Did you hear something, Joseph?”

“Huh?” Joe asked, wondering why his father had said what he had.

“Your gun,” Pa motioned with his hand.

Joe stared down at the revolver and it was only then that he realized that he was still holding it.  He holstered it and responded, “No—I didn’t hear anything, Pa.  I just was – well—just checking the area over before bedding down for the night.”

*** My excuses are causing both Pa and Hoss to stare at me even harder now! *** Joe thought to himself when he spied both men casting fleeting glances back and forth at each other.

Hoss hoped a change of subject might help the tenseness he could feel emanating from his little brother at the time.  “You know if we cut through there by Littleton, we could shave off three or four hours tomorrow, Pa.”

Ben just about choked on his coffee upon hearing what Hoss had said.  He witnessed an appearance of intense fear spreading across Joe’s face at the mere mention of the town where he had been held captive for three straight months earlier in the year.

It wasn’t until his father stopped coughing that Hoss realized what an awful slip of the tongue, he had made by mentioning Littleton.  He didn’t know what to do about it either.

“We’re not in any hurry, Hoss,” Pa said after he finally could breathe again.

Joe knew why his father had choked on his coffee because had he, himself, taken a good long sip he’d have choked as well.

“Sorry, Little Brother,” Hoss whispered and reached over and patted his shoulder.  “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Joe stood from the campfire and tried his best to pretend that he was fine.  “It’s okay, Hoss, no problem.  Hey, I’m kinda tired, so see you both in the morning,” Joe announced and grabbed his bedroll.

Pa and Hoss wondered just where Joe was walking off to at the time.  They figured that he’d spread his bedroll out next to the campfire where they had theirs laid out.  But the boy had gone a good piece away and apparently planned to sleep up close to a big pine tree.

“Gosh, Pa, I’m so sorry.  I feel awful for saying the name of that place,” Hoss’ regret bled out in his tone of voice.

“It’s okay, Hoss.  Don’t worry about it.  Now why is your brother sleeping all the way over there?  You’d think he’d want to be next to us and the fire,” Ben whispered as he stared across the camp to where Joe was spreading out his bedroll.

Hoss set his cup down next to the campfire and replied, “I guess it’s the tree, Pa.  Looks like Joe wanted something up against his back – you know – so nothing could sneak up on him.”

“I don’t like him being that far from us – in case he has a nightmare or whatever.  Do you suppose I should say something to him?”

Hoss shook his head and patted his father’s shoulder.  “Naw, Pa, just let him be.  He’s not all that far – and we’ll hear him if he gets up.”

“Agreed,” Ben answered and leaned against his own saddle and pulled up his blanket.  “But I might try and stay up for just a bit to make sure he does in fact go down.”

“Okay, I’ll wait up awhile with you,” Hoss nodded and settled back.

***************

All three Cartwrights fell right off to sleep before midnight, but Hoss woke when he thought he heard something.  He sat up and tried to get a good look to see if Joe was still where he’d last seen him up against the pine tree.  When he couldn’t get a good look at his brother Hoss stood and cautiously approached where he was lying.

Ben had heard his middle son getting up from his bedroll and soon joined him just to the right of where Joe was sleeping soundly.

“Look!” Hoss whispered to his father who had come up behind him.  He pointed to Joe’s left hand.   His brother was sound asleep with his Colt held firmly in his left-hand resting right there on his chest.

Ben shook his head and knelt next to his youngest.  He had to figure out the best way to get the gun loose from Joe’s hand without making him jump and perhaps fire the weapon.

“Maybe we should just stand back a bit and call down to him, Pa?”

“No, that won’t work,” Ben whispered.  “It might give him a start and I’m afraid he’s going to begin firing that blame thing before we have a chance to stop him.”

“Maybe you two ought to just go lay on your bedrolls and stop looking at me?” Joe muttered and sat up.

“We – well – we wuz worried about you, Little Brother,” Hoss began, trying not to reveal the truth of the matter.

“Yeah, I know.  You two think I’m gonna shoot myself or one of you.  Go back to sleep, will you?” Joe frowned.

“How about coming over to the campfire, Joseph, it’s getting pretty cold you know?”

“No, then you’d both be closer in range to me and my gun,” Joe returned sarcastically.

Ben stood and stared down at his youngest and replied exasperatedly, “If you don’t holster that gun, Young Man, I swear I’m going to tie you up with those horses over there for safe keeping!”

“Hey, I didn’t ask either of you to come over here you know?” Joe fired back, his temper mounting.  He didn’t think he should be dressed down over the fact that he wanted to stay armed, especially out in the open.  The more he thought on the fact that anyone could just walk into the camp the more his uneasiness grew.  Joe hadn’t thought out that part of the trip when he had agreed to go, but now it was grating on his nerves just thinking about what could happen.   But Pa was Pa and at times it didn’t matter how old he was; his father had a way of making him feel like he was still a little kid.  Regardless, Pa wasn’t someone he wanted to trifle with as he could be unyielding when he set his mind to it.  Apparently, this was one of those times by the look Pa was sending down at him.

“Joseph,” Ben called down sternly, an inflection of irritation in his tone.  He struck his normal paternal stance as he stood there towering over his youngest.

“Fine,” He muttered filled with aggravation at his father.  He hurriedly stuck the Colt back inside of his holster.

“Take the holster off,” Ben continued adamantly, unwilling to allow his son to sleep that close to his weapon.  He wouldn’t have stood for that kind of behavior before Joe had gone through his imprisonment there in Littleton and he wasn’t about to let it slide now.  Joseph had made it a point two nights prior to tell him that he was being treated differently due to his mental state and Ben reasoned that the boy had been correct.  So now Pa was going to remedy that situation and treat him exactly as he would have prior to the whole ordeal earlier in the year.  Ben acknowledged that it had been his own fault that Joseph had been handled with kid gloves.  But now he decided that it was time to get stern with his son for his own safety.  Even a forced sense of normalcy was some consolation, or so Pa presumed at the time.

Joe let out a frustrated sigh but decided he’d better go along with his father, or he’d get an earful of threats aimed at him.  He unstrapped his holster and placed it and the gun up by the tree.  “Okay now can I get some rest?”

“Yes, and maybe we will too,” Ben nodded, and he and Hoss walked back across the camp.

Joe pulled his hat down over his eyes and waited his family members out.  When he finally heard the rhapsody of both Pa and Hoss sawing logs, he pulled the Colt back out of the holster and held onto it.  Instead of having the weapon out in the open like he had done earlier, this time he placed his blanket over his left hand so it would go unnoticed until it was time to get up.

In the wee hours of the morning Ben awoke with a start.  He had dreamt that he was wrestling his son’s Colt out of his hand.  Pulling himself to his feet he quietly stole across the camp.  Reaching the tree where his youngest was fast asleep, Ben knelt and gently eased Joe’s blanket down some.  It was just as he had thought, whether it was due to the nightmare he had just dealt with or fatherly intuition Ben couldn’t say, but there was Joseph with his six-gun lying on his chest, the fingers of his left hand still wrapped around it.

*** You are either going to be the death of me or yourself, Joseph! *** Ben sighed to himself. Then, one by one, he cautiously pulled each of Joe’s fingers off the Colt.  *** Maybe I’ll get some sleep now that you’re disarmed!  You’ll be lucky if you get this thing back in the morning, Young Man! *** Quietly easing himself to standing, Ben walked back to his bedroll carrying his son’s weapon with him.

*************

Ben was feeling a bit played out the next day after losing sleep the night before. The three Cartwrights made it into Granite Pointe shortly before darkness fell over the town.  After settling their horses in at the local livery stable, they checked in at the only hotel there in the town.  Pa had requested a two-bedroom suite, and they were all glad when they finally sat down in the main parlor to rest for a few minutes.

“How about we get washed up a bit and then I’ll take you two out to dinner?” Ben asked, as he leaned back onto the soft cushions of the sofa.

“Sounds good, Pa,” Hoss agreed and then turned his attention to his brother.  “Joe?  How’s that sound to you?”

Joe was busy at the time.  He had sat for just a couple of minutes and then began to check over the layout of the suite.  Ben and Hoss watched as Joe made his way from one bedroom and then into the other and checked on the door that led back out into the hallway of the hotel.  He jiggled the doorknob a few times, evidently checking the lock, and then simply walked back to the sofa and sat down next to Pa.

“Joe?  Did you hear me?”

“Huh?   What Hoss?”

Hoss shook his head and exchanged a confused glance with his father.  “Pa says he’s taking us out to eat.  I asked if that sounded good to you.”

“Oh—sure, sure it does.  Maybe stop over and get a drink afterwards too, huh, Pa?” Joe tried his best to appear jovial though his eyes told a much different story.

Ben stood from the sofa stiffly.  He had been in the saddle too long the past two days and his body was letting him know about it at the time.  “We’ll see, Joe.  You two bunk in there,” he said pointing across the room.  “I’ll take this other one across from you boys.  Get cleaned up and we’ll meet back in here as soon as you look a bit more presentable.”

Hoss and his brother gathered their saddlebags and walked into the next room.  Joe watched as his big brother removed his holster, dropping it down onto one of the two beds.  He wasn’t going to follow suit. There was no possible way he would be taking off his six-gun until perhaps he went to sleep for the night.  ***This isn’t the Ponderosa** Joe thought to himself.  And, even if it was, he still had a very uneasy feeling that was starting to grow as each minute ticked by.  He had done his best to fight it, even attempting to envision that blamed river scene that Doctor Wallace had harped on about.  Joe figured he might just be tired, and his imagination was getting the best of him.  He shrugged out of his jacket and rolled up his sleeves to wash off at the basin.  *** Maybe a decent meal and a drink or two will make me settled down some? *** Joe thought to himself as he began to scrub off some of the trail dust.

***************

Ben and his two sons had their first decent meal since leaving the Ponderosa and then headed to a saloon just down the street a block.

“It was good that Mister Hardigree was there at the restaurant, Pa,” Hoss said as he lifted his beer and took a sip.

“Yes, and he said that we can get the teams tomorrow afternoon.  But it’s up to you two boys if you want to spend one more day before we leave for home or not.  What do you two think about staying over?” Ben asked as he leaned back in his chair and drank a sip of whiskey.  His back was still sore from nights sleeping on the cold hard ground and he thought an extra day would help him physically.

Joe shrugged his shoulders and stared over at his brother.  “It’s okay with me if you both want to,” he replied.  ***At least at the hotel there’s a door and a lock. *** Joe thought to himself.

“Fine by me, Pa,” Hoss smiled.

“Okay, then we’ll stay until Thursday.  Now I’m going to get some bath water ordered.  It’ll be nice to get the kinks out of my back.  You two ready?”

Joe shook his head, “I’d like to have another beer then I’ll meet the two of you over at the hotel.”

Hoss glanced at his father and noticed the uneasiness on his face.  “I’ll stay with you for a bit, Little Brother.  Maybe one more and then we’ll join you at the hotel, Pa.”

Ben stood and gave Hoss a nod, appreciating his son’s attempt to keep his eye on his little brother.  “Fine, see you two in just a bit.  Oh,” Ben paused and placed a couple of silver dollars on the table.  “That will take care of the first round – the rest is up to you both!” He smiled and turned out of the saloon.

Joe and Hoss sat there in the bar for another half an hour.  Hoss noticed that his brother didn’t seem to be in much of a hurry to leave.  Joe appeared to be lost in his thoughts and had stopped talking.

“Hey— hey, Joe,” He sang out and tapped his brother’s shoulder.  “Are you ready to head over to the hotel and get a bath?  I sure am!”

Jolted from his thoughts, Joe finally looked over at his brother and replied, “No, not yet.  Why don’t you go over and see it Pa’s done and then I’ll meet you.”

Hoss stood and stretched.  “You don’t want to come with me?”

“No, Hoss, I’m good.  I’ll have one more beer and I’ll head on over to the hotel.”

Hoss didn’t want to leave his brother knowing how jumpy the kid had been lately.  “Well, I could wait with you?”

Joe frowned and shook his head.  “Don’t worry, Big Brother, I’m just going to have one more.  I’ll meet up with you in thirty minutes tops.  I promise.”

Hoss sighed and patted his brother’s shoulder.  “No more than thirty minutes, Joe.  You know Pa will get worried.  You know how he is.”

Joe smiled and nodded, “I’ll be there in thirty minutes.”  He looked up at the clock behind the bar.  “It’s nine now, I’ll meet you by nine-thirty.  Now go on and make sure they’ve got enough hot water for the both of us, okay?”

“Okay, Little Brother.  Nine-thirty,” Hoss agreed and turned out of the saloon.

****************

Ben wasn’t amused to find that Joe hadn’t arrived back at the hotel by nine-thirty as he had promised his brother.  He paced back and forth in front of the fireplace in the parlor and stared at his pocket watch.

“It’s quarter till ten now, Hoss,” Ben grumbled.

“He’s just a little late, Pa, simmer down.  He’ll be here.”

“You know how he’s been acting lately.  I’m just concerned about the way Joseph gets a bit antsy and is too quick to fire his gun!  Go on over there, will you?  And if he doesn’t come willingly, you warn him that I’ll get out of my bedclothes and come after him myself and drag him back by his ears!”

Hoss read the worry all over his father’s face.  He pulled on his hat and returned, “I’ll go bring him back.”

**************

Joe woke up and his first thoughts, though blurry and filled with the fogginess one gets when they’ve been drugged, were suddenly on that old saying, “in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.”  Joe added to that with death, taxes and finding yourself waking up in prison. He thought on what Doctor Wallace had told him about envisioning a babbling brook but, he knew it was more like a stream of molten lava that was something straight out of Hell there in front of him.  The plain fact was that there was no stream, no lulling sounds of nature with babbling brooks and smooth worn stones.  No, just wretchedness and gore along with screams.  He swore to himself that, by the Almighty, he wasn’t going to be the one who came up dead last, not this time.  He was going to survive if it killed him.  Joe had paid his dues; in fact, he had paid enough dues for half of the people in Nevada itself.   He was going to be the one to make someone else cry and hurt and beg if they dared even think about laying one blamed finger on him there in the prison.  Joe placed his left hand up to his face covering both his mouth and his nose as if he were forcing himself to breathe while taking in the sights and smells of the disgusting place.  His eyes made their way to the manacles at his ankles and wrists.  The chains clacked together as his body shifted there on the cold hard floor.

“Damn,” Joe sighed as he looked at the loose fitting plain black boots on his feet.  ***Don’t even have my trusty boot-knife!  They must’ve gotten that when they put me in these stinking clothes and stole everything, I had on me.  I hope I get that green jacket back; I wasn’t done breaking it in.  They better not mess up the collar or I’ll be hotter than I am right now.  Come to think of it, Pa made me get rid of that double shot derringer too.  I guess they’d have that now anyhow.  I feel naked without that boot knife though. *** Joe paused from his musing and looked at the various prisoners lying around the room.  ***I betcha they’ve filed down a few table knives in their time.  Probably gonna try and shank me if I don’t watch my back. ***

***Trenton, yep, he had that friend who worked in a prison. *** Joe remembered and fought not to laugh in irony.  Pa and his brothers had been ready to put him on a stage to San Francisco and to go and seek help due to him being far too jumpy of late.

*** Hey, how’s that for a switch? Pa was wrong and I was right! *** he mused. ***Yeah, it was Pa who stopped me from gutting old Trenton several months ago.  Thanks a lot there, Pa!  You should’ve helped me instead of sending me to get “rest” there in that hospital.  I mean we were told, right?  Trenton’s henchman said what they had planned to do with me!  Yeah, Trenton’s old buddy there in Oregon in the prison system.  He was going to take me there and have me dumped into some God forsaken prison under an assumed name and no-one would ever be the wiser.  God, I hope I’m not in Oregon! *** Joe thought to himself.

Joe shook himself, not willing to admit to any sort of defeat no matter where he happened to be.

*** Think, Joe, think!  Now where was I and how long have I been here.  Oh – wait – I was in that bar right after Hoss had gone back to the hotel.  I just had to stay and have one more nightcap instead of going back to the room like Hoss did.  Now – I don’t remember being hit on the head, so how is it that I have no idea how I got here – wherever “here” is?  Well, it’s a prison, I figured that out by the guests across from me and the smell and all.  Wait, that bum who knocked into me with his drink! Yeah, he apologized and then insisted that I have a shot from his bottle.  Great move there, Joe!  It must’ve been spiked with something.  Lord I’m stupid!  You’d think that as many times as I’ve been captured and tortured, I’d have learned not to trust anyone?  But no, I go and accept a drink from a stranger’s bottle!  Anyway, I guess Hoss went back to the hotel and I remember that I told him I’d return in thirty minutes.  So, Pa would’ve been real patient and waited thirty-one minutes and then gone after me to yell and scream telling me how I need to be more considerate of other’s feelings or something like that.  That means that Pa and Hoss will be searching all over for me.  All I’ve got to do is stay alive – oh –that is, alive and well of course – until they find me.  I know Pa won’t rest until he’s got me in his arms and gets the chance to yell at me good!  And Big Brother Hoss will tear that old town apart trying to find me.  Adam’s no help since he’s back at the ranch.  Now – how long have I been here? ***

Joe took another look around the room and then felt his new prison uniform and checked his body over good.  Neither seemed too battered yet.  *** Well, nobody’s got to me yet thank the good Lord, as I wasn’t in any condition to say no to a new bunkmate last night.  So, I guess I haven’t been here for very long.  Gee it’s too bad I left my journal at home.  I wonder if they’ll let me leave for a bit so I can go and get it? *** He had to find some humor in the situation because to fall into despair at that point would’ve meant a death sentence and he knew it.  But there was something far worse than death and that was for an inmate to try to “console” him in a very unappealing and all too familiar way.  Just like the Dalton brothers had done to him for three straight months earlier in the year.

*** No, that’s not happening to me – not ever again! *** Joe swore to himself.

*** I’ll reign but not serve in this hell and if they even try to take me, I’ll get as many of them as I can before they can kill me!  You only die once but you can get attacked over and over again and that was a far worse way to get killed than just a quick clean death.  No, I won’t be going down that road, not ever again!  Nobody is going to touch me unless they want to see what I learned from the Dalton brothers! ***

Joe slowly allowed his hand to drop down from his nose and mouth, his breathing becoming slow and even.  A scattering of men in their filthy tattered prison garb stared over at him.  Their lopsided grins and the lustful way their eyes glowed stabbed at Joe’s insides and he felt like ice water now was flowing in his veins, but he fought it away.  He would stay calm; he would stay alive too. ***Yeah, just come over here and try it. ***Joe thought to himself.  He smiled over at the men who began to whisper one to another while pointing over at the new, young, and good-looking cellmate.

*** Every man for himself and God for us all. *** Joe muttered as he pulled himself up from the filth of the prison floor. Now let’s see who is the most likely to come at me first, Joe cast a wary glance around the room.  He observed two men who were now also standing, and they both pointed directly at Joe. ***Here we go. *** Joe mused and relaxed his arms down at his sides.  I wonder if I should wink over at them?  Maybe they prefer inmates who play hard to get?  Maybe if I seem too eager, they’ll move on to somebody else? *** Joe drew in a deep breath as he sent the two prisoners over a broad smile.  *** I might as well get this thing going, no time like the present. *** Joe told himself as he witnessed both inmates heading directly over to him.  *** Someday Pa needs to explain to me why I was born with such devilishly handsome good looks.  It seems lately it’s all being wasted on the wrong types.  I wonder which one has called first dibs on me? *** Joe sighed and steadied himself for the first meet and greet of the day.  *** Come on, Joe, smile, that’s it, smile for the nice convicts! They aren’t going to try and kill you or hurt you in ANY way! *** Joe pretended not to have a care in the world at the time.  He imagined how Doctor Wallace would react to the two triggers who were coming his way.  It sure wasn’t a time to visualize a stream that was for sure.

The two cons approached what they presumed would be their next victim having gone after practically every man in the cell block at one time or the other.  Joe eyed them warily as they drew closer to him and stopped just shy of ten inches from where he stood and waited.

“You got a name, Boy?” The first man asked.  He was a brute of a man, over six foot four with eyes that looked much like a viper.

Joe shot a quick glance back and forth between the brute and the man to his right who, though he was shorter, almost his own height, looked equally menacing.

“Yeah, I’ve got a name,” Joe nodded, still wearing the same smile he had put on prior to the arrival of the welcoming committee.

The brute sized the new con up and down and replied, “I asked you what your name was, Boy.”

Joe shook his head and returned, “No, actually you asked if I had a name.  You never asked what it was.”

The shorter man jumped in, “So, let’s get to it, what’s your name?”

“Who wants to know?  I mean, we’ve not been properly introduced,” Joe countered calmly.

The two men smirked, seeing that the young man was really spoiling for a fight.  But they had something else in mind at the time.

“My name’s Burl,” the larger con said.

“Barrel?” Joe responded with a grin.  “You mean like a keg?”

“B u r l,” the con replied getting angrier.

“Oh—sorry,” Joe nodded his understanding.

“I’m Kevin,” The shorter one called to Joe.

“You kind of look like a Kevin,” Joe grinned.

“So, what’s the name, Boy?” Burl asked once more, agitation in his tone.

“I’m not sure,” Joe frowned.  He figured it would do no good to explain that most likely he had been placed in the prison under some assumed name.  Joe also knew that nobody there on the cell block would give one hoot over the fact that he was innocent of any crime, nor had he had any trial.

“Maybe I’ll just call you Boy,” Burl growled.

“Okay,” Joe nodded.

“What are you in for?” Kevin asked.

Joe drew in a deep breath and decided it might be best to get the situation under control by spewing out some outrageous lie.  He tried not to laugh when he remembered how Hoss had always told Pa that his little brother could stretch the truth so far that it split slap down the middle.

“I killed two men in a saloon,” Joe sighed.

Burl and Kevin shot each other confused glances.  The kid standing in front of them hardly appeared to be the violent type nor did he seem old enough to have done away with two men.

“How did you do it?” Burl questioned warily.

Joe shrugged his shoulders and wearily returned, “Oh I gutted them both with a broken whiskey bottle.”

“Why’d you kill them?”

“Because they called me “boy”,” Joe announced and smiled broadly, his eyes purposefully taking on a wild appearance.  It had helped that during his time in San Francisco he had witnessed first hand a few patients who were much worse off than he was and they usually wore that type of look in their own eyes.

The two men walked away briefly to confer with each other while Joe just stood in the same place as he watched the other cons checking him out.  A few minutes later they walked back to Joe.

“How come you didn’t get hung if you killed two men?” Burl asked suspiciously, not believing Joe’s story.

Joe drew closer to both men and whispered, “Don’t tell anyone – but they say I’m a bit touched – you know – as in crazy?  Yeah, so instead of the rope they put me in here.  That’s why I’ve no clue as to what my name is.  The doctors at the –well – the facility where they had kept me for a while had me on some medicine that sort of messed me up.”

Kevin and Burl looked back and forth at each other once more.

“Did your family have money and got you off from hanging by saying that you were crazy at the time?” Burl was still trying to process what was really going on with the kid standing there looking far too relaxed.  He figured Joe should be afraid of the menacing way that he had approached him earlier.

“Oh – no that’s not it,” Joe returned shaking his head.  He whispered, “In fact, I don’t have any family anymore –well not since I killed my father.”

Burl raised his eyebrows in disbelief.  “You killed your own father?  How?”

Joe shrugged his shoulders once more and replied, “Oh I gutted him with a whiskey bottle.”

The two cons exchanged perplexed looks and then it was Kevin’s turn to ask a question.

“Why in the hell would you do that to your own father?”

Joe moved a little closer to both men, and this time they stepped back just a bit.  “Because he put his hand on my shoulder.  I told him and I told him never to touch me, but he just wouldn’t listen.”

“You mean he was gonna hit you?” Burl continued.

Joe shook his head, “No, I think he wanted to give me a hug actually.   But I don’t like to be touched.  So, I took the whiskey bottle sitting there on the dinner table and gave it a quick tap to break it and then I turned it on him.”

“Why didn’t you hang for that one?” Burl asked, now totally unsure if the kid was kidding or if it was true that he was positively insane.

“Because I was only ten at the time,” Joe groaned getting tired from all the questions.  “For some strange reason no judge can bring himself to hang a ten-year-old.  So – well that’s my story.  Oh, and you can call me whatever you like – but I’d prefer not to be called boy and it’s not a very good idea to sneak up on me because I go a bit crazy you know?  I mean I get the jitters sometimes and I don’t mean to flare off, but it just hits me.  Hey – you guys don’t know where I can get some liquor around here do you?  My throat has been dry since they dumped me in here late last night.  I sure could use some whiskey.”

Kevin gave Burl the eye and tilted his head as if to say, “let’s go back across the room”.

“We’ll see what we can do.  Talk to you later,” Burl answered and made his way back to where he and Kevin had been sitting earlier.

Joe watched the two men beating a hasty retreat.  He thought to himself how proud Doctor Wallace would be of how he had handled the situation.  He had confronted some very menacing “triggers” and had kept his wits about him.  And Joe had done it all without a journal to write in.  ***Okay, that might just keep those two away for a little while, but there’s at least twenty other guys looking at me right now like I’m next on the menu.  I’d better go back to my rat eaten blanket.  Speaking of rats – I wonder? *** Joe’s eyes shot around the edges of the cell block’s walls.  ***It won’t surprise me at all if I get a visit from one of my former little furry friends in this dump.  I’d prefer a rat for company than one of those guys across the room. *** Joe mused and retook his former position.

**************

Joe had been watched for better than an hour and he watched right back.  He had seen Burl and his friend Kevin and apparently, they were spreading the word about the new con and what he was in for doing.  Joe eased his rank and moth-eaten blanket up against the wall so he wouldn’t have his back exposed to whomever might be behind him knowing good and well it was a very important thing to do at the time.  He still had an awful headache due to whatever he had been drugged with the prior night.  The fact of the matter was that Joe had no clue if it had been the prior night because he had no idea which prison he was in at the time.  As far as that went, he could’ve been out for days and might be in a different territory or state.  Easing his head back against the hard rock laden wall Joe closed his eyes for just a few minutes.  He knew he wouldn’t be able to do that very often due to the circumstances.

“Hey—hey you,” Someone whispered as they came up close to Joe’s right side.

Joe instantly opened his eyes and quickly balled up his fists in preparation for battle.  There next to him sat a young man close to his own age.

“Yeah?  What do you want?” Joe asked quietly.  Just because the kid appeared to be in his early twenties like he was didn’t mean that it would be wise to let his guard down and Joe knew it.

“My name’s Cole – and I watched over you last night, so nobody saw you when the guards tossed you here next to me.”

Joe examined the other man thoroughly to see if he could spot a lie.  He appeared to be sincere, but then again it was prison and that didn’t exactly paint the picture of honest men.  Joe almost laughed when he thought on it.  He was an honest man, but he’d never had a trial either.
“Well—if that’s the pure truth – then I thank you, Cole,” Joe nodded to him.

“What’s your name?”

Joe chuckled softly and whispered, “To tell you the truth I’ve got no idea.  I’ve been put here by someone so no one will ever know what happened to me.  So, I haven’t a clue what the records might show.  I guess just call me Jim for now.  It’s not my Christian born name, but I’ve used it before and happen to know someone by that name, so I’ll use it for a bit.  So, Cole, I guess for right now you can consider me Jim Rivers.”

Cole looked a bit perplexed by what Joe had said but he scooted down next to him and replied, “They brought you in real late which was a good thing.  Nobody got a good look at you until after breakfast – or slop to be more precise.”

“I didn’t expect a restaurant.  Is any of the food edible?” Joe asked quietly.

Cole shook his head and grimaced at the thought.  “I swear sometimes that they’re cooking rats here, Jim.”

Joe’s face took on a very pained appearance over what the convict had just said.  He’d had a lot of experience with rats and had been forced to eat one, one who Joe had considered to be a friend in fact.

“Jim? You okay?”

“Sure,” Joe frowned.  “So as the saying goes, what are you in for, Cole?”

“Cattle rustling – that is if one mangy steer qualifies—but that’s what I’m serving my last year of three in this hell hole.”

Joe drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “Sorry but sounds like you’re almost out.”

Cole shook his head and frowned.  “I don’t know if I can make it, Jim.  I’ve not had more than two hours of sleep every single night. And that’s the way it’s been for the last two years.  At night is when they come after you especially if you’re asleep.  So, I just don’t sleep,” He confessed wearily.  “Trust me on this, you don’t want any of these cons to get a hold of you.  What they do – well –you don’t want to know — it’s awful!”

***Awful? *** Joe mused to himself, his mind going back to the Dalton brothers.  *** Cole, you don’t know the half of it!   I can tell you more about those kinds of things than you’d ever want to hear!  A prison – a cellar for three months – not much difference. ***

“Jim?  Jim, did you hear me?”

“Yeah, I heard you, Cole.  You ain’t got to spell it out to me.  Maybe I can help you get some sleep?  There’s another saying I’ve heard — you watch my back and I’ll watch yours.  So, if you want a friend then I’ll be one to you,” Joe offered.

Cole eyed Joe warily.  “Hey – I don’t – well –,” He stammered.

Joe finally caught what was on Cole’s face and it amused him.  “Naw not THAT kind of a friend, Cole.  In fact, I don’t want ANY of THOSE types of friends myself!  I’m particular like that.  Now if we were to take turns watching out for each other the two of us might just survive and maybe even get us some sleep.  But I will be expecting you to do a good job, okay?”

Cole started to reach over to shake Joe’s hand, but he waved it away.

“Best not reveal that we’ve struck up some kind of a fast friendship, Cole.  Just a nod is best in this place,” Joe suggested quietly.

“You got it.  Well, after we have supper – we get two meals a day breakfast which is awful –and supper which is usually worse— anyhow after supper it’s lights out and that’s when the messed-up stuff happens.  I hate the dark—bad things happen in the dark, Jim,” Cole offered, his voice filled with fear.

Joe closed his eyes and the irony of what the convict had said was not lost on him.  Joe remembered saying “bad things happen in the light” close to a million times back four or five months ago and now it was apparently being reversed to “bad things happen in the dark.”  He wondered how it was possible for one man to have so many bad things happen to him in one lifetime.  Joe drew in a deep breath and let it out very slowly.  *** Wait until I tell Pa this one, he won’t believe it! *** He mused to himself.

“Well, starting tonight I’ll help you get some sleep, Cole.  Now don’t stick around me for long because these cons watch everything.  I’ll meet back up with you after dark.”

Cole nodded and eased up from the floor walking away from his new friend.

****************

Supper was brought into the cell block and there were three armed guards there next to the meal cart.  One by one each convict lined up to receive a plate with some kind of indiscernible stew on it, a cup of water and one spoon.  Joe brought up the end of the line, just mulling about like he didn’t have a care in the world.

“Hello, we haven’t been introduced,” Joe grinned at one of the guards whose job it was to hand the meals out while the other guards held guns on the convicts.

“Shut up and take a plate!” The guard yelled.

“Not too neighborly.  Maybe you could both tell me your name and then tell me my name?” Joe continued.

“You want to spend some time in the hotbox?”

“What’s a hotbox?” Joe grinned.

“You keep talking foolishly and you’ll find out.  Now take your damn plate, cup and spoon and go sit down.  You have fifteen minutes and then you bring all three items right back here.  You got that?”

Joe frowned and rubbed at his chin as though he was deep in thought.  “Wait— let me make sure.  I have fifteen minutes to take this stuff and then what do you want me to do?”

The guard looked back at the other two men and shook his head.  “This kid is either just plain stupid or trying to rile me!”

One of the other guards stepped closer to Joe and using the butt of his rifle hit him squarely in the stomach.

“You need more instructions?” The guard asked, smiling down at Joe.

Slowly pulling himself to his feet Joe responded, “I think I understand.  But – nobody’s told me my name yet.  Could any of you help me with that one?”

The guard who had hit Joe pointed at his uniform and replied, “You’re number one zero four zero seven.  Can’t you read?”

Joe stared down at the numbers he wore on his chest and returned with a smile, “Oh, sorry, they’re upside down.”

“Get your food and go sit against the wall!”

Joe grabbed the plate, cup and spoon and moved over across the room.  Most of the other convicts had witnessed Joe’s behavior and at least Burl and Kevin were beginning to think he was, in fact, crazy.

***************

After Joe had choked down a little of the stew and drank the water, he had returned all the items and made his way back to where the blanket he had awakened on sat.  He moved it closer to the back wall and waited.  Just a few minutes after the meal wagon was rolled out of the cell block the call came for lights out and soon the entire room was cloaked in darkness.

***Stay in the darkness, you’ll be safe there*** Joe thought about another time and another horrendous imprisonment.  *** Now where the heck is Cole? *** He wondered.  If it wasn’t for the fact that he had spent three straight months in almost complete darkness Joe would’ve felt far more ill at ease than he was feeling at the time.  ***Thank God for small favors!  I guess my little stint there in Littleton in that cellar was training for all of this.  At least I can see the cons far better than they can see me. ***

“Jim, it’s me,” Cole whispered as he neared him.

“I was starting to wonder.  Okay move where I can at least hear you breathing, Cole,” Joe insisted.

Cole pulled his blanket next to his new friend and settled down onto it.  “Can you take the first watch?  I hardly got any sleep last night after they tossed you down next to me.”

“Yeah, I’ll take it for a while.  Go on to sleep.  I won’t wake you unless I have to.”

“Thanks,” Cole whispered and rested his head on his folded arms.

Joe leaned back against the wall of the cell block and listened out for a new set of “triggers”.  He waited on the sounds of convicts growing closer by training his ears on the clanking of chains rattling.  If anyone came close, Joe knew what he’d do about it.  His mind flashed back to that dank dark cellar which had been his prison for three straight months earlier in the year.  Back then his wrists had been bound tightly together and Joe had no chance of fending off the advances of the two sadistic Dalton brothers.  Joe remembered how he had felt safe in the darkness because none of the torture which they had inflicted on him had been done in the cellar but instead was thrust upon him in the light of the cabin above.  Now he had to contend with murderers, thieves and God knows what kinds of men who were able to creep around in the darkness.  *** It’s been one hell of a year! *** Joe mused to himself.  *** I sure hope that Pa and Hoss are making some progress finding me here.  Darn, I meant to ask Cole where “here” is.  I’ll ask him later if I live that long. ***

The night had been peaceful for a while and Joe’s body was fighting off slumber so he could give Cole some badly needed rest.  He was just about to slip underneath the blanket of sleep when he heard the rattling of chains coming close to his left side.  *** Just great *** Joe muttered to himself.

“Hey, Kid,” Came the quiet voice just off to his left side.

“You talking to me?” Joe replied, slowly easing the chains hanging from his wrist into a ball.

“Yeah, how about coming over across the room here so you and I can talk?”

“Gee I would, but it’s just too late and I need my beauty sleep,” Joe quipped.

“You want me to drag you?” The man called out angrily.

Cole heard the commotion and pulled himself to seated.  “Jim?  Jim, are you okay?”

Joe turned and looked down at Cole and replied, “Sure I am.  Just wait for me.  This nice man here and I are going across the room to have a little talk.  I’ll be back soon,” Joe announced calmly and pulled himself to standing.

“Don’t go with him, Jim!” Cole warned.

“It’s okay.  He just wants to talk, right?” Joe asked and tried to squint enough to see the large figure standing next to him.

“Yeah sure,” The other man replied sarcastically.

“Kinda help me across the room will you?” Joe asked innocently.  “My eyes aren’t accustomed to all this darkness.  *** Little does he know I can see better in the darkness than I can in the light! *** Joe grinned.

The convict grabbed Joe’s elbow and began pulling him across the room.  It was at that moment that the loud noise rang out.  Joe had slung the chains which had hung down between his two wrists and caught the other man squarely between his legs.  The convict screamed out in pain and fell to the floor.  Joe knelt onto the convicts back and then wrapped his chains around his neck.

“Do you want me to show you how tight I can pull this chain?” Joe asked the man lying prone on the ground.  His thoughts went back to the way that the Dalton brothers had almost hung him with a rope.  Joe figured that it was a good way to get the con’s attention.

“NO —no don’t!” He begged as he felt the chain growing tighter and still reeling from the pain in his groin from where he had caught the first blow.

“Okay, then I’ll expect you to stay over on your side of this cell block and leave me alone.  Now, do you agree to my terms?” Joe continued, never letting go of the chain.

“Yeah— yeah I agree.”

“You SURE you’re not going to go back on your word about it?”

“I’m sure – I’m sure!  Now – please – please let up on that chain I can’t hardly breathe.”

Joe eased back off his knees and pulled his chain off the other man’s neck.  “Don’t make me tell you again.  I never give second chances, it’s not in my nature.  Just ask my father –well – no you can’t. I killed him.  But if he was alive, he’d tell you I don’t give second chances!”

“You won’t have to tell me again, I won’t mess with you,” The man insisted.

“Okay then.  Go to your side of the room,” Joe insisted and waited until the man did as he had been told.  He then moved back next to Cole.

“Jim – I just can’t believe you got him to leave you alone!  That’s Garth, and he’s gotten to almost every new convict in this joint at one time or the other!” Cole exclaimed, very amazed by what had happened.

Joe leaned back against the wall and attempted to catch his breath. “You’ve just got to know how to talk to people, Cole,” He quipped.  “Now, how about you watch out for me a bit so I can get a couple of hours?”

“Sure, Jim, sure,” Cole nodded and sat alongside the other man.

***************

Cole had stayed vigilant the entire time that he had watched Jim who was sound asleep with his head resting up against the wall.  Just before dawn he was alerted by the sound of footsteps and could just barely make out the form of both Garth and another con as they stealthily approached.

“Jim – Jim!” Cole whispered and shook the other man’s arm.

“Yeah?” Joe responded sleepily.

“Heads up, we’re about to have visitors.”

Joe pulled himself to a squatting position and listened for the noise of chains coming closer.  “Cole, this might get ugly – you need to use your chains as best you can.  Whop them anywhere you can hit them – maybe see if you can go low – if you get my drift.”

“Yeah,” Cole nodded.

“We’ve come for the new guy,” Garth called down to Cole.  “If you want us to come after you, Cole, we’ll take you too.  If not, then just stay out of it.”

“Oh – Garth, is it?” Joe piped up.  “Now you’re not going against your promise to me, are you?”

“Grab that smart mouthed kid, Jed,” Garth called over to his partner.

Joe felt arms pulling him up from the floor and locking him tightly around his chest.

“Just wait a second, will you?” Joe sang out.

“No, you’ve got this coming!” Garth sneered.

“I ain’t gonna fight neither of you this time,” Joe insisted.  “But I’m not going to have myself taken in front of any of these other cons.  Just take me across the room so we can have a little privacy.  This ain’t my first time, I know how it’s done.”

Garth stared at his friend and then looked warily at his intended victim.  “You think you’re gonna get me with those chains again, Kid?”

Joe shook his head and sighed.  “I know when I’m beat, and I’d rather just get this over with.  All I ask is for you to take me somewhere in the back of the room so it’s just the two of us.  Then if you’re friend here wants a turn – I’ll give him the same.”

“No tricks?” Garth asked, still wary.

“Look,” Joe stopped and held up his hands.  “I’ll keep my chains up; I just don’t want to get beaten up because I know that I don’t stand a chance in hell of getting out of this – not with the both of you teaming up.”

Garth grabbed Joe by the elbows and looked over at his friend.  “Jed, you keep an eye out.  If you see this kid trying anything join me back there and we’ll beat him into a pulp before we do anything else to him.”

Jed nodded as he watched Garth dragging Joe off to the back of the cell block.

“Jim!” Cole called to the departing figure.

Joe turned his head around to cast a parting glance at Cole.  “Sometimes you’ve just got to face the music, Cole.”

***************

Garth and his intended victim reached the far back of the prison cell block where he harshly pushed Joe up against the wall.

“So, you know what you need to do now, right?”

“Yeah – I guess I need to turn around – that’s how I’ve always done it before,” Joe returned sullenly.

“Go ahead,” Garth nodded.

Joe slowly faced the wall as the prisoner drew closer to him and placed a strong hand against his shoulder.

It was at that minute that Joe was able to fall straight down to the floor and slung his chains across Garth’s ankles.  The big man fell down onto the hard floor, screaming as he landed.  It was then that Joe went a bit berserk.  He began to strike the convict repeatedly with his chains.  The man’s friend Jed was quickly across the room and headed directly for Joe.  He pushed him up against the wall and began to pummel him with his fists.  Joe’s nose took the brunt of the first hit and blood seeped down his face. Then he took a couple of punches to his eyebrow and cheek, splitting that open too.  Next the convict pulled his hair and shoved his face roughly against the stone wall.  When he thought he had gotten Joe subdued, Jed slung his chains across his back causing his intended victim to cry out.  Just as he prepared to push Joe up against the wall and press his body close to him, a chain came out of nowhere and hit Jed between his legs.  Joe’s body slipped down onto the floor and then he witnessed Cole slamming into Jed with all his might.  Through bloody eyes, Joe smiled to see his newfound friend tearing into the convict.  Finally, both Jed and Garth’s battered bodies lay in a heap on the floor.

“Good job, Cole.  And, may I add, just in the nick of time,” Joe grinned gratefully and accepted a hand up from the man.

“We make a pretty good team at that, Jim,” Cole nodded as the two of them eased across the room.

Daylight had afforded a pretty good view of most of the fight and there were quite a few eyes on what had happened.  Every convict who had plans for Joe decided they might need to readjust their approach after seeing what had been done to Garth and Jed.

“That was a close one, Jim,” Cole whispered as the two of them sat down on the floor.

Joe nodded, “Yeah, I thought I had them – but I was mistaken.  I owe you one.”

Cole grinned and replied, “Naw – you’d have done the same for me.  But now they all know that we’re friends, so we’d better keep an even sharper eye out.  This isn’t over, you know?  For every one Garth there’s at least a dozen more around here.”

Joe wiped the blood streaming out of his nose on his shirtsleeve.  “You know I could’ve gone all day without hearing that.”

Cole laughed and nodded.  “You still did better than most who’ve come into the cell block.  And they didn’t take you so that’s the most important thing.”

“They’ll never take me,” Joe insisted.  “No matter what I have to do – it ain’t happening.  I just need to do a little better planning the next time.”

“You’d better mop up that blood on your face before thinking about your next fight.  That right eye of yours is going to be closed for a while.”

“I’ve had worse,” Joe sighed.  *** That’s the understatement of the year *** Joe thought to himself.

***************

Ben Cartwright was beside himself with worry.  Both he and his son Hoss had hit the ground running when they hadn’t been able to locate Joe three nights prior.  They had spoken to the bartender who had been of little help.  He recalled that Joe had ordered his third beer and after he had paid for it, he hadn’t seen him again.  The bartender insisted that the bar had been unusually busy for a Tuesday night, and he hadn’t paid much attention to anyone who had been seated at the many tables.  He had told them that he was far too occupied with the customers who had gathered there at the bar to have seen Joe leave.

The next step had been to check the livery stable where the three Cartwrights had left their horses when they had gotten into town.  Cochise was in a stall right next to the other mounts.  Ben figured that Joe had to be somewhere close and he and Hoss had gone to the sheriff’s office in order to ask for a proper search of the entire town.

Sheriff Dan Conyers had obliged the two strangers, having recognized the name Cartwright and the large ranch called the Ponderosa though he’d never met them.  Along with his deputy, he had talked with all the locals, but no one had seen Joe Cartwright or knew anything about his whereabouts.   He had met back with both Ben and Hoss at the hotel and informed them of his search and that he’d do his best to keep looking for the young man.

“I got the wire back from Adam, Pa,” Hoss said as he walked into the hotel room.  He handed the piece of paper over to his father and sank down onto the sofa.

Ben frowned and shook his head.  “Adam says that Roy didn’t get anywhere with that attorney in Virginia City, the one who transferred the money to someone in Oregon after the Hilliard ranch was sold.  Seems Wilford Moxley says that the information about who received the money from the sale is confidential due to attorney client privilege.  Roy said we’d have to go through the courts to get that name and that would take weeks.”

“What are we gonna do, Pa?  It was three nights ago that Little Joe went missing now.  He hasn’t been seen by anyone and we’ve searched this darn town from top to bottom!”

Ben stood and paced the hotel room trying his best to brainstorm an idea that might help.  “It still upsets me–,” he paused and dropped back down onto the sofa.

“What?  I mean other than Little Joe still being missing?”

“Joseph— he somehow knew that something was wrong.  We all just assumed that he was acting peculiar due to all that he’d been through this year.  When I think back to him always being worried about the door being unlocked and carrying his gun around – even when he went to sleep in the camp on our way here – it’s my fault for not understanding what he was feeling inside.  I never took any of it seriously.  Now I blame myself.”

“C’mon, Pa!  You had no way of knowing that Joe would get taken.  None of us did.”

“Joseph knew that someone was out to get him, that’s why he was so jumpy all the time.  Now we have to figure out who took him and where he is.  After all that boy has gone through this year—all the awful pain and torment – I’m just so worried that he won’t survive another imprisonment of any kind,” Ben replied full of dread.

Hoss reached over and set his hand down onto his father’s arm trying to comfort him.  “Joe’s a whole lot tougher than any of us and you know it, Pa!  No matter who has him I’d bet my last dollar that he’s giving them a pure fit.  Now, what’s our next move?”

“Thanks, Son,” Ben nodded his appreciation over what the big man had said.  He needed to have hope so that he could go on with the search.  “Well, all I can think of right now is that somehow even though Trenton’s in prison maybe he put someone else up to seeking revenge on Joe for him? Maybe if we go to the Nevada Territorial Prison and try to talk with him, we might learn something?”

“But Pa – even if we go there well there’s no guarantee that he’ll talk.  He’d be incriminating himself; you know?  And who’s to say the warden will even let us talk to the little snake?”

Ben stood and walked over to the table next to the fireplace and pulled off a piece of paper.  He grabbed the pencil he had left there next to it and began writing.   Finally completing the telegram that he intended to send, he cast a look over at his son.

“I might just have a friend who will help us.  I’m going to send this wire right off now.  The Territorial Governor owes me a couple of favors due to those committees I chaired for him last year.  I’m going to ask him to help us get in to talk to the warden at that prison and we’ll see if that will work.  Let’s go,” he said and walked out of the room with Hoss at his side.

*****************

Joe lay on his dirty flimsy blanket on the prison floor.  He fought back a groan as he held his ribcage.  Joe had been in fights every single night since he was tossed into prison five days ago.  He reached into his mouth and pulled out a back molar which had been knocked loose the previous night.  ***Oh well that one’s been giving me fits ever since it came in when I was a kid.  It’s no great loss, I’m just lucky to have my front teeth after last night. *** He mused to himself though he was beginning to lose all hope.  Cole and he both had taken some bad beatings the last three nights, and he was unsure how long either one of them would be able to fend off several of the convicts who just kept coming back for more.  Joe knew that if he gave up, he was as good as dead.  Even if he survived what the inmates had in mind for him, he’d die on the inside.  Joe had promised himself that he’d never again get taken by any man and if he’d had a knife, he admitted to himself that he’d probably cut his own throat rather than let anyone abuse him the way that the Daltons had.  It was going to be dark again very soon and Joe dropped his head down on his arms and fought the strong desire to cry.  He was hurt, scared and angry, angrier than he’d ever been in his whole life.  That was saying something too, as after the horrors he’d lived through that year his anger was a daily thing that was kept from his family.  Joe couldn’t count the times he had punched a wall or a door, or anything just to relieve himself of the tempest in his soul over all that he had endured.  His family had thought that he was doing much better ever since he had returned from San Francisco and had spent time with Doctor Wallace.  Joe had never let on that he was still fuming over all that life had dealt to him.  When it got really bad, he went off by himself and hit anything he could get his hands on.  He hid the pain and the anger and even the gashes on his left hand from his family.  It was his only way of venting without having Pa or anyone else question his sanity.  Yes, there had been his journal and the image of the babbling brook that Doctor Wallace had put in his mind but neither had taken away the awful memories of the devilish Dalton brothers and what they had stolen from him.  They had done far more to him than to hurt his body and humiliate him, they had taken away his self-respect and it had never come back, not in all the months he had been home.

*** Where are you, Pa?  Why haven’t you figured out yet that I’m in the Nevada Territorial Prison?  Who else would’ve taken me and thrown me inside this hell?  You know Trenton is behind all of this.  I’m not going to last much longer – maybe a day maybe two.  If you want to see me again – alive that is – you’d better hurry up. *** Joe thought as he tried to push back the few tears which had drifted down and burnt the cuts there on his face.  ***God why me?  Why me again?  I just can’t do this anymore.  Please just let me die fighting and not as a victim again! *** Joe prayed.

“Jim?” Cole whispered as he crawled next to his friend.  He could tell that he was all played out.  “You okay?”

Joe lifted his head up off his arms and stared into the battered face of Cole.  “I’m sorry I ever showed up here, Cole.  You were much better off before I became a friend.  I’m – well – I’m sorry.”

Cole lay down next to his friend and patted his shoulder.  “Come on, Jim, before you got here, I was lucky to get two hours of sleep a night.   No matter what, at least I’ve gotten a lot more since you were thrown in here.  We’re both still alive and a lot of those cons look as bad as we do now,” Cole tried to cheer up the other man.

“You and I aren’t going to make it another night in here, Cole.  I know you’re pretty bad off and I’ve got some broken ribs not to mention this lovely face of mine.  I can’t see at all out of my right eye, oh, and now I’m shy a tooth too,” Joe replied groaning as he rolled onto his side.

“Well, we ain’t got no other choice than to fight, Jim.  We either do that or they’re all going to gang up on us.  I’d rather be dead than have that happen!”

Joe stared across the room and then looked down their side of the cell block.  “How many do you think in here are tired of getting taken by those filthy bastards?”

Cole shrugged his shoulders and returned, “I don’t know, Jim.  Most of them are just glad that the worst of the lot have been attacking you and me here lately.  That means that they’re leaving them alone.”

Joe sucked in a deep breath and pulled from the last bit of internal fortitude that he possessed. He drew himself first to his knees and then stood.

“Hey!” Joe shouted and turned to stare over at the convicts who lined up against the same wall where he and Cole spent most nights.  “Yeah – that’s right I’m talking to you!”

Several inmates cast a look up at the battered young man screaming over at them.

“Yeah, we’re the two taking the worst of the beatings around here – but just wait until they kill us off – who do you think those bastards are going to go after then? Yeah—you!” Joe pointed over at the men on his side of the room.  Some of them simply looked down at the floor and some turned in the other direction.  But some stared over at Joe.  “And you men over there!” Joe shouted again and pointed across the room.  “That’s right – those men are your buddies aren’t they?  But what did you have to do to get that privilege?  Was it worth it?  Did you really want to lie down and just take it?  And what’s to keep them from coming back at you once the two of us are out of the picture?”

Only about four inmates across the room seemed to listen to what Joe was saying to them. But that was four more than Joe had expected.

“Shut the hell up!” Garth yelled across the room.  “After tonight you won’t be saying anything but thank you!”

“If any of you are man enough to step over here and stop being taken by scum like him then join up with Cole and me.  Isn’t it better to die like a man than to lay down like a victim?  Come on over here and let’s see how many of us there are!”

Several convicts sitting against the wall not far from Joe and Cole drew themselves to standing and walked over to them.

Joe smiled as he counted the four men.  He figured four were better than none and he welcomed them over to where Cole and he stood.

“Anyone else want to act like a man?” Joe yelled across the room.  “Or do they have you beat already, and you’ll just wait for them to get through with us?  Because I can promise you, they’re not done with any of you.  We are just the distraction for now.  They haven’t had us, but they’ve gotten to you, so they know a sure thing when they see it.”

Finally, after a couple of minutes, three men walked across the room and stood next to Joe, Cole, and the four other convicts.  Joe grinned.

“Okay, now it’s a team,” Joe nodded.  “So, the nine of us will be here waiting whenever any of you want to make your move.  You might get a few of us – and I mean “might” because with us standing together I don’t think that any of you monsters stand a chance in hell.  But if you want us – well—you know where to find us!”

Joe and Cole shook hands and introduced themselves to the seven inmates and then all nine of them leaned up against their wall and waited.

*** Thank God, *** Joe thought to himself.  ***Now we have a chance – and that’s all I ever asked for. *** He settled back against the wall and listened.  He heard it loud and clear; it was the sound of surviving.  Joe closed his eyes, and the words just came to him, and he let them repeat over and over again in his brain until he believed in them.  ***This is the sound of surviving, this is my farewell to fear.  This is my whole heart deciding I’m still here, I’m still here.  And I’m not done fighting, this is the sound of surviving. *** “I’m still here,” Joe whispered to himself and listened to Cole sleeping peacefully next to him.

***************

Ben and Hoss had left for Carson City immediately after they had sent the telegram to the territorial governor, James Warren Nye, and advised him on what was going on with Joseph and what help they needed from him.  They had to leave Cochise behind as they needed to ride hard in order to reach the prison in three days.  Ben had paid someone who worked for the Granite Pointe livery stable to take Joe’s horse back to the Ponderosa, unwilling to leave Cochise where it might not receive the care it was used to.  He prayed that before long the horse would be home and reunited with its master.  Most importantly was to get to the territorial prison and hopefully, with the governor’s assistance, interrogate Trenton Hilliard so they could find out where Joe was being held.  Ben prayed that they would get to his son in time as there was no way to know if Trenton had paid someone to kill Joseph or if he was being held in captivity somewhere.  The ride from Granite Pointe to Carson City was a long one and somehow the two men would have to put in better than thirty miles a day to get to their destination in just three days.  Ben and Hoss agreed that they’d ride both day and night and only take short breaks, not even taking the time to set up a camp.  Joe’s life depended on every move they made, and they had already wasted three days.  Spurring their mounts the two Cartwrights hurried to get to the prison and hopefully have word waiting there from Governor Nye.

****************

“Jim?” Cole whispered to the slumbering man next to him on the floor.  “Hey, Jim, wake up.”

Joe blinked his eyes hard and turned his head towards the voice of his friend.  “What is it, Cole?  Are they moving in on us?”

“No – it’s been quiet for the third straight night.  But – Jim – look down at your chest.”

Joe stared through the darkness and then noticed the pair of glowing red eyes.  ***Well, I’d be lying to myself if I said this was unexpected. *** Joe grinned down at the rat lying on his chest.  “Oh, he’s not hurting anything, Cole.” Joe replied.

“It’s a rat, Jim!” Cole exclaimed, wondering if his friend was half asleep at the time and didn’t realize what was on top of him.

“I know it’s a rat, Cole,” Joe sighed.  “He isn’t bothering me, in fact he’s nice and warm.  He’s better than a blanket actually,” Joe smiled over at Cole and could just barely make out the grimace on the other man’s face.

“You mean you don’t hate rats?” he asked totally bewildered.

“They’re nicer and cleaner than ninety-nine per cent of the people in this prison – present company excluded.”

“That last fight must’ve messed up your head, Jim,” Cole insisted as he moved away a bit from his friend.

Joe laughed as he watched his friend’s face.  “No, Cole, my head has been messed up just about all year.  Having a fondness for rats is about the sanest thing that I do anymore.”

“Hey – Jim – Cole – we got trouble,” the voice next to Joe sang out.

Joe pulled himself up slowly not wanting to hurt the rat.  It eventually scurried away, and Joe stared over towards the inmate to his left.  He had been introduced as Tim three days ago and he had helped Joe and Cole keep watch at nights.

“What’s up?” Joe asked.

“I heard a group of cons across the room, and they sounded like they were planning on doing something.  Better wake up the other men.”

“You try to get the attention of all of those on your side and Cole will get them on his side,” Joe whispered.

One by one each convict who had joined forces with Joe and Cole were awakened.  Joe eased over past Tim to a man who had been introduced to him as Hawk days ago.  Hawk was part Apache, and he was called by that name as he had ears and the instincts of a hawk.

“Hawk— could you tell how many are talking over there?” Joe asked as he eased down alongside the man.

Hawk nodded over at Joe.  “This and this many,” he replied holding up ten fingers two times.

“Great twenty to nine,” Joe muttered and sighed.  “You feel up to this?” Joe had to ask as the man was in his late fifties or early sixties by the look of him.

“Kill or be killed no matter.  Not want to live in four walls and if live I spend this many,” He paused again and signified that he would be serving thirty years in prison.

Joe grinned and patted the man’s shoulder.  “I get it – I don’t want to live ANY years in here so I’m with you, Hawk.  Let’s get up on our feet.”

Soon Joe’s crew were all standing side by side and they could each hear the loudness of chains approaching.

“Hey, Cole?” Joe whispered to his friend who was standing just to his left.

“Yeah, Jim?”

“Listen—just in case this is my last fight, and I don’t make it, but you do—my name is Joe Cartwright.  If any of my kin show up after I’m dead tell them – well tell them that I fought the good fight, okay?  Oh, and let them know that none of these men got to me, will you?”

“Nice to meet you, Joe,” Cole grinned.  “But you can tell them yourself because you and me are gonna get through this somehow.  But –well just in case I don’t make it – well let my Pa know that I’m sorry for stealing that stinking calf and I really wanted to make it home.  He’ll understand.”

“If I get out of this, I’ll get you home to your Pa, I promise -and I’ll throw in a mangy steer too,” Joe laughed and then turned when he saw the glint of chains coming at his face.  “Okay, men hit them with all that you’ve got!” Joe shouted as a mass of convicts circled around the nine men.

The fight that had ensued was both vicious and loud.  Both Joe and Cole had gotten struck first and as they fell to the floor the other seven men in their party attacked all of those who had fallen the two men.  Joe felt chains hit his face and he tried to cover himself with his arms to try to fend off the strong blows.  He heard Cole cry out and it revived his spirit.  Joe flailed out his chains and struck all of those gathered around his friend.  The other seven men went right to work on the men who were still trying their best to hurt Joe and Cole.  The sounds of chains and loud moans filled the cell block.  After what seemed like days to Joe the sound of the cell block door being opened sent the evil attackers back across to the other side of the room.  Eight prison guards came inside the room, and they all swung sticks at every single convict in the room including Joe and Cole.  The two men painfully crawled over to the wall where they had started from earlier.  Joe stared over at the seven men who had given it their all to help and he smiled and nodded their way.  “Thanks,” Joe called across to his new friends and in return one of the guards hit Joe across his back.

Joe watched as Hawk stood apparently ready to go after the guard who had struck him.   “No, Hawk –it ain’t worth it, go sit down,” Joe moaned and waved over at the Indian.  Begrudgingly Hawk retook his place up against the wall.

“I don’t give a rat’s ass who started this fight but you cons better keep your mouths shut!  You’re all losing your morning rations!” The head guard yelled loudly.

Joe turned facing the wall and whispered to Cole, “It doesn’t get any better than that!”

Cole tried his best to stifle a laugh as a guard was looking straight at Joe.

“Funny mouth, huh?” The guard said and reached down and pulled Joe up by his chains.  “You got something to say to the rest of the class, Boy?”

Joe nodded and stared through his only good eye at as many convicts both good and bad as he could and said, “The fight was worth it, so we don’t have to eat any of that slop this morning – oh and you’d better not call me boy.  It’s not wise just ask my father – oh wait you can’t – I killed him.”

The convicts, both good and evil, laughed loudly over what Joe had said.  The guard was furious and hit Joe on the back of the head and he fell to the floor unconscious.

Once all the guards had left the room, Cole and several of his new friends dragged Joe back across the room to care for his injuries.

“Your friend here is crazy,” Tim whispered as he helped Cole rip up some bedding to tend Joe’s many wounds.

“Well yeah,” Cole nodded, “But he’s a good person so we’ll overlook that one little flaw.”

“Not crazy— brave – very brave,” Hawk nodded insistently staring down at Joe with great admiration.

************

Ben and Hoss arrived in Carson City just shy of three days after they had left Granite Pointe.  The two men hurried into the office of the territorial governor.  Ben stared around the room at three men who were huddled around a desk in the corner of one of the legislation rooms pouring over papers.

“Excuse me,” Ben urgently called across the room.

“Can I help you?” one of the men asked as he approached the two men.

“Governor Nye is aware of my need for help.  I’m Ben Cartwright and I sent him a wire three days ago from Granite Pointe and my son Hoss and I have ridden nonstop to get here.”

The man in the formal attire nodded and replied, “Yes, Mister Cartwright, Governor Nye told me that as soon as you arrived that I was supposed to do everything that I could to assist you.  My name is Steven Hansford.”

Ben and Hoss reached over and shook the man’s hand.  “Then you’re aware of my son’s disappearance and our need to go and talk with the warden at the Territorial Prison?”

“Yes, we can go over there, and I can get you in to talk with him.”

“Do you know the man?” Hoss asked.

Steven shook his head and answered, “No – I knew the previous warden well but not this one.”

Ben raised his eyebrows and returned, “How long has the new warden been at the prison?”

“Only about six or seven weeks, Mister Cartwright.”

Ben exchanged a suspicious glance at his son and then turned back to the assistant who was going to try and help them in their quest.

“What happened to the other warden?” Hoss jumped in.

“He had an accident – fell from his horse from what we could figure out.  He wasn’t found for days.  It was too bad; he was an excellent warden and kept the place running smoothly.

“Where did this new warden come from?” Ben asked but he already had his suspicions.

“I heard that he worked in the prison system in Oregon.  He came highly recommended, and we needed to hire someone quickly.  I only met him the day he was sworn in.”

Ben’s heart raced wondering if there was any way that the new warden just happened to be Trenton Hilliard’s friend.  He knew that Trenton’s original plan was to have Joseph thrown into a prison somewhere in Oregon under an assumed name and no-one would’ve ever found him.

“Our sheriff in Virginia City received confirmation from that warden that a man who had kidnapped my son Joseph and myself was still locked up and was serving the five year sentence the judge gave him.  I want to make sure that Hilliard is still locked up!”

“There’s no time like the present, Mister Cartwright.  My surrey is out front, the three of us can go talk to the warden right now and make sure that Mister Hilliard is still there.  Come along,” Steven said and grabbed his hat.

Ben and Hoss hurried out the door along with the governor’s assistant.  Ben prayed that Trenton was still being housed at the prison or there was no way they could find out any information on what had happened to Joe.

***************

Joe slowly began to stir on the blanket that had been placed between both Cole and Tim as they had watched over him for hours.  He had been knocked out cold by the guard earlier and had lay unconscious the entire time.

*** Thorne – you ready for the kid?  Why don’t you go and bring him up?  Sure thing, Silas, it’s time we had some fun with him. *** Joe heard the voices of the Dalton brothers, and his body began to shake.  *** What’s the matter, Joe?  Don’t you want to have a good time with us? *** Silas laughed loudly.  Joe flinched his face and moved his head to the side trying to get away from the specters who had invaded his dreams.

*** No! No more! *** Joe thought to himself as he eased little by little back into consciousness.  *** I’m still here.  Say it to the ache, lying there awake.  Say it to your tears, I’m still here.  Say it to the pain, say it to the rain.  Say it to your fear. *** The words sounded loudly inside his brain as his eyes fluttered open and he peered up at the faces of Cole and Tim.

“Joe?  Joe, you okay?” Cole asked as he watched his friend grimacing from the wound to his head.

Groaning as he pulled himself up to a seated position Joe answered, “I’m still here – I’m still here,” He replied as he rubbed at the back of his head.

Cole smiled and said, “Good thing you’ve got a hard head.  We were beginning to think you wouldn’t come back.

“No – I’m staying until someone figures out where I am,” Joe insisted and then looked over at Tim.  “Hey, thanks for helping Cole watch over me.”

Tim laughed, “It’s the least I could do after you helped us get our little team together.  The cons who attacked us look like they got it worse than we did last night.”

“You were talking to a couple of men when you were out, Joe,” Cole mentioned.  “Was it your family?  I caught the name of Thorne and Silas.”

What little color was left on Joe’s face drained away leaving him as white as a sheet.  “No—not family, Cole.  They are ghosts,” Joe muttered and tried to put the haunting memories out of his mind.

Cole and Tim cast surprised glances back and forth over what Joe had said.

“Have we had any visitors from across the room while I was out of it?” Joe asked as he continued to rub at the back of his head.

Cole shook his head and returned, “No— it’s been pretty quiet.  The inmates who tried to get us last night look like they got it pretty hard from the nine of us.  Maybe we might actually get some rest tonight.  The meal wagon will probably be in here in a couple of hours.”

Joe scooted back against the wall and fought the nausea from his head wound.  “Well, at least we didn’t have to try and choke down breakfast this morning.”

“You’d better lay off those guards, Kid, they’ve always been pretty quick to knock us cons with one of those sticks they carry,” Tim warned.

Joe nodded, “Yeah, I noticed.  I ain’t feeling too perky so I’ll keep my mouth shut and not try to rile then tonight.”

“How’s those ribs, Joe?” Cole asked as he noticed that Joe appeared to be breathing very hard.

Joe smiled and replied, “Oh they’re still broken — but I’ve got extra.  How did you do, Cole?”

“I think I lost a tooth but, just like you, it was a back molar.  Other than that, I’ve just got more bruises but I’m fine.”

Joe turned and looked up and down the wall that he was leaning up against.  “You boys doing okay?” Joe called down to all the other men who had teamed up with Cole and him.

“We’re all okay, right men?” Tim called down the line in both directions.  All seven men smiled and nodded.

“Well – thanks – all of you,” Joe nodded gratefully at the men.  “We might actually get some peace tonight while those idiots take time to recover some.”

“Sounds good, Joe,” Cole paused as he watched Joe’s hand come down from the back of his head and it had a good deal of blood on it.

“We don’t get medical attention in here unless somebody is half dead – but I can try to ask if you can go to the infirmary when they come in for dinner?”

Joe shook his head, “No, Cole – I’m good.  I’ve had some rest – well of sorts – so why not lay down a while and I’ll wake you for supper?”

“I won’t turn that offer down,” Cole smiled grateful for the chance to get some sleep.

“How about five of our little team here go and get some rest for an hour then we’ll change off with the other four?  Pass it down the line will you, Tim?”

“Sure,” The convict nodded and passed on the information to the men on both sides of him.  Soon five of the inmates were lying on their blankets sleeping and four others, including Joe sat upright against the wall watching whatever was going on in the cell block.

****************

Ben and Hoss entered the warden’s office behind Steven Hansford.  The warden sat at his desk and looked up at the only man he had met before.

“May I help you?” The warden asked.

Steven reached across the desk and shook the warden’s hand and replied, “Yes you can, Warden.  This is Ben Cartwright and his son Hoss.  I’ve been sent by Governor Nye to assist them.  Mister Cartwright, this is warden Charles Bishop.”

Ben nodded over at the man and eyed him closely wondering if he was involved with Trenton Hilliard. If not, it would’ve been a remarkable coincidence that he was from Oregon like the person who was supposedly going to throw his youngest into a prison and throw away the keys.

“We want to see one of your prisoners, Warden, a man named Trenton Hilliard.  He was sentenced for kidnapping both my son and myself.”

The warden shifted nervously in his chair, and both Ben and Hoss noticed the man’s uneasiness.

“Hilliard you say?  Not sure I recognize that name,” The warden replied.

“You sent word to Sheriff Coffee in Virginia City just two weeks ago that the man was still locked up,” Hoss began as he stepped closer to the desk.  “Sort of strange that you don’t recognize his name.”

The warden coughed into his hand and then looked back up at the three men.  “Oh—why yes, I do remember that now.  You see I’ve just been a warden here for a little under two months and I deal with so many convicts and their names – it can get to be a bit much,” He explained.

Steven stared over at the Cartwrights and nodded over to them that he was finding the warden’s behavior a bit odd.  He could read the slow burn on both Ben and Hoss Cartwright’s faces.

“Please go and have the prisoner brought up here right now,” Steven called down to the man.

“It’s almost time for the convicts to be fed. Perhaps tomorrow morning you three men can come by, and I’ll have the man ready to see you.”

Steven motioned to one of the two guards who had escorted them inside the office a few minutes prior.  He knew the man who was the longest serving guard in the prison.  On top of that Steven trusted him and had known him for years.

“Warren, how about getting us the records and then taking us to the cellblock where Trenton Hilliard is being housed?”

“Now wait just a minute!” The warden shouted and stood from his chair.  “I am the warden here and you don’t give the orders – I do!”

“Hey, Pa?  Does he seem a little too worked up about one convict to you or is it just me?” Hoss said to his father.

Ben nodded and drew in a deep breath.  “I think it’s time we go and see if Trenton is in this prison or not.  Mister Hansford, can you take us down to the cellblock or do you need the Governor’s approval?”

“I have his approval already, Mister Cartwright,” Steven smiled.  “Have you found where Hilliard is located, Warren?”

The guard had gone through several lists, and it seemed as though the name Hilliard was listed in all three of the cellblocks.  “This doesn’t make a lick of sense!  Why did you write the man’s name down in all of these, Warden?”

“I don’t have the foggiest idea what you’re talking about,” The warden responded warily.

“Do you have the keys to all of those cellblocks?” Steven asked the guard.

“Yes, Sir, I do,” He nodded.

“I need you to bring two guards in here quickly but only those you know and trust.  We need to make sure that the warden doesn’t go anywhere until we get this issue resolved.”

Warren hurried off to call in two trusted friends of his.  It had only taken him a few minutes to locate and bring them into the office.

“You men,” Steven started.  “I’m an assistant to the Territorial Governor and he’s put me in charge of investigating a claim by the Cartwrights here.  I need you to both keep your eyes on the warden.  I am appointing you by the authority vested in me by the governor to keep Warden Bishop in your custody.  You may use force if necessary to prevent him from leaving.”

“Yes, Sir,” Each of the guards said and stood on either side of the warden.

“Let’s go, Warren,” Steven sang out and soon with the guard leading the way he turned out of the room along with Ben and Hoss.

****************

There were three cellblocks in the Territorial Prison and the four men started with A block first.  The guard advised Ben and Hoss to keep a good hand on their sidearms to prevent any advance from the inmates.  They assured the man that they would.  Since the Cartwrights knew what Trenton looked like, one by one they walked along with the guard and Steven checking the faces that stared up at them.  They hadn’t had any luck in either A or B cellblocks and were starting to lose all hope that they would find Preston Hilliard anywhere inside the prison.

“Well, Gents, this is the last cellblock,” Warren said as he turned the lock and pushed his way inside.

Ben and Hoss walked down one side of the cellblock carefully studying every face looking up from the floor.

***************

Joe looked up from where he sat against the wall.  He had heard the door open to the cellblock and presumed it was the meal cart being wheeled in.  It was then that he spotted the ten-gallon hat on top of the giant of a man and a guard walking along with the man wearing the three-piece suit.  But most notably Joe spied the white-haired man walking alongside the other three men.  His breath leaving him as he slowly pulled himself up against the wall Joe no longer had to hide the tears that he’d kept at bay for more than a week.  *** Praise God! *** Joe thought to himself as he tried to get the words out but could not.  He wanted to scream out “Pa!” but he couldn’t.  Joe wished that he wasn’t in such bad shape, or he would have vaulted across the room.  He heard the words in his head again.  *** These pieces the ones that left me bleeding, intended for my pain became the gift you gave me.  I gathered those pieces into a mountain.  My freedom is in view, I’m stronger than I knew. *** Joe mopped at his eyes and tried to smile but he couldn’t just yet.  There were manacles on his wrists and ankles and many enemies across the room.  He just waited for Pa and Hoss to find him.  ***And this hill is not the one I die on.  I’m going to lift my eyes and I’m going to keep on climbing.  This is the sound of surviving, this is my farewell to fear.  This is my whole heart deciding, I’m still here.  And I’m not done fighting, this is the sound of surviving.  I’m still here. ***

Ben, Hoss, Steven, and the guard had only made it halfway around the room when suddenly the grieved father felt something deep inside his chest.  He had almost given up, presuming that Trenton was gone and so was his hope of finding where he had taken his son.  But the hair on the back of his neck stood up and not understanding why, he had turned and stared directly across the room where a very battered young man stood alone up against the stone wall of the cell.  *** Oh Joseph! *** He couldn’t get the words out, but he was yelling inside his heart and mind at that moment.

Joe watched as his father, a man in his fifties, raced across the crowded room like a twenty-year-old.  In less than thirty seconds he was there in front of him, and Joe fell into his arms sobbing with relief.

“Pa,” Was all that Joe could get out as he felt his father’s strong arms pulling him to his chest and holding on for dear life.

“Joseph— oh — Joseph!” Pa whispered as tears fell from his eyes.  He had given up on finding Trenton which meant he’d never know what had happened to his youngest and here he was holding the boy in his arms.

Hoss had turned suddenly at the very moment that his father had dashed off and caught the sight of his little brother.  He pushed tears away from his eyes as he hurried to his brother’s side.

“Dad burn it, Little Brother, you had us worried plum out of our minds!” Hoss called over to Joe and placed an arm around his shoulder as their father still held onto the boy.

“Thank God you two found me,” Joe whispered over to his brother.

“Is this your son?” Steven asked, and realized it had to be a very stupid question by the look of all three men.

“Yes – it’s my son,” Ben nodded still holding on to Joe.

“I’m glad for that – but I take it that Trenton Hilliard was never here, right?”

Joe nodded, “Not since I’ve been here better than a week.”

Ben finally pulled his son back and it was only then that he realized that the boy was a bloodied mess.  “Oh, Joseph!”

“It’s alright, Pa – I just need to get out of here,” Joe began but stopped when he looked down at Cole.  “Pa, this is Cole – the man who saved my life.  Cole this is my pa and my brother Hoss.”

Cole nodded up at the men and replied, “Your son is being modest – he’s the one who saved my life – and the lives of a lot of men in here.”

“Either way –I’m glad to meet you,” Ben called down to the man.

“Cole – I ain’t gonna forget my promise to you.  Just give me a few days to get fixed up and I’ll see what I can do.  In the meanwhile,” Joe paused and looked over at the other seven men and said, “You men now know how to stand and help each other so do it.  Don’t take anything from those men across the room.”

Ben and Hoss stared over at the inmates who Joe had just spoken to sitting against the wall behind Cole and they also shot a sharp look at the men who glared over at them from across the room.

“Goodbye for now,” Joe said and shook Cole’s hand and then nodded over at each of the other seven as he began to lean against his father for support in order to make it outside the cellblock.

“I’ve got you, Joseph,” Ben whispered as he helped his son across the room followed closely by Hoss, the guard and Steven.

***********

“Hey, you want to get these off of me?” Joe asked holding up the manacles on his wrists as he stopped just outside of the cellblock and watched the guard locking the door behind them.

The guard, hesitant at first, watched as Steven nodded over to him that it was okay.  Warren fished for the right key and soon had Joe’s wrists and ankles free.

“Little Brother—you look like you’re going to fall out.  How ‘bout you let me carry you?” Hoss asked full of concern.

“No, Hoss — I’ve got to do this part on my own.  You and Pa just walk on my sides in case I don’t make it,” Joe answered.

Ben shook his head at his son, wishing he would accept his brother’s offer and not act so independent as battered as he was at the time.  Joseph looked as though he couldn’t possibly stand up another minute let alone walk down the long corridor to the warden’s office.

“We’ve got you,” Ben sighed and placed an arm around his son’s waist.  Joe groaned from the touch.

“Got some busted ribs, Pa – maybe just hold onto my arm.”

Ben and Hoss each grabbed one of Joe’s arms and slowly inched down the long hall watching the whole while in case the boy collapsed.

Hoss looked over the top of Joe’s head at his pa.  He shook his head sadly indicating that his little brother must have gone through pure hell and just the implication of what had been done to him was almost too much to contemplate.

Ben nodded over at Hoss that he understood what was going through his mind.  All of that would have to wait until they got Joseph somewhere safe and had him doctored.  He had thought along the very same lines as his middle boy.  Joseph must have endured more than he would ever be able to tell them.

**************

The door to the warden’s office opened and in walked the four men and what appeared to be a convict.  The warden stood with fear very evident on his face.

“Sit down, Warden!” Steven warned as he approached the desk.

“What’s going on?” He demanded.

“He said sit down!” Hoss yelled and drew closer to the man, his hands balling up into fists.

The warden settled down into his chair after witnessing the look on each man’s face standing there in front of him.

“You set Trenton Hilliard free, now, didn’t you?” Ben demanded an answer to his question.

“No – no I didn’t!” He insisted.

“You let convicted men free and throw innocent men in your prison!” Hoss yelled.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“How about me?” Joe asked as he slowly made his way over to the desk glaring menacingly over at the warden.

“I – I don’t know who you are,” He responded.

“Oh, you know my name,” Joe paused and pulled his shirt out in front of him.  “I’m 10407, and you should know because you took my name away and gave me this number on my chest.”

“You must have been here before I came —I’ve only been on the job less than two months, and I had no way of knowing who each convict was.”

“Filthy liar!” Joe shouted and then began to cough.  He bent over trying to catch his breath as he held onto his ribcage.  The pain was becoming overwhelming.

“Joseph –,” Ben neared his son and could tell that they needed to get him to a doctor as quickly as possible.  “Do you have a doctor here?”

“No, Mister Cartwright,” Warren said.  “But we have an infirmary we can take your son to.”

“Pa – I’m not staying behind these walls,” Joe insisted turning his eyes on his father.

Ben could read fear all over his son’s face and he knew that Joe had been through enough at the prison and staying there was not an option. “We’ll get you to a doctor here in town, Son,” He replied softly.

“Warren, I want you to lock the warden up pending an investigation,” Steven said and waved all three of the guards closer.  “You’re going to know this prison very well, Warden, by the time the courts are through with you.”

“No — no please, I’ll tell you anything!” The warden pleaded.

“Hang him,” Hoss growled over at the evil man who had thrown his little brother in the cellblock.

“We’ll see how much he wants to cooperate, Hoss,” Steven said trying to calm the big man down.  “Maybe if he gives us the information that we need to find Trenton Hilliard we’ll see what we can do to lessen the enormous amount of prison time he would be getting.  Guards go lock him up and I’ll be back with the sheriff in just a little while.”

As the guards began to pull the warden out of the room Joe moved quickly next to the man.  He grabbed a fist full of his shirt and sneered at him.

“Where the hell is my jacket?” Joe shouted at the man.

“Over – over there in that cabinet,” The warden pointed across to where he had placed the boy’s clothes, fearing the look on Joe’s face.

Joe eased across the room and pulled the drawers open one by one.  He finally found his clothes and his boots.  He lifted his green corduroy jacket up and shook it out.  Joe smoothed the collar out and then nodded over at the other men.  “You can get rid of him now.”

Ben and Hoss exchanged confused glances with each other.  They couldn’t quite understand why Joe had been so anxious to get his clothes but then again, they hadn’t spent over a week in a prison cell.

Joe rummaged through his boots and pulled out his boot knife.  He placed it inside of his loose-fitting prison pants and looked over at his father.  “I need to get changed before we leave.”

“Here, I’ll show you the way to a room where you can get into your clothes,” Steven said and nodded over to Ben that he would watch out for his son.

“Pa?” Hoss whispered as Joe stepped into the next room.

“I know, Son.  He needed that knife after all he’d been through.  We’ve got to do our very best to understand that Joe’s suffered through over a week of unimaginable physical and emotional trauma.  We’ll take him to the hotel in Carson City and I’ll send for a doctor.  After he’s tended – well – I’ll try my best to help him.”

“But – well – after all that was done to him,” Hoss couldn’t continue as the thought of his brother being attacked by so many prisoners made him feel physically ill.

“I know, Son,” Ben responded grimly.  “I know.”

***************

Steven Hansford had assisted in getting Joe to his surrey and he shepherded all three men to the Emporium Hotel in Carson City.  He advised the men that he would be keeping in touch with them to let them know what happened with Charles Bishop and if the warden ended up providing them with the whereabouts of Trenton Hilliard.  Steven also let Ben know that he’d drop his and Hoss’ horses over at the local livery stable in order to take one chore off of their plates.  Ben and Hoss thanked the man and helped Joe into the hotel and up to the room.  The desk clerk had sent an employee to notify Doctor Mercer that he was needed over at the hotel.

**************

Ben and Hoss stood outside one of the two bedrooms in the suite they planned on staying in for several days or until Joe would be able to make it back home.  The doctor had been inside the room for more than and hour and both Ben and Hoss grew more worried as the minutes ticked by.  Finally, Doctor Mercer walked out of the bedroom and closed the door behind him.

“How’s my son?”

The doctor shook his head and frowned.  “He’s pretty badly injured, Mister Cartwright.  Joe has got two broken ribs on his right side and two cracked ribs there on his left.  He’s got a broken nose, and his right eye will be shut for quite a while I’m afraid.  Joe has a wound on the back of his head that’s left him with a mild concussion.  He’s got contusions and cuts on at least half of his body plus somehow; he got a tooth knocked out.  Joe’s going to need a good deal of time to heal.”

Ben stared over at Hoss, and he knew what he wanted to ask the doctor but couldn’t bring himself to utter the words.

“We are worried about the wounds that you couldn’t see, Doctor,” Ben stared into the man’s eyes trying to get his meaning across without saying exactly what their concern was at the time.

“I understand, Mister Cartwright,” the doctor nodded.  “I’ve had to tend quite a few men who had sustained some very bad injuries due to some of the ways that inmates in there behave towards other men especially young men like your son.  I wish I could offer you words that would ease your mind, but I can’t.  Naturally your son didn’t want to go into it with me, which is very common.  He did ask for a bath and though I wanted to bind his ribs he’s insistent on getting cleaned up before that’s done.”

Ben nodded; he had witnessed that very same behavior before with Joe once he had been returned from the cabin there in Littleton where he had been abused by the Dalton brothers.  “I can bind Joe’s ribs, Doctor, I’ve had a lot of practice.”

“That’s fine,” he said and removed the binding bandage from his black medical bag and handed it to Pa.  “I’ll stop by tomorrow and check on him.  Just keep him in bed and if he needs to let out some anger – well – just let him do it.”

“Thank you,” Ben called over to the doctor as he was walked to the door by Hoss.

“The desk clerk said they’ll be bringing up the hot water any minute, Pa,” Hoss said as he moved back over to his father.

Ben sat down on the sofa wearily.  “Fine, Hoss, maybe once Joseph can soak for a bit, he’ll feel at least a little better and then I can bind up those ribs of his.”

Hoss took a seat next to his father and sighed.  “When you gonna talk to him about –well – you know – about what happened to him?”

“After I get his ribs fixed up, I guess.  I’ll see if he’ll eat a little something for us after he’s had his bath too.  I’m sure he’s lost some weight after all he’s gone through in the last ten days.”

“I wish I could kill Trenton and that warden and – well, every single man who laid a finger on my little brother!” Hoss swore angrily.

Ben placed his hand onto his son’s arm attempting to calm him and returned, “I know, Hoss, I feel the exact same way.  That warden no doubt will lead the authorities to Trenton to save his own neck and if he had anything to do with the previous warden’s sudden accidental death then that means he’ll get the rope this time.  As for the warden — he’ll serve time for all of this.”

“But those men who hurt Joe inside that cellblock –nothing will be done to them for what they did to him.  It just ain’t fair, Pa!”

“We’ve got to give that one to God, Hoss.  It’s all out of our hands.  The main thing right now is to try and help your little brother through this.  I want you to go to the telegraph office just as soon as Joe’s bath is ready.  Wire Adam to let him know what happened and that we’ve got Joe back.  You don’t have to give him any particulars right now.  Just let him know that the boy will be coming back home just as soon as he can travel.”

“Okay, Pa,” Hoss sighed.  He sometimes wondered how Pa had any faith left inside of him after all that he had seen happen to Joe that year.

***************

Hoss had sent the wire to let Adam know that Joe had been found and that the three of them would be staying in Carson City until he was able to travel.  In the meantime, Joe soaked in a bath trying to rid himself of the awful smells of the prison.  He attempted to relax for the first time in ten days though his thoughts kept drifting back to all that he had endured.  Joe also thought about his friend Cole and had already decided that he’d talk to his father to see if his connections with the Territorial Governor might help to free him since his sentence was almost all served.

“Joseph?  Do you need help getting out of there?” Ben called through the bedroom door.

“No, Pa – I can do it.  I’ll be out in a minute.”

“I’ve got to get those ribs bound so don’t put your shirt on when you are out.”

“Okay, I’ll come out there,” Joe replied.

“No, Son, you just go spread out on that bed when you get out.  Call me when you’re ready,” Ben insisted.

Joe had to fight a smile over the way his Pa never missed an opportunity to tell him what to do and it was comforting to know that he could have a normal life unlike the men he had left behind the prison walls.

After drying off Joe pulled on his underclothes and his pants.  He left his socks and boots off, knowing very well that Pa wasn’t about to let him move around for a while and that was a good thing as every inch of his body hurt.

“I’m out, Pa,” Joe called, and his father must have been waiting right at the door as he was inside the room in about two seconds flat.

“Feel a bit better after your soak?” Pa asked, trying his best to avoid the obvious situation that they now found themselves in once again.  He thought on the way Hoss had asked him just a few minutes ago to tell his little brother that he was there for him if he needed him.  It was the big man’s attempt to show compassion for Joe and all he had endured.

“Yeah, it’s nice to feel clean again,” Joe nodded as he sat up on the bed.

Ben held the chest binding up in his hands and said, “Just ease down from there, Joe.  We need to get those ribs fixed up.”

Joe slowly pulled himself from the bed and readied for the tight bandages.

“Just lift those arms up a bit, you know this has to be really tight,” Ben said and watched as his son closed his eyes, he presumed so he’d not have to stare into those of his father.  Carefully Pa began to wrap the binding around his son’s torso and with each inch he noticed a cut, a bruise, or a scar.  He had to fight his tears over the horrible implications as to what those brutish convicts had done to his youngest.  It was far too frightful to think about.  ***Oh, Joseph. *** Ben thought to himself still fighting the strong urge to pull his boy into his arms and just hold onto him for dear life to protect him from the cruelty he had so often experienced in the outside world.  Pa didn’t know if he could get his son over this assault of mind, body, and spirit.  *** What am I supposed to say this time?  I can’t pretend that I’m not heartbroken over what those men did to you, Joseph.  How can I say the same words that I used when you were abused so badly this year by those evil sadistic Daltons?  How many men – how many got to you this time –how can I even ask you?  I see how hard you fought – only to have lost – and in front of all those evil men.  It had to destroy what little self-respect you had left after what the Daltons put you through in that cabin for months! *** Ben continued to fight his feelings as he tightened the chest wrap.  Joe’s devastation was etched all over his face – the once handsome face which now was burdened with a broken nose a closed right eye and a mass of cuts and bruises.  It made him physically sick to see how badly his son had fought and lost to the vicious attackers.  Pa was worried that, other than that brief moment there inside the cellblock earlier, Joe had barely uttered a sound or shed one solitary tear ever since he had gotten to the hotel.  *** God, please give me the words that will help ease my son’s grief.  Maybe words aren’t the answer?  Maybe I should just pull Joseph into my arms and not ever let him go?  He came too close to giving up earlier this year, I could so easily have lost him forever.  Joe had been plagued with nightmares for months once we got him home from Littleton.  And I’m well aware that he’s thought about taking his own life after what they put him through.  All I have left – all that I can offer Joseph is just my love. *** Ben waited until Joe’s eyes were off him to turn him around and tie off the bandage.  It had afforded Pa the chance to quickly brush aside his tears so Joseph wouldn’t see them.

“All done,” Ben whispered and stepped aside as Joe maneuvered his way back to the bed and attempted to ease down against the pillows propped up at the headboard.  He noticed the groan which had escaped the boy’s lips.  “Here, the doctor left you something for pain, Joseph,” Pa poured the powdered medication into the glass of water on the nightstand and handed it to his son.

“Thanks, Pa,” Joe nodded as he polished it off and handed the glass to his father.

Ben eased down alongside his son and settled a hand onto his left arm. “I’m here for you, Son.  And we will get through this.  I know—well – I can only imagine –after what those Daltons did to you –well – how you must be feeling about now.  No matter what, Joseph, it’s going to be alright somehow.  I’ll do everything in my power to help you –just like I did before.  I’m just so sorry,” Ben leaned forward and carefully hugged his son.  He was overwhelmed by the cruelty his boy had gone through and the thought of those prisoners ganging up on the much younger and good-looking son of his made his stomach tighten.  Pa understood that, just as in Littleton, Joe had been outnumbered and he needed to get the point across to his boy that there was no shame in fighting and losing.  At the very least Joseph had surely fought.

Joe stared up into his father’s eyes and said, “Oh, Pa – I just can’t tell you how I feel right now.”

Ben held his son in his compassionate embrace and eased him forward just a bit so he could softly stroke the boy’s curly hair.  All he could do was to hope and pray that he could provide comfort in the only way he knew how.

“It’s alright, Joseph, you don’t have to tell me — I know – I know that you’re as devastated as I am knowing what you’ve gone through at that prison with those evil convicts.  Just one look at you –well – you haven’t got anything to feel ashamed of –it’s very evident how hard you tried to stop those men from – from – oh Joseph!” Pa trailed off unable to choke out the awful words.  The implications were overwhelming to the grieved father, and he knew that Joe had to be hurting physically and emotionally.  Ben had a tough time trying to control the tears that were welling up in his eyes.  His boy hadn’t deserved any of the abuse he had been subjected to, not in prison, and not with the Dalton brothers.

Pulling himself back and staring with confusion at his father, he said, “Wait, Pa, — we’re not talking about the same thing.  Pa, I said it’s hard to tell you how I feel – but I will.  I’ll tell you exactly how it happened.”

Ben broke in as he clutched Joe’s arm with an intensity that Joe hadn’t felt from his father in months.  “Please don’t, Son – you don’t have to – don’t boy – I know what’s been done to you — I know.  It doesn’t matter to me exactly how it happened – or how many there were –or how many times – well– all that I care about is that you’re still alive.  And I also know that right now it’s hard to believe that you’ll ever recover from what’s been done to you again – but you will, Joseph – you will!  I said I’d help you – I’ll shoulder the burden until you can.  It’s like Doctor Wallace says – no matter what has been done to you – well – you can get through it.”

Joe shook his head and spoke out a bit more insistently, “No, Pa – you REALLY don’t know!”

“I know that you’ve had far too much cruelty, and your body has been punished in ways most people can’t even put into words.  Just the very thought of what was done to you by the Daltons — and that it’s happened again – well – Joseph –,”

Joe cut his father off, “No!  No, Pa!” Joe cried out as he pulled himself to standing almost knocking his father to the floor with his sudden move.

“You – well – you think that I was – that they–,”

This time Pa interrupted his son.  “I know, Joseph, I know.  It’s unfair that you had to be subjected to that kind of abuse yet again!”

Joe laughed and shook his head.  He wore the grandest smile that his father had ever seen before.

Ben could only presume that his son was trying to spare him the horrible un-Godly details over how he had been abused by the convicts or that he had somehow snapped under the weight of what he had endured for the third time in his life.  First there was the incident there at the ranch.  Then it was the God-awful cellar for three months, and now it was ten days inside of a prison.  He wondered if Doctor Wallace would be able to help his son through this.  He could only pray that the doctor could assist Joseph.  Obviously his youngest was acting with all that he had left inside so he wouldn’t have to face the harsh reality as to what had been done to him.

“Pa – hey Pa – I fought!” Joe exclaimed with an urgency to his words.

Ben stood there next to his son and clamped both hands onto Joe’s shoulders.  “I know you fought, Son.  You’ve got nothing you need to prove to me – you did the best that you could – there’s absolutely no shame in that – absolutely none.  Joseph, you were outnumbered no doubt –and well –there just wasn’t anything else you could do.  I can see how hard you tried to get away from those men just by looking at your face.  But, Son, it just wasn’t in your power to escape – not locked up in that prison cellblock.  Like I’ve said, there’s no shame in that.  I don’t want you to blame yourself – you fought bravely –and I’m proud of you for trying your best.  Some things in life are beyond our control.”

“No, Pa!  No!  No – no— no!” Joe hugged his father and even underneath the mass of cuts and bruises his smile shone through.  “Pa – I fought, and I WON this time!” He cried out exuberantly.

“W-what?” Ben stammered trying to read his son’s eyes to see if Joe had somehow snapped or that he was too embarrassed to confront the awful truth about what had happened to him at the prison.

Joe’s laughter filled the room.  “Pa, I WON!  And, for every convict who tried to force themselves on me there’s now a eunuch in his place!”

“So – you’re REALLY okay?  I mean beyond the broken bones, the concussion the cuts and bruises – you’re okay?  I mean – none of those prisoners actually – well – other than being beaten and bloodied you weren’t –,” Ben paused, unable to utter the correct terminology as to what he had presumed had happened to his son.

“Okay?  No, Pa, I’m not okay!  I’m GREAT, that’s what I am!  I’ve never felt SO GOOD in my whole life!  This was the best therapy I could’ve ever gotten.  Those convicts wanted me for the same purpose as the Dalton brothers wanted me for – but this time I fought.  I fought and I won, Pa!”

Joe was laughing and yet his eyes glistened with tears at the same time, swept up in his triumph but still reflecting on all that he had been subjected to earlier in the year.  “Pa – when something like the Daltons did to me happens to a man—well – it messes you up in here, you know?” Joe pointed to his head, his voice turning deadly serious as he stared pensively into his father’s eyes.  “All of the therapy – all the journal writing – all the trigger watching in the world can’t get you over it neither, Pa.  Doctor Wallace always told me to envision a babbling brook if things got out of control but there wasn’t any time for that – not when I was fighting for my life and my honor.  No, the doctor was wrong about how to heal myself it wasn’t by doing anything he said.  But, winning – fighting and winning — against those who wanted to hurt me and steal my self-respect was what I’ve needed all along.  You see Trenton wanted the worst thing to happen to me there in that prison.  He wanted to complete the job of ruining my life that his brother Preston began, and yet he did me the greatest favor of my life!  It’s helped me, Pa.  I now know that if I hadn’t had my wrists bound together and had someone with a carving knife standing up against me that I would have won back there in Littleton too.”

Ben sought out his son’s eyes and could read the sincerity in them and in all that he had related to him.  He pulled his son to his chest and hugged him tightly feeling so relieved to hear that his son had finally triumphed over evil.  After so many losses in the past year at last it looked as though Joseph was going to be okay.  He had regained his self-respect and it showed on his battered face.

“Well done, Son – very well done — I’m so proud of you!” Pa nodded his head as he smiled broadly with great pride showing all over his face.  ***That’s my boy! *** Ben thought to himself.

Joe grinned up at his father and replied wryly, “It was worth all of the beatings I took just to hear you say that – even though you just about broke another one of my ribs with that hug, Pa.”

“You get back in that bed, Young Man,” Ben commanded sternly, hiding his smile as he tried to disguise the relief that was spreading across his face.  “I’ve got something that I need to tell your brother and I’ll be right back.”

“Sure, Pa,” Joe nodded over to his father and grinned knowingly.  “And tell Hoss about me making eunuchs out of all of them too, will you?”

“I will, go lie back!” Pa chuckled and hurried into the other room to tell Hoss the best news he had heard in an entire year or more.

**************

Both Ben and Hoss walked into the bedroom a brief while later and stared down at Joe who was sound asleep.

Hoss headed across the room and settled one large hand down onto his little brother’s arm.  “I’m just so dad gum happy to know that you finally came out a winner and gave those inmates what for, Little Brother,” He whispered as he grinned proudly down at Little Joe.

Ben approached his middle boy and patted his back.  “It’s been such a rough year for your brother – but I’m so relieved to know that the boy still had enough gumption to fight with all that he had left in him.”

Hoss nodded and turned to smile over at his father.  “I told you that whoever got a hold of him would not be having a good day!” Hoss chuckled quietly, not wanting to awaken the boy in the bed.  “He took some beating there, Pa.  I almost didn’t recognize him.”

“I know, Hoss, when I bandaged him I saw how badly he got beaten.  From what little he told me I took it that he used the chains on his wrists to fend off his attackers and it looks like he got beaten the same way.  His whole body has cuts and bruises.  His face is going to take a while to return to normal. Once he’s feeling better, I’m sure Joseph will be telling us how he managed to take on a whole room full of convicts – and it’ll help him to get it all out,” Ben whispered as he reached down to the end of the bed and pulled the blanket up around Joe’s shoulders.  “He’s pretty played out.  I had hoped to get some grub into him but right now it looks like the boy needs rest more than food.”

“Well, Pa, that don’t mean you and I can’t go order room service.  We’ve been living on jerky for three days and I can tell you I’m about starved.”

Ben grinned knowingly over to his middle boy.  “Sounds good, let’s just let Joseph get some sleep.”

Hoss turned out of the bedroom with his father, and he clapped a hand onto Pa’s back.  “I know I’ll be bunking in the other room tonight.”

“Why is that?”

“Because you’d just keep me awake checking on the kid all night long,” Hoss teased.

Ben eased the bedroom door closed quietly and smiled over at his son.  “I guess you know me far too well, Son.  I’ll take the bed next to Joe’s for tonight.”

Hoss nodded and replied, “Now – let’s go order up that grub!”

Pa laughed and walked over to the sofa.  He was glad that he had taken extra money with him to buy the horses there in Granite Pointe, because, no doubt, Hoss would be eating his fill that night and the bill would be almost as much as the cost of the twelve horses.

**************

Epilogue:

Due to Joe’s condition the doctor had advised Ben that they needed to stay in Carson City for at least a week before making the long drive back to the Ponderosa.  It turned out to be good advice for several reasons.  First, Joe’s body needed rest and he needed to regain his strength.  Secondly, it had afforded the Cartwrights time to speak with Steven Hansford during the several visits he had made to see them.  Joe had described everything that he had gone through since being taken from that saloon in Granite Pointe and how it had happened.  He also spoke of the cruelty he had witnessed inside the prison both by inmates and several of the guards.  Joe had pleaded his case for the release of his friend Cole and hoped that the Governor might grant him a pardon.  Steven assured Joe he would speak to Governor Nye about the man’s release.  Thinking back to those inmates who had helped him, and Cole fight off the many inmates who came after them almost nightly, Joe asked if Steven could get each man’s record and ascertain if their sentences could be lessened.  It had been a bold request, but Joe felt that he had to try even if his request wouldn’t be accepted by the courts.  Joe explained to Steven that one of the men, the half Apache Hawk, had told him that his trial had been a farce and he had been forced under duress to sign a confession to the crime of arson and the theft of three horses.  He hoped that the bureau of Indian affairs could help in that matter, or the office of the Territorial Governor might at the very least review the court records.  Again, Steven agreed to take the matter up with the Governor and see if he could grant Joe’s many requests.

On his third visit to the hotel to speak to the Cartwrights, Steven had good news to deliver.  Trenton Hilliard had been caught along with two men who had conspired to kidnap Joe and those men had made a full confession.  They even provided the information on how the previous warden had been killed.  Trenton had paid those men from the funds he had received from the sale of his ranch and was directly responsible for the warden’s death.  The court date had already been set and all the men involved, including Charles Bishop, would soon be facing trial.  Steven had spoken to the local judge, and he had been told if the charges held up, that Trenton Hilliard would be facing the rope.  That information was a relief to all the Cartwrights as it would finally close out a very dark chapter in Joe’s life.

*************

A week after they had found Joe at the prison, Ben rented a buckboard from the livery stable, and the three Cartwrights headed back to the Ponderosa.  Joe was still in bad shape, but nothing that wouldn’t heal, or so said Doctor Mercer when he agreed that he could travel back to his home.

Eight days after leaving the Nevada Territorial Prison, Joe was back in his own bed.  Pa still hovered over his youngest after once again almost losing him for the third time that year.  Joe tried his best to be patient, but he longed to go back to his former life.  Doctor Paul Martin had examined Joe a few days after he arrived home and advised Ben to keep him in bed a little while longer, so his ribs had time to heal.  Joe didn’t object which let Ben know that the boy must be hurting very badly.

“It’s good to be downstairs after staying in my room for a whole week,” Joe smiled as he settled down on the settee.

“Just remember that you’ve still got to take it easy for a few more days, Joseph,” Ben reminded his son as he tucked some pillows under the boy’s head after making him lie back on the sofa.

“Yes, Sir,” Joe nodded obediently.

Ben shot Joe an amused look and replied, “You’re a lot easier to live with here lately.”

“I think he got hit in the head too many times in that prison, Pa, it made him a bit tamer.” Hoss laughed as he sat across from Joe on the coffee table.

“I like this version better,” Adam quipped as he sat down in the blue winged back chair.  “And I don’t care if he got hit in the head to change his behavior or not.”

“Very funny,” Joe sighed as he took the ribbing from both of his brothers.

Ben grinned to hear the normal banter from all three of his sons because it meant that the family was finally back to some normalcy.  It had been very long in coming after such a tough year.

“Hey, Pa?  Didn’t you say a letter came from Mister Hansford?” Joe asked hopeful that there would be some word about how Cole’s pardon was going.

“Yes, Joseph – let me go and get some coffee and I’ll tell you all about it,” Ben said and headed toward the kitchen.

“Hey, Joe — look over yonder!” Hoss whispered as he pointed towards their father.

Joe lifted his head and witnessed his father stopping in his tracks before he’d gotten out of the living room.  Ben had looked over at the front door and then made his way over there.  Pa pulled the slide bolt across the door frame and then turned for the kitchen.

“How long has that been going on?” Joe asked quietly.

“Ever since you three got home,” Adam announced.

Joe laughed and replied, “Maybe I need to have a stern talk with that young man?”

Hoss grinned over what his little brother said, and he patted his arm and returned, “Oh you know Pa will settle down – after you stop getting kidnapped all of the time, Little Brother.”

“I heard that!” Ben called across the room as he carried in a tray with coffee and cups on it.

“Your voice must carry, Hoss,” Joe smiled over at his brother.

Ben set the tray down on the coffee table and poured four cups and handed three over to his sons and then eased down in his chair with his.

“Now, I’ll tell you what Steven wrote – it’s good news,” Ben smiled over at Joe.

“Yeah?”

“Cole has been released, Joseph.  And Steven gave him the letter you wrote along with the money we all chipped in to get him back home and help him out some.  Steven said he left on the stage out of Carson City two days ago so he should be home about now.”

Joe’s eyes misted up and he drew in a deep breath.  The bond had been strong between him and Cole and it made him rest easier knowing that his friend would be getting more than just a couple of hours sleep from now on.

“That’s great news, Pa,” Joe replied after he had regained his composure. “Any other news?”

Ben nodded and this time looked over at each of his sons.   “Trenton Hilliard will be facing a trial next month and if it goes the way the judge thinks he will soon be joining his brother Preston in the hereafter.”

“Thank God,” Hoss remarked with satisfaction all over his face.

“Indeed,” Adam joined in.

Joe leaned back on the settee and took in the information.  “It’s almost over,” He whispered as his thoughts took him back to both brothers who had almost ruined his life.  Thinking back to the horror that he went through in the cabin in Littleton and the ten days in prison, Joe knew that he was lucky to be alive even though his world had been turned upside down.

Ben had noticed how quiet Joe had gotten along with the appearance of a few stray tears which were advancing down his cheeks.  He reached over and put his hand on his son’s arm.  “Are you alright, Joseph?” He whispered.

Joe drew in a deep breath and wiped away his tears.  “Sure I am, Pa.”

Hoss and Adam exchanged worried glances as they could tell that Joe was caught up in all the news their father had proffered.

Ben cleared his throat and said, “There’s a bit more news.  They’ve gone over your friend Hawk’s trial notes and found that he didn’t have proper counsel, and the evidence against him, according to the judge who looked over all the information, was very weak.  And if it turns out that his confession was done under duress, he has a good chance of getting out of those charges.  Governor Nye was able to go through the proper channels and now Hawk will be getting a new trial.”

“Thank God,” Joe said and nodded over at his father.  “That’s two – any news about the other inmates I told Mister Hansford about?”

“He said that they will go over their records and if it turns out they’ve stayed out of trouble during their incarceration their sentences may be shortened but it’s going to take a while to do it.”

“They’ll be alright as long as they stay together,” Joe answered and was hopeful that everyone who had stood with Cole and him would get released early.

“They’ve appointed Warren Miller, that guard who took us right to you, Joseph, as interim warden.  And Steven told him about those two guards who hit you over the head and knocked you down with the butt of that rifle.  They will, most likely, be fired.  I think at the very least things at that prison will be run a bit better now.  Son, I’m proud of you for all you’ve tried to do to help the ones who stood alongside of you.  And I’m proud that you were able to convince those men to stand together and fight.”

“Hey, Pa, don’t forget how Joe learned to throw a mean chain too!” Hoss laughed and patted his brother’s shoulder.

“Don’t, Hoss!” Adam exclaimed.  “If you bring up the chain story the kid will go into it all again.  We’ve already heard the stories at least a hundred times!”

“Hey!” Joe protested loudly.  “You want me to show you how I fought off about a legion of men?  Do you think it was easy?  Let me find some manacles and I’ll show you!”

Hoss and Adam laughed, and Pa just leaned back in his chair and smiled over at his youngest.  “Go ahead and tell us again, Joseph – we’d love to hear it for the one hundred and first time.”

Joe folded his arms across his chest and frowned.  “No, I’m not going to tell it again until I can jump around this room and show you all exactly how I did it.  I’ll need at least two of you to make it a fair fight though.”

“Three weeks ago we had to disarm you and now we’ve got to keep you from getting your hands on a chain,” Hoss quipped.

“Drink your coffee boys, I’d like a little peace for a change,” Ben announced.

Adam lifted his coffee cup and said, “I second that motion.  Peace sounds good, Pa.  It’s been a long year.”

Joe raised his cup and nodded, “Adam, that’s the understatement of all time.  But I second your motion – peace sounds good to me.”

The four Cartwrights sat in the living room and quietly drank their coffee.

**************

Joe was finally allowed to leave the house, but Doctor Martin still advised him to take it easy for another week or two.  The swelling had gone down on his broken nose, and he was able to see out of his right eye after almost a month.  His ribs were finally just about all healed, so Joe was able to move around a bit better without his chest binding on.  Happily, he mounted Cochise and rode out of the front yard.

Pa walked out to the front hitching post after Hoss had saddled his horse for him.

“I was going into town, Hoss – but where did Joseph run off to?  I told him to stick around here,” Ben asked frowning.

“I asked him right before he took off, Pa.  All’s he said was he was gonna go look at a tree.  It didn’t make a lick of sense to me, but he just smiled and rode off leaving me standing here wondering!”

Pa chuckled as he sent off a knowing grin.  Then he turned and mounted Buck.

“Hey, Pa, you going into town now?”

“No, Hoss, I think I’ll go look at a tree,” he answered without any further explanation.  He knew where he’d find his youngest.

*************

Joe stood amid a forest of huge Ponderosa pines.  He stared up at the majestic tree and thought back to the day that his father had brought him to that very spot to see it.  They had gone together to Littleton and Joe had walked through the cabin where he had endured the kind of torture which would have broken any other man.  But with the help of his pa, Joe was able to get his story out and face his fears.  Afterwards, on their way back home, Pa had brought him to the tree that now stood before him with its branches touching the sky.  He had told his son that it was the oldest, largest, tallest, and strongest tree on the ranch.  Then Pa had pulled him close and said that the tree had lasted longer than any other tree on the Ponderosa even after enduring lightning strikes and harsh winds.  Joe remembered Pa saying that the tree had survived not in spite of all the abuse it had endured, but because of it.  Then Pa told Joe that he considered him to be as strong as that tree after all that he had endured.

Joe stood back so he could get a better look at the top of the tree.  He heard the words again, just as he had inside the prison as he fought to stay alive.

***These pieces the ones that left me bleeding intended for my pain became the gift you gave me.  I gathered those pieces into a mountain.  My freedom is in view, I’m stronger than I knew.  This is the sound of surviving, this is my farewell to fear.  This is my whole heart deciding I’m still here.   And I’m not done fighting.  This is the sound of surviving. ***

Joe turned when he heard footsteps heading his way.  He greeted his father wearing a satisfied and self-confident smile on his face.

Ben approached his son and draped his arm across Joe’s shoulder and said, “That’s right you’re still the strongest tree on this ranch, Joseph.”

His son nodded and grinned proudly to hear his father’s praise.  Then Joe attempted to pull the collar of his jacket up, annoyed that it hadn’t stayed the way he liked it ever since it had been stuffed inside that cabinet in the prison.

Pa patted Joe’s shoulder and reached over and lifted the collar of his son’s jacket and straightened it out.

“Oh, Joseph, I’ve always known why you keep that collar to your jacket raised up like you do,” he announced grinning at the boy.  “Now isn’t it about time that we head into town?”

Joe gave his father a questioning look wondering what he was talking about.  “What?”

“Yes, Son, you can keep that collar up if you’d like — but that’s not going to stop me from taking you to get a haircut!”

Joe laughed at Pa’s revelation.  He put his arm around his shoulder and shook his head.  “I should’ve known I can never pull one over on you, Pa!  Or — maybe you found out why I wear my collar up when you were reading my journal?”

Ben replied indignantly, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure, Pa,” Joe grinned.

Pa ruffled his son’s hair and threw his arm around Joe’s shoulder steering him towards the horses.  “By the way I put the pencil back in your journal.  Now let’s go see about that haircut.”

As both father and son headed toward the horses, Joe stopped for a minute and looked back at the oldest, tallest, and strongest Ponderosa pine on the ranch.  He smiled up at it and listened once again to the words playing in his head.

*** This is my farewell to fear.  This is my whole heart deciding I’m still here –I’m still here.  And I’m not done fighting.  This is the sound of surviving. ***

The End

Written by Wrangler

July – November 2025

(Dedicated to Rob the wonderful story consultant who made me change the picture to this story three times.  And to Carm whose artistry kept me going throughout the writing process.)